Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Bloopsy on February 02, 2006, 09:18:45 AM
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Here is a list of things about my new boyfriend that are questionable, just so I get them out.
1/ He calls black people niggers
2. He smacked and kicked me and called me a whore and offered me tpo others on the street.
2. He is sort of crazy just kidding well he makes me feel crazy and threatens to have me commited because I cheated on him and also makes references to the fact that people get killed over that sort of thing, and other threats.
3. He used to sniff cocaine, he says he would do it to make his girlfriend angry
4.he seems to sort of enjoy ----a lot---- acting like hewill leave me so that I will yell and scream and cling to him---- even if this is out in the streets ot not.
4. He seems to seriously think at times that if i loved him I would take him to this guys house that I cheated on him with so that he could kill him.
5. He bought some XXXXXXXX stuff on the street yesterday and I KNEW it and then got all mad at me when i didn't want his little drug buddy in my room to the point that he yelled at me in the street. He wants to buy me a toy.
I can't handle it
Whatever I do that he doesn't like there is always some sort of major problem. However, I feel like i would die without him, SERIOUSLY. He has many good points but his bad points are overwhelming me. I know that I cheated on him, however, I am in this position where I also have feelings for 2 to 3 other guys and can't really feel like I want to commit myself to him as I still hold out hopes on these other guys. This may sound ludacris but it is true. I am only telling the truth. However, I feel like I would die without my stupid boyfriend even tough he threatens me that I should be commited just after I am sitting around reading a traumatic letter about forced medication from some bullshit hospital. I also have no other friends that keep in contact with me but him and a total lack of healthy relationship with my "family " that I live with so it is very hard for me to break with the only person that has been there for me even when he smacks me and kicks me in public and I know he would do worse in private.
Thank you for listening,,,
xoxoxoxo
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Hi ((((((Bloopsy))))))
Good to see you again. :D
I don't like the sound of your boyfriend, sorry.
What do you think you might like to do ?
You can tell us if you want to, maybe write your choices down here, write it out....?
how are you feeling now?
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Ahh, Bloopsy. Your post made me cry.
That things of things, that you call "questionable"?
Honey, please trust me on this:
They are not questionable things.
They are sociopathic, brutal, abusive things.
No question at all. About a single one. They're ALL bad. Totally unacceptable...and they are who he IS, so that won't change.
And about you dying if you didn't have him in your life?
Hon, there's probably a greater chance that you will die WITH him in your life.
I think what you love is having someone to hold. It's not him, it's belonging somewhere.
Who could blame you? It's got to be very hard for you to cope alone.
I can see how much, how urgently, you need a safe place.
Some anchor, some safe place and safe people where you can face your fears, a bit at a time, until you grow stronger.
Is there any way that taking some medicine and being in a hospital for a while, could actually be that safe place?
You deserve to be safe and you deserve love. But I think you have to learn to love yourself first. Not loving yourself is why you think love is being hurt by your boyfriend. He's not even a friend.
I think you need help to learn how to turn things around. Is it possible that if you went to the hospital and find a doctor who is kind, that you could say: I'm ready. I'm ready to do whatever it takes? I think they're really not your enemies, at the hospital. I know it's hard to be there, but I think it might be better than being on the streets, not feeling safe, not feeling right.
You deserve a good life. You deserve peace. Not being abused. Not confusing that with love.
((((((((((((((Bloopsy Rose))))))))))))))))))
Hopalong
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dear hurting Bloopsy! I agree with Hop- your post also made me cry. I also agree with opinions that YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A SOCIOPATH and will continue to abuse you and YOU ARE IN REAL DANGER of being seriously injured or maybe killed. This may sound dramatic and surreal- I'm not over reacting- research bears this out, personal experience and I work as a therapist- unfortunately see women all day long with abuse such as this. Please get professional help immediately- try psychologist and ask for services covered by your medical if you can't afford it, try calling hospital psych. outpatient depts. You can get through this with help and support. Please keep posting. You are worth leaving and getting help and deserve happiness, respect and above all- safety physically and emotionally. Hogs, Moira
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Bloopsy-
I attempted to reply to your post many times... then I clicked on back space, I think three times in total.
I am finding it really difficult to respond because your post affected me deeply, in the same way I feel when I see a junkie in the throes of heroin abuse.
I feel like no matter what we say on here, no matter what anyone says anywhere, we cannot help you and that is what really affects me. I have no control over you, and that kills me. I know things about you that you haven't grasped and my powerlessness is the thing I find most frustrating. I wish I could lock you away and reprogramme your mind, ease your hurts and make you strong enough to realise that you deserve better... but it's not my trip, it's yours. I just hope you can reach the place where you realise that you are a lovable creature.
