Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Healing&Hopeful on October 25, 2005, 04:56:43 AM
-
Good Morning
There is something to be said for being annonymous. Yesterday I told you all (a bunch of strangers) about my Mum, my bio dad and about some of my childhood. Something I'd never told anyone. My bio dad is quite clearly not all there, however my Mum is a completely different kettle of fish.
I can pin point the day it started. I was 7/8 and it was after my half brother was born. We had these double doors that separated our lounge and our kitchen. She slapped me hard across the face because I slammed these doors shut. Food and what I wore was her major control, however the older I got, the worse she got. I remember being so afraid of her, I don't think I will ever forget the fear and it's one thing I can really relate to why people stay in abusive relationships. We lived in a village and at secondary school, my friends lived in the next village to ours, about 3 miles away. I wasn't allowed to see my friends in the evening as they wouldn't take me over, or let friends come over to ours, and I wasn't allowed to catch the bus.
I had to get up at 6 every morning, we all ate breakfast together (Cornflakes every single day!, if I didn't finish my food by the time they had finished my face was pushed in my breakfast), then cleaned up and off to do my paper round, back to get ready for school (I used to be really glad we had a school uniform and hated non school uniform day). I used to like school as I saw my friends and I was away from her. Packed lunch every day, cheese and tomato sauce sandwiches/cheese and onion sandwiches/ham and onion sandwiches. Always the same. I used to bin my sandwiches because I was so so sick of them. I loved lunch time though because me and my friend sometimes went into the village, or we went to feed the horses, then it was hometime and I used to wander home slowly. Get changed into a minature version of Mum, then tea time, Monday was left overs from Sunday dinner, tuesday chops, can't remember wed, thurs fish and chips. Eat at set times and huge platefuls of food, wasn't allowed to leave any. Then dry up and in my room to do homework as Mum didn't want to see her ugly bitch of a child and if I resisted, well, grabbed by my hair and pulled was the way to go. Soon make me move. My stepdad used to try and stick up for me and when that didn't work, tell me not to resist Mum. Mum used to call me the rebel child, ugly, hateful.
I had two jobs at 13/14, paper round in the morning and a Saturday job at our local hairdressers. I remember the hairdresser saying, if Mum thought I was a rebel child, she didn't know what she'd make of her own. She also gave me a piece of advice to ensure I didn't marry the first person I met. I think she could see I may use that as escapism.
During that time my escapism was daydreaming. I did use to sit in my room and wish for my knight in shining armour to come along, though sometimes I had very dark thoughts. I used to wish that they'd go out and die in a car crash. How awful is that? I don't think I really wanted this to happen to them, it was more a case that I could be free.
When I was 17, I moved out of Mum's, into bio dad's, with him and his girlfriend. Mum, Dad and brother were stood in my room, arms folded, glaring at me saying "we're not going to make this easy for you". I tried to leave before but Mum was so upset and promised it would change.... I think I managed to get a pair of jeans then. I had a little more freedom at bio dad's in that I could chose my own clothes and I was working so at least it was closer to work. Mum wouldn't talk to me, but I ended up writing a letter to her after about 4/5 months. I can't remember much of the time at bio dad's, but I do remember having more freedom and being able to have friends over. However this totally changed when his girlfriend left him, which was totally my fault so I had to go. Plus I didn't make him a good enough tea so I didn't inflate his ego enough, I wasn't going to suck up to him enough so he had to get rid of me. Mum had said I was never going back once I left so I was out on my ear, sleeping on Mum's floor because they had filled my room up with junk. My boss at work was my saviour at this time. She knew of a flat opposite from her, so the Managing Director of the company and her vouched for me so I had somewhere to live. She was an amazing person as when I moved in, I had nothing. A little stereo, two pans which Mum gave me, a few clothes, that was it. A friend decided to buy a new TV for her room and let me have her old black and white one. I had no washing machine, but my boss that lived opposite let me use hers so I didn't have to walk a mile to the laundrette. My friends and their parents were so kind to me. I'm gutted that I've lost touch with my old boss, but two of my friends from school are still really good friends, one was my bridesmaids and the other's daughter was my flower girl. She would have been my bridesmaid except she was pregnant and didn't feel comfortable with being a bridesmaid.
