Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Butterfly on June 17, 2005, 05:35:47 PM
-
Thank you all for having me in your prayers and thoughts! I want to especially thank...
(((((October)))))) ((((((Brigid))))) (((((GFN)))))) (((((2cents))))))
(((((Lara))))) and (((((Mum)))))
....for your kind words to me!!!!!!!!!!!!
GFN wrote:
Are your sibblings and you close?
We have never really been emotionally close, but now we are getting closer. Now, all we can think about is how we can make the fleeting time our mother has on this earth to be as pleasant as possible. Not always an easy thing to do.
Lara wrote:
Both my parents had similar illnesses to your mother's,
Lara, I'm so sorry about your parents passing. :( If you don't mind me asking, did they both have pancreatic cancer?
and there's no doubt that the time ahead will be tough for all of you, but also perhaps it will be an opportunity for showing love in a practical way, to the members of the family who you are close to.
What you said here will help me keep things in perspective to a certain degree. Also, it reminds me that we need to be there for each other as much as we will be there for our mother. Thanks.
I hope it will help you a little, to know that people here will be thinking of you everyday, and will be happy to 'listen' if you want to share how you are feeling.
Actually, it is helping A LOT!
P.S. I didn't want to take the main focus off the "Anything" thread, so I've decided to post here instead.
I'm thinking of you too.
Butterfly
-
Hi Butterfly,
Thanks for the hug, and please accept this one from me (((((Butterfly)))))
In reply to your kind question, my parents did not die of pancreatic cancer, but of two other kinds of cancer. Both events were pretty tough, with so many emotions going on, so much happening in a short space of time. It's good that you wrote that you and your siblings are getting closer emotionally now;that for me was one of the pluses, sharing the last few months of my parents' lives , especially my father's, with my brother and sister. That's not to say that it was all sweetness and light between us! Because of the emotional stresses of the time, there were arguments and silences, but in the end we seemed to find a path where each of us could use our different strengths in different aspects of the process and afterwards. We also found black humour useful in coping with some of the times when things just seemed too much to bear!
Obviously everyone's experience of being with a terminally sick parent will be different, so I don't mean to project my own experiences on to you.
But to clarify also what I wrote yesterday; if you can show love and tenderness in little everyday ways, both to your mother and to your siblings, (provided of course that they are treating YOU as they should,) then I think it will help you during the bereavement period as well as during your mother's illness. It's normal to feel guilt after a bereavement, and if you can look back and remember all the loving things you did, it might make that period a little bit easier for you.
Just a few thoughts anyway. Don't forget Butterfly, we're all rooting for you 'here,' ie on both sides of the Atlantic and probably beyond!
Sincerely,
Lara.
-
Butterfly, I know this will be a tough time for all of you. But in the case of my father's death from cancer, and currently, while my mother is much more slowly dying, there have been such moments of beauty and love in my family, and with my mother, that I wonder if in fearing death or suffering, we don't miss out on some amazing things.
I pray for your mother, as I do for my own, that those beautiful moments comfort her, and you.....and that her return to pure love is peaceful and serene.
((((((Butterfly,mom, family))))))
-
Hi Butterfly:
Not to worry about taking the focus off the "anything" thread!
The beauty is.......there is no focus....the focus can be anything!
Watching anyone die is not nice or easy for anyone with a heart even slightly as big as yours. I'm glad it's bringing you and your sibblings closer together though. Sharing and supporting eachother right now will lighten the load for everyone.
I will also keep you and your family in my prayers. Thankyou for the hug. Can't help but return it (((((((((Butterfly)))))))).
GFN
-
I've had mixed emotions since I first knew of my mother's cancer. But, I've gently sweep my repressed feelings under the carpet, b/c how dare I be so selfish as to think about my own unmet needs when my own mother is dying!??
Now, I'm beginning to wonder to myself whether I'm allowing guilt to sugarcoat the repressed feelings and the anger of my upbringing with this onset of my mother's health condition. :roll: Lots to think about.
with a heart even slightly as big as yours.
