Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: movinon on February 12, 2006, 01:48:33 PM
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To update everyone, my stbxh retrieved his shotgumn from a friend's house last night. He was not supposed to know where this friend lived and "coincidentally" picked it up when only theie 15yo son was there. After CPS said they would not investigate, they apparently got a report from the counselor at the women's shelter which they took seriously. Well, they called me on Friday and I asked that they not contact him until I had my daughter back.
They asked me to come in on Monday with her. I'm thinking someone slipped up and tipped him off and that's when he decided to get his gun. I had taken the gun to this friend's house when I left 1 1/2 years ago.
I called the police last night and they were HORRIBLE. The cop was degrading and shaming saying all of the things I "should have" done when I was with him. After I confronted him on the phone he was a "little" more willing to help.
The bad part is that I was trying to call my lawyer as well and was in a pretty messed up place. We had not accounted for "emergencies" like this, so I was left w/ leaving a message at his office. I did have HIS layer's home number and called and left a message (my lawyers assured me that this man would not let my husband do anything harmful - they're in a men's support group together). I told his lawyer about CPS (as well as the gun). Now I'm thinking my stbxh will be well-prepared to deal w/ CPS.
Movinon
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Try not to panic, Movinon.
This is now how it is going.... When you have your daughter back...do as they say and go to speak to CPS. Does your daughter come back today?
Consider having someone there with you when that happens, please. (I assume your ex brings her to your house?)
Take the shotgun seriously. Why does he have one? Why does he need it now?
These are serious things going on.
Do not get intimidated by cops. They can add such additional stress....but hang tough, as you did. Make them do their job...they work for the people (or are suppose to).
So what if your ex has info on CPS, etc.? Telling his lawyer about their involvement may prevent him from doing something awful to you or your daughter. THAT is what matters right now. Don't worry about the future legal dealings. You have just cause to make the decisions you have made.
Trust yourself.
It's ok to be emotional (who wouldn't be). Don't waste any time at all berating yourself for an emotional response, when you wanted to be "cool". It's all fine...You are protected. You are in the right. Breathe. Expect a positive outcome. This guy is going down, but he's not going to take you with him!!
You and your daughter are what matter. Focus on that.
Sending warrior angels....we've "got your back!!"
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Mum,
She's supposed to be deliverd to by house this afternoon. I have a STRONG feeling she won't be. The gun was a gift from my father. He never used it (except to threaten to shoot himseld in front of the children and I).
Why does he need it now? No IDEA!!!!! I think he's playing cruel mind games w/ me.
I will take it seriously and hope that I am over-reacting, but it's my baby he has!
Movinon
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Huge hugs Movinon.... I will be thinking of you. I know that doesn't help, but it is all I can do. I hope it turns out well for you and your daughter is back soon .... Take care...
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Movinon. If he does not come back with your daughter, contact the police. Take an officer with you to retrieve her. I can't believe he would be that stupid...especially if he has a lawyer (who would tell him not to screw up).
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hi M, I have nothing to say except hope your fears are unfounded and thinking of you.
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Movinon,
Please take all Mum's advice...
You hold on strong...
YES the police are YOUR public servant and you are not wrong to assert yourself to them, or CPS.
You are a mother tiger and it's okay to roar.
HUGE STRENGTH TO YOU.
You are not alone.
With prayers,
Hops
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My daughter is back!!!!!!!! I had a couple of people w/ me in case he tried to pull something.
He did not answer me when I asked about her school uniforms and walked off. Apparently, he was EXTREMELY upset about the police being called on him. He told them that he did not go to pick up the gun. At first I was upset about this, but I realize this will be GREAT evidence for court. The only bad thing is that I think he might have it stashed at a friend's house.
I found out that he's been telling everyone in 12-step meetings (we both belong to the same) how horrible his bitch of a wife is treating him. Fun huh?
