Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Chicken on November 10, 2005, 05:37:04 PM
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I am not sure where I am going with this, but I want to develop strength in an area in my life where I feel like my inner critic gets the better of me.
I am not sure what this inner critic is saying, it's more of a feeling rather than anything. It's a feeling that gets the better of me every time. I wish I could focus and do what I want to do but this inner critic doesn't let me.
Is there anyway I can develop some kind of strength to overthrow this critic? Is there such a thing as an inner warrior that I can find in me to take over? I have tried various relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, affirmations etc etc etc... those things make me panic even more and have never worked for me.
I am sure I could face this inner critic if i knew who it was, and what it was saying, but I don't know what it's about... or how I can confront it.
Who are our inner critics? A voice from the past? How do you get rid of them? My inner critic cripples me and ruins my chances!
I can't help but feel I need to tackle it on a subconscious level, the same way I do with my inner struggles regarding my abusive boyfriends etc, i feel like I have to go way down to the depths and do the work down there. But I am at a loss where to start as nothing makes sense... also it doesn't cause me mass pain so I have nothing to point me in the right direction
Does anyone have any ideas or stories or insights?
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I don't have many ideas... just to say that I have an inner critic too! I think most people have, the problem seems to come if your inner critic has too loud a voice! Mine is always holding me back, or casuing me worry.
I suppose I am sympathising more than anything... I suppose a good way to start would be to try and think about what in your pst had made you feel unworthy? Could that have triggered your inner critic?
Just a couple of thoughts ...
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This is a story more than anything, and I don't even know if it will help.
I have a really hard time telling people what I want. I get almost this panicky feeling inside over something quite silly, like saying, "I just would rather do something else." It's like the inner critic is saying if I do assert myself that way, then something terrible will happen, or that I don't deserve to have my needs considered as important as the other person's. I stopped and asked myself if there was anything in my childhood that would cause those feelings to continue so long.
I have this memory of telling my mother that I didn't want to go to some sort of public performance of my brother's. I don't remember if I was sick, or worn out, or had a school project, but that's not something I would normally have done. And I think I was in elementary school. She told me I was selfish and slapped me. A zipper flew up and hit my face, causing my nose to bleed There was no apology, just continued haranguing. My mother was not typically physically abusive. I only remember three spankings and this one slap during my entire childhood, but that memory really stuck. (And I certainly lost my voice, which caused me great harm in other situations.) So, I think that is why I have this almost visceral reaction to telling someone I don't want to do something.
Now that I've made that connection, I'm hoping I can somehow overcome my reflexive feelings when I'm trying to communicate that I'd prefer not to do something. Maybe getting key memories out of the subconscious and into awareness will make a difference when dealing with that inner critic.
Gail
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Selkie,
I have struggled with that inner critic for a lifetime, too. It's easy to figure out where it came from since all my father ever did was criticize me. Once he wasn't around to do it on a regular basis, I took over the job.
I think so much of this gets better when you learn how to love yourself and recognize and appreciate what great things you have to offer. I have always had a very difficult time accepting compliments and believing those giving them were being sincere. Of late, I have really made a cognitive effort to listen to and absorb those compliments, believe in them and be thankful for them without offering excuses, apologies or feeling unworthy. It does take effort, but gets easier with each time you try.
I think one thing that has helped me a lot is to find a new activity to get involved with where I have been able to feel accomplished and others praise me as well. Somehow at my age, starting something new and feeling good about it has been a real ego booster. Maybe you have a buried interest or passion (music, art, sporting activity, craft???) that you could venture into right now. What have you got to lose? You are independent and free and can create the future you now want to have without having to consider some parasite significant other. Maybe just something to invigorate you to quiet that inner critic and give you new purpose and drive. Just a thought . . .
Hugs,
Brigid
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Thanks for the support Cadbury, and yes, my inner critic is very loud and very destructive.
Thanks Gail, I guess my inner critic comes from a feeling of worthlessness. Loss of confidence. Low self esteem etc... messages I got when I was a young one. I wonder if I can turn this around, and if so, how? or is this a cross I must bear?
