Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Surrounded on January 21, 2006, 06:53:41 PM
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Ok----bear with me I just have to get this out.
My sickening H is such a twit. He is aware that I have been having huge problems with my family of origin over the last year. I have finally cut off my N mom and sister just to have some peace. I am reading all the books I can get my hands on and reading all the posts on this board I can. I am trying desperately to just hold center. I want to figure out why I am the way I am and they are the way they are before I can decide any action to take. I struggle to just mentally make it through the day and keep the house and family from falling apart. I also have extreme issues with him too, but as far as he knows, it's between me and my "other" family.
I have always been the one to just shut up and take it. I am making stands that scare him, I know. He sees I am in turmoil, although I go out of my way to be nice to him. Not overly, fakely nice, but nice. I also need to fortify my defenses like never before. This means I have detached a little. And my mind is in a million places at once. This scares the crud out of him. He mopes around the house pouting. Why? Because his is entirely absorbed in himself. I am not kissing his a** and so he is worried about me only because of the way it is affecting him. He doesn't get hugs, or worse yet sex when he wants it. Boo hoo. (That i(sex)s all about him too.)
He says, I care. Bull. Only if my problems damper his day. So then he pushes all my buttons to get me to open up only to make sure that he doesn't have to worry if it's him I am mad at. He says..."What is wrong???" ....Are you KIDDING me???? This is our 4th conversation about this in as many months and you want to know what is wrong with me because I seem a bit "off"? If he only knew!
I can't say anything about him because, in the past when I have said something like...
The daily porn has to stop...or....
Please stop yelling at me because you are mad at everything else...or....
Can you try to not be 1-6 hours late for EVERYTHING????
You are smothering me, I need some space...or......
ETC.
I have gotten the following responses: (to name a few)
Suicide threats
"Everyone has turned their backs on me"
"Nobody wants me around"
"Everything I do is for YOU!!"
ETC.
I know I could go on, but you get the picture. Anyway, he gets me to fall apart or get upset with him and somehow I look like the idiot, or apologize for what he did, assure him it's not him---it's anything but him and he's fine. He's got his fix. I stand there, feeling raped emotionally, he looks like the hero. Because somehow he makes it seem like either I am totally on his case for saying anything OR I am the blubbering idiot who can't handle anything without him. These days, I play along, so he will get his fix and move on. I have the strength to do so from advice I hear on these boards. Until I can repair, learn and plan enough to dump his butt with all the emotional, factual, and intellectual arsenal I need. I heard somewhere I had to be able to stand up and learn what I have to learn from these relationship mistakes and leave with my self respect or I would just be destined to repeat this same scenario again with someone else. I believe that cause I went straight from my N mom to him.
He has worked at home for 10 years so I have not had breathing room to do much venting or research. He has started to be gone more since Jan 1 since he got an office away from home. He is ultra paranoid I am going to cheat. (????Why would I want to do that????)He hates that I ever get on the internet. I have to hide any of this. I used to vent by writing my feelings down on paper, and lo and behold, I don't know how cause it was hidden really well, but he found that too and holds that over my head. He made me destroy what I wrote (journals, really) and brings it up whenever he wants to make me feel bad for him.
I have cut myself off from EVERYONE. He is too embarrassing. I have to hurry home froom the grocery store, just to hear what pains in the rear the kids have been. I ask for nothing. He has put us through enough financial turmoil to make anyone walk. And I mean ANYONE. He is a RE Broker and I got my license a few years back to try and help dig out of the hole he had dug for us, but I absolutely can not work with him. He scares me, and I told him so.......Poor him---ya know.
I run around in circles at home because I am scared of him. To make sure he doesn't find anything he can be mad at. No, he doesn't hit. Or drink. He's too smart for that. Then I could have something on him. He tried to beat me up once when I hurt his pride when we were first married. I got the hint and I have just kissed his butt pretty much since. 16 years almost. (He learned all this controlling, manipulative behavior from his mommy--makes me sick)
I know, I am an enabler. I accept that part of my situation. And I am changing that. And I am not just having a pity party. I just need to vent while I get my wits together because i know I am headed into a major battle on many fronts. I really appreciate this place to vent. I know I am new here, but you guys have made me feel welcome and I have learned so much. I have learned I am not alone. That is nice---more than nice, it is a god-send. Also feel I need to write some of this so I can refer back to it when I feel like giving up and accepting this and pretending I can handle it or forget how bad things really are. I can't believe I put up with this. What have I become?? Never thought this would be where I was right now in my life. Geez!
