Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: CC on December 03, 2003, 02:42:41 PM
-
I think I've met the record for the longest post EVER! I hope you find it somewhat amusing, yet unfortunately a painful experience to learn from too.
I hope you all made it through the Thanksgiving holiday intact. While the day itself for me wasn’t too bad, the surrounding events were.. well, let’s just say the shit has hit the fan with my Nmother. Most of you over this year have watched as I have been able to keep mother at bay while exercising my “boundaries” and preaching to you all about how effective it is. Though I still believe it is, I felt this post was necessary to share that no matter how well you think you set your boundaries - it is a constant struggle and as long as you remain involved in your N’s life, there will still be pitfalls.
As you may know I announced my pregnancy to my mother about 3 weeks ago (I’m now at about 3 months) and her response was a little less than favorable. I’ve decided to write this in dramatic form because truly, that is what the narcissist creates. Here is my story.
ACT I
Mother and I, driving and shopping as we normally do on Fridays. We are waiting in the car for a train to cross and she is speaking hypothetically about me needing to watch my figure after birth because it is very difficult to lose weight once you have conceived (the Nmother is obsessed with her appearance, and mine as well- because of her vanity) so I decide now’s as good a time as any to get it over with because I was anticipating some conflict… but secretly hoping for better.
CC: “Well Mom, ‘F’ and I are expecting!”
NM: “Oh, I knew it last week because you were acting funny . Well, it’s your turn now.”
Talk about taking the air out of the balloon. And she changed the subject. Then she said this again (she had said it once before):
NM: “Well, I guess I have to get used to the idea. I feel a little like ‘G’ (my 10 year old stepdaughter) in that I won’t have as much attention from you any more. I’m going to miss my daughter and that makes me sad. You will be too busy with a baby to spend time with your mother”.
So you see, she has already begun to make my joyful moment all about her sadness and my guilt.
As we went through the day, the subject came up here and there.
NM: So, how far along are you? Are you sick?
CC: Yes, I’m sick every day, and that‘s why I went home early last week.
NM: HA HA! Welcome to the club.
CC: I’ve been checking into this website called “Babycenter.com” and the girls there say it should go away at about 13 weeks.
NM: You’re on a website about this stuff? (with irritation) Why are you being so obsessive?
CC: I’m not being obsessive at all, just want to be informed, and none of my close friends are experiencing this right now. This website provides some objective information and also allows me to ask questions that my doctor won’t necessarily answer.
NM: That’s ridiculous! When I was pregnant I didn’t have to do that!
CC: Mother, aren’t you even happy for me? You haven’t even said congratulations.
NM: Well, I don’t know what you mean, it’s your turn, that’s all.. Why do I need to congratulate you? I just take it for granted that you will be a mother someday. It’s no big deal.
The buttons had been pushed. It was bad enough she wasn’t happy for me. But on top of it to criticize the place that I go for support (since I can’t expect it from HER)??? Unfortunately I lost my cool at this point. I could have shouldered the disappointment that she wasn’t going to be a doting grandmother and be excited for me.. But to criticize my healthy choices was too much. I stopped the car.
CC: (angrily yelling and crying) You know mother, you are acting like a selfish child! I know you are not a big fan of children to begin with, but you could at least fake a little excitement for your own daughter! I don’t expect much, I accept the way you are, but I was HOPING for at least congratulations, and I was disappointed. And on top of that, I can’t get any support from you… and you make fun of the place I go for some comraderie??
I got out of the car and walked about 30 feet away to cool off. When I returned, she was pouting with the silent treatment and with her teeth tightly clenched
NM: (Sneering and tight-lipped) “take me home now please”.
Not a word was said between us for the 10 minute car ride home. When I got home she called me on the phone:
NM: “If it’s so important to you, then I guess I’ll say congratulations! But you‘re going to have to accept that I am not going to be the model grandmother!”
CC: “Don’t bother saying it, its not sincere. I expected too much from you, you are absolutely right. I have to accept who you are, that was my mistake.” (and hung up).
An hour later, this message is left on my voicemail:
NM: I’m sorry that we had words. I don’t like for us to be at odds. I am truly happy for ‘F’ and you, and just needed some time to get used to the idea. You are a different kind of person than I, and , I have trouble understanding the website thing because I wasn’t that kind of a mother. In my day I didn’t want to know all the grisly details. I hope you forgive me but I will not be able to be the model grandmother.
The following week we spoke briefly, I did not spend the day with her Friday as usual because I was sick, but we both agreed to put the dispute behind us. As far as I was concerned, it was over, and I knew what I was dealing with and was at peace with it.
