Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Anonymous on June 22, 2005, 01:50:49 PM
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Hi all:
This coming Monday evening is my daughter's graduation night. I will be attending, ofcourse!!
Also....one of my abusers, whom I have not had any direct contact with, for about 4 years, will be there and I'm wasting my time (la..dee..doo.dah) worrying and trying not to.
This person will cease the opportunity to do something ....if at all possible...to push my buttons! This is a given. :twisted:
I'm trying to figger out a plan, I guess, ahead of time to avoid this, if it's possible.
You know, thinking about all the bad things that could happen and trying to decide the best possible thing to do and all that.
I feel very angry and resentful....again.
This should be a time of joy! I'm so proud of my daughter!! I'm so happy for her success and I want to focus on her and make her day a great celebration! That's what it is!!
Under normal circumstances, I would only feel that joy.....instead of this... there is a great underlying dread....and the anger and resentment it generates!! Makes me want to hire someone to let the air out of their tires.......a minute before they go to get in the car! (hahahahaha.....with my luck.......they'd get a ride or call a cab or take the bus and be there early!!!....so I guess that probably wouldn't work...even if I could find a shifty character to do it!) :roll:
I haven't slept well for the last few nights.
My skin is errupting, which is a sure sign of my anxiety.
I don't want my husband to have to defend me, which he will do gallantly and quietly, if this person tries to do anything to my cornflakes.
I want to sit as far away as possible from my abuser but I don't even know if there are certain seating arrangements already in place, for those attending to celebrate each child and I certainly don't want to sit near this person! If I must, I will but again.........dread!!!
And then there's the reception, afterward and the ideas of people wandering around and eye contact and I keep imagining this person stepping up, as I congratulate my daughter and making some dig, that I will ofcourse, ignor and not respond to (but it makes me angry just thinking about it....having to do that....when I'd really like to slug back with a feroscious roar!!) Or.....the person might also try to pretend sweetness and lovlies......while I fume...my eyes protesting....and my stomach rising!
I'm so frustrated about the whole thing I wouldn't go if it weren't for my child deserving me there. I'll be soooo glad when it's over.
I am using my mind to visualize good stuff happening and me being calm, collected and happy too. But fear is trying very hard to rule and the closer the day gets...the more I want it to go away.
Thanks for reading. All your wise words will help. So will any prayers!
GFN
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Hey GFN,
I'm sorry that something so special as your daughter's graduation is causing such angst rather than joyful anticipation. What happened to our strong, positive role model that you always seem to muster? You know that this person is just a little pissant that you can mentally squash like a bug, right??
Can you bring more reinforcements than just the hubby? Keep the wagons circled with no entry allowed? I know you want to be strong and independent, but sometimes we need to let our knights defend us. It makes them feel like they have a purpose in life (other than the sex, of course--going back to the one-night stand thread :oops: ).
I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that the day will be beautiful, your daughter will be beautiful and the abuser will be invisible.
(((((((GFN)))))))))))
Brigid
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I don't want my husband to have to defend me, which he will do gallantly and quietly, if this person tries to do anything to my cornflakes.
Please let him help you. You don't have to do this alone.
hugs,
bunny
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Hi Brigid:
What happened to our strong, positive role model that you always seem to muster?
I get weak and negative with the best of them!! Hopefully, that one will be back before Monday!
You know that this person is just a little pissant that you can mentally squash like a bug, right??
This person is a conniving, slick, slithery, vole with fangs and claws but I will work, over the week end, to imagine a mosquito, no-- a black fly, instead. Good advice that I know darn well helps!! Thanks!
That's a good suggestion about bringing a clan/army with me but unfortunately, there is a 4 person limit, for each child, which I believe my daughter has already exceded by inviting a couple extra people.
Thanks, Brigid, for your support and thanks for the lovely prayer, which is already partly true because my daughter is already.....beautiful.
Thanks to you too, Bunny, for the hugs and for reminding me that I am not the all-powerful-able-to-leap-voles-in-a-single-bound---alone super-N-
deflector that I'd like to be. I'm sure he'll agree with you too.
I'm just so independant, in a lot of ways. But you're right. This may be a time to let him deal and I can just smile and turn my back. 8)
Now there's a thought! Except.....if he does respond, then the person's mate might too and make it a free for all, and it could escalate and ruin the whole event for my daughter? Such a scene would do that! Fear again. Frustration. Anger.
OOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo I want to scream!! Son of a........ :!:
Maybe they won't show up!!! :D
That would be nice. Let's all pray for that!! I know my daughter doesn't care because she told me the person invited themself and "Mom! What could I say? I didn't know there was a limit of people then, or I would have said so!"
Her distress...distresses me. I just told her it's not a problem and all will go well. But I'm not thoroughly convinced of that! I guess I need to anticipate and expect it to.
Ok.....I can do that. It just infuriates me that I have to spend my time doing such a thing when, under normal conditions, I would probably be bubbling around and looking forward to it all. Instead, I have to prepare myself, arm myself, build myself up, and brace myself!
GFN
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Hi GFN,
I feel your pain and your stress. What a bummer.
At the risk of being repetitive, the best defence is a good offence!
Long, long ago, I once taught a self esteem course for kids. The material was great. It had them practice responses to typical challenges and situations. They all had snappy names.
Here is one I still remember for you to practice, for when that weasel starts up.
Broken Record Response (this was some years ago, before cds)
Weasel: Blablabla
GFN: Oh. How about that.
Weasel: Bla bla bla bla bla!
GFN: Oh. How nice.
Weasel: BLA BLA BLA!!!!!!
GFN: Um hmmmm.
etc.
It doesn't matter what weasel is saying or whether your response is appropriate. Just don't let those thoughts into your brain for processing. Let it slide over the top of your head. Visualize this. There is no reason to actually listen to this rodent, is there? Just say something back so it can't be said you are being rude. At some point excuse yourself. If weasel gets upset, look surprised and offer sympathy.