Oh, he also had a "female friend" over at 10:30 last night. My daughter was sitting on her lap when the police arrived. He has been seeing this woman for about 3 weeks now, and get this, she has a 4 year old daughter. I hope she protects herself SOON!!!! Please say a prayer for her and her daughter that her eyes are open!
I was just telling a friend tonight that he has been acting strange for about 3 weeks and then I find out this piece of information. Isn't intuition a wonderful thing when you let it in? I KNOW this won't be good for his case either, and he is a RAGING sex addict and I think it won't be long until he's having "sleepovers" w/ them. I hope not.
Green cards - Does anyone know if someone who posses a green card but is NOT a citizen can have firearms? Gary?
Also, the gun is registered in my deceased father's name. My ex never registered it in his name. Do I have any legal recourse there?
CPS tommorrow
Movinon
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Whew! I'm breathing a sigh of relief for you, Movinon. Of course he is angry. Don't even concern yourself about how he feels. Move on, movinon....do what you must. I think your lawyer, or maybe even CPS? might answer your firearm questions. I know in the state I am about to move to, being in posession of a gun that is not registered to you is mandatory jail. (can't wait to get there!!) The state I live in now, however, anything goes....you can "pack heat" anytime you want....of course it must be registered.....but in the wild west...YEEEHAW....just about anyone can get a license to walk around with a gun...even a concealed weapon (not too many hurdles for that even). I can't wait to get out of here!
But I digress....maybe you can call the state regulators or whoever they are who do that kind of thing and simply ask those questions.
Good luck tomorrow....may the force be with you (the mother force!!!).
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I'm so glad she's home safe.
Sending strength,
Hopalong
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Thank god she is back safe and sound. First thing I did when I woke up was check and see :)
Take care, I hopw it gets sorted out for you.
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I'm so glad your D's home safe and sound.
Stay strong.
H&H xx
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Hi movinon,
I am not aware of any law barring a non citizen from possesing a firearm, assuming the person has a clean record. But I'm not sure, having never dealt with the situation. I suggest you Google BATF and contact someone if you want to know definitively.
However, if he has any convictions for a felony, or has been convicted of domestic violence (even a misdemeanor) or has a restraining order against him regarding a domestic partner, been judged mentally defective, is an illegal drug abuser or has been dishonorably discharged from the military, then he would be generally prohibited from possesing a firearm.
As you point out though he could simply store it at a friends house, although this would subject his friend to possible prosecution if your nut is prohibited from possesing a firearm.
Hope that helps.
mud
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Well, my D and I were at CPS for 3 hours this morning. My D did not indicate any sexual abuse, but did admit to showering and sleeping w/ her dad who apparently wears pjs. I gave my interviewer my "list" that I posted here + behaviors w/ the children. Needless to say, she seemed taken aback. She asked if he had ever been diagnosed w/ a mental illness!! We go back tomorrow for a physical and they will be calling him and will meet with my son as well.
One of the character references I gave is my sponsor and a therapist. She's the one who told me before I left that he was BPD and a sociopath and that he was VERY dangerous. I think she will be key in this case b/c she's seen him in action.
I am terminating my contract with my collaborative lawyer. He even suggested that it's getting pretty serious w/ the gun thing and him LYING about having it. I have already spoke w/ another lawyer who will be meeting w/ me tomorrow. I will go and try to get a PO in the morning.
I'm now debating on hiring a PI b/c of his involvement with this other woman. If he is starting to outright lie, and she (maybe) has some kind of history, proving that he is lying would be BAD for his case.
Movinon
On the gun thing, he IS an alcoholic, who stopped drinking 4 years ago. He is untreated though. Hopefull, he will be under a PO soon and the gun will be taken away (if they can FIND it).
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Mum, H&H, bean, Hops and mud,
Thanks for the supportive words. They TRUELY do help lift me up to take on this battle
Movinon
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Well, the DA's office would not issue a PO b/c we have already filed for divorce. And, since he hasn't "done anything" since I left him in Sept. '04.
I did talk to my new lawyer after that. She seems like she will be really good. She is filing for a TRO and supervised visitation. She also requested the services of a GAL AND evaluator (b/c he is so tight, he may want to settle once he hears the cost).