INTERMISSION
Two weeks pass and a letter is sent to me congratulating us and a phone call is made to my husband with a hearty, but phony congratulations (these actions are in the typical N fashion of out of fear of losing the Nsupply source).
ACT II
Thanksgiving day has come and gone. Aside from my mother’s usual uptightedness, it went fairly smoothly. My French relatives were there at my home for this occasion, so some of the time there was some French language going on between my H and his family.. Husband ‘F‘ only gets to speak his native tongue once or twice a year and really looks forward to it. I enjoy it because it forces me to learn a few words here and there, but for the most part the family is polite and speaks English while we are sitting at the dinner table. There was a lot of fussing over me and my pregnant belly - the first of which I enjoyed since I have announced my condition. My mother attempts to tell us a story about her young girlhood and how she tried to bribe the driver’s ed teacher to pass her because she was such a bad driver - with $5.00. We all got a laugh at that, thinking that $5.00, even forty years ago, wouldn’t have been enough anyway.
Two days after Thanksgiving, a string of venomous letters finds their way to my door:
Letter #1
NM:
C, I have never hidden the fact from you that I’m not the mother earth natural. I’m not terribly family oriented (surprise!) I raised my children the best I could because I was never mothered. Why was it such a chore for me? I don’t know and I don’t care. I did my best and when you were all out of the house I breathed a giant sigh of relief. Then, grandchildren have come along, which is fine, but remote, I’m glad I have them, but I hope my children don’t expect me to fawn and gush, I’m not that type. If you will be disappointed in my grandmotherly skills, I make no apology. I hope you can accept that, otherwise I will feel that unless I perform in a certain manner that you will have an “attitude” toward me in which case I won’t feel comfortable spending time with you. I just want to get along, can’t you be happy for that? Don’t expect too much from me, and if it turns out to be more than expected then it will be a bonus for you. (a bonus for me?)
Signed,
Your emotionally fragile Mother.
Letter #2
C,
So when I told my little story about the license bribe attempt, you and ‘F’ and the others had a great laugh. You were laughing AT me, not WITH me. How come you all look at me as if I am a fool when I tried to explain that back then that was a lot of money? It only shows how IGNORANT you are. I had a feeling that you all “got” me. And I will NEVER discuss politics with you and ‘F’ again it is obvious that ‘F‘ HATES President Bush. And with all that Frenchness that day I really felt like an outsider. Don’t worry, you don’t have to have me over next year, that’s really okay!
(my H had mentioned he disagreed with something that President Bush did recently but has been overall supportive since 9/11. Mother happens to look to President Bush as a figure of grandiosity in the true narcissistic fashion).
Letter #3
Your French Aunt mentioned some advantage about your child being able to be a French citizen if you filled out some paperwork the first month. Why was she so adamant about this? What is such an advantage? An advantage to whom? That really raised a red flag with me. I don’t understand why she was so strong about this.
Letter #4
If ‘F’ (husband) wants to have so much close Frenchness with his relatives until it comes out his head he should meet his relatives at a designated place and go for it! Is Thanksgiving the only excuse or time they can get together? (I might remind you that the holiday was at MY home, she was a guest in our home and this was my choice).
Letter #5
You won’t be able to convince me of your way of thinking on any of the aforementioned. I can have the same relationship with you that I have with ‘J’ (my estranged sister - they speak on the phone once every two or three months). All I ask is respect and civility.
You asked me once (I don’t ever remember asking her this, I think she made it up in the N-crazy making way) if I thought you were as intelligent as I am, I’m not sure you are.
I waited two days. I thought I would post here and ask for your opinion before responding to her (or if). But I knew you would probably all tell me to dump her ass like a hot potato. And to relive all of the feelings again by reiterating all of these letters was too much for me a few days ago. I have not experienced this level of her narcissism in a couple of years, because I thought I had done a pretty good job of protecting myself with the boundaries I had set. So I was totally unprepared for this. As much as I told myself not to allow it to upset me, I was sick to my stomach for these two days (not just morning sickness!)
I know many of you would have thought I should never speak to her again or give her the satisfaction of a response. But I must make clear that the need for a response was entirely for MY benefit, and my relief, than hers. I needed to hand back the pain to her and have HER own it, not me. So, my phone call went like this:
CC: Mother, I would like a few minutes of your time.
NM: Okay.
CC: I received your string of abusive and venomous letters over the last few days. I don’t know what kind of a human being you think you are. The insinuations in these are hateful and preposterous. I thought I had made it clear to you that I would not accept any angry letters from you. If you send me any more mail, I will return it to you from this point forward. I can’t believe that you think someone in their right mind would want to continue any kind of relationship with you after you have sent nasty, vindictive, angry, critical letters such as these. I now understand why you and ‘J’ (estranged sister) do not speak very often. It is a miracle she speaks to you at all. (She sent my sister a string of letters that were much worse in content that these several years ago.) This is entirely unacceptable.