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I think one thing that has helped me a lot is to find a new activity to get involved with where I have been able to feel accomplished and others praise me as well. Somehow at my age, starting something new and feeling good about it has been a real ego booster. Maybe you have a buried interest or passion (music, art, sporting activity, craft???) that you could venture into right now. What have you got to lose?
Brigid, I have an intense passion for what I do. I have such a drive to succeed in my chosen field... unfortunately this is where my inner critic resides... in my greatest love. I will keep hacking away at it, but I feel like my inner critic holds the key to my creative freedom. I wouldn't mind the critic so much if I didn't care so much, but I care about this and it's destroying it for me. I still get by and stuff, but it's a serious struggle.
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I always knew I had an inner critic, but I have been working hard at ignoring it! This mostly involves having discussions with myself. It sounds weird, but sometimes talking to myself as if I am my own best friend helps...
I think a big eye-opener for me was that I realised the other day that whenever people do anything for me I feel this terible guilt. I never really enjoiy myself if someone looks after the children for me as I am too busy feeling guilty that someone is doing sonething for me. Then I noticed that my best friend (my real one LOL) never feels guilty when people do things for her. After giving it much thought, I decided that the difference comes from the fact that she is happy to say "no" when people ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, whereas I find it almost impossible to do. This means that at some level I assume that other people can't say no to me and so may be helpign me without actually wanting to. It was only seeing her happily say no that I realised that was even an option.
I am not much better at it yet, but I have managed to say no a couple of times now when I have been unable to help someone. Normally I would say yes and then struggle to do what I have volunteered to do..
I have no idea if that helped... I am so tired I am not htinking straight! I will re-read this tomorrow and change it if it needs it!
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The Inner Critic:
Accepting Ourselves
by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist, 2002
Do you feel like you're your worst critic? Do you find yourself criticizing your body, intelligence, clothes, ability to do your job, and just about anything about yourself? We all have that voice inside, the one that can take anything about ourselves or something that we did and make it into something terribly wrong or bad.
Some people have stronger inner critics than others, but most people at one time in their lives have struggled to believe positive things that are said about them, and to ward off internal criticisms.
Many events conspire to make us question and criticize ourselves. From the little things to the big things, there are lots of people who knowingly and unknowingly put us down. Family members, peers, teachers, and religious leaders can all play a role even if they they think they're helping us.
Parents often try and correct the "problems" they think they see in us, and say all kinds of things in an attempt to "fix" us. They let us know their concerns about our looks, body, hair, clothes, the way we walk and talk, and so on. All of these accumulate to make us feel less than adequate, less than whole, less than what we "should" be.
Overt and covert criticisms, emotional, physical and sexual abuse, and bullying all lead to our internalizing negative beliefs. They leave us feeling hurt and ashamed, sometimes hating everything about ourselves. While overt abuse certainly leads to the creation of an inner critic, so do many other, often more subtle, forms of criticism.
The inner critic can lead to all sorts of problems including low self-esteem, self injurious behaviour, eating disorders, avoiding situations that require us to be the centre of attention or to shine, and feeling like we are profoundly unlovable and unwanted.
The Inner Critic was Formed to Help You
The inner critic was originally formed to help you, to help you avoid pain and shame. The thinking goes like this: "if I create within myself a voice that is just like my parents, and anyone else I want to please, I can more easily know what they want from me, how they want me to be, and I can more easily avoid their disapproval and ultimately win their approval and love."
The inner critic wants us to do well, to succeed, and to be liked, but operates on the thinking level of a child, and a child who thinks that what other people think of her/him is not only important but correct.
In order to do its job properly, the inner critic needed to curb your natural inclinations, and to make you acceptable to others by criticizing and correcting your behaviour before other people could criticize and reject you. In this way, it reasoned, it could earn love and protection for you as well as save you much shame and hurt. (Stone and Stone, 1993)
The problem is the inner critic doesn't know when to stop. It may grow until it is out of control and criticizes you on a regular basis causing some real damage. The inner critic can make you feel awful about yourself. With the inner critic watching, you begin to watch your every step, you become self-conscious, awkward and ever fearful of making a mistake.
