Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Butterfly on July 22, 2005, 10:44:47 AM
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Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how unhappy I feel. A lot has to do with a feeling of personal failures in my life. For me, that's what kills my spirit and sucks the life out of me and prevents me from living in the moment. Like a big, heavy weight I carry around in my waking hour all day. :( :x :(
I'll go first. The biggest failure in my life is worrying too much about what others may think of me and underestimating the greed and ambitions of others. I'm too trusting of people, I feel. Alright, those are two things. :o
How about you? What's your biggest failure???
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Dear Butterfly:
I've had many personal failures in my life, which is part of growing and learning, but the biggest one? Probably allowing myself to think of myself as failing.
I trust people a lot and now, I don't think that is a failure. They have failed me by not being trustworthy.
I have worried about what others think but now....it's not my failure but theirs to think good things and be supportive. I do that for others so it's their failure, not mine, if they don't do the same.
I have underestimated the greed and ambition of others but I no longer think of this as my failure to detect stuff. I'm not greedy nor do I have nasty ambitions so the people who do have those are failing to have good intentions. I no longer expect myself to mind read/have psychic knowledge about other people's stuff. I expect them to be honest and when they aren't....they are the ones failing.
I am disappointed in a number of people who have failed me, personally, and taken advantage of my honesty and trusting nature. I don't intend to change because I believe it's good to be honest and trust in the good.
I'm sorry that these things are killing your spirit and sucking the life out of you and preventing you from living in the moment. There's nothing wrong with trying to be good, trying to behave well, trying to trust. The failure isn't yours, imo, it belongs to those who fail to see the benefit of those things and who fail to try to achieve them.
And they haven't just failed you or I....they've failed themselves.
Sela
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I failed to heed my intuition when it told me, just before talking my wedding vows, "this is the biggest mistake you will ever make in your life." Now when that little voice in my head tells me something, I know I better trust that it is right!
Ariel
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Hi Butterfly,
I would agree with Sela that having, what I consider the good qualities of trusting and believing in others and finding that people take advantage of that, not to be a failure on your part, but on theirs. If you could never get to the point of being able to trust again. . . which takes a great deal of healing and rebuilding. . . then that might be a failure on your part, imo.
If you had asked my this question even 6 months ago, I'm quite sure my answer would be different, but as of today, I think my biggest failure is not having enough faith in myself, not feeling worthy of doing things just for myself, not having the courage to find my self. I have spent my entire adult life (and probably much of my childhood as well) caregiving others and seeing that as my role in life. I can see now that raising dogs for 20 years followed by raising kids for 20 years (there was some overlap in there--I'm not THAT old :shock:) kept me from caretaking myself in lieu of caretaking helpless animals and children. All that caretaking was a good thing and I did a good job, but I did not include myself in the equation. Now I'm left with trying to figure out how to do that at 55 and it is a bit overwhelming.
I hope that 5 years from now (with any luck, sooner than that), I will no longer consider this to be a failure on my part and I will have conquered the beast.
Brigid
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My biggest failure, by far, has been the failure of nerve. I have never attached myself to a goal and pursued it, believing that I had at least as much of a chance as anyone else to attain it. Instead, I have done what seemed safe and, all things considered, easy. Except for my marriage, in which I made a genuinely good choice, I feel as though my life has lived me, rather than the other way around.
Middle age is breathing hard on the back of my neck, and I'm very, very scared that things will never be any different. I know that only I can make this happen, but right now, I'm sort of defeated by the meta-issue of motivation, if you know what I mean. Where does one find it? How come some people have it and some don't? Can you really fire the personal coach of self-defeat who's always murmuring in your ear?
Good question.
Best,
daylily
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Sela,
To a degree, you've help taken the blinders from my eyes.
Thank you for doing that :),
Butterfly
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If I think about my failures, I might get suicidal. So I don't go that route. What I work on in therapy is persecutory feelings and massive guilt. And it's probably going to be a lifetime process.
bunny
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Bunny said:
If I think about my failures, I might get suicidal. So I don't go that route.
Understood! I admire you for your will power to steer your thoughts in the direction you want it to go. I wish I could say the same about me. For me, thinking about my failures is as uncontrollable as a starving person trying not to think about food.