It's really a wounded hearted, intoxicated with much toxins. The little girl inside of me still yearns,"to be safe, to be healed, and to be whole." And she realizes and is deeply sadden that she will not get her needs met by anyone in her family. So, the only thing to do is to be consciously aware that every person around her, needs the very thing she needs, and to freely offer what little she has. But, really, how can she possibly give what she doesn't have? The butterfly kisses she had always wanted from her daddy, but have never gotten. Or the praises from her mother she needed in order to feel accepted.
Butterfly
-
Today will be the day to break the news to her. I hear of death all the time. But, not until it hits home does it become real and raw. I've never had to face the prospect of death of someone close to me til now.
How did that go, butterfly? Are you alright?
Hi PluckyGuest2 and all,
Thanks for asking, Plucky. As expected, it was very hard news to break to my mother. It was harder still to see the pain in my mother's eyes, as it came with such a devastating blow. Most of us were all there to provide support for her. As painful as it was for her to swallow the grave news, she is recovering exceptionally well from the trauma of it, I feel. She attributes her strength and peace of mind to God. Her faith in God is strong and steady and continues to give her needed strength. In many ways, I admire her for her trust in God and her vibrant spirit. Apart from her lousy parenting skills, I think my mother is an admirable human being.
I'm doing fine. Just going through the necessary headaches of getting a second opinion and all.
Take care everyone.
Butterfly
-
Butterfly,
I'm so sorry.
-
Thanks, (((((((Stormchild)))))).
Nice to hear from ya :)
Butterfly
-
Thinking of you Butterfly and sending you peaceful thoughts and quiet, soothing (((((((((hugs))))))))).
GFN
-
You brought a smile to my sadness, GFN.
Thank you!!!
Butterfly
-
((((((Butterfly))))))):
I'm doing some deep breathing for you.....for your mom, too. Take some time to be still. Sending you love....
-
Hi there, Mum :)
(((((((Thanks))))))))
I sure need some of that.
Butterfly
-
Hi Butterfly,
How are you holding up? Has anything new happened?
Plucky Guest2
-
Hi Plucky,
Thanks for still thinking of me. :) I'm doing okay, I guess. :? I think my mother is doing better than me and some of my siblings. :lol: There have been some minor misunderstanding amongst some of us. Trying to get everybody on the same page when it comes to what we think is best for mom is quite a tricky business, for sure. I just have to remind myself to not let little things get to me and that we have to be understanding and patient with each other. Not always an easy thing to do. It's a matter of deciding on chemotherapy and radiation, or a form of unconventional treatment. So many difficult decisions to make at this time. Ultimately, she makes the final decision. Fortunately, my mother has lots of support and advice from many ppl. I'm glad for that. So far she is doing pretty good. And I'm doing what I can my looking out for her best. It makes it a little bit more challenging for me since my mother is limited in her English. I'm sure it is quite frustrating for her as well.
Until then, thanks for keeping me in your thoughts (((((Plucky))))) and others.
Butterfly
-
Glad to hear you are holding up, Butterfly. Still sending you and your mom light and love. ((((((and hugs)))))))
-
Still thinking of you Butterfly and sending you strength in the form of cyber energy (~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~).
Prayers too...enough to last 'til next week, I hope, as I'm away!