Recognizing and Separating From the Inner Critic
The first step in reducing the power of the inner critic is to recognize when it's speaking and to separate from it. You are not your inner critic, it is a part of you, but it is not who you are. When you are able to separate from your inner critic, you are in the part of your self which is sometimes called aware ego, internal witness, higher self, or observing ego.
When you are able to step back, and observe the inner critic, you are separating from it and moving into aware or observing ego. Being in aware ego takes the sting out of the inner critic.
Some ways to get to know and separate from your inner critic include:
Write out all the things that you inner critic says to you at different times of the day, in different situations, and with different people and notice what the patterns are. For example, does your inner critic get stronger when you're tired, hungry, or stressed? If so, taking breaks, unwinding, having snacks, and relaxing can all reduce the power of your inner critic.
If writing out the inner critic's messages leads to your adding more and more criticisms to your list, stop writing and try to step back from being in the inner critic. See if you can simply observe that there is a part of you that thinks this way, and that not all of you thinks this way. You don't need to argue with the inner critic, just be aware of it.
Talk to other people about their inner critic's messages and compare the similarities; you may be surprised to hear that inner critics sound pretty similar from person to person and your inner critic's messages are not specific to you. For some people, doing this would not be helpful and could backfire. If you have a particularly strong inner critic, this could lead to it finding other critical messages to give to you. Again, if this happens, or you suspect it will, don't do it and concentrate on stepping back and being aware of the inner critic as a separate voice or part.
Draw your inner critic. This is not an art project and no one will mark you on this. Drawing the inner critic externalizes it and helps you to separate from it. What or who does the inner critic look like?
Think about when and how your inner critic developed. Does it sound like any one you know?
Write down both of your parents', and anyone else's, critical messages and compare them to your list. Have you adopted any one else's critical messages as your own? Separating from the inner critic can sometimes be accomplished by saying to yourself, "Ah, yes, that's what my mother would have said."
Meditation is very helpful for stepping back and observing the inner critic, and any other part of yourself.
Acknowledging Parts of Yourself That You've Disowned
Inner critics have a tendency to feed on the very aspects of ourselves that we are most uncomfortable with, deny, and disown. For example, if you are uncomfortable with your anger and your critical judgments of other people, tell yourself that you don't feel angry when you do, and think that you are not being mean when you are, your inner critic will rake you over the coals and call you a cruel bitch! If you acknowledge your anger and the reality that sometimes you do think or speak critically of other people, your inner critic has nothing to hit you with.
How we feel about our bodies, or parts of our bodies, can be harder. If you have an inner critic that tells you that you are "fat", you likely don't accept your body as it is and would prefer that you weighed less or looked differently. While it may be hard to accept your body the way it is, you can try acknowledging to yourself that this is your body and this is the way you look with as little judgment as possible.
Some people find it helpful to acknowledge that indeed they do have fat on their body, and so what. For more help with this issue, see my article called, Changing Our Body Image
Becoming aware of and acknowledging all aspects of yourself, including the parts you are not comfortable with, softens the inner critic's power.
Some ways to get to know different aspects of yourself that you disown include:
Think of somebody whom you really dislike, somebody who pushes your emotional buttons, and leaves you feeling self-righteous and superior. Don't pick someone who has abused you. What is it about this person that you judge? Once you figure that out, you've found a disowned aspect of yourself. For example, say you dislike someone because she is needy and wants others to take care of her. You would never want to be like that! That is your disowned self - the needy child who wants others to take care of her/him.
Think about someone you overvalue. This is someone who you not only admire, but someone with whom you feel bad about yourself in comparison. Again you will have found a disowned self. Perhaps, you admire a friend's ability to be rational and in control. You, in contrast, always seem to be emotional and confused. You wish you could be calm, cool, and collected like she is. In fact, around her you may get even more confused and emotional, and have great difficulty pulling your thoughts together. She is showing you a disowned self. You have disowned your own rational, controlled part. (Stone and Stone, 1993)
One of the inner critic's jobs is to criticize your disowned parts, so by acknowledging all of you who you are, you reduce the power of the inner critic.
