Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: miaxo on September 28, 2005, 10:39:44 PM
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I haven't posted in a while. I am feeling quite depressed and I am not liking the fact that I am wishing that XN would drop dead. Not that I would have a problem with him being dead but I feel like God would punish me and the kids b/c lately I have been obsessing of what life would be like if I no longer had to deal with a$$hole.
I rarely...I mean rarely get on the phone with him but today I did regarding insurance coverage for the kids. Of course the phone conversation turned into a vicious N rant. He said the most infuriating things and I let him get to me. I was shaking liike a leaf and had the most difficult time trying to calm myself down after the phone call.
He's up to his old tricks again. Constantly threatening me to take me to court. Keeps saying inappropriate things to the children during visits.
Calling me all kinds of profanities. Just tonight he called me a f'in biotch and my husband a jackarse.
Last week he told my son who is playing football now that he was going to die during practice. My son has been playing for eight weeks now and has been doing so well. Since X N made the comments, my son is now preoccupied with thoughts that he is going to die. Basically X N doesn't like the inconvenience of taking son to practices during his visitation time. He also tells the children that they are not to speak of me or my husband when they are around him. The children's therapist met with xN and told him to stop this behavior as it was harming the children. Does he stop? Of course not. He is doing it more b/c someone told him not to do it.
Thanks to those folks who hung in there for my vent.
All positive thoughts, words of wisdom, prayers are always welcome.
Mia
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You must feel like you are constantly trying to put out brush fires with a small cup of water.
Yep, some folks are just black dog evil. You XN is one of them.
Take is easy --David P
How is you new H holding up through all of these fire fights?
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Mia!
The children's therapist met with xN and told him to stop this behavior as it was harming the children. Does he stop? Of course not. He is doing it more b/c someone told him not to do it.
Right away, my first thought..........good!! As hard as it is on the kids and you right now, he is digging his own grave! The therapist was court ordered, if I recall correctly, so I hope the court would like to hear back from the therapist. Be sure the therapist is made aware of the effects of each and every inappropriate comment your Ex makes to the kids (eg. son preoccupied with dying now, etc) and ask her if she is considering including this incident and others like it in her report? This dork is giving you the amunition you need to kill his chances of ever gaining custody. I'm sorry this is so hard Mia.
Obscene name calling directly to a person's face is such an N trait eh? I wonder if the next time you could try to say: "That's profane. Is your vocabulary that small? Poor moppet." and keep as calm sounding as humanly possible or better maybe: "Your obscene language is getting you no where. Grow up."
It's your fuse he's trying to light, I bet. He gets a kick out of riling you up. If you don't give him what he wants, it might confuse the heck out of him and he may give up. If you can possibly think of him as a spoiled, rude, unruly child....and treat him as the tiny wee brat that he is....he will get tired of yanking your pigtails for no good response. Maybe? At least, it's kind of satisfying to think of him this way eh and try for that outcome?
(((((((((((Mia)))))))))))
My mother always told me: "Never wish anyone dead because the wrong person will die".
Besides, better to wish him to turn into the most loving, cooperative, considerate, kind, fair, gentle, sensible, generous, polite, patient father that ever walked the face of the earth.......better for your kids to have such a dad.......and just about as much chance of that wish coming true.
Hey! What if next time you need to discuss something important like insurance......you write it down, give it to him in writing and ask for a written reply? At least if he refuses, you have more paper to show his uncooperativeness. Just keep sending him notes.
"Did you read my note about insurance? Please respond."
"Still waiting for your response re insurance?"
"Are you able to let me know about the insurance yet?"
Nice, polite, calm requests. That way, you might at least avoid these horrible outbursts of his and your response to them. Maybe even say to him the next time he has one of these fits:
"I'm tired of your childish immature ranting. From now on, I'll be communicating with you in wriitng. Have a nice evening."
And end the conversation. I don't know Mia. Maybe none of this is any help. Just know that I feel for you and wish you good thoughts and positive energy. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Sela
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Mia,
As always, I'm so sorry for what the a$$hole is doing to you and the kids. Apparently he hasn't found that cliff to drive off of yet. :lol:
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I am fortunate to have not had this situation. Please know that I keep you and the kids in my prayers and I hope he just keeps digging his own grave and will eventually fall in.
