Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: October on October 25, 2005, 10:21:03 AM
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Very often when people start to post on this board they are suffering from extreme pain. They express relief to have found this place, and may even feel better for a while, but the pain has not gone away.
Then when they read responses, it is difficult to have an objective view of what is actually said. It is soooooo easy to read into a positive or humourous or even a supportive message something of cruelty or betrayal, because that is all that they - I - have ever known. Then sometimes the only possible response is one of extreme pain. Sometimes when we are in pain we cannot help kicking out; it is not intended to hurt, but sometimes it does. Sensible people understand that, and there are a lot of sensible people here, who can accept that this happens, especially with new posters.
The only way to learn that this place is safe is to post here. The only way to learn that actually the people here are not the perpetrators, nor rescuers, but allies, is to trust them enough to let them post replies to what we say. That involves taking a huge risk, and laying oneself open to rejection. It is very hard to post here. I know that. Sometimes I can't do it for weeks and weeks. Pretty well always I approach a thread that I have started, and think I am sure someone is going to say, get a life, or grow up or something. But that never happens. I get words of reassurance, and of love. It never gets easy to post, but it does get easier.
I am not going to mention names, or direct this to any one poster, because I don't think it applies just to one person. I think it is about me, most of all.
But to anyone in this kind of pain, can I just say, you are not alone any more. Unless you choose to be. (((((safe hugs)))))
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((((((((((((((((grouphug)))))))))))))))))))
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(((((((((((((((group hug))))))))))))))))))))))
:D
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October, I have just been taught something about maturity.
I am so glad you wrote what you did, and am moved by the Big Love in it.
I echo you, in a poor imitation, but that's definitely good steering.
You have an ooooooold soul.
thank you.
Hopalong
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October: what a love you are! Thanks for sharing such kindness here.
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Hi October,
It is soooooo easy to read into a positive or humourous or even a supportive message something of cruelty or betrayal, because that is all that they - I - have ever known.
Having had one or two, how shall I put it, misunderstandings with people here myself, I'd just like to say that I believe when people have a row, as you Brits call it, and make up they can be better friends than they were before. :D Maybe because they understand each other better.
Or maybe especially because we're used to having misunderstandings with people who can't or won't make it right.
mud
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Ummm,
My post above was written before I read the assorted locked threads.
Not too sure I would say anything differently, but hope I didn't offend anyone inadvertantly.
mud
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Extreme pain is not enough to try to express how I feel.
Having my words to help create a healthier place turned against me is the most horrifying thing that can be thought about...
Given my family past in Poland… I am disgusted.
Some will understand.
I thought I had found a safe place here and obviously it is not.
It’s enough to read the humorous tone of some messages, now. Like they feel they have “won”.
As someone said, it’s really : Screw you -- Now come and give me a hug.
Typical N.
ben.
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Ben
I'm new to this board too and to be honest, I really don't understand why you are so angry with certain people on this board.
I really hope that Richard Grossman helps you. xx
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It's a long story that I am not willing to share.
I guess I trusted too much this place.
The good thing is that I know now about my gift and it's a new life for me.
I thank deeply those who have been supportive and/or helped me discover this thing within me.
I just ignore the others.
I leave b/c I do not feel any trust anymore.
And I am not gonna waste my time playing games with the little girls.
Good bye to everyone.
ben
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I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe one day you can work through your pain and feel happy to share with us.
Take care xx
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YEs, I am sorry too Ben. I wish you would trust us and talk a little. I have sent you a private message, but if you feel this isn't the time for help then so be it.
Tkae care
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Whatever it is, whoever has hurt....(it might not be intentional).
Don't give up.
Strength with you.
