Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Dazza on June 11, 2005, 08:26:48 AM
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It would be an understatement to say that dealing with my N parents and two N sisters takes a toll on my mind, body and soul.
In order to protect my well being, I stay the hell away from my family - no contact with them at all. I've learned that anything else makes me feel worse.
How do you protect yourself from the N in your life?
Dazza
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Hi Dazza:
Same as you, distance works for me.
And I'm protecting me by not allowing them to harm me any further that way.
I'm also working on releasing my feelings generated by the stuff they've already done. There's a lot of stuff so there's a lot of feelings.
I think of this also as protection because it's protecting those feelings from taking root, simmering, growing into something worse, and becoming a part of me which in the end, will only end up causing me more trouble.
I'm doing this a little at a time and it's taking a long time (and being impatient I keep wanting to just hurry up and finish up and get it over with). :oops: Logic tells me there is no quick way to do this. I must be patient. It will take time.
And I'm keeping a positive attitude through it all because I am determined to succeed, and heal, and be whole and generally happy again. I refuse to let my abusers keep what they have taken......my serenity. I want it back and I will get it!!
GFN
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Dazza, GFN,
GFN said:
Same as you, distance works for me.
Dazza, my Mother is an N and my H too.
Distance helps knowing Im thousands of miles from them both lets me sleep better at night.
The e-mails come in, letters and phone calls are something you have control over but they can still give you grief.
GFN has the right Idea, she is so wise and I respect her thoughts and wonderful support so much.
1. Strong understanding of boundries.
What are some of the boundries you have set ?
Sometimes you think boundries you put up should work but they don't. Ns manipulate you to give them your emotional supply another way.
You may have tried to reason with the unreasonable.
These N's may just be such an emotional mess they have no clue how to communicate with you so that can be a challenge.
They think it's everyone else with the problem so you have to take care of you and your needs.
I heard this story about the Sheep Hearder and the staff he uses with the large hook. One of the reasons for the hook shape, was to be used to keep the sheep from going astray from the flock.
When a stubborn sheep would stray, want to do it's own thing, causing harm to itself, getting stuck in a bush or maybe falling in a hole or what ever.
The Heardsman would take the large hook and BREAK the leg of the stubborn sheep. The leg would be wrapped up to heal. The sheep never strayed again.
How strong should your boundries be?
I think I have become a Sheep Hearder now. Keep in mind if you love something and you see the Dumb Sheep, straying from you, some of the hurt and pain needs to happen.
Im sure the Sheep Heardsman had a tear in his eye when he had to break the leg, but he knew he could not let the DUMB screw things up.
Don't worry about the N's and if you hurt them to protect yourself.
Step up explain how you see the pain, the hurt feelings and validate yourself.
Be strong with what you need, break a few legs so the N's understand they can't mess with your life. Point out when you see the manipulation.
Keep the Cane handy at all times. ............OR
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Hey OR,
Great analogy about the shepherd having to break the sheep's leg to protect it. I like the idea of breakin' a few legs. :twisted: Just kidding.
I would expand the analogy a little though.
An N is more like a rabid sheep with big yellow fangs and claws instead of hooves. And its not so much that they keep wandering away(if only they would :roll: ). Its that they stalk us and keep jumping up on us trying to sink their fangs in our neck.
So we usually end up breaking their hind legs with our cane, because their front legs are usually wrapped around our throats.
Keep the Cane handy at all times. ............OR
Words to live by, my dear.
mudpup
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Hey Mudpuppy, Who better to take an anology and add some wonderful insites making me laugh so hard I have tears in my eyes.
I love it Mudpuppy. So true we are dealing with unatural rabid sheep in the flock. I think the cane should have some mirrors so we can reflect their uglyness and to watch from behind when they stalk us.
Keeping the full armor of God around us at all times and sharpening the Cane to use as a sword may be needed.
Thanks Mud got to go. OR
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u might do a search using word unconditional for many
interesting things that have been said about it in the forum
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GFN,
I refuse to let my abusers keep what they have taken......my serenity. I want it back and I will get it!!
This is so true, true, true. I dream of serenity and a sense of normality and wonder if I will ever get it back.
Dazza,
My parents are both dead now, but I did have to distance myself from my n father while he was still alive. I didn't know anything about the n personality at that time, but I just knew he was toxic to me and my children.
I am now divorced from my n husband, but because we have 2 children, we will have to stay connected at some level. I keep the communication to an absolute minimum and only deal with the business at hand. However, I did send him an e-mail on his 50th birthday the other day wishing him a happy birthday. I considered it major progress in my healing and the beginnings of forgiveness. Unlike my n father, my ex nh has never been mean or nasty--just lying and manipulative. Now that I know that, I can deal with it.
If you can distance yourself and not have communication, that is the best thing IMO. The more they are around you, the more life they suck out of you. Who needs that stress and pain if you can avoid it?