I did a big thing last night and actually told my husband some of this, about the food, when we ate, what we ate etc and about the name calling. To this day I can't stand pack lunches and my husband said he can see why, when he plans what we can have for tea, I turn my nose up and want something else. He asked me why I've never told him any of it before and I said that I didn't want him to think ill of Mum, that it was in the past.
The reason I've told you all this is because here I can relate to so many things. To the post about feeling ashamed.... I've never told anyone because I was ashamed I didn't come from a normal family, to the post about if they knew what they know now, they'd have been afraid to have children. I couldn't believe reading that this morning as I said those words last night... the real reason I've always said I don't want children is that I'm afraid I'll treat them like Mum treated me.
One of my friend's says "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger", and I do believe that what you experience shapes you as a person and is the reason why you are who you are today and with who your with. My husband believes that too and said to me last night that he's so happy with what we've got.
Well done if you're still reading and I apologise for rambling on for so long and boring the pants of you all, but this was something that I needed to do for me. Actually it's made me smile as I don't think I've ever spoke about myself for so long... Eeeek, NPD????!!!! :o) Thanks for listening. xx
-
First of all big hugs to you ((((((((())))))))))... you have been through so much, I really feel for you. It didn't bore the pants off me at all so don't worry on that score! I cannot imagine what you went through as a child, I am glad that you have gotten some of it off your chest, I hope it helps. I know it helps me when I share something on this board that I haven't shared anywhere else.
I think you are doing the right things in trying to come to terms with all this, I am glad your husband is so understanding, that must help. I just hope coming to this board helps you as much as it helps me. Sometimes just having people understand and recognise your feelings can help.
Take care :)
-
Hi Cadbury ((((((((((((hug)))))))))))
Thank you so much for your kind reply. I was shaking when I opened your reply and I could happily sit down and have a good cry, however being at work it's not a very practical thing to do.
Mum, Stepdad and brother still live in this little world she created. Meals at the same time, and they pretty much still eat the same thing, brother is a minature version of dad, however, they do seem happy. I think at some point my brother (who's 23) will possibly rebel and he knows he is always welcome at our house, anytime. My stepdad is medically retired so Mum says they have to eat at set times because of his tablets, but it was exactly the same beforehand. Mum and me get on better now than possibly we ever have done and she couldn't do enough for me for our wedding. However when they come to stay over at ours, they just bring their routine with them, right down to the cornflakes.
It's funny to hear someone say I've been through so much as I don't really feel that I have. I suppose it was just the norm to me.... a secret norm though! It could be because my life is really on a par now though. I have a truly lovely husband who is such a real gem, a nice house, we live in a lovely village, we have great friends. My husbands from a large close knit family and we see them often. I live far enough away from mine that we see them about 4/5 times a year. Close enough that we can go for the day if we want too, but far enough to make it enough of a journey. xx
-
Hey... don't thank me, anyone would say the same :)
I know what you mean about not realising you have been through anything, it always sounds bad when you read someone else's personal story. Yet most of us have been through awful things ourselves. I think keeping it secret is what makes it seem that way. You get so used to hiding it that you start to think it really is nothing. I am so glad things are good for you now and you seem to be healing.
((((()))))
-
Your story was an honor to read. Thank you. Made me think how there was a lonely child in England, and on this side of the pond, another. If only all hurt children could feel how much compassion there is for them. Hopefully they'll find their way, one day, to safe places where they can tell their stories (like here). Story is life. I'm so glad you have reached a happy chapter. You sound so kind, in that you've forgiven your Mum and see her with compassion and even some humor now. But I am sure when you were little there was nothing funny about the way treated you.