Dialoguing With The Inner Critic
Dialoguing with an inner critic can be helpful too. The traditional approach to dealing with inner critics is to try and talk them out of what they think, but this can soon become a no- win situation. Even if you manage to prove to an inner critic the error of it's ways, it will simply move on to another thing about you to criticize.
Gently countering the inner critics views can help. But, sometimes it helps more to view the inner critic as another part of yourself who has something of value to say and deserves to be heard and respected. Dialoguing with the inner critic (for example, writing out a conversation between the inner critic and another part of yourself) where you simply listen, ask clarifying questions, understand the inner critic's deeper concerns, offer feedback as you would in any conversation, and negotiate agreements if that fits often softens the inner critic more and has longer lasting results.
The next time you hear a voice inside of you putting you down, take a deep breath, remind yourself it's your inner critic speaking, take a step back, and observe it in action. That may be all you need to do to reduce the impact of the inner critic. You may want to listen for potential disowned parts as well that you can try to acknowledge. For the more we acknowledge all of who we are, and how we can behave, the less powerful the inner critic is, and that is such a relief!
© Kali Munro, 2002.
If you would like to reprint this article on your website, you may, providing you print it in its entirety, credit me, and give a link to my site - www.KaliMunro.com - I'd love to know, too!
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Hi Selkie!
Great topic and article you posted. Thank you!
Have you ever read any books by Julia Cameron? She tells her inner critic to sit in the corner while she works and she will be happy to talk to it after she's done. The Artist's Way and Vein of Gold are wonderful and deal a lot with criticism from inside and out.
My inner critic stems from the fact that whatever I spend my time on that I enjoy isn't worthy of the time spent on it. I was heavily criticized for doing things that were not directly school or work related, like hobbies, art, etc. My brother was allowed to make fun of me when I played piano (so I don't of course). I do persist in the hobbies I enjoy, but need to overcome some guilt about it. I also get panicky of the thought of showing what I produce to anyone, partly because I am afraid of what people would say good or bad, and partly because I am afraid of what they will think of me for spending time on it. Like, don't I have more important things to do? Or, you chose to do that with your time?
I also have a very severe inner critic when it comes to socializing. But I won't bore everyone with all that!!
What's confusing for me is that I didn't use to care so much about what people said or what I thought they might say, but now I do for some reason. I chalk it up to midlife crisis. MP
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Hi Selkie,
The Artists way is a great book.... I have it but every time i try to follow it, I start feeling sick and lose it under my bed or somewhere.... I am now inspired to open it again... Thanks MP... it's kind of like a work book to recovering your creativity.
My inner critic has been hanging around heckling me for my whole life. The thing for me is trying to bring it out in to the open . get to know it, see where it is coming from.... Maybe challenge it, but I have to say I'm not not an expert at that yet. When my inner critic starts, I split from whatever I am doing that is good and destroy it. You are right about the deep subconscious Selkie, thats what drives me certainly. My head is clearly thinking one thing and my emotions cause me to act a completely different way. Even when I am doing someting, I am thinking 'why am I behaving like this.... This is not how I want to be'....
It is in therapy that I am really starting to challenge my inner critic. Even there is is really hard. Sometimes during aa session, my brain will completely switch off. it's like my inner critic will not allow me to hear anything which may facilitate change.
You are doing great on this journey of yours and remaining really focused.
Spyralle x
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Hey MP
Thanks Thanks Thanks! ...for recommending those books! I read "the artists way" a number of years ago but I wasn't ready for it then and kinda stopped half way through, but I am definately going to check it out again. I shall check out her other book too. I really want to concentrate on zapping this negative energy from my creative work... It's my next project. I want to be free of it, it's not me. It's something I picked up in this world but is not part of my being, I don't think my soul really believes those things.
I drew a picture of my inner critic last night!!! I felt like a kid when I was drawing it...I was drawing in it's facial features and expression, i felt myself mimicking them, have you ever seen a kid draw an angry monster?!-and they're growling and teeth gnashing!!... I think it's good to have that drawing as it encourages me to try to separate it from me.