"Oh dear. Are you not feeling well?"
Hope this helps or at least gives you a laugh.
Plucky
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GFN: DARN, I just hate these situations....turns me from a normally competent woman into a jellyfish...ugggg for you!
Here's what my fiance tells me to do in these situations: envision yourself as a master of martial (not marital!!!!! :P ) arts. The idea is never to let a blow strike you head on.....or so that you absorb all the energy. Instead, picture yourself avoiding the blow entirely (step out of the way....he swings at nothing and it goes right by you ) or you take the energy of the hit and redirect it, right back at him. You don't even need to practice how that would work, really. Just by your intention (c'mon, you know this stuff!) you will not be the victim at all. The little gnat will not get to you....not a bit. It's like you are NOT THERE to take the pain from this person....intend not to, intend to send it back to that person.
It starts with intention.....believe it.. and yes, by all means, let your wonderful husband run interference........
You are there for your daughter.....not to face down any fears.....think the good stuff kiddo. I'll bet it will be GFN hero time again!!!
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Been doing gardening and inbetween, cooling off, out of the heat, by reading here today. I have a small tractor and a little wagon with a water tank on it that I use for watering my large gardens. All tractors make a fair bit of noise, even small ones like mine.
I drove out, to the back of my property to begin watering and saw the deer, grazing on the farmer's wheat, in the field, just behind my wire fence. It looked up at me and my loud tractor, watched me drive toward it and then turn and begin watering a garden. It ignored the loud groaning of my machine, watched the water spray for a couple of seconds and returned it's focus to consuming the nearly ripe wheat.
I came in, in awhile, (the deer is still there), and read here and it strikes me that what you wrote, Plucky and what you wrote, Mum, and what that deer said to me, without speaking is very true.
I have to ignor the noise, the blah blah blah of the vole/weasel/black fly, like the deer ignored the noise of my tractor. Even though I may feel timid inside, I don't have to show it. I must look confident like that deer, that the noise doesn't bother me because I am intent on eating the wheat, on taking in the joy and sharing mine, with my daughter.
I might never have thought...not to listen to the droan....so thankyou Plucky. I can be at least as brave as that deer, so thankyou again Mum.
I can look it like the deer did, like it's just water and noise, the blah blah blah, that it is harmless and has nothing to do with me. I can absorb the nourishment I will no doubt get, by getting through my daughter's graduation with grace, and the wheat of her special day and it will help me the next time I have to face this insect.
(Which is another thing I was doing.....worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet.....like weddings and funerals and baptisms....and on and on...wasting my time and energy on silly stuff...on thinking about all that will yet come).
You're right Mum, I don't have to face down any fears, I just have to think of my child and how happy she is and my own good thoughts. Thanks for the reminder. I can let the energy bounce off of me like water off a headless duck ( :D --you really are a bright one...full of light Mum!!).
Hope this helps or at least gives you a laugh.
It did both! Thanks Plucky!
Thankyou ((((((all))))))
GFN
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Nothing is by coincidence, GFN...... you have a deer spirit nearby....how wonderful. (oh, but do you want him to eat all that wheat? At least he's not going for the vegetables....:D )
You will be fine.....we all need reminding from time to time.
Your worrying about the future got me thinking about what Ekhart Tolle says in the Power of Now:
ask this question; "Right NOW, what's the problem?"
More than likely, there isn't one in the NOW. And if you can plan for the future now, great (like you just did) otherwise.....drop it...like a suitcase full of stuff you don't want! (I am really paraphrasing here).
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oh, but do you want him to eat all that wheat? At least he's not going for the vegetables..
It's a big field so the farmer probably won't notice, if he does, he might shoot skeet, to scare the deer away. The farmer doesn't live on the farm (lives on another farm, in the next village), so I doubt he'll see the deer today.
There are no vegetables but there are....my flowers, which I'm glad the deer is leaving for me to water!! :D :D (he/she could skip over the fence anytime he/she likes, does it all the time, when my dogs are inside. I don't mind. So far, he just likes the wild flowers in my meadow and there are lot's, so I don't mind sharing with him/her).
That sounds like good paraphrasing to me Mum. Now, is right! Right now, I need only put on some mosquito dope and go back, keep watering and watching my dear deer!
Thanks again Mum!!
GFN
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GFN,
Reading your post about the deer makes me miss my former home so much. At this time of year when the fawns are being born and tottering around on those skinny little legs, not unlike our babies when they first learn to walk with those chubby little legs. I really miss my beautiful orioles, bluebirds, indigo buntings, grosbeaks and all the rest. Oh well, I certainly enjoy my life here.
I'm glad you are gathering your strength and getting great ideas for surviving the encounter with the weasel, blackfly (insert your own vile creature). I have great faith that you will do fine and be able to tune out his blah, blah, blah. I will have to go through this next year, so I am reading all the suggestions with great interest.
Brigid
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Your worrying about the future got me thinking about what Ekhart Tolle says in the Power of Now:
ask this question; "Right NOW, what's the problem?"
Good one mum, I also heard this and am not sure where to credit it:
To find out whether you have a problem, ask whether there is a solution. If there is no solution, it is not a problem, it is a situation. No amount of worrying will sove it.
This has lifted my load many a time.
Plucky
PS You're welcome.
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Well, the fireflies are dancing on the grass, the bats are swooping, frogs are singing and there's something in the bush next door.....moaning...which I'd swear was a moose, if I didn't live so far south and I've weeded some, watered lot's, cut some grass, written all my Dear John letters, etc. I guess my work is done for today.
Hey Brigid:
Sorry you miss your old home. Maybe some day you'll return to live some where like it! My prayers for that and that you will continue to enjoy your life where you are now, until then.
I have great faith that you will do fine and be able to tune out his blah, blah, blah.
Thankyou for that faith! I'm adding it to my collection! :D
I will have to go through this next year, so I am reading all the suggestions with great interest.