Portia said:
What does a budgie without a beak do? Succeeds.
Maybe it's just me, but I didn't get it.
About what people think of you: they’re too busy thinking about themselves. They really are! Ask them about themselves and just listen. You’ll forget about yourself and your worry about what they think. You’ll be amazed at how people don’t think about you! And that can set you free to be who you want to be. You have great potential butterfly, we all do! We’re not that different to each other underneath either. We all have similar fears.
Thanks for the reminder, Portia! Sometimes the truth is hidden in plain sight. The plank in my eyes prevented me from seeing it.
I think you’re cool.
Thanks for having a pleasant thought about me :P I reckon that's a cool thought. :D If only I believe that was true, then I would really be cool :lol: 8) :roll:.
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one of the difficulties for me, especially having bipolar, is mood swings, extremes.
Everything's wonderful or everything's awful...
Since I got that under control I don't feel like a failure, and I'm even forgiving myself for the crazy things I've said and done when I've been ill.
So I guess that's my biggest failure, not to understand and treat the bipolar; I lived most of my adult life walking a knife edge because of it.
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Whatever it might be, I hope it is behind me, and not still to come.
I think my marriage was my worst failure. Followed by my failure to find work in time five years ago, before the depression hit so hard that I was unable to do so.
After that there could be many more, but this is not a good place for me to visit.
My biggest success is having my daughter, and still being alive.
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College was my biggest failure or regret, I guess you would say. I was pretty smart and went to a good school. All my issues came crashing down around me in college. I was pretty screwed up for a pretty long time and surprisingly managed to graduate. I can see now what a great experience college could have been for me, if I had been healthy. I really cant blame myself, although I am sure I did for years. It was naturally going to happen eventually, (the fruition of my dysfunctional upbringing.) I was finally able to go back and make peace with the experience, apologize to those I hurt etc. It's a well known school and for years I couldnt even think about the school or relate to it at all because of the shame.
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My biggest failure is not trusting my intuition.
However this is also my biggest success because the more I see that my intuition was right on, the more I listen to it.
Without failure I would not know success. :D
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My greatest failure is that I am utterly unable to obtain support from people when I need it most.
I do not think I have admitted openly on this board that I am a cyclic depressive - because I myself only realized this recently. There is always a trigger, the episodes are never entirely spontaneous, so it's been hard to recognize their cyclic nature. I can become suicidal, and when this occurs, I sound quite negative, sometimes terribly offensive. I don't mean profanity, I mean absolute, Marianas Trench-deep negativity and despair...
Invariably, people then either ignore me completely (if I am expressing profound pain) or attack me for making them feel bad (if I am expressing profound negativity). Now and then I get attacked when I express pain... apparently when someone feels that I'm trespassing on their turf, and they own the exclusive rights to feel bad about X.
I honestly can't recall a single instance of anyone first asking themselves... how I[/i] must feel, to be expressing myself in such terms... and then asking me. [This is not an exaggeration or distortion, I honestly have never experienced it. It must require a nearly superhuman level of detachment, and I am not being sarcastic.]
I don't generally announce the suicidality. I'm usually fighting it tooth and nail and trying to keep it down. That is my own personal quirk, and not an implied or intended criticism of those who are more able to name their demons while grappling with them. In fact, I envy people who can openly say - I am feeling X now - instead of just showing what they feel, as I do, through other words.
Before everyone rushes to tell me that I can always come here, I must tell you that what I am describing has happened to me here, out in the open and more than once. It is the primary reason I stopped posting anything really self-disclosing, emotionally, here. Fortunately, I am very stubborn and pigheaded, so when I am suicidally depressed -- and people attack me when I need support -- that just makes me all the more determined to live.
Hellish survival system, though, isn't it. I really need to find a better way.
And yes, I am, right now, or I wouldn't sound this way. Have been, most of this week. But it has already bottomed out, and it isn't going to win this time, either. And I guess the fact that it hasn't won yet must be my greatest success.
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And yes, I am, right now, or I wouldn't sound this way. Have been, most of this week. But it has already bottomed out, and it isn't going to win this time, either. And I guess the fact that it hasn't won yet must be my greatest success.
