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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: genuine on December 05, 2005, 05:32:49 AM

Title: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: genuine on December 05, 2005, 05:32:49 AM

Hi everyone

I got this letter from my cousin today dec 5. She typed it up and signed it. I'll leave my comments in blue so you can better understand where I am coming from. It was typed in november but I believe she sent it near my 30th Birthday (dec 12) to dampen this important milestone for me.

November 2005

My dear ***

I can't believe that the months have passed when I attempted to see you and failed.

Leaving my nparents home and moving in with my boyfriend back in 2003, I learnt I couldn't trust any of my relatives as information would filter back to my immediate family. My cousin is a gossiper and has abused my trust in the past. She lives out of town but when she visits her parents down here she likes to find out the latest and convey it to everyone else. She tried to visit me without notice to catch me off guard in 2004. I didn't open my door when she attempted to see me twice in one day. 1st time she  tried to unlock the screen door, there is a hole in the screen and I heard her fumble to open the door. I happened to be sitting on my front steps the 2nd time. I saw her coming from the road and was in no mood to converse with her by force so I got up walked into my apartment and closed the door behind me. I felt harrassed. Another day she came past with her mum, my auntie disrespectfully banging on my bedroom windows

I have tried so long to put the right words on paper but discovered that there probably isn't any so I am sorry if this letter is not welcome or even difficult for you to read but at least I know in my heart that I made an attempt. You cannot believe the shock, hurt and disbelief I felt when you didn't open the door to my mum and me and the time when you just got up from the step and walked into your unit and shut the door, we certainly didn't deserve that especially when all we have done is support you from day one.

Her mum, my auntie is a nasty piece of work. When I first rang her in tears, because I had left my abusive parents behind me, she said she couldn't see me because she was worried how my dad who is her brother was going to react. He wouldn't have done anything to his sister, it was just an excuse on her behalf because she wanted to stay in his good books. Then she has the nerve to come over and bang on my windows because I ignored her daughter. She didn't have a problem coming over THEN did she? I saw her true colours that day. They have been gossiping about me for years. Their so called support was nothing special, a few phone calls from my auntie and my cousin came over once in the beginning to be nosy. She sure had a big smile on her face that day, I think she enjoyed my situation

I understand that you may not want anything to do with your family any more and that you are living your life but I cannot accept what you did, especially when you saw me coming and you just casually got up and went into your unit without a word. That was cowardly and I never took you for a coward.

I know her game, by calling me a coward she thinks if she insults me enough that I'll respond to her letter which I won't. My cousin can't handle being ignored. My boyfriend's junkie brother tried to do something similar when he came knocking once. We wouldn't open the door and he yelled out "I think she cut off your balls and fried them". He thought he could get my man to come out by insulting his girlfriend and his very masculinity

I was only sorry that my children witnessed it and then I had to tell them a lie. I mean how could I tell them the truth?

This goes to show how low my cousin is, using her kids as a guilt trip. She lost face. Of course she had to lie to her children, she shouldn't have kept returning knowing full well the first time she knocked I wasn't going to open the door. I don't know about anyone else here on this forum, but I wouldn't try to force someone to see me

It's my fault cause I should have never brought them with us in the car but I was stupid and naive into thinking that maybe the 1st time you were sleeping and the 2nd time I'd be welcome. My mum was concerned cause she had been trying to call and said something about not being able to get through thus our visit.

The TV was blaring, my boyfriend and I didn't disguise the fact we were walking around etc. she knew I wasn't sleeping. Her mum only called once and the only thing SHE was concerned about was the fact her precious daughter was being snubbed

I don't know what the problem is *** but I thought you would know by now that my mum and I don't run to the relatives when we hear something about you. Her phone calls have always been between you and her, she may see your mum but she doesn't tell her anything. As for me I've learnt from my mistakes and would certainly not jeopardize the friendship I thought we had and I certainly wouldn't let my mum get hurt in the process.

