Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Bloopsy on October 11, 2005, 05:05:50 PM
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I just called the police to come to my house and I will make a report because yesterday i was molested by my chiropractor, and am sort of greatful that my body woke up and I could feel what he was doing. i am not all for jail for anyone but at the same time i needed to do this for myself mostly to say that I am not just a piece of trash to be used and abused who is too nice (yeah right) to tell anyone and too dumb(yeah right) to know or care. I feel very wierd and depressed and kind of sick and hopeless and angry and feel very icky and horrible . I have a cold feeling inside of me but I know that it happened and the way that I handled it was to go to my home group of AA and tell what had happened because I know that I will go into denial and I wanted to feel safe that other people knew. I am worried and confused because I go tthat same feeling that I got when I shut down at thirteen of losing my identity.
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Bloopsy- Oh my God!!! How horrific! I'm glad you made 2 good decisions- no, 3. You are filing a police report and hopefully you can press charges, you had the courage to go to your AA grp. and share this, where you felt safe, and you have shared your pain here. Do you have anyone in your life who you can trust and feel safe with to talk to about this? Is there a rape hotline or crisis line where you live? One good thing with those is you remain anonymous and can express your pain and anger and get support. You did nothing to deserve this. That Dr. is sick and a predator. He can be reported to the college of physicians and surgeons- or whatever the licensing body for docs is in your area. Your family doctor may be able to help you with this. I too was raped by my dentist 2 yrs ago. I don't think you can go through trauma like your experience without getting some level of post traumatic stress disorder. Esp. if you come from a background of abuse or have been molested/raped in past. Please take care of yourself. I don't know how you feel about therapy/counselling- or is it's available/affordable where you live, but it may be good to pursue some short term therapy to deal with this. Please keep posting and my prayers and thoughts are with you. Hugs Moira
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I am worried and confused because I go tthat same feeling that I got when I shut down at thirteen of losing my identity.
That's not going to happen, Bloopsy. You will be ok. You are not in that place anymore. Your uncomfortable feelings are totally normal under the circumstances, you know that, right?
Please don't be scared anymore. You are powerful. It's ok to express that.
(((((((((Bloopsy)))))))))))))
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THank you (moira))and (mum))))))for validating how I feel and for encouraging me to get help and be strong. I am so sorry (Moira))) for what happened to you with your dentist. I admit to feeling very wierd because I jsut stopped seeing my abusive therapist and now come to realize that this chiropractor was also abusing me as well. It is a lot for me to handle. From reading this board and then asking my therapist strategic questions I have come to realiize that she is a flaming n. Dr Seigel was one of the only people that I thought was sort of kind and reliable. I have one friend in Wyoming that I can talk to about this, the other friends that I have abandoned me or I can tell that they would not be comfortable to talk about a ny feelings or anything at all. That is why I feel so horrible and awful especially because after I told my mother i could tell she tried really hard to seem outraged and whatever but she couldn't and that was hard for me I guess things have just always been too much for her and to tell you the truth her boyfriend is very scorning to her which in my opinion is abuse so in my opinion and I think in reality she is and abused woman and probably has to be in quite a big lot of denial herself/ because he wwould alwayx say really mnean things to her and I would be like mommy doesn't that hurt your feelings and she would be like :" oh no I have such a thick skin" well she has needed it.. I feel bad for her because her best friend is paralysed now in a wheelchair and I have been not so nice to her what with my therapist telling me that she wanted me dead and maybe she did but at the same time i hate it when i am anything but nice to my mom even though she has hurt me she is a wonderful person and hurt herself and i think that my therapist was really wrong to tell me that I knew how my mom felt now whaen one time I felt like i wanted to kill my inner children, i think maybe my mom did get to that point but at the same time I wish that my therapist had jsut shut her big fat flaming n mouth and shut her face and just left me well enough alone because I know my mom couldn't handle me and that is that but at least she was not maliciously cruel and sadistic like my therapist who left me open to abuse the whole time because she would talk to my inner children and then have me leave the session sometims in the state of a three year old, and no wonder I couldn't tell my chiropractor was abusing me my little Bee has had to be abused all the time in her childhood so she had to shut down and that therapist should not have talked to her in a session and then let us leave, saying " BYE BEE".Thank you for listenign this is tirae against professionals day. Love, Bloopsy Rose.thing early on I told her that I didn't think i should go to him manymorebecause he would hurt me and she said that athat was my inner parent voices not wanting me to get help. whatev. .