Hear that all? Keep 'em comin'!!
This has lifted my load many a time.
Lifting mine too Plucky. Thanks again!
Sweet dreams all!
GFN
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Hey GFN,
and there's something in the bush next door.....moaning
Maybe John hooked up with someone in the Great White North whose e-mail, voicemail, and package in a plain brown wrapper he couldn't refuse. :lol:
I love all that you mentioned but the bats. I know they eat the mosquitoes, but they really freak me out.
Sweet dreams,
Brigid
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Hey GFN,
Remember, the time when you the scared the hell out of that bozo who tried to rob you or something in the subway. Perhaps, if you replicate that look of death at your daughter's graduation directed towards him, he will run away like a terrified little lamb in the presence of a ferocious lion...even though you may be the one who feels like the scared little lamb. But, he doesn't have to know that, eh? :D :evil: :D
Butterfly
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Hi all:
Hey Brigid! Do you think so? John in the bush? Sounding like a moose?
Hope I didn't hurt his feelings too badly with that Dear John letter (sorry John.....etc). :shock: :shock: :? :roll:
Re: Bats. They don't freak me out at all. I think they're cool. 8) I grew up, standing on a dock, a lot of the time during the summer evenings, holding a fishing rod and watching the bats. They would fly pretty close to me, sometimes too. I just thought they were curious. I can imagine what they were saying:
Bat1: "What's that idiot doing?"
Bat2: "Beats me. She must be getting eaten alive by the mosquitos."
Bat1: "Ya and what's that long thing she's holding for I wonder?"
Bat2: "You got me. Maybe it's for swatting mosquitos or something. Wait! I'll swoop by and find out!"
Bats supposedly have an amazing communication system that we humans have yet to unravel (other than it is thought that they send out some kind of sound waves, that bounce off of stuff supposedly to avoid running into it....since they're blind).
I say, a creature that blind, that can swoop that close to me, without running into me, and knocking me off the dock into the water, all while eating massive amounts of insects, is ok, even cool, in my book. But I'm pretty weird I guess. :roll:
Hiya Butterfly:
I was thinking about something like that last night. Imagine me....who faced attackers........a number of times in my life, and survived....being afraid of.........an insect. :shock:
Stupid. :x Not going to do it. :!: Ya'll are helping me to focus. :D Thankyou!! :!:
Yes..........I could do an evil eye thing, if necessary. I like the idea too. I will first, though, stick with........ignoring the buzzing, if I possibly can do that and if I must respond, I think I'll try to say things that were suggested by Plucky, and if that doesn't seem to be computing....maybe the odd........expressive look might suffice, as I excuse myself asap.
I was feeling like a scared little lamb yesterday but today I'm feeling more like a bat!! I can and will eat that insect with my eyes, if I must.
I don't intend to get bitten, that's for sure!
I intend, as Mum reminds me, to focus on my daughter. That is what I'll be there for and no pesky, little irritating bug is going to make me itch!
Thanks again all! :D
Oh........and what Bunny said:
Hey, Bunny....will you come to my daughter's graduation with me please?
And you too Brigid and Plucky and Butterfly and Mum and whoever I've missed?
I'm going to bring my army with me in my head. I can imagine you all there, covered in fly dope, standing around me, with fly swatters!!
Thanks Bunny! I won't be there alone at all! :D
GFN
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I'm going to bring my army with me in my head. I can imagine you all there, covered in fly dope, standing around me, with fly swatters!!
I'll be there! Covered in fly dope!
Um, what is fly dope?
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Hi there, GFN :)
Yes..........I could do an evil eye thing, if necessary. I like the idea too. I will first, though, stick with........ignoring the buzzing, if I possibly can do that and if I must respond, I think I'll try to say things that were suggested by Plucky, and if that doesn't seem to be computing....maybe the odd........expressive look might suffice, as I excuse myself asap.
My niece just graduated from high school last week. Unfortunately, I couldn't attend her graduation. Cuz there are just too many of us for the limited number of tickets she had. But, boy, am I proud of her! My, how time flies! Geez, I feel old all of a sudden. :shock: :lol:
GFN, I'm happy for you and I know that you are beaming with pride for your daughter. I think she is very blessed to have such a wonderful mom!
Yep, we got our fly swatters all ready to go. :evil: Nothing can ruin your special day now. :D :D :D
Butterfly
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Thanks Plucky!
Um, what is fly dope?
Bug spray. Stuff to dope them up, confuse them, at which point they can't tell who, what, where, when and why to bite!
I think she is very blessed to have such a wonderful mom!
Yep, we got our fly swatters all ready to go. Nothing can ruin your special day now.
Thanks Butterfly. Lot's!
GFN
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hi GFN,
hope I didnt miss your day. Ill come too if you want dressed in a giant 5 foot tall bat suit.
I will bring a large roast chicken disguised a mosquito and be casually and loudly munching it nearby.
I know itll go well. If i am late and missed it, i hope that it went (goes) wonderfully for you :)....
Anna
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GFN,
I'm covered in bug juice, fly dope (that must be a Canadian term :? ), insect spray and that pissant is going to bounce off me like Teflon. I am ready to protect and defend your honor and make sure that the special day is everything it should be.
Blessings,
Brigid
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Hey GFN, I too want to be part of your defense team so I am going to jump a Jumbo jet and bring over some really nasty Australia outback critters and set 'em on this 'goose' who made you hurt ( that means a bad dude down here). We got bugs down here that eat tourists whole! Talk about tough.Some of our creepy crawlies chew the engines off 747's.
This goose is dead meat ...... Were and when??
Johnno
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Hi all:
Ill come too if you want dressed in a giant 5 foot tall bat suit.
I will bring a large roast chicken disguised a mosquito and be casually and loudly munching it nearby.