This is a really really difficult task, because there is a huge attachment, and with that attachment, there is a marriage of opinions. It's hard to decipher who's my inner critic, and which part is me believing the inner critic. My beliefs are a bit brainwashed. I always thought I was good at what I do, I know I am, but then I'll uncover a part of me that contradicts that completely. It's all a big mess. A self destructive mess that I know I can sort. I know I can. If I can get to the bottom of my destructive relationships, then I can get to the bottom of this, after all, it is all just a manifestation of the self.
I've been very self destructive all my life... I realise this now.
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Hey Spy!
Thanks for that. The Artist's way... Yeah, it forces you to deal with those demons that get in the way. It's easy to lose or stop reading a book that does that, because those monsters have a huge power over you and it's scary confronting them. I lost my copy too. In fact I think I threw it away as it started making me feel anxious. All self help books had that effect on me a few years ago.
I am so tired of not being in the drivers seat. I am so tired of being controlled and dictated to. I really believe that if you can do the work on yourself, then it will begin to show on the outside, in my world. Since I have started doing this work on myself, ideas are cropping up. People I know are coming to me, out of nowhere, and suggesting really exciting things, projects that we can create, rather than waiting for someone to "choose us". I believe if I continue to grow, and continue this work on my self, so too will these things. If I stop now, these things will be aborted. I know this to be true. I feel like I am on the right path for once and for all. I will see the changes in my world. I just have to keep working on myself.
Spyralle: "Sometimes during aa session, my brain will completely switch off. it's like my inner critic will not allow me to hear anything which may facilitate change. "
Well, is that your inner critic that is switching off, or is it your self in pain? When I was dealing with the painful stuff in counselling a couple of months ago, my brain couldn't keep up, I lost track of what we were talking about, forgot what I was going to say, completely went blank. It was as if the flood gates had been lifted, and what came gushing out, blew me over... but remember, your subconscious mind is lapping it up. I believe it has a greater capacity for taking things in then the conscious mind. You are being cleansed on a deep spiritual level, and your conscious mind sometimes gets lost. I really believe this. It's overwhelming stuff that you are going through. I was where you were in 2000-2002 after my big break up with an first abusive guy who I fell madly in love with, I admire you so much for going through this when it's at it's peak. That is so difficult. It will pass Spyralle and when it does you will soar
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This is such a fascinating thread. As usual, I think I probably don't have much to add (ohhh, that inner critic)
except that: identifying that nasty critical voice/negativity/ bad thoughts........I'm going to lump it all together and call it PAIN
is only one first step, one we all tend to get stuck on. For me, this is the place that I will go round and round with in my head....until I realize "hey, all I have to do with pain now, is let it go". Oh YEAH! I forgot, I can CHOOSE to let it go!!
And then, with my intention set to do so>>>I get to let it go.
Sure, you can't let go of something until you know what it is (that's usually pretty well identified)....AND you have a hold of it (well, I know that cause it hurts!)
Anyway, as I lay in bed at 5 am, thinking about my financial and legal "woes" (one in the same!) it occured to me that I was ruminating again and trying to figure something out that is truly out of my control, especially at 5 am on a Saturday.
And I got this fantastic thought of "HEY, I can let this go if I want to".
YYYYEEEEHAAAWWWW. (cowboy happy yell) And then I couldn't go back to sleep because hey, it's a wonderful day and I get to choose to be happy.
So as far as the inner critic goes (and I'm an artist so I have inner and outer ones).....I get to listen and then I get to shut it up if I choose. LET IT GO.....LET IT BE.....I don't have to figure everything out, I don't have to be someone else's version of perfect......I get to stop thinking and listening if I want to and just go DO something else.
GO HAVE FUN!!!!! Screw that inner critic, say, "I'm not out to hurt anyone.......I have good, loving intentions and I take loving care of others. ENOUGH already!!!"
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well, I just read more of the thread on "revictimizing the victim", and it occured to me that perhaps my last post smacked of Oprah and the same kind of insensitivity. I hope no one was offended. I just get to a point some days where I slap my own face and say: hey, make another choice! Sorry if I sounded like I was slapping anyone else and saying "snap out of it" (not particularly sensitive).
Love you "guys". Have a great day.