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(((((Bloopsy))))) uggh, you poor thing. You just need a break, huh? Sometimes we have to make our own breaks, though...sounds like you are. I saw the word "whatever" creep in and sometimes, well, it just sums things up after a while. Trying to explain things, trying to process a bunch of garbage someone once sold you (like your nutball therapist)....you just have to say "whatever" and move along. I would like to hit your ex therapist for allowing you to leave the sessions in a regressed state.
And I am a pacifist! Yet I could feel ok about taking a swing her way!!! JEEEEEZ LOUISE!
Bloopsy, you are still doing so well. The thing about healing, I have found, is that the painful stuff doesn't just stop happening or anything (I wish) but we are able to process it so much better.
Now if I could just remember that when I am raving mad at my teenagers......(boy do they ever bring up the painful stuff!!!)
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Thanks mum!!!!! It is nice to think to myself "mum wants to hit her!!!!!!!!!!!" I am a pacifist too but still sometimes want to punch people. I really agree about that just because you are healing doesn't mean that the abuse will necessarily stop!!! It is just more visible. I know you have been through a lot too and i hope you are doing good---- it's true sometimes you just have to say a big whatever huh I guess!!Not to say it doesn't matter but to just say oh my this is just too much these people are too much and whatev to that. :shock:
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i was wondering if any of you guys felt like your mom didn't care about you? i am afraid that my therapist tried to turn me agianst my mom by telling me that what was wrong with me was that i felt like i had to die for my mom, which has made me( well not made me, but I felt very scared that if she "took me over" or if I tried to forgive her, that i would be hurt, like my therapist told me. I know that it is still my responsibility but I was driven really nuts by going to my therapist and being told that my mom ahd wanted me dead and that ther was this inner deal between me and my mom where she wanted me dead and I took that in a nd wanted myself dead and then i would go haome and see my mom and freak out. I am tryign not to blame myself because an punish myself. i think that she is a good mom it is just that i am a very difficult daughter, well she has had a difficult time with me. I feel really bad for my mom and I have not treated her nice and I am not right for being mean to my mom. Maybe one day we can have a better relationship but right now i think that it is best for both of us to just keep our distance maybe what wed call in Alanon loving detatchment or something i do not know. I told my mom that she was acting like she did not care about me and she started to cry. i feel so bad about that and will never say it again . . I don't know what my problem is i guess I am always reading these things about confronting your parents or whatever and that that is supposed to be a good thing but it has ruined my relationship with my mom just like my therapist wanted, I can tell that she does not trust me anymore and who could blame her not me. I am glad that she does not trust me anyore because I was not nice to her and she should not have to trust people who were not nice to her. I will just have to take myself and make sure not to do any more wierd confrontations about whatever my stupid therapist told me went on with my mom or even something that really happened thta is not fair to my mom .
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Just a word of encouragement. My chiropractor did not physically assault me in anyway, but he did go after me asking for painkillers. It took awhile, but eventually I did contact the chiropractic board complaint line. My concern was that I had given him some of my painkillers, and I could have charges pressed against me for handing them out. The Chiropractic Board will work with. They contacted our District Attorney, who stated I would not be charged.
Eventually, this chiropractor was found to have a problem. He had to go to in-patient treatment for 6 months - and then was put on a 5 year probation. Has to be tested for drugs quite often - and have meetings with an appointed mentor.
While I felt bad about doing it - and was made that i was taken advantage of, I do have a sense of pride in turning him in. I also hope that further on down the line in his life, he will realize that by turning him in - and by him having this crisis, that it was a wake-up call for his own life. Something needed to change.
I am now going to a different chiropractor who is clearly aware of the situation I came from.
Now I say to you: Good for you! Have pride in yourself - and make that doctor step up to his own consequences.