I know her too well, she does the opposite of what she typed. She and her mum talk about everyone, nothing is sacred. Funny at how I supposedly hurt her mum's feelings, when her mum lives 15 minutes away and couldn't get off her arse to come and see me when I first moved out. When she does come its with her daughter to harrass me and bang on my windows

I feel very angry that you decided to just end our friendship without even consulting me about it.

did we have a contract? lol I can just imagine: you give me information and I in turn gossip this is non negotiable

The only thing I can say is that I am glad that you are alive that I know and that's all I care about, what else is going on or happening *** I don't care. If the truth is that you don't want to do anything with the family anymore then hey that's your decision but why do all the innocent ones and the ones that genuinely care be included in that group? I ask you this one question.

Innocent yeah right. She caused me such grief a couple of years ago. I have an anxiety disorder and once when I was around my brother's place, he had argued with his wife and gone out..and his wife spent the whole night telling me and a friend of hers there that night that she was going to leave my brother and take half of his money. I got so worked up and anxious cause she is a draining narcissist that I ended up having a panic attack. I emailed my cousin (who I thought I could confide and trust in) to let off steam about my nsister-in-law and what did she do? when she was visiting her parents down here she asked another cousin of ours about the state of my brother's marriage and named me as her source and in turn it was reported back to my brother who made my life hell as I was still living at home with mum and dad. I apologised to my sister-in-law cause I admit I was wrong in disclosing this incident to my cousin, but when she was raving on about leaving my brother, she didn't care who knew that night. Anyway my intention when emailing my cousin at the time was to let off steam about my panic attack, the relevance of the argument bringing it on. So I just want to convey how much trouble she caused for me and then she turns around and calls herself innocent

As this may be the last opportunity I have to communicate with you, I wish you to be happy and healthy and certainly have no more pain. I hope you achieve what you want out of life, I do mean that, I am just sorry that I will not have the opportunity to be proud enough to witness all those wonderful moments.

your Cousin ***

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: Portia on December 05, 2005, 06:50:25 AM

Hey Genuine :D

This letter goes into the pack of most N “It’s all about meeeeee!” pieces of crap masquerading as communication I’ve seen for a while. Wow! I could feel my bullshit-detector go off the dial.

I love your responses, here. She can’t take being ignored? Good.

This takes the biscuit:
I feel very angry that you decided to just end our friendship without even consulting me about it.

Hahahahahahahhahahaha!  :D Soooo much empathy there about you huh? NOT. Boy she hasn’t spent one second thinking about how you are.

Maybe it deserves just a short note back to her, maybe on a little ‘Thank you’ card with flowers or cuddly kittens on it? And the note could be: “Thank you for your letter. I’m sorry that you are angry but you are correct; I have ended our friendship. I will not write to you again.”

Happy birthday for 12th December! Happy 30th your-life-is-your-own birthday!

How do you feel now? Still angry?

Just one more:
I am just sorry that I will not have the opportunity to be proud enough to witness all those wonderful moments.

I’m sooooo sorry that she’s sorry – for herself!!!!  :shock: And her lost opportunities for *pride*.  :x Big deal. Who cares? Sheeesh these people. Thanks for sharing this sick-bucket stuff. It helps to remind us what some folks are like.

((((((Genuine))))))

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: genuine on December 05, 2005, 07:26:16 AM

Thanks for your support Portia, love your name. At first I felt like responding, but I know its what she wants, good idea though about the "Thank you" card. I just know ignoring her will drive her nuts lol. She has been stewing over this for about a year now BECAUSE I ignored her. Thanks for the Birthday Wishes as well :) I love coming here to confide because you guys are the nicest bunch of people. I'm not angry anymore, just annoyed that my cousin was vindictive enough to insult me so close to my birthday. Love genuine

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: Portia on December 05, 2005, 07:51:29 AM

Hi again, about her doing this close to your birthday: do you think it’s because she has the date on her calendar and has thought – “Hmmm I don’t want to send Genuine a card so I’ll take the opportunity to tell my side of the story, then I’m free of any responsibility and the ball’s in her court.” ?