Hopalong
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October,
Thank you for your kind words. I find starting a post nearly impossible, but will respond to others if I have something to offer. There is always a personal risk involved, but hopefully whatever is said can be received in the spirit in which it was delivered. Most of us are survivors of mistreatment of many dimensions. How we react to words addressed to us personally, or to the group at large, can be manifested very differently. Most of us have been hurt or distressed by something someone has said on this board, but hopefully we can get beyond it and once again be souls on a somewhat common journey to peace and contentment.
Brigid
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Extreme pain is not enough to try to express how I feel.
Having my words to help create a healthier place turned against me is the most horrifying thing that can be thought about...
Given my family past in Poland… I am disgusted.
Some will understand.
I thought I had found a safe place here and obviously it is not.
It’s enough to read the humorous tone of some messages, now. Like they feel they have “won”.
As someone said, it’s really : Screw you -- Now come and give me a hug.
Typical N.
ben.
I am very pleased that you are still posting, Ben.
I can hear the pain, even if you cannot find words that are strong enough. Who can, after all? There are no words strong enough to explain, or bad enough to describe the b*stards who hurt you, and from the sound of it are still hurting you, in your life. (I am not talking about anyone here, btw.)
If this place really is not safe enough for you, then I understand, and respect your right to make that decision. But I hope that you can still read sometimes, and perhaps in time find safety, either here or elsewhere. You deserve safety, and you deserve peace.
Maybe it would help you to remember that each one of us is the same as you, in some ways, and very different in others. None of us is perfect, and none of us is healed enough to laugh at anyone else. There is a time and a place for that, but perhaps we need to be sensitive to your need to be taken seriously, and not made to feel uncomfortable. If that is what you need, then maybe we can do that. But I would hate you to feel that you cannot be safe here, where so many of us find the only safety that we know.
Are you receiving any help with the depression you are dealing with, or are you on your own with it at present? It sounds pretty bad. I know that word is not enough, but I don't have any others. I call it 'walking through the Valley of the Shadow', when talking about myself. But maybe that sounds trite to some people, I don't know. There are no words which are enough, so we have to hear what is written between the words and between the lines. And that is what people here can do for you, if you give us a chance.
Peace be with you.
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Ben,
I wanted to write in response to this obviously painful situation you are going through, hopefully you are still reading.
I'm not sure what has upset you, but I can recall a post that I read in the Harassment string that I thought might cause some pain. The exact words escape me now, but I beleive that it said something along the lines of "being too self absorbed." When I read it, I immediately wondered if the comment was covertly being directed to your post or was it just meant as a personal reflection of the poster (the post has since disappeared from the board).
Your reaction is one I have experienced many times. Did it feel like an underhanded slap in the face for opening your heart and showing your vulnerability and pain? I could totally see how it could and it may well have been meant in that way. I don't know. I wasn't the poster. But in reading the post and as one who has reacted this way all too often in the past, I could also give the "offender" the benefit of the doubt. I could believe (if I choose to) that the poster meant no harm to me whatsoever and was simply reflecting on his/her own issue or personal thoughts. In my experience, it works to my advantage in the long run when I give the percieved offender the benefit of the doubt. Taking it personally only serves to increase my pain and anger and many times, I have come to find out later, that I was wrong in my initial perception.
Looking at it from another angle, as a newby to this board only months ago, I have posted reply comments that I did not put much thought into and upon reflection realized that they may not have taken into consideration how the reader might be impacted. I have been particularly guilty of not recognizing someone's sensitivity to an issue and responding cavalierly. I did not do it intentionally but it could have been perceived that way by others.
So I have been on both sides of this issue. I give some folks the benefit of the doubt and maybe they give me the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully it works out in the end. Communication is wrought with pitfalls, but as we strive to navigate more carefully, we can learn so much. Taking a breather from the board is not a bad idea. I've done it and came to find that I learn more from reading than posting.
Maybe I'm way off the mark here, but I wanted to share these thoughts with you for whatever validation they may provide.
CeeMee
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...
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Most of us have been hurt or distressed by something someone has said on this board, but hopefully we can get beyond it and once again be souls on a somewhat common journey to peace and contentment.