I sometimes think one thing that characterizes many lonely, hurt chidren when they are adults is that they/we have such an enormous capacity to appreciate loving and nurturing behavior when we do find it. When it's not assumed, it can feel like an amazing discovery, a blessing. We can be so surprised by love in our lives that we magnify it, pass it on.
Thanks again for the telling.
Hopalong
-
I sometimes think one thing that characterizes many lonely, hurt chidren when they are adults is that they/we have such an enormous capacity to appreciate loving and nurturing behavior when we do find it. When it's not assumed, it can feel like an amazing discovery, a blessing. We can be so surprised by love in our lives that we magnify it, pass it on.
Oh Hopalong, I feel this is so true. From what has happened I don't take my husband for granted in the slightest and fully appreciate my friends.
I don't see the point in blaming Mum. It stemmed from bio dad anyway. She had this beautiful new baby and a lovely husband and I was her past, her horrible N-ex husband staring back at her everyday. While I know her behaviour was inappropriate and I wasn't responsible in any way, I do understand now it wasn't an easy situation and that also I'm far better off out of it. If I had to chose between being me or my brother, I would pick me straight away. However, I can't say I have forgiven her either and I do still sometimes feel very angry towards her and towards bio dad. While I understand the reasons for it, I still don't understand how she could do what she did. If I look at some of my husband's neices and nephews, or my friends children, I couldn't imagine ever treating them the way she treated me.
For many years I've said I'd like to adopt because I feel there are so many hurt and unwanted, unloved children, that if we could take one in and make their life better. Treat them how they so deserve to be treated. xx
-
You can adopt ME! :o My inner child is still hungry as a Hoover for love.
Thanks, I'll consider myself a happy little child in a village now.
Hopalong
-
Consider your inner child adopted Hopalong. Visualisation is a very powerful aid, so I'd like you to try and visualise this. I'm hugging her at this moment. She's a beautiful, bright little girl with such a lovely smile. We're sitting together under a tree in our local park and she's sitting on my lap with me. The sun is shining, highlighting her hair and I'm telling her what a lovely girl she is. I know people have hurt her but I'm telling her that it was not her fault, she deserves to be loved unconditionally and deserves to have people respect her.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((big hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
-
Oh, man, y'all made me cry at work.
Good thing my door is shut.
THANK YOU. :? :) :D
-
She will always have my love and protection. She is seeking yours too, so when you're ready and completely in your own time, come and sit with us under our tree, hug us and tell her what a fab little girl she is and how much she's loved too.
-
Hi NPDdad,
sleeping on Mum's floor because they had filled my room up with junk.
That is terrible and so cruel. Like showing you your place in the world. It seems that it is not just dad who is an N, but mom has severe problems too.
Something I'd never told anyone.
This is a BIG step, and a must for letting go of the past. Congratulations on getting that out. Know that you are heard and understood here.
Actually I find it a bit uncomfortable to address you by NPDdad, since it somehow sticks to label of NPD onto you, however indirectly. :lol: You were not rambling, but recounting some very painful memories. I am really glad that you shared with Hugs to you.
I sometimes think one thing that characterizes many lonely, hurt chidren when they are adults is that they/we have such an enormous capacity to appreciate loving and nurturing behavior when we do find it.
How true! My eyes still well up at the smallest acts of kindness.
Marta
-
I'd been thinking the very same thing as Marta about calling you NPDDad!
(YOU deserve to be adopted...by a happy new name, imho...)
Or maybe you're
Never Pushed Down--Dad1...there, I like that one.
:P
-
I don't see the point in blaming Mum. It stemmed from bio dad anyway. She had this beautiful new baby and a lovely husband and I was her past, her horrible N-ex husband staring back at her everyday. While I know her behaviour was inappropriate and I wasn't responsible in any way, I do understand now it wasn't an easy situation and that also I'm far better off out of it. If I had to chose between being me or my brother, I would pick me straight away. However, I can't say I have forgiven her either and I do still sometimes feel very angry towards her and towards bio dad. While I understand the reasons for it, I still don't understand how she could do what she did.