I find it very painful to hear about your horrible abusive boyfriends... and you "question" them... I truly hope that you rise up out of this...
If it's any consolation... I guess I know what it's like to be lost among people who do not bring out the best in you... I get the sense somewhere within your post that somewhere deep down, you feel like you are better than this... why is this voice so silent?
How can we help you find your strength?
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A silly post! I signed my last post- " Hogs, Moira"!! Hee hee! Not very consoling- unless you're into pigs in a big way? Hugs, Moira. PS- totally agree with you Selkie- and hi!- I too have more than a few experiences with abusive sociopathic boyfriends. I married a few which is even more....! We do learn from experience. After banging my head on the ol' masochistic wall- just doing what i know and what i learned from family- I was able to start changing my dangerous and self destructive choices and choose good guys. Can't do it on your own- you need professional help to unlearn old ways and how to be good to yourself- not to mention- how to spot the abuser! Hugs, Moira
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(((((((((Bloopsy))))))))))
You're post made me want to come and pick you up and bring you home with me to a safe environment!
I can only imagine how confusing it must be for you, to have someone treat you nice, and then behave like this. I can understand why you feel overwhelmed and feel that anyone in a relationship with a guy who is treating them the way he is treating you would feel the same.
Maybe something to think about is how do you feel when he does each of these things? The only one bit in your post where you say about how you feel is when you say "he makes me feel crazy". And maybe another thing to think about is why would you die without him?
I welcome you to share your answers on here, but fully appreciate if you feel you wouldn't like to. There is no pressure.
One thing I do ask though.... please will you come back and let us know you're ok?
Take care of you... you are important.
H&H xx
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Well, thank you for all of your replies. I admit that I was not expecting such intense reactions to my post. I guess that I did not really think that it was all that bad OR SOMETHING. But it is really nice to see that people care. THe thing is, I would appreciate it if no one ever mentions hospitalization to me again. my life is in wrack and ruins and am do I but at the same time, I just got out of the hospital where I was abused much worse than how my boyfrind who at least makes sure that I have enough food and stuff. I was tortured and forced to watch other people be tortured in the hospital, and have been in there 3 times previously before, and it has never helped me. Please do not mention this to me again. But thank you for your concern. As for the person who wishes to reprogram my brain, that would be really nice of you but too bad it's not your trip!!!!!!LOL. I feel so bad that my boyfriend is a sociopath. Do you really think that he is a sociopath??????? I thought that he was not a sociopath. I think that maybe I am a sociopath too. Oh well.
I am okay. i asked him to leave today, and he did, and i told him that I do not want to see him for a few days. But actuall;y, perhaps it is better not to see him at all. He was threatening to have me committed to the hospital too. Anyway, I have no other close relationships anymore. i thought that I was making new friends and getting back in touch with my old ones and stuff for the past times, WHATEV it's none of this business and very embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But at the same time, even though i really did try to keep in touch with my friends, I could not do it. It just didn't work at all. i am very sad about that. I can't really say why i am having so much trouble however needless to say that it is not just this guy. i am also obsessed by these other guys to the point where I call them even though i know that they will NEVER call me. Isn't that pathetic??????? Too bad i have also started to sort of stalk one of them. Just kidding. Anyway, thank you for your concern. i admit that when i am not completely in denial or dissociated which is most of the time, I feel like my boyriend is really really really scary for me to be around. But at the same time I feel bad becaue I am like, maybe i am just as sociopathic as him or something. I don't know. I always think that of myself though when involved with dangerous people. I guess that is just my cup of tea but I am getting a little too old for it it is just not cute anymore LOL. Anyway, I am afraid that I will end up dead dead dead because nobody seems to really care without being manipulative or whatever, and I am a multiple or WHATEVER, have been so traumatized that I can't trust a therapist even if some of the other things that are going on weren't going on, I am sorry for going on and on here but to be honest I have no one else to talk to anymore whatev. Anyway, I am very upset. i fear for my life. I will probably be dead soon. I am greatful that i made it to my thirtieth brithday. i wish I had listened to you guys earlier what with your advice. I guess that I will try to get away form my botfrind. But at the same time too bad that he knows where I live. he said that he would not hurt me. i thought that those other guys cared about me. i guess I am jsut a piece of stupid trash. i wish that I owuld just realize it. THere really is a part of me that thinks that I am better than this but I have fallen into a dark dark dark very very very dark pit very very very dark. I don't kno what to think . I think I thought that I was better than this but maybe that I really just thoguht that becaue I was so afraid that I was NOT if you know what I mean. Anyway thank you for listening because I have no other people to talk to and i always used to like to write on this board!!!!!!! Love always, B
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Oh Bloopsy love to you TOO...I am so glad you came back and wrote some more!