My number one priority in my life right now is a/ my emotional health and b/ the future health of the baby inside me. I will no longer tolerate abuse of any form from you. I have plenty of sources of positive energy and they do not include you. I know that all of this nonsensical anger and unsolicited attacks stem from your jealousy of my new baby and you are the only one in my life that has displayed negativity. Therefore you give me no incentive to want to keep you in my life.
NM: I know, I am admittedly emotionally immature (yes, she has admitted this before) and I guess around the holidays I get lonely and feel sorry for myself because your father and the other kids aren’t around. But I felt like you and ‘F’ and the family were all ganging up on me.
CC: So you choose to abuse the person left behind? I have never shown you anything but respect.
NM: (crying now) Yes, that’s true. I don‘t want to hurt you. I love you more than life itself and I don’t mean to do this. I don’t want to be weak like this. I will spend some time and work on myself.
CC: You have emotional problems that are beyond my comprehension. I am unable to be your emotional punching bag. You will have to find other sources. I know you are missing love and acceptance from your parents you never got but I cannot be your counselor and confidante, and be here to absorb your every emotion. It is unfair for you to project those unfulfilled needs on your children. I cannot, and I will not, allow you to use me.
NM: I know, I know, you’re right, please forgive me. Its kind of like role reversal, I feel like I need your approval.
CC: It is not fair for you to project that need on me. I am very angry. I need some time. You cannot abuse people and expect them to forget. You are trying to do all this stuff to control me and get me to see your point of view, and all you are doing is pushing me away. How can you think I would even want to be around you after this?
NM: It wasn’t out of hatred, it was out of self pity. I know I have to work on this. I need to be stronger.
CC: It doesn’t matter, it was done. I am too old for this. You have tried to manipulate and control me for a desired effect in your actions countless times before. Every holiday is stressful because of you. You're attacking my husband and his family ridiculously. This is HIS house, not yours. I’ve had enough. And here' s a newsflash: Just because you are my mother or anyone elses mother does not give you entitlement for respect. You have to EARN respect from people just like the rest of us on this earth. I did not choose to be born. You had your children, and your children do not OWE you anything. If you are expecting that you will be unhappy for the rest of your life. It is a choice. You have the choice, as I mentioned to you months ago. If you choose to be in my life, it is on my terms, and you must show me and my family respect.
a few seconds of silence go by, and I realize that even though she is remorseful, it is all about fear of losing me, and I am feeling nothing but pity for her. How pathetic.
NM: Well, thank you for calling. I will find another way to get to the dentist on Wednesday and give you some time.
CC: Okay.
NM: Goodbye, C.
(CURTAIN)
My dear forum friends, I must add these few words: were it not for your support here in addition to my therapist over the last several months I may have not had the strength to assert myself with this level of force on the phone. I am forever in your debt. I hope I have the strength not to slip back into old habits. I felt strong and empowered after this exchange. I still will feel obligated to be in my mother's life. But I think I will truly stick to my guns. This will not be forgotten. I have already decided that when she calls me Friday I am not going out with her, I will simply tell her I need more time.
Thanks for listening, I hope you do not have your head on the table asleep by now after this ridiculously long post. I feel better though for sharing with all of you.
-
Congratulations CC, welldone! The below quote was one of the best things I've heard in a long while and oh so true:
"Just because you are my mother or anyone elses mother does not give you entitlement for respect. You have to EARN respect from people just like the rest of us on this earth. I did not choose to be born. You had your children, and your children do not OWE you anything."
You go girl!
-
CC, good for you! It souns like you have a lot of personal strength. When I got pregnant I found a lot more strength to stand up for myself when attacked by my N-MIL. I didn't want my daughter growing up watching MIL being snotty toward me and seeing me just sitting and taking it due to some obligation to "respect" my elders. I didn't want my child to think she had to sit and take it if someone were so disrespectful of her personal boundaries. The good news is that at least you mom seems to know she has emotional problems (my MIL is "perfect"...the rest of us are flawed!) Just make sure you don't get sucked into helping your mom with her issues...that's what therapists were invented for. Next time your mom tries to suck you in by labeling herself as emotional damaged or immature you can keep your distance from that drama by saying something like, "I'm glad that you can acknowledge that you have issues but I can't be the one who helps you resolve them...that is too big of a burden to put on a child - even an adult child. I would be happy to recommend some good books or help you find a therapist but beyond that, I can't be involved."