Just resposting this as imo it is very wise October. Worth repeating.
:D Sela
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Most of us have been hurt or distressed by something someone has said on this board, but hopefully we can get beyond it and once again be souls on a somewhat common journey to peace and contentment.
Just resposting this as imo it is very wise October. Worth repeating.
:D Sela
The N in me loves to be noticed, for whatever reason. But the other part prefers credit where it is due. This was a quote from Brigid. :D
(And I am grateful for other people who have said nice things. I just don't know how to say thank you without sounding either dismissive or - erm - whatever the opposite is. But thank you.)
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Hahahahahaha!!! Like Alph, I killllllll me!! I swear I have to laugh or I'd be crying my entire life over the stupid things I do! Sorry but take the compliment anyhow October, even if you didn't say it, you've said equally worth repeating/wise stuff and at least you quote correctly (as far as I can see anyhow 8)), unlike really, really mixed up me.
Brigid, sorry I gave your credit to October. Let me try again......that was really wise and worth repeating, what you said!
Man o' man talk about causing distress!! I could easily do that to myself, as you can see. Thank goodness for people's patience.
:oops: :oops:Sela
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So I am wondering if he is right, and I am an abusive person, after all. And then the ground shifts from under me, and I lose myself again.
October, EVERYBODY gets told that they are abusive by someone or the other in their lives. Even Jesus, Buddha, and Gandhi had to face that.
For the voiceless, it means viewing this kind of feedback in the correct perspective. At most, I see you losing your temper when you are faced with a wall. Is that abusive? No. You have never abused me, even when I disagreed with you, so why woul you abuse a doctor? Why? I just don't see you as an abusive person, in fact one of the gentler souls on this board.
Abusers always shift the responsibility and portray the victim to be the abuser. Please don't buy into the crap and hang on to your perspective. As for nurse, I can see how difficult it must have been for you to face her and answer cold and clinical questions about an issue whih affected you so personally. Don't let her get to you, pleeeeeeeese. I love you for who I have known you to be, and think of you as a very sweet person.
Hugs, Marta
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At most, I see you losing your temper when you are faced with a wall. Is that abusive? No. You have never abused me, even when I disagreed with you, so why woul you abuse a doctor? Why? I just don't see you as an abusive person, in fact one of the gentler souls on this board.
Hugs, Marta
What lovely words to read!! Thank you so much, Marta. It is sometimes difficult to see the person other people project onto me sometimes, when it so obviously is not me. But this one is very lovely, and I very much hope and wish it is true. Some part of me can recognise this, because I hate cruelty, and I hate to be mean to anyone. There is always another side, if you try to find it, even when someone is saying something difficult.
Thanks again. ((((((hugs))))))
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October,
Maybe you're a sweet and gentle soul who sometimes gets frustrated and pissed off and even makes mistakes in how she responds to people.
Return to baseline. You are a sweet and gentle soul. And you are allowed to make mistakes.
Simple apologies when needed were invented for just this purpose. What hurts folks who have been so hurt is we don't know we can make mistakes and then simply apologize...but WHILE apologizing, in the very same instant keep on loving ourselves thoroughly and without letup. Staying in our own embrace, maintaining loving arms around our own selves, while we simply acknowledge a screwup. Staying there, self-love a steady warmth.
I struggle with this too. Like a finger's in the dike and behind that ... shame. But I catch on that much of the rest of humanity says to themselves, oh look, a screwup. Wash the dish, correct the screwup, and look, there's a bicycle...kind of like that. Mistakes are just events. In a series of events that make up time. They're just events.
I don't know if I'm making sense, back pain pills, but I think as well as sweet and gentle you're also way more powerful than your shame.
Love,
Hopascrewsup
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Whoops, I posted Dr. Evil post under the wrong thread, but glad to know that it reached the right person. :lol: :lol: :lol: