Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Cadbury on October 24, 2005, 03:38:45 PM
-
I've been away for a while trying to deal with stuff ... :)
This post stems from people asking me about my ex. I have kept most of the things that happenend totally private, only telling my best friend a few things when I just had to get it off my chest. I think most of the reason I keep it all in, is that I am so ashamed that I let him do so much before I even started to question it. I can remember feeling so confused by his behaviour and where I would normally have walked away, something kept me trying with him. I kept doing everything he said so he would still love me, with no concept of what he was or why he was doing it.
I feel as though if I told people some of the things that went on in the relationship they would think I was insane for staying so long. I have been luckier than others on this board in that the relationship only lasted 9 months, but they were the most intensely awful 9 months of my life.
I just wondered why I put up with it? What went wrong with me that I thought his love was worth so much? I am finding it harder to understand lately... it has been a year since we broke up, but I am having to deal with him as I have his baby. I just don't understand why I would let someone behave so terribly towards me. I am deeply ashamed.
He used to tell me that he would not have sex with me and use protection as I was finally a woman he felt was intelligent enough to have his baby. He told me it was our duty to have a baby together, for the benefit of the human race (yes, he really said that! I bet you're all glad now you know how safe your futures are!! :) ). It took 7 months for me to fall pregnant and every month when I got my period he would tell me that I had deliberately miscarried his baby and if I truly loved him I would stop doing that. When I did get pregnant he just smiled and told me to carry on making the dinner. Then a month later he left.
He forced me to do things sexually that make me feel ill to even think about now. I have never told anyone this, and I warn you it is gross, so if you don't want to know - look away now: he peed in my mouth once without warning and when I gagged he told me that I couldn't love him or I would love the taste of his pee!! It sounds funny, but it was awful. I feel bad now because I can emember at the time almost being willing to try and like it so he would still love me...
There are lots of other things, but they run along the same lines. I used to read about people in abusive relationships and think they were mad to stay there. That they should get out and save themselves... I had no concept of how it happens. I feel such a deep shame that I put up with it and tried so hard to understand him and do every insane thing he asked of me to keep him. I can't talk to people I know as they wouldn't understand. I don't understand it myself. It is like it is worse now that I am by myself again and true to myself again than it was at the time.
I also treated people in ways I would never have treated them before, I didn't have time for my friends and family (who I am very close to) just because he said so... I feel so bad about it all, I don't understand... :(
Has anyone else experienced this? Sorry to be so rambling but I am so full of crap I just don't get .... thanks for any help :)
-
You have nothing to be ashamed of hon. You were controlled and manipulated by someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally. That is not something to be ashamed off. You went along with it because you wanted him to love you and wanted to make him happy. I feel this is something that many of us can relate too.
You are away from him now and you can bring this baby up in an honest and loving environment and give this baby what it deserves, which isn't him.
All the best hon xx
-
Wow! I think it's great that you got out after only 9 months! Leaving a relationship can be really awful, and with a child not anything to take lightly. You'll see from reading posts on this board that most of stayed in a bad relationship a lot longer than you did. Many of us are in our 40's or 50's and just now facing how terribly we let people treat us.
I think you must be a very strong person to leave when you did.
Thank God you only had one with the guy.
Those feelings of shame can be hard to deal with. Unfortunately, that's the legacy of abuse, but it can be overcome. You are a courageous person and that's something to be proud of.
Also, abusers like your ex will isolate their victims from their friends and families. It's deliberate, cruel, and very common.
Gail
-
I think you are heroic. Naming shame is an awesomely powerful thing to do. When you can NAME your feeling "shame"...it begins to lose its power. Because it's not a feeling we should ever linger in. I remember someone on TV saying something that hit me like a ton of bricks:
"Guilt" is a normal appropriate human feeling that simply means, "I have made a mistake, so now I want to do what I can to amend it."
(Toxic) "Shame" is a feeling: "I am the mistake."