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I'm wondering if some people are just more genetically susceptible to having an inner critic. My oldest and youngest children seem to have had more trouble with that then the others. My oldest was really a perfectionist--hated losing at games, etc. He's fine now, but it was a real struggle when he was little as he was awfully hard on himself. It all came from within him, as neither I nor his dad were particularly demanding parents. He was/is gifted, and I don't know if that was a factor.
My littlest one will start in with, "I'm so stupid." etc. (She's not at all stupid, but is the youngest child in her class and it's a challenge for her to stay organized.) I'm trying hard to get her to see that calling herself names is not all that healthy. I told her that she needs to be her best friend, not make herself feel bad. I don't know if I'm handling it the best way or not. I'd sure would have liked to have won this battle many years ago, so really hope my children can learn this lesson at a younger age. We're the only person we're guaranteed to spend a lifetime with, after all!
Gail
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Hi Mum!
That's funny...your inner critic is criticizing you for criticizing--and you weren't criticizing!!! At least, this reader didn't think so. Actually I thought I was the one to step in the cowpie on the Oprah thread. I should know better than to comment on something I didn't see! Talk about invalidating!
BTW I love your posts. So articulate about the underlying feelings of things. And, like, stuff like that.
:D MP
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This is such a fascinating thread. As usual, I think I probably don't have much to add (ohhh, that inner critic)
except that: identifying that nasty critical voice/negativity/ bad thoughts........I'm going to lump it all together and call it PAIN
is only one first step, one we all tend to get stuck on. For me, this is the place that I will go round and round with in my head....until I realize "hey, all I have to do with pain now, is let it go". Oh YEAH! I forgot, I can CHOOSE to let it go!!
And then, with my intention set to do so>>>I get to let it go.
Sure, you can't let go of something until you know what it is (that's usually pretty well identified)....AND you have a hold of it (well, I know that cause it hurts!)
Anyway, as I lay in bed at 5 am, thinking about my financial and legal "woes" (one in the same!) it occured to me that I was ruminating again and trying to figure something out that is truly out of my control, especially at 5 am on a Saturday.
And I got this fantastic thought of "HEY, I can let this go if I want to".
YYYYEEEEHAAAWWWW. (cowboy happy yell) And then I couldn't go back to sleep because hey, it's a wonderful day and I get to choose to be happy.
So as far as the inner critic goes (and I'm an artist so I have inner and outer ones).....I get to listen and then I get to shut it up if I choose. LET IT GO.....LET IT BE.....I don't have to figure everything out, I don't have to be someone else's version of perfect......I get to stop thinking and listening if I want to and just go DO something else.
GO HAVE FUN!!!!! Screw that inner critic, say, "I'm not out to hurt anyone.......I have good, loving intentions and I take loving care of others. ENOUGH already!!!"
I wish I was where you are at Mum, but I am far far from that. I simply am not where i can make a choice or "just let it go". Like I say, it's not a conscious thing, it's an overwhelming feeling that comes over me, and I lose my power, I stumble, I fall, I crumble, I falter... which really gets in the way and takes away my focus. I have no idea why it happens. I lose confidence in myself
This genuinely feels like it is all out of my power right now, which is why I am tackling it. I am going to try to find why I lose my confidence etc, and hopefully some day, I will be able to tell myself to make another choice! It's a little more difficult than that I'm afraid! In fact, I think that was my first tactic long long ago... I told myself to chin up, and practised everything under the planet, nothing has worked which is why I am going down this road...
It's hard to explain...
I'm tired... Good night all
xx
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This genuinely feels like it is all out of my power right now, which is why I am tackling it
Selkie, Such a powerful thing you said!
I know how hard it is, really I do. Because I was there, and am there again with regularity, but perhaps the amount of time I spend "there" (I am assuming we mean in pain) is less and less....and that's just through practice. That's all. Practice. And my life has given me many opportunities to practice this "letting go". (oh, yeah and that Narcissist I had children with!!!!)
And as soon as I've said "today, I get it!" Another piece of sh** comes flying my way and there I am, right there with you, overwhelmed, exhausted, and feeling helpless in a big pile of muck saying "oh crap! I thought I didn't do this anymore....." but I do, can't help it....It's the stuff of being human.