Keep the focus on you during this exciting time. Pregancy is one of the few times we are permitted to be completely selfish and take care of ourselves. Don't let your mom rob you of this joy by putting the focus on herself and her "issues." Explaining yourself or spending time explaining how she hurts you is just staying stuck in her problem....walk away from her when she is unpleasant...disengage....let her be the one to decide when to come back and play nice.
Good luck, God bless.
-
cc,
BRAVO!!! :lol:
I don't think it would work to cut your mom off completely. What you did was much better. Kudos!!!
bunny
-
Oh, CC, I think you're my new hero!!! You go girl!!! Fall asleep while reading your post? What? That was totally riveting stuff...I'm taking notes, believe me! Wow! :lol:
Stick to your guns, CC, that's all I can say. You have a wonderful family of your very own now and you don't need that contaminating crap your mom dished out one bit. After all the work you've done to get to this wondeful point in your life, she can't even congratulate you?! And,"It's your turn now.." What the hell was that all about...like, it's your turn to suffer some a miserable, motherhood martyrdom or something? PU-LEEZ! It's pretty sad to think that's evidently how your mom views the miracle of having children. These N's have such precise and innate expertise in turning even the most wonderful of life's events into dismal, self-absorbed swamp gas. If that's how she viewed being a mother, then let her cram it or wallow in it, or whatever. This is YOUR time, YOUR joy, YOUR miracle...period. She needs to deal with it on her own damned time and she can bloody well catch a cab to the dentist...sorry, I'm all wound up! LOL.
CC..CC..CC..CC!!!!
Rojo :wink:
-
CC, I LOVED Your post. Your response is a great triumph. It does get easier to stand up for yourself each time you do it, doesn't it? Thank You so much for sharing that with us all.
-
Boy! I am impressed with your words to your mother. You are soooo right and it took a lot of courage to say what you had to say.
I had to really watch over my kids when they were little..because, and this may sound evil..I didn't want my Nmother to be poisoning their little minds. They obviously loved her so much, and didn't know any different. So the main thing is to enjoy your baby, don't expect any compliments from her, of course..and devote yourself to YOUR family. You are already doing the right thing. I recently did over a spare room for my two grandkids, one age 2, and the other born two weeks ago, in wonderful, brilliant primary colors, toybox, clouds on walls, names on painted wooden letters, looks like something out of a magazine...and plenty of toys. I was so proud of my efforts and I love to have the kids over at my house! My Nmother looked at the room and said "Well! You'd think they LIVE here! After all you've spent on this room, I don't think you should give them anything else for Christmas!"
My daughter and I got a laugh out of that...she said "What Nan meant was...why didn't you fix this room up for ME? instead of THEM?" How true! Good luck with your precious baby! We are all pulling for you. It will be a wonderful time in your life...You will begin to measure everything by 'before" or "after" he/she was born...that's how you will measure time!
-
How do we get around the username??I had to use Nancy D. instead of Nancy Drew...because it keeps saying that the name has already been used? --thanks
-
Well done CC, thanks for letting us share in your Oscar-worthy drama! I have a feeling you'll be going from strength to strength from now on.
Just remember that you're the one who runs your life, not her. So when she calls on Friday, you don't NEED to tell her that you need more time. You simply don't want to go! Otherwise it will sound just like an excuse to her and you will loose some ground.
It's so good to see you stand up for yourself.[/quote]
-
CC, I am so sorry you had to go thru this, but holy sh*t - did you HANDLE it! You're MY new hero, too!
"Now it's your turn..."? Not a chance in the world, because you will do it totally differently than she did...the only "turn" is your turn to make a difference, and you will - you have already.
Son of a gun - I thought my Ndad was bad - this is going to keep me going for ages and make me feel downright lucky!
You did good, CC - keep it up, and please don't expect yourself to be perfect about this?
Personally, I think someone should make a heroic action figure in your image!
bobbie
(sorry for the "guest" status, but i couldn't get signed in and i HAD to reply!)
-
Rob, you wrote: "and i have accepted and welcomed it now that i see the Nmom for who and what she is."
This thought has helped me immensely too. This may sound very simplistic, but when I have to deal with the N people in my life and they do something strange, I just insert the phrase: "Why? Because she/he is MENTALLY DISORDERED."
Would you get upset because a schizophrenic thought they were Napoleon? It's the same thing with Ns - although less obvious for outsiders... They are in fact, ill people.
Hugs to all of you!
-
Hi Everyone,
Thanks so much for all your responses. I feel like I have my own personal cheering section and it is very comforting - but please don't call me a hero yet. I'm not doing so well today. I was doing great until this morning, early, and I woke up reliving all of the words in her letters in my mind. I have been poisoned, and all of the venom has not yet been removed. I know I have done all the right things... but I am still left with the emotional reprocussions of her actions. I think I am feeling the pain of her attack now that I have gotten through the anger.