I also was debased in a relationships with Ns. I am sure there are moments like that, sexual and otherwise, in so many, many recovering people's lives. But that's the thing...you are seeing it (even if in hindsight) and you are naming it for what it was, so you are RECOVERING.
Your baby is a lucky angel, because you will know how to teach your child what is whole and what love is. Because you've come to have insight about what it is not. (Like so many of us.) Doesn't matter that you learned it the hard way. Doesn't matter at all. Only that you did.
There is NO shame in having done what felt automated. How about a dawning sense of glowing self-esteem that you're not on autopilot any more? I hope that comes, grows solid, and anchors in your every cell.
Hopalong
-
Cadbury,
give yourself a break. You were caught off guard by someone who has made his life's work the manipulation and humilation of others. He is a criminal, and you are the former victim. You had no prior experience with this type of crime, so it took a few months to catch on. But you quickly did, and you got out, and importantly, got your baby out.
I think you are courageous and strong. This experience was a learning one and the lasting effects will be that you will never be blind to this type of abuse again. This is knowledge you can pass on to your child.
You are now healing and living through the hurt. Many crime victims blame themselves, for some reason. I know I have. But try to behave towards yourself as you would to someone else, someone you cared about. Would you want that friend to feel ashamed and guilty? Would you blame her? Would you blame me, if I came up here and said I received horrible treatment from someone and it took a few months for me to get out? Would you write back, it's your own fault! You should have known! Now you're sullied for life! Or whatever other messages you're lobbing at yourself.
You may not be able to tell everyone. Just as you had no idea, others have no idea what this is about. That does not mean it is shameful, nor is it your fault. It is private and you ought to protect yourself against being hurt by thoughtless comments, just as you protect your child against the cold or against falls.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I am glad the relationship is over. I am impressed with your strength.
Plucky
-
Hi Cadbury,
It's good to hear from you. I hope the baby is doing well and you're able to get some sleep.
Please be kind to yourself and get over the feelings of shame this man brought to you. I also did some things that I am not proud of and haven't been able to talk about with anyone, including my therapist, while I was desperately trying to hang on to my marriage. My ex saw the power he had over me when he was pretending to try to work to save the marriage and he took full advantage of that and relished being able to manipulate me to do whatever turned him on. Totally degrading and humiliating, but I can look back now and see him for the pathetic human being he is and be so glad he is out of my life. I actually see those experiences as blessings in disguise, as they were what empowered me to get over him, get healthy, get whole and get on with my life.
I hope you empower yourself to get beyond the pain of what he did and resolve to never allow anyone to take advantage of you again. Look in the face of that beautiful baby, and be so glad that he is in your life, but his bio-dad is not (you had a boy, right? Sorry, if I got that wrong). You have been very strong and courageous where your baby is concerned, and I'm sure with his interests in mind, you can pick up your life, move on and once again be happy.
Blessings,
Brigid
-
Cadbury,
You had to go through awful things. Please do not be ashamed to write about your experiences; probably most of us on this board have been in situations where we let ourselves be humiliated by others in one fashion or another. It is a good thing that you are able to open up and write about all this that we would not talk face to face with our friends. I thnk it really helps to be NOT overwhelmed by that shame. My heart goes out to you for having been subjected to all this.
Hugs and love to you, Marta
-
I'm sorry for what you went through Cadbury.
I feel angry towards that guy who did that to you. :x He had absolutely no regard for you at all. He abused the power he held over you...
It's so hard to deal with the reality of the situation once you come out of the trance. You wonder who that person was with that man because in hindsight, it didn't feel like you at all- just a lost soul needing to be loved...
Please don't ever compromise yourself again. No one is worth that.
-
shame is a cycle.
My ex-N-h told me that. Ironically...
No one thinks any the less of you, we've all been there, God alone must have ordained my last conception, it was so unlikely....
But here it ends.
You have a baby?
Wow.
A wonder of nature.
Not just you and the father...but the whole of creation. We are all part of your miracle.