Thank you for doing that, I mean it, thank you...
You touch my heart--I think it's because you are one of the most HONEST people I have ever read.
You are in a lot of pain and confusion sometimes (and that's not your fault!)--but even when you're having a very hard time, you just open up and pour out what you are really, really feeling.
I feel honored when you make that choice, to open up and pour it out. I am grateful that you share whatev is happening with you. (I love the way you say "Whatev"--I never heard it before and it's adorable, by the way). It is a privilege to read about you and to care about you, and I do.
You are a valuable human being.
Your illness does NOT make you a piece of trash...NOTHING can make you a piece of trash! EVER.
You matter. You are a precious and important human being and you deserve peace.
I don't know what the exact right answers are for you but I still believe your life can get better.
I am just wondering, is there any sort of church or other place where you feel safe and as though you are with good people who would never try to harm you?
That's what I hope you can find. A gentle place and gentle people.
You deserve peace.
With much love,
Hopalong
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Hi. I do not know of any church. I am at the point where I do not trust anyone due to reasons I do not feel comfortable talking about, needless to say that they are good reasons. ANYWAY. I actually have nowhere to go where I feel okay. I am still very suspicious of my moms boyfriend to the point where I feel like he set me up with my aabusive and sadistic therapist, and he defends his friends when they mistreat me, and even goes as far as to say that it didn't even happen. In other owrds, it is HORRIBLE. Also, it is very icky for me to live in this house that he rebuilt after it got burned down in a fire by his brother, and even though I know that I am lucky to have a room and believe me I feel guilty for having it---but at the same time, I hate living in a place where I can't get away form him as he is working on fixing the area right next to my room, and when I am in there trying to rest it is very icky for me to feel like I have nowhere to go and he will be hammering and I can even hear him BREATHING. This may sound like a minor complaint but the fact is that he has emotionally or WHATEVER tortured me in my life and hearing him breath through the walls when I try to get away from it all is just horrible if you know what I mean it is just awful and i hate it to tell you the truth not to sound like a spoiled brat like my boyfriend or rather exboyfriend would like to think that stupid idiot. Whatev to him. BY the way he also slammed me on the head three times on the street really hard and kicked me up the butt really hard too. Really hard and it hurt. That is very wrong. At the time I felt like i was in a movie and was like a hero who could take a lot of abuse on the streets. Whatev to that. Taking abuse does not make me a heroe. Maybe it is becaue it is the only thing that I feel like I can do. I do not know. I just feel like absolutely everything is wrong with me and I am going to die a violent death. And many other horrible things as well of course. But at the same time it is okay. I am actually not a very honest person. I have not had the chance to get on any solid footing since I was three, so that has made it hard for me to be a real and honest person but that is not my fault.
I do not know what to do. I am very afraid in fact right now. I just feel just awful and like I might end up in this house of death with my family forever. I can't take it. Being with my boyfriend is better than that kind of slow and painful death of the soul. I hate myself. But how can I go out in the streets knowing that if someone tries to hurt me, I will not even be able to be taken seriously by the police, who feel that I am wasting their time whenever I try to make a complaint. How can I go to therapists that I don't trust and think that that is okay????? I have enough problems in my internal environment and in my external environment already without being corrupted AGAIN by some horrible therapist who is using me or something. How can I go to doctors who might be abusive to me????How can I do that. I can't.
Also, I do not trust anyone. I have actually considerec not talking to anyone ever again, not even speaking ever again. I want to become this sort of person who just does not talk becaue when i do I get abused for it believe me. Probably I think that you guys may even be making fun of me. I am very upset but very numb. I am very sad that my life turned out this way. I am very sad about what happened to me to make me this way. I am very sad that ihave been only met with more abuse when trying to get help. I always somehow thought that the abuse would somehow turn into help. I thought that I was special to my abusers. I was not. i was onlyused by them . i have a feeling the story goes a lot deeper than i would let myself believe or imagine or know. i would like to think that I had anyone out there on my side but too bad I don't. I think that you are right. I would like to be locked away in a room and be reprogrammed by Rick Shapiro. Whatev
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I care, Bloopsy. I am not laughing at you.
I believe every word you are saying about how you feel. That's the honesty I mean...not that you never in your life told a lie. I just mean your emotional honesty comes out, and it's powerful.
I think since you're 30 (I'm 55) you might believe, because you've had so many abusive people--even therapists--that you have to rule out all hope that you could ever find a therapist who would not hurt you.
Are you positive that's true?
I hope there's a part of you that might consider that it might not be true.
There might be a therapist who really, truly is NOT interested in harming you (even though what happens in therapy sometimes is painful or scary). Just like there might be people who are not laughing at you.
I hope hope hope you can try again to trust a kind therapist.
I am so sorry that you're feeling so sad.
Try to sleep well tonight.
Hopalong
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I feel like I know for an absolute fact that I cannot find a good therapist to help me. I am very upset about that but at the same time I can't be bothered with these people who act like they are helping you only to stab you in the heart in the end and then blame it all on you if youKNOW WHAT I MEAN> I think that i will have a very good sleep tonight as I am planning to break up with my boyfriend but at the same time need some advice. I feel that he will probably be a danger to me in the future or at least an annoyance to me in an xtreme way if you know what I mean. I do not know what to do about protecting myself from him in case of point if he may perhaps come around to hurt me. i have been relieved that he is in a program at night where he has to be in by 10 oclck so that he can't bother me. But at the same time I feel like he is a very ACTIVELY violent and dangerous person to me for the fact that he hit me very hard on the head and face and kicked me up the butt and that was horrible. And furthermore nobody stopped him or cared at all on the street and needless to say that i am in a position where the police will only either laugh at me or unload their burdens on me, ie, tell me that they are very busy dealing with murders, the poor things. ANYWAY. I am very upset. I could be killed. I have a cell phone but yeah right that the police would help me if I am in danger. If I believe that then i also would have to be an idiot. I refuse to blame myself. I hate that. I got involved with another dangerous man what a suprise. I hate that. i am such an addict of abusive men it seems. I just seem to think that they are SO GREAT and WONDERFUL and COOL> OR "SOMETHING"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL>###### Anyway, off I go to smoke my last cigarette!!! I hope that you are not laughing at me but I can't help but thinking that you are because I have been so traumatized by well you know. LOLxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxdead.
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You know, I feel like I just can't adsord any of the kindness on this board anymore due to my total lack of trust for everyone all the time at all these days. I hate that. Every minute is a torturous nightmare and then I feel bad that I just don't care when my boyfriend talks about how hurt he is by me cheating on him. i just feel like laughing to tell you the truth. i just think it is ridiculous the way he just blames everything on me but than I start to see him in another way, then another way, then another. Anyway, I can't live up to trying to be a person who he would not abuse. I just can't. The emotional torture is x-treme. I am left shaking on the streets often until i have "proved" myself to him enough to the point where he can stop "testing " me. Not only that but he goes to my sister behind my back and tells her things about me which I do not appreciate. Everyone is a stupid lying idiot tellling LIES---and they are LIES about me and I hate them for it. But I will not talk about that here. I am in danger of being killed and maimed to death everysingle minute of my stupid life. i have to go. I will end up in a very bad way. I know it. I do not have any options to list. My life is basically over. I do not exist anymore and have completely erased myself from the planet. Life has not been fun. I feel like I should just say goodbye. I am convinced that you guys are laughing at me and manipulating me for some reaason beyond my understanding. i hate that. But unfortunately i am used to it. But at the same time it is painful for me to leave this board but at the same time who wants to be manipulated. It reminds me of my damn childhood. it really does. Now I feel like I just have to go away by myself ---- nobody likes to be tortured and have their lives spread out for the world and all this horrible crap. I want to die but I won't do it. i guess I am still holding out a shred of hope. But when I go inside myself to deal with the pain and betrayal I can't face it. I am not a horrible person but I still feel like i just need a break. I refuse to go on lik this anymore. I wish i had someplace where there were gentle people who I didn't have to have sex with to stay with them or something becaue i am tired of that to tell you the truth seriously. i hate that. i cna't handle it anymore but will if necessary of course. how embarrassing. i hate everyone. I can'tbelieve that life has turned out this way of course. I am sorry for such a horible post. I just feel so wierd and hurt that a lot of the things I havesaid and written in pain are now being laughed at. and have been being laughed at all along and no one can tell me that they are not because I know in my heart that they are. i hate that. i just feel like how can i withstand it anymore. How????????? Does anyone here know how to withstand being harrassed everysecond of your life if so please tell me if it is not one thing it is another seriously. I wish I could find a safe place but everything that I thought was safe has been riped from me now I am starting to sound like my ex boyfriend on one of his cold voiced rants. That sucks. Like me. Whatev
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(I can't sleep either tonight, but I'm going to try again. Wanted to answer you first Bloopsy. I was just lying here and said a prayer for you. I hope everybody will.)