(((((((((Butterfly)))))))))
GFN
-
I just feel very frustrated and faintly guilty right now. Language barrier really limits communication, but what's even more frustrating is the perpetual problem of generational gap. Arrrrrggghhhh!!! Today, I expressed to my mother how I felt about her in terms of my feelings toward her on how she is acting towards me. Instead of taking my words as just an expression of my vented frustration toward her. She went bananas and went emotionally haywired on me. It's the woe is me syndrome she had. All I wanted her to know is that I felt used and devalued when she treats me more like her personal secretary than her daughter. Instead, she accused me of blaming her, criticising her for being a bad mother. And how can you criticize me when you know my health is so bad and what you said to me will send me to my grave earlier than my disease. She is trying to blame me for causing her health to decline because of my words. Yep, my dear old mother is very quick to read off her list of all the things I'm doing "wrong". She is trying to make me feel guilty for having negative feelings toward her and expressing it. How dare I point out what you don't like about what I'm doing! That's my right not yours. This is her distorted way of seeing herself :x Somehow, I'm at fault for not believing she is a mother who can do no wrong. In her eyes all her criticisms of me growing up were for my own good. No matter how much I tried to reason with her that it does harm to a child who constantly hears criticism from his mother. She refuses to try to understand where I'm coming from. Perhaps, she truly can't understand that based on the type of environment she grew up in. But, still she can at least try to understand. And I would have been satisfied with that. She can't and refuses to understand I have feelings that can be hurt too. In the past, I would feel so guilty and ashame for how she would react to me from expressing my feelings. But, I had enough with being taken for granted. Just because she has cancer doesn't give her the right to devalue me. Today I made sure she knew that. How typical of her to criticize me and want to believe anything negative I say about her is meant to hurt her and I should be ashamed of myself for that and ask God to forgive me. It's so damn frustrating for me that my own mother doesn't understand or care to understand that my negative feelings of her are valid and need to be respected not ridiculed. Why can't she understand that my feelings are as important and legitimate as hers. Why does she have to fall to pieces and think woe is me, my own daughter is criticizing me. I'm the mother, I'm always right. The sad thing is she will never see my feelings as legitimate as hers. :( :x :x
I just needed to release my fume. Thanks for hearing me.
Butterfly
-
Hi Butterfly,
I just read your post today. I'm sorry about your M's cancer. I can't imagine having to navigate taking care of an N Mom with cancer. You have amazing strength.
Sounds like some of the anger in your grieving came up today. It's strange that no matter how many times I go through the grief process I still fail to recognize the various stages while I'm experiencing them. Afterwards I realize what was going on - but at the time the grief can really send me into some serious emotional swings.
I hope you remember to take good care of yourself during this time. You really need it - sounds like tremendous stress.
((((Butterfly))))
chutzbagirl
-
Dear Butterfly:
It is very frustrating to keep pounding your head against a brick wall. Does it seem like that's what it's like....trying to communicate your needs to your mother? She just doesn't hear you and that is so frustrating and seems like that to me, and very, very sad. :( :(
(((((((((Butterfly)))))))))
Thinking of you and wishing you peace. Also keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Wish there was more that would be of use that I could offer.
Sela/GFN
-
Hi Butterfly,
Your mom sounds alot like mine. I know the rage, pain, frustration, and feelings of shame that come with having a mom who can't see or hear me. Can you take a break for a few days and take some time to take care of yourself? When my mom starts the blame game, I leave immediately, and when I get home I tell myself over and over again that her words are her illness (NPD) talking, and if she were healthy she wouldn't treat me like that. It helps me detach from the situation. Then when I am away from her, I decide how much contact I will have with her. What I will do while around her, and how long I will stay. This helps me to keep from feeling used by her. When she starts her stuff, refusing to react helps me too. I say "oh really", or "how interesting", then I process my own feelings when I am away from her. I do this because I know that apologies from her will not be coming, and any attempt I make to get her to hear or see me will be futile. And I remind myself over and over that it is okay to feel the way I feel about my mother, and even though she can't hear or see me, it's still okay for me to feel what I feel.
You have so much to deal with right now in dealing with her N characteristics and her cancer. Take good care of yourself. ((((((Butterfly))))))
Lynne
-
Thanks for the hugs, Chutzagirl, Sela, and Lynne!!!!!
They were badly needed and felt great. You guys are amazing. You all are part of my comforting angels. Thanks so much!