So she gets all this off her chest, feels much better and expects you to capitulate and get in touch? Then she can be all magnanimous and grandiose in *her* forgiveness of you?

Maybe this:

As this may be the last opportunity I have to communicate with you,

is a warning that if you don’t respond, she will stop communicating!  :D And you won’t get a card from the most-wonderful she! She probably can’t imagine anything worse than being cut-off by her and that’s what she’s doing; she’s taking the power back and saying she’s dumping you (even though you’ve already dumped her). Possible?

It must be hell to live with a brain that works like that, constantly having to get the upper hand to survive.

I’m not sure she would think she’s being vindictive – what she writes may be actually how she sees the world and those events. She will probably be on tenterhooks now, expecting you to respond and when you don’t….someone will be a target for a wee narcissistic rage. But it can’t be you!  :D

Ignoring is a great strategy; not caring about anything they do is perhaps the goal!

Take care, P

PS. Genuine, what I forgot to say about her being vindictive – it’s not about her really trying to hurt you – it’s about her image of herself. She’s trying to get the upper hand in her mind so that she feels better. It’s probably less about you and more about her perception of herself.

I guess she can’t imagine how you really feel - and if you don’t let her know, she has no-one to play with.

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: Plucky on December 05, 2005, 12:19:16 PM

Hi Genuine,
it sounds like you already know what to do for your ex cousin.  She and her mother sounds like a real piece of work.  She lies to her children, lies to you, tries to force herself into your life,  betrays trust, gosspis, etc.  and tries to blame the whole thing on you!

Thank goodness that she has promised not to contact you again!   She won't keep it, by the way.

Plucky

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: write on December 05, 2005, 12:29:06 PM

hmmm, I think if I were responding I would be tempted to answer this as though it were entirely genuine 'thanks for that etc, you have a nice life too' type thing!

It's probably best ignored though, too much drama...

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: miss piggy on December 05, 2005, 01:12:42 PM

Hello Genuine!

Happy Birthday!!!  :D

woohoo!  I got a note like this from my most flamboyant N once.  Your cousin sounds just like my SIL.  Maybe we're related!  Her favorite tactic was to drop in unannounced.  She did it to everybody.  Esp since she was biologically incapable of being alone and in her own company.  Her note to me said "our door is always open to you..."  I laughed and finished the sentence "...for another heaping helping of abuse!"  Sure!  Thank you for that.

Your aunt was smiling because she saw a sick opportunity in the situation.  This was such "bad treatment" of them by you that they now can look like the victims.  I see through this BS now when people like your aunt tell about such episodes.  Like, gosh, I guess she didn't want to see you, didn't you know that?  I guess the only thing I might have done differently (now that I'm stronger) is to state my position at the curb with "I don't want to see you.   I am not going to have any conversation with you about my family.  I don't have to explain why.  Goodbye."   But you basically did that nonverbally.  I tell my Ds when they have to stand their ground "it might not be 'nice' but it's necessary."  If these invasive people don't have a clue, they never will.  They just want to spray people with their sticky string to keep them in their web.  They cannot stand being left out or being ignored.  Banging on your bedrooms windows?  Wow.

Imagine a foghorn going off in the distance. This is your stupid cousin's voice sounding off, waiting for her noise to bounce back and tell her that there is an object there in her world.  When no noise bounces back, she realizes there is a void, an emptiness, where you once stood to provide an echo.  This freaks Ns out when they don't hear the echo.  I would not respond to this letter.  Just burn it.  For your own peace of mind.

I think sane people have a need to live in reality and speak the truth.  When confronted with a pack of lies, we yearn to set the record straight.  This was my hook for a long time.  Now I just let these whackos spout off because that's what they do, what they live for.  I do marvel at their ability, appetite and talent for distortion.  They have to write these fictions to keep the sky blue in their world.  Let them have it.  Buh-bye.

