Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Sallying Forth on January 12, 2006, 01:44:15 AM
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Thank Marta for writing to me and wondering where I was.
I have been contemplating what to write about what I've been experiencing since being on AD's. My entire perspective was horribly skewed before I got on AD's. I didn't know how "off" I was until I got on the right dose. I saw my doc this afternoon and she affirmed for me that depression can have that affect on some people. My thinking was so far "off" the beaten path I was no longer Sallying Forth on A New Adventure. Yet I didn't know I was so far "off."
I don't even know how I drove over 100 miles on the 14th of December without killing myself or someone else. I was not in a healthy mental and physical state to be driving a car for even 5 miles!!! All I have to say is thank goodness and God for adrenalin. That is what I was burning for fuel for who knows how many days.
I am somewhat back on track for my life. Though there are many areas where I need to make some adjustments as the AD's continue to work and keep my brain thinking properly. I am sleeping 10 hours a day and that feels just right to me!!! :D :lol:
Now about the "off" the beaten path stuff ...
I have come to realize that my h is not N. After being on this forum and looking at my Nparents and Nbrother - who are very N - everyone seemed to be N. N seemed to be crawling out of the woodwork and into my life. Yet after being with my supposedly N h for Christmas I know he is not. There were no N behaviors I experienced the entire time with him. We were together for 11 days straight and also the weekend before for 3 days straight.
My h had his 1st appointment with the special t just before the holidays. He was told how to behave with me and he did behave. I was pleasantly surprised.
My h took care of me for Christmas. He gave me lots of non-sexual touching and hugs. We spent very quiet and relaxing holidays together. The entire time I was nearly incapacitated due to recovering from my depression. Horizontal was a great position for reading, watching TV and resting. I couldn't handle sitting at the computer for more than a half hour at a time. And I couldn't do anything including ride in a car, drive a car, walk and ride my bicycle. Fixing food was nearly impossible.
Anyway this is where my brain got skewed - N's everywhere in my life. I assumed that my h must be N if I grew up with N's. I did marry my "mother" though in the sense that my h has OCPD like my mother does. Although my h's OCPD does not manifest the same way so it is not exactly like marrying my "mother." I have to be realistic on that too. The things which I don't like about my h's OCPD behaviors he doesn't like about himself either. Therefore he is very willing to change them. So this is good news for both of us. These are the issues he will be dealing with in therapy.
Also after reading more about OCPD in depth I realized that it presents with similar appearing behaviors as does CNPD. I could easily see how these could be confused in my mind especially when my thinking was skewed.
As for my own therapy, I am going to cut down for now until my h and I live together again. Then we may need couples counseling and/or I may need to return to more frequent counseling for myself. There will be sessions with his special t with both of us so that the special t can ascertain whether there is progress in his treatment. The special t goes by feedback from me not my h. Smart man!
I was "off" the beaten path now I am Sallying Forth on A New Adventure once again.[/u][/i] :D :D :D
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Hi Sallying,
you sound happy and I am so glad!
Are you getting back together with your H? Was this the one who physically abused you or am I getting you mixed up with someone else?
Plucky
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Hi Plucky,
There was sexual coercion, manipulation and pressuring which is all related to OCPD which includes sexual addiction. He is in treatment for that.
I feel happier than I did last month. I feel more stable and less flighty and less irritable. My h commented on my lessened irritability. I hadn't even noticed I was irritable.
:)
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Hi Sallying,
It is good news that you feel better. I have not disagreed with you so far, but now I feel a little worried that you are suspending your own therapy and moving back in with H, and that resuming your therapy depends on the relationship with him.
Plucky
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N'
s everywhere in my life. I assumed that my h must be N
Sf, good to hear from you again. :D
I didn't think that your husbnad was an N based on what you wrote -- just that he was severely dysfunctional and abusive, knew it, wanted to change himself but was unable to.
If I were you, and if I could put my head in chage instead of my heart, I'd take it very, very slowly with the hubby. But I am not you nor can I ever let my head run my life, so its a mute issue. You know what you need the best, but do remember that you and your needs come first.
Love, Marta
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Hi Sallying,
It is good news that you feel better. I have not disagreed with you so far, but now I feel a little worried that you are suspending your own therapy and moving back in with H, and that resuming your therapy depends on the relationship with him.
Plucky
Ah hmmm ... I think my communication was not very clear.
I am not suspending my therapy. I am cutting back on it. I don't need to see my t as often right now because there are few issues I am dealing with at this time.
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N's everywhere in my life. I assumed that my h must be N
Sf, good to hear from you again. :D
I didn't think that your husbnad was an N based on what you wrote -- just that he was severely dysfunctional and abusive, knew it, wanted to change himself but was unable to.
If I were you, and if I could put my head in chage instead of my heart, I'd take it very, very slowly with the hubby. But I am not you nor can I ever let my head run my life, so its a mute issue. You know what you need the best, but do remember that you and your needs come first.