<Sitting beside you and listening.
With a cup of tea and a packet of Chocolate Digestives. And a girly film or two for when we want to chill.>
(And scuba stuff borrowed from next door neighbour, in case of expedition to that trench.)
xxx
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Stormy,
I'm sorry for your pain of late. Sending prayers and hugs.
((((((((stormy)))))))))
Brigid
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Stormchild -
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Depression sucks.
I've also felt like I can't share my more intense feelings for fear of attack. I've often been kicked when I'm down, by the people I love and trust. It's lead me to re-evaluate who I give my love and trust to. People who kick you when you're down are not the people we need to confide in. It takes a serious effort of will for me to pick up the phone and call my therapist when I'm feeling vulnerable or fatalistic, rather than a friend who may or may not be sympathetic, or a member of my n family. It feels very lonely when I realize that I have periodically surrounded myself with people who only add to my sense of isolation, rather than helping with it. But I believe we all have positive resources as well, they're just hard to remember when I'm feeling depressed, which to me goes hand in hand with feeling maschochistic.
So I try and rember to call my therapist, who I trust, or one of a couple friends who I know will be at the very least sympathetic and not antagonistic. When we admit our pain, sometimes people get scared and lash out. They don't want to face their own pain. Those are not the people to talk to when we're hurting. I've thought about making a list of people to call, and not to call when I'm feeling down and less rational. Maybe I'll put it on my wall next to the phone.
Be well,
missm
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My greatest failure is that I am utterly unable to obtain support from people when I need it most.
Is this a failure or a disappointment?
I do not think I have admitted openly on this board that I am a cyclic depressive - because I myself only realized this recently. There is always a trigger, the episodes are never entirely spontaneous, so it's been hard to recognize their cyclic nature. I can become suicidal, and when this occurs, I sound quite negative, sometimes terribly offensive. I don't mean profanity, I mean absolute, Marianas Trench-deep negativity and despair...
I don't think non-trained people can deal with this level of despair and anger. This is my pragmatic view based on life experience and knowledge of what this training entails.
Invariably, people then either ignore me completely (if I am expressing profound pain) or attack me for making them feel bad (if I am expressing profound negativity). Now and then I get attacked when I express pain... apparently when someone feels that I'm trespassing on their turf, and they own the exclusive rights to feel bad about X.
I honestly can't recall a single instance of anyone first asking themselves... how I[/i] must feel, to be expressing myself in such terms... and then asking me. [This is not an exaggeration or distortion, I honestly have never experienced it. It must require a nearly superhuman level of detachment, and I am not being sarcastic.]
People aren't trained to deal with this level of rage/despair. You are absolutely right - it's beyond their abilities. Therapists can deal with it, though. I realize there are sucky therapists but I'm sure you've read posts from people on this group who have wonderful therapists. They are life saving!
In fact, I envy people who can openly say - I am feeling X now - instead of just showing what they feel, as I do, through other words.
Here's how I learned to do it. First I identify my feelings; reflect on what I really need/want that my feelings are telling me; figure out a relatively healthy way to get my needs met. I'm not always successful! But that's how I try to do it. This is a process involving lots of work and practice, and being on anti-depressants. There's no magic to it, except the magic of being empowered when my new behaviors got me more of what I needed.
Before everyone rushes to tell me that I can always come here, I must tell you that what I am describing has happened to me here, out in the open and more than once. It is the primary reason I stopped posting anything really self-disclosing, emotionally, here. Fortunately, I am very stubborn and pigheaded, so when I am suicidally depressed -- and people attack me when I need support -- that just makes me all the more determined to live.
Well you can always come here for SOME of what you need. Right? :|
Hellish survival system, though, isn't it. I really need to find a better way.
I agree, and you can! You have the winning combination of being pretty damn strong and also vulnerable. You're way ahead of the game.
bunny
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Brigid wrote:
All that caretaking was a good thing and I did a good job, but I did not include myself in the equation.
Somehow, someway, I believe your selflessness will not go unrecognized and unrewarded. Maybe, not in this lifetime. But it will not go unforgotten, I am sure.
