Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Chicken on January 26, 2006, 07:09:38 PM
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Has anyone read any of Brian Weiss's books? His first one is called "Many lives, many masters" ?
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No! Tell us more.
Plucky
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Well my friend was telling me about it...
It talks about past lives and regression etc. I find that interesting. I am not sure if I believe it or not, but I am interested in the theory.
It's a supposedly true story about a psychotherapist, whose patient started recalling things from previous lives. He believes that you can heal things now that happened in previous lives!!! and that we carry emotions into this life that are reactions to something that happened in a previous life etc...
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Whaaaat! So in therapy you have to unravel previous lives as well! Yikes! Even clearing up this one life seems insurmountable!
Plucky
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Hi Selkie,.
I have all his books... My favourite is Only love is real..... I am a great believer in reincarnation and karma and have had a regression. In some respects it is one of the reasons I am trying to deal with this now as I believe that we have the same lessons until we learn them...
Spyralle x
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Hiya Spy!
So good to hear from you again! I hope you are well... well I hope part of you is well, I suppose we can't wish for too much! Ha Ha Ha!
I am working up to "Only Love is real" which I love the sound of, my friend recommended that I read his first book first to get into it...
But from what I hear, "Only love is real" is a very beautiful, very special book. I can't wait to read it...
Plucky, your comment made me laugh, that was my thought too! Ha Ha!
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Spyralle, I think that there may be some truth in that. Actually it was taking on a belief in reincarnaton at a young age (12 or so) that helped me keep my sanity through a very difficult time growing up with such low self-esteem, feeling so unlovable because it was clear I was not wanted or loved by my parents. Because it just seemed like there was no justice in the universe. But then when I could see how maybe I was having to deal with things from past lives, that could be an argument for true balancing and progression even when we can't see it.
I remember one time I had a dream that didn't seem like a dream. It seemed like a memory. It was so weird, because even though I had that dream decades ago I feel like maybe it really was a memory from a past life. In the dream I was like in pioneer days in America, and was a woman wearing a long brown dress, and I was in a big barn and we just found out that a group of men were galloping up on horses. I was totally terrified of those men and there was almost no time to escape. I glanced over at my little baby, laying there swathed in cotton, and did not even give that baby a second thought and just fled for my life. Thinking in this life that maybe that really was something that really happened I am very disapproving of that mother (me?) not caring more for that baby. In this life, my N mother abandoned me and my brother because she was afraid of my father and afraid of her new boyfriend's displeasure if she would keep us, so it was a no-brainer to her that she let us to our fate.
I look back at that dream/memory and remember how when "I" glanced at that baby and nothing in me registered -- no feeling about the baby at all, and only caught up in my own survival. In a strange way it made me feel better about having an N mom -- like maybe the Universe was showing me what it's like to be that baby, so I could understand more fully the significance of my past neglect of my child.
I don't know. For me, it's really all conjecture, but it works for me. ;)
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Oh Pink. I'm sorry.
For you real you, for dream mother you, for dream baby you.
(I can relate to the horror of feeling blank where one "should" feel something else.)
You are so receptive to insight...keep dreaming.
I always liked the theory that every element in every dream represents some part of you. From the buildings to the people. The barn, the marauding men, the baby, the unfeeling mother, the fear, the brown dress, the other women. By this theory, each of those could be in some way representing a part of you, perhaps a part that's in conflict, or just symbolic revelations of some of the things your subconscious is working to heal...
Such a good thing to be aware of one's dreams!
Hops
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I am not sure I believe in anything 100% because there is no proof.
I think that human beings invent religion for comfort, because the reality of the situation is too much to deal with (ie. we are born and we die and thats it... just like the leaves on the trees)
I think after that we just do not know what happens.
Sure, the leaves fall from the trees onto the earth and decay and become part of the soil or whatever, maybe that's all we will be.
I don't know what happens the soul. If the brain dies, is the soul still there?
Having said that, I do still pray now and then (usually when i want something :oops:)
Having said that, I do have some believe in reincarnation.