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That sort of controlling intimidation is abuse.
Forcing you to throw out your own journals????
He has no right.
Hie thee to a lawyer, imho.
Don't worry about not being "nice."
You can be nice later.
Right now protecting yourself is everything.
You are in battle mode and walking a tightrope all at once.
Have faith...you will survive this.
And you are not a bad person for being angry or detached.
Hang in ...
Hopalong
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Surrounded,
your H is more selfish than anyone I've ever heard of! Your Nmum must be a whopper too to have prepared you for him! Yikes!
You are making good progress to putting an end to his reign of terror. I'm glad you are here. We can support each other.
a hurried but appalled
Plucky
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honey, you're not an enabler.
You're a woman in an abusive relationship who can't rely on the support of her family and friends.
You can rely on us though!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Anyway, he gets me to fall apart or get upset with him and somehow I look like the idiot, or apologize for what he did, assure him it's not him---it's anything but him and he's fine. He's got his
I know what that feels like. What I gather from your few posts I've read, you are very self-aware and aware of how the others around you are and play their games. PLay it the way he wants if you want to buy some time to prepare yourself for your next move. Ugh. This is a nightmare situation.
In terms of Internet safety, may be you know this already, but two precautions to take. Go to tools>options>content>autocomplter>settings and make sure that none of the boxes are checked. Then click on clear passwords etc. Second is options>general>delete cookies, delete files, clear history.
I am sure that your local public library has Internet facilities, and probably rents out lockers too to store your personal papers. Just tell him that you go to the library to borrow books.
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wonderful advice Marta...a wise reminder to many of us.
And Darky if the library doesn't have lockers...I got an inexpensive plastic box at an office supply store where I put important papers I don't want my brother to go through. It's just the right size for those crucial folders and it also has room for me to put my laptop on top.
when I know he's coming to town I toss those folders and my laptop in the box and take it to a close friend's house.
you need copies of important documents such as deeds, titles, bank accounts, etc.
and rent yourself a bank safe depost box. you need a will and a living trust for your kids.
But even before all that: GET YOURSELF A LAWYER. They will have step-by-step advice on everything you need to do to protect yourself.
I think you may want to document the daily porn, as this may be helpful in divorce proceedings.
This is blunt stuff but if you focus on strategies and LEGAL plans, you will survive the day to day tension. In the back of your mind you will know you are creating a new future. This part is hell, but you will get through it.
Hopalong
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Be careful what you write in journals. They can be subpeonaed in court.
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Hi Surrounded,
Just think of yourself as surrounded by friends now. Because you are now. The primary relationships in your life will soon be, not those icky ones with your H and Mother, but healthy breathing ones with your friends, starting with us.
You are not an enabler. You are a survivor. It's just that your survival skills are no longer acceptable to you yourself. You're ready to move on to better things.
I'm holding you.
Plucky
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Your relations with your N husband sound SO MUCH like the relationship my ex-b/f had (and still has somewhat) with is N ex. One thing that strikes me is that when I was first getting to know him he told me that he couldn't give me maybe what he gave her and therefore might not be able to give me what I deserved. I asked him what that was, and he said he gave her his self-respect. I just said, "Oh, that's no problem. I don't want your self-respect." I didn't understand that he was telling me that he has not healed.
Anyhow, I just wanted to point out that it is REALLY good how you are keeping your self-respect as you plow through this!!
The other thing is, she always was worried about him cheating on her even though he really wasn't the type to cheat. She would threaten suicide just for his going on very innocent walks with her own best friend. Yet she cheated on him, big-time. In fact the last time she cheated on him she even "married" the guy in some pagan ritual. (She found the journal where she described the whole ceremony.) It was only her cheating so flagrantly that got him to divorce her, but for him, he only divorced her sexually. So many of the same interrelations still exist with them. She says things to make him feel guilty and responsible for her, and he totally buys into it.
Kudos to you for your very healthy "work" you are doing in learning and understanding just what's going on and not buying into all that crap anymore.
