Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Sallying Forth on August 08, 2005, 04:11:38 AM
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I found this interesting in one of the articles I read online the other day.
My Nmother was always on a diet. She was obsessed with losing weight. She still is. Yet she has a large frame, wide hips, and can only get down to 140 pounds. Her obsession was trying to get down to 130. She's 5'6".
She loved to serve strange foods and did not try to disguise them. One was serving us tongue. :shock: She left it as is, baked and served it without slicing it. She would always give it to me first and tell me to cut off a slice. I would nearly vomit looking at the huge, swollen beef tongue sitting in the roasting pan.
Another favorite was the marrow inside chicken bones. She would use all kinds of 'tools' to get into the marrow and consume it like crazy. :shock:
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I think I am going to barf. Jeez, are you a vegetarian now?
The N's I know are not so much eating strange things as always wanting to be "special" (oh, I can't eat that..... waitor, ask the chef if this can be done without .....there is nothing for me to eat here..., etc etc)
I think it's a matter of control, too. IF they can control every calorie that goes into thier mouths, make even eating a control issue, it satisfies thier N ness (temporarily of course).
Oh, and controlling other's food consumption is a real treat for them (parental N's have a hey day with this, a la your mother).
My exN used to take away something I was eating saying "you've had enough", and he does that to my kids at his house.
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I think it's a matter of control, too. IF they can control every calorie that goes into thier mouths, make even eating a control issue, it satisfies thier N ness (temporarily of course).
Oh, and controlling other's food consumption is a real treat for them (parental N's have a hey day with this, a la your mother).
My parents went to visit my brother in Bangladesh, stayed six weeks, and didn't taste one single foreign food while they were there. Chicken and chips, mash, shepherds pie. Not one single curry. Can you believe it? Not even when invited out to dinner. Brother didn't turn a hair, because he is just as N as mum is.
He, on the other hand, will buy jars of picked garlic to my house, get a clove in his fingers and hold it under my nose and tell me to eat it, because it tastes great. He does it over and over, and won't listen to 'no' at all. I tell him, I am sure it does, but I don't think I could eat it raw like that. He even put a clove on the budgie cage last time. (I think I said that before. :lol: )
Food is a real problem. I never ever eat at my mother's house. It is all about ownership and control with her.
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Oh God, that poor animal, and poor you too. How horrible.
I've noticed that a lot of N-ish folk seem to get a real kick out of carrying on like total twits in restaurants. Just exactly like Mum is describing, and also they looooove to get all picky and snotty about the menu, with the waiter or waitress, who of course has nothing to do with the menu selections, but if the N-ish one can annoy the waiter enough that it shows, then they can pretend to be justified in stiffing the poor soul for their tip.
Egad, it's Memory Night. I was in a restaurant with a date - this is about, what, six years ago... we were in a booth, near my old college campus, sentimental visit to a restaurant I'd loved when I was a student, and it still existed six years ago. Anyway. Next booth to us is occupied by a family of utterly obnoxious twit jerks, mom and dad and spoiled brat student boy. The kind of people who deliberately talk at the tops of their lungs because they know their conversation is much more worth hearing than anyone else's... so anyway they order their meals, and the food comes up, and they sit and yap for 20 minutes, then turn to their plates... surprise, surprise. The food is cold.
they call their waitress over and castigate the poor girl until she cries. They summon the manager and carry on about her poor service and the lousy cold food and this and that and god knows what else. I'm getting madder and madder...
So I get up and walk over to the cash register, out of sight of these jerks, and when the manager heads back over I buttonhole him, and I grab the waitress. I tell him, in her hearing, that I have been in the next booth the entire time, and I know for a fact these creeps sat and gabbed for at least a quarter of an hour without touching their plates, and the waitress is not at fault, because she waited on me too and our food was good and piping hot.
They both thanked me, and I said look, those jerks were trying to get her fired, just to prove they could, and I'm damned if I was going to let that happen. I've supervised plenty of people in my time and I despise bullies, etc. Then I gave her a couple of bucks, in front of the manager, and told her, they're going to stiff you on the tip, they're probably going to demand the food for free, and you deserve a tip at least.
Then I went back and sat down and spent the rest of the meal stifling giggles as these @$$h__e$ went on and on about the waitress, etc., while - of course - continuing to stuff their faces with the food they'd whined about.
Good thing I'm not in the restaurant business.
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I think I am going to barf. Jeez, are you a vegetarian now?