I do, however, refuse to spend any more time beating myself up for being human (ok, I am trying!) and making my way without a road map....I don't say mistakes anymore, because there aren't any, really, just choices. And I can't even really judge my choices anymore, because to do so is to spend my time piling pain upon pain on MYSELF, and as my therapist says: "is it productive for you?" (this is what she helped me see, instead of labeling everything as good or bad).
Anyway, I digress. I mostly wanted to say:
I'm sorry if I sounded (sound) preachy. I have no answers, no map, just my own experience. Life sucks sometimes.
I don't ascribe at all to the "chin up" stuff. My mother used to do that (she had her reasons) and I think it's denial. No, sometimes it's truly chin down, this hurts!!!! So that's where you are at the moment. It's ok to be there.
I will join you shortly, to be sure. Pain is unavoidable. To not feel it is to not be human.
But someday, when you have mired in it enough (and the mucking around is ESSENTIAL I have found, otherwise you don't know enough) you will see a way out.
In the mean time, I'll send you lots of compassion and love and absolutely NO JUDGEMENT at all, plese know this, for we are all each other...our pain is each other's as well as our joy.
You will (because you intend to) learn from this. And you will see it as learning and when it comes your way you will know it hurts and learn anyway. What an incredible being you are. You SEE it. You KNOW it already. You are "tackling" it.
Sending loads and loads of love and peace.
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Thanks for "understanding" my intention, Miss Piggy!! I have a theme song: you know the one "I'm just a soul whose intentions are good....oh, Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood!"
Maybe thats why I am a teacher, and why I write on this board.....I want so much for people to feel love (uh, jeez, wonder why I married an N, huh?) that I bang my head against the wall sometimes with it!
So nice that someone "gets" me! I really appreciate what you said!
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Hi Mum, thanks!
It's interesting you see it as pain... I haven't found the pain in this department yet. For me it's frustration! It's an obstacle that gets in the way of me being able to focus on my piece. I have just 5 minutes to impress in front of a panel of judges. In similar situations in the past I have spent that time, trying to calm myself down, talk to my self, tell myself I am great whilst doing my piece!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine the racket in my head? But by this time it's a losing battle. I have sunk even before I can swim. This happens time and time again. Now, I don't do a bad job everytime, because I do get the job occasionally. I want to be able to be free of this horrible tangle and just be able to have the freedom to be creative without all this shit. It's horrible!
Maybe there is pain somewhere in this equation? To me, it is frustration closer to anger than pain. Anger at myself! But I am interested in the fact that you see it as pain. You see, if it were pain, I feel like I would have somewhere to start...
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Selkie et al,
I do think that at least part of what you are dealing with comes from pain that has yet to be healed. You can't see that now because you haven't gotten to it yet and for now it's just a source of frustration for intruding on your creative juices. As you get further along in therapy and dig deeper into the buried injuries, that pain will break free, hopefully be healed in time and also hopefully free that inner critic. I don't think we can ever totally get rid of it and probably shouldn't, but calm it to the point where it doesn't interfere with our continuing to improve and grow.
Mum, I love so much of how you are handling your issues and don't think for a second that you are being preachy or insensitive. I think that hearing how someone has overcome their struggles with pain, or at least can lessen its impact, is always valuble. Ultimately, we all must find our own path, but it's good to know that the path has a final destination.
The point I have now reached is that of being very grateful for my ex having left me and sending me into a deep and dark hole that I needed to climb out of. I could have gone through the rest of my life in a numb condition where I continued to place my own needs, feelings, passions, and love on a back burner. My ex's abandonment actually allowed me to start feeling--albeit very painful feelings, but now I see that as an improvement over numbness. Now that I am on the other end of the spectrum and feeling such happiness and passion and love, I can truly appreciate how wonderful that is because I have experienced such pain. In other words, feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all.
Sorry to have gone off topic somewhat, but I wanted to send some encouragement to those still working through the pain and to say to not give up working on it. There is a payoff at the end.
Many blessings,
Brigid
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I guess I tend to lump all negative emotions together as "pain" (worry, obsessive concern, fear). Because it hurts me in some way, or keeps me from feeling joy in the present moment.
