Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Plucky on July 03, 2005, 10:38:06 PM
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For the past several years I have not made any new real friends. And have lost the ones I had. It just seems like I am too preoccupied to engage in small talk and all the surface activities it takes to start out being friends. I need some deep true friends right away, and that is not how it works. Except on this board. I don't have the energy to be superficial, and don't know who to trust with my real self. Twice I have tried to penetrate past the surface and share some real things, and both times I have been wrong and hurt myself. Any suggestions? Maybe when I am all healed and everything, years from now.....
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Hang in there. I know it's hard when you need a good friend and there doesn't seem to be anyone around.
An acquaintaince once told me people do care, just not in the time-frame you need them to...
I found a good therapist who filled my friendship gap for a while- someone I could tell all my fears and worries to and confide in. It was the best thing I ever did.
Take care of yourself, you will feel like socialising again, you're just vulnerable now. Build yourself up and keep posting here, we'll listen to you and I'm sending you a friendly cyber-hug right now ((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Hey, Plucky. Want to go catch a movie?Here, on this board, we do get to cut through the crap, but I'm not sure how it happens without a lot of time in "real life". And we might find, just like in "real life" that: we hate the way the other person chews, smells, walks, etc :lol: so maybe it's better this way. Just some ramblings for you...from your friend (ok, I will close my mouth while chewing!!! :shock: )
Just checking in....I'm sure I have better thoughts on this....but my brain and I are on vacation!
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Plucky, no advice, just sympathy. I am feeling much the same way tonight. I get invitations to go be with people, but sometimes, like tonight, I feel like it is all I can do to hold it together by myself. I just don't feel like I can tolerate having to "hold it in" to be around people right now. At times like this, its even hard to post here, but I remind myself that I always feel better after I do.
I have opened myself to being hurt by many people in my life because I didn't have the skills to sort out who was safe and who wasn't. Now that I am much better able to tell who is safe and stand up for myself, I still feel the fear of being hurt again. Sometimes, like tonight it is overwhelming. I'm trying to breathe through it and I played some Bach for a while, but nothing really makes much of a difference. It just takes time to run its course.
((((((Plucky)))))))
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Plucky,
Let us be your friends for now. There are also 12-step groups where people understand who aren't talking about superficial things (this isn't friendship but fellowship). Even good friends can get overwhelmed; sometimes it helps to find people who understand whether or not you know them that well.
longtire,
Thanks for posting and letting us support you.
bunny
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Thank you everyone. I felt like I just lost my only possibility for a friend yesterday. But somewhere inside I know it is not time to look for a new friend. I am too much in flux. One day this will all be behind me.
It is so nice to be able to take my silly thoughts and fears to somewhere and expose them and have you all respond so kindly. With words that impart new meaning to 'read it and weep'.
I feel as if I am so transparently asking for attention and asking you to care, and you do anyway. Thank you.
Everything bad must have a good side to it. That old silver lining cliche is true. The horrible experiences you have been through have made you so compassionate and selfless.
An undeserving and grateful
Plucky
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An undeserving and grateful
Plucky
None of us get what we deserve; neither the good nor bad people. :lol:
There is an old saying, 'if you want a friend, be a friend.' It doesn't always work in 3D, where as far as I can see most people are totally wrapped up in themselves, but - fortunately for us all - it works here. :)
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Plucky,
Friends can be the source of great pain and great joy. I could not have survived the last two years without my good friends as I didn't have anyone else to turn to. Through all my therapy, I have learned why some people are still my good friends and others are not. My therapist has also become a good friend and has taught me how to trust again.
You can't force a friendship to develop, but you must also remain open to the possibility. Most of my good friends have come about by being involved in a common interest. Maybe you could explore joining a group or volunteering in an area you are interested in. Just a thought. Until then, we can be your cyber friends who will always listen and support.
((((((((Plucky))))))))))
God bless,
Brigid
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Hey Plucky... bouncy cheerfulness is not exactly what I am known for around here, and I'm not going to fake it now. I've always thought it showed more respect to a person if I told them the truth about what I thought... as long as I kept the emotional aspect appropriate and tried not to step on any sore toes.
So.
I have been in the situation you describe for nearly two decades. I've reached the point where I just appreciate the peace and quiet when I am alone, because unfortunately, throughout my life, most of the people who have actively sought my company have done so because they wanted something from me. Balanced give-and-take friendship, which is the only true kind, has never been in it.
I think this is pretty common, it just takes most of us a looooong time to see it, and a lot of us never do because it hurts too much to admit this is how it is. There are givers, there are takers, and there are a few people who try to do both as appropriate, but not as many of them as there are of the first two groups.
People who have been N-dangered tend to give too much and have trouble taking. Ns and their favored children tend to take take take and regard any giving as a fate worse than death.
There just aren't many folks in that third group... so it's hard to find them. And the ones who were born 'lucky' often have limited insight into psychological pain, because they've never experienced it, so they tend to shy away from anything 'real' related to it. And the ones who found their balance after emerging from some kind of N experience, or codependency, etc., tend to keep a low profile and make friends very very slowly.
Hang in there. There is good in the universe, more than just the absence of pain. A lot of it, though, doesn't come from or involve other human beings, at least not directly. If you can open up to some of that non-human goodness, it can be very healing, while you are finding your way to more human goodness.
Do remember - denial is not our friend, and so people who can't see when they are in denial cannot be our friends either; as soon as we are faced with the things they fear, they disappear - if we're lucky; otherwise, they throw things at us [mostly emotionally, but sometimes for real], then they disappear. They can't help it. When they have broken their denial, then they can be there for us, but they have to do that work themselves. Until then, they can't even be there for themselves, and they don't know it; so how can they possibly be there for anyone else?
[And as Mark Twain put it, I am not only marching in that parade, I am carrying a banner. Denial is something I too have to fight. I've discovered it's work enough, fighting my own. I can't really do that and contend with others' denial at the same time ... ! ]
I hope this has made sense and is more encouraging than otherwise.
Edited to be a bit more inclusive, and honest ... ;-) ... especially about ...
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I hope this has made sense and is more encouraging than otherwise._________________
Stormchild
Yes Pollyanna/Stormchild,
in an upside down way it is comforting. There are not scads of people out there who would make me fab friends but I am too dysfunctional to attract them. I feel better knowing that the picnic has been rained on if I cannot go. If this makes any sense.
I was happy before when I had friends and I hope it will happen again, but I can wait.
Plucky
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Plucky, glad to hear you're feeling better today. Take all the attention you deserve. (And yes, you deserve positive attention.) I shifted back to feeling good this morning myself. It helped to remember that today is independence day and that I am very fortunate to be where I am today. :)
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I shifted back to feeling good this morning myself.
Yaye!
A taciturn
Plucky
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Hi Plucky,
I've been thinking about this a great deal lately. Although I love my husband and enjoy his company greatly, my life feels rather... unpopulated.
I know that my personality works against me. I've taken the Myers-Briggs a few times, and every time, I score as on off-the-charts introvert. That's not bad in itself, but it puts me at a disadvantage in this culture, which values the extrovert's easy friendliness. Also, I'm just not very good at small talk. Partly, that is because I'm very self-conscious; partly, it's because I don't have kids, so I can't really share in many of the conversations started by my contemporaries. Whatever the reasons, I usually end up feeling alienated from "the crowd."
I'm saying all this just to let you know, first, that you're not alone in this, and second, that "sociability" is a complicated combination of factors. The main thing, I think, is to accept who you are, do what interests you, and hope that you connect with others who care about the same things. Much, much easier said than done, I know. In fact, I can't really do it very well myself--but I'm trying.
best,
daylily
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I feel as if I am so transparently asking for attention and asking you to care, and you do anyway.
how we've all been kids then adults who couldn't just ask for attention and get it...
Hope you're feeling better today Plucky, and ask away; you deserve our attention and you'll get it.
Daylilly: Nyers Briggs is interesting isn't it. I'm an INFJ, it was very helpful to accept I'm an occasionally outgoing ( 'feeling' ) introvert.
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Hi Plucky,
You certainly chose the right moniker. You are more "plucky" than you see yourself. Been there done that. Keep on posting so we can keep on responding. I want to share something a wise therapist said to me. "You have value and worth as a human being". Having an inner critical parent in me it took me a very long time to use those words to myself for meditative/healing purposes. I finally realized what was going on and started to use them in my very short meditative sequence on awakening and going to sleep at night. It does help. It is not a magic bullet - nothing is. But I will take all the help I can get and I am sending you healing messages right now. Keep remembering YOU are worth it.
Best and loving wishes. Guest52
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Oh (((((((Plucky))))))).
Do you mean to say that IIIIIIIIIIIIII'm not enough???
You want moooore friends????????? :roll: :roll:
Puuuuuuullllllllease!! :shock:
Ok. :wink: You can do that (meet more friends in the real world). I know you can. When you're ready you will! You're just busy right now dealing with other stuff.
Once you get out there and mingle a little, you'll be fine!! :arrow:
:D :D :D
GFN
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This thread has opened up a concept for me that I had heard in the past but pushed to the sidelines as too 'cute' ..It is this," You don't always get what you ask for but you never get what you don't ask for."
Plucky had the 'pluck' to ask for what she wanted and the response was overwhelming..How courageous of her..Inspiring thread.
Johnimo
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You certainly chose the right moniker. You are more "plucky" than you see yourself.
Thank you Guest52 for your warm thoughts. I cannot rightfully take credit for this name. I was perfectly happy going about as "Guest2". Finally someone pointed out that it was unimaginative and easily confused. When I changed my name to "Formerly Guest2", others took matters into their own hands.