As my therapist pointed out this morning, it is one thing for ME to have to deal with her stuff. Now she is attacking the other people in my life who care about me, and they are totally innocent and they aren't even aware of her attacks. They mean only well for me, and she is trying to persuade me otherwise. Why is she harming them?
My therapist recommended that I share the letters with my husband, so that he can be my strength when I slip back into denial that she will be fine the next time. I hadn't, for a number of reasons. Embarassment is one. Fear is another, because my deep-rooted need for things to be OKAY comes through, and I don't want to hurt my husband... he will definitely look at my mother differently, and then perhaps act differently toward her (he is not one to beat around the bush) and then she will use this as more ammo against me. Or, he may minimize it like he has other actions of hers before because he doesn't understand (oh, she's old and lonely, let her be, etc.) So I don't know if this is the answer.
I did tell him about the fact that Nmother mentioned her friend thinks speaking in French at the her home is rude and that her friend doesn't allow it (my mother spoke to me about this Thanksgiving day, and her friend's son happens to be married to a French girl). He said he thinks its possible she made that up so that it wouldn't look like SHE was complaining. My therapist agrees to this possibility.
Can you believe, I was actually considering taking her out on Friday because she needed some fresh strawberries for a small party she is having Sunday. You all and my therapist are knocking some sense into me. I have decided instead to pick up the strawberries myself and leave them on her front porch with a note that I will not be seeing her tomorrow. I feel beat up and exhausted. I am still angry, and feel at moments like I want to call her up and address each of her attacks individually with a strong defense. But I know better and I won't.
In reviewing a website about the 6-year old comparison to narcissist's behavior in a previous thread, I remember one of the N traits being that they need things to get back to normal as soon as possible in spite of their horrible actions. I know she is attempting this. I think I need to send a stronger message that there are consequences for her actions. She is under the impression that I have forgiven her already. I don't think forgiveness is the real issue though. I want her to know that this time is different than all the other times before. That she has really done it, and things will never be the same.
This is a terrible thing to say, but I am feeling it and I feel safe saying it here, because I know some of you have said it.. I look forward to the day she meets her maker so I can have peace with myself. I know this may not be the only way, but she is elderly and I feel as if I will not be able to completely heal until she is gone. I cannot bring myself to disown her in her old age, she has NO ONE. God help me.
Rob, your advice is very wise. I know intellectually that it is best to give the N as little personal info about yourself as possible. It is very effective, but requires GREAT STRENGTH. I admire that you and your wife have been able to do this. It is much easier said than done when we live in the same town, isn't it? What do I talk about during those outings? There are always busy things for us to do so we don't have to converse too much, but there is always the time in the car.
I think I'm going to call and get a massage this afternoon and eat a big banana split. My poor baby, I hope he/she doesn't feel any of this. I really have to distance myself from Nmother for a while and take care of baby. I am almost afraid, because there might be more reprocussions for my pulling away. it is such a conundrum (sp).
Thanks for being there y'all.
-
cc,
Share the letters with your husband; I doubt he will misinterpret them. If he minimizes her behavior, tell him that protecting your mom is not an option anymore. There's a baby now, and the baby needs protection, not this old bat.
As for conversing with the N mother, keep things superficial and shallow. That's what I do. It works! You can't possibly talk about your feelings or needs to this N -- FORGET IT. Don't go there. Keep it shallow.
Bunny
-
Hi, CC
You have definitely been through the ringer with this latest bout with your Mom and I hope you know I totally understand that and wish it were different for you....you've still got my admiration, though...no doubt about it. I think you're very strong and courageous and managed to articulate things to your mom that I so wish I could have done years ago.
For what it's worth, I agree with the idea of sharing those letters with your hubby. He sounds like a wonderful, supportive, understanding man and given how his family expressed such obvious joy at your pregnancy, the support you have around you does not end with just your husband. His family sounds just as loving and capable of the empathy which you, like the rest of us, need. Being completely honest with your spouse is, to my mind, one of the fundamental basics of a successful marriage. If you don't share your pain, in it's entirety with him, and he finds out later that you kept this information from him, guess what...it's you who's hurt him, not your mother, especially if he's the doting husband he sounds to be. Maybe he's tried to minimize things in the passed in order to try and protect you...as in make it seem less serious and hopefully less upsetting to you as opposed invalidating your experience of your mother?