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Hi Bloopsy! Glad you're still here and really getting alot of your issues and struggles out ! Healthy sign. My N mother alternated between saccharine intrusive involvement( lived vicariously through her children as she had no life) and abuse. Both verbal and physical- although she was a petite woman, not very strong, and as of age 12 I made it clear to her that I was stronger and not going to stand for it anymore. She used to tell me I was stupid, handicapped, would never be able to finish school( high school), get a job or have any kind of a life. She said I would have to live at home the rest of my life with my parents and some kind of trust fund would have to be set up when they died. I'm left handed and dyslexic, but was a straight A student all through high school, graduated with scholar status, graduated both university and several college courses- incl my nursing. Obviously the rest of her twisted prophesies never came to pass!! She would tell me she wished I'd never been born. I was born 16 yrs after my older sis- who grew up as only child. She " fell down " stairs when pregnant with me( likely abortion attempt combined with alcohol and drugs). Was non compliant with bedrest as she was hemorrhaging periodically. Drank and induged her addiction to narcotics through pregnancy. Refused to breastfeed and I any my sibs were essentially raised by series of house keepers. I've always been a survivor and resilient in many ways and when someone tells me I can't do something, makes me show them they're delusional! That said this has certainly damaged my self esteem in areas I continue to work on. But I have to thank her for her death this Feb, was an epiphany for me that I was more like her than I ever thought. I too have bipolar, OCD, alcohol and drug addiction( her choice of drugs even) and isolate. I also realized at that time that I was living with a twin of my N mother in guise of my exN. So, thanks to my N mother I've made some excellent choices- am finally getting a grip on my health, in recovery for alcohol and drugs- successful, left toxic workplace, kicked ex N out!!! Also you say you've been mean to your mum there is nothing wrong with confronting bad behaviour and addressing your feelings and boundaries. That is healthy conflict resolution. As for your mother's reaction to your feedback, you are in no way responsible for her reactions. Nothing to do with you- her stuff. Hang in! Moira
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Hi cat! I'm sorry your chiropractor used you for drugs---- that is horrible., Good for you for turning him in and for taking care of yourself and thatnk you for your encouragement especially about feeling bad for turning him in -I am so outraged right now that I don't feel so guilty -- wait yes I do!!! Oh no!I t is good to have that perspective that he needs to be stopped even for his own sake... Moira, oh no, I;'m so sorry you had to deal with such a mom. I am very proud of you for coming so far. I know how hard OCD and those things can be--- horrible--- especially when there is no one you can really tell. When i had ocd pretty bad, I don' think have it anymore thank god but to tell you the truth there are just many things that I just don't do anymore, I had to do all this knocking on wood and all these patterns and touch certain things like the ground or the basement floor--- very humiliating! I felt very scared--- everyone sort of treated it like a joke but I didn't know what to do. Whenever anyone would say anything twice I would have to find some way to make them say it again, everything had to be done in 3's, and i felt like i HAD to keep these big bags of garbadge in my room. It was really scary and horrible and made it really hard for me to do anything. How is your OCD now? Is there any drug or therapy that you are taking for it? i hope that it is better. I am going to try to get myself to eat now by going to the store for a hamburger. That will help it is hard to eat at the time. I am happy becaue my friend from Austin is coming into the city tonight--- that will be nice I haven't seen her for 6 years!!!!!!
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Hi Bloopsy! Thanks for your understanding and empathy! Always good when I hear from someone who also has struggled with a major mental illness. Excellent that your OCD sounds under control. Do you still have any of those behaviours? Does health, lack of sleep, stress exacerbate it? I'd be interested in knowing what, if any, psych meds worked for you? I see a great shrink and have for almost 20 yrs. and am looking at adding med for OCD. My NA sponsor, who is also bipolar, OCD, used the same drugs as I did( has been clean 10 yrs and her psych illnesses have become manageable and no hospitalizations)- told me that withdrawal from heavy pot use( has to leach out of your organs and fat) usually increases OCD, causes hypoglycemia( hence my difficulty gaining weight- am 10 lbs too light)- and obviously causes alot of fog in the noggin! Am now starting to notice I have clear thinking and interestingly enough- lots of memories and info I thought was permanently lost is coming back! As for my N mother, healthy for me to realize she was a huge part of my epiphanies, and being able to acknowledge the good parts of her personality) actually were many- very bright, geat sense of humour, encouraged education, reading the arts etc). Great to let go of most of my anger towards her. Only making me sick in every way and keeping me stuck in toxicity. Thanks! Moira
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Sorry Bloopsy for this sicko chiropractor who molested you. Icky!
You have a voice now. You are using it to speak out. You are using it to protect yourself from further harm. You wont slide back into that voicelessness from the past.
((((((((((((Bloopsy)))))))))))))
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thanks (Sallying Forth)))) !!!!! It's true I do have a voice now and I am sure using it to rant and rave. whatev !!!! (((marta) it is so nice to meet someone else with ocd. I'm glad that your ocd is better now that's great. I sure remember the days of constant struggle with that, now it is better but from talking to you it makes me realize that it is still an issue for me--- I just have not been doing the things that I want to do because I get a little ocd and stressed out. It was kind of hard to train myself out of some of the habits,and now things seem to be better. But I feel at the same time that it is such a big part of my past and just took up so much time all the time, to always have to be so much into tryign to make sure so one saw me have to bend down and touch the sidewalk or pick up a certain piece of garbade!!!!!!! That's so good to here that you are embracing some of the parts of her personality--- that is so nice that you are able to get something good from her. yay. thanks for your caring and empathy too!