The N's I know are not so much eating strange things as always wanting to be "special" (oh, I can't eat that..... waitor, ask the chef if this can be done without .....there is nothing for me to eat here..., etc etc)
I was a vegetarian for about 10 years. I never thought about the connection. Hm ...
Oh this is guy I used to know to the "T." He would even wave 100 dollar bills in waiter's faces to get their undivided attention. His entire life was eccentric. He was a lawyer, flew airplanes, went to Hawaii EVERY year at the same time, tipped to get special treatment and wanted people swooning over him. He got it too. He's snap his fingers get the waiters and waitresses to come to his side. He thought it was so cool. I thought it was so manipulative. He owned a hill top house so he could see the enemy coming. Meaning -- the end of the world.
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My N had an inordinate fascination with eating. He seemed to put some kind of magical powers to food and the whole dining ritual. I never really understood it. It was like the height of intimacy was sharing a meal, especially if there were any special foods like homegrown vegetables, personally cuaght game or fish. I had no idea what that meant, but it seemed a little over the top.
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I was a vegetarian for about 10 years. I never thought about the connection. Hm ...
Jeez, I never though of being a vegetarian as being N. Well, I guess it depends on why you make what choice you make.
For the last 23 years of my life, I have been a vegetarian, as is most of my family. I could care less about other's eating habits (my fiance is not a vegetarian)
My ex is a vegetarian, also, as are my children, but to my ex, it's more a form of "specialness" or "coolness". It's like he wants a sign that says "look, I am cool, see?" Yet, with certain people, who he also wants to look good with, he will eat meat. So go figure! He also gets involved with any sport that is "different" than the norm, and then goes into it obsessively, completely. It is so bizarre, but goes along with the "look how special I am" thing.
I also have a sister who is Nish....and she will walk out of restaurants if the food is not "perfect" for her various eating peculiarities. I hate going to restaurants with her, as it is never "easy". If she deems it "cool" to eat a certain thing, or not another thing, God help the rest of us for making our own choices! Luckily, she has mellowed and is letting more stuff "be"!
When she was a hippy, years ago, she would go nuts if people bought clothing from regular stores (not used or handmade) and yet, just before that, in high school, she would only wear designer, preppy labels and poo pooed anything else.
So what is it? Why this need to be "special"?
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OK, now I'm laughing at how silly all the Ns look in restaurants....I was gagging at the tongue thing.
My Nfather was much the same way in restaurants--demanding certain tables, calling the servers over by name, always looking around wondering where they were (like maybe serving other people!), asking how certain dishes were prepared, and the meal always took too long to arrive. While we waiting we were treated to his pontification about his fine dining expertise, and also he would move things around the table to expand his territory. Dishes were to be delivered immediately to his hands upon request and then placed in your already crammed spot along with the salt and pepper, bread basket, flower vase and sugar bowl. The really weird thing is that my parents were quick to notice anyone else trying to "hog" the server, or talking more loudly than my father........a competitor!
One of my N relatives noticed how I serve salad for my family--a big bowl of whatever kind of salad, and I let everyone choose their own dressing. She told me she decides and just sticks it on the table. I don't think either way is better or more N than the other, but she was clearly uncomfortable with the difference. It was like, how come you are not taking charge of the salad decision? Yow, everything gets examined and scrutinized until you forget what being relaxed feels like.
Stormchild! What a great story about coming to the waitress' defense! It made me feel good to know there are people who a) know what's going on, and b) care enough not to let the bullies get away with it, and c) you did it in a way that didn't harm you. I'm going to remember that to see how I can help someone next time...thanks!
MP
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Hi All,
First of all - this board is great, it has really opened my eyes about my N-mom.
N-mom has always said she is a "slow eater", and takes forever to eat a meal, usually around 40-45 minutes, picking at the food, eating tiny bites, talking, stretching out the time incredibly. I know her food gets cold. It is her way of having an audience, controlling, and if she can get the person she is eating with to overeat (she likes to have all the food eaten that she cooks, no leftovers), all the better. Growing up, the family would finish the meal 30 minutes before she would, and be trapped at the table waiting for N-mom to finish. It sounds like a small thing, but it is just one clue about her many other N ways.