In my own experience, keeping things superficial with my Nmom has worked. I wish it didn't have to be this way but it's the only way our relationship maintains some level of calmness. If I try to dig a bit deeper, expect more from her, or try to give more...it backfires bigtime and I loose EVERY time. I'm done with setting myself up for disappointment. Like Rob said, I too regard my mom as some sort of other species although, I was hitherto unable able to express this so succinctly until I read Rob's post (thank you Rob!).
CC, there's no absolute answer as to what to do about your Mom. I guess it's just a matter of going with the flow of events and making the adjustments in your relationship with her as YOUR needs demand. Chop her back as much as is necessary to maintain your own equilibrium and happiness. If that eventually leads to her being annexed from your life...so be it. The single most important thing in this whole equation is your happiness, your husband's and stepdaughter's happiness and especially, your new baby's happiness. If your mom chooses to crap all over that with her disease, then so be it. There's nothing you can do about it other than take the necessary steps, which you have been doing so well, to protect you and yours from her illness.
You know, I've thought all day about what you said about her having nobody but you to take care of her. I was thinking particularly about what I'd do in your shoes, especially since my NMom, who lives a long, long way overseas and is getting old and progressively more needy...what would I do if she lived practically next door to me to boot? Upon reaching total gridlock on the concept, I changed the question...what would she do if I weren't around? Let's just imagine that for whatever unavoidable reason, you and hubby, stepdaughter and baby had to move to France, or some other far away place. What would SHE do then? I imagine she would find a way to survive, CC. She'd have no choice but to. The tricky part is for you to be okay with her having to fend for herself. Not easy, not easy at all but something to ponder perhaps?
If N's are really children, as that article poses, then maybe some of what I've read about parenting applies to N's as it does to children. When you treat the child as an adult in certain instances...perhaps they start acting like one? Who knows...I certainly don't, especially since I'm not a mother myself (a veritable zoo of four legged babies doesn't count in this hypothesis LOL). But, your Mom very simply needs to grow up and perhaps you can help facilitate that by doing what you've been doing...letting go, being resolute in fending for your needs and indulging in that banana split whenever you need to. Mmmmm, they taste so good, don't they?
God bless, CC, I truly hope can carve out a peaceful existence that is separate from the turmoil that is your mother.
Rojo.
-
CC, there have been some wonderful thoughts shared here - I particularly like Rob's:
I feel almost as if i am observing a different species when Nmom is around. That mindframe seems to help me not to divulge to much to her - and not to be too excited by her button pushing tactics. Nmom is a kind of different human - I regard her like a golden retriever might regard a doberman pincher when they meet - extremely careful. Watching her every move - trying to understand how she operates to protect myself and my family.
Wow! Rob, that's a help to ME, too - thanks!
CC, what makes you think you shouldn't be called a hero just because you suffer when someone (esp your MOM) hurts you deliberately? IMHO, that just makes you human, and continuing your journey.
I still think you deserve to be an action hero - I'm sorry you're still suffering, and you WILL get thru this.
Your concern about your baby is so moving - I think your baby is protected by you, because you're doing your work...and will be just fine!
bobbie
-
Dear Friends,
Once again you have helped me work through this, and kept me on course when I needed it. Thanks to I am mine, bunny, rob, and rojo for helping me make that decision about hubby.
A couple of events have taken place since the other day. First, I went to drop off the strawberries on the front porch and left a note that said I "wasn't up" to going out with her tomorrow. Naturally, when I got home later that day there was a message to call my mother, she was worried, was I feeling sick from the pregnancy or was I still angry with her. I guess I was secretly hoping this would happen because I wanted a reason to test out my "I just don't want to be with you tomorrow" answer - although it turned into a lot more than that.
So when I called her she asked the same question. I said I just didn't want to go tomorrow. So she said "oh, you're still angry with me". I said it wasn't really a matter of anger, that I needed a break, and that after the attacks of the recent week she couldn't expect everything to just go back to "normal". I went on to say that things are different now, that I have a new outlook with respect to how she has treated me, in this incidence and in the past. I mentioned that not only had she attacked me but my immediate circle of loved ones as well... and that it was an eye-opener, the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. She was very quiet, and I felt comfortable filling the silence with how I felt, and asserting myself with many different ways of saying "this is it, I am done, this is no longer acceptable", etc. etc. (These were affirmations for me, not for her). Perhaps it was foolish on my part, but I actually felt like I had a voice with her for a few minutes... even if it wasn't real - even if it was her just being shocked - but she listened. It was the confrontation that I had once made in a journal but thought I would never have the courage for with her in person.
