Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Bloopsy on September 17, 2005, 06:07:28 AM
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I am feeling afraid because I am turning thirty soon and just feeling scared and sad about it. I guess it is bringing out a lot of anger and grief because I realize that I suffered through and basically lost my youth, childhood, teens, and twenties. Also I realize that there is no two ways about it. The voices in my head tell me-- you had a good family and whatever and it is all your fault. I am having a hard time with that. I don't think I would have had to split apart into four peices if I had had a good family who was able to take care of me and I am sick and tired of feeling like i have to be endlessly greatful to my family. I don't know what to do. I just feel ashamed and angry and I want to try to help myself with not feeling so bad about turning thirty, but I don't think that I can help it, I can't lie to myself and say that I had any kind of childhood or adolescece or twenties that was not a total suffering most of the time. i always sort of felt like I wasn't really here so that was okay, or that if I was here that i was worthless and did not deserve to feel or be treated any better, or to have my own self or life anyway. Now i do and i am really really sad and mad. I don't want to take it out on myself even though I think I am dumb for wasting so much time, but then again I don't know if I could have done any better. I just don't feel equipped to be thirty and sad because it has been so long since I have had an alright experience if ever. I know that I am getting better but i feel like my life is a throwaway and that the only think that I am good for is to just sort of exist in like half a person way all for my family or something. That is a lie.but it is how I feel. I know I have to really help myself because I just don't feel up to going through another major depression at all. I just don't feel up to it at all. not at all. The first thing I want to do is just step back and stop talking/ deal with letting go of some relationships that I have. Also to let myself understand that no you didn't get a chance to have your youth and that that is horrible. Also not to talk about this to anyone where I might be invalidated, someone just saying that it is not a big deal. To me it IS a big deal to realize that the last three decades that is suppposed to be my youth or whatever has really been suffering over the way I was treated by my family and other abusers. And it makes me really mad that I feel like I don't even have a right to write this and that I shouldn't care and that who am I to care about my life or myself or anything and I should just pretend everything is okay or something the worse I fell I can't do that anymoreit's just too painful and it doesn't help. Thank you for listening sorry so depressing I just had to tell someone how I feel
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I am feeling afraid because I am turning thirty soon and just feeling scared and sad about it. I guess it is bringing out a lot of anger and grief because I realize that I suffered through and basically lost my youth, childhood, teens, and twenties.
Thank you for listening sorry so depressing I just had to tell someone how I feel
When is the party, Bloopsy? We can celebrate you turning 30 and me turning 45, both at the same time, if you like (couple of weeks time or so for me!!). And I can tell you how young and beautiful you are, and how you have your whole life ahead of you, and other old person's stuff like that, and you can say how well preserved I am, considering ... :lol: :lol:
It's only a number. 8)
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Thanks October. i would love to celebrate with you. I'm going a little nutso!!!! That helped to write that down though!!! Maybe we could listen to the same song or something at the same time that we pick out?
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Thanks October. i would love to celebrate with you. I'm going a little nutso!!!! That helped to write that down though!!! Maybe we could listen to the same song or something at the same time that we pick out?
Better than that, we could have a party here online. 8) Could do with a party!!!
Ok, we're going to need volunteers to bring food, and balloons, and we are going to need a few games organising. And we need to choose a date - you can do that, Bloopsy - any day you like.
I'll start making a cake .......
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Yes, Bloopsy, let's celebrate. This is going to be a great decade for you. So much of what you've already written here clearly indicates you are headed in the right direction (towards recovery). But like they say, it is a painful process. Don't be afraid. We oldies like October and myself made it through the thirties, you will too and be stronger for it. Btw, I didn't have half the sense that you do at thirty.
You have a right to feel what you do, ANGeR. It is justified. You have a right to talk about it and be validated. Talk about it here, with your therapist, wherever you can find an empathic ear to just listen and validate. Sounds to me you are right where you need to be Bloopsy. This is called the process. What you have been doing , wasn't working for you so it sounds and quite naturally your instincts are now telling you it's time to try something different.
You do what you have to do to recover Bloopsy. That may mean speaking out or acting out as some have called it. I call it vomitting. You may have to cut contact with some, people you may actually love on a deep level. But you have to take care of yourself and love yourself first. It's absolutely necessary.
We are here for you Bloopsy. I can't wait for the party!!
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I understand you because I will be turning 30 in December and have had my youth stolen from as well. I didn't enjoy anything during my 20's, with the only exception of finding my soul mate, but then both our N families had to ruin that too for us. I'll tell you how I will cope, I will embrace it because I feel young at heart and thats something they can NEVER take from me, I still look young for 29, I am more mature and love that aspect of growing older and I just keep reminding myself of a whole future ahead of me. Yes my early years were tainted with abuse and heartache but my future will bring me fulfillment as I am sure yours will too. Celebrate!
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I am so proud and happy to celebrate my birthday with you guys. It is on April firsrt so I have a lot of time to prepare.I want to prepare for it because I know how bad I fall apart when I don't prepare for something that is a big deal to me, or act like it is not a big deal but secretly want to acknowledge it. It is really nice to have a birthday party with people that I can trust and that I know are on my side. That is the best thing I could have ever hoped for in the world, and not to have to pretend on a birthday like I did with my family. Thank you for being so understanding. I felt like I came home today to a homey understanding warmth. October I wanted to say thank you because I was starting to make myself feel bad and fall apart for something and then I heard a voice in my head that was like yours saying, oh come on . That was really nice. Love,
Bloopsy
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Can this belated birthday girl join the celebration too :shock: I turned 30 this past June. I can relate to you in many ways, including the thought of turning 30. It is a monumental number. Kinda like a milestone. A time in your life when it beckons you to take a serious inventory on how you got to where you are and where you want to go for the next 30 years. I felt scared and sad at the same time.