Thank you NPDDAD for telling your story. Even though anonymous, it's still not easy and it helps us all. Your experience was horrible. You have found a way to have a nice life, anyway. That is a tribute to your resilience and strength.
I have a bone to pick with you however, about blaming her! If you mean that there is no use in confronting her or trying to get her to apologise, I agree. But I do think she was at fault. You were not a 'horrible past' - you were a young child, a beautiful bud of humanity who deserved love and happiness. She had the responsibility to look after you - not just food, but your emotional health. To give you love, as it has been scientifically proven babies need in order to thrive. If your stepdad tried to stand up to her on your behalf, what and who exactly was making it so 'difficult' for her? Your existence was difficult for her? That is just plain wrong.
There are probably more things you will remember as you go along. I'm glad you have a good husband to tell them to, as well as us. Welcome to the community.
Plucky
-
Thank you all for your lovely words and for listening but most of all thank you for not judging.
I took on board your thoughts about my name so I feel that Healing&Hopeful is quite appropriate…. H&H for short!
Marta…. It’s interesting to see your take on the sleeping on the floor. A couple of years after I left they knocked my old room and my brother’s into one so he could have a larger room. The odd times that I have needed to stay, I’ve had to sleep on the floor. I’ve suggested in the past that I could maybe have my brother’s bed and he sleep on the floor, just once, but this was poo poo’d and why should he give up his bed. Luckily we’re always welcome at one of my friend’s who lives in the next village to them and she is more than happy for us to stay. However, when my parent’s and brother stay at ours what do they get, ah yes, my parents get our room with the en-suite, we sleep in our spare room and my brother in the little bedroom. This is mainly because my dad is medically retired though and has trouble walking so the en-suite is a big help for him, plus he doesn’t have to walk up and down stairs much which is quite painful for him.
Plucky…. I do agree with what you say about blaming her. I don’t really understand it because as a baby and a small child, she was very loving…. As far as I can remember, non of it started until my brother was born when I was 7.
One thing I would really like to ask you all though is this, do you ever feel that what you remember isn’t real? That there’s a possibility that you just made it up or something, that it’s just in your head?
LoveNhugs
H&Hxx
-
Would you like to kind of meet my dad? This is a website that he posts on. Because we don't talk anymore, I keep looking at this to see what he's up too. His username is Supermalc
http://forum.dawncraftowners.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1262
-
Hi H&H,
Cool name! :lol:
I introduced myself to supermalc, but he trashes artists and thinks he is always right, so we may not have much in common. :lol:
Marta
-
It's funny.... when you realise what narcisstic is, you can sometimes see it so clearly Marta!
I don't think you'd have much in common with him hon.
-
One thing I would really like to ask you all though is this, do you ever feel that what you remember isn’t real? That there’s a possibility that you just made it up or something, that it’s just in your head?
Hi, H&H, welcome to the board. I have the same question, as I feel I have similar, "false memories" or imagined memories. And whenever people recall things from our joint past, their versions always seem to be more detailed and completely different from my own. I am always suprised as people's recall for things during childhood. Until I began to study nursing, I had no idea that one could actually recall so well, things that happened at say 12 or 15. My memories are either not real (according to others) or completely different from my family's (mom, sister, brothers). I've tried not to obsess about it, but now that you've mentioned it, what do you think is up with that?!
Take care
Tiffany
-
Hi Tiffany
I can relate... a few years ago I was talking with a friend from school. She was with me the day I left Mum's to move to bio dad's. I knew me and Mum had had a blazing row, but I couldn't remember what over. She told me that it was because I sneaked my jeans out to wear (I was 17!). She saw the full extent of what my Mum was like that day. Mum's anger was unreal. My memories are patchy at best.