Bliz1 wrote:
College was my biggest failure or regret, I guess you would say. I was pretty smart and went to a good school. All my issues came crashing down around me in college.
I only have one more year of college to go, but sometimes I wonder if I can successfully complete it with all the personal issues that are pulling me down. Literally, I feel like I'm rowing my boat upstream with the way my life is going right now. What scares me the most is that I don't see how it will get any better.
Portia wrote:
sorry..... Budgie = small bird, often locked in cage and used a pet
without a beak...sucks-seeds....... terrible joke I know. Sorry.
Thanks for clearing that up. Now I get it. No need to be sorry. I like corny jokes anyday. :lol: Even though I don't think your joke was corny.
Stormchild wrote:
I do not think I have admitted openly on this board that I am a cyclic depressive - because I myself only realized this recently. There is always a trigger, the episodes are never entirely spontaneous, so it's been hard to recognize their cyclic nature.
I don't think I've ever felt as depressed as I am right now in my life. Like yourself, my depression is cyclic. Usually, it is triggered with a deep sense of what I want to be but not. And all I see is my personal failures. I blame myself for anything that ever goes wrong, even if it's not my fault. Realizing I'm doing this makes me even more depressed. I know this is rooted in childhood, but don't know how to overcome it. The day I know how to overcome it is the day I will feel invigorated.
I don't generally announce the suicidality. I'm usually fighting it tooth and nail and trying to keep it down. That is my own personal quirk, and not an implied or intended criticism of those who are more able to name their demons while grappling with them.
When my state of mind gets so unbearable, I ask God that he would be merciful to me and just take me away from this life. He hasn't done it yet, and I wish he would soon. I could never take my own life, b/c fear of the unknown. Although I've been able to somewhat give what others need, I've not recieved from what I need. Even though I know I know others cannot give me what I need, I still seek it in others. I know this doesn't make much sense, even to me too. What depresses me is not that my life is unbalanced, but that I see my life as unbalanced. I wish I know how to see differently.
I honestly can't recall a single instance of anyone first asking themselves... how I must feel, to be expressing myself in such terms... and then asking me.
In my case, even though I always regret doing it and hate it when others do it to me, I still find myself hastily giving someone unsolicited advice. And often don't take the time to try to put myself in their shoes before I respond. I think I often fall for that knee-jerk reaction b/c it's painful to feel pain, either my own pain or someone else's pain. And subconsiously, I try to run from it as fast as I can. Other times, b/c my own pain has been so numb, that I have a hard time relating to others of their pain. Although, I want to, but I just can't seem to. I sincerely apologize to anyone on this board if I've done to you.
Stormchild, I wish I have words of healing for you and for me and for everyone who is hurting. To a degree I can identify with you in the sense that I know how bad life can hurt. I'm there too.
Sending you hugs and still praying for you.
Butterfly
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(((((((((((((Stormchild)))))))))))))
(((((((((((((Butterfly)))))))))))))))
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Butterfly--
This is so odd-- when I read the title of your thread I thought to myself: I know what my biggest failure has been. I didn't recognize the extent to which I needed to address the remnants of my childhood, and whatever I was born with, that make it easy for me to get in my own way. And put really succinctly, I should have gone on antidepressants a long time ago. And I should have started reading about the dynamics of my family a very long time ago, and working through them directly, through understanding and research. I have training that should have pushed me in both of those directions, and I didn't. I did go to therapy, which helped a great deal, but I needed to add those two other things to really get there. I believe I got my life fully when I started doing those two things.
Then I read your post. You mention nothing that you have done wrong! You are just dealing with pain, with the need to work through things, and with chemical imbalances putting you all out of whack. So, I would bequest to you the biggest gift someone could have given me at your age (if it were possible-- the drugs didn't exist then): please go to a therapist, and to a doctor, and work on this directly. I agree with Bunny-- regular folk/friends cannot deal with this sort of thing. It is too much to ask of them. And it is too much to ask of yourself to just muddle through unhappy.
I have been out of touch with these boards. I don't know what you've tried so far, so forgive me if you have tried these things. If you haven't, then I would say that the ONLY mistake you are making now is not to tackle this. When you get better you will see that so clearly it will be like wearing glasses for the first time, or coming up from underneath the water and breathing.