(((((((Mia))))))))))
Brigid
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miaxo ,
Hi I know it feels icky to be wishing someone dead but please don't blame yourself for it or let it make you feel even worse--- how could you help wishing someone dead who is hurting you and your kids so much and won't stop? Love Bloopsy Rose
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How is you new H holding up through all of these fire fights?
My husband is used to it. He knows that X is a N and not a good parent. He told X to just be a man and a decent Father to his kids. As you can imagine that didn't go over too well.
Sela,
X also wrote an email and stated that if I don't help him get the kids to activities during his parenting time that he won't take the kids and when the children ask why they can't play their sports he will tell them "You can't play b/c your Mother won't take you and it is her fault".
He also was a NO SHOW/No CALL on daughter's b-day and when it was brought to his attention he wrote, "It's your fault that I missed her B-DAY b/c you didn't remind me".
I know he is digging his own grave. It's the day in and day out negativity that is getting to me. He sent me another email today threatening court once again...blah blah blah. In the past five months he has made approximately 40 threats of legal action...always trying to intimidate and use the court as his own personal weapon. Thing is he has never "won" in court .....you think he would be afraid of court....I know I am and thus far it has pretty much always been in my favor...his motions are shot down. <Mia knocking on wood like crazy right now>
I try to turn my thoughts away from wishing him dead b/c I do fear that someone I love dearly or myself will be the one to die. It's basically thoughts like..."Wow, he's really gaining weight at a rapid pace maybe his blood pressure will shoot through the roof and he'll drop dead of a stroke or heart attack." terrible I know.
As far as the insurance goes I was addressing in emails. He wasn't responding and six months had elapsed. I decided to phone him and ended up leaving a very sane matter of fact message on his machine. Later the phone rings and it is N. The conversation goes as follows:
Me: Hello
N: (shouting at the top of his lungs) DONT' YOU DARE TO EVER LEAVE MESSAGES ON MACHINE LIKE THIS AGAIN!!! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!!
ME: Are you talking about my message about insurance? (Not understanding why he was reacting like I left a foul message)
N: I have no responsibility for the insurance (all of this screaming and ranting and yes, he is court ordered to have coverage and it is ordered that I be able to communicate with the insurance carrier.....which isn't happening) He then went on to cuss at me.
Me: Please control your anger.
N: You are fired as the children's Mom.
Me: Ok, Donald Trump
N: F*ck you. You are a f'in biotch and your H is a jackarse
Me: You are a Narcissist and there is no dealing with you. (first time i said this to him). go look it up on the internet and read about yourself. You are pathetic and have no conscience. (I Know i probably shouldn't have said this but I was at the end of my rope)
N: More ranting and raving and screaming and cussing and blaming.
Me: Hung up. (shaking like a leaf)
You are so right, Sela I let him get the better of me. He won by engaging me like that yesterday. I regret that I stayed on the phone with him. It is best that I don't react to him like that and rather just be proactive in all my dealings with him.
Thanks Brigid and Bloopsy. I know you both have been through your own personal wars with nasty N's. blessings.
Mia
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Hi mia,
You don't have to worry about God.
The one who has something to fear from God is your ex. If he doesn't ask for your forgiveness, you can sure as shootin bet he ain't asking for God's. Lets face it, to your ex the Supreme Being is just one more incompetent doofus he has to put up with.
I think we went over this before, but if you really can't take anymore of this jerk, about the only way to modify his behavior is with an intentional infliction of emotional distress lawsuit.
With his paper trail and if you have been keeping contemporaneous notes and with the T's comments to him, either he will be forced to shut up and behave or he will continue his behavior and handily place his neck in a noose for you. It ain't cheap and it ain't fun but how much is his present behavior costing you? Perhaps a letter from your attorney to his warning him that this will occur if he doesn't shape up would do the trick, but not likely.
I know you're concerned about your kids, but they're already being abused.
