Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Healing&Hopeful on December 13, 2005, 02:33:55 PM

Title: Rejection
Post by: Healing&Hopeful on December 13, 2005, 02:33:55 PM

Hiya all

Once again as the Christmas season approaches, I am feeling the conformity and rejection from my family.

The last time I spent Christmas with my Mum, Stepdad and brother was when I was 16.... and I went for Christmas lunch 6 years ago when I was on my own and having an appalling time and I asked to go.  I have spent Christmases with boyfriends and their families, with friends and their families, anywhere so I wasn't on my own.

Last year I tried to make an effort with them and invited them over for Christmas day... Mum, stepdad and brother said that they wouldn't come because "it might be bad weather" and bio dad said "his house might get burgled".  They may as well have said "I'm washing my hair".

This year I'm not seeing bio dad due to no contact since April.... and we're off to Mum's this Sunday, which fits in with her plans.  I know I'm lucky in that my friends do work around me and do their best to be available so at least I can see my friends too when I go over, but I feel sad that I'm doing what they want again, going when they want me to.... why?  Well this year it's because my brother is working and it's the only day he has off before Christmas.  Never mind that we've just got back off hols and this weekend we've got a work's party, my in laws family get together, and one of my SIL's and her family staying.

I know we will have a much better Christmas on our own, and able to see the in laws, but sometimes I just feel it would be nice to be asked, just once.  I feel so fed up of being the outsider looking in on my family, yet not wanting to be like them either.  I know if we went for Christmas it would be exactly the same as when I was there at 16, sitting in front of the TV, eating eating and eating, queens speech, no alcohol.  But because I'm never asked I feel what's wrong with me, why don't you want me there, why don't you like me!  How stupid huh!  Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm just forgetting what it was really like.

H&H xx 

Title: Re: Rejection
Post by: Hop as guest on December 13, 2005, 03:51:17 PM

(((((H&H)))))))))
That's what can be painful about Christmas. It takes work to avoid that pain but we can!
It really takes huge detachment not to get hooked by old yearnings regarding family.
But I think the realism of your description of what a visit would be like will soon catch up to your heart.

Maybe it won't break your heart. Maybe it will just calm it.
Like...there's an emptiness at your original family home that you no longer are straining to fill.
Because you understand now that it's like pouring water into a sieve...

Not malevolent, no power to hurt you...just an empty place.
And you are too full of life to waste your spirit there!

Happy healing, hopeful Christmas for your OWN wonderful reasons!
Give it to yourself. This is the real Christmas gift.

Give yourself happiness even when the family portrait's cracked.
That's the real meaning of Christmas...feeling joy in the cold.

Hopalong

Title: Re: Rejection
Post by: Sallying Forth on December 13, 2005, 05:03:06 PM

Quote from: Healing&Hopeful on December 13, 2005, 02:33:55 PM

Hiya all

Once again as the Christmas season approaches, I am feeling the conformity and rejection from my family.
...
I know we will have a much better Christmas on our own, and able to see the in laws, but sometimes I just feel it would be nice to be asked, just once.  I feel so fed up of being the outsider looking in on my family, yet not wanting to be like them either.  I know if we went for Christmas it would be exactly the same as when I was there at 16, sitting in front of the TV, eating eating and eating, queens speech, no alcohol.  But because I'm never asked I feel what's wrong with me, why don't you want me there, why don't you like me!  How stupid huh!  Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm just forgetting what it was really like.

H&H xx 

Hi H&H,
I know the feeling. It creeped up on me year after year. For me it was the desire to belong to a family unit. I have that now through this board. I belong to this family unit.

This is the first year that intense desire to connect to them has not reared it's ugly head. I am looking forward to peace and quiet. I made them gifts about 2 years ago and I am contemplating throwing them in the local dump. :lol: They don't deserve anything! :lol:

You are forgetting what it was like. That would be normal. Cling to the "NORMY" life you've been creating for yourself it is much healthier than simply normal. Reach out to us, your new "NORMY" family unit.

You are invited to spend Christmas with us, all of us here. Come and join us for Christmas.

((((((((((((((((H&H)))))))))))))))

Title: Re: Rejection
Post by: Sallying Forth on December 13, 2005, 05:05:14 PM

H&H, please join us for Christmas!

Title: Re: Rejection
Post by: Healing&Hopeful on December 14, 2005, 03:51:20 AM

Bless ya (((((((((((((Hoppy)))))))))))))))) ((((((((((((((((Sallying)))))))))))))))

The last Christmas I was at home when I was 16 was blooming awful actually.  Mum telling me through angry gritted teeth how grateful I should be because I had more spent on me than my brother.... and me and dad wanted to watch a film in the evening, however mum decided she wanted to watch something on the other side which she normally said was rubbish, just so we couldn't watch the film we wanted.

It was also December when dad threw me out of the house, and December when me and my ex broke up.  I suppose it's just not a great month for me as reminders from the past leave me feeling sad.

I am lucky though... My husband is such a diamond.  I learn so much from him you know.... the other day he said "what are you sorry for, it's my fault", to something we were talking about.  Refreshing hey?  The little things are the big things!

Maybe I should use the sketch from Katherine Tate, a UK British comedy...  Am I bovereed.... does this face look bovered!!!!

Though the worse thing about me... that same anger, the gritted teeth... I do it sometimes and I really hate it, but don't know how to stop it.