Here's another way to look at the trust thing...
I can't make you believe me, that I am not laughing at you. (Nobody can, if you're certain.)
If I tried to tried to force you to believe I'm not mocking you--and I don't know anybody on this board who would--then I would not be respecting your right to decide for yourself.
I don't want to make you feel "wrong" for not trusting. You have had very good reasons for not trusting. I think it's been a survival tool for a long time. I hope in some way though, you can let good people in, who want to help. Just when you want to, and when you can.
It's up to you. You've had enough abusive people in your life. I am just hoping that some part of you might try to allow the possibility of hope, that you can find a kind, safe therapist.
Maybe this is a good place to practice. You are safe here, no one can touch you. And you could experiment a little, like you have tonight, with trusting us with your story as it goes on. I know when I have been in a lot of pain and fear, and have written about it here, I have felt very cared about. Now and then if someone isn't quite so kind-sounding, that's okay. We can just go past that one.
I respect you, Bloopsy. Here's why: In spite of everything you're feeling, a lot of overwhelming pain and chaos, you've had the courage to write about it. And then to come back and write some more. That is the sign of a brave heart. And it's nothing, nothing, NOTHING to be embarrassed about! I feel you have tremendous courage to have survived at all. You inspire me.
I hope you can try to believe that your mind might be telling you wrong sometimes, about some people. Even therapists. Some therapists, in some places, are kind and caring and would never abuse you. I am so sorry you haven't found one like that yet. But I hope you will try again.
(You're right about your boyfriend. I hope he will leave you alone and then you will leave violent men alone. I am so glad you are seeing how this isn't appealing to you anymore like it used to be.)
I hope you will let your small hopeful thought--I deserve better, life can be better---get a little bigger every day.
Love,
Hopalong
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do you really think that I am in danger form my boyfriend????? I really really need help on this one becaue I feel like maybe I am, even like my life is definately in danger, most definately i will probably be killed. He repeatedly warned me that people get killed over this sort of thing, and everything. He is always talking about that. I am afraid that if he gets kicked out of his program he will be out in the streets at night and kill me. My family is just like everybody else. They are so stupid. They will not protect me and if Ithink that they will I am nuts. And it is not that I am immature to be wishing my family would protect me, it is just that I am desperate. I have a feeling that they would, well lets' just say I have a feeling that my moms boyfriend purposely told x that I had gone outin order for him to get even more mad at me and maybe hurt me after I said when x comes please tell him that i am sleeping. I know that he did that on purpose. I think that he wants me dead, I don't know whay I go into denial about it though. It is just a feeling that ihave. that he wants me dead or hurt by x. H, do you think that I am in danger of being killed???? I need help. I feel like my sis ter only wants to talk to me about it sort of for entertainment in a way--- BUt anyway needless to say I really don't have anyone to turn to that will take me seriously and not exploit me. I feel like I should not need any emotional support but actually i do to tell you the truth. i just feel like I have to prove, look, I know I seem to live with these nice people, in a good home, but it is not what it seems at all. I can't pretend that I have a support system when I don't. These people can't care if I live or die and if anyone tells me that they do I will slap them . They can't care if i live or die these people in this house. I can't even say the things I want to about them right now. But needless to say that it is horrible and terrible and I have woken up in the mor ning a few times feeling like I had just been abused. I told my ex therapist and she said that those were old feelings but that is a different story. I do not know what to think. She also manipulated me for a long time and added even more voices and problems to my head. it is horrible. She told me things that were not true were true and then allowed me to suffer over them for years while she acted like she was helping me. Why. I am not a horrible person and I never was. I am justt tired tired tired tired and probably will be dead. Whatev. I hate it.
I think that I am in danger of being seriously seriously hurt by this man. I am very afraid. I am very very very scared. What should I do??? Should I go try to stay somewhere else, no one ever lets me stay with them even though apparently I am about to die. I can't be out in the streets alone anymore or in this house I forget why. What do you think??? Should i try to find some guy to stay with??????????///
I think that my boyfriend is going to harrass me. i do not know what to think. He knows that I have no one there for me, although he tries to turn my family against me as well. I am afraid. i hate him. I feel like we are going to have trouble in the streets. What do you think?
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXdead.
Love always, BloopsyROSE
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Bloopsy Rose… that is such a lovely name by the way.
I really hope you come back and share with us some more.