Blessings,
Brigid
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I protect myself by doing many things to stay centered like exercise, meditation, therapy, yoga, etc and also have learned to create good boundaries. It doesnt always work, but over time I seem to know more when their car is on my foot..a saying.
A recent discussion was over how my siblings are all so busy they can not contribute to helping the foks orother family pursuits. I took a good look at my schedule and theirs and rwalized nobody is as busy as myslef. So when they say they cant do something or want me to do somthing I say I cant or weigh the pluses and minuses first, buy some time and get back with them. I used to buy into their excuses.
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I had a wonderful thought come to mind a while back. I came to the conclusion that I did not have the power to pick my family but I sure in the hell have the power to choose how much of their bullchit I was going to take.
I am basically doing the same thing that you are. The further I stay away from the dysfunction junction, the better off I am. Its not easy at times, especially when some people ask about a family member. If that person happens to be one of the fortunate who come from a functional family, it is very hard to explain my situation.
There was a girl that went through nursing school with me. She used to tell me stories about her dad and I used to think, hmmm.....there is part of that story missing. Some of the stories that she told me were so so so horrible. I used to think she was giving half truths. That is until I tangled with a N. I had dated him for about 2 yrs when he suddenly called it off. I began to search for some answers to his behavior. I stumbled upon NPD and it just left me speachless. It was as if someone had pulled his name out while writing about the horrific episodes I had experienced with him. I read the same article for hours on end and all of my questions about him and his behavior were answered. When I regained my composure, I called my friend from nursing school and I invited her over. I sat down with her and I told her that I thought I had figured out what the problem was with her dad. I gave her the information that I had gathered and she cried for hours as she told me more stories.
The sad thing about this girl is that she never had the chance to come to terms with her N father. He had phoned one night and left a horrible message on her machine. He ended up dieing of a heart attack right after he left that message. He wasn't found for days. The message he left sent chills up my spine. He got so worked up while he was calling her every name in the book, he worked himself into a heart attack.
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it's education.
Before understanding npd it's so easy to take responsibility and do the 'eggshell' relationship dance ad nauseum.
But once you understand-
it's not you;
and
the npd is a permanently suffering individual clinging to anything which makes them feel real no matter how unwholesome
it's easier to detach, to stop trying to make everything right, and to accept: these are the most damaged of people who will take you down with them not from malice but because it's the only way they feel they can legitimately exist.
They are totally damaged, flawed people who have learned from an early age to relate in a way which is toxic to others.
Once I learned to recognise and pity them it was a major stage on my journey; I still keep attracting narcissists, and I'm somehow hard-wired to deal with them, but each time the relationship is shorter and my realisation greater.
I hope to reach a place where I think almost automatically- oh, recognition npd, don't let's go there.
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I agree with Write that it is about education. Once I learned about NPD, I saw my family, friends and colleagues in totally different light. (Sorta like what happened to Neo after he took the red pill in "The Matrix." ;-)
You know, "Dateline" should do a report on N. I can hear Stone Phillips' intro in my mind right now...
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There was a girl that went through nursing school with me. She used to tell me stories about her dad and I used to think, hmmm.....there is part of that story missing. Some of the stories that she told me were so so so horrible. I used to think she was giving half truths. That is until I tangled with a N. I had dated him for about 2 yrs when he suddenly called it off. I began to search for some answers to his behavior. I stumbled upon NPD and it just left me speachless. It was as if someone had pulled his name out while writing about the horrific episodes I had experienced with him. I read the same article for hours on end and all of my questions about him and his behavior were answered. When I regained my composure, I called my friend from nursing school and I invited her over. I sat down with her and I told her that I thought I had figured out what the problem was with her dad. I gave her the information that I had gathered and she cried for hours as she told me more stories.
The sad thing about this girl is that she never had the chance to come to terms with her N father. He had phoned one night and left a horrible message on her machine. He ended up dieing of a heart attack right after he left that message. He wasn't found for days. The message he left sent chills up my spine. He got so worked up while he was calling her every name in the book, he worked himself into a heart attack.
Wow, Jaded. I admire you for going back to her and helping her, especially when you had thought she was the one with the problem. That takes a lot of moral courage.
About her father... can you (& can she) maybe see what happened as -- her being spared something far worse? Is it possible that this man had so much hatred boiling out that he would, some day, have tried to kill her, or someone she loved, or an innocent pet belonging to one of them, if he had lived? And that this was prevented by the rage turning against his own body instead? Rage and hatred are both addictive and toxic, and it sounds as though this man just overdosed on the spot.
Seeing it that way might help her a lot. It won't take away her need to grieve but it might help her feel a bit less - responsible? Unable to come to terms with it? If she thinks of it as something like a drug overdose. On the very worst kind of drug.
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Brigid,
Just want to congratulate you, (as you have to maintain some contact with your ex,) on reaching a stage where you could send him a birthday e-mail.
I agree, you must have done a lot of work and healing to be able to do that, and I am full of admiration for you. Deep within you, you must be developing a place of safety for yourself.