Thanks Anna! Yes, the bigger the army the better! No, you didn't miss it. It's this coming Monday evening. Hey! That chicken/bat combination idea otta scare the insect well enough away eh? (chickens again! :roll: )
Great Anna! Thankyou so much!
that pissant is going to bounce off me like Teflon.
That will be all the entertainment I need! Thankyou Brigid and for being ready to defend and protect my honor! That is very brave and kind of you and I really appreciate it! (Look out insect!!!! :!: )
Hey John:
We got bugs down here that eat tourists whole! Talk about tough.Some of our creepy crawlies chew the engines off 747's.
Really??? :shock: I've heard about the crocs and roos but not these you describe. Bring 'em on, John, and thanks for offering to help!
This goose is dead meat ...... Were and when??
Be at the school Monday at 6:00 pm.
Thanks so much all!! :D
GFN
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PS: almost forgot:
Johnno
Shouldn't that be Johnnimo??
:D
GFN
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GFN,
I think the best thing to do is ignore the person. If they start any BS just look at them and think of the guy on the subway in the trench coat, should bring maybe some rolled eyes and a chuckle on your part.
I sense a fear of yourself when dealing with this person, like you are afraid of losing it when they are around. However you do realize that you are in control of your actions and reactions. ;) There seems to still be a lot emotional baggage to work through concerning this.
LM
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Hi LM:
Good advice! Thanks! Yes....Mr. Trench coat! Hahahahahahaha!! The Purple Guy! Heehee! :D It's funny to think of now. Wasn't so funny then! That laughing was all....an act, to draw attention, to keep me safer.
I sense a fear of yourself when dealing with this person, like you are afraid of losing it when they are around.
I don't really feel a whole lot of fear in this regard. I'm more afraid of being N'd by the person, once again. I am dignified and caring, so I don't see myself flying off and letting loose because my priority is my daughter's enjoyment. I see myself as allowing insult and snide remarks to penetrate me, and then feeling N'd. So this wall I'm trying to build.....is something to protect myself from that. If I don't hear the snide remarks or insults, they won't penetrate and I will come away feeling like I protected myself from another N episode.
I'm also not looking forward to any pleasantries. You know....."Oh....Hiiiii.....How ARRRRRRE you? It's beeeeeeen a loonnnnnng time! Howwwww havvvvvve you beeeeeeen?"
I know I'll want to say: "#$%^&* ^&*%$^ :!: :!: :!: "
But, I intend to say: "Good. Thanks" and turn and speak to someone else, if that happens.
However you do realize that you are in control of your actions and reactions.
Absolutely. I'm just trying to plan ahead, think up some actions/reactions I can live with, and have them ready to inact, if need be. I could be worrying, probably am worrying, for nothing (waste of time :roll: ). This person may do nothing to try to get my goat. May avoid me. I won't know until I'm there. Making plans, however, is good for me. It helps me to stop worrying and decide, ahead of time, how to deal.
There seems to still be a lot emotional baggage to work through concerning this.
Do you mean emotional baggage in regard to my experiences with this insect? If so, I've been working through it for some time now. But you're right......there's a train load! I'm not worried that I'll lose it and look like a dope and reck my daughter's evening. I am worried that other people might. Like the insect's mate. That person is just as explosive as a wack of dynamite. I hope they don't show up, to be honest. But if something like this beginnnnnnnnns to smellllllllllll......I'm outta there fast. Leaving my flyswatting, dope wearing, big man-eating bug-carrying, huge chicken eating mosquito friends behind.....to battle the insects for me.
(Thanks you guys!!!!! Mega thanks!!)
But if they do just show up and try to casually irk me, I do not intend to react much at all. I think that is the best idea. I can definately do what I decide to do, in this case, I think. I can ignor my fear of being hurt and let the words buzz without making any sense. I really think I can do that.
I'm gonna do my best anyhow.
Thanks for your thoughts and input. Much appreciated.
GFN
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Hiya GFN, just read this thread and I have another idea.
Selective hearing. Imagine you’re almost deaf to this person’s voice. It only happens with them because of some weird tonal/modulation thingy that means their voice frequency is almost a smidgeon outside of your range (like bats??). So you have to say to them: “I’ve been a bit deaf lately so you’ll have to speak up, sorry”.
Alternatively: why do you have to be sane one all the time? Like everyone else’s suggestions about the purple-faced guy, you can act as crazy as anyone if you wish! You can say “I don’t have to listen to you, I don’t want to, so I’m going to talk to x over there now. Bye.” Followed by <big crazed out smile>. Develop a twitch too, or even two. Twitchy eye and twitchy shoulders always put me on guard. And fiddle with something in your pocket, which could be a sharp object….
How about: <in urgent loud voice> “Excuse me! I have cystitis and I need the toilet NOW!”
Or finally: “Oh! <grab stomach> I think I ate something bad today….uh-oh….umnnn…gotta go…..techni-colour yawn approaching…” <retch like a cat does>.
Want some more? You’ll be fine! :D No matter how nuts anyone else is 8)
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According to the prophecy:
PS take a see-through plastic bag filled with cold porridge/wet muesli and diced carrots. Hide in handbag. If person starts up, take out plastic bag and carefully place in their hands (so nobody else sees). Look serious, like you're handing them the secret of life. Don't say a word. Walk away.
PPS Do the stress management technique imagining the stream of cool flowing water..... :D
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Hi there P:
"I’ve been a bit deaf lately so you’ll have to speak up, sorry"
I like this one!! :D A lot. Makes the insects aware that I can't hear their buzzing.
Alternatively: why do you have to be sane one all the time?
Good question. Could be, in this circumstance, I think I "should" be sane, as an example to my daughter. But what message do I send her?
"It's necessary to be the sane one....all the time!" or
"Take crap under special circumstances"?
Sane. HUmmm. No such thing, really.
You can say “I don’t have to listen to you, I don’t want to, so I’m going to talk to x over there now. Bye.” Followed by <big crazed out smile>. Develop a twitch too, or even two. Twitchy eye and twitchy shoulders always put me on guard. And fiddle with something in your pocket, which could be a sharp object….