Sometimes pain is a comfort. Sometimes it feels familiar. Thinking about what we'll do when we're out from under the pain may be scarier than the pain itself, because it brings responsibility. Instead of cuddling up with your pain, reject it-- walk away from it. It isn't you-- it is something that is happening to you. And when it's gone you'll know where your life leads next.
peave,
Vunil
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SO- basically all our pain experiences have been learning times to move on...
And no-one need beat themselves up about that!
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Ok, clearly my pregnancy brain has taken over. I replied, but I think I colluded Butterfly and Stormchild in my reply (I got mixed up!). The post may still apply to both, but my apologies for being confused. Also, "peave" is not an ancient old-english salutation, but rather supposed to be "peace." Of course, you might be "peave"-d at me when you realize my post is completely confusing two souls.
Well, take what you can and just laugh at me over the rest.
Stormchild, I do hope you feel better.
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Hi all! I used to think EVERY mistake I made or thing I never finished was the biggest failure- till the next mistake! Now I look at myself and think I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't had so many failures. I'm proud of where I am and that I clawed my way through adversity- some things I had no control over but other situations I was the author of. Now I feel my biggest WEAKNESS- not FAILURE- is my chronic squelching of that little inner vioce that whispers- or shouts- your truth. Typically in my relationships, I ignore that until the voice- or is it everyone who cares about me- their voices?!l - screams at me! I always pay attention to that voice and my intuition in my work- do emergency psychiatry- and it's rarely wrong. This, and feeling somewhat stuck in my apparent inability to " get it right" - this despite years of therapy. So difficult to see clearly and be able to run BEFORE I get into abusive situation. I guess this second "mistake" really relates to losing myself and stifling my truth. Now I find it helpful to heed the opinions of friends who are trusted and honest in that for too long I'd ignore all their feedback and if they said " Dump him"- that would make me enmesh myself and defend the abuse even more. No more! Now if I get that valuable feedback, I do listen. I still haven't got to the stage- usually- of running immediatley. I still tend to spend months before I exit. My shrink thinks this is progress in itself considering how many years I've wasted in abusive scenarios- and now I no longer MARRY them!! Took me three kicks at that can to get it!! Frankly, in the big scheme of things, I find the above much more painful in alot of ways to deal with- even more so than my bipolar, learning disability and addictions. Actually, I think the ignoring my truth thing relates- or is at the core of - all the pain and irrational decisions- connected to mental illness, learning disability and addiction. Now at 47, I'm impatient and driven to get a grip as the clock is ticking along too quickly now to sit back, do nothing, and hope against hope things will sort themselves out.
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Hi again! Not really a failure- more like a moment of weakness. A back slide! I had a codependent flash this past weekend and unfortunatley acted on it with my ex N. He's in rehab- free room and board and a new captive unsuspecting audience!. It was his birthday and I felt "sorry" for him!! Even though he left me a snarky message- " If you plan on seeing me on my birthday, forget it. and I KNOW you'll send me a present and it'll be returned unopened...by the way, I invited so and so to TAKE ME out on my birthday". Despite all this, I caved and sent along a cake and card with people who were " invited". Coincidentally- NOT!!-. this couple who went are wealthy and , guess what!!!- they took him to a very high end seafood restaurant. He stuffed hs face with lobster and crab etc for free. Anyway- now the big problem is I've opened the Pandora's box and he's started leaving me messages asking me out for coffee, wanting me to go on a "date" with him this weekend- to a cheap greasy spoon, of course! He " sounds" ever so sincere, polite, warm and friendly. Typical! He wants to reconcile!!! I did laugh when he said " your name was on my LONG list of people who've screwed me over and I resent( NA work- 4th step, I think)...but I took you off because I DON"T RESENT you at alll. you're not responsible for me and my behaviour". He's really learning some new acting techniques in his "therapy"!! I have not responded to his calls and hope he'll back off and disappear once he gets it I'm not taking the bait. I feel so stupid for having had- and then acted on- my obviously misplaced empathy and generosity!!! AARRGGHHH!!! One step forward and two steps back!! Thanks for listening!
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M essages that give us feedback about life.