I went on to say that though I understood why she acted the way she did, but that it simply wasn't acceptable. That excuses of her being emotionally immature and old and lonely didn't give her a ticket for abuse. She was an adult now, and she was responsible for her actions, and her actions had consequences. I told her that when I was a child living under her roof that I was helpless and didn't have a choice. But that now I was an adult with my own life, and her involvement in my life is a CHOICE. That her sending angry letters to her children was the ultimate form of control, that she knew that when she sent them we couldn't respond right away, we were paralyzed, and she could poison us in any way she desired.
Against my better judgement, I did address some of the details of the letters. I told her that her assumptions were preposterous and that she was making bad out of innocent people. That only the mind of someone who is not right would suggest these things. I told her that I knew she had done the best she could, that sure, some parents could be considered worse but I only had one set, and had nothing to compare to, and that I know when something feels wrong and no longer have to live with it. I told her that it doesn't matter that she is my mother anymore, that as an adult, we are now just two human beings on this planet.. and that if she ever wishes to be included in my life, or the holidays with my family, that I demanded respect for myself and for them.
I imagine some of it was out of fear, and some was sincere.. but she agreed to everything. She kept saying in between how horrible she felt, and she didn't realize what a monster she came across as because when she is writing things down she is not necessarily meaning them, that they are exagerated (sp) because she is angry or trying to get some need met.
She said she didn't know what to say or do to make it right. She felt very badly - I told her she SHOULD! That you just can't treat people with disrespect and expect them to accept it. She said she was glad I expressed my anger to her, and that she really did want to be in my life, no matter what. She said she doesn't really mean the things she says about my husband and his family, she just is afraid of trusting people but she really did like them. I told her that she had a funny way of showing it, and that I didn't really believe her.
I know she responded the way she did out of desperation. Don't worry, I am not fooled. She said that she never wanted to do this to me or the other kids again. I said that she would, because that's who she is.. and that I just know how to protect myself now. She said I was right, that I don't have to accept it anymore.
I told her that she should just let it be and leave me alone for a while. That the damage had been done, but that for the first time in my life my eyes are wide open. I told her not to try and contact me, or try and overcompensate, because it would just backfire. I told her to let it lie. She asked me to call her when I was ready, and wondered if we would see each other for Christmas. I said that we would cross that bridge that this was too fresh.
Then, my husband came home. I began to tell him about what had happened. He said "I don't understand what all of this is about" which of course was a good segway (sp) for me to share the letters with him. I read them all, in order. He scrunched up his face and basically said, "there's something wrong with her.. she's showing signs of a paranoid." I told him why I was letting him in on all this info. That my therapist had suggested it, and that I had hidden this side of my mother from him in the past because I didn't want to hurt him and I was embarrassed. but he needed to know to remind me that she's not right when I get sucked in again. I told him I wanted him to know so that he didn't think I exaggerated the affect my mother has had on me in my life and that that's a large part of why I needed counseling as an adult.
I don't know if this was the right timing. My husband and I have our own business and he has been terribly stressed about money with the baby coming. He has been questioning whether he can continue being a business owner because of the stress. I think this new information upset him, because he has always liked my mother, and now he sees that she has said some mean things about him. He said that he definitely could see that there is another side of my mother now. He could see I was upset, and was saying "don't think about this anymore, it's not good for the baby". After I laid this all on him, though he was understanding and supportive, he was quiet for the rest of the night and seemed overwhelmed. He went to bed early with a headache. I feel like I dumped on him.
Guilt creeped in a little last night. I thought about "poor mother", who really, truly, doesn't understand why she is the way she is. and "poor mother", who feels terrible about herself now, not because she really realizes her actions, but because she feels like she has lost her Nsupply forever and is feeling desperate and out of control. "poor mother", who really, truly believes she did the best she could.
Anyway, I believe the worst is over. Everything is out for everyone now. I am hoping the dust will settle quickly for me emotionally so that I can get on with life. I will call my mother in a couple of weeks, and things will be different. I know now that after this I will have the strength to keep things superficial as many of you have suggested. I will just have to be careful because as time goes on its easy to slip into old behaviors.
Thanks again for tolerating my long posts. This is truly one of the best places I've ever been in my life. God Bless Richard.
-
CC:
Normally I just can't get through posts that are past a certain length(very, very long), so I never begin them. When I skimmed the length of yours, I thought surely, I wouldn't be able to read it.
For some reason, I started reading the first few lines, and I have no idea what happened, but what seemed like a mere 10 seconds later, I was surprised I had reached the bottom and I was left wanting for more!!
An amazing story that is so well told, and highlights very,very sick and abusive Nism thoughts and behaviors so, so well (the preg. conversation, the vile content of those letters). It is also such a shining example of holding to boundaries. You not only did that, but did it with dignity in the way you spoke your words. Firm & blunt as needed, but not raging and abusive back.