It has been very disillusioning for me personally to see my ex-b/f give up his relationship with me because I would not stand for his continued "close personal friends" relationship with her. (They don't even have children together, and she made a point to call most of the times I came to his home, etc.) He described so well how she abused him. I heard so much about it I could practically write a book. The things she would say to him to intimidate and tear him down, "No one else would have you," etc. Never apologizing for her outrageous wrongs, never taking responsibility for anything -- not even the cheating. Everything was always his fault. He asked her after they divorced if she had any regrets and her answers were all what she regretted about HIS behavior, "I regret that you were like this, and I regret that you weren't like that." No regrets about her own behavior. She also pummelled him into deep debt without his knowledge. (She kept the books and paid the bills, or was supposed to pay the bills, with the money he made -- and he made very good money.) He is just SO clear on all the abuse, but totally WHIPPED even now, nearly 2 years since they separated.
So, seeing you be in even a worse situation in a way -- being with that N for nearly twice as long -- and seeing you really confront the real issues is really heartening to me. It is such a shame to see a person so capable of giving and receiving love to stay chained to an N's emotional blackmail and refuse to admit that that is even what is happening. I will follow your story with great interest and be cheering for you always...!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs,
TP
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Wow...I have gotten so accustomed to his nonsense that I guess I didn't realize how bad things are. You guys are amazing. I get strength from your posts, every one.
Roaring dad:
Really, my journals can be subpeonaed??? Good thing they are gone! HAHA. What about this site? Or computer histories? I worry, but mostly, I think they will just prove what my point in the end.
Tejaspear: the suicide threat thing is really cowardly, IMO. And an ultimate mind game. Recently, he has turned to sickness and crying...yes, he found out how to make himself cry after knowing him for 20 years now, he finally cries. Only to manipulate me and his daughters into doing what he wants. Cause he knows we will respond.
Last week, in order to keep tabs on me and get out of working, he "threw his back out" Oh dear, he has to stay home in bed all week. And whine and moan about his back. I feel so cold, but I am so sick of it and I see what he is doing so it makes me crazy. He likes to tell me I'm cold when he really wants me to respond his way. He won't even allow me to say I'm sick cause if I do...all of a sudden....he feels a little sick too. He knows I will be the one to take care of everything, sick or not anyway. But he can't even let me have that.
He was actually snickering at me while I was driving him to an appointment, because he didn't think he could drive himself. (Really he just wanted to control my day). We were driving in a snowstorm on icy roads and the car slid a little around a corner a little. He snickers cause I can't handle the car as well as he could, obviously. Well, we get out a few minutes later and.... we had a completely FLAT tire. Maybe I'm not such a bad driver after all?? I didn't say anything, it was actually a blessing for me because the tension in the car was way too thick and I knew we were headed for a fight. Now he had to focus on the tire--not me.
He won't cheat on me either, cause he is too scared of a disease. I wouldn't care anyway at this point. I wish he would, it would get ME out easier.
(((((Plucky)))))) Thanks! You know I will be keeping me eyes and ears and heart in your posts.
Marta: The computer advise is helpful. And well heeded. I hate the games and going behind his back cause it's not like me, but I know I have to protect myself now.
Write: Amen. And thanks! (((((()))))) Hugs back at ya!
Hopalong: The laywer is just around the corner. Saving up some cash first. I know, he is abusive. Sometimes it is such a hard thing for me to get out of my denial. I have been denying this for about 5 years now. (blatantly) For the kids, I guess. I first asked for a divorce about then. That's when the suicide threat was and the porn was a big deal. He doesn't seem so bad at that now dayswith the porn...probably just better at hiding it. He also has computers elsewhere he can use. Frankly, I don't care or have the time to monitor that anymore, but if you think it would help.....
Sorry, some of these replys and posts are long. I have to take advantage of the time when I have it.
Also, I have been reading a book about adults that grew up in a N family, and wow it has shed a lot of light. One thing that hit me hard is realizing that my kids are depending on me to use my power to protect them. Power I have been too nice and people-pleaser type to dare to use. Protection from the mind games he pulls on them and the rages he goes into. I have done what I could short of his being gone. I wonder if it would be a first step to ask for a separation. I know we are all a lot happier when he is not around. We can relax and enjoy stuff and each other. I don't have to be shooshing them all the time. He was so mad our oldest was getting bad grades because it hurt his feelings and his pride, that he wanted to send her away. What???? What an N!!!! I know that once I cross this guy, that is it. Be ready for all manner of evil. I have learned what button NOT to push. Mom prepared me for that.
He also likes to ACT empathetic. He knows where to go...."oh how sad, or ...ohhh how cute", or..... whatever ....in the right places. But really, now it just creeps me out cause I know it is an act he learned from his mom. She is the extrovert, pretender type. My mom is the cold, damn you, type.
Anyway, just my thoughts for today. Again, thanks for accepting me. I am starting to feel weight lifting and I am able to bear this nonsense a little easier in my mind. Not always condemning myself for having reactions and feelings about the way people treat me.
Have a great day ALL!
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You can get some good library books on protecting yourself in ADVANCE of divorce and also get free basic starter advice at a free law clinic...
hope you won't let the money make you wait too long for learning about the legal side of things...
(I know, I nag.)
Sending luck....and strength.
Hopalong
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Hi Surrounded,
you can also just call up one of the attorneys that advertises and get a free consultation over the phone. It may not be the one you want to use, and you will not want to follow any advice you get without a second opinion, but at least you can get some basic facts and start to understand what the issues are. Do not give up after one phone call. Some of them are jerks. I was divorced before and I went through 5 phone calls for a very simple situation. Call from a public or friend's phone.
Plucky
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Hi Surrounded,
Oh my gosh you are amazing for still even managing to survive. I don't really know how to respond but I want to be there to care and support you. It's amazing how we are conditioned to put up with abuse from our parents.
Now that you can see through the crap, you hold the power. Look forward to the future when you are emotionally free from all this horrible treatment. All the best, take care
Jessica :)
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I'll second that. Absolutely. Your strong and sane self is totally coming through for you. Congratulations. I know you'll do GREAT...!!!!!!! ;)
TP
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Anyway, he gets me to fall apart or get upset with him and somehow I look like the idiot, or apologize for what he did, assure him it's not him---it's anything but him and he's fine. He's got his fix. I stand there, feeling raped emotionally, he looks like the hero. Because somehow he makes it seem like either I am totally on his case for saying anything OR I am the blubbering idiot who can't handle anything without him. These days, I play along, so he will get his fix and move on.
Wow, this sound just like my ex-husband to be. This is my first post. I have been doing research all day on NPD and I am trying to do a collaborative divorce process with him. I too, have been scared of him in my marriage. From what I know, my husband and yours are what is referred to as high-functioning. They "look good" to others and may have adamant followers that would NEVER beleive they were abusive. Your husband is abusive and so is mine. After I left a year and a half ago, I "took him back" twice. He's in recovery I reasoned - doesn't mean jack! He's a sick, sick man. In my divorce process, I thought I'd be "nice" and give him extra visitation with our daughter and forget all about the $$$ he owes me - money he STOLE out of our account and from trashing most of our belongings. These people see this as weakness. I was ripe for the attack and he took it - trying to put restrictions on where I live - within the same town for goodness sakes! TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. This man is showering with our 6 year old daughter and sleeping with her. He's a sex addict. He raped me in our marriage. I want to deny him seeing her, but what rights do I have? I've just gotten pissed enough in the last 2 days to say no more. Sitting in a lawyers meeting where the 2 lawyers main concern is to not "inflame" him doesn't cut it for me anymore. When does the real stuff get addressed. Going to court will be messy and expensive, but my daughter is worth it. If I don't stand up for her, who will?
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YES!!!YOU FIGHT FOR HER!!!!
IT IS THE MOST WORTH-IT THING YOU'LL EVER DO!
This anger will serve you, save her.
Showering with a six y/o?????? NOOOOOOOO!
Hopalong
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This man is showering with our 6 year old daughter and sleeping with her.
Oh my god movinon. This is really, really terrible. I just don't have words to describe the horror I feel. I am sending you and your daughter all the best wishes in the world. Please collect as much evidence as you can of what is goign on. Take pics of them coming out of shower. Even hire a private detective if you have to!
You say that this is yoru first post. Please start your own thread and talk about your situation. THere are others on this board who've been in your situation adn tehy can share their experiences with you. There is OR who just got a court injunction (or is about to?) to get only supervised visists with her daughter ferom her N ex.
Take care. Real good car eof yourself.
Love, Marta
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Movin on,
Wow, this sound just like my ex-husband to be. This is my first post. I have been doing research all day on NPD and I am trying to do a collaborative divorce process with him.