I interruptions that should cause us to reflect and think.
S ignposts that direct us to the right path.
T ests that push us toward greater maturity.
A wakenings that keep us in the game mentally.
K eys that we can use to unlock the next door of opportunity.
E explorations that let us journey where we've never been before.
S tatements about our development and progress.
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Hi Butterfly! Great anacronym- damn spelling!! You know, I verbalize all those concepts daily to people I see in context of therapy. Intellectually I get it, it's just so damn difficult to actually follow through on them. I'm taking a break from berating myself for above mentioned slippage of resolve! A good friend of mine said to me last night- " don't punish yourself for having a generous spirit and a big heart- it's a gift and there is no shame in that". And as I said before- at least I didn't marry the loser!! Thanks for the support!
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Two years ago I would have filled three pages with my response. Now I simply can't. I don't see failures anymore. I see lots of divergences from my path, but not always being aware of what that was, I can't really call them failures. I just don't judge them, really, the experiences I have had are all just part of learning/part of my life. As strange as it sounds, I think a giant "WHATEVER" should be stamped across my past...as that is what it is: past.
Everything I could call failures, were really just choices made at the time. And the ones made without consious awareness, probably were "harder" and yet all lessons are just lessons. If I suspend judgement on my experience, then I can move through easier, I guess.
The choices I made without faith (in myself, in God, in love, in goodness) and because of fear instead, probably led me to make certain choices that might have been different had I had more faith. That said, I don't choose to waste my energy on regretting anything anymore, as it isn't productive, and everything I have done up until this point had led me to this point. It's all part of who I am. I accept it. (can't change it anyway!!!!!)
BKS Iyengar says: "Triumph and Failure: the great imposters!!"
And after a Roman victory, the servant riding in the chariot holding the laurel wreath above the victor's head would whisper in his ear: "All glory is fleeting".
Vastly different sources....similar meanings.
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I'm a little leery of defining mistakes as failures. "Failure" sounds so irredeemable, and I think those of us unfortunate enough to have had destructive ns in our lives have been forced to "face our flaws" quite enough for one lifetime. I think there's a big difference from recognizing decisions you have made that have lead you or someone else to feel pain (and try to understand what lead you to make that decision) and labeling it a failure, which to me connotates something I can't really learn from. Our mistakes are a big part of what makes us human, and it's the combo grandiosity-depression of the n perspective that makes us think that those mistakes make us irredeemable, or horribly flawed. So to me the word "falilure" falls more into the black and white world of the narcissist, where "mistake" or "hard lesson" works more for me in the world where I'm trying to learn to discern all the shades of grey my nparents can't see.
I truly believe that there is a huge difference between "facing the hard truth" as my nmother would define it - involving feeling totally toxic and annihilated - and recognizing the ways in which I cause myself or others pain, which fills me with maybe one part remorse, one part compassion, and one part determination to learn from that mistake and move on.
missm
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Can something be defined as a "failure" if you learned from it, and didn't repeat the behavior or at least tried to mitigate the negative effects of the behavior? Even a failed marriage, failed business, failed friendship can be a learning experience that will hopefully give you new direction. If we didn't have failure, how would we define success?
Brigid
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Good point - like I said, it's about how I define failure, not necessarily any one else's definition.
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This is a good thread Butterfly! Thankyou for starting it. Glad to hear those blinders are coming off some! I've been thinking some more on it:
For me, I think of almost everything as a choice. So, failure or mistakes are simply incorrect choices I made. If I can remember that it is impossible to always make correct choices, all of the time, and that making a poor choice is not usually the end of the world, that I can learn from the experience, try not to repeat it, and live to tell about it....it just doesn't seem as bad as allowing myself to kick me (which happens too, sometimes, with pointed toe shoes! :roll:).
So what you said, missm, it's about how I define failure..
also means for me:
it's about what I think about failure.
If I think of failure as something shameful, something bad, something nasty....I feel how I think.
If I think of failure as something that happens when I choose incorrectly, as inevitable sometimes, and as something I can choose not to repeat.....I feel ok, imperfect, but ok.