He is supposed to be with my daughter tonight, but I will keep her. We have NO ORDERS, and my attny. says if I can get something from CPS that says he's under investigation, that will prevent the police taking his side. At the DA's office, they said to make sure to tape the conversation (where he will be angry and probably threaten me) and call the police as soon as he shows up at my door. So I'm preparing for more drama this afternoon.
I was feeling pretty good after that meeting until I passed by his house and saw him (off work) in his lawn chair smoking a cigar and posing for a woman. Talk about knife to the gut. I didn't expect to have that feeeling. I knew about her, but man does that hurt.
He's been telling everyone in meeting what a bitch I am and that he was such a devoted husband. Devoted??!! - not even 2 months later and he's already got a woman?
I know, it's none of my business, but I just wanted to VENT :x
Movinon
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Hi movinon,
I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know but please be extra careful from here on out. When their fantasy world gets threatened, somebody as unbalanced as your STBEX can become very unpredictable.
Take every precaution you can think of.
mud
PS. I don't believe alcoholism can be used to take a firearm from someone, unfortunately. It has to be an illegal substance, although your state might have a law in this regard.
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Mud -
Hell, I'm in the deep South. People would probably think there was something wrong with a man that didn't drink alcohol and have a gun!
Movinon
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Mud honey,
Can we crack just one little joke about birdshot now, huh? Pleeeeeeeease?
Okay, I won't.
(Boy am I being wicked tonight.)
(((((Mud))))) (((((MovinOn)))))
Hops
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Hoppy,
You can crack wise all you want. :D
mud
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WIERD! WIERD! WIERD!
I made the decision to NOT have my daughter go to her father's house tonight and was expecting nuclear fallout as I did not inform him of this. We have been doing this schedule for almost 1 1/2 years. Well, no call, no visit. I am grateful, but VERY confused.
He usually picks her up from daycare (and actually FORGOT about her last week). I am on my guard b/c he is such a schemer, planner, always thinking 3 steps ahead. What's going on?!!!
I'm thinking it's the effects of the new woman in his life. He's an EXTREME sex and love addict (among all his other lovely qualities) and I am remembering when we first got together. It was ALL ME - the kids were something hanging aroung the edges of "THE PASSION"
I'm feeling really hurt for my daughter. I did not tell her her daddy was supposed to pick her up and didn't show or even call. Man this is some sickness. Has the woman's little girl replaced his own daughter? Well, she will NEVER hear that from ME!
I'm going to do my "thing" to get myself to a place of serenity about this. Thinking about all the things that may have happened is DRIVING ME CRAZY! I will let my higher power take this one.
Movinon
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MovinOn, hon,
I wonder if in some way it might possibly be a blessing that he's starting to fixate on another (unfortunate) woman?
For you and your D...?
You are taking ahold of your strength and you are strategizing and thinking things through and he's thinking...with his little brain.
It is a bald shock to see how quickly an N can replace you...but at some level, for me, it also registered as a further confirmation of how glad I was in hindsight that it ended.
Make any sense?
You must be zapped through with adrenalin from all this...(((MovinOn)))
Glad you have "the thing" to do to take care of yourself.
That sounds GOOD.
Hops
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I will let my higher power take this one.
Good to hear this Movinon. I am glad you have some spiritual practice in place to clear this crap. He sure can sling it. I am focuing on you, sending you peace and strength (that I suspect you have a lot of...but we can always use some for back up!)
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Bean, Hops, Mum - Thank you again for the support. I am happier today and aware of the sick feeling in my stomach. I am determined not to let it run me though.
Hops - Yes, it is more of a belssing than I know, AND it hurts somehow. How the heck does that make any sense after everything he's done?
There is a chance that I will see him (an his gf I'm sure) tonight as there is a celebration I have to be at. My plan is to sit in the front so I can not see them "flirting" and to leave my children in the care of someone he doesn't know and that I trust implicitly.
Movinon
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There is a chance that I will see him (an his gf I'm sure) tonight as there is a celebration I have to be at. My plan is to sit in the front so I can not see them "flirting"
just don't go if it will make you uncomfortable.
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Hey Movinon,
I agree strongly with Write and would add these thoughts to consider:
You can "call in sick".
If it will destabilize you or increase the threat level (as in, if there's any chance that seeing you might trigger increased aggression on his part, even if it comes next week)...I would also say: don't go. A few days ago you were terrified about what this person might do with his GUN, and you want to be in the same room, concert hall, restaurant? (I'm not getting it. Help me.)
Imho, NO celebration, ever, is "obligatory" enough to be more important than you safely and swiftly strategizing your life AWAY from contact with this person. Minimizing it at every possible opportunity and by every choice. For your daughter's sake. And your own.
I hope you'll decide not to expose yourself to him unecessarily. If that hurt you mentioned is a kind of ambivalence (yearning to see him in spite of everything)--you're not weird: so many abused people--even while trying to move on--do feel ambivalent, feeling the "tug" of being attached to the abuser. But if you are feeling that kind of feeling, I'd suggest: try to pull your ambivalence up into the blasting sunlight and give it a good, long, what-is-reality kind of stare.
You are a smart woman, Movin. (Now I'm really dishing out advice, hope it's okay.) I'd suggest: Ask yourself what you really want (in your life, not in the short-term). If you want consider a different decision about this event, maybe contemplating that very deeply could be helpful.
Sorry for sounding so opinionated but I am feeling an urge to protect you (maybe even a little, to protect you from yourself). Or maybe I'm having an unhelpful fixit fit. If this is unhelpful, please ignore it.
I don't know what the occasion is, but I know you and your daughter deserve to be exposed as minimally as possible to a poisonous dangerous man who is still fighting you and actively interested in damaging your life.
Sounds to me like having dinner with a rattlesnake. Even if you can't "see" him, won't you hear the rattle and imagine the fangs?
It's just what strikes me (no pun intended).
Be good to yourself,
Hops
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Hops and write - Thank you for speaking your truth.
Gotta get a little more clear here. The weekend I was on was a woman's empowerment weekend where I am part of the staff (a leader in training actually). This is MY turf. The sticky part is that there is a "brother" organization just for men and a lot of women go through after their husbands do. It is an honoring ceremony for the women that have just had their guts exposed and repllaced. I have A LOT of support there (this is part of my support network). Unfortunately, BOTH of our support systems come from this place and from our mutual 12-step program (that also has mostly gender-divided meetings). It's been difficult b/c some people find it too difficult to maintain relations w/ both sides andneed to choose a side. (Doesn't that happen in MOST divorces?)
I don't want to be chased out of town and away from my support (women and men that love me) b/c of him. I can say it's truely not b/c I want to see him (today, at least). He makes me want to puke. There will be LOTS of people there who know BOTH of us, so I'm not worried about his behavior there.
My daughter is set to be w/ a friend's house and he has no idea where she lives.
Luckily, he seems more eager to not have contact w/ me! :P
Movinon
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Well that makes a lot of sense.
I'm sorry for the condescension of the "protection"!
Sounds like you have your wits about you, as well as good support.
(I can understand better now why you refuse to be peeled away from
there. It sounds like a strong and EMPOWERING community.)
I hope you have a gooooood time. You do such meaningful work and
this does sound like a very important milestone for you and your community.
And thanks for correcting my assumptions so politely. M.O.! Wow.
(Interesting that I intuited I was having a "Fixit Fit". Busted!)
:oops:
Hops
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Hops, No offense taken at ALL!! I'm hearing that you care and how could I be offended by that?
I was SOOOOO good tonight. I called about five friends and had them save me a seat between them up in the front. I didn't want to have to see them fawning all over each other.
