Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: seasons on November 02, 2005, 10:15:57 AM
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seasons, why are you mad at yourself? You did a great job of holding your boundaries! You even unplugged the phones to make sure that you didn't have to put up with either your sister's self-centered behavior or her attempts to "hoover" you back into "your role" as her adoring fan (in her mind anyway :x). Who says you "should" have to tell her to go take a hike? There are lots of ways to communicate and enforce your boundaries. Personally I think she is way more likely to get this boundary by what you did than weeks of you telling her to take a hike. If she were capable of hearing that, she would have heard it by now. I think you know this on some level and did what was truly effective, rather than what you tell yourself you "should" do. Good for you!
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Hiya hon
I know exactly how you feel. I used to go out in the car, drive down a quiet lane and scream my head off where no one could hear me, let all that frustration out.
Did you notice you said "She is at the point that she doesn't even try to hide hurt complete dissregard for me as a person." Hurt instead of her.... I felt that this said a lot.
Your damned if you do and your damned if you don't with N's.... I really don't have an answer, I wish I did, but the only way to deal is to keep stum and listen, but then you never get anywhere and the conversation never moved on.
At least your off the phone now and you don't have to speak to her until next time.
Take care
H&H xx
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You have got to distance yourself from this woman permanently. The only reason I think you would be mad at yourself is for putting yourself in that environment. It's maddening. I used to have a friend like this, and she made me feel like shit. Draining. Make a pact with yourself to get rid of her and you won't have to go through that again. Life is too short. Surround yourself with people who lift you up. Surround yourself with positive people. No room for the likes of her.
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Hi Seasons,
Your sister is one of those people who is unequipped to listen to anyone she has a permanent relationship with. she has to work a little harder at pretending to listen to her "friends". This means giving someone else their "turn" to talk while she smiles and nods and waits for her "turn". With family members she doesn't have to do this (to their way of thinking). This is why it is confusing for family members because we think "gee, she can shut up when she's with her friends, why not with me? See, she has the ability..." No, she doesn't. She won't change. This is the change in ourselves--realizing they don't change.
My brother used to get me on the phone and then do stuff on his desk, interrupt himself, etc. It was infuriating. I don't know why he felt he had to do this except to make himself feel important. As I think back on it now, I think he was using me on the other end of the line to pose for people at work. Weird.
I agree with your choice simply to hang up vs. telling her off. It's just easier and she's not going to listen anyway. I suspect you and I are the kind who think they have to keep trying with family members who blow us off. We don't have to. If we choose to, then we need to recognize that choice. I kept very minimal contact with my brother during his fully *insecure N it's all about him* stage. He's still N in a major way but I'm also acting more adult around him these days. He also has a lot of respect for my H, which helps.
I think you would have been mad at yourself if you told her off, for letting her get to you, for feeling like you lost control. If you continue contact, you will have another opportunity (nice thing about Ns--they're so predictable!) to handle things the way you like. I have a few times, with difficult people who persist in twisting reality, told the person on the other end of the phone, "I'm not having this conversation and I'm going to hang up now." Then I hang up. Just like I would with a telephone salesperson selling me something I don't want. Sell it somewhere else. I'm not buying. Period.
Try it, you'll like it! :) MP
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Hi seasons,
be angry but not at yourself!
You have made a great first step, disconnecting your phone from her. The next step, if you choose to take it, would be to disconnect your feelings from her. That would be very beneficial.
You expect her to provoke you and she does. You think about the best way to respond and you feel you cannot respond in a way that satisfies your anger. Because your sister is a master at mind games with no integrity, and you are not, nor do you want to be.
The whole situation does require your participation.
If you withdraw, she will not have you to torment.
Plucky
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Hey, Seasons. Can you see what happened? Step out of your feelings for a minute and as unemotionally as possible (as if it were someone else) take a look at it.
I think when you do, you will no longer be angry at yourself, and you can see whose negative energy that really is.
Don't carry it anymore. You are not the one in pain. It's not yours. Let your sister own it.
You did that by hanging up. Now do it in your own body by letting it out of you (good job saying it out loud!!) and sending it back to her....then go have fun.
Sure it's easier said than done....but it's a choice. Your sister is a wreck...you don't need to be. Can't fix her, and it's doubtful she can fix herself....but you sure as heck can't do it for her, and allowing her to leave you in this state of pain each time you have contact only prolongs her own issues. So stop wishing for a relationship with a fantasy sister, and take your ball and go find some healthy friends.
Shut the lid on the S**T receptacle. You are no longer her trash bin.
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Scream away!
You did good.
Set those boundaries....