Gee this made me laugh!! Too funny! I think I could do something like that spontaneously, but planned?? I don't know if I can emmunlate Igor that well? I'd need practice! Or the fear of death facing me in the eye!
I'm not that afraid of this insect. Just afraid of my daughter's evening being ruined, her feeling embarrassed, or upset in any way, and me being hurt by that and some word/s that I fail to deflect.
“Excuse me! I have cystitis and I need the toilet NOW!”
This I could do but not loudly. But with a smile. :D
Or this:
“Oh! <grab stomach> I think I ate something bad today….uh-oh….umnnn…gotta go…..techni-colour yawn approaching…” <retch like a cat does>.
I guess we'll have to wait and see what is most appealing. I could grab my throat and wretch too, but that would be tacky eh?
Tacky. Lacking style or good taste. The insect dispises tacky. Thinks it's the inventor of style and good taste. No other style or taste even comes close. :wink:
I can do tacky. But how would my daughter feel about it? Embarrassed by her tacky mother or proud of her for a tacky but tactful exit? :?
Not sure.
Want some more?
Yes! Yes! For the entertainment value alone! Besides, there may be other situations that others are facing and some of your suggestions might help them out a little?
You’ll be fine! :D No matter how nuts anyone else is 8)
Thankyou for this Portia. Adding your faith to my collection too!
GFN
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Portia, I must have been busy writing my post back to you while you were busy writing another to me yesterday. I missed this until this morning:
PS take a see-through plastic bag filled with cold porridge/wet muesli and diced carrots. Hide in handbag. If person starts up, take out plastic bag and carefully place in their hands (so nobody else sees). Look serious, like you're handing them the secret of life. Don't say a word. Walk away.
Hohohohohohohohohoho! Heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
This I could do ....on the way out, in the parking lot!!!
Too halarious to imagine!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
PPS Do the stress management technique imagining the stream of cool flowing water.....
Oh Yes! And envision the insect, floating on the surface, in the pond below, and a large mouth bass, swimming casually nearby, looking up, and....... :D
I can do that!! Thanks P!
According to the prophecy:
Yes, thanks for reminding me of that list of how to stay sane stuff (it's somewhere on the "Anything" thread eh?
Ya, I could also say: "Would you like fries with that?"
(If the insect......so much as speaks to me!!!!)
:shock: :!: :shock: :D :lol: 8) :!:
I feel a lot better than I did when I first posted this thread. You've all helped me to get my program in order.
Thanks so much (((((((((all))))))))!
GFN
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Well my daughter's graduation was last night and it went beautifully!
All that worrying and planning and my abuser and mate did not show. Didn't call my daughter. Didn't send a card. Made a big fuss to her, previously, inviting themself and saying: "I'll be there for you!" to her.
I was relieved for me, but disappointed for my child. Another broken promise for her to digest. Another pile of baloney to hopefully discard. We'll talk about it...when the time seems right.
My daughter is a kid who usually wears her hair in a pony with a baseball cap. She likes loose t-shirts and baggie pants and hasn't worn a dress since she was a wee thing. And her acne is typical for her age and she doesn't wear makeup.
I did her hair in long wavey curls (which she requested to my surprise) with two little braids, that came from the front, across the sides of her head, to the back, which were then tied and the rest curled. Her dress was long and lovely and I took her to have her makeup professionally done (which the girl was young and did a marvelous job-----covering the acne perfectly but otherwise gave her a very natural look, as if she wasn't wearing makeup). She looked like a princess!
Guess what? She won a math award!!!!!! I think the lady infront of me .... went deaf...... when they announced my daughter's name and I let out a massive cheer!!! I am sooooo proud of my daughter! What a turn around she's made!
Anyway.....just wanted to let you all know that the evening went wonderfully and I didn't have to deal with any insects. Thankyou all so much for your support anyway! I went there fully prepared and felt very happy and focussed. You helped me to get to that state and I really appreciate it.
((((((all)))))))
GFN
PS: And no, I didn't bring the little baggie of mushy stuff P suggested I put in my handbag, even though.....I might.....some day! :evil: Might never happen but it gives me a laugh to think about!
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I am really pleased to here this.
LM
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GFN,
I'm so glad the evening went well and you got to enjoy your princess without any distractions. I hate that forever more I will have to mentally prepare for these encounters. I'm guessing it will get better with time, but who knows.
On Saturday we had our community 4th of July (we do it early) celebration. We start with a big parade in the morning. I was driving my convertible in support of my curling club (with about 40 members of the club who marched) and who shows up in another vehicle in the parade--my ex. We have lived separately in the same community of about 20,000 people for 20 months or so and it was the first time I have run into him. Unfortunately, I was not mentally prepared so it caught me by surprise, but there was no opportunity for any verbal contact so I just had that sick feeling for a short time and went on to have fun for the rest of the day. What I have to concentrate on is that virtually anyone who knew us as a couple has supported me and thinks he's scum, so I can proudly show my face around town.
Anyway, didn't mean to make this about me and I'm so glad it worked out so well for you. The great thing is that there will be no photos of him at the event to create a lasting painful memory. I'm sorry that your daughter had to be disappointed once again, but if he had been there and tried to start something unpleasant, that would have certainly been more difficult for her in the long run. I often wonder if my ex realizes that there will not be any repeat performances of these important moments of his children's lives. Probably not since it's not about him.
Hugs,
Brigid
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GFN,
Awesome!!! Thanks for the update. :D
bunny
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Hi GFN and everybody,
Given the excellent outcome (congratulations GFN! :D ) of your daughter's graduation it brings to mind a couple of questions I have been mulling over.
1. Why do we worry, when we know it is a pointless exercise?
2. How do we not worry?
I'm not saying I don't worry, I do, but I sure wish I could stop.