I never reminise with my parents. From what I know she's never got angry again since I left, so no surprise she didn't want me back. However my dad and brother do exactly what she wants. She oversteps my brothers boundaries too. Just recently me and my brother have been organising my mum and stepdad's wedding anniversary. We were emailing each other to sort out arrangements and he sent me an e-mail... a few minutes later I'd got another one where he apologised for sending the first but Mum had just walked into his room. I feel that as he's a 23 year old man, surely she should knock before she walks in? His room is like a little boys and there's no pictures of girls around, he's still got a single bed! He gets up, goes to work and comes home. I don't think he has any friends and he never goes out. Just sits in front on the TV in his slippers the same as my stepdad.
But then on the other hand my brother enables her too. Again coming back to their wedding anniversary, we booked a table and organised family to meet. All this was a surprise to them, they knew they were going out but thought they were going somewhere different and it was just them, us and my brother. I'd bought table confetti, balloons and a banner which I sent to my brother to take to the restaurant so they could dress the table up. He conveniently "forgot" and said they could be put up at home, so I said why don't you ring the restaurant in the morning to see if you can still take them? After all, that is what I bought them for. The only reason I couldn't take them myself was because I live an hour and a half drive away. He didn't bother and told Mum who said that it was much better to put them up at home as she'd get to see them for longer. I said she would have been able to take them with her after the meal anyway! Straight away though she sticks up for my brother and then wanders why he's got no confidence! Another example is the meal.... we had our meal and had sorted out champagne for everyone. I said that we should have a little toast for the champagne and to thank everyone for coming, and that really my brother should do it because he booked the place and it was his idea. Plus I do feel it's more of a man thing to give a speech. Well after 5 mins of talking about what to say, he then was adamant that he wasn't going to stand up and say it. Straight away Mum's there at me, "Well, you're the eldest". sticking up for him. I was so sick of it, I just got up and said a few words. Blooming pathetic, but you've got to laugh haven't you?
Sorry all, I appear to have rambled and gone totally off track!!! Anyway back to the original question.... I don't know why. Because I had to spend so much time in my room, I spent an awful lot of time reading. It was my escapism and as a teenager I used to read about 3 books a week, sometimes more. My bio dad bought me a stereo, which I thought was brilliant at the time. However looking back I think he bought me it more to get up Mum's nose than as a present for me. I could only listen to it with headphones on so I used to sit there with my headphones and reading. She still complained about the noise from the headphones but there wasn't much I could do about that. Maybe I spent so much time reading and in another place, that I don't remember what was real?
Your thoughts?
H&H xx
-
Writing so much is not necessarily NPD.
For you it is finally having a voice!
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I'm sorry you went through such horrible stuff. Your mother was (is?) N. She reminds me of my Nmother's description of her mother. The timing for meals. The specific clothes. The forced eating. The specific food.
The meal time situation you shared was triggering to me for some reason. I don't remember this ever happening to me but I've had flashes of something like this. So I wonder, did it ever happen?
My brothers' version of our childhood are completely different from mine that is except one brother who knows I was abused by my Nparents and Nbrother. He doesn't know about the abuse outside my home and my bioNfather. It is kind of like we grew up in two different families. Used to make me angry and upset but now I have accepted that our memories of our family will ALWAYS conflict. I don't have any contact with my family now. No one writes or calls or emails me which is completely find with me. :D
-
Hi H&H
I find myself relating to you on a couple of different levels. We have the same brother. and this whole lack of recall during major points in your life is bugging me, too! I was also an escapist. Very bookish as a kid at home or at the library, but quite spunky at school. I loved school. It was where I felt I learned everything I needed to know about life, my teachers were my mothers, the principals were the disciplinarians, I even had relationships with the lunch ladies and janitors.
H & H maybe the toughest of our memories have been repressed in order to create some kind of livable place for us in the world. Maybe it's a defense mechanism that keeps us from going nutty with the worst of things. That dreamlike state our memories live in may feel like deja vu or a strong notion or a lucid dream. The brain is AMAZING. Sometimes I think it may be a gift that some of us just forget or possibly block certain things as not to lose it completely. Just a thought.
Your mom sounds Nish with the lack of boundaries, and the behind the scenes controlling of your brother, that's left him spineless and castrated, (I'm really speaking of my own brother, here). Supporting him in his weakness and putting the pressure on you to cover for him, that's seems classic to me. I've been reading some psychology stuff lately that brings forth the unresolved Oedipus complex, (where boys between ages 3 and 6 mete out the frustration of not being able to have their mother's sexually) as reasons why men grow up to behave this way, and I'm learning that N's are kind of incestuous the way they "love" their kids. Just another thougt.
Tiffany
-
Thank you Sallyingforth and Tiffany.
Sallyforth... I just really hope it didn't happen to you, more than you can possibly imagine. (((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))
My Mum definitely has quite serious N tendencies, however I don't think she is full blown NDP whereas my bio dad is. I say this because Mum has apologised in the past (although it didn't seem very heartfelt but it was an apology all the same), not about the anger or hitting because I've never raised that with her, but about supporting my brother to go to college, whereas I had to go out and work. I didn't have the option to go to college. Also she does think of other people, like the elderly neighbours next to them and she also worries alot, like when we told them we're going to Thailand for our honeymoon.
Tiffany... I too was often at the library, at least once a week. I remember when she felt she had to tell me about the birds and the bees, she couldn't do it so she got a book from the library under my name and gave me it to read. I suppose that is more than some parents though. Are you in any therapy Tiffany? I'm not and I do agree with you that the brain is amazing and that we block certain things, but I have learnt the hard way too. After I left home, I looked for love and more than that, a safeness in the wrong places. I made some silly decisions and I hurt quite a few people, however I did learn from my errors otherwise I wouldn't be with who I'm with now and living the life I live now which all in all, is pretty good. The love and safeness I was craving I now have with my husband and our home. I do feel like I have a home instead of just somewhere to live, if that makes any sense. Little things that I think most people take for granted but I really appreciate.
I did smile about the spineless and castrated.... I've never heard of the Oedipus complex so am going to read up on it over the next couple of days.
Thanks for all your thoughts and replies
Take care
H&H xx
-
Hey Double H,
Actually, I'm terrified of going to therapy although, I probably should be in therapy. I'm afraid that either I'll become too dependent on my therapist and create yet another unhealthy relationship or that I will uncover/discover things about my past and present that will annihilate my psyche. I've chosen however to educate myself on all things NPD, narcissism, toxic relationships, controlling personalities, developmental psychology etc. Currently I'm reading, People of the Lie by Peck and Think Like a Shrink by Rosen, he talks about the Oedipus complex and N parent/child relationships. There are tons of other good references on this board. Reading has always calmed me and allowed me to gain that all too important thing called PERSPECTIVE. Reading saved my health, maybe my life.
Other things we have in common: supportive hubby and loving in-laws, and that special "birds and bees" talk being deferred to reading material. I'll never forget it, it was a paper booklet called "A Doctor Talks to 9-12 year olds about sex." I kept it until it was torn, ratty, and disintergrating, (not sure why...)
I do feel like I have a home instead of just somewhere to live, if that makes any sense. Little things that I think most people take for granted but I really appreciate.
I understand this totally, HH, and I wish all the best for you,
Tiffany
-
Thank you Sallyingforth and Tiffany.
Sallyforth... I just really hope it didn't happen to you, more than you can possibly imagine. (((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))
My Mum definitely has quite serious N tendencies, however I don't think she is full blown NDP whereas my bio dad is. I say this because Mum has apologised in the past (although it didn't seem very heartfelt but it was an apology all the same), not about the anger or hitting because I've never raised that with her, but about supporting my brother to go to college, whereas I had to go out and work.
H&H xx
H&H,
Worst stuff happened besides the weird food stuff which I already do remember and the systematic, daily abuse by my Nparents and Nbrother. I was sexually, physically, mentally and spiritually abused and tortured by my bioNfather. Let's just say, he's sadistic, that's putting it mildly.