Much love, and wishing you increasing strength,
Lara.
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Lara,
Thank you for that vote of confidence. I don't know if it is a place of safety or just resolution. I still hurt--no doubt about that, but the anger was making me so tired. It was a small gesture, but perhaps the beginning of some level of forgiveness and compassion.
Now I'm in search of the serenity that I mistakenly thought I had, but really didn't. I prayed about it in church this morning and I think about it constantly. I wonder what it is that would bring me to a place of peace. I really don't know and I guess I won't until I find it, if I ever do. I know that putting my faith in God will play a role, and I know for many that that is the answer. I'm not so sure about me, however. I have moments of calm, but not hours of calm. I want the hours, days, months and years. Maybe it is not possible unless you pretend or live in a dream world as I apparently did for many years. I have to say, it is consuming me right now.
Lara, thank you for your kind words and I hope things are going well for you.
Blessings,
Brigid
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Hi all:
Hey OR! Glad to see you posting and hoping things are going well for you! Thanks for the kind words....making me blush :oops: :oops: .
Brigid wrote:
....but the anger was making me so tired.
And that got me thinking a little ( :shock: ).
Ya! Anger does make me feel drained and tired and takes away my energy!
Laughing.......on the other hand, makes me feel good and happy and seems to give me energy!
Crying seems to drain some of the anger and I feel tired after, but I seem to get more energy after that release, if only a little.
Worrying, well that takes so much energy I feel depleted, for sure.
Giving.....feels good and seems to actually get more energy for me than is expended.
Loss takes all my energy for awhile.
Simple days give me more energy.
Hard days take some of it away.
I'm just thinking about the energy consumed/generated by different feelings/actions/events.
I think another way I strive to protect myself from the harm people have caused me is to seek the positives/energy enhancing stuff ..... good stuff....feelings, actions, events and by that....increasing my energy...which makes me feel more able to withstand their crap.
GFN
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Brigid: I am glad for you in being "the better person" (IMO) in extending yourself, at least in a birthday card, to your ex.
I attempted this at one point.
When my second marriage was not doing so well, in no small part to my wanting to be a better person (he did not, he wanted to drink and run away from his issues) I decided I would be the one to put out the olive branch, as it were, to my first husband and his wife. I did this mainly because I was sick of watching how uncomfortable my children were when it came to my relationship with their dad and I was sick of having so much tension in my life.
So it started with a chair that was in my house in sight from the front door. My first ex noticed it once when dropping off the children. It was an unusual wooden chair, that his uncle had given him. I said, "you should have this chair, I don't know why you didn't take it 6-7 years ago, but you should take it now".
He got all embarrassed and said "no, I'm not taking furniture out of your house". So the next day, I took it over to his house. He and his wife were flabbergasted. I simply said, "this is your's, you should have it".
I thought I had started a good thing. A healing as it were. Tensions eased after that, or so I thought UNTIL: I had the audacity to want to get on with my life and move away from here. Although he was in another country at the time and for much of each year, all hell broke loose and many court hours and an unGodly amount of attorney's fees later, I am still here.
So you see....if I had stuck with a chair, a birthday card, something benign, that didn't go against his permission, his control, his wants, everything would still be hunky dory. This kindness on my part, by the way, was brought up by his attorney in court, to say what a bitch I was, and how could I possibly "DO THIS" (what, want my own life?) to a man I was "friends" with (who did and does whatever he wants, and now can, with the courts permission...but I digress).
I'm not trying to be a wet blanket. I don't regret the chair.....I just realize that with an N, kindness doesn't matter, and if it can be, it will be used against you, if they so deem.
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I just realize that with an N, kindness doesn't matter, and if it can be, it will be used against you, if they so deem.
(((((((((((((((((Mum)))))))))))))))))))
But kindness can kill them sometimes too. And maybe kindness is what you want to teach your children? So they won't be like the N?
And kindness is your gift that you are soooo lucky to be able to share.
Unlike the poor, pathetic N that hasn't got a clue about how to be kind or for what purpose.
And kindness suits you so much better than anything else, Mum.
Because it comes naturally too you and because you wear it well.
I'm sorry he's such a ........(insert nasty name here)!!
You aren't!!
That's the wonderful thing! You are kind and think to be kind and feel like being kind and try to be kind and start out being kind and take a risk by being kind....
But he.........the poor loser........has an empty soul. His gifts are pain and cruelty and jealousy and all kinds of nasty stuff.
He'll get his rewards for sharing them too. And you'll get yours Mum.
GFN
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Thanks, GFN. It just doesn't matter, as my fiance tells me. Be kind because you are kind, but don't expect it will have a positive influence on him.... and I agree. But it does have a positive influence on my children. They are kind people.
I really believe that the best thing for them, would be to get away from him, but I could never, ever say this in court....or to them.....just to you guys, ok?
That said, my kids may just learn the stuff I am learning in middle age about having a voice, standing up for themselves.....if he doesn't damage them too much in the process.....