In restaurants, she would always tell us what she thought we wanted to order. She still tries to do this and I am nearly 40y/o. As little kids, we were only allowed one small softdrink with dinner. Since drinks are always brought out first, and we tried as hard as we could to ration those cokes to last through dinner or else go thirsty. This was because it was "too expensive" to order more than one drink per kid (3). We also weren't allowed to have water. I still have to order coke/pepsi with dinner with plenty or refills, remembering the limits placed on me as a kid and my frustration with her control.
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Wow, this food thing is a hot topic. Of course. I just returned from a long visit with inlaws. I know I have food issues but hey! they do too. My mother in-law cannot abide leftovers, so it is a negotiation at the end of each meal as to who will overeat. There is a long list of things they just don't eat, such as pasta, rice, anything fried, most vegetables, etc so it is hard to feed them, which I nonetheless try to do rather than live with the comments about how hard it is to feed such a large group as when we are there. I just ended up feeding my kids between meals so they could beg off sitting down with us. And my father in-law reacts with instant anger if a fork is dropped or someone slices the bread wrong. I have to buy my own cheese because I slice it wrong somehow and then they can't eat it. But I can't buy too much stuff, or she gets angry because there is too much in the fridge! Man it's exhausting!
My mum takes waiters through their paces and makes the table wait until they are faint with hunger before she will agree to pass any bite of food past her lips. Most times, she decides she likes yours better and you have to share. When I try to feed her at my house, the (empty) plate is too big and she can't possibly eat that much (sort of like Scarlett O'Hara). Then her serving is always too large, and she can't finish it. I feel guilty for heaping such a gross portion on her dainty plate (still less than my 7 year old eats). Then of course she has room for dessert and we'd better have something good!
My own food issues stem from being hungry as a child while spending neglected summers with my father. Nowadays I never want anyone in my family to be hungry. I pack a lunch for the car when we go shopping or to the post office!
Whew! What a dysfunctional bunch! Is anyone still reading?
Vaguely
Plucky
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Hi ya, Plucky!
Yes, I read your post. wow. It made me want to take a big serving spoon of cold mashed potatoes and catapult it at your inlaws and mom!
Food fight!!!! :D
Miss Piggy Piggy Piggy 8)
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Makes me want to sculpt the Devil's Tower in Wyoming out of mashed potatoes as visions of Close Encounters haunt my mind ...
ROFLMAO! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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N-mom has always said she is a "slow eater", and takes forever to eat a meal, usually around 40-45 minutes, picking at the food, eating tiny bites, talking, stretching out the time incredibly.
Oh, God, this reminds me of my mum. When we are sitting at table together (Christmas only!!!!), she picks at her plate, takes tiny bites, strains to swallow, and does so with a look of great pain on her face. She looks as if she is eating barbed wire, or something. I know her cooking is bad (VERY BAD!!) but the rest of us manage without pulling faces.
In restaurants she always has roast beef dinners, if she can. (The most expensive) And she orders it as if anyone ordering anything else needs their head examined. As if that is all there is.
Everyone in my family has a very cultivated 'just ignore her and she will stop doing it' behaviour. We all do it, even those who are still enmeshed, rather than aware. So if she thinks no-one is looking or paying attention, she stops doing it and eats fast and normally.
She also has a bad back that comes with an audience, and a sprained ankle from 10 years ago, that reappears on cue when she wants to start limping. Sometimes you get the back and the limp together; what you might call the gala performance. Generally, when she is off to the kitchen to continue making dinner or whatever. It is the 'don't worry about me dying; I will still wait on everyone hand and foot, and be the Perfect Mother' act.
Again, it is bizarre how all these family members who believe the 'happy family' myth ignore her pretend pain. If she is a real mother, then why do they not treat her with compassion? I know why I don't. It means they know really as well, doesn't it???
Doesn't this sound callous? If the conditions were real maybe it would be. But they are high day and holiday conditions only. Put her in a shopping centre with a bit of money in her pocket and she can walk all day, without even a cup of tea. (She won't pay cafe prices for tea.)
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Nowadays I never want anyone in my family to be hungry. I pack a lunch for the car when we go shopping or to the post office!
Whew! What a dysfunctional bunch! Is anyone still reading?
Vaguely
Plucky
I do that too!! If I am taking C out, I usually take drinks and crisps in my handbag. Partly to save buying them, but partly because I don't want either of us (but mostly her) to go without.
