Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: deenpac on March 07, 2006, 11:33:10 AM
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Hi all. I am new. I am married to an N who has recently told me that he is in love with someone else (a married woman who has 3 little kids). He told me that he doesn't want to be married anymore the night before I started a new job (that I hate and is causing amany physical ailments). Since then (a month ago) I have lost 15 punds, have blurry vision and numbness and tingling down into my lower back. I am having panic attacks every day, cannot sleep and cannot make any decisions or take care of daily things.
He has zapped my confidence and esteem and I dont' have a good social network beciase I was so involved in our marriage (long story). He is holding the fact that we own a business our only real source of income over my head (says that if I get a lawyer he can just quit the business and I will be left with nothing)
I am a wreck. I am seeing a counselor but that is half and hour once a week that I have to pay for. I really need friends that I can talk to or see and have no clue how to get them.
How do I get myself back? How do I start to feel better? I wish I had someone to call or meet with.
deenpac
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Hi Deenpac,
How completely overwhelming. You have come to a good place. I've been here a few weeks and it has made a difference already. So many personalities here with all kinds of experiences to share. This is a place where people will listen, too. Keep checking in when you can, read the various threads and talk about what's going on with you. It will help.
Pennyplant
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hello deenpac like pennyplant i have only been here a few weeks and the support here has helped so very much.all ns are stinkers. my n father took the first half of my life and i am just now peeking out of the hurt box.this site will give you friends and the understanding you seek lots of hugs
moonlight
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"He is holding the fact that we own a business our only real source of income over my head (says that if I get a lawyer he can just quit the business and I will be left with nothing)"
First of all, DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING YOUR HUSBAND SAYS about the legal or financial aspects of your situation. He has betrayed you. He is not on your side. You need to get your own legal counsel, and do your own thinking and strategizing. Make copies of all important documents and keep them in a safe place where your husband CANNOT get to them (e.g. a safe deposit box). Be prepared to play very dirty - he will.
Second, do everything you can to stay in good physical health. Rest, exercise -whatever is possible. Also try journaling, meditating, listening to music to help process your emotions.
I'm very sorry that you are in this situation, but you can survive it!
I can also recommend a good internet forum where there are lots of women who have gone through similar experiences. PM me if you would like the details.
Stay strong.
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Welcome Deenpac,
I'm so glad for you that you found and reached out to this community. You will find support and comfort here...and a place to come together when you're feeling alone. As a somewhat infrequent poster, your following quote drove me to comment.
He is holding the fact that we own a business our only real source of income over my head (says that if I get a lawyer he can just quit the business and I will be left with nothing)
If the business is the only source of income for both of you, HE will no longer be left with an income if he quits! You, on the other hand, will still have the business! Now, I think it's funny that he didn't offer to run the business, or buy you out, or ask you to buy him out! To me, this implies:
1. he is acting on your insecurities and is bullying you
2. he has not thought it through or, has he prepared another source of income for himself, or does he expect that he can leave you and remain in business with you?
3. he's bargaining on the fact that you are physically and emotionally weak...therefore, he thinks you will be intimidated and cave in...YOU WON'T and don't need to. All you need is to believe in what you have been doing in the business all along...with and/or without him. If you find it difficult to professionally proceed at this immediate time, get good help from people who can perform whatever is necessary. Pay a professional to handle what you can't, but keep a close watch. That's all. Yes. that's all! It is really that simple. The money you pay to have good help will be far less than the expense you would incur if you need it and don't do it. Cheap help is usually just that. Anyway, it would probably just be to get you over the hump, or maybe you'll find business has been good and you can afford it, along with your involvement.
Now, I don't want to sound like I'm over-simplifying things, but from my perspective( not emotionally involved)...Take it slow, take a step back, and realize the simple facts will get you through. Good luck in whatever you decide about the financial and business piece. As for the relationship, heartbreak, marriage and the rest of it...I'll reserve comment to someone more proficient in that area.My best to you and your family. Remember, if you reach out, you are not alone. Best,
BJ
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Thank you all for your comments.
Pennyplant and Moonlight52: thanks for the moral support, I really need it at this time. I feel so alone and so overwhelmed.
marrydunne: I WOULD like that forum but I cannot PM you, there is no option. (maybe because you logged in as a guest?) could you reply with the forum or PM me?