Ofcourse, no one is capable of thinking good things about poor choices all of the time, or every time. But...if I can catch myself going into berrate mode......and change my thinking .....I do feel much better, than if I just let those nasty voices in my head beat me to an emotional pulp. So even my thinking on failing....is a choice that can effect the way I feel.
It is sometimes a struggle to change modes but for me, a worthwhile struggle.
:D Sela
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Moira wrote:
Intellectually I get it, it's just so damn difficult to actually follow through on them.
I couldn't say it any better! :D :D :D
Yep, failure is ugly. It's not a pleasant thing to behold. Nothing admirable about it. Sometimes, we try to sugarcoat it to make it less uncomfortable. But failure is failure, no matter how you see it. If I turn away, how will I appreciate its mystery and learn what it can teach me?
For me, I don't have a hard time accepting failure. But, I struggle with displacing it. This is where I get stuck on. For instance, if I sense I did something "wrong", I place the blame on myself, instead of on others. I don't know how to see that it's the other person's fault for being untrustworthy, having low integrity, etc. I place the blame on myself. Then a crippling surge of failure comes rushing to my mind. My state of being changes immediately. And I develop a backbone of a jellyfish. Because I placed the failure on myself instead of others. So the problem with me is displacement of failure, not in the act of failing. I think anyone who feels like it's their fault or feel like they have failed in whatever circumstance will naturally feel disempowered. I noticed in myself that when I am convinced and see clearly that the other person haved failed me in whatever interaction or doing it is, I don't feel cowardice in my communication or state of mind. I feel assertive and sure of myself. Unfortunately, that happens only once in a while.
Sela, that is why your first post to this thread has struck a real cord in me. And your words is still vibrating.
Does anyone have any suggestions for this poor soul? How do I develop the skill of rightful placement of failure? I'm not the kind of person who believes in placing blame on anyone to protect myself. But, I haven't place blame where blame is due. How do I shift gears with failure?
Butterfly
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Hey Butterfly! One of the biggies with me is that I do tend to see people for who and what they are and I recognize bad behaviour and abuse, but I then persist in denial, rationalization etc. It's not a matter of " how could they have done that?"- it's more" how could I have let that happen/or continue when I knew they were N, abusive etc?" I tend to beat myself up over my perceived inability to connect my mind and my heart. As I think I've said before, I counsel people alll day long and have no problem recognizing abuse and assisting people make healthy safe choices. Just doesn't extend to myself outside my office! With my recent slip contacting my ex N on his birthday- I can now look at that and say, I didn't sleep with him( not for his lack of trying!), I didn't tell him I loved him, I reiterated it's OVER, and I haven't acknowledged any of his calls. That is progress. Most of the time I feel like that guy in Greek mythology pushing that giant rock all the way to the top of the hill only to have it roll back down and start all over! I know the name but can't spell it! I guess I don't acknowledge the small positive steps and am waiting unrealistically for a major healthy break through. Again, intellectually, I know progress doesn't happen overnight on a grand scale- my own unrealisitic expectations!
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Butterfly,
I'm sorry, but I forget if you are/have been in therapy. That has been the answer for me to start picking up the pieces of my life and begin to rebuild. I have been reading books about starting over and am just finishing up a great book about women entering their second adulthood (the time after kids, careers, etc.) when you can finally concentrate on yourself and finding your passion for that stage of life. It has made me stop thinking about the negative things that have happened and start thinking about the possibilities for new and exciting things to enter my life. I have become so energized by this process and for the first time in nearly 2 years, excited about my life once again.
Failure is only failure if you let it hold you back and keep you stuck, imo. Being able to learn from it and make better choices and decisions in the future, turns it into success. I think so much of this comes from learning to love yourself and feeling worthy. For those of us raised by n's, it is not always easy to do. That's where good therapy can really help. I really don't have any other words of wisdom, but I do pray you can find a way to see yourself for the beautiful and wonderful woman that you are.
Sending you peace and light,
Brigid
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Sisyphus
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Does anyone have any suggestions for this poor soul? How do I develop the skill of rightful placement of failure? I'm not the kind of person who believes in placing blame on anyone to protect myself. But, I haven't place blame where blame is due. How do I shift gears with failure?