I would strongly recommend you do not try to do a collaborative divorce with this man. This would not be money well saved. N's are liars and if you do not have your own good attorney fighting for you, you will be screwed. Also, for the sake of your daughter, you need good counsel. Collaborative divorces are only for people who can work well together and can trust one another--I don't think you have either with your h.
I would agree that you should start your own post and you will get some good responses.
Brigid
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Surrounded: So much of what you write brings back (horrible) memories for me. You are tapping into your power. We will be part of that power. Sending you love, light and strength.
Movinon: I echo what Brigid said. Collaborative divorce is for people who get along at least a little. Like my husband and his ex. They did so well with that.
But your H sounds like a sociopath at the least. "Collaboration" is the LAST thing you can do with him. Get an absolute shark of a lawyer with the meanest reputation in town. Banish any feelings of pity or guilt over this.
I wish I had hired a shark (but I felt "sorry" for the guy who subsequently has done everything in his power to punish me and screw up my life).Take no prisoners. As hard as it seems when he acts "hurt" DO NOT get sucked in. This is YOUR life. This is your DAUGHTER'S life!
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Thanks for the feedback Mum, Hopalong, Brigid and Marta. I'm not sure how to do a post. I think maybe this is it. I'm still feeling a bit angry (and scared) today. Have no fear though, I'm willing to walk through it straight into the fight. I have a bucketload of support and spent the weekend with some friends who validated my position. I was told by my sponsor, who is also a therapist, that he is a sociopath. I am waiting on a call from my lawyer today. When I spoke to her after my last post, she didn't seem too enthused about me wanting to fight him. I agree that I cannot do a collaborative divorce with this person. My goal is to get a pshyc. evaluation done. I have no fears about that on my end, and if he doesn't crucify himself, my 18-year old daughter and family and friends can attest to his use of violence, control, and manipulation when we were together. We've also seen a number of therapists as a couple (he's NEVER seen one individually) although I have which is aparently pretty typical of one spouse (usually the wife) trying to fix the marriage alone. I'm really worried about the money it will take to do this. He make 4 times what I make (I'm a teacher). I heard someone say that a friend of hers lost her battle because she ran out of money before her husband.
This man has ADMITTED to raping me and hitting me. He says that becuase I hit him back, it was just a "passionate" relationship and I gave just as good as I got. He has raged and stopped me from leaving the room, the house, or the car by blocking the door or holding me down. He has walked around the house in front of the children with a shotgun threatening to shoot himself. His defense is that he has been in recovery and is sponsoring other men. He is also in an organization as a leader in training doing men's emotional support work. It makes me sick to see these men come up to him in droves and give him big adoring, loving hugs. His defense is also that he hasn't done any of this since I moved out (no duh!)
To Marta: We are not living together so I can not take pictures, but both of our lawyers know and my daughter tells me. Oh yeah, his lawyer is in a men's support circle with him. Sounds like conflict of interest doesn't it?
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movinon,
Click the bar at the top that says "new topic" and that will start a new thread.
I'm glad to hear you're not going the collaborative route. Way too dangerous in your situation.
Brigid
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I saw movinon post, so that is good. I know she got some good advice, as I always get from everyone! Thanks again.
So......
What is up with these nutjobs? These N husbands. Any N for that matter! Amazing.
Hey, just a new question today. My H is now out of the blue, writing me "love notes" and leaving them around for me to find when he leaves the house for "work".
He hasn't done this ever to speak of, so I am second-guessing myself about his motives. He has left 3 this last week. The first 2...just I love you. xoxox type stuff.
Today, he puts IN my N families of origin book I am reading with my bookmark he writes all this crap about how much I have always helped HIM!! And thanks for all I do for him and the kids. Life gets hard for HIM and he knows he makes it through because of my support and compassion. I am HIS source of strength. We are soulmates! He is honored to think of me with HIM. And oh yeah, ONE sentence about trying to be there for ME like I have always been for him.
Oh, and always ends with....."yours forever"---------is that a threat? blech!
He thinks I am totally struggling with my family-of-origin because I am not ready or able to tell him what a HUGE N I think he is. Gotta get more of MY crap together first. (Ducks in a row?)
He tells me "he misses me". When he is not moping around the house because I am not his wind-up clapping monkey anymore. Who wouldn't miss someone who you could just walk all over without any resistance?