Whatever happened, your baby was meant to be, and has its place here.
-
You are carrying your exbf's shame, Cadbury. You have done nothing to be ashamed of.
Your exbf is the one who is full of shame. He is a sick, abusive, m#@%*& f$#@%& !!! Sounds like my bioNfather to the T! I am writing a story about him and what he did to me.
I've read the following books and they helped me understand what I went through with my bioNfather.
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
When Hope Can Kill
What you went through is called the Stockholm Syndrome. The following link helped me understand this as I went through it too.
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=469
I'm sorry you went this horrific abuse with that man. Hugs ((((((((((((((Cadbury))))))))))))))
-
You are all so nice... this board has helped me with so much. I like being able to come here and find understanding. I will be lost in my own little world feeling lost and floundering, yet here there are people who have been through what I have been through and that helps so much.
NPDdad wrote:
You were controlled and manipulated by someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally.
That is so true, I just don't get how it works. It was like being under a spell in some ways, because now I cannot see anything even likeable in him.
Wow! I think it's great that you got out after only 9 months!
Well, I was "lucky" in a way that he had an episode of true narcissistic rage that risked the life of my youngest daughter (we were taking her to hospital when she had passed out after banging her head on the sofa, when he desided to stop off at a DIY store - then had a temper tantrum and left us all in the middle of nowhere.) This woke me up so fast that I knew I had to get away. It still took a few months after that to actually get him to stop harassing me. Even last week he sent me flowers when he heard I was ill. :roll:
I think you are heroic. Naming shame is an awesomely powerful thing to do. When you can NAME your feeling "shame"...it begins to lose its power. Because it's not a feeling we should ever linger in. I remember someone on TV saying something that hit me like a ton of bricks:
"Guilt" is a normal appropriate human feeling that simply means, "I have made a mistake, so now I want to do what I can to amend it."
(Toxic) "Shame" is a feeling: "I am the mistake."
I also was debased in a relationships with Ns. I am sure there are moments like that, sexual and otherwise, in so many, many recovering people's lives. But that's the thing...you are seeing it (even if in hindsight) and you are naming it for what it was, so you are RECOVERING.
Your baby is a lucky angel, because you will know how to teach your child what is whole and what love is. Because you've come to have insight about what it is not. (Like so many of us.) Doesn't matter that you learned it the hard way. Doesn't matter at all. Only that you did.
There is NO shame in having done what felt automated. How about a dawning sense of glowing self-esteem that you're not on autopilot any more? I hope that comes, grows solid, and anchors in your every cell.
Hopalong
Thank you for that post Hopalong. It made so much sense to me. It is so good for me all this - it is giving me perspective. I seem to lose perspective so easily when I am alone. My son is so special to me, I am fighting through the courts to minimise contact with my ex. So far he has seen him for 3 1/2 hours in his whole life. He has been offered more at a contact centre, but in direct breach of the court order is trying to make me go to mediation so he can try and make me let him have contact somewhere else. (He is above a contact centre, don't you know? ;) )Cadbury,
give yourself a break. ......
But try to behave towards yourself as you would to someone else, someone you cared about. Would you want that friend to feel ashamed and guilty? Would you blame her? Would you blame me, if I came up here and said I received horrible treatment from someone and it took a few months for me to get out? Would you write back, it's your own fault! You should have known! Now you're sullied for life! Or whatever other messages you're lobbing at yourself.
Thanks Plucky! I can see it when it's someone else, I really can. I don't know why it seems so difficult when it is myself. I suppose in some way I blame myself, whereas I can see that is pointless and unnecessary when it is someone else. I really should give myself a break.
I hope the baby is doing well and you're able to get some sleep.
Thank you Brigid. My son (yes it was a boy!) is wonderful. He is still not a good sleeper at all, and I haven't had much sleep for 5 months, but he is such a darling I forgive him. :) I suppose I should never forget that the biggest driving force with my ex was power, everything was about power and control with him. I know that after being with him I will be far more demanding of a future partner in the sense that they will have some big personality tests to pass before I let them in to my life!