It is really amazing what our heads will do. I know everybody struggles with this to some extent. I know I do. So do my kids.
My son is an amazing musician, but if his head gets in the way, he can totally blow an audition. I think it might have something to do with attachment.
Anyway, my son has a few friends who weren't really sure they wanted to go to a certain music college, one my son really wants to go to, so those kids auditioned without really caring, and guess what? They did great, and got offered big scholarships.
My son, on the other hand, who cared SOOOO much about it, told me he psyched himself out, and really got scared and didn't feel good about his audition at all. Well, weeks later, he finds out he got offered quite a bit less scholarship money than his friends did. (he did get at least some, though). He will have a chance to audition again, but because he still CARES so much, the fear of blowing it is still in his head. He will go to the school anyway, though, so I am trying to tell him to relax, we will afford it, etc. The person who needs to say this to himself, though, is himself. I'm not doing the audition. I hope he can relax this time and just have fun playing. When he doesn't care, or is confident that it won't matter how he does, he plays beautifully, I've seen him. Maybe it's because when he is on stage he feeds off the audience's energy, I don't know. So circumstances play a part, but the HEAD game seems to be the biggest thing.
I had a presentation to do last week (not a huge one, but one that a lot of money would hang on if my proposal was approved). Granted, it's something I have experience with, so I have a base of confidence with it.
Last year, when I had the same type of proposal, I had this moment right before it, where I said to myself: "what if I don't care so much? What if I decide it's easy and just say THAT to myself" ( instead of: 'they will find me out, I really don't know what I am doing, I don't deserve this'....which would be my tendency).
Not that my passion for what I do would be gone, but what if I wasn't so attached to it going one way or the other? It was very freeing for me to think this way. Then I decided to say to myself, repeatedly: "This is not hard, this is easy! So very simple and easy." I remember thinking that it was either hard or easy in MY HEAD....because I knew pretty much what I was doing, and I thought, "why shouldn't I be one of those people who is competent and cool headed and not worried?" So, in a way, I just ACTED like it was easy...and it was!! Sort of like the phrase "fake it until you make it" or like "Whistle a happy Tune" from the King and I...
My nephew is a race car driver and does pretty well. My brother (his dad) told me that my nephew says he envisions every turn (it's "road" racing) before it even happens. I don't know if this is something psychic or not, but my own son told me that on the auditions he has done very well on, he envisioned it going soooo well beforehand. I know there is some literature on this in sports, and other areas. I guess it falls under things like "future visioning" "creative visualization" etc. Worth loooking into?
However, it almost seems counter to what I know keeps me happy and that is being "present" and in the NOW. I guess it's a balancing game. You envision your sunny future life, then you come back to present and are grateful for what it wonderful now. As opposed to envisioning disaster, because lets' face it, we get to think whatever we want. I'd prefer to spend my thought energy on a wonderful, peaceful, successful future than a negative one.... because my thoughts are my own.
So in a way, there is a choice right there.
I don't know if any of this helps.....I wish you well.
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Hello Mum,
I used to really blow speaking presentations. I was so childish about it. I was really putting myself down by blowing it. It didn't help that I didn't believe in the products I was presenting.
Later, I had a chance to talk publicly about something I really cared about. I was really intimidated by the crowd that would be there. So I read Public Speaking for Dummies and it really helped. Something I remember, that might help your son, is that people really want the speakers to do well. No one wants to see anyone fail. Another thing I learned is that I can tell myself that I would be helping the audience because they will feel more comfortable if I did well (vs. cringing).
A different trick for your son to help him forget the context of audition is to think of honoring the music and forgetting about the evaluation. In other words, the music is auditioning, not him. He is simply the conduit or escort of music. I know these are all tricks but I hope one might help him. After all, the goal is to enhance the music world with his gifts and those of his teachers and fellow students.
One last thing that I learned from the book at least in speaking is to connect emotionally with your audience in the first minute or so. That is, if you can state one thing you all have in common and feel strongly about, then people are "with" you. I don't know how you would do that with music except through your selection and playing. Maybe your son will have some ideas.
Keep us posted. We're cheering for him! MP