My family think she is too fat, although I would say she is just healthy, but with health problems which affect her weight, temporarily. They make all sorts of snide half hidden comments, such as about rugby players (mostly I think she doesn't hear or understand. She has a relatively good self image). She is both coeliac and thyroid, and I refuse to even consider a diet for a child of any age. I have adjusted what we both have to include more fresh ingredients and no processed at all, and plenty of fruit. Other than that, I leave it to her to choose what she wants me to cook for dinner. Mostly she eats sensibly enough.
My family ignores her medical conditions as they do mine. And my parents told me yesterday that they do not believe D is as unwell as he claims, because he overdramatises things. Which is rather rich, coming from them. Dad told me I should not have told C anything about her dad's health at all, and certainly not that I think he is dying. I said, but she has seen it for herself; what am I supposed to do about that??
My brothers boys are all stick thin, like we were when we were small. : / They fall over a lot and are always covered in cuts and bruises of one kind or another. Youngest fell over last weekend while I was there and cut his scalp open. Not seriously, but there was a bit of blood, and he was distressed. The blood got mopped up, the distress got ignored. You could say he is accident prone, or you could say that he and his brothers have never been taught how to look after themselves in an appropriate way.
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Yes, I read your post. wow. It made me want to take a big serving spoon of cold mashed potatoes and catapult it at your inlaws and mom!
Food fight!!!! :D
That is what an N can never do!!!! They can't play. : )
I love the image of my mother (or any Nmum) covered in cold mash!!!!!
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Oh God, that poor animal, and poor you too. How horrible.
Then I went back and sat down and spent the rest of the meal stifling giggles as these @$$h__e$ went on and on about the waitress, etc., while - of course - continuing to stuff their faces with the food they'd whined about.
Well done for standing up against these lowlife people, Stormy. :lol:
Speaking of animals, did I tell you about visiting my brother and what happened with the dog? Slight digression, but here goes. He has a labrador puppy, less than a year old, but he is quite big. The dog got out of the yard, and ran away. I was outside the yard with brother and his boys - he was washing his cars. Anyway, brother got really angry with the dog escaping, and went inside to get biscuits to tice it back. (Food as control again. Interesting.)
I went towards the dog, bent down and called its name, with an excited voice, like you do, and slapped my legs, and the dear thing came bounding over, all puppy like. I felt like a real traitor to get it back that way. :( So I took the collar, and started leading him back to the house, and brother appeared with biscuits, so the dog pulled away towards him and pulled me right over, off my feet. (I am not very strong.) Brother was concerned, and asked if I was alright, but after I said I was, he seemed to forget the whole thing. Not sure what he does inside his head, really. Anger, mostly, I think.
Brother took the collar and took the dog inside and I later saw the dog cowering with fear in front of him, and rolling over, looking dead scared. Last dog brother had I know he used to hit. Chances are same here, but I didn't hear or see it this time.
I wish I had let that dog run and run and run. :(
I know I can't talk. The goldfish we bought two weeks ago is still not eating, and is looking very sad at the bottom of the tank. I don't know what to do. I have tried water tonic stuff, and tried changing the water. I don't think I should have pets either.
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My brothers boys are all stick thin, like we were when we were small. : / They fall over a lot and are always covered in cuts and bruises of one kind or another. Youngest fell over last weekend while I was there and cut his scalp open. Not seriously, but there was a bit of blood, and he was distressed. The blood got mopped up, the distress got ignored. You could say he is accident prone, or you could say that he and his brothers have never been taught how to look after themselves in an appropriate way.
Hi October,
I don't mean to hijack but from what you write about your nephews, I am worried. Yes, it is none of my business. Saying they are skinny and possibly underfed, that pushes my buttons big time! Is there some way you can have them over to your place more and feed and nurture them? You may not think you are great, (but I do, and) but you are a far sight better than their home environment.
Plucky
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I know I can't talk. The goldfish we bought two weeks ago is still not eating, and is looking very sad at the bottom of the tank. I don't know what to do. I have tried water tonic stuff, and tried changing the water. I don't think I should have pets either.
October: I have always had dogs who lived healthy, long lives. We even had gerbils who lived 3 and 4 years (supposedly they only live 2, max).
I have never had a goldfish last more than a week. I don't think it's you.
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The only time my Nmother could play was when drunk out of her gourd. Even then she never laughed at herself.
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Hello everybody,
Hi Sallying Forth, yeah, it is so irritating when people can't laugh at themselves. I mean, unless they've been laughed at a lot when younger, which would hurt...I know an N who had a swimming pool and when her kids wanted to race, she jumped out of the pool, mad. I didn't understand when I was younger, but I do now! Couldn't play.