Cadbury,
You had to go through awful things. Please do not be ashamed to write about your experiences; probably most of us on this board have been in situations where we let ourselves be humiliated by others in one fashion or another. It is a good thing that you are able to open up and write about all this that we would not talk face to face with our friends. I thnk it really helps to be NOT overwhelmed by that shame. My heart goes out to you for having been subjected to all this.
Hugs and love to you, Marta
It did help to write a little about it all. The fact that none of you were disgusted by me made me feel a little better. It was also good to finally admit some of what went on. A lot of my friends just think he was an idiot that I finally gt fed up with. The don't know what NPD can be like at all.
It's so hard to deal with the reality of the situation once you come out of the trance. You wonder who that person was with that man because in hindsight, it didn't feel like you at all- just a lost soul needing to be loved...
Wow Selkie - that is so right. It was like a trance, and I really don't recognise myself in it... thank you for understanding (that goes for all of you btw :) )
A wonder of nature.
Not just you and the father...but the whole of creation. We are all part of your miracle.
Whatever happened, your baby was meant to be, and has its place here.
Thank you write, I truly feel blessed by my son, whatever that means for the future and having to deal with his father. I do believe that everything has its place in a bigger plan and that is very comforting.
Sallying Forth - Thank you for those links and books. I will do some reading. I am glad that I sawwhat he is before my son was even born.
Hugs to all of you and thank you so much for your understanding. I still feel ashamed, but I can keep working on that. You have all helped give me some perspective on everything, so thank you.
Another thing is I feel as though I should apologise to some of the people i wasn't myself with and treated badly. I don't know if this would be more for myself than them. I have made it up with them, but this was mostly because they all came back when my ex left. Would it help if I wrote to them and explained how I was feeling and what was happening? I just feel that I owe them some explanation. What do you think? Would it just open old wounds?
Thanks again :)
-
You mean like, "There's been a stretch when I wasn't myself, couldn't be a terrific friend, because of the extreme issues that were going on. I am sorry for that, and want you to know I'm grateful we are friends. Thank you for being in my life."
Something like that wrapped around a bar of chocolate? You don't owe any big detailed thing...but if some general acknowlegment would feel right, why not?
(I think offering UNASHAMED apology is empowering. I have a tendency to put words in other people's mouths, too. To try to write other people's dialogue.) I'm sorry for that. :)
Hopalong
-
Hopalong: Yes, that is the kind of thing I was thinking of... I just don't know how beneficial that would be. I feel I should explain myself a little... oh and your words were fine! :))
-
Another thing is I feel as though I should apologise to some of the people i wasn't myself with and treated badly. I don't know if this would be more for myself than them. I have made it up with them, but this was mostly because they all came back when my ex left. Would it help if I wrote to them and explained how I was feeling and what was happening? I just feel that I owe them some explanation. What do you think? Would it just open old wounds?
To be totally honest I feel you have to do what you feel is best for you. Real Friends are friends through good and bad times and they won't be expecting an apology or an explanation. They will just be happy that you're away from your ex and are moving on with your life.
-
I think you must do what feels right for you. If you feel like it is too raw and may open up the wound, don't do it. You should start putting yourself first for a change. On the other hand, if you do feel like you can, I think it's a lovely idea to let your friends know that you acknowledge the fact that you weren't there for them or weren't yourself or whatever... I don't think you need to explain in full or anything, if you feel like you neglected them, then it just needs acknowledgement.
-
Thank you Selkie and NPDdad...I think I will at least write the things I want to say. I don't have to send them, but I think just writing will help.
Thanks all again.
-
I just feel that I owe them some explanation. What do you think?
Opening up is always a risk. We can never predict how others will respond. So if it is a certain reaction you wish from them, and are too vulnerable right now to face any other response, then may be it is a good idea to hold off.