It interests me.
Once I had my fortune told when I was a teenager, the man told me I had several past lives in which I had a very tortured existence. He wanted to expand but I stopped him, only wanting to hear about boys etc
Now I am interested to hear about them, but I would be afraid of regression.
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Hi Selkie,.
I am a great believer in reincarnation and karma and have had a regression.
Really? I would like to hear what he had to say! Care to share? Have you found it resolves anything for you?
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Hi Selks,
Well for a start it was a she.... I was a french peasant girl in the 18th century. One of my parents had died and the other had left and I was left at a very young age to look after my little brother. i was taken to live in a very grand house and basically became the favourite of this horrible old man who used to molest me... (I'm cutting it really short here) i was hated by the other servants and died at 21 worried about who would look after my disabled little brother... Anyway The wierd thing about this regression was that on the way out i saw this guy. I had been seeing him on and off all my life as far back as I could remember. he was very tall will strawberry blonde curly hair. He was kind of unique... When I was a little girl I used to imagine that this would be the man that I would marry. as a teenager I used to wonder where he was and what he was doing and was he wondering what I was doing etc...
Anyway,. as I was coming out of the regression, He was there. I told the therapist that I was not gonna come back as I wanted to stay there with him and it took her ages to talk me back out. I know this sounds a bit ridiculous but it's completely true.. Two weeks later i walked smack into this guy He looked at me a little funny and i was gobsmacked. We were inseperable from that moment on. He wasn't into this sort of thing but he used to say that he was sure that we had been together somewhere else. We used to joke about beng highwaymen in a past life.. Anyway...10 months later I came home to find that he had died suddenly. That ten months were the happiest of my life....
Of course then I started to go looking for answers. I was very sceptical. I still am i think that's healthy,. but I have had lots of proof that he is still around. The other thing I used to say when I was a kid was that I would find a man who would die for me. Without boring you with the long road I took I have now come to conclusion that that is exactly what he did. So I could learn.... For those ten months he showed me unconditional love and after he died was when I really started to want to change...
I could go on about this stuff for hours so tell me if I'm boring. I truly believe though that whatever it is we are here to learn we need to do our best to do that. Icontemplated suicide after he died and I wasn't far off after the episode with the N, but, apart from my beautiful daughter who keeps me here,. there is no way that I am going to carry on repeating these patterns,. I reckon you see that if we don't learn in this life there is always another one....
Read Only Love is Real Selks. I didn't find that book , It found me... Oh God please don't think I'm a fruit loop...
Spyralle xxx
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What convinced me most about past lives was witnessing a past life regression of an dear and old friend of mine, who was "open" but really more than anything a true skeptic if there ever was one.
I watched him regress and take on a slightly different personality as he re-lived part of his life long ago as a warrior. He was walking by a camp and he could "smell the death"! It went on for what seemed like an hour and was extremely convincing to me.
I knew him for many years before this happened, and he was always curious about other's views but didn't believe in ANYTHING like this. After that day I have seen my friend to a 180 degree turn. It was a totally life-changing experience for him. I have known him over 30 years now.
All that said, I think there is a reason we don't remember past lives, (assuming we had them). I believe we are here to start with a fresh slate and without the burden of past memories, sins, guilts, passions, losses, loves, etc. It would be too much. But for some people it seems to also be healing to remember certain things. I suppose for those that it would be a good thing they would be drawn to it more.
co-crazy pink ;)
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Hi...I have never posted here before but I had to respond to this post...I have chills right now after reading all your posts. I was just about to go read my third Brian Weiss book, Messages From The Masters, before I went to sleep and I thought I would check in here for my last stop on my NPD reading sites...I haven't read here in months. Before reading this I also was just thinking that I need to check out Brian Weiss's website...I would love to have a regression.
I had never really thought much about reincarnation until years ago when I bought Many Lives, Many Masters. Ironically, my xNh had also read this book and one of my friends knew I would marry him after telling her about my conversation with him about this book and about how deep and spiritual he was...yeah right, he's a N :? My xNh also seemed so familiar to me when I met him...I had never felt that way about any guy.