I understand how scared you are, I can feel how afraid you are and I wish with all my heart that I could do something where I could ease your fear and give you hope. I feel it cannot be very nice thinking we’re laughing at you, although hopefully I can reassure you that I am not, but it is up to you if you choose to believe me or not.
Change is scary, trusting is scary and trusting the right people who care is even harder and scarier and taking risks to trust is scary too. You are an amazing person, and I’m honoured that you are sharing with us on this board…. It is a big thing. I’m in my thirtieth year too.
Do you want to change Bloopsy Rose? Do you want your life to change?
I’m in the UK, hence the different time for my posting. Over here we have “Women’s refuges”, where women (and their children) who have been abused can go and be safe, where their husband/boyfriend/family member can’t find them, and the staff of these places do everything to ensure their safety. The staff support the women who go to them as much as possible, giving them safety and support. Do you have something similar over there? Does this sound like something you could consider? I’m not trying to put pressure on you, I feel that you probably feel under enough pressure already with everything…. All I’m trying to do is offer another option, maybe somewhere to go, if you decide you want to.
I really hope you keep posting here….
Take care of you.
H&H xx
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Bloopsy I want to say, about what you said:
I think I thought that I was better than this but maybe that I really just thoguht that becaue I was so afraid that I was NOT if you know what I mean.
Yes! I know EXACTLY what you mean. Like I was fooling myself but underneath I really was stupid and bad. I know what you mean.
Honestly, I don’t think that today. I can hear you saying that you know that you’re not bad, that it’s not your fault and so on. I hope you’re starting to believe that, really believe it.
Bit by bit we get stronger and we start to KNOW ourselves and trust what we think and feel. True.
Thinking that we’re laughing at you is okay, it’s what you feel. I would never laugh at you. I wouldn’t do that to you. It’s not funny what happens to you, and what you’ve told us. However can I say this: some of what you’ve written shows you have (1) intelligence and (2) a great sense of humour….like this:
i am such an addict of abusive men it seems. I just seem to think that they are SO GREAT and WONDERFUL and COOL> OR "SOMETHING"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL>######
Did you really LOL there? If you did – great! Laughing at ourselves is such a huge benefit. Even is it's said in a kind of twisted way. Do you know what I mean? I mean it's okay for you to laugh at yourself but that doesn't mean I do it to you. I don't laugh at you. I appreciate you and like you. I want you to really get this Bloopsy!!!! It's important! Anyway, i think it's important.
I used to think abusive men were coooool too. Yeah. Mr strong, treat-em-rough types. The ones who are angry at life. The ones who are mean. I understand that it can be very attractive.
Trouble is. Do you want to live? Do you want to laugh?
With men like them, it seems (to me) we never get to laugh. It’s always emotional overloads. It’s always shouting and fighting, drinking, drugs or something.
A terrible thing is, they don’t change, we get older and one day we don’t find it exciting or attractive any more. But can we get out?
You’re still so young Bloopsy. In 10 years, 20 years, you won’t be so young.
Think what you could do for yourself in that time.
Think about yourself. You can’t find the answer in men.
I was wondering whether there are any women who could help you, instead of a man.
Just one woman who could help you?
Is there one?
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(((((((I think I sure don't want you dead, hon.))))))))))))))))
I don't know what he would do. I think it'd be best to just keep away from him now.
Something in your first descriptions of him made me think he won't spend his time stalking you--of course I can't know that for sure, so I think if you stay away from him and stay away from the places he goes and hangs out, that'd be a good idea.
My guess is he's likely to get bored when he doesn't get to spend his time dominating you. And then he'd go off and find someone else to mess with. Most men that macho are cowardly--slamming your head, when you're smaller than he is--and kicking you so hard) That makes me want to kick HIM.
But I can't be positive.
Try to figure out if your fear is based on real and immediate danger, or not.
Buy some pepper spray or mace to carry with you, and think about where you go.
You might go to a nearby church or clinic and talk to the social worker or minister. You have the courage. If you could tell him or her, I am here because I need hope, but please understand I have DID which used to be called MPD (spell it out for them). I need help, support, and a community of friends. People who will be understanding and tolerant about mental illness.
If you go the church route I'd aim for a liberal place. Some of the fundamentalist churches can be wackier in their approach to anyone who "hears voices" than the poor person who came in the first place. If you could just keep it simple, what you said to them in a first conversation, that would help.
What about a women's shelter? wouldln't that be another good place for you to go? They have support groups and counselors. You tell them what's been happeneing with your boyfriend and they'll believe you and help you...
These are just some ideas out of the air, I can't see where you are or what support might be there. But I did think of churches and social workers as good kiinds of support. (Maybe that's because in my church we have a woman with DID, another woman with schizoprhenia, I know a woman with severe bipolar disorder, and a few others with significant mental or physical illness...and we have learned how to help them feel safe and part of our family. The woman with serious schizophrenia has been coming there for 30 years. She lives in a halfway house in town and has a peaceful life.)
You matter, Bloopsy Rose.
There is no reason you should slip between the cracks.
You are very smart and brave, in spite of everything that's happened to you.
So I believe THAT voice, the one that says, I deserve a peaceful life, and life can get better...is going to eventually be your main voice. One voice.
Love to you for Friday, and keep on posting!
Hopalong
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Bloopsy hon, one more quick thought:
If it's hard for you to imagine reaching out to a new T or a new social worker or a new minister or whoever...
It just occured to me that you are such a great writer. You really do pour it straight out, and it's all real. I don't mean that you don't have any problems with voices and that...but your posts make it so clear that your life is real, your issues and fears and needs are real. And your strength is real too!
I was just thinking if you shared your posts with a new person, such as a minister or T, let them read through them, they might understand a whole lot more. They would understand better what you've been through, how you feel, and how scared you are.
Maybe you could go to someone's office and ask them to read a copy of your posts (if you're able to print out a copy) or even show them this one.
Sometimes it's so exhausting to try to explain everything to a new person, when it feels so overwhelming. But you've already explained a lot of it here, and you've done a damn good job of it too. So maybe this board could actually help you in THAT way...we could be another voice for helping you!
(Don't do it if you think it's a silly idea. I just liked the thought of taking us, because we are real people and we do care, with you---to a mininster or therapist.) If you have a hard time introducing yourself into safer situtations with new people, why not take us with you? :P The main thing is, in sharing here, you've done a really good outline of what your feelings are and what your situation is. I think if I were a minister or a social worker or a kind, safe therapist...reading these pages would really help me help you.
Just a thought.
Off to work,
Hops
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Bloopsy
I only read the first two items on your list before thinking "She has to get out of this relationship."
And you do.
This man is dangerous to you in every way. And though he may have "been there" for you at certain times that is NO justification for his behaviour.
Please contact a domestic violence shelter in your area to find out about temporary housing and other services. If you have the money to get a place for yourself, do it NOW.
Do not tell your boyfriend what you are planning to do. Just disappear. If he harasses you, call the police.
If you have no family and friends to really support you, so be it. It's not easy to be on your own but you CAN do it. Starting TODAY, do everything you can to be your own support system. And avoid anyone who is negative to you in any way.
Now is the time to be self-centred - because you need to focus on your safety and your recovery from the abusive relationships. And in time, finding new healthy relationships.
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Well, I do not have the money of my own, however my mom said she would give me like 550 dollars for my own place. I am such an idiot that it is ridiculous. Seriously. It is ridiculous. i feel really bad for myself to tell you the truth and I don't think that it is self pity this time at all. I hate that. If he finds me out in the streets at night i will be in trouble. I hate this and everything else. Do you really think that I should move out of here and away???I do. I do not feel safe at all. I feel cery unsafe to tell you the truth. Especially becaue i feel like my family would not protect me due to the fact that subconciously or WHATEVER they want me dead or SOMETHING> ANYWAY> I think that i will start packing tonight perhaps. It is so wierd huh to flip around between these abusive relationships losing your mind isn't it???????????? Especially after having read so much about it to tyr to not so this anymore. I feel like these abusive relationships have sort of become my whole entire life if you know what I mean and also like it is very important for me to stay in contact with these people who are hurting me so so bad whatev I hate e erything i have ever written said or done. Whatev to everything. Love, B.R.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!XXXXXXXXXXXCCCD
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Hey Bloopsy,
Do you really think that I should move out of here and away???I do. I do not feel safe at all. I feel cery unsafe to tell you the truth. Especially becaue i feel like my family would not protect me due to the fact that subconciously or WHATEVER they want me dead or SOMETHING> ANYWAY> I think that i will start packing tonight perhaps. It is so wierd huh to flip around between these abusive relationships losing your mind isn't it????????????
Hey, I don't think we here on this board can tell you to move out of your house. I know you're really unhappy there, but it worries me to think of you out on your own with just a month's rent. You say that you're feeling a lot of fear, about your boyfriend...and you're also sure your family wants you dead.