I'm so glad I read that. I congratulate you on a F A N T A ST I C job....
-
CC.
Your husband has to know about your mother. Otherwise behaviors of yours could be misinterpreted; now he knows it's about your mom, not about him or the baby. You did the right thing.
bunny
-
Well done you!!! Its great to see you standing upto her. I wish i could do the same. Your Mum does seem like she knows she is has a problem. My Mum however thinks she is ''hard done to'' and whenever i stand upto her she starts asking me why im being so horrible, why im making all these things up (though its somthing she done say five minutes back), then shes crying then thes having breathing difficulties and basically being sooooooo dramatic, cept im sucked in wishing id kept my Mouth shut. She will screech like shes having heart failure and believe me it sound like ive ripped her heart out, she puts down the phone, i have to ring back to make sure shes not dead from killing herself. Then ive been a mug!, i havent apologised or backed down but quietly agreed not to ''do it anymore'' cos she just cant stand it. The truth that is.
I know her game, but i also know I cannot stand to hear her so upset. Its so awful.
Ive noted your words and will definately be re-reading them, maybe I am just too agrressive towards her and need to be firm but kind. Thing is when you feel so angry you cant help it.
Good Luck
HUGS
MissT
-
CC:
ENCORE, ENCORE!! You are my hero!! I hope it's ok, but it gave me the giggles a bit...it sounded so much like my mother. SO RIDICULOUS!! You were so great!!!! I usually just stand there saying to myself, WTF just happened here???? :shock: !!!! I can't wait until I'm strong enough to stand up to my mother like that...it must've felt so good. You are a force!
Avery
-
Yeah, when I reread my earlier posts on one of the letters from mommie dearest I forgot to include a part about the French citizenship thing: She expressed such concern about my aunt suggesting that paperwork because you know, "shes a FOREIGNER" and compared my aunt's suggestion to some "Muslim fathers that have dual citizenship in the middle east steal their wives' babies and never to return to the states"....
How demented is that??? This is my extended FAMILY she's talking about!!! And is she insinuating that my husband is going to steal our own baby out of the country???? And we're talking EUROPE here! (Please, any middle easterners please take no offense to my ranting mothers crazy antics).
Thanks again for the support... the fight now is controlling my own behaviors, not hers. I am still struggling with telling her too much. This is going to take a long time to change.
-
OMG!!! She IS my mother!!!! Is it common for N's to be ignorant about race?? My mother is so hateful!!! She has some derogatory comment about everyone who is not a white american. drives me crazy!! :x
she's also given me the grief about my husband. hinting that he is not to be trusted. told me to get a secret savings account to hide money "for when he leaves you" and to make sure that my name is on everything so that i can take it from him. when i told her we were engaged, she told me i had no business getting married!! :shock: i actually considered not going through with it. your mother is supposed to be the one that would never tell you something that wasn't the best for you. i can't believe she made me doubt myself! i thank god everyday that i have such a wonderful husband and that she didn't ruin it for me.
i arranged the entire wedding around her vacation schedule - dumb- and then, cancelled at the last minute because she was too sick and too poor to go (it was in vegas.). i offered to pay her way, if she felt up to it. she declined. i called her the day that we left for vegas and she wasn't in. i called my granny to make sure that something hadn't happened to her. my granny told me that she was out of town... she'd gone to mississippi to go gambling!!! :evil: she was too "sick" to take a 3 hour plane ride, but perfectly fine to ride in a car for 13 hours! grrrrr. i'm sure she did it just because i did something against her wishes.
i was heartbroken and my husband was PISSED!! had to explain to everyone why my mother wasn't there, etc. i still had a wonderful wedding, thanks to my husband and my friends and my wonderful stepmother.
thanks to you and this board, i'm finally seeing how dumb i've been in letting her manipulating me. it's so much easier not to talk to her!
thanks for all your support...you're doing great!
avery
-
<Is it common for N's to be ignorant about race?? My mother is so hateful!!! She has some derogatory comment about everyone who is not a white american. drives me crazy!! >
yup, this is my experience: look for racism/ sexism/ homophobia/ anything-ism in NARCISSISM!
My friends N husband is so vehement about the Gay Bishops he gives himself away as the repressed homosexual others see in him.
My Npartner loves to illuminate others as to what women are really like, starting with 'acceptable' beliefs but quicklyy moving to how women need to be dominated.
The surface veneer, for polite society, is most illuminating: starts with a lecture about equal rights, ends in vitriolic condemnation of someone or some group.An N shows his or her true colours pretty fast after starting any in-depth discussion! Unfortunately few people see through it- and if they do, N always finds a reason to drop them pretty fast.