BJ: Unfortunately, we own three businesses, one is keeping us afloat, the second is one that we have been funding since we got married (his dream) and has not made ANY money yet (the first customer has been just around the corner for a few years now) and the third is his own. They ALL need him to operate. I am very much in the background. I have done some creative work, like logos and the like, and some data input grunt work, but I don't have a clue on running them. He says that he will split the one that makes some money, but expects me to help fund the one that doesn't if I want to own half of that one. That one has the potential to make it big, that is partially why I have backed him in putting all of our money into it. So now that I have no savings due to that I feel like I DESERVE half of it but cannot afford to input any more money. The third business that is his makes a lot but he is unwilling to share that one will me because he says that he will need it to fund the second one. It is all so complicated and over whelming. On top of it I have gone back to work but my training was so long ago that I am not prepared anymore and I HATE the job.
I don't even know where I am going to be living once our house sells (we will be lucky to break even!)
I hate to be so down about everything, but I cannot find even one thing to hang my hat on here. And he can't even take any responsibility for having broad-sided me this way. It seems that I need to be angry with him but am angry with myself more. How do I get back to my old self and start feeling okay with being without him? I wish that I had a single friend that I could move in with and start to heal but I don't. I don't know anyone that I could move in with and I know that I would just have a nervous breakdown if I was alone in an apartment somewhere. That's pathetic, isn't it?
deenpac
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Hi deenpac,
Believe me, there are many women here who have been through (or are going through) equally horrific experiences. Keep posting, and let them help you. I'm sure they will. I offer you the biggest hug I've got, too. ((((((((((deenpac)))))))))))
You've got to think about your survival and your rights, and to do that, you need your own lawyer. Please don't let your husband threaten or bully you out of what is rightfully yours. It sounds like your husband is using every psychological tool at his disposal to make you feel isolated, powerless, and dependent on his good will. While of course I don't understand the details, it seems to me that this will be a very complex divorce, with many decisions to be made. You can't depend on him to act fairly. It sounds like he has his own agendas, one of which is the survival of the business that means the most to him. That may be far more important to him right now than your welfare.
Please take care of yourself, and please connect with some real live people. Perhaps there's a local divorce support group? Perhaps your therapist could refer you to a group? Do you belong to a church? My point is that you need somewhere to go that is safe and supportive, where you can feel what you feel without looking over your shoulder. You also need to take care of the basics--eating, sleeping, exercising (if that's important to you). And I think you need to remember that this will be a long process. You can't expect to be OK every day.
For now, I hope you will keep posting, and let us reassure you that you will survive, even if you think you won't.
best,
mcginnis40 (aka daylily, but that's a long story)
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Thank you mcginnis40. I feel VERY anxious all of the time. REally overwhelmed. I wish I could stop the thoughts of worrying about the future. NH has agreed to SLOW things down but the daily living stuff is driving me up the wall, especially the job. I need to take Xanax to get through the day.
I need to sleep for a few days!
deenpac
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Welcome, Deenpac,
I was wishing for you that you could go on a weekend women's retreat.
I have, a few times, when I was in crisis and it gave me an infusion of energy and hope.
I won't be any help with the financial side but I used to have terrible frequent panic attacks and now they are gone. Just want to offer you that hope, as I know how self-reinforcing anxiety is.
Don't beat yourself up for anything. You are swimming hard and it IS exhausting.
I'm glad you are posting here.
Hopalong
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Deenpac,
I wanted to apologize for my over-zealous last post. I still feel you have options, but I don't have a clue about your situation...so what do I know? How long have you been married? Your business situation does sound complicated but your lawyer will help you with this. All is not lost...even if it feels that way.
Most important--take care of yourself. Hopalong is right:Don't beat yourself up for anything. You are swimming hard and it IS exhausting.
I'm glad you are posting here.
There is hope. Be a good friend to yourself...go easy. Try hard to continue to believe in what you know to be true about yourself. What you are feeling right now is overwhelming and is a signal for re-evaluation and adjustment. Life has a way of giving us what lessons we need to learn. Writing, privately and/or on this forum, will help. Many of us have been where you are and it does change and it may even be better than before. Here, we are never alone. This is The Lonely Hearts Club Banned.
I find I learn a lot about my unconscious through writing. Also, I find it cleansing. Be gentle on yourself and keep your eyes and ears and mind open. Wishing you freedom to believe in you, and all that goes with it,
BJ
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The forum is "Trubble's Catbox" at www.drirene.com.
I hope I'm not violating any board rules by mentioning another forum. It's very active with a big membership so you should be able to get lots of advice there.
Please remember that you are definitely not alone. It might feel that way sometimes though. I think joining a divorce support group is a good idea for that face-to-face contact.