I do remember weird clothes ideas my Nmother had. She wanted me to dress in provocative clothes. I kept asking if the mini skirts she picked out were too short. She insisited they weren't. I was always dressed in the lastest style, keeping up with the Joneses, because my Nmother also has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I laughed when I read the Psychoanalytical Description of OCPD, Anal Retentive. S*#@! That's my mother! :eek: She'd be measuring my skirts and dresses to make sure they were within the acceptable range. I remember kneeling down on a chair and she get out her tape measure. If had my way I would have worn something about an inch to two inches longer. This is both NPD and OCPD together. For me, it was crazy making, because on the other hand she didn't want me to be more beautiful, more intelligent, etc. than her. Yet here she is dressing me up a certain way so that I would stand out. I never did stand out except for my prom dance. I remember her being so proud of the long velvet skirt she made me for my prom dance. It had a provocative twist to it. It buttoned down to my mid thigh and then was open with a huge slit down to the floor on both sides. This was 1971 and I was dressed like a hooker! :shock: The top was even more revealing. Got to wonder what she was thinking. Warped, very warped. :shock:
My Nmother also apologized to me. It was definitely not genuine and I knew it. She said, "I did the best I could." She didn't even say I'm sorry. She's never apologized for the systematic, daily emotional and mental abuse she, my father and brother all perpetrated on me. Why? It didn't happen. Only one other brother knows it happened. Everyone else is doesn't believe that little bit of teasing teasing hurt me. Minimalization: N's are experts at that.
My Nmother did the best that she chose to do. Period.
-
Sally hon.... to me your post shows what an incredible person you are, a real tough cookie. At least now you can choose your own clothes and wear exactly what you want. With me, trousers were an absolute no no.... girls don't wear trousers, so I was dressed in pretty much the same clothes as her. I remember she made me this hot pink knee length skirt... god it was hideous even in the 80's. Always with a blouse.... I looked like a teenager dressed like a 40 year old. Nice! Well done for getting away from such an unhealthy environment and I truly hope you have the joy and love in your life that you deserve.
Tiffany... as I've only just started delving into NPD, personality disorders and such like, I'm not very well read on the subjects yet, but like you I like to read to educate myself. I've read The Road Less Travelled and because I've only read up on NPD in the last couple of weeks, have read a fair amount of stuff on the internet. I'm amazed how much we have in common. I've been debating whether to go into therapy, but I think that as my life is pretty much ok, that the past is probably better off being left where it is.
-
I've been debating whether to go into therapy, but I think that as my life is pretty much ok, that the past is probably better off being left where it is.
H&H, I think going solo may just be your way. I am especially impressed that what brings you to this board is not desperation or a trauma, like most of us, but you come here at a time which is bringing stability and health to your life. To me, this is a sign that you are able to face your demons even without having to go through roller coasters, and the fact that you have found a partner who's good and sane is another sign that you are on the right track. Keep goin'!
-
Marta... it's interesting what you say. What brings me to this board is a desperation, but not for me. Part of me would love to have children and I'm so scared that I will treat them the way I was treated, even though I know it was wrong. This is my desperation, to learn so I can change and if we are able to have children, then they will benefit. My husband knows that I long to adopt too.
Through a lot of my life I've been very lucky... I've got friends who thought I was worth sticking with, and once I'd left home their parents used to make me up food parcels when I couldn't afford food (it's quite ironic really that it was beans on toast which nbiodad told me to leave, yet I lived on that about 3 times a week!), allowed me into their family circle where I could see what it's supposed to be like, I had a boss who mothered me in a way when I needed it, helped me. Men is a different matter... I did meet a lot of guys who were no good for me, one being an alcoholic who ran me up hundreds of pounds worth of sex line calls, then preceded to tell me that someone had tapped into the line (there were only us and one other neighbour!) and that the world did not revolve around me. And still I stayed for another 6 months. Lovely guy-Not! Or the other thing was I didn't stick around long enough as I didn't want to get attached. I am the worlds biggest optimist and always try to look for the good in everyone, but this is probably a reaction to my n-biodad's negativity which I don't feel is a bad thing.