OK, so that's done.  I feel cleansed.  I hope you do too.  Go get yourself a big goopy birthday cupcake and get going with your life! 
Hugs, MP

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: genuine on December 05, 2005, 03:27:26 PM

Quote from: Portia on December 05, 2005, 07:51:29 AM

do you think it’s because she has the date on her calendar and has thought – “Hmmm I don’t want to send Genuine a card so I’ll take the opportunity to tell my side of the story, then I’m free of any responsibility and the ball’s in her court.” ?

I wouldn't be surprised, she actually keeps a birthday book. Once she pulled it out and read all the names and I swear she had just about every auntie, uncle, cousin relative etc. in there. I think she just wanted to have the last word.

Quote from: Portia on December 05, 2005, 07:51:29 AM

So she gets all this off her chest, feels much better and expects you to capitulate and get in touch? Then she can be all magnanimous and grandiose in *her* forgiveness of you?

Yeah I share the same perceptions. It was to make HER feel better about the situation.

Quote from: Portia on December 05, 2005, 07:51:29 AM

Maybe this:

As this may be the last opportunity I have to communicate with you,

is a warning that if you don’t respond, she will stop communicating!  :D And you won’t get a card from the most-wonderful she! She probably can’t imagine anything worse than being cut-off by her and that’s what she’s doing; she’s taking the power back and saying she’s dumping you (even though you’ve already dumped her). Possible?

Yeah she is depending on the fact I used to idolise and look up to her, cause she is my older cousin and I was her favourite out of all the other cousins. When I was younger, she liked to get all authoritative on me, parental even a few times.

Quote from: Portia on December 05, 2005, 07:51:29 AM

She’s trying to get the upper hand in her mind so that she feels better. It’s probably less about you and more about her perception of herself.

I totally agree[/font]

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: genuine on December 05, 2005, 03:40:48 PM

Spot on Plucky, every word you said and you know what? I don't think I'll hear the last from her either. She will do what the rest of the family does, continually harrass me. I'll keep you guys posted if I hear from the righteous one again. Love genuine

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: genuine on December 05, 2005, 03:48:10 PM

Quote from: write on December 05, 2005, 12:29:06 PM

It's probably best ignored though, too much drama...

Yeah write its too much bother for me, I'll leave her to her drama. She has always been melodramatic!

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: genuine on December 05, 2005, 04:05:39 PM

Hi miss piggy thank you !!!

oh God you have a narcisstic sister-in-law too? my brothers married the biggest b**ches and plus my future sister-in-law is exactly like them. So I have three to contend with, well not anymore cause I cut them out off my life phew!

Believe me I wanted to say something when she started walking up towards me but I know by now once you converse with a narcissist it never ends. Plus when she tried knocking on my door those times, she would stand there for like 15 minutes and just yell personal stuff out like "no one knows that I'm here". I live in an apartment and my neighbours would have heard her. In fact she asked one of them if they knew me and whether I was home.

Oh yum you got me thinking about cake now hehe Love genuine

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: write on December 05, 2005, 10:25:43 PM

you know one of the biggest things I have realised this year- that not all relationships work, many don't and it's not my responsibility!

I have spent so many years tying myself in knots trying to understand people, trying to be 'all things to all people', hoping one day I'll find the key to my family I guess...

The letter says so much about your cousin- and given what you say about her mother, no wonder- but you cannot free her from that, only yourself.

Maybe in some ways she is genuine, and recognises her role in these family games? Plus she lost a genuine admirer too...
I feel sorry for her.

But happy for you- you can detach!

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: Sela on December 07, 2005, 12:12:47 AM

Hi Genuine:

Even just looking at this in the simplest terms:

Your cousin did something very mean by sending that letter in time for your birthday.  Shows how MUCH she cares for YOU.

Belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY GENUINE!!!  HOPE IT WAS GOOD regardless!!