You probably know him better than anyone on earth. If his little world were truly threatened with exposure and he was faced with actually paying for his behavior do you think he would escalate or back off? Almost all these people play the brinksmanship game. Esacalate and threaten but when it comes to going all the way and playing for all the marbles they chicken out. And if they don't, by the time they do go all the way they have done so much overt bullying and lying their goose is cooked.
They thrive on low intensity guerrilla warfare. I guess you have to decide whether it would be worth a nuclear first strike to get rid of your gorilla.
To me its a lot more tolerable to be riding a 10 megaton bomb heading for my enemy, whoopin' it up like Slim Pickens in Doctor Strangelove, than it is to sit back, weaponless, being constantly shot at and wounded from the bushes by someone with nothing on the line.
mudpup
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Hello all,
Mudpup, you're on a roll today! I love your humor. :D
Hi Mia, it sounds like you are more upset in principle that he got to you than about what he or you said. And perhaps you're shook because you told him the truth about him (Nism) and what kind of allergic reaction he's going to have about that. You know, you're just human. I don't know if he is, but you sure are.
As I read your post, I imagined myself holding the phone away from my ear with his noise coming out like a cartoon. What a jerk. Your H must appreciate looking like a positive angel. 8) Well, you took a hit today. So just take it easy and pull out the snake bite kit.
Hang in there, kiddo. Hugs, MP
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Mud,
My husband and older brother have been telling me to do what you are saying. The time has come for an all out war on him. No mercy at this point.
I can't help but fear that it will backfire on me. I know I have all the evidence to back my case but I still worry. I keep going back and forth with...Do I wait for him to file something and then I BLAST him? or Do I take the iniative and file first? I think part of my hesitation is that I learned recently that the Judge who was on my case is no longer in Family Court and she was favorable to me. I worry about how a new Judge may view the case....I worry that a new judge may be fooled by him. I would be more confident to file if that Judge was still in Family Court.
A few months back I hired a PI who is still working on the case. I have a few more things that I want him to look into b/f I would file anything and I don't know how long it will take the PI to complete what I have requested.
I know God wants to see me help myself and stop the complaining and do something. I am working up the strength. Sometimes I feel beaten down and I need to overcome that feeling or I will have no one to blame but myself.
Thanks for the feeback.
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thanks miss piggy.
I have the snake bite kit in hand. :wink:
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Mia,
First of all you can't go into something like this in a piecemeal fashion. You have to drop every legitimate bomb you have. That means you're not going to be only in family court. You're going to be in ordinary civil court also. And you should never take a case like this to a judge. With a vindictive evil man versus a sweet, frail woman (try to look frail) with two small children, you want your fate resting in the hands of a jury, not one judge who may have his own agenda.
Do you trust your attorney to be able to demonstrate to a jury what your ex has done?
Is your ex able to control his behavior in court or is your lawyer able to draw him out and manipulate him into showing his true self?
People often think filing first makes you look bad. Not to normal people. It makes you look like the aggrieved party, especially if you can demonstrate years of forebearance of his abuse prior to filing.
If you have a good lawyer and a jury the judge is less important. Your lawyer should have a sense of who the unsympathetic judges in your area might be and typically you are allowed to challenge a judge prior to trial, as long as its done in a timely manner.
The most important thing is to make it clear to him his lifestyle and facade are at issue, not his control of your kids or you. As long as these Ns are arguing over other people they are quite content to fight forever. They always maneuver it so they're on offense and others are on defense. That's because their behavior is indefensible. When the issue becomes how much of his income and assets, and most importantly, the mask of competence and superiority that he believes he has built up, is going to be ripped away, then you know he is going to be climbing the walls. But that is your great advantage. As ridiculous as it seems to us they really think they are fooling people with their goofy shenanigans. They really think they are charming judges and juries, even while the jurors are looking at each other thinking "how did this guy get to be this age without receiving a lethal gunshot?"
You really need to measure this guy. Not all Ns fall apart under pressure. But yours sounds like the perfect kind to be cross examined and raked over the coals to let the inner snake out.