Love, Marta
Hi Marta,
I am taking it very, very, very, very, very slowly with my h.
Thankfully all my eggs are not in one basket. ;)
Thank you for your concern and caring.
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I echo what Marta wrote...
Are you sure, sure, sure you want him to move back in and "maybe" do counseling together?
I'm hoping whatever you do will feel truly safe and sane for you, I was just wondering whether maybe the couples counseling could come before the moving in again.
You have been doing such a CHAMPION job of healing yourself and coping with things in such a very intelligent and independent way...
I'd hate for you to be hurt or feel trapped again.
But Marta's right, you are the only one who knows your own needs best.
Hopalong
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Hi Sallying,
Yes, I guess I didn't read too well before the fears started bubbling up. You did say that. Like Marta and Hop, I have been observing your metamorphosis with hope, interest and joy. So I guess we feel a bit protective of you. Please take care and try not to feel put upon by our concern. You were doing so well on your own. Well, as long as you are really sure...
Plucky
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Interestingly this is not my heart speaking about renewing the relationship with my h. It is my mind.
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Thankfully all my eggs are not in one basket.
That's good to know.
SF, good luck on the new adventure. I don't think you will ever let yourself be victimized again in the same way as in the past by anyone.
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Sally it is so good to hear that you are back on the path you orignally wanted but I do have to say it takes courage and an enormous amount of personal strength not only to acknowledge whe you are wrong but to also recognise it and try to adjust to it! I stand by what I said to you in a personal message you continue to be an inspiration to me.
j_stice on his own path travelling in the holy land! :)
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Hi,
I'm thinking of you and sending lots of support and strength as you go through this journey. May you take it slow, be safe and have a healthy outcome!
Wishing you the best, and that is what is best for YOU~ (((hugs seasons)))
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Hiya SF
All the best for your sallying forth adventure :D
I wish you lots of happiness, companionship and health on this journey.
Take care
H&H xx
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Hiya SF! Please please please be careful. I can only be filled with trepidation reading what you've written- based on my own voyage with an ex who was OCD and a sex addict....and a N. My ex hid his N very cleverly for 5 months and then WHAM. Then a honeymoon period involving his committment to therapy, meds and allegedly our " relationship". A brief hiatus of model behavoiur and promises....then...WHAM. I too take psych meds and was outta control and he played this beautifully appearing to be ever so suppportive. " Gee honey....your meds are really working now...you're so much calmer and saner....it's nice to have you back...you're so much better". Clear message- " You were a nutbar....alll your accusations and suspicions were unfounded...all in your mind...and if you ever accuse me again of anything, I won't hesitate to remind you how crazy you were and obviously your doctor agrees with me because your meds were adjusted". With his abuse it was no wonder I was crazy and it had nothing to do with my deperssion at all!!!! I don't want to burst your bubble...I am scared for you. This honeymoon period also involved feigned intimacy, no pressure for sex, tenderlness etc...then WHAM...I discovered the sex addiction was still going strong. I'll keep my fingers crossed and say a prayer for you . Hugs Moira
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Hi Sallying,
just checking in. How is everything? Has your medication settled down to the right dose? Are you still feeling weary? Any dreams? Home? Hubby?
Plucky
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Hi Sallying-
I just spotted your thread today, I was wondering where you were. I was away from the board for a while too.
I just want to say that I support you whatever you choose to do.
I know what you are going through and it is very very tough... it's tough to go and it's tough to stay. Whatever way you turn it's going to be hard work.
If your survival depends on staying with your husband right now, then so be it. It seems to me that you weren't quite ready the last time. It proved too difficult.
When the time is right, you will move away from him. You can only keep trying.
You may be keeping away from the board because you want a bit of peace, peace from the uphill battle and all the mental energy that goes with it. Maybe you don't want to hear what we have to say, because you know what we are going to say!
Make your own decision Sallying. Only you can do that. Whatever way it turns out we will be here for you
Take care of yourself
Selkie
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I've been reading this thread with much interest but am getting lost in the abbreviations. OCDP, OCNPD, things like that. Is there a list of the abbreviations and what they mean somewhere on this website?
Sallying, I notice that you have not posted for 2 weeks and wonder how you are doing? I hope you are well and staying strong!
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Hi Pink,
I think you can substitute Personality for P, and Disorder for D, and Obsessive Compulsive for OC.
(Somebody correct me if that's wrong...). Sometimes they vary a little. I also learned DID for Dissociative Identity Disorder. BP is bi-polar. ADs are antidepressants. Can't think of any others I've noticed, but...
of course N--- means Narcissistic...
Hope that helps with the acronym salad!
Hopalong
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Thanks, Hopalong. That helps ;)
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There you go again, Hoppy. Acronym salad. Fuuuunnny.
Sallying: good to hear from you. Lots of food for thought here, huh?
I'll just keep sending you lots of love and light. ((((((((Sally)))))))))))