October: the fish. Well, you know my history. I agree with mum. It isn't you. The fish people at the store let me off the hook when they explained that the fish can catch all kinds of stuff when they are shipped in from wherever. They don't know the quality of the water, the condition of the huge tanks, etc. So bacteria all over the place. OK, don't think about it too much. But one fish may have swallowed something that doesn't agree with it and takes a turn for the worse once you bring it home. At least the bacteria are thriving! Oops I went there again. But still...why MY fish?
And the poor puppy...... :(
Back to food, I think there might be something really basic in needing to see our kids eat, or I mean, feeling better as a mother when our kids have full tummies. I can still remember the sense of relief after they ate when they were babies. Like, yeah, I did a good job and they're OK. For myself, I hate going anywhere without a snack just because I know my blood sugar will take a dive. Then things get ugly. So I just carry food and feel a little more together.
Has anyone else thought that perhaps eating disorders are becoming a status thing among some girls? Is this cynical? I know from the above discussion why food=control, but I think sometimes it can just be about Attention. I don't know. This is sort of a half-baked idea, but why is it only affluent girls? Am I totally off base?
MP
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Hello everybody,
Has anyone else thought that perhaps eating disorders are becoming a status thing among some girls? Is this cynical? I know from the above discussion why food=control, but I think sometimes it can just be about Attention. I don't know. This is sort of a half-baked idea, but why is it only affluent girls? Am I totally off base?
MP
Hi MP -- it isn't merely a status thing, it's turned into some kind of sick cult. There is a website, I believe it's called 'ana's something or other, and the whole point of it is to encourage young women to starve themselves to death, while teaching them how to conceal this from the adults around them [which doesn't take much, since anorexia is often a response to parental indifference or overcontrol - and as we all know, overcontrol is just the flip side of indifference, no real attention is paid to the girl in either scenario]
'ana' is of course a cutesy name for anorexia.
i have seen this site. there is something horrendously vile going on there. the girls are supposed to wear bracelets so they can recognize each other, there's art posted that glamorizes emaciation, and it definitely promotes a snobbish, bullying, hate-everyone mindset.
Now... to be politically incorrect as all getout, most of the female bullies I've observed in the last few years have been on the other side of the scale... eating disordered towards morbid obesity. My Nmother fit this to a T, and so did her mother, and so have the nastiest female bullies I've seen in workplace environments over the last decade.
It seems as though the young bullies starve themselves and the old ones gorge, maybe to compensate for the earlier starving.
To be 1000% clear here, I'm not thinking at all of girls and women who are naturally willowy, or naturally Junoesque. I used to be a stringbean myself, and know plenty of perfectly delightful ladies who are built like the St. Pauli Girl, or even more lushly. Beauty comes in many forms, praise be to God. And it's easy to tell the difference. All you have to do is look into their eyes.
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Hi Stormchild,
A cult! Ew.
Your stringbean remark brought up another memory--I too was a beanpole--but I still weighed more than other girls. When I was at that age where girls start comparing their numbers, they would ask how much I weigh. It was always 20 pounds more than the shortest girl, who would act appalled and tell me I weighed too much. But because of my "voicelessness" I couldn't tell her what an idiot she was.
My D is taking some major heat now because she eats like a horse even though she burns every single calorie of it. It would be a non-issue if only there were more privacy at schools. But lunch is her biggest meal. Ironically she eats like a bird at dinner. :? But it doesn't matter to me as long as she's healthy and active.
MP
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My D is taking some major heat now because she eats like a horse even though she burns every single calorie of it. It would be a non-issue if only there were more privacy at schools. But lunch is her biggest meal. Ironically she eats like a bird at dinner. :? But it doesn't matter to me as long as she's healthy and active.
Well... the other girls are blatantly shaming her for healthy behavior. How old is she? That cult website is aimed at middle schoolers and up, from the looks of it. I certainly hope the teachers aren't enabling this nonsense, but come to think of it, where are they and why aren't they putting a stop to it?
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I never thought before that overcontrol was a form of neglect; that is an interesting concept. My nd neighbour is very controlling of her son, daughter and h. The son is healthy and chubby - perhaps bordering on overweight, and she takes delight in telling everyone how well he eats - so of course he does as he is told.