I just want to toss up this thought: if your mind sometimes tells you things that aren't real, maybe your family is kind of clueless and don't know how to really help you--but don't really wish you harm. I mean, could you possibly be wrong about that? Could those possibly be just very scary thoughts, but not something real?
My thought is just, yes, by all means stay away from the boyfriend. Maybe just stay home in the evenings and don't go near his hangouts. But instead of thinking over and over that somebody is out to get you (the boyfriend or your family)-- I am hoping you'll put that energy instead into finding a new T, or going to a shelter just to talk to some women's advocate.
I hate to think of you rushing off with your suitcase with no plan...I'm not sure you're ready to be out there totally on your own, since you might just hook up with another abusive man, or sleep with someone in trade for shelter, like you mentioned.
Instead, can you call a women's shelter hotline and just tell them you need to come and talk to someone? They can probably recommend a really safe T who has helped women in your situation before.
If you can endure things where you are for a little while, but still go find a safe, kind someone to help you think through your options...that might be a better plan.
Try to do what you've learned before to calm your mind a little. You can make these choices one step at a time--but do get some help. Don't try to go it alone when you're feeling fragile, okay?
I really think you can find your way through to a calmer life. But you deserve good, wise, kind help--and I feel so sure that a women's shelter would know the kind of people to recommend to you.
You're stronger than you think, Bloopsy. Try to calm the fear, and try to remember the most helpful things you've been taught or have tried when your "crazy" thoughts start overwhelming you.
Just one little decision at a time, okay? Well, two:
1) stay away from abusive men completely!! (Time for a man-break...)
2) call a shelter and make an appointment to go talk to somebody (and just tell them who you are, or show them what you've written--then they can help you better.
If you need to live somewhere else, a safe kind counselor can help you figure out how to get there, but one step at a time. (You did start trusting here, right? That shows you really can...)
Be careful, but don't be terrified, Bloopsy.
You are going to be okay.
Hugs,
Hopalong
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Do you really think that I should move out of here and away???I do. I do not feel safe at all. I feel cery unsafe to tell you the truth.
Hi again Bloopsy Rose... Yes I really do think you should move out of there and away too... however, I don't feel you should just go anywhere. I feel that you can really think about where you can go, maybe think of it as making a positive choice for you? Are there any other family members you could stay with, like Grans, Aunties, Uncles, if you didn't feel comfortable going to/or ringing a woman's refuge?
It is so wierd huh to flip around between these abusive relationships losing your mind isn't it???????????? Especially after having read so much about it to tyr to not so this anymore. I feel like these abusive relationships have sort of become my whole entire life if you know what I mean and also like it is very important for me to stay in contact with these people who are hurting me so so bad whatev I hate e erything i have ever written said or done. Whatev to everything.
Honey, I understand how you must feel like your losing your mind. I feel that anyone in your situation would be feeling the same... Why do you feel that it is so important to stay in contact with these people?
You might hate everything you've written, said or done, but for what it's worth, I don't. I'm so glad you came to this board to share with us....
Looking forward to hearing from you again soon.... take care of you....
H&H xx
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Bloopsy,
Please pop back in and let us know if you're all right...
I know that must have been so draining, to share all of that...it might have just exhausted you.
You don't have to explain or answer anything, but do pop in if you can just to say you're okay, if you are, or not, if you're not... I hope things are calming a little and you're taking a step that you can.
(((((((BLOOPSY ROSE))))))))
Hopalong
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Bloopsy,
Life is sometimes two steps forward and one step backwards. You have experienced so little kindness in life, that it is difficult for you to get out of patterns of behavior. How are you doing with alchoholism and AAA meetings by the way?
I would strongly suggest finding a new therapist, especially as your mom seems willing to pay. Check with Dr. Grossman, he might hav referrals for you. It's true that it will be hard to trust a new therapist after you were abused last time, but you gotta start somewhere, right?
Take care kiddo.
Marta
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Hi Bloopsy,
You might think that you, or your story, are so ugly that no one can hear it and care about you. This is not true. All of us who have read your posts start to care deeply for you. Just like you, we are not quite sure what to tell you to do. But we care and we are listening and supporting you.
All of your learning from your birth has tried to teach you that you are bad and wrong and dirty. But there is a little light shining through all of this, that is making you come up here and reach out, that is causing you to try to live. That is your real self, your real beautiful smart clean good self. Making its way like a laser beam through all the mess that has been piled on you for so long.
Try to live through that one little light. The more you stay in it, the stronger it will get. Just try to focus on that one small voice inside that tells you the truth - that you are good, that you are right, honest, innocent. That you have hope and you will live. You will find people in your world who can help you.
Plucky