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(oh no Moira I jsut reread that and realized I called you marta!! I'm sorry(( (moira))))))) :shock:
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Bloopsy,
This is simply horrible! I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I am glad that you filed a police report. I am so sorry that you are somehow encoutering so many abusive professionals, fir this T and then now this. Sometimes it feels that whenver trouble comes, it comes in waves. Just ride it out. Yes, you are indeed finding your voice! Don't forget to take care of yourself too.
Hugs, Marta
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Hi marta thanks that's how I feel too --- I feel like all those people were just not helping me! i remember feeling at the time " ifeel like I am bouncing around getting abused!!" i blamed it on my inner parent, who is also very abusive. My therapist told me " no one is abusing you now" and i just remember feeling like oh that is not how I feel! Anyway, i think that her saying that was really icky because how did she know!!!!!!!!! She was too busy sharing her own story with me to know mine!! whatev. Thanks marta!!! I hope you are doing good. Thanks for reminding me to take care of myself--- I feel like I am very focused on Dr Scott losing his job and stuff--- which is not helping me at this pointr to realize that even so I need to have breakfast!
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Bloopsy,
Don't blame yourself about mom. The only way you can have a good relationship with her is if you don't love yourself at all, and that is a pretty rough deal. I can see that you love your mom and badly want to be loved by her. Sometimes trying too hard does not help; you just have to let things go. The other day I read a lovely slogan outside a church: If you always do what you've always done, you'll get what you already have. Remember that what you have is not good enough, so you need to do it different, even if it makes your mom unhappy. You are doing great in collecting your bank statements for food stamps and cleaning up your room to make it a nice place to live, so don't lose sight of your one year plan/
Moira:
She used to tell me I was stupid, handicapped, would never be able to finish school( high school), get a job or have any kind of a life. She said I would have to live at home the rest of my life with my parents and some kind of trust fund would have to be set up when they died.
Moira, that is terrible. My mom did the same to me, like I'd have to live off some trust or something. I am really glad that you got out of abusive situation with mom and Ex.
Cat, your story about reporting your chiropractor is great!!!!!!! Davidp, take heed, reporting does work!
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Well they just gave me the third degre at the emergency room, at which point I stormed out. I will not ahve somene touching me after giving me the third degree, whatev
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Hi Bloopsy! How are you? Thanks for your comments about your OCD!! Thanks Marta also for your encouragement. Bloopsy- are you comfortable to share what happened in the emergency room? Do you have only emerg. nurses,or do you have a sexual assault team( usually nurses who do exam and all, hook you up with resources etc)? I sincerely hope you are thinking about/working on getting a new therapist. Having worked 20 yrs. in psych. I can assure you unfortunately there are inappropriate therapists out there- your sound like a borderilne personality disorder. no boundaries and very damaging. I'm big on accountability and I personally would call whoever her governing body is for therapists and lodge a complant. Your right to do so. I would bet this woman is known in your city/community etc and has a reputation. Psych workers and therapists are an incestuous bunch( we tend to know reps and if not, there is always someone who is in the know!). Do you have a women's centre or a crisis line where you live or could access one? My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep sharing and talking to AA group- if you still feel comfortable. Take care of yourself. Hugs Moira
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hugs ((marta)))))) and (((((moira))))))
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after I told my mother i could tell she tried really hard to seem outraged and whatever but she couldn't and that was hard for me I guess things have just always been too much for her
Bloopsy, a good mother would care if her daughter told her something like this. She would set aside her issues, whatever they were, and tend to her loved one. The fact that instead you are worried about giving her support in her relationship with her boyfriend, shows that this is anot a relationship where your needs are seen or given any importance. You are not supposed to be taking care of her all the time. That was her role and she put you in that role instead. This was wrong. And it continues. She is not going to stop. She is not going to look after you. She is going to bleed you dry. You will have to get away from her and she will survive just fine without you. She can even get little kids to meet her needs - she is not going to go wanting.
I think in reality she is and abused woman and probably has to be in quite a big lot of denial herself/ because he wwould alwayx say really mnean things to her and I would be like mommy doesn't that hurt your feelings and she would be like :" oh no I have such a thick skin" well she has needed it..
Your mother is a grown woman. You did not give birth to her or raise her - she was an adult when you met her. She should be able to take care of herself, and she should have been able to take care of children (you). She did not. She can get out of that relationship, yes you have a million reasons why she can't but she actually can. She is choosing to stay there. But you...you can go.