However, if I was your friend, I would be absolutely delighted to get something like that. It would show me that you cared, you acknowledged your mistake, it would not happen again in future, that I meant something to you.
I feel that communication is always a step towards intimacy. Sometimes however, our timing may be off and others may be out of synch, too busy annoyed preoccupied defensive to give us the response we want. That is the beauty of human life.
I say, if you can face some probability of rejection, go for it!
Hugs, Marta
-
Thank you Marta!
I think I will do it. I will definitely write them and then wait a couple of days to see if I want to post them.
At the moment I keep going over things that happened during the relationship and I am trying to feel guilt rather than shame. Guilt seems a more reasonable emotion somehow. It seems as though I will be sitting here and get hit by something new and the feelings start all over again....
I am trying to compare this to how it was last year, that way I know I am better, but it is still a struggle at times.
Thanks for listening everyone :D
-
Do you care to explore the feeling of shame? You can get it out of your system here!
-
Selkie, Hopalong- thank you for your comments. I have been away from this thread for a while, just trying to see how I felt about everything. I have been going over all the things that happened during the relationship and trying to come to terms with my own reaction to them. I don't know how much it is helping, but it feels like I am letting myself experience them without collapsing, so maybe it is helping a little.
My biggest shame comes from the times where I don't feel I put my children first. I cannot understand that. They are my whole world, I love them above everything. It seems as though sometimes I let the force of my exN's personality over-ride my own good sense. He was so strict with them and I let him be. This is because the few times I dared interupt him or question him, he absolutely exploded. It was frightening and he did this in front of the children. I should have run then. Why did I put up with it? If I couldn't do it for myself, I should have done it for my girls. I feel terrible. I once asekd him not to get them over-excited before bedtime and he walked out of the house! Now it seems such a ridiculous thing for a grown man to do, but at the time I was so scared, I ran after him and spent a good hour calming him down enough that he would return. Why didn't I just tell him to f*&k off? It is so unlike me, I wouldn't dream of it now, so what did he do to me that stopped me being myself? I hate that part, the control. I hate the fact that he could just walk in and take control of me and I would let him. I didn't see it at the time, but I see it now. Textbook N, cut off all my friends and family. He said if I loved him I wouldn't need anyone else and I just went along with it.
It makes me feel so useless and lost, I just don't understand....
That's all for now. Venting a little at a time....
-
You're sounding really steady, you know, in spite of the pain. Not collapsing is a very strong thing.
I had so much guilt over sacrificing the second half of my daughter's childhood to her NStepdad.
It got better when I apologized to her. I just told her I am so sorry that I wasn't strong enough to do what you needed most at that time. But I just wasn't.
Her forgiveness was immediate. Obvious. Clean as rain. It reminded me to forgive myself.
I bet if you told your kids you're really sorry that when their Dad blew up you just didn't know back then how to stop it, they'll be just the same. You can just tell them you weren't strong enough and hadn't learned enough.
They love you. And you're there with them, loving them, right?
They know who's loving them.
Kids are SO smart. They can see who is trying to do the right thing, battling to grow and make things better. That's what they take away. They don't keep score of our mistakes half as much as we do. Their love for you is BIIIIIIIIIIG.
(They'd probably like it even more to see you laugh, start relaxing, stop banging yourself over the head with a frypan.)
Hugs,
Hopalong
-
Cadbury, I can second Hop's comments. I can look back with a lot of regret for marrying my second N if I want to (I stopped doing that to myself, though). He simply did not love (or actually even care for) my children. I have had a few heart to hearts with my daughter in the last three years (she seemed to take the brunt of his rudenss) and actually apologized for not recognizing her sadness sooner. We don't belabor it, but she knows I understand how she felt and that I recognize at times I let her down. I did divorce the guy, and not to make her feel responsible or anything, there is an understanding that his behavoir toward my children was a part of my no longer loving him.
Kids are amazingly resilient given lots of love and a healthy model for living. You do that for your kids....so don't fret.