At the risk of causing offense which seems exceedingly easy for me here lately,
Jesus said "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
Why is it so hard to let tomorrow worry about its own things?
What emotional need does worry fulfill? The need to get an upset stomach, or the need to wake up at 2:00AM to count the holes in the ceiling tiles? :? :roll:
mudpup
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Gotta rush out but just wanted to say thanks LM, Bunny, Brigid (and good for you for going on and having fun and enjoying the rest of your parade day....even with the shocking encounter of seeing your ex!! ).
Those are questions really worth thinking about Mud!
(and the 33 degree weather, along with a pile of weeney but very agrivating ants in my kitchen......will be taking a tole on my thoughts as well as those questions of yours today I think!).
Brigid: Do you miss the varmits from the country? :shock: Right now I'm missing my ex neighbour, in the city, who is a pest control person!
GFN
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GFN!! Fantastic. I am so glad things went well, and your daughter got the focus!!! In a big way!!
Ok, this will definately come under scrutiny, (even from myself!) because it's after the fact.....but when you first posted your concern, I had one thought immediately:
it was that "things we worry about most, rarely come to pass."
I almost posted that but I am not much on soothsaying....maybe I "know" something I don't know!!!!!
I didn't see the things you worried about even happening. Chalk it up to experience as a world class ex worrier, or you can fancy me with psychic powers (blink the lights here!!! :shock: )
Like that hindsight????? :roll:
I am just so glad it worked out for you and your daughter.
Mud, worry is such a topic for my family, in particular the girls (there are a lot of us). My mother was a huge worrier, and now (she is passing, slowly) her body is purging the years of worry in it's failing chemical state (you may remember she is in gradual renal failure) She now must be on heavy anti-psychotics to "function".
A few years ago, when she started to fail, I told myself that I needed to get a handle on worrying so that in fourty years, I am not living my last few days in emotional upset.
Worry has NEVER done a darn thing of use for anyone. I have yet to see that any emotional obsession has ever been productive. I spend a lot of my time releasing worry and obsession from my body so that I can be free of it. It is hard work, but after seeing how it keeps people from being joyful in life, I find it is one very important thing for me to master!
And, ironically, doing so is truly a matter of faith.
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Good question, mud. Easy for Jesus to say! :)
I'm a big worrier to the point of rumination at times. Worry, for me, is like magical thinking. If I worry about it enough, some magic will make it all better. It's a defense against feeling out-and-out panic. Worry is the lesser evil. If this makes any sense.
bunny
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GFN great news about maths! :D Wooooeeeee :D 8)
Sad for your D that there was no communication about the no-show but we all have to learn that some people's words are not to be trusted. I wish I'd learnt that earlier!
Nevertheless, I'm glad you didn't resort to the bag o' fake sick :P tut tut, don't know why I'd be so childish as to suggest that :D :D :D
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Yaye! A happy ending! See everyone, it is possible!
Excessively
Plucky
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Hello everyone:
Hey Mum:
"things we worry about most, rarely come to pass."
Exactly, in my experience. Therefore, worrying almost...stops things from happening??? :shock: :? :D
Do you think the energy used to mentally combat such worries has any effect on events, or is it just fate? Just something that I thought of at this moment. Maybe a goofy thought? :roll:
Chalk it up to experience as a world class ex worrier, or you can fancy me with psychic powers .
Love the foresight and the hindsight! :D (and the flashing lights!! :D ).
Worry has NEVER done a darn thing of use for anyone.
I have some thoughts on this. Stay tuned. :wink:
Hi Bunny:
Easy for Jesus to say!
:D :D :D
It's a defense against feeling out-and-out panic.
That's one way of putting it. Makes sense too, to me, big time.
Hey Portia:
we all have to learn that some people's words are not to be trusted. I wish I'd learnt that earlier!
Very good point! I wish I'd learned that a lot...lot...lot earlier too!! :(
Hi Plucky:
Another good point about happy endings being possible. Wishing this for you, very much, too, in your situation. Then I'll be posting some big, huge, giant, massive, large:
YaY!!!!!!!!'s of my own!!
So......I've been thinking about Mud's questions and here's what came up, for me:
1. Why do we worry, when we know it is a pointless exercise?
I think worrying is part of my coping technique (isn't that a lovely term?? 8) ). Worrying, again, this is my perception, isn't totally pointless, or a total waste of time (although I often say it is). To a certain extent, I think worrying is necessary and does, as Bunny pointed out, defend me....keep me from total panic, or maybe.....it precludes it??? :shock:
When I worry, some, I try to keep within a sort of invisible line. I allow myself to worry and then I try to examine my worries, to see if they are realistic, or totally discardable. I'm not perfect, so sometimes I worry about silly stuff. That's when it's a waste of time, imo. So a more accurate way of putting it might be:
Worrying is sometimes a waste of time, or often a waste of time, or not always a good use of time????
That is....because if I worry about stuff that might actually happen, that seems likely, possible, or quite certain......I have identified something that needs a plan, for me. And if I can come up with a way to deal with those possibilities, or certainties, etc, I feel a whole lot better about it all and I stop worrying. So, even though the actual worrying hasn't solved the trouble, it has brought it to light, so I can then decide what to do about it, if there is anything that can be done.
When I find myself a) losing sleep and b) with skin eruptions, I know I need help and I try to get it. This is something that I haven't mastered, I think. It would be good, if I were to seek support, a little prior to these symptoms. However, so far, I still need work in this department :oops: .
2. How do we not worry?
This question had me going for quite some time. Imagine a world without worry? Wouldn't it be marvelous?? Total relaxation, all of the time. No worries. No plans to make. Not a care in the world!
Wait a minute? How could that be? Isn't worry a sort of instinct, in a way? Keeps us from doing dangerous things, sometimes, or from acting in certain ways? For me it is. If I feel worried, especially when I can't put my finger on why, or what is causing it, I pay great attention to it. I have learned to trust my gut feeling about some stuff (not all stuff....but some stuff.....I still need work here too, I think). But generally, compared to say.....when I was much younger.....I pay big attention to what I call: unwarrented worry. If it smells bad in my brain....I turn the fan on and run!!