I have been not so nice to her what with my therapist telling me that she wanted me dead and maybe she did but at the same time i hate it when i am anything but nice to my mom even though she has hurt me she is a wonderful person
Maybe it would help to make a list of all her wonderful traits, and things she has done, and all the awful ones. I have a hard time seeing how wonderful she is. Did she tell you that she was wonderful?
I wish that my therapist had jsut shut her big fat flaming n mouth and shut her face and just left me well enough alone because I know my mom couldn't handle me and that is that but at least she was not maliciously cruel and sadistic like my therapist
'Well enough' seemed to have some problems, I think. When you look back, do you see that you were happy? Or that you were sweeping things under the rug?
Your mother might not have slid bamboo up your fingernails, but she made you into a person designed only to meet her own needs, and not your own. That is abuse.
I hope I am not being too blunt, Bloopsy. You just seem like such a nice, warm, caring person who has not received the love she deserves. You have not been taught to take your own needs into account. You have been molded into someone who cannot even mouth her own basic feelings without feeling guilty and immediately punishing yourself for not being giving enough to your mother. She has had your whole life so far. Isn't that enough? It just makes me so angry!
Plucky
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thank you Plucky. What you wrote made me understand what happened with my mother and why it was so horrible and not okay. I think that that was really how it was. I know that my mom will be okay---- she will be okay. She is not all bad, but she does not get to do that--- the thing is that it is so insidious and undercover that it has been hard for me to describe and I wiffle waffle about it, but I think I really understand now.
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Sometimes I would be lying in my bed unable to think anything but " I have no soul" which they had stolen from me with their lies and needs and she would come in and complain to me about her job. It is not my fault that I thought that I had no soul and that made me feel awful and terrible.whatev to that. When i was a little girl I was not in a position to fulfill my moms needs but that was the position that she put me in. When i would stand up for myself she would get angry and withhold her "love". I drew a picture that illustrated this type of abuse it is called "Problem Child" (What is Wrong With Me)and it is of a little girl standing there with her heart and private parts bleeding with two grey/black figures standing over her attatched to her by the greyness.
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I confronted My "soul healer" (some guy that my therapist had refered me to because I couldn't move anymore after seeing her for so long, about the boundary violations that he did to me, and he got very defensive. For the first time in our stupid relationship he enforced the boundary that the could not speak to me over the phone outside our sessions. I think that he is also a horrible manipulative icky creep. ick. I feel that I am all alone and going crazy or something. I am not going to take it out on myself but instead I just lay there in my bed all day long and felt hopeless. I do not blame myself. When I think that it is too much to believe I look at slavery and all the other horrible things that people do to others --- there is a lot of evil in people and the fact that these people had it in them to abuse their power over me and use it for their own needs and accept money is not suprising if you look at history. :x :x :x :x :x :x :x
Those people hurt me very badly. I feel like the sexual abuse on the part of my chiropractor is hurting me less than that other abuse, even though I know deep down that my therapist hurt me very bad and was really a man posing as a woman to get closer to vulnerable women, even thought that sounds like i am making it up I am not.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
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I know that what happened to me was nowhere near on the level of slavery, it is just that when i start thinking " well they wouldn't do that, no one can be that evil and cruel", I think to myself that of course they can, look at all the people enslaved by power hungry madmen and had their whole lives stolen from them, it is horrible about what those people did but it is not suprising to me when I think of that, and helps me to come out of denial too. I hope that that doesn't sound too horrible.
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Hi Bloopsy,
don't feel guilty about comparing your lot to that of slaves. Slaves are under the control of cruel, selfish, greedy people who don't care about their needs or wellbeing. Slaves are thought by their torturers to be inferior and made to meet impossible demands. Slaves are told that they can never escape and would never amount to anything even if they could. Does that sound familiar?
Plucky
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yes.
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I know that it may seem like there is a lot stuff going on---- I am sorry if it is overwhelming. I have ben feeling like the past years I have been running around being abused and blamed it on myself and thought that that was the way that it had to be, Now that I am realizing that the way that those people treated me was\n't right, I have a lot on mychest and am sorry if it is overwhelming, Also, I have multiple inner children, 3,7,10, and 13, and this also makes things seem like a lot since they have all of their own perspectives and feelings stored up in them as well. I do not write anything here but the truth and am sorry if maybe it seems likr too much.
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It's not too much. It's you, and you are ok. It's the truth, and the truth is never bad. Just go ahead and get it out. We are listening.
Plucky
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Thank you Plucky. I guess that i was feeling a little weird and icky about my posts!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hey Bloopsy,
How are you doing?
Has spring sprung where you are?
I've missed you and am wondering how it's been...you have had a rough time and I hope things are going better.
Love,
Hops