Don't take too many lessons from family court to this kind of tria eitherl. In this kind of a thing you are allowed and in fact encouraged to show the jury every boil and scab on this goofs hide. And when they see them they will want to punish him. That is why they are called punitive damages. Or exemplary damages, in order to make an example of him.
Make no mistake, this is a high stakes and expensive thing to do and it will take years to complete and there are absolutely no guarantees you won't waste a bunch of money and get nothing.
The question is whether its better to tolerate what he is doing to you now with no real way to get rid of him or whether its worth the risk to so hurt him he backs off. If you have a realistic expectation of somehow limiting his contact with your kids and moving away from him, that would no doubt be much easier. But if you're realistically looking at years and years of the same or worse of what you're getting right now, it is certainly worth considering asking some of your peers to make him compensate you for the pain and torment he has inflicted on you and your family.
It partly depends on your personality too. If you're going to be overwhelmed and depressed by having to fight even more than you are now then you better find a different course. But if you're the kind of person who turns into a whirling dervish when you finally get the chance to land a few punches after years of being pushed around thats another kettle of fish.
Depends on your hubby's personality too. Sounds like he is ready to go after him.
One last bit of advice, if you do go after him you or hubby have to stay on top of everything your lawyer does. I don't care how good they are, lawyers never know a case or an opponent a tenth as good as their clients. And if you don't watch every thing they do, invariably they will do some really stupid things, but they'll still expect to be paid for them. :x
Good luck.
mud
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Wishing someone dead does not kill people. It is a form of release; an escape fantasy, like imagining yourself on holiday. It is a normal response to stress, and does not make you a bad person.
Children sometimes do this, and then the person dies, and the child believes that they actually contributed to the death. (This is true of me and my maternal grandmother, who died when I was 8.) The truth is that people die when it is their time, and wishing it does not make it happen. God is not that unkind.
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Mud,
you gave me alot to ponder. I may PM you later with some questions.
Thank you for such a well thought out response and for taking the time to type all that.
As always, it is much appreciated.
BTW, I just read it over the phone to my husband (he's out of town right now). His response: Start typing a letter to the attorney to see if we can do something like this.
Mia
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Mia,
Believe you me, I wish I knew far less about court.
One other caveat as well, each state's courts function differently. You might need to use a different cause of action or different standards of evidence than I am used to.
Only your hairdresser knows for sure, and maybe your lawyer. :P
Hope you can wash that infant right out of your hair.
mud
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One other caveat as well, each state's courts function differently. You might need to use a different cause of action or different standards of evidence than I am used to.
That's what my husband seems to think. I'll check into it.
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Mia, I boy do I feel your pain. Im going through the struggle protecting my 12yr old from her N father.
Below is a web site I believe another poster (bunny) gave for information about N's in court and what to expect.
I printed the 4 pages for the court mediators to read. I wanted an expert opinion about how N' lie and will try and fool the courts.
I did e-mail Mr. Eddy and he sent me a reply back. I added his email and highlited stuff about the N. It was free and I felt I had someone else say N' lie. Mr Eddy gives siminars to the courts judges about PD.
I added some court rules regaring charges the court can apply if lying is taking place this is from a web site Mud directed me to.
I have in total about 50 pages or more putting everything I could think of to get the court to understand why I should have custody of our 12 yr old.
Telling your EX he is an N is a good thing. I know communication is difficult and I get the same response from my H.
He e-mails only. The emails are terrible too but better than hearing his voice. I get shaky even when I see his emails
He stopped with the emails to me, he learned the court had copies of many of his rude comments.
I say blast him with all you have, don't feel sorry for him the N will not give up until he has it his way.
Good luck .................OR
http://www.eddylaw.com/index.htm#vol1_no1
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My ex-husband used to send me absolutely poisonous e-mails that were very difficult to recover from. I told him that I would block his e-mail if they continued. I guess he didn't believe me because they did. So, I blocked them. That really helped. I didn't have to worry, every time I opened up my e-mail, that there might be something from him attacking me again. He didn't block my e-mails, so I can still e-mail him if I absolutely have to tell him something about the kids or a scheduling issue. Otherwise I make a quick short phone call or send him something in the mail. If he gets the least bit abusive on the phone, I hang up on him. I have zero tolerance anymore.