Behaviourwise, worry keeps me from saying/doing stuff too, sometimes (again......not always...but sometimes.....oh oh.....more work! :roll: ). I worry about hurting others, so I don't say and do everything that I might like to. Imagine if we did that? Just said or did whatever we wanted, when we wanted, to whom we wanted, without regard for them, without worrying about them, or the consequences of our words, or actions?
Wait a minute.......isn't that what people who act like N's do? :shock:
(Again, in my case......more work needed, :? , sometimes I mess up! :oops: and say and do stuff I would have been better off to worry about a little :( ).
Worry seems good for me in this respect. If I didn't worry, I wouldn't give a hoot about anyone else. I'd be happy as a lark (ya think? :? ) but stepping on every toe in sight.
But Mud's question probably means something more like.....how do we stop worrying about silly things? Or even maybe....when do we know it's time to stop?
I think, because I am human, I will make mistakes and worry about stupid stuff, sometimes, till my days are done. I have set the limit for myself that when I lose sleep or break out in lumps, I need to take steps to move on to the evaluation of worries/planning stages, and to ask for support from another person, if there is a way. It would be nice if I were more able to do this sooner and I have that goal. I doubt I will ever totally stop worrying. And, in a way, for the benefit of people's toes, I hope I don't stop. :D
3. Why is it so hard to let tomorrow worry about its own things?
This is hard isn't it? For me it is. I'm a planner. I like things to make logical sense to me, or I just have a hard time buying. I like a certain amount of order and organization. I don't like chaos. I feel disoriented and confused in it. Worry feels chaotic to me. I never know what silly worry will pop into my head. I don't really worry a whole lot about the past, I think. And now seems like it's ok, a lot of the time, so that doesn't really worry me. But the future.........whoooooooooeeeeeee that's my baby!!! Always hopeful for better days ahead! Worrying about what might go wrong is my specialty!! It's a habit? It's a coping mechanism? It's a defense against panic?
If I based the future on the past......I would definately be inclined to panic.
Maybe I do that a little? So my way to combat that worry is... I plan. And then, I do worry sometimes about certain recurrence possibilities.....but hope keeps me sort of grounded, most of the time, I think.
I worry best.....when I haven't got a clue about what might happen!! That is good for a few dilly episodes of near..panic and large pustules appearing....anywhere on my body. That doesn't happen as often as it used to. Not for quite some time actually. So......I must be doing some of the work!! 8) ...(Whew! Maybe I'm not a total lost cause!!! 8) ).
The future is something I haven't got a clue about... but, ....because I worry a little and plan a lot, hope a lot, and try to have that faith that better days will be here......it's not one of those great pustule-producing-panic thingys, usually. I do depend on God to be there with me, I admit, no matter what happens.
It is hard not to worry though, if I have a fairly good idea, or an instinctual feeling about what will most likely happen. I wouldn't mind if I was never right but the trouble is....sometimes I am right and I worry fairly accurately. :shock: :shock:
I'm glad, re graduation, I was wrong! Glad! Glad! Glad! :D :D :D
4. What emotional need does worry fulfill?
For me....it's definately a control issue. I need to feel like I have some plans/control about what to do if this or that happens. It's nish I think. It stops me from worrying further, if I can do some planning. If I can't think of a plan.....I feel greater fear. So maybe, for me, worry leads to planning in order to stifle fear?
Worry :arrow: planning (stop sign icon please) > fear :?:
Or maybe I'm just a worry wart.....thinking up good excuses for worrying??
Makes me wonder if other people see anything good about worrying?
Or if it really is...just a complete waste of time?? :arrow:
GFN
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I think excessive worry is what people do who have had bad things happen where they had no control over it and perhaps no forewarning. So they were a bad surprise.
So we think and think about the situation, to try to find all the risks. We can't believe it's not going to happen again. We don't want to be blindsided by a bad event. We want to control the outcome by being able to foresee it and maybe change things to influence it.
People who have been abused as children are logically more likely to worry needlessly, as we have been conditioned to experience unwarranted and illogical punishment from the most inappropriate sources.
Some of the things you are calling worry, GFN I think are just normal concern. Worry is going over and over a thing that you cannot control, not thinking through the results of your own actions.
So, although I am a big fat worrywart, I do not think it is a good thing. I cannot say that all my worry has been worth it. I want to trust fate more. I want to trust others more, trust the world, trust God.
Plucky
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GFN,
Hooraaaaay!!! I'm so glad you had a wonderful day at your daughter's graduation. :D :D For some reason, I knew everything will turn out A-okay.
Mudpup wrote,
Why is it so hard to let tomorrow worry about its own things?
What emotional need does worry fulfill?
Thanks for posing the question, Mud. I agree with what GFN said about worrying.
That is....because if I worry about stuff that might actually happen, that seems likely, possible, or quite certain......I have identified something that needs a plan, for me. And if I can come up with a way to deal with those possibilities, or certainties, etc, I feel a whole lot better about it all and I stop worrying.
As GFN has expressed it, it's all about having control or being in charge over the events of our lives. I think it's human nature to have the need to be in control over our own situations, whatever they may be. I think it's also about trust. Maybe, that is why little children don't worry about much of anything. That's b/c they have complete trust in their primary caregiver. They have complete trust in whoever is taking care of them that he/she will provide all their needs. As I see it, they don't have a problem with worrying when their basic needs are met. IMO, worrying is a learned trait.
Jesus said "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
In paraphrasing Jesus, I think he is saying you can trust me with your life because I have everything under control. No need to worry, cuz I'm taking good care of you today and everyday. So yeah, I think worrying has a lot to do with the issue of trust and having our basic needs met.
Isn't it true, we are all like little children needing/wanting someone to just completely take care of us, hold us close and say that everything will be alright.