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Deenpac,
You need 3-D people and support, too.
What's free or low-cost in your community?
Women's Resource Center support groups? A church? City-funded mental health services where you can often participate in GROUP counseling at hugely reduced rate and find friends at the same time?
Hopalong
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To Deenpac,
My heart goes out to you...
This is not a nice situation you are in. I can't imagine how you are feeling because it's times like this we all need someone to come along and take us under their wing. There is help out there. Do not listen to another word from your husband, N's are liars and manipulators and they love a good drama.
I don't know what advice I can give but to give support and be an ear for you. I think definately get into a local support group immediately. Either a womans support group, church group or even join a hobby class of somesort. Online groups are great too. But make sure you get out too. It may be daunting to go out and find a group but its only daunting the first day.
Also I really think go and have a hairstyle change and color and buy a new outfit. This can help too.
I really feel for you, you didn't deserve this. Allow yourself to feel and express how you feel. You are strong enough to get through this.
My prayers and thoughts are with you
Jessica :)
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Deenpac,
My heart goes out to you. I agree you are working very hard to survive, I believe it is very normal to be having panic attacks, at this time, with the shock of betrayal.
Your not alone!
You need to take care of you, be your own best friend. Get some exercise, listen to your favorite music, do things to make you feel good, stronger and distressed.
Wishing you all but the best.
(((((((hugs))))))
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Thank you all.
I will go to that on line group and try to See if there are any local divorce groups. I live a bit rurally in Michigan and doubt there will be anything close but I will try.
I am trying now to not think into the future More than a week or so. I find that looking at the BIG picture is really nerve wracking. I just want to crawl into bed. I feel I deserve to stay there for a week and betaken care of, ridiculous?
deenpac
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I am having a very difficult time taking care of anything right now. Even little decisions are overwhelming. Maybe because I relied too much on him and the relationship for my emotional well- being. Now I have a difficult time SELF-SOOTHING. I hate to sound like a big baby. Has anyone else gone through this? How do you start to take care of yourself and find strength? Strength is really what I need right now. I am pathetic.
deenpac
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Hon, you mentioned in an earlier post how you wanted to crawl into bed and be taken care of and in this one, how you feel like a big baby. (I think babies are very honest people. When they're hurt, they cry and cry. When they're tired, they fall asleep.)
I say you are honestly acknowledging how terribly wounded you are. Withdrawal, yearning for rescue and comfort you can trust...completely normal reactions to this kind of shock. Plus, with all your worries, you are under overwhelming stress.
Even if you live in a rural area, I think it's important for you to not let this go any further without using what little energy you have to drive your body to a live, 3-D counselor or support group.
Don't worry about your brain coming along. Just make an appointment and take your body there and keep going. Your brain will start to recover.
Please let us know...
Hopalong
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Hoppy is right, you should make a phone call, Deenpac.
I have been at the end of my rope before, for different reasons.
Just calling for a counseling appointment has helped to take some of the pressure off.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Pennyplant
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Hi Deenpac
are you still at your new job? Can you take a couple of days or a week off - these are serious circumstances. From what you describe you're driving yourself into the ground. The job isn't helping, it sounds dreadful. What can you do to get time to yourself? Can you walk away from the job - is it worth it right now...?
if it was me....I'd spend a whole day sleeping then the next day swimming and walking
can you spend a day in bed? It sounds like you want to?
(and go get counselling too?)
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I am expected top work everyday next week to cover for someone's vacation. This is supposed to be a part-time job and they sort of dropped that bomb on me last week. I think I am being used a bit.
I wish I could turn off the dread and ruminations in my head about my future and start using the fear for activity. I am so paralyzed.
deenpac
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Deenpac,
At least call a hotline. Doesn't have to be a suicide prevention line, but you even could call one of those, because they're great about having a big list of all nearby mental health resources right by the phone. You could ask whoever you talk to if there's another sort of counseling hotline you might call, or any sort of counseling center or individual counselor who might be willing to see you on a weekend.
Once decades ago when I was having terrible panic attacks, I wound up going to a hospital's ER, and had a very helpful visit with 2 resident shrinks. They asked me if I'd like to 'check in' and I said noooo, thanks, but they did hook me up with a therapy support group. Cheap, and I learned so much from the others there, many of whom had in fact been hospitalized. It was humbling and heartening at the same time.
Talk to your paralysis. Argue a little. At least make a phone call. Just make the first small action like that...is enough for today. Okay?
Hops