I'm glad you posted. I can identify a lot of what you wrote. Just remember, Bloopsy, even though you have felt or maybe still feel you don't matter much based on family history, the truth is, you matter so very much! That is the truth. And the truth will set you free if you seek it and hold on to it. It is ashame that your family couldn't see how special you are and how much you matter. Too bad for them!
Can I make a suggestion to you, based on my own experience? Please, don't undermine the negative feelings you have deep down in your heart, even though they are feelings you don't want to have anymore. Validate them, analyze them, and seek the truth of those deep-seeded feelings. I believe you will know what to do with them after it they are address. They got there somehow. Perhaps, they took hold of you b/c you haven't taken hold of them and confronted them with supporting evidences on the contrary. I like to compare it to a real life trial. The side with the most supporting evidence wins the case, even though it may not be base on truth. The side that is most convincing wins. Sorry, if i don't sound very clear. Sometimes, I just don't know how my message gets across to people.
Anyway, I hope the next thirty years of your life will be nothing like the first thirty years. As long as you let truth and self-honesty lead the way, I think you will be liberated. 8) And inner freedom is the best feeling in the world. It's still a daily battle for me.
Butterfly
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I'm going to turn 19 in February, and I don't even feel like I'm ready for that.
I do, however, wish you the best of luck. From the sound of it, you've got the sense to sort as much of yourself as you can out before you put down another decade. My suggestion would be to make at least one resolution for the next year (which is really only 32,850,000 seconds, not so bad). For some reason, it makes them more important if you decide on them on an important day like your birthday. One is usually all I can handle.
Even though I'm 18 and you're 29, we've both got too many seconds ahead of us to count. The ones behind were just practice, now you can face difficulty with the knowledge that you've done it before and come out alive.
Of course, you probably shouldn't take what I say too seriously. I'm just a kid, years still seem like lifetimes to me. I'm sure you're much better equipped than I am to handle a number like 30.
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I am so proud and happy to celebrate my birthday with you guys. It is on April firsrt so I have a lot of time to prepare.
Bloopsy
April 1st is ages away!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: You have to celebrate your 29 and a half birthday before then, which co-incidentally will be on my actual 45th, October 1. So we can have a practice run then, and a few drinkies, and then the real thing in April. How does that sound???????
Something that you could do, Bloopsy, is something my t recommended to me. Keep a record of nice things that people say, in a book, and then you can refer to them and try to overwrite some of the less positive thoughts and feelings with them. Just a thought. I wish I could buy such a book for you as a 29 and a half present and send it, wrapped in silvery paper with a big bow!!! And a posh pen, to go with it. :)
The other good thing about online parties is that we can hold them wherever we like. So, what do you fancy, tropical beach at sunset; round the world cruise; mountain range covered in snow?? The world is yours!!
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Of course, you probably shouldn't take what I say too seriously. I'm just a kid, years still seem like lifetimes to me. I'm sure you're much better equipped than I am to handle a number like 30.
The only thing that changes as you get older is the number, and the expectations of those around you. Inside the feelings are pretty well the same all the way along the line. Well, so far anyway, and I will let you know.
Just call me Methuselah. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Even though most of you are young enough to be my children (except you, October--a much younger sister 8)) I would like to celebrate a belated 55th birthday, which happened in July. I envy all of you who have started your journeys to healing at much younger ages. However, I feel I have reached one of the best points of my life right now and can be very appreciative of the knowledge and awareness I have gained over the last two years of therapy and recovery.
I could be regretful of not having done it sooner, but I believe that God sends us on a journey and things happen when they should. I'm not sure that I would have done the work necessary to heal myself at an earlier age, nor have fell as grateful as I do today for the peace and happiness I have found in my life.
I think a party would be a lovely idea and I'm willing to start cooking at any time.
Blessings,
Brigid
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yay!!!!
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HI Bloopsy, I had trouble with turning 30 and I never thought I would. Like you, I was NOT anywhere close to where I wanted to be at that point in my life. It really knocked me for a loop. I'm not sure that 8 years down the road I am much farther to where I thought I "should" be, but I enjoy life a whole lot more these days. :mrgreen: One thing that I wish I had known back then was that I have total power to pick my "family of choice." I'm not a kid anymore. I can pick all the people in my life. I can choose every single friend, confidants (like here), buddies, and even sometimes even blood family :shock: to spend time with and talk with.
And Bloopsy, you wouldn't even be here if you had a decent family and childhood. Glad you are here! :D Sorry for the stuff that brought you here. :( :evil:
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thank you I'm sorry for what brought you here too. Reading what you guys are saying make it seem like turning thirty can be like a hard accomplishment in a good sort of way thoug---- I'm really glad I made it here.
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Those of us who grew up dysfinctional, there are just certain ceremonies that we will not have, and that we will never know whether they are genuine for anyone else. Holidays, birthdays, weddings......tend to be more of a nightmare or a celebration of the family illness rather than a wonderful lovefest.
I don't know how these are treated in healthy families. I only know what I see in my family and in the movies. I tend not to believe the movies.
So my approach is just that I have to create my own reality. I can decide to make birthdays really important and try to somehow implement that. Or I can decide not to do that and let them slip by almost unnoticed. My plan is plan B.
Bloopsy, I understand your mourning for your lost childhood and teenagerhood and young adulthood. I feel the same, even though it was a long time ago. It is fine to mourn. Don't get too into it. There is nothing you can do about that, but you can do, and are doing, a lot about the future. It's not fair. It wasn't right. But we will move on.
I am having a wonderful childhood wth my own children. And I anticipate reliving being a teen without the doubts and physical blips. I have so much more control than I had over my own childhood! I can make it magical!
Plucky