The daughter on the other hand, is - to my mind - underweight. She weighs less than her brother, who is 5 years younger. Worst of all, she thinks she is fat, and she controls her food intake. She is often here and I offer the normal drinks and cakes or whatever. I sometimes put something in the bin later, and very often find that she has thrown half or more away. :shock: Her mother tells everyone that this girl does not eat enough, and at the same time delights in the 'look at my healthy big boy next to his waif like sister' routine.
I have many times witnessed the two children next door eating. Son is served more, and eats wolfishly. Daughter picks at hers and gives up half way. Son then takes from sister's plate, and finishes it off. Mother tells daughter off for not eating enough, and nags for several miinutes without interruption, and meanwhile allows son to eat whatever is left. :( Daughter is constantly nagged to drink more. Son is constantly allowed to snack, and if told 'no' persists time and again to ask until his mother gives in, which she always does.
This neighbour is big and bulky herself (not huge, but not a waif) and she claims that her build at 12 was the same as her daughter. Sorry, but I can't see that this is possible. She is tall and big boned; big hands and feet (and dark hair). D is small and slim and blond, and has the build of her maternal grandmother, who is also small and slim and blond.
(Another 'friend' some years ago showed me that she could join her 2 hands round the waist of her daughter, who was about 4 or 5, and like a beanpole. She also went on and on about how skinny this daughter was, and how she used to be the same. She also had two boys who were more normal sized, and this very very skinny girl. At the time this woman was one of the largest people I knew. :? )
It amazes me how people make up these fantasies about their families and expect us to buy into them, when we can see for ourselves that it is nonsense. :?
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I have many times witnessed the two children next door eating. Son is served more, and eats wolfishly. Daughter picks at hers and gives up half way. Son then takes from sister's plate, and finishes it off. Mother tells daughter off for not eating enough, and nags for several miinutes without interruption, and meanwhile allows son to eat whatever is left. :( Daughter is constantly nagged to drink more. Son is constantly allowed to snack, and if told 'no' persists time and again to ask until his mother gives in, which she always does.
This was the dinner table situation for me and my family. I picked at my found and my mother constantly hounded me to eat my food. Or I was told, "everyone is waiting for you to finish. Hurry up." Translation, eat the rest of your food now. While my brothers ate everything in sight.
One brother was allowed to eat when hungry no matter what time of day it was because he felt faint. I, on the other hand, was told to wait for dinner even though I felt faint.
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Hi
I certainly hope the teachers aren't enabling this nonsense, but come to think of it, where are they and why aren't they putting a stop to it?
Stormchild: I consider our school to be just like a dysfunctional family. Some normal folks overshadowed by grownup bullies...I try to shore up my kids' emotional IQ at home and patch them up if they take it on the chin from the other kids. It's hard, but it's the best I can do. Some teachers are good at keeping an eye out for this sort of thing and dealing with it appropriately and others just make it worse. My response to any criticism about eating habits is focusing on what your body can do, not what it looks like. Eat if you're hungry, don't if you're not.
SF: My mother always served the best cuts of meat to my brothers. I got the scraps and I am not kidding. I pointed this out more than once, even scraping my plate and serving myself what I wanted (a nice servable slice of roast beef with gravy) to make A POINT! My mother also favored by brothers by allowing them to tattle, a privilege I wasn't allowed. I grew up in a pretty anti-female environment. My mother hated her sisters (for good reason) but still, I wish she hadn't felt the need to dump on me through special treatment of the men. I know she is not even slightly aware of her prejudice. It just leaks out all over the place. Otherwise she's pretty OK. (I ate pretty slowly and it drove everyone crazy, hmmm, maybe that's why I got smaller portions... :?)
MP
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SF: My mother always served the best cuts of meat to my brothers. I got the scraps and I am not kidding.
MP
Those cuts of meat the business company got along with expensive wine, a specific salad dressing, special lettuce (we only got iceberg lettuce), the finest dinnerware, the real silverware, the special glasses, etc. Even when it was a holiday we got treated the same except for the fare changed to turkey or ?. But never any special lettuce or dressing or expensive wine, etc.
My brothers were treated better than me in every way, especially my oldest Nbrother.
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Play is something they were never taught as a child. Play is joy, not controlled interrupted or interjected or distracted to do something else.
My N does not know how to be playful. Except when his "acting" around children. Then he kows how to act like a child because he is one.
Around me, I only see his serious, dark side. The worriesome, poor me. Feek sorry for me because I'm working so hard at being a narcissist.