-
I find shame one of the hardest feelings to understand and deal with.
I read that guilt is something we put on ourselves when we do wrong but shame is something others put on us.
In a way.....that makes sense. These things are not spoken of and therefore seem shameful. If society spoke of the things that happened between you and TH as being understandable, you would probably not feel any shame. But such things aren't spoken of, even if two consentng adults are involved because there is something supposedly shameful in that speaking. Being abused is seen as shameful.....by some.
I disagree. Next century, the whole scene could change and stuff that is acceptable now might be the new shameful stuff and vice versa. It's like eating meat on Friday suddenly became NOT a sin, one day. :shock: I never got that. I never thought it was a sin to begin with :?(me and my rebel brain cell 8)).
Anyway....what I'm trying to say is Cadbury.......you were not acting shamefully.......he was. He manipulated you, conned you, coaxed you, threatened you, isolated you, belittled you, played you, picked at you, toyed with you, tested you, trained you and on and on. All you did was try to please him because when people love eachother......they do that. And there is some: autopilot (as Hopalong? put it) that seems to take hold when we are vunerable and hook up with such a snake. It issssssss like a spell or something (imo).
That's how I see what happened to you and like everyone else who has posted here, I admire your strength and honesty. I believe you are a very intelligent woman and perhaps part of your shame stems from the idea that intelligent woman don't get caught in the grip of snakes or fall into snake holes. That's pitooey, if you ask me because it wasn't your brain that got caught.......it was your heart. It was your brain that saved you, in the end!!! And being an intelligent brain.......it won't let your heart fall for such stuff again!!
:D Sela
-
During my last six months of counselling, I came to realise that shame had underpinned my whole life, right from early childhood where I was rejected by my mother and then sexually abused by an uncle.
The subject of shame has been littled studied or understood by psychologists but there is a very good book on the subject by John Bradshaw called Healing the Shame that Binds You that has been helpful to me.
One of the things that caused me great shame, has been the behaviour of my anti-social adult daughter, but going through her life and my relationship with her with my counsellor, and having her affirm that indeed her behaviour was not my fault, released me from a lot of the shame.
I also carry great shame and guilt because of my marriage with my last husband when I had two children from a previous marriage. I just cannot believe what I put up with, right from the start when he banned the children from mentioning their fathers family who they saw regularly. Their step father did not like the idea that I had been with another man, through sexual jealousy I suppose and liekd to pretend that my first marriage had not happened. He has treat me like an object right from the start and I am amazed that I did not see it.
Everything that I have gone through in my life, left me with a feeling of shame attatched to it. But realising this and the fact that it was due to the way I saw myself and undeserved has freed me. My abusers shoudl be carrying the shame but as we all know, they do not, or rather it is burried so deep that they cannot get in touch with it.
However, I have learnt to value myself and see that all of the abuse I had, really meant that I should not be ashamed of myself (which is shame for who you are not what you do). The cycle has been broken now and I am healing and developing the self protection that would have stopped all of the abuse from the past.
ps just to enlarge a bit. That book says that there are two forms of shame; healthy shame and toxic shame. The healthy shame is necessary for us to learn how to behave; the toxic one is what makes you feel that you yourself are faulty and flawed as a human being, ususally from toxic parenting.
-
Cadbury:
My biggest shame comes from the times where I don't feel I put my children first.
Mum:
I recognize at times I let her down
Cadbury and Mum, thit is really brave of you, to admit this to even yourself. I think your children will appreciate this. It is one thing to admit to flaws in our N parents or partners, but when we admit our own shortcomings and wish to make amends, I think that is when true healing and change happens. It sounds as though your children are still doing OK and your relationship with them is loving, which is the main thing. I am proud of you both for saying this.
I just don't understand....