I had the same habit of blaming myself no matter what. Paradoxically, it gave me a false sense of control. If it was all my fault, then I could do something different to change these people and make them nicer. But the control was illusory, PLUS I had to deal with the self-loathing from having it all be my fault. So here's how I reframed it. It's not about fault. It's about percentage of responsibility. Maybe they are responsible for 60% and I'm responsible for 40%. That means I can work on my part of it, my side of the street, and let them work on theirs - OR NOT, it's their choice. But I will ONLY work on my percent from now on, no matter how massive my compulsion to take on 100% of the responsibility. It's a matter of practice and willpower not to cave in to compulsive urges for control. Know what I mean?
bunny
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Hi tl! Thanks for the Sisyphus! You know I tried spelling it about 50 ways and do you think I could get it?!! Noooo!!!
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Brigid asked:
I forget if you are/have been in therapy.
I've never been in therapy. Trying to avoid it at all cost. Maybe one day I will find myself in a therapy session.
Bunny wrote:
Know what I mean?
I know exactly what you mean. That's a good point.
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How do I develop the skill of rightful placement of failure? I'm not the kind of person who believes in placing blame on anyone to protect myself. But, I haven't place blame where blame is due. How do I shift gears with failure?
Butterfly, this is a good question.
The way I am working out of this is to suspend judgement. I have a tendency (that I am trying to change) to line things up: this is good, this is bad. It extends everywhere, into myself as well.
If I can let go of judging it all, I can see it is all just "stuff that happens", and it alleviates the need to identify and classify everything... which takes a surprising amount of energy.
Will I suddenly start thinking my ex is an angel and what he does is totally benign? I doubt it. But I can let go of the scary monster part of him (that only scared me and gave him all kinds of power over me), and it diffuses what he does into: "oh well, he chooses to do that, I don't." Then I don't have to be right OR wrong.
My mother dying in the manner she is, is not what I would have chosen, if I had the choice. But I don't. So I could cry each day, and feel horrible, but it won't change anything, and certainly doesn't send any better love toward her in her final days. It just IS this way. It's ok. There is a reason.
This doesn't mean I don't have standards or a moral compass, it just means that I trust myself and have some faith. I know I act with loving intention. I know I never mean to hurt anyone. I know I am a good person, so I don't have to spend all my time trying to prove that to myself in my head. I now try to see people who behave badly as people who are in pain, who have lost their connection to their true, loving self....and become distorted in an effort to alleviate thier own pain. It is a form of evil in many cases. This does not mean what they do is acceptable, or that we as individuals or a society should not do what we can to change things, however. It just means that we can understand it and let it be while we intend to change it.
When I accept and suspend judgement, it helps ME to become less pained by it all. All the "that's bad, that's good" I used to do, led me to really be tough on myself most of all. I'm not sure how it works, exactly, but as I have changed, my attachment to my judgements have changed as well....and I have become a more content person.
If I allow the world to be where it is right now, in all it's joy and pain, then I can have compassion for my own failures in turn. I can accept that my ex is rather sick and mean, but I don't have to take it on myself. I can still protect my children as best I can, and move on with my life as best I can, and let things just BE where they are while I do this.
I doubt I have explained this very well, but it is one thing I am working on that does indeed, bring me lots of peace.
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Does anyone have any suggestions for this poor soul? How do I develop the skill of rightful placement of failure? I'm not the kind of person who believes in placing blame on anyone to protect myself. But, I haven't place blame where blame is due. How do I shift gears with failure?
So here's how I reframed it. It's not about fault. It's about percentage of responsibility. Maybe they are responsible for 60% and I'm responsible for 40%. That means I can work on my part of it, my side of the street, and let them work on theirs - OR NOT, it's their choice. But I will ONLY work on my percent from now on, no matter how massive my compulsion to take on 100% of the responsibility. It's a matter of practice and willpower not to cave in to compulsive urges for control. Know what I mean?
bunny
This is such a good way of looking at it. From now on I am going to try this kind of 'limited liability'. I am going to accept no more than 5% of the blame for any given situation, and then work on that. (Because I get worried about tiny details, so I think 40% might be too much to deal with.)
And I am going to dump the other 95% in a visual image into a big skip, on top of the head of the other person. :lol: