Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Anonymous on May 28, 2005, 08:55:25 PM
-
When times get too difficult, with too much challenge at one time, giving up seems like a viable option. What happens when we feel forced to give up those who mean the most to us? Can we pretend things will be fine some day? Or, is this something we tell ourselves to go on one more day?
Be strong and all will work out....be wrong and all will fallout.
-
Hi, guest. I'm sorry you feel pain. When you ask about giving up, I guess it depends on what you mean by "give up".
Sometimes when things get overwhelming, I "give up" in a sense: I just let go of caring about it all. It's a relief sometimes. It's like taking a vacation from my problems. Can't deal. Won't deal. Don't care.
If you mean give up like stop living, well, that is different. I wouldn't do that. Why? The good stuff might be just around the next corner...probably is! It's just not in my control, or in my sights right now. It takes a bit of faith in yourself, in the universe, but accepting that I can't control it, is so freeing!!
Some people say: "let go and let God". I hardly ever say that, but I guess that's the same kind of thing. The best concept I ever discovered was: "let go: attachment equals suffering". I get that. I am attached to my children. Very. Micromanaging their lives and trying to control everything about them will no doubt lead to my suffering (and them). CARING about them and feeling a loving attachment is a little different than attaching myself to my son getting a 4.0 GPA, or my teenage daughter smothering me with loving kisses while I nag her to clean her room. I can even give up attaching myself to them always being with me. I am attached to them being happy, and I will do what I can to teach them how to do that for themselves, but if they decide to do life a different way, I can't suffer because of who they choose to be. Or I can, but it is my choice.
So, please, consider "giving up" if it means freeing yourself from the attachment to things being different, people being different (hey, lots of us here can relate to that one). Attaching yourself to something other than what IS hurts tremendously. But it's a pain we choose.
Detaching from something we want that we don't have will free us up to be happy......and let the universe show us what wonderful things there are... instead of focusing on all the crap in our lives we just let it all go (where? I don't know...off of us, I guess). If you can't totally let it go, at least let it go temporarily. What a relief it will be.
NOW, if you meant give up in the living life sense: seriously, don't do this. You have remarkable things awaiting you. PAIN is what drives us directly into JOY!!! It's right there!!! Hang in there. If you want to give up the WAY you have been living....by all means. It's caused you to stay stuck in pain, right? So, yeah, give that "living" up....and try another way of life! IT IS SO VERY POSSIBLE!!
Please know I am not invalidating your pain. I feel it, I can even see it, but there is light here... I have been in the darkness, too. There are all KINDS of ways out. All kinds. Have some faith. Relax. If we could figure it all out right now.....well, then what would this whole life be about? The joy IS in finding it out. You will. Relax. You don't have to have all the answers. They will come to you. Just wait. It will be ok.
-
and decide to change your life.
But really we have to give up on our old life in order to make a new one.
What has been happening to you to make you feel like this?
-
What happens when we feel forced to give up those who mean the most to us?
Do you mean a person you love dearly who is clearly not good for you? What I have come to realize is that the pain of losing someone who is toxic, isn't anywhere near as painful or as costly as staying with that person. It certainly doesn't feel like it (as I'm kicking and screaming to stay in an abusive relationship....oh, please, just one more day! :shock: ) But now, given the perspective of time and distance, it is all that much more clearer to me.
What we experience in the losing may feel like hell, but what happens is that we gain a freedom to finally heal and perhaps, if we allow, open up to experiencing life as we were meant to. If we are patient, we will begin to feel the freedom more than the pain.
Can we pretend things will be fine some day? Or, is this something we tell ourselves to go on one more day?
Yes...we can pretend things will be fine some day, if that's all we can muster! There's nothing wrong with that, as if pretending somehow makes it not valid or something.
Whatever it takes to move us from feeling paralized to feeling more empowered is fair game. In living, where so much can be stacked against you, I don't think there's anything wrong with "fixing the odds" in our favor to heal!
I don't think this makes our strength unreal...I think it takes us to it, which I guess is more an uncovering of the power we have always had within.
Just because something doesn't feel real to you at the time, doesn't mean it isn't. It could be that it is real, it's just that the pain, the trauma you experience from emotional pain and betrayal is covering it.
It is also a movement of consciousness. Lots of times, we start out with an intellectual understanding and then make it our own when it becomes an emotional reality. One happens quickly, the other takes time...it's the movement of seeds sending roots down into the earth.
I have really come to appreciate this process. Not realizing this had for a number of years made me very judgmental toward myself. I was filled with regrets, because as I looked over my life I'd look at some of my choices and behavior and think, "I should have known better!", and I did!...I read the books, I understood the concepts, but it wasn't real for me emotionally, and I couldn't live up to a standard that wasn't a part of me. I could aspire to be there, but I had to live my life where I was.
I guess intellectual understanding is being able to see the distance, and emotional ownership is actually flying there. So use your understanding or pretending as a grappling hook to compassionately take you where you want to go...and give yourself the time to get there.
Be strong and all will work out....be wrong and all will fallout.
"Be strong"..it will work out if working out means moving you from restriction to freedom. What that freedom looks like might not be what you think it should right now from where you are. Like mum says, if you let go those attachments, it can be a liberating thing.
"Be wrong", and it will also work out! I wish I could say I was one of those naturally enlightened people or those smart ones who can see the signs ahead and make the right turns. Me? Whatever I've learned, I've done so through making mistakes...lots of them. Yes, I read, yes I listen to others, but I have to say I have learned more from my mistakes than anything else.
Some of us are just hardheaded that way!
But I'm not so afraid of being wrong anymore. To me it's not a matter of making a right or wrong choice as much as taking care to be as clear and clean as I can about any decision I make, regardless whether it turns out to be the "right" one or the "wrong one."
I'm not afraid of pain anymore...it's just pain. I am afraid of self-deception. But if I meet that with compassion, as well, it's amazing how quickly even that can be transformed!
Well, thanks for asking your questions that got me to do some thinking. Wishing you some comfort and a whole lot of peace.
-
It's the fear of the unknown that often locks us within an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter how logical it would be to walkaway, many of us can't! And here I believe is the really intriguing point to it all: we always see ourselves as being the victim party in the relationship!
We seldom, if ever, take in to consideration the fact that we are probably fueling, if not driving, our own unhappiness and that of our partner! But we won't free ourselves and them because we're too damn selfish and concerned with our interests only!
I tire of people who whinge at their partners for this or that without grasping for one moment, thier own part in the performance! The hardest thing to do is actually the easiest......it just takes a few years for one to realise it after the fact!
-
So, please, consider "giving up" if it means freeing yourself from the attachment to things being different, people being different (hey, lots of us here can relate to that one). Attaching yourself to something other than what IS hurts tremendously. But it's a pain we choose.
Detaching from something we want that we don't have will free us up to be happy......and let the universe show us what wonderful things there are... instead of focusing on all the crap in our lives we just let it all go (where? I don't know...off of us, I guess). If you can't totally let it go, at least let it go temporarily. What a relief it will be.
These thoughts are somewhat comforting mum, but it's just chatter in my brain. I can usually talk to myself like this too and find it helpful and true, but I'm too tired these days. In order to detach, I have to work at it...think about it...then use it to let it go. All this just hurts more and is too much. If I "shut down" and let go, it feels like all will be lost because my time will not be the same as real time. In other words, life marches on without us when we don't stay in the game. So my detachment will become a loss and that's a whole new problem. Although, I must admit a temporary feeling of relief in not worrying about it all--feeling like I don't have to care about my hurt. Thank you for your positive thoughts and care.
What has been happening to you to make you feel like this?
Life, death, loss, moving away, sadness, ownership, desire, truth, and mostly, an inability to serve as needed, IMO. Oh ya, and that would lead me to judging myself harshly.
Thanks for asking...I always like to read what you "write".
DreamSinger, I was deeply touched by your post and couldn't stop crying. Your words and karma mirror a family close to my heart...so I feel you and your thoughts and your songs and your pain. You are lovely to me. As far as this goes:
If we are patient, we will begin to feel the freedom more than the
pain.
I feel some relief in this thought but although I am a patient, I never have been patient. If I slow down and breathe, maybe I can remember the feeling of freedom and not feel sorry for myself. I have always believed change to be an opportunity. Welcoming change, even when difficult, can be exciting....except when it feels right for everyone but you. Should it be right for me only because it's better for my loved ones? What about my unhappy influence on them? I think this is what scares me most...can I, should I, hide my feelings to protect them? I know I can't do this and I can't feel responsible for an unhappy setting. In time, I may come around--but I'm afraid of the hurt/changes in getting there.
Whatever it takes to move us from feeling paralized to feeling more empowered is fair game. In living, where so much can be stacked against you, I don't think there's anything wrong with "fixing the odds" in our favor to heal!
I like your thoughts on this. I need to remember perception is reality.
I would like to quote more of what you said, but it would be the rest of your post. I think I'll print it out and hang it on my fridge to remind me of my focus. Only time will tell if it helps. I will highlight one more point--I'm not afraid of pain anymore...it's just pain. I am afraid of self-deception. But if I meet that with compassion, as well, it's amazing how quickly even that can be transformed!
It's just pain...I like that. I'm terrified of self-deception and...compassion would be helpful here. I believe it probably will transform feelings.
I am grateful you responded. I sense we share similar pain and it seems, with your hard work, you are futher along in your healing. Best to you and yours.
Guest, I tire of people who whinge at their partners for this or that without grasping for one moment, thier own part in the performance!
Did I say something for you to direct this at me or are you frustrated and angry and it is not directed at me? My concerns are not about my partner...although his life-changes are driving mine and our 2 boys.
take in to consideration the fact that we are probably fueling, if not driving, our own unhappiness and that of our partner!
This is the "end result" reason that I am so unhappy. I endure great pain settling on our differences for the benefit of the whole. It takes time to let go of desire and trust need. I am not a victim...just a person caught up in a tornado of unpleasant events. I want to go to sleep and wake up when it's over. I know, it's never over. If I wasn't feeling the fear of love forgotten, maybe I could hold on and move on and come back, too.
I am responsible, I am sad, and I am only capable of being who I am and adjusting what I can. I need to work on accepting what IS...even if I can't change it or don't like it. Who am I to second guess life?
-
I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones, having survived and overcome an absolutely emotionally sterile and nihilistic childhood.
I couldn't do it on my own and am indebted to my therapist who guided me over nine years. It was very, very hard work but I am well, happy, married and got a degree in psychology when I was 38!!
I love this forum because it's calm, helpful, supportive and healing.
-
Guest,
It's the fear of the unknown that often locks us within an abusive relationship.
Fear of the unknown locks us into many situations in life--unsatisfying jobs, moving, living our dreams.
It doesn't matter how logical it would be to walkaway, many of us can't!
I don't believe this is true for anyone. You can walk away. It may take a lot of courage, it may take giving up a certain lifestyle, it may mean giving up many things that are dear to you, but everyone CAN walk away from an abusive situation and survive IMO.
We seldom, if ever, take in to consideration the fact that we are probably fueling, if not driving, our own unhappiness and that of our partner!
We all have a role to play. IMO an abusive relationship cannot exist without an abuser and an enabler. Fueling and driving--I guess it depends on what you mean by that. If the abuser is personality disordered, I don't think this is true. That the partner is co-dependent and allows the relationship to continue will set up their own unhappiness. The abuser's unhappiness (if we are talking about n personalities here) was developed long before we met them and we just become the subject of their abuse for damage deep inside of them that they are unwilling to confront and repair.
Dreamsinger,
I loved your whole post. So beautifully written.
Original guest,
I don't really have anything to add to what was said by the others. Therapy has been a truly healing experience for me (something I should have done many years ago). But better late than never, as they say and sometimes it takes a life-changing event to knock some sense into us.
I wish you well.
Brigid
-
When times get too difficult, with too much challenge at one time, giving up seems like a viable option. What happens when we feel forced to give up those who mean the most to us? Can we pretend things will be fine some day? Or, is this something we tell ourselves to go on one more day?
Be strong and all will work out....be wrong and all will fallout.
I would give up on impossible situations. But I don't know whether your situation is impossible. What's going on?
bunny
-
I would give up on impossible situations. But I don't know whether your situation is impossible.
Bunny,
Good advice. My situation is not impossible, but implausible. Crunched for time...more later. Thanks for asking.
-
Life, death, loss, moving away, sadness, ownership, desire, truth, and mostly, an inability to serve as needed, IMO. Oh ya, and that would lead me to judging myself harshly.
that's an awful lot of stuff to be coming to terms with. And yes, it does sound like you're being hard on yourself- especially the inability to serve.
None of us no matter what our religious or personal beliefs can serve all of the time, we all need stretches of time which are just for working on or taking care of ourselves.
It sounds like you're overwhelmed with many emotions, I don't know if you have a therapist or have considered therapy, but that helped me when I just couldn't work out what was going wrong with my life.
Another useful thing is journalling, it helps to see a pattern over time.
You also sound so flat. Do you think you might have depression? The medications for depression now are really good. Maybe you need to see a doctor.
Keep posting, you'll get loads of support here, we've all been through big traumas and life changes and know how it feels to want to make decisions and be overwhelmed with what to do.
Be gentle with yourself. Take care.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
-
GIVING UP ON FAITH THAT IS FOR CULTIVATING GOOD
IN TERMS OF SEEKING SELF GLORY
AND DOES NOT GIVE ALL GLORY TO
THE ONE ETERNAL CREATOR
WHERE ALL INDIVIDUAL SOULS
MAY COME TO BE ON ONE MIND
AND CO-EQUAL CREATORES
BUT REMAINING FAITH AND TRUE TO IDEALS AND GOALS
CORRECTLY DEVELOPED...
FAITH IS THE SUBSTANCE OF THINGS HOPED FOR
AND THE EVIDENCE OF THINGS YET UNSEEN...
WITH PROPER FAITH I THINK WE CAN BE ATTACHED
TO WHAT WILL COME TO US IN GOD'S TIME
BY WAY OF THE PROPER ATTITUDE THAT
BOTH ALLOWS FOR HAVING OUR GOALS
AND IDEALS BASED IN THE CREATOR'S WILL
WHICH INCORPORATES CONSIDERING THE NEEDS
OF OTHERS BEFORE OUR OWN
AND DISCERNING IF SOME'S SINS AGAINST YOU
MIGHT NOT BE FORGIVEN TILL THE REPENT AND
THAT YOU REBUKE THEM TOO...
ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE GOD AND ARE
CALLED ACCORDING TO GOD'S PURPOSE