(Therapy, in fact, results in the exposing of this pain—and resisting the inclination to re-cover it quickly—so the wound can heal naturally over time in the context of a new loving attachment.)
The immediate natural inclination to such an event is to defend our positions/selves, quickly to re-cover the injury, to say in effect: “you are wrong about me…I am not like that…I have value.”
Look at the vehemence and passion required to protect/restore our selves.
Look at the vehemence and passion required to protect/restore our selves. Understand it, qualitatively and quantitatively, as a measure of the protection we needed and lacked from critical (both meanings) people in our pasts. Think about the destruction done to our selves because historically we had no protection. Talk about it, cry about it, own it. Here, we are all fighting for our lives.Regarding your above quote, I would like to comment on the response below by Marta.
Richard, I worry that these words could be misconstrued to accelerate the Dionysian bias that already exists on this board, which is perhaps at the very crux of a lot of miscommunication and conflicts on this board in the first place, where feelings publicly expressed most vehemently and passionately are often perceived to be “real.”
I just feel so ill-equipped for being capable of getting it most times... here lately. I did not have these problems when I was in denial. I used to think my "life" and family's way of being was actually normal and OK. As a matter of life and death, do I believe I am going to have to honestly, openly, deal with my short-comings and fears and pain.I was numb for a long time and thought I liked it that way...sometimes, I still do. But when I see clearly, pain and all, I'm glad to feel life. Pain is a sign of life and I always know joy comes after the pain. Joy could not be recognized without pain and ,IMO, any extreme emotion is still better than indifference.
When Dr. Grossman started his post talking about people feeling worthless at their core, that there is little or nothing of value, I kind of thought people would recoil at that statement. I thought people would object to it. But no one did. I personally find that thought kind of repellant. It doesn't really compute for me. I don't think I'm worth any more than anyone else, but the idea of feeling that there is little or nothing of value at my core is completely alien to me. I don't get it.Not to be confused with "rotten to the core"...Here, IMO, I understand Dr. G to mean that when a child is rendered worthless (ignored/alone/less than)by the most important influential people in their life, the unfortunate result is to the core. The pain is so ingrained or "imprinted" that it must first be recognized for what it is, and then the work of healing and how to heal can and must begin. At this point, I have found there is no turning back. With love from a believable, consistent, compassionate source, I am finally starting to internalize that I AM OK...at my core. My opinion of me is finally starting to be what matters most. I can finally know what it truly means to love yourself before you can fully love someone else. I always knew there was more to that than I understood. I have also felt how love can actually change my brain...therefore, my insecure thinking and need to passionately protect can begin to change, as well. This has been, and continues to be, a very slow and difficult process... with a great desire to learn all I can from everywhere. I feel I am in the "middle of the middle" of this process, and I already I know I usually feel better and will be better. Maybe my poem below will describe this better for me.
You're right though...you need to fill up that empty space. Ask for what you need.
Sugarre:
When I read the posts of Marta, I felt defensive although I was not the target
But your point has certainly provoked a lot of angst on this board. Is that your point? Is this all about you?
I have also felt how love can actually change my brain...
Replacing fear with curiosity is a wonderful concept.
Why I felt like that is my stuff, my problem.
If it looks like a naracissist, walks like a narcissist, talks like a narcissist ... is it one? Or is it just a victim, awkwardly struggling to recover?
It was a call for special people Marta. An attempt to rally a group who would be secret.
I guess it depends on me learning in each new situation where my feelings come from and that such strong reactions aren’t relevant today. But of course I also need to be aware of being too gullible and vulnerable where it isn’t safe or appropriate.
It was a call for special people Marta. An attempt to rally a group who would be secret.
No..................................................................................................................
It was a call for people who are at a specific stage in their recovery. I see voicemaking process as having two components. In the beginning, it is necessary to confront others in order to find our voice. In the second stage, it is necessary to confront ourselves and our own shortcomings. In the end, my life changed only when I changed myself. This is not to say that the process is clearly divided as such, but this is how it more or less goes, in my opinion of course.
Would you kindly point out exactly what I wrote in this thread that gave you this feeling?
Judging from how few stories or delicate moments of epiphany from those who confronted themselves and their own shortcomings I read on this board.
It was simply an expression of a craving for sharing at a deeper and more personal level, which I think may be facillitated if there were some simple rules of engagement for those who can accept and abide by them.
it does not feel safe to me to talk about these things here on this board.
My high school was a nice, homogenous environment where people gravitated towards each other and formed groups, yet we all belonged to one big umbrella.
You are right of course. I should have been a lot more sensitive and responsible in the way I went about it.
You can't keep avoiding pain, can you?
by just being with your fear.
to face all the chaos
doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different outcome each time. Sometimes it's just smart to go a different way.
That's an interesting opinion. Shall I ask you now.......what stage do you think I'm in??? Better not.
I asked a lot of questions back there but that one was really relevant to me and I'm sorry I didn't point that out and that you have chosen not to answer it. I can't change if I don't know what I did wrong.
Not secret Marta? So who's in the group? (nevermind.......I don't want to know the answer to that. Really, I don't. It doesn't matter. People have a right to pm you and join your group and be secret about it if they wish, after all).
I find it difficult. I say this because you said about your elder sister – can’t even love herself. Loving ourselves seems the most difficult thing to me, happening after allowing someone else to love us, allowing ourselves to believe, to trust that someone else does have our interests at heart, isn’t going to use and abuse us.
I trust what’s inside my head more than I trust the stuff I see, hear, smell
I’m not that important to anyone, except myself.
Mum:
And with love, I guess comes faith....and trust, etc.
I have a really complex relationship with my past, especially with discarded parts of myself. I see them as disembodied ghosts that sometimes show up my way when I see someone who is haunted by the same ghosts (truly, or just in my own imagination).
I am comfortable in my skin today in that no one can invade me any longer, but I also want moreIf so, "the ghost is clear".