She was taking control of the situation....had all the power....said exactly what she wanted to.

Then........you.....took that power away.......took control away.....and hit her where it hurts most:

YOU....ignored her.....did not engage.......did not respond!

EVEN.......when she came trapsing to your home and tried to humiliate you into letting her in!!

YOU.......ignored her......did not engage........did not respond!

Way to go!  Her efforts to control.....reign power over you with HER opinion.......were useless....
because YOU made them so.

Good for you!  You didn't respond to her accusations, her lies, her manipulations, her twisted version of reality, her rudeness, her disrespect.....any of it!!

She might as well have written that letter to a brick wall......for all she knows.

And you (smart girl) came here, instead, for support!!  You did the exact right thing, imo.

She isn't worth the ink you'd waste on and inch of paper or the breath of one word.   She wouldn't compute or hear anyway.  Her head looks tooooooo fullllllll of herrrrrrrrrrr version of things.......and she seems only interested in causing more chaos.

( 8) 8) 8) Way to go Genuine!!!!!  She'll have to look elsewhere for that stuff eh?)

 :D Sela

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: Marta on December 07, 2005, 01:05:50 AM

Hi Genuine,

Agree with everyone and especially Sela. How mean to send this letter in time for your birthday! I too would NOT respond, not even a casual card etc. As you know, Ns love attention, even negative attention. So she is sure to be back for more if you give her some.

She is obviouly pushing all the familar buttons. IGNORE her. With Sela again, not worth your paper and ink.

Hugs, Marta

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: genuine on December 07, 2005, 05:06:15 AM

Hi write, Sela and Marta,

Thanks for your support guys, it means alot to me.

Write, spot on about my cousin losing a genuine admirer. I used to look up to her and respect her and now she knows I no longer do. It must be killing her inside. Her letter reminded me of a letter my toxic future mother-in-law sent to us some months back. She did the same thing, act as if she didn't know what the problem was.

Sela thank you!! I love the snazzy html My Birthday hasn't arrived yet, its on the 12th, in a couple of days time but her letter arrived too close to my liking lol. Its like she typed it up in november and I can picture her monitoring the days on her calendar so she could send it off during the last week of my 20's.

Sorry if I sound so melodramatic guys but coming from an abusive family I didn't get to experience much joy during my 20's, the only light of happiness being that I met my soulmate and he has stuck by me ever since, so thats why I am making such a big deal out of this milestone. I'll never get my 20's back and I have been in a contemplative mood lately, reassessing my life and thinking of where I want to be in another 10 years.

Other people get to plan a party with family etc. and I have been cheated out of so many things by my family that I feel that I just have to get past this last hurt and I can start a new fresh life at 30. By the time I'm 40 celebrating my next milestone, I picture myself with my own little family by then, and things will be much different. Its only been 2 years since I left my parents home and I'm still healing. Deprogramming!

Sela I took back the control girl, thanks for the encouragement!

Marta how perceptive "Ns love attention, even negative attention" thats sooo true. By not engaging and supplying the narccisist they will have to find their feed elsewhere muhahahahaha

Love genuine

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: Sela on December 08, 2005, 07:37:41 PM

Quote

My Birthday hasn't arrived yet, its on the 12th

Woooooooooooops!!  Sorry Genuine!!

Let me rephrase that, please:

Premature HAPPY BIRTHDAY Greetings, Genuine...enjoy, regardless!!

 :D :D :D Sela

Title: Re: Letter Narcisstic Cousin sent me
Post by: write on December 08, 2005, 11:01:09 PM

I look at a lot of things in sort-of tribal terms lately.
Why some people felt they had to exert such control even malevolently...to compensate or cover up their own inadequacies.

And certainly there are loads of communities where the people haven't yet realised they can walk away and join the 21 st century of choice ideology.

I suspect those people who deny choice are going to be the most vehemently opposed to open ideas like therapy/ personal growth/ setting boundaries....

and the most abusive in trying to contain their people and keep control.