-
H&H,
We make life defining changes in two ways. Either because we are brought to our knees and can't take another step from where we are at, it is this gut wrenching do or die kind of pain, or because we wish to move away from darkness towards sunshine. Usually many of us start with the former, and end up at some stage in our recovery with the latter. From what I see you are in the latter category, that is what I meant. How sweet about your friends!
-
Dear H & H,
You inspire me very much. I really do think we can "feel" who a person is by reading what they write. I just want to say I think you would make a wonderful, wonderful mother if that's what you want to do. You are warm, gentle, very alert to what would be hurtful behavior, and have an enormous capacity to love. You have a powerful attitude of gratitude, and that gets turned on children. (They would feel without any doubt at all how much you love them!) I know from the incredibly kind post you wrote to me when I mentioned the love-hungry child inside me that you would treat your own children exactly the same way.
I don't think you can fake this kindness. Just keep on moving that warm light around until you also feel its compassionate warmth aimed directly into yourself. Then I think you're ready for motherhood, and I think you could be ready tomorrow.
Hopalong
-
Thank you so much!!!!
-
Hi Hopalong,
Reading your story reminded me of some incidents in my childhood related to food and clothing. Not pretty memories. I remember sitting in front of a bowl of cold, slimy oatmeal with that film on it that oatmeal gets when it congeals. The raisins had been cooked with the oatmeal and they had blown up to the size of marbles. They looked like eyeballs and were also cold. I had tears running down my face as I just couldn't choke it down, but M wouldn't let me leave the table until I did. I always "cleaned my plate" if that was required, so I wasn't being rebellious--just had a visceral reaction to the horrid oatmeal. I guess I must have finally eaten it, but that's a memory that is missing some details. I've just started eating oatmeal (never cold) by choice the last few years.
You won't be like your mother when you have children because you will be so aware of how parents can cause their children pain. You might have to fight the tendency to be too lenient, at least I do/did, as a reaction to the harshness you experienced. On the plus side, I'm very aware of my childrens' feelings and consciously try to validate them. There have been very occasional times when I've "blown it" with them and yelled or said something I wish I hadn't (mostly when exhausted), but I always apologize. I tell them I love them every day. Even my adult boys tell me they love me at the end of every phone call or visit. My oldest once wrote in a card to me that he always knew, growing up, that I acted in his best interests. (I kept the card--definitely a keeper.)
It always amazes me that my children share so much with me. If something is really bothering them, they tell me about it. They know I'll listen and will take them seriously. That's not to say its been a bed of roses. One of my children has mental illness, and she has/was extremely difficult. But, her illness is biologically based and I don't feel responsible for it.
You will be a great mother! Please don't deprive yourself of that because of how your parents treated you. That gives them way too much power.
Gail
-
Hi Gail,
You meant H & H, not Hopalong.
I think it's triumphant you can enjoy oatmeal.
Hopalong
-
Hi Gail
I think there's too many H's with me and Hopalong :lol:
I'm so sorry to hear about your experience with Porridge. I used to find that my throat used to seize up, I'd try and swallow quicker, eat quicker but I just couldn't.
Thank you so much for what you've said about children... I can tell you are a great mother, so caring and loving and it really does give me great hope.
Take care
H&Hxx
-
Reading your story reminded me of some incidents in my childhood related to food and clothing. Not pretty memories. I remember sitting in front of a bowl of cold, slimy oatmeal with that film on it that oatmeal gets when it congeals. The raisins had been cooked with the oatmeal and they had blown up to the size of marbles. They looked like eyeballs and were also cold. I had tears running down my face as I just couldn't choke it down, but M wouldn't let me leave the table until I did. I always "cleaned my plate" if that was required, so I wasn't being rebellious--just had a visceral reaction to the horrid oatmeal. I guess I must have finally eaten it, but that's a memory that is missing some details. I've just started eating oatmeal (never cold) by choice the last few years.
Actually this has just triggered an odd memory with me... I can't remember too much but I can remember having to eat really really soggy cornflakes. They were like complete mush.