I was on a leave from work during my divorce...when I was finally able to return, I was thinking, as I was driving to work, that I needed to start reading books that I used to enjoy...more spiritual books...instead of all the NPD books that I had been so absorbed in for months. I am a flight attendant and I was on the plane with my crew and passengers when I saw one of the flight attendants (who I had just met on that trip) talking with a man in first class for most of the flight...I actually thought she was yelling at him...when she finally came to the back of the plane she told me that they were discussing past lives. I told her I had read Many Lives, Many Masters and we had an amazing discussion. On the layover she walked a mile and bought me Only Love Is Real...She wrapped it with a really sweet note. So, as Spyralle wrote, this book found me too.
Well, I'm sorry for babbling but I find this topic so interesting. I do believe we come back to learn lessons...There is a story about a little soul (I can't remember the name) who comes back with his friend to help him learn forgiveness knowing that the friend won't recognize him on earth...it's very good...I'll try to post it if I can find it.
Take care,
Lucy
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It's The Little Soul and the Sun Lucy, by Neale Donald Walsch...
Funnyt you should mention that book. A friend of mine bought it for me a few years ago. After what the ex N did to me in the summer (Read desperately needing help after relationship break up), I found that book unexpectedly...
Spyralle xxx
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Thanks Spyralle...It's a very comforting story.
Lucy
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Hey Lucy, how is it that some Ns have this "deep and spiritual" thing going on? It kind of drives me crazy. ;)
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Well, Pink, they could win awards for their acting skills...it's all a facade :(
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Wow. That's just plain creepy. . . . ! :(
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Let's face it Pink, anything N's do gets creepy. My last exN liked to say he "didn't believe we have souls", but he mostly said that for the shock effect......he was all about creating a scene and getting attention. Actually, I think he's hoping we don't have souls or he will find his drunken, ego driven existance was all for naught...
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My ex N thought that I was a "do gooder sad F**k" (his words.... delivered in public I might add,. because I believed we had souls and wanted to be compassionate... I think mum's got a point... How can you treat people like sh*t and believe in souls all at the same time. That would mean you would have to feel guilty for heavens sake...
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What a f**king knob that man was...
What a horrible piece of sh*t... How come people around you didn't twig his behaviour? If I ever heard a man talk like that about his girlfriend, and I have come across so many men who put their wives/girlfriends down in public, but it always stops me in my tracks and I am gobsmacked at how they get away with it...
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Hi Gang,
It's me again.
I am feeling so unbelievably strange today, I felt the need to off load here... I don't know if it's because I have my head in this book or where it comes from. It very well may be that, because when I read I get so into the world of the book, my imagination soars.
Anyway, I have an overwhelming urge to escape. I wondered if I felt like going out drinking, but it's not that. I feel like I want to leave my body and leave this world. I can't say I'm really enjoying it. It's not what i thought it would be and it never will. Please, before anyone freaks out and thinks I am going to commit suicide, don't worry I am not. I am not feeling suicidal. I'm not talking about death...
I just feel like life is never how you dream it to be. I guess my hopes have been dashed too many times and this is the last moment before I turn to stone.
I guess I am always going to be like this. I am always going to be deeply dissatisfied in this life. No matter what counsellor I go to see, no matter which friends I go out with, no matter what, I always return to me and to feeling like this. All my life I have felt an intense loneliness and this is my lot... I feel like I am always waiting...
Spyralle, I am fascinated by your story. I have heard you mention this guy who died before. I want to hear more!
You are not boring me and no, I don't think you are a fruit loop, though I may be a bit nutty...
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Selkie, I have known those feelings, and how. Sometimes it can be very much like the narcissist -- feeling only a void where we we should feel our core. But my core IS there -- and when I connect with it and embrace it I can almost never feel that old bad sense of desperate loneliness anymore. It really it like a "companion within."
I have learned that I really like me. For one thing, I like all the same things that I do, laugh at the same jokes. LOL. (A little silly humor there.)
No, but really. I feel very certainly and surely that all you are needing is to reintroduce yourself to your self, your core -- and accept and embrace that core. For me, the meditation I do daily helps with this very much -- to "go within" and just really experience what is inside -- and it is not lonely inside, not a void. It is actually very nice, loving and warm.
Narcissists make the mistake of looking for all the answers outside of themselves because they cannot connect with their real self, and I think those of us who have had primary relationships with N's, especially parents, get "taught" to look outside ourselves to others for our validation -- because that's what THEY do...!!! On some level the little kid is always learning more by example than by any words. The instructions are always saying to look everywhere except within yourself. Trick answer is that within is the only place the greatest peace, harmony and love!
Hang in there and here's hoping you feel loads and heaps better really, really soon...!!!!
Hugs,
pink
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those of us who have had primary relationships with N's, especially parents, get "taught" to look outside ourselves to others for our validation -- because that's what THEY do...!!!
Hear, hear, Pink.
Selkie, adding to that wisdom about why the loneliness felt by children of Ns can be so intractable, I'm going to channel Sela's charming not-sure-if-I-should-say-this-but-I-think-it's-good-so-I'll-risk-it-even-if-I'm-wrong, otherwise known as NSIISSTBITHIGSIRIEIW, and say:
I think a UU church, and perhaps also participating in an associated meditation or Covenant Group there, might heal your loneliness. It has mine, and it was very, very, very stark. Darkness Visible (Styron), this-is-unchangeable-and-permanent, kind of stark.
I think feeling your loneliness in the presence of others who have nonintrusive, nondogmatic spiritual intention, would change you. I think you need community. I suggest UU because theism and specific dogma are not expected, and you are welcomed as you are, including your thoughts.
(Just wondering if this one was as way off as my last imaginings of you! But nothing ventured...)
Hops
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Hey Selks.... Good job you are not planning suicide... cos I reckon we just have to come back annd do it all again if we jump off before the ride is finished...
I'm pretty much in the same space as you when it comes to loneliness. it's a wierd kind of loneliness though. i don't want to be with people either. Well work is OK but the thought of getting into another relationship is awful. I want friends I guess but I'm not much good at small talk and I just find myself wanting to be home. Me too... I'm waiting but I'm not sure what for (Waiting for Godot immediatly springs to mind...) Maybe I'm waiting to feel at homein my own skin... maybe I'm waiting to be happy but the problem with that is I don't know what would make me happy. Sometimes I feel kind of detached from myself...
Anyway... If you are sure you want to hear more about D I can tell you. I often thought about writing a novel about the whole thing.. it was such a phenomenal (I'm sure I haven't spelt that right) experience. When I found him (I climbed through the bedroom window, he had collapsed on our bed) it was like my whole world just stopped with a bang. i mean he was there right and I've seen all the films were the girlfriend throws herself onto the body of her loved one etc. I couldn't do that. I knew he wasn't there... That he had gone and that that was just his body and now it was a shell. So from that minute on I was pretty determined to find out exactly where he had gone... I mean there I was. I had been waiting for this guy all my life. and then all of a sudden he wasn't anywhere on this planet any more... This was the first time in my life I had experienced real happiness and I wasn't going to let it go that easily.....
I could go on for hours really but I won't because this is your thread and because i am aware that if i do men in white coats may appear at my back door. Suffice to say,. i read loads, joined a psychic circle, went to psychic college, meditated opened my mind and just let it all happen and it did,. I had many beautiful experiences and learned to have faith in the universe. Then somehow I seemed to get a little lost a few years ago when i met N. and now here I am again in that hollow lonely place. You know Selks what I will say is that if you have the urge to escape, then meditate,. let your imagination soar. Maybe your spirit feels confined,. Trust in what you are feeling and go with it. I soooo believe that we are here to learn and that every experience we have is part of that learning. The say the more painful the lessons the older the soul. It's like in infant school we just do colouring but by the time we get to a levels it is hard and complicated. I think that the soul evolves like that through different lives. In that book The little Soul and the sun it says...."God has sent us nothing but angels" (Dear me i'm sounding really holy now) I kind of understand that...
Sorry people if I sound a little of the planet. this stuff is close to my heart...
((((((((((((((((((Selkie)))))))))))))))))))))
Spyralle xxx
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Hi Spy
Please do not apologize to me. I am on the same wavelength, so if you apologize, I will have to apologize.
I am really interested in your story. I really would be interested in hearing the full story, don't worry about it being my thread...
I have so many questions but I don't know how much you want to share. I am sure it is a sensitive subject so I don't want to prod, but I am interested. If you want to tell it on this thread or if you want to start up a new thread, please do so...
Also, I am not sure what you mean about letting my imagination soar and meditation etc.
I don't get meditation. Maybe I should try but what does one achieve? I just sit there trying to whip my mind into shape and trying not to think, which proves impossible for my hyperactive mind... seems like hard work... am I doing something wrong?
I have been thinking about regression too... just cuz I am curious, can you tell me what happens? Are you conscious when it happens?
xx
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I just want to mention that the word "meditation" means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For a lot of people it is about visualizing, mantras, using the imagination. I have never really done much of that kind. The kind I recommend is what can get you in touch with yourself -- just going within without a script or job to do. Just experiencing YOU. Because YOU are REALLY beautiful.........................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;) ;) ;)
Hugs
pink
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hey, Selkie. I get what you are talking about. I think it's okay, if that means anything. Why don't you give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling and not name it, judge it or try to make sense of it.
My first reaction was "meditation" but I will admit I am not an expert. I do know that the main idea is NOT to judge yourself by labeling your mind as hyperactive or your thoughts as "bad" or "good" ...they just are. I'm sure my meditation is not what would be considered traditional, and I am not very disciplined, but I am getting there. Just deciding I am worth the time to be still is really saying something.
The other thing that hit me was this:
I just feel like life is never how you dream it to be. I guess my hopes have been dashed too many times and this is the last moment before I turn to stone.
I guess I am always going to be like this. I am always going to be deeply dissatisfied in this life. No matter what counsellor I go to see, no matter which friends I go out with, no matter what, I always return to me and to feeling like this. All my life I have felt an intense loneliness and this is my lot... I feel like I am always waiting...
Well, you said it.
A quickie course in what I believe (and what helped me, by the way): It's about how energy works. and how the universe works.
The universe is unconditional love.
We give out thought energy and the universe matches that energy with an experience...not in a punitive "well, I'll get you for that bad thought" kind of way (like I originally thought through my Catholic upbringing) but instead in a very NON judgemental way.
Consider this:
ME: I don't really like myself. I don't like what is happening in my life. Life sucks. People are mean.
UNIVERSE: um, ok....life sucks for you and things you don't like happen. You don't like yourself, so unloving things will occur for your. Oh, yeah and people are mean to you. Check. Think I got it. Next?
OK, I am trying to be cute here, but if I THINK a certain thing, it leads to FEELING a certain way, which either leads to ACTING a certain way....OR if not acting that way......brings to me what I create. It's the "thoughts become things" idea. I mean think about that: EVERYTHING in the material world started with a thought, really.
Or some call it "the law of attraction".
So read what you wrote. How do you expect to get beyond that if that's what you decided already about your life? YOU decided it. You can change your mind any time you want.
SO WHAT if you spend time IMAGINING the way you want life to be? If you are convinced you will be dissapointed, then you will be, but if you let the universe know you expect good to happen.........instead of "bad".........then you can open up to creating that for yourself.
What the heck have you got to lose? Faith? You've lost it already. What's the worst that could happen? You'll be dissapointed? ONLY IF YOU THINK YOU WILL BE!!! I know it's a stretch, but ALLOW the universe to work with you.
My mentor told me" NO ONE and NOTHING is trying to hurt you. The Universe is simply reflecting back to you what you are sending out." WEll that took a while for me to get because I thought that meant I was to BLAME and then I turned the negative judgement on myself....which certainly didn't help....("Oh, my god, I actually created this mess....I must be a wreck, etc). I got beyond that one, but then it was tough to swallow, because my exN is always trying to "hurt" me by attacking me legally, emotionally, etc...
BUT I AGREE to be "hurt" so you see, it's still my choice. I am in this situation to LEARN. And in learning I see I have choice. and in choice I feel power and in power I feel the love the universe/God had in mind for me as my birthright! I decide whether to be hurt or not. I have that choice.
THINK good things for yourself and just let go of the outcome.....so maybe this place you are at is not so awful. DETACH from wanting things that are not, and start creating things! Yes, it does start with a dream.
IT"S ALL IN OUR HEADS ANYWAY!!! All of it. So go for it. Detach from your life that you don't think is going well. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Tell yourself a different story about your life.
JUMP IN! It's your life. Make it what you want!!!
Sorry if I got all preachy on you....but I want to be your cheerleader. TELL YOURSELF A BETTER LIFE STORY THAN THAT ONE...and the universe will respond!!!!!
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You know Mum that does make a lot of sense. I have learnt some about the power of positive thought leading to manifestation of the positive, but somehow you kind of get lost in the pain and then it gets difficult. For me,. I believe in that but when I get to that painful place I become scared to believe so it is safer to stay in the dark place rather than put my faith in my faith i you see what I mean.
You are right though... Despite all the other crap I almost subconsciously believe that I will continue to develop my career. i really want to be somewhere and I end up there. I am just being seconded into a position I really wanted. I used to imagine myself there, and then there I was, despite everything that has happened over the last six months,. I want to be in a place where I can make changes happen. Lately I have been having this really strange thing. If i think of a film, it comes onto the TV within a short time. It's like something is trying to give me the essence of what you are saying in the simplest form that is possible in the hope that I will cotton on... then here you come with your beautiful explanation... Wow..... Open your eyes and quieten down your mind and all the answers are there. arn't they...
Selks,
That's kind of what I meant when I said "Let your imagination soar".... If you can go into the quiet of yourself and give your imagination free reign without any of the conscious worries or anxieties we carry around with us,. who knows what we can achieve. I remember after d died i was learning a lot about meditation and i was practising a lot... Anyway.. I was having a problem with my teenage daughter. I was at my wits end so as I was meditating I asked for help. This may sound a little bizzare but I imagined a beautiful face coming towards me. She looked Ethiopian and said her name was bathsheba... Later,. just out of casual interest i typed the name into the internet and opened the first item on the search engine. It was a passage about children and allowing them the space to learn by their own mistakes,. which was so relevant. It's not there now..
I found meditation quite hard at first.. but i did find that staring at a candle flame for a while and then closing my eyes and keeping the image of the flame centred was a good way for me to focus.
You asked me about my regression. You need to be kind of careful with this sort of thing because i guess the same as anything else there are a lot of charletans out there... The person that did it for me initially was great. It took about four hours. She relaxed and relaxed me and talked me into a kind of guided meditative state. I think though I need to stress again about if you do decide to do that do it with somebody recommended. after N left I went to see this woman that I found advertised on the internet. I can laugh about it now.... It was like the universe was pulling all the stops out to stop me getting there that day. Traffic, then I got lost etc... I was hours late,. but I wasn't listening... i was so determined that she would help. She didn't and I have to laugh at some of the things she did. Towards the end of the session (I had my eyes shut) She got out a pair of scissors and started snipping. She was apparantly cutting the cords between me and N... How bloody ridiculous,. I would have been in hysterics if I hadn't been so miserable.
Back to the good regression though... yeah you are kind of conscious when it happens...it's a bit dreamy I guess.
Spyralle xxx
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Hi All and thanks for your responses...
Mum, I totally get what you are saying and I really believe that you create your own reality with your thoughts. I read a wonderful book called "Ask and it is given" by Esther and Jerry Hicks, where ever they claim to have gotten the information from (Abraham or whoever) isn't important, what is important is that when you read it, it makes so much sense. It's almost like as if you are remembering it rather than hearing it for the first time.
Having said that, I feel like I need to go back to the drawing board as I haven't been practising it, or lets say I have been experiencing difficulty believing it through the rough patches. It's so hard to think postive thoughts when you have fallen and you are hurt. It seems impossible.
I had a bit of a knockback recently in my career (which seems to batter me around at the best of times anyway) and I found it so hard to jump on the positive band wagon straight away-in fact I haven't gotten up yet from that fall. I had been really positive all along and I felt like I brought this fantastic positive amazing opportunity towards me, but it slapped me in the face! It passed me right by! I thought: Fuck this! I've been doing everything right!! Grrrrrrr! :evil:
I need to learn how to look at such episodes positively. I find it so hard not to look at people who have what I desperately want (in my career field) and think that they haven't had to work as hard as I do for it. Where's the equality in that!? Life is so unfair!... and then if I think that, I get unfair so it's a double whammy and leads me into the spiral... I'm a cat chasing it's tail
I will start meditating, and writing and reading on... I'm sure I'm close to the lesson... I'm sure I am...
*scuttles off in search*
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I had been really positive all along and I felt like I brought this fantastic positive amazing opportunity towards me, but it slapped me in the face! It passed me right by! I thought: Fuck this! I've been doing everything right!! Grrrrrrr!
(((((((((((Selkie)))))))))))))
I can completely relate to this, as a matter of fact, it is what I struggle with most. The core beliefs I had led me to think poorly of myself, and put my happiness at the mercy of others: that is, that I could only be happy if I was doing everything in my power to make others happy. As we all know on this board, nice people appreciate the kindness, and N's walk all over us!
Plus, no one can really make anyone else happy.....everybody chooses that as a reaction to what others do...or not. But it's a choice.
So because I hadn't fully understood what I believed about my own GOODNESS, when I started to understand how I actually brought experiences TO me, I instantly went to BLAMING myself for those bad things that happened.
BUT, and as I said, I still wrestle with this: OTHER people, other energies are always bouncing around as well, and unless we TRULY believe we are worth our dreams, then when "negative" stuff happens, we BLAME ourselves (my line was" WHAT is it I haven't learned yet!!!???... and then a few expletives, of course!)
So what I am contemplating now is what my brother told me once:
You're life is like a car on a road and you are going somewhere, but there are other cars on the road and some of them want to go other places and they run into you or you have to slow down, speed up.....respond, but keep your own goal in mind.
When he first told me this, I was a little pissed.....what with my exNhusband's car going in one direction only it seemed: that of driving ME off the road!!! But then I came to realize that I can still drive my car to my goal, and the road is VERY interesting.....and I will have to be resilient, but MY GOAL is still worth it. AS a matter of fact, these crappy things that happen make me a better driver of my own car, like a good coach who FORCES you to get smarter, faster, better....I am forced to take care of it....to love and believe in it. The Dali Lama says "Thank your enemies" and this is why. My ex husband has been one of my greatest life teachers ever. (bless his screwed up itty bitty heart!)
I HAVE to acknowledge how bad things are, and acknowledge I do!! but If I stay and focus on the dent in the fender (or a broken transmission!!!) then how does that help me at all? And to add another car analogy I just remembered, my mentor told me when I first talked to her 2 plus years ago: your "emotional body" is your GAS!! How can you get anywhere without any GAS?? She said this because I had a goal in mind (my life) but I was SOOOO angry and focused on what was wrong with things, that I had NO GAS (no positive energy).
I can say "damnit! this totally sucks!!!", which I believe I have every right to do, for as long as it serves me to do so..........and then when I choose I can find a way to fix it (or hell, get out and walk!), and move on.
This particular brother was just diagnosed with Parkinson's (he is only 55) so I know he is messing with this in his head now, too.
Here's to getting back up and moving on (after a sufficient acknowledgment of what has happened).