Cadbury, you have to recognize that there are forces greater than us in this world that can overpower us at times against our conscious will. Hitler could carry an entire nation with him and make them support him in doing shameful things. Everyone has his threshold when he can be seduced into doing shameful things, and just because your threshold was low does not mean that you are a shameful person. Your instincts and love for your children led you to take the right action, which is why you left him. Besides, if you could not protect even your own self, how could you have protected your children?
-
It did help to write a little about it all. The fact that none of you were disgusted by me made me feel a little better. It was also good to finally admit some of what went on.
My ex husband used to want me to do things that disturbed me at the time, but I tried to do them for him, because he made me feel inexperienced and - well, by implication, frigid or something. I had nobody to talk to about this. We were married, and everyone looks the other way and leaves you to 'live happily ever after.' There was no-one I could go to, to ask, is this right? Should I agree to this? Is this normal or not? I knew that if two adults consented, it was supposed to be ok, but I was not consenting. I was unhappy.
I am too ashamed even now to say what it was. :(
It was not until many years later that I had a male counsellor who I managed to trust enough to ask some of this stuff. We did not discuss it in detail, but he told me; 'no, that is not normal.'
This was a significant moment for me. So in turn I will say to you, Cadbury, that what you described this man doing to you is not normal. It is a sign of his antipathy towards you, and perhaps towards women in general. It is not a part of love making for the majority of people. I am sure you already know this, but sometimes it helps to hear it again. This man has problems, and I am glad you are away from him.
The shame you feel is his, so give it back where it belongs. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
-
Hi Cadbury,
I had alot of the same feelings that you describe when I began to reflect on my relationship with my exN. I felt dazed and confused over the events that took place. I didnt have much clarity about the situation until I began to read about Stolkholm Syndrome. I read so many stories about what happens to a person when they are in the midst of a traumatic event and I began to understand the human survival mechanism.
Hun, instead of considering all that you have experienced with your ex as mistakes, consider them learning experiences and learn from them as to make you a stronger person for the life that lies ahead of you.
You also have to remember these types of people are numero uno at mind control. My gosh, look at Hitler, Sadaam Hussaan, etc.... These people manipulated others to do horrific acts. Its all about mind control and you were under the spell of a master so please dont be hard on yourself. It happened to the best of us!
-
Thank you for all your excellent replies. It helps put things into perspective. I have a terrible habit of going over and over things that made me unhappy and berating myself and my actions, even though I cannot change the past... daft I know, but this board and your replies are helping me to move on.
October - I too did a lot of things that he told me too that I cannot even bear to mention now. I have spoken to a very close friend about some of those things and she has assured me they weren't normal. However, I still find it disgusts me to think I actually did them in the first place.
He really does have a very low opinion of women, he was so rude to my solicitor because she was female. He is such a pig.
Luckily the father of my two eldest children is really nice so at least I only have one pig to deal with.
I do love all the feedback from this board. The feeling of calm I had when I firrst got here and discovered other people had been through what I had been through and actually understood what I was talking about was just amazing. I am so happy that I have this outlet.
(They'd probably like it even more to see you laugh, start relaxing, stop banging yourself over the head with a frypan.)
Thanks Hopalong... made me smile :)
That's how I see what happened to you and like everyone else who has posted here, I admire your strength and honesty. I believe you are a very intelligent woman and perhaps part of your shame stems from the idea that intelligent woman don't get caught in the grip of snakes or fall into snake holes. That's pitooey, if you ask me because it wasn't your brain that got caught.......it was your heart. It was your brain that saved you, in the end!!! And being an intelligent brain.......it won't let your heart fall for such stuff again!!
Thanks Sela - I think there is a lot of truth for me in that. I am far more cautious now about everything, well men anyway. :)
Hun, instead of considering all that you have experienced with your ex as mistakes, consider them learning experiences and learn from them as to make you a stronger person for the life that lies ahead of you.
thank you Jaded, again wise words! I should isten to you all more often, you help so much. I don't know about you though, but I find that sometimes I can get a bit lost within myself and forget to listen to advice that would bring me out of that :) Stupid me really!
All of you had such good advice... thanks again :)