Give me a break.
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This thread really rings a bell with me. My mother had me on a diet from the time I was 12. She still watches my weight like a hawk, and going to her house is tough because I have to eat like a bird-- I am served these little portions of fat-free food. I have taken to putting food in my suitcase, as others have mentioned they do. I was put in weight watchers at the age of 14 (I was a cheerleader, skinny as can be) and they kicked me out because I wasn't overweight (I actually gained a little on their diet!). I was led to realize this meant I was hopeless-- my mom took this as an indication that I would never be able to lose weight, even on that diet, sigh, poor 125 pound me (I am pretty tall). It is pretty sick to look back on.
Now I am pregnant and I will probably top 200 lbs before it's all over ! (it is 30 years later). I wonder what she'll say when she sees me. I wonder how soon after the birth she'll start pushing me to diet... Good thing I have perfected the art of not remotely listening.
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Hi Vunil,
:shock: Boy, people just dont know what they put tall girls through. Don't they know that six more inches is going to weigh something?? Sometimes I think if these scenes were played out on TV, they would be hiliarious. Can you imagine skinny you in weight-watchers and what the other ladies must have been thinking? :shock: If only it weren't true.
It sounds like your mother was once one of the girls at my high school, looking for ANY material to use to put the other girls down, whether it made sense or not. There I am sputtering away trying to explain why I might weigh more and it didn't matter that I was all skin and bones--they wanted to tell me I was overweight! wow.
MP
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My mother hated her sisters (for good reason) but still, I wish she hadn't felt the need to dump on me through special treatment of the men. I know she is not even slightly aware of her prejudice. It just leaks out all over the place.
MP
My mum did this too. She resented her younger sisters, and she resented me ten times more.
She favoured my dad and brothers in serving out food. She got the best, they got the most, and I got what was left over.
However, at the same time, dad had it firmly fixed in his head that I was preferred by her and spoilt, and so he did what he could to counter this 'spoiling', by squashing me and encouraging the boys. Which meant I got it from both sides. Not sure where that one came from, except that Ns can make people think they are doing one thing, while actually doing the opposite.
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Hi October,
it could just be that your dad has the female prejudice too, and rationalized it with that stupid madeup logic they seem to champion. I was dumped on by an Nbro because he, too, was convinced that I was spoiled because I am the only girl.
Truth is, he hated seeing anyone get anything. It was all supposed to go to him. He is a very selfish person. He probably resented my bras and underwear too. :D He also needed reasons to just get on my case. One of his favorite stories is telling people his reaction when I was brought home from the hospital: "what is IT?" ha ha, so so funny. Not. When I'm really feeling sorry for myself, I wonder if the reason my parents didn't have the five or six babies they said they wanted when they got married is because upon my birth they realized the possibility of having girls. I brought those plans to an abrupt halt. I really do think this occasionally. Unfortunately.
My brother has a need to know that mommy loves him and only him. Once I had to point out it wasn't so, mom loves me too, and what would people think of a mother who loved only one of her children, and he looked shocked. I could go on and on about mother and her little man. A love story.
MP
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Hi October,
it could just be that your dad has the female prejudice too, and rationalized it with that stupid madeup logic they seem to champion. I was dumped on by an Nbro because he, too, was convinced that I was spoiled because I am the only girl.
Truth is, he hated seeing anyone get anything. It was all supposed to go to him. He is a very selfish person.
My brother has a need to know that mommy loves him and only him. Once I had to point out it wasn't so, mom loves me too, and what would people think of a mother who loved only one of her children, and he looked shocked. I could go on and on about mother and her little man. A love story.
MP
MP,
That sounds like my Nbrother too. I'm the only girl as well. My Nparents live behind my Nbrother. My Nmother lives her life through my Nbrother. Her little man? Never thought about it in that way. Interesting.
My H's sister is very much like your brother. When her Nmother was on her death bed she went into her house and started to take anything that wasn't nailed down. Everything had been given to the sister's own son but she didn't even want him to have it! She felt entitled to it all including the house!
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Hi SF,
Omigod, the empty suitcase syndrome. Ew. It's so nakedly morbid and selfish and mean. No scruples (do people still use that word?). I mean, why show up at all? Why not just stay away if one feels like that after someone dies? Just move on. I dunno. I know my sil will be doing the same thing when the time comes. She would steal candy from a baby.
MP