Just my 2cents,
Butterfly
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GFN,
Brigid: Do you miss the varmits from the country?
Some varmits are still with me. :x My kitties brought 2 mice (I hate mice) into my bedroom one night recently. Of course, it was while my son was out of town so I had to handle it on my own. I did manage to get rid of both of them, but not without a great loss of sleep and a lot of anxiety.
Maybe you could give me the name of your exterminator. :shock:
B.
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Hi Brigid!
Just peaking back a few pages and I saw this.
Welllll.......my exterminator is me. I, somehow, managed to get rid of the latest pest....for now at least...which is none other than the pharoh ant. They're pesky little N-ants that multiply a kazillion times per some-short-period-of-time and are said to be impossible to rid. Well....they invaded my kitchen and I mean invaded!! They are the tiniest little ants I have ever seen and I had no idea what they were. I called my ex-neighbour (the real pest exterminator) and he told me a few tips.
One was not to use chemical cleaners because it causes the colony to split up and form new colonies, including new queens.
Great! I had already gone balistic with the bleach and sure enough they were in two places in my kitchen now!!! :roll:
I noticed they seemed to enjoy the peanut butter jar, so I jammed a knife in, covered it with peanut butter and set it on the counter to see what would happen (because every type of bait I had set out so far had been bypassed). The little guys went straight for the knife!!
Next, I put those ant drops on the knife with the peanut butter (the drops you can buy in the hardware store to kill ants) and the ants kept eating!!!
When I spoke with my ex-neighbour the pest guy...he said I had successfully "changed their eating pattern from protein to sugar" and he congratulated me. :shock: I kept feeding them and every day there would be piles of dead ones. It was really gross but I was happy to see them keeling over (I do admit). :x
Apparently, there can be thousands more in the wall (workers and queens), compared to those you see out in the open (the workers). Anyway, it's been 2 weeks now since I've seen one, so I'm hopeful that they fed the poison to their queens and the whole fun time is now over!
Your kitties were giving you a gift when they brought you those mice (wish they would bring stuff like pretty stones and flowers instead eh?). As for mice.....they love peanut butter too. I caught 8 of them when I first moved here and haven't seen any since. Just with a bit of peanut butter on the traps. I know what you mean about not liking them. They're nasty!! :mrgreen: Glad you were able to catch them.
One of my dogs thinks she's a cat and likes to catch mice too, but I've only seen her stalk them and catch them outside (at which point she snaps their necks and drops them and walks away). :? My new pup is a hunter and has so far brought me 5 baby bunnies and a bird. :( Bringing me gifts is nice but the poor things! :( I guess it's nature but not the nicest part eh?
Varmits! Bugs! These I do not like about the country. A good trade for the crime and smog that thrives in the city though. And I do love to see the deer, especially the little fawns.
Take care Brigid. Hope things are going well for you. Come fall, I'm going to plant some tulips for you.
Sela/GFN
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One thing which helped me years ago was a psychologist with an alternate point of view. I was on my way to visit my Nparents and Nbrother, his wife, children, and all my brothers and their families for Christmas dinner. My stomach had been tied in knots for days. I didn't want to be anywhere near my Nbrother and has nasty behavior. His was worse than my Nparents.
The psychologist suggested I treat my Nparents and Nbrother like someone who is old and senile. (At the time he didn't know they were N.) He told me to close my eyes and bring to mind an old, senile person. Then asked me how I would treat them. How would I react to them.
When I opened my eyes the first thing I said was I certainly wouldn't be worried about what they said because in my mind they'd be crazy. He congratulated me on the first step. Then said whenever you think of the Christmas dinner, remind yourself that your family is senile. That they don't know what they're saying or why they're saying it. They're just a little crazy. :)
Well I'll tell you it worked. I went to the Christmas dinner with a different attitude and it showed. What do you say to someone who senile?
S: "Hello, how are you?" He's trying to get a foothold into my life.
Me: "Fine"
S: "What's been happening with you?" Second try.
Me: "Oh, not much. How about you?"
S: "Not much?" Exasperated that I wont engage him.
Me: "Not much."
S: "Oh." Walks away because he can't get a foothold.
Or my other favorite answers come from a web site drirene.com where she tell's you what works for verbal abusers. The tools work great for Ns as well.
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I think sometimes the reason we worry is that we have too many 'should's' in our heads, and we are trying to accommodate them all, and keep them all happy.
One recent example. I have no money. I already have debts. I shouldn't have debts. I have a car. The car needs a service. I can't afford to get it serviced, but I also can't afford to run a car that is not serviced. I can't afford to run a car. But I also cannot manage without a car. Also the warranty runs out in a month, and I must make sure nothing is going to go wrong in the near future. I should book it into a garage. I can't, because that means making a phone call, and I am not good at doing that. And anyway, I need to find paperwork first, and then the phone number. It is all too hard. And it goes round and round in circles.
In the end I broke this into bits. I thought, I can manage the paperwork and finding the garage phone number bit, even if nothing else. So I did that one day. Sorted out all my papers, and found the bits I needed.
Then the next day I phoned up (probably the hardest bit) and booked it in.
Then the next day I took it in, got the service, paid for it, and decided that the world was not going to come to an end just because my credit card has (rather a lot of) money owing on it. (You shouldn't be in debt; you should be able to pay it off every month. Ha ha, who says!!)
From the other side, perhaps there was unnecessary worrying, but in another sense, had I not been worried I would not have done this; it took a lot of internal nagging to achieve it, and it was needed, if only for a further 12 months' relative peace of mind.
Our Lord said that no man can add a single inch to his height by worrying, so therefore why bother. Well, that is true enough. Some worry is not productive. But a lot of it is, imo. He was pretty worried himself in the Garden of Gethsemane, and by thinking through the situation he managed to reach conclusions about appropriate behaviour, and achieve greater resolve and strength. So some worry is good.