The talk I had with my mother was much needed. Today, she is so much nicer to me. How amazing is that?! I felt good that I stood my ground with my mother. It paid off. After the melodrama she pulled off on me yesterday, she is now more cheerful and pleasant toward me. It's a nice change for sure, kinda unexpected and strange. My words seem to have penetrated. If not, then she is a good pretender. She realizes she needs me, so maybe that is why she is now trying to get on my good side. It's hard to tell whether she is being genuine or pretentious. I don't know for sure. :roll: But whatever it is, that's not my problem. Last night, I felt slightly guilty for causing her grief. Like somehow I was being overly mean to her and shouldn't be so forthright with her. Yeah, I felt kinda bad for it. But, today, the guilt feeling is completely lifted off my shoulder and I'm proud of myself for sticking up for myself. For the first time in a long time, I clearly see that it wasn't anything I said or did toward her that was wrong. She brought it upon herself for not accepting my words. So I wash my hands of her maladaptive behavior. That's her problem not mine. I wasn't about to let her get away with not letting her know how I felt before she passes on. I wouldn't have peace with myself if I let it slide. My stress comes from feeling unappreciated and not value. Once I get those needs met, I'm happy as a clam and willing to go the extra mile for anybody. So hopefully, my mother recognized the added stress she was causing me.
By the way, Sela, luv the name. :D
Butterfly
-
Instead, she accused me of blaming her, criticising her for being a bad mother.
Your mother's reaction could so much be my own mother with the denial and the anger, Butterfly. It was uncanny.
Something that struck me when reading it is that she cannot accept that her parenting was not the best for you, because she would not only lose her own 'sainted mother' status, but she would also lose her own fantasy 'sainted mother.' (This may not be true of you, though. Your grandmother might have been a lovely woman. This is from thinking of my own family.)
I think that would be beyond my mother to achieve. I imagine her standing before St Peter and being asked either to accept the truth or turn her back on entering the pearly gates. My mother I believe would turn her back and remain outside through eternity, rather than let go of her illusions.
Which is how (imo) Ns create their own eternity. As do we all.
-
October wrote:
she would not only lose her own 'sainted mother' status, but she would also lose her own fantasy 'sainted mother
My goal was to dethrown her off her own pedestal which she had fantasized. Someone had to show her the truth...might as well be me.
Butterfly
-
My goal was to dethrown her off her own pedestal which she had fantasized. Someone had to show her the truth...might as well be me.
Butterfly
I agree that you had to tell her the truth. But the reason I would consider that to be important would not be to do with her hearing the truth, however satisfying that is.
The main reason for me and you telling these people the truth is that it is the right thing for us; we become truth tellers, rather than liers and deniers. That is for our benefit.
At some point each one of these Ns and Cos had to make a choice; to go with the fantasy world, or to face up to the truth and take the reality road. They each made their choices, and like a motorway, sometimes another slip road doesn't come along for a long long time. Perhaps not ever.
We have escaped the motorway, and finding those lovely country roads, we never want to go back to the crowded urban congestion, the overheating, the millions of people all going in the same direction without ever knowing where they are going.
But you did well, imo, to try to show your mother what reality is.
-
Hey October,
You've made a good point. You're right. I did it for myself. What's encouraging is that I am seeing the positive results of my effort. In the long run, it is not my mother whom I have to live with for the rest of my life, it is me. To not be true to myself would be like disowning part of me. I wouldn't be able to have peace of mind or be able to live with myself. I would just be doing myself a big disservice by not sticking up for my rights. And the only person who is responsible for it is me. I've done a lot of self-blaming since I was very young and still do because I had believed the messages my mother had given me through her selfish, insensitive, manipulating and hurtful words to me. This believe system is so ingrained in my psyche that it is almost impossible for me to disspelled it from my head. The demons inside my head are still alive and kicking. But one thing I've learned recently is that in order to free myself from this dungeon, I have to retrace every step that led me to this pit in the first place. From there, I can start to backtrack to daylight where I can feel more alive. Somehow, someway I have to learn how to reclaim my lost and denied self in order to feel fully alive again. I've only begun this process. As painful and arduous as this journey is for me, I know of no other way. Believe me, I tried others ways. But I've ended falling back in square one again. It never fails. Truly, I don't think there is a short cut to healing my childhood wounds.
Butterfly