What is up with these letters? Should I give him ANY benefit of the doubt? Of course, as programmed, I cry at first, and then I get MAD! I am thinking because I see through it now, but I still have this awful guilt.....for what, I don't know. I just do.
Could he really be trying to understand? Or is he just pulling out all the stops to control, play mind games, mess with me, ETC!!!!
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Surrounded,
Should I give him ANY benefit of the doubt?
No.
Could he really be trying to understand?
No.
Or is he just pulling out all the stops to control, play mind games, mess with me, ETC!!!!
That would be a yes.
When they can't get their way with bullying they ape what real people do who actually love each other. Unfortunately you married an ape.
mud
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Surrounded,
This too sounds familiar (and is very typical). As I mentioned in a previous post, I "took my N back" TWICE. Both times he said he would go to a counselor that we AGREED upon. (We had been to too many that he could push around with his agressiveness) I was adamant to find someone who had experience with domestic/sexual abuse.
Short things short, I kept going to my women's group, he went to one session and quit. The second time we were going to "couple's" counseling and he would still do things on the side that indicated he in no wasy wanted to be part of a partnership. I also got the realization in that last session that he really did abuse my son and it wasn't just a tap.
The last time he showed up outside my bedroom window (after 3 weeks of no-contact) begging to talk for just 10 minutes. I caved and let him in and it was 2 1/2 hours of drama (while my kids took care of themselves as usual), him begging, and saying he would do ANYTHING (which he never did). Although I let him in, I stood my ground in saying NO. One thing I noticed during these 2 hours, was how many times he said, "I'm a good man!" I had never said that night that he wasn't.
It was all about his abandonment issues. In examining our relationship, there were so many things that centered around me "abandoning" him. He was scared to death of it and the closer I got to leaving, the more he would pull out the stops, so to speak. A healthy adult knows they cannot be abandoned.
These N's are slick and knowing when to slide in under the radar - to hit when others are vulnerable. And I want to validate that making a decision to change such a huge pattern to take care of yourself is a hugely vulnerable thing to do. He's losing his hold on you and he's scared. A healthy person wants someone who can think for themselves and have good boundaries.
My N has always used my family of origin stuff to say, "Look, she's the one who's messed up." His good persona has come back to bite me many times. I am seeking the strength not to be drawn in again.
What does your "wise woman" say about what he's proposing? Has he made similar (although less) promises to change? Do you think he can? What if he can't? Are you willing to stay in the manipulation and control? It's YOUR choice. YOu get to decide.
I know that you will take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself if you don't do it perfectly and keep getting validation and support.
Movinon
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Hey Surrounded,
The thing is, he MIGHT be IN THAT MOMENT of writing you love notes be washing around in a syrupy wave of sentiment. In other words, he might IN THAT MOMENT be experiencing his version of sincerity.
But he's an N. And an abuser. And what this ultimately means to you and your life is to face the sad fact that these gestures, "sweet" as they seem, don't have any meaning.
They are just words. It is his actions, over time, and how he has made you feel, over time, that are the reality.
I think you can judge what the reality is. Don't let "notes" or "words of love" confuse you.
Have you FELT loved? Supported? Respected? Encouraged? Etc, etc? Answer those questions, listen to your inner self. He may himself honestly think he's having real lasting feelings when he does this little win-you-back campaign. Unfortunately, Ns are incapable of appreciating their own limits.
You need to keep Surrounding Yourself -- with strength, self-love and determination that you deserve a real life, real freedom, not too-little-too-late manipulative "note bombs."
Don't fall for it. I think these are the empty gestures of a cruel campaign. He's just testing, I believe, to see if the change in you that he can sense, is real.
Show him it is. Don't fall apart because he came up with some treacly sentiments.
Just my opinion, but I think you've been through enough already.
Hopalong
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Hi Surrounded and all! Great thread. all " love" declarations, gestures, gifts, promises and seeming changed behavour- is nothing but theatre arts. All bullshit designed soley to draw you back into their web of abuse and destruction. My ex N was a master actor- would have a prosperous career in Hollywood!- always brief, seeming sincere honemoon periods, and feigned " passion" following angry episodes, withdrawal on my part, threat of abandonment, seperation etc. NEVER lasted or was in any way real nor did he ever even appear to understand my feelings- inconsequential to him. Be strong. Keep posting. Such excellent folks here, great body of knowledge and endless, much needed support! Hugs, Moira