Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on November 24, 2005, 09:56:17 PM
-
Hi guys,
Humor is SO variable and what tickles the goose might not tickle the gander but what the heck, when something funny pops along...why not? Could be nice to have a goofy thread to look at when we need a lift. So here's my attempt to write a joke:
Question: How many Ns does it take to change a lighbulb?
Answer: None. How dare you ask? We ARE the source of all light and never need to change.
:shock:
Hopalong
-
ok, here's one for the artists among us:
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twelve: six to hold the wall, two to light the oven and four to ride the giraffe.
-
:P :lol: :lol:
more, more, anybody!
-
ok, it's you and me, Hoppy. This one is sexist (sorry) but funny....as most humor is based on insincerity, I'll risk it: (told to me by a 7th grader):
How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who cares, damnit!!!!
-
tee hee hee!
(I wouldn't bug you by posting my :lol: :lol: :lol: every time somebody puts up a joke, but trust me, I'm a cheap laugh and enjoy EVERYTHING!) We'll just see what happens...if the thread fizzles that's okay too. There's plenty of humor around.
thanks!
Hopalong
-
How could I resist a thread like this?
Ok.....now this one is a bit tastelss and it does contain an "f" word....so be warned:
The chili taster
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas: "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, about the same as usual, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to rip over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
:D Sela
-
thank you thank you hee hee HEEEEEEEE!
:P
-
One more.......
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by
themselves.The lad asked, "What is this, father?"The father
(having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what
it is."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an
old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.The walls
opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman
stepped out.The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go
get your mother."
Have a great week end all!!
:D Sela
-
OMG SELA! I'm dying here...like Frank. Where do you get these? You are either the funniest person on the planet or you are mainlining some seriously hilarious sources. (my daughter keeps asking me to stop snorting!!!!)
-
ROFLMAO Sela that Chili Contest joke is the best I've ever heard! Thank I needed that one! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
-
Love it :D
Narcissist telephoning her shrink to cancel an appointment:
“Doctor, it’s about your appointment with me next week….”
How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
“Today’s subliminal thought is……………………”
-
hahahaha P :D
Thanks
Thanks to All of You...
I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rats in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(EDT) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!
-
HAAAAAAAAH!
Oooo-hoooo heee heee! :P :lol: :lol:
:lol:
That last paragraph would make a LOVELY bit to just paste in every one of those dumb things and Return to Sender....
:) Thanks!
-
I think what is missing here is the bottom of the ocean series. You know, what do you call a 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
What do you call 1000 Narcissists at the bottom of the ocean?
-
The Continental Fault.
??
:)
-
Posted by: Sallying Forth
I think what is missing here is the bottom of the ocean series. You know, what do you call a 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
What do you call 1000 Narcissists at the bottom of the ocean?
Posted by: Hopalong
The Continental Fault.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
That's a good one Hopalong!
-
What do you call a 1000 Narcissists in outer space?
A black hole.