Many diverse names were proposed: Amphibian Sheila, Daisy, and (!) Spunky among them. I was told I am Plucky and immediately liked being called that. So I was reborn on the board as the Pluckster. I also learned that this reminded someone of a hen. (Not a chicken.) While I suspect that this was really a confusion with 'Clucky' I nonetheless set directly to practice my strut.
On a serious note, think it is so appropriate that my boardfellows nudged me into a new name. Because the person I am here - open, trusting, testing the limits of my fear - did not exist in my 'real' world. And this person exists here because of all of you.
Well, I'd love to stay here and wet up my keyboard, but I need to go practice my 'Plucky Strut'. Anyone want to strut with me?
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I was told I am Plucky and immediately liked being called that. So I was reborn on the board as the Pluckster. I also learned that this reminded someone of a hen. (Not a chicken.) While I suspect that this was really a confusion with 'Clucky' I nonetheless set directly to practice my strut.
On a serious note, think it is so appropriate that my boardfellows nudged me into a new name. Because the person I am here - open, trusting, testing the limits of my fear - did not exist in my 'real' world. And this person exists here because of all of you.
Well, I'd love to stay here and wet up my keyboard, but I need to go practice my 'Plucky Strut'. Anyone want to strut with me?
Hey Plucky, if you haven't seen "Chicken Run", rent it, rent it, rent it. You'll love it, especially if you're a fan of old movies, but you don't need to be to enjoy it. LOTS of plucky hens there. :D :D :D
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Hi Plucky,
I don't believe we have met - my name is chutzbagirl. You started posting as I began taking a break. :)
I don't have many friends that live near me either at this point in my life. I am also jobless and churchless right now as well. July is the barest month in my calendar I have ever seen. :?
I had to detatch from N Mom, bro and other extended family members 1 1/2 years ago. I was in so much pain that my friends from normally dysfuctional families backed away. I really didn't care about the latest sales, girl's night out, or any other seemingly superficial activities. My H and I were going through some tough but healing changes as well.
Now, my heart and mind are more at peace. I coped with my childhood by learning to be busy, perform, achieve, work myself to death. This month feels very restful to me in an uncomfortable sort of way. I sense I'm coming to a place where I will not define myself by the insanity of my past or carry the shame of my M's behavior. Then I can just be me. I am beginning to have the interior energy to enjoy conversations and get to know new people. It feels weird to not be in intense grief. Last school year I felt as if I was shrouded (sp) by grief when I picked the kids up from school. Didn't want to do small talk with the other Moms.
Healing seems to come slowly for me. I am involved in Al Anon and that has helped immensely - as well as my counseling. I have two very special friends on this board. :wink:
I hope you are able to find some safe people in the real world as well as on this board. N's do more damage than we give them credit for.
Take care and nice to meet ya!
chutzbagirl :)
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Hey Chutz,
Good to see you back!
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
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Hello Plucky,
I'm new here but not new to being friendless. I've gone through periods of my life with no one to call a friend.
This month I ended a long term dysfunctional relationship. My only wish is that I would have done it sooner. :) She was abusive and controlling which only became apparent to me when I had more self awareness and trusted my intuition. I literally sang, "Ding dong the witch is dead," after I ended the relationship. And just like this woman, she continues to hold on even after I ended it. She's got to have the last word, got to be right, got to end it her way, ad nauseum! Her behavior is very much like my Nmother's was/is.
My goal is no relationships until I get through this rocky part of my healing. Then I will have my intuition more intact and be able to know whether someone is an okay friend.
I am parentless, friendless and churchless. It feels strange but somehow very right.
I do have my counselor and my husband (who's in therapy too), and that's all I want right now.
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Hi ITexperiment,
Guess what my cell phone ring is??? 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead'! My 10 year old daughter chose it for me and we downloaded it. I think it was a 'God thing' because she chose it shortly after I completely detatched from my N M. I chuckle every time it rings. :lol: :lol: :lol:
((((Stormy))))
Thanks :wink:
chutzbagirl 8)
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I can relate to this thread, oh baby can I relate!
I have had and still have many friends. I just had a couple of letdowns that soured me. I decided I needed to weed out my garden and I freed myself of alot of grief by ridding the bad friends. I guess sometimes the ole giveth and taketh in a friendship doesnt mean the same to everyone. I had some friends over the years that giveth me grief and taketh no blame for it.
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I am parentless, friendless and churchless. It feels strange but somehow very right.
You can cross off friendless. You have us now.
bunny
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Hey Plucky, wanted to chime in here too.
You will have dozens of friends here. We all feel alone at sometime, you are going through alot with your husband being overwhelmed with helplessness. You need to have the right friends, having more than 2 or 3 close friends could wear you thin.
Keep reaching out the right friends will come your way. Take Care ............OR
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I am parentless, friendless and churchless. It feels strange but somehow very right.
You can cross off friendless. You have us now.
bunny
Thank you bunny!