I don't know if blocking your ex's e-mails would be an option for you or if you think it's better to get them for evidence to use in court. Someone suggested that to me, too, that they would be valuable in court, but I just couldn't take them emotionally so had to put a stop to it. I figure I have enough evidence by now if we ever end up back in court again. Plus, when he knew he had the ability to torment me this way, it seemed to escalate things.
Gail
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oh, Mia. Please know I'm right there with you.
Your ex IS an idiot and you might consider telling him to "GO FOR IT, SPARKY!!!"
A judge would most likely hang him by his toenails for that crap (hey you may get your wish afterall!). Let him open Pandora's box!
Listen, Mia, I know that horrible FEAR that just jumps down your throat when you talk to him, or see his name in your email list.... But that pain comes from years of his negative programming. He is counting on this. And although he doesn't sound like he knows a whole lot else, he does know he can get you going. Start welcoming those phone calls and email (psychologically). Then you can PRACTICE: hanging up on him as soon as he raises his voice (trust me, you will feel good), forwarding his emails to your attorney and then smile and walk away...hug your kids, etc. Better yet, never call him on the phone. Let your lawyer get angry for you. All that money he/she makes should at least do that for you.
I know what scares you...it's the same thing that scares me...that he will harm your kids. The thing is, though, that he is so screwed up, he's not consious of that . These guys think that THEY scare us, just because we are personally under their "power."
He can only hurt you MORE by hurting your children more......which is why I agree with Mudpup. Only I would go for sole custody, not just the harrassment issue.
He is truly unstable and a bad parent. You have never lost in court. Don't worry about another judge (although some are idiots, I know that personally). The judges DO like to back each other up....even if your sympathetic one is no longer on the docket...a new judge will not be starting at square one, and this is osmething your attorney will need to make sure of.
Oh, and as far as wishing he was dead? I will admit to the exact same thinking and wishing, only I KNOW mine will kill himself through anger and hatred. rage and alchohol and risky behavoir. Just pray the kids aren't around for it. And with my luck, it will be long after they are both 18 (uggh).
And if I really get philosophic, he is dead already.....as I could hardly call how he is living "life" in any way, shape, or form. The kids are the only thing true in his phony existance...which is why he "wants" to control them so bad.
Like I said before, our exes are the same guy (only, sorry, yours is crazier right now). PM me if you want: I have some great ways to stop being scared.....
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OR,
Thanks. Is your X diagnosed a N? You don't have to worry about me feeling sorry for him. Used to but that is no longer possible.
Gail,
I did block his emails for several months b/c I couldn't take it anymore. However, he began sending certified mailing after certified mailing. If I was home I would jump everytime the doorbell rang thinking I had to sign for another letter or every time I returned home I would find a card in the mail from the postman that they attempted to deliver one of N's mailings. I have only recently opened the email to him. Even though it stresses me I am learning that the more he writes the stronger my position for sole custody becomes. In the meantime...as you know....is pure hell.
October,
I see your point.
Hi Mum,
Your ex IS an idiot and you might consider telling him to "GO FOR IT, SPARKY!!!"
:lol:
And if I really get philosophic, he is dead already.....as I could hardly call how he is living "life" in any way, shape, or form. The kids are the only thing true in his phony existance...which is why he "wants" to control them so bad.
YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!
I think this weekend while the kids are with thier N (unfortunately for them) I will start to prepare a letter for my attorney. We need to make the first move this time. It really sucks that I can't even enjoy weekend time b/c I'm always fighting this monster. The time and energy I have to exert even gets me more angry at times. I'll channel that anger in a positive fashion to beat his arse.
Ok, let me fantasize a moment here to get me on the right track and to release some of my pent up frustrations. Right now I'm thinking how sweet it would be if someone beat the crap out of X N. Like Mud said...How is that these folks haven't been shot yet for all the insanity they pull. X N is long overdue to have someone kick his arse. ANd I would so LOVE to be the person to do it. No mercy since he shows no mercy for ANYONE.
Mia