Sure enough, he showed up with her (hand in hand I think - I saw a glimpse of him with a dark head bobbing next to him and immediately turned away). I warned my support, positioned myself strategically and never looked into the crowd when I was up there. I took my appointed seat between my "sisters" and NEVER looked back the entire time. I also made sure to allow myself to laugh and have fun. At one point, some people were introduced in the crowd and everyone turned around to look...
NOT ME!! I'm blessed to have friends that would not tell me anything either (Where are they? Is she pretty? WHo are they sitting by? Are they looking at me?) Nope, don't even BOTHER to ask. By the time it was over, they were GONE!!!!
Man, does this feel so much better than having had another knife thrust into my stomach!
I'm pumped! To quote Bruce Willis "Yippie ky yeah m*#ther f*#@er!!"
Sorry, I know that was crass, but I feel ready for battle!
Movinon
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Oh, I love hearing these powerful stories. Thanks for sharing.....this can be done. I know you don't want to focus, but what the hell is wrong with that guy, bringing his new "thang" to that function. Soooo glad you will be rid of him soon. Don't be too sad for your daughter that he is bailing a bit...what I wouldn't give for my exN to disappear....oh, wait, he is now in Italy!!! But when he gets back he will force himself back into our lives....yuck.
Anyway, I think you are amazing. Send me some of the power.... I could always use it.
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(&(&&(&(&(&(&(&(((MUM)))&)&)&)&)&)&)&)&)&)&)
Power sent!
And I don't blame the woman (lord knows I've done that long enough). She's just been hoovered in like I was.
Movinon
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Thanks, Movinon....I GOT IT!! Thank you.
You know I have this picture in my head of you as this powerful warrior woman! I can learn a lot about channeling anger from you, I think.
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Wowsa, Movin!
That is a wonderful example of self-respect and self-protection while feeling vulnerable.
And so wonderful that you allowed pleasure in the event, too!
I looked at the training on your link on the other thread...can't imagine what's wrong with sharing something that's given you so much. It was very interesting and if it were very cheap and very near I'd probably go.
Congrats on your triumphant experience of loving yourself tonight.
Good GOING.
Hops
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Mum,
powerful warrior woman
Funny you mention that...that's what I've always wanted to be like! Thanks for the huge compliment. I must say I had dreams about them getting up and tormenting me. I think a lot is worked out through dreams
Hops - Thanks for the words, and yeah, it's a little expensive, but not broken down - it's equivalent to about 2 years therapy and there's a 1:1 ratio! It's such a great weekend that the volunteers actually PAY to volunteer (and there's usually a waiting list!) That's just my 2 cents.
Movinon
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Hi Movinon,
I'm glad things went fine at the ceremony. You sound like you are doing great with a difficult situation. I just have one thing. Do you have to drive past his house? Could you just avoid doing that? Unless you have to.
Plucky
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Plucky - No!!! I absolutely DO NOT have to drive past his house and that is counter-productive. Just a weak moment and I immediately called my support system and made the commitment to call 10 women if I felt the urge to do it again.
Thanks for pointing that out.
Movinon
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Well, I guess weekends are going to SUCK for a while. The SOB stole my motorcycle last week. I noticed it was missing on Sat. morning. I KNOW it was him and I can't PROVE it. It makes sense though, b/c my neighbors says he thinks it was gone by Thursday when he got back from work. My stbxH would have been pretty upset after I didn't pay attention to him and his little gf AND after getting a call from CPS.
I suppose I could get a PI (more $$$$$$$) to have him watched b/c he's just cocky enough to show up somewhere on it. I'm sure it's not at his house.
I reported it to the police on Sat. after I noticed and told them where I think it is. I thought I was pretty screwed, but I noticed in the collaborative ppw, it said there is a 30-day waiting period where ALL agreements made remain in effect. I guess the saying is true...give them enough rope and... watch 'em swing!
I will hopefully speak to my lawyer on Monday and we will come up with the best way to go about this. I also found out that he can not have possession of a gun unless he is a US citizen, which he is NOT. Man am I ready to get him! I am SOOOO sick of his BS
Movinon