Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on March 13, 2006, 01:49:49 AM
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Hi,
Mom's been violently ill all day. We finally agreed I should call 911 .. long night in the ER. Just got home, it's almost 2 a.m.. She's been admitted, possible bowel obstruction. Poor thing has been in misery. She's having a CAT scan in 2 hours but I could not sit there any longer, my back was giving out. ER doc sent me home.
I feel sad and guilty (because of all the ranting at her just a month or so ago). Because I have a feeling this may be very serious...and she is verrrrry old. Hard to leave her there even though she'll get very good care. There is a big difference when I can read her needs so well (cold feet, wants chapstick, back needs easing...I know her, they don't).
My daugher doesn't return my calls for days until she's in the mood. She's anxious about money and an upcoming trip. Rarely calls me except to talk about her own troubles and I'm feeling abandoned.
Is there a healthy, non-guilt-tripping way to say to your 25 y/o daughter that you wish she would sometime (ever) call you and say, How are you doing? (Meaning...me. How am I doing.) Is it normal that at her age she never ever does? Just starts going on about her own worries and stresses.
My job evaporates July 1, I have debt and fear and stress and this will be the 6th or 7th hospitalization I've seen Mom through, on my own. I am just wishing I had family. And that shocks me, since I do have my daughter. But she doesn't feel very supportive. I feel as though I have to cope with all this alone.
Thanks for listening. What a difference between a great morning and horrible night.
Hops
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oh hops i know those long nights in hospital are rough.please do try and feel all my love and support for you at this time.it
sure can feel like theres too much going on to deal with .its a good time to slow down and take care of yourself.
i understand you feeling sad but not guilty .so take your own good advice and do be good to yourself.
ALSO YOU CAN NOT DO EVERYTHING .so for what you do need to do put one foot in front of the other and feel the strength i am sending you.i am sure your mom will be better soon .i am sure when you speak to your daughter she will understand that you need some help to cope with all thats going on.Hops you are in my prayers and my loving thoughts .i know what it feels like when you are so overwhelmed.thoughts are things and are powerful i am sending all my best to you at this time.
moon
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Hopalong,
Hugs, I'm so sorry you have so much on your plate. Your in my thoughts as you go through this with your mother. I also hope your daughter matures enough to reach out to you. You deserve more.
I hope they get your mom better! I feel so bad, I know the responsibility is overwhelming and exhausting. I hope you hop take care of you, remember you come first.I'm also sorry to hear of your job situation, that in it's self is enough! Any thoughts of an action plan for new employment?
My hand is held out for you......seasons
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Moon, I felt it. Thank you so much.
And Moon and Sugarre, you're right. I am better this a.m. about facing that the nurses will be good to her and I can't relieve all her discomfort. I am staying home this morning just relaxing and waiting to hear from the doctor.
Seasons, the job situation and search is overwhelming right now. I've worked on a new application but also have a freelance thing going (late) on top of the demands of the current job and my whole being is resisting. The plan is to launch into writing letters and sending out resumes again. But I haven't been doing it. I am nearly phobic about it after 8 years of chronic layoffs, long stretches of temp work, etc.
But phobias don't pay the bills, so thanks for the reminder.
I have an intuition that this will be Mom's final illness. A bowel obstruction is the very likely diagnosis and at 95, it's just a matter of keeping her comfortable. I don't know for sure until I hear later today what the CAT scan showed. She can't keep down the contrast fluid because of her nausea, poor thing, so she has a tube for that.
So, Moon, I don't know that she'll be getting better. But picture this: she made it through a long boring winter (she had terrible cabin fever and many fewer visitors), the weather here has been absolutely glorious for the last week, the crocuses are blooming, and she went out in her own car Saturday (by herself, at 95) and shopped for a few things and enjoyed it.
If she does pass away in the next week or so, she will have lived her life to the very fullest for an amazing amount of time, and despite the crises of the last decade, been spared much worse.
(When doctors see her they often do a doubletake and re-check her chart, because they don't believe she's 95. She takes fewer meds than I do, and she looks a decade or more younger.)
Rambling, but thanks much for listening...
Hops
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Dear Hops,
Maybe give your daughter a call to let her know Grandma is in the hospital and it is serious, can she stop at the hospital during visiting hours to help cheer up Grandma? When my father was dying my son wanted to come home and see him (it turned out there wasn't enough time, I wished I had called on him sooner so they could have talked). Your daughter may not be able to help you substantially, but it might take a little pressure off you if she agrees to go for a visit. Maybe you could use that time to rest or relax if you know when she could be there at the hospital. Later on there will be other opportunities to help your daughter think more outside her personal situation.
There is an awful lot going on right now. Each problem on its own could throw you for a loop. So, be kind to yourself. Right now, Mom takes precedence over the job search. Not much will occur job-wise in the next couple of weeks, so it can't hurt to just concentrate for now on what you need to do at the hospital and with talking to doctors.
If you still feel bad about the blow-out with Mom a few weeks ago--it seems to me she is not holding it against you! You gave her an opportunity to become her better self and her behavior did improve afterwards. That is a real gift. She also had a very good day on Saturday. That is also something to treasure.
Hang in there, we're pulling for you.
Pennyplant
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Thanks, PP.
I did reach my daughter and she was good about it, wants me to keep her posted.
She's 200 miles away.
She was already planning to come up next week...I am not sure if she can move it up a week.
She has spent much much time with her grandmother, so I'm not sure she'd have an "unfinished business" feeling about it. But she clearly wants to be kept in the loop and I'm sure would come promptly if Mom rapidly worsened or died. I don't know how the timing would work out but I don't think it would be a lifetime trauma kind of thing if she didn't make it in time for another talk.
My mother has talked to both my daughter and me nonstop for decades so I don't think either of us feel an urgency about it. She knows we love her despite the battles.
I just talked to Mom, she was able to answer her bedside phone. I'll go by later today, but she's calm, feeling better than she did in the ER last night. Said she mostly feels weak. We exchanged "I love yous", so that felt good.
Diagnosis isn't firm yet. But Google makes it clear if there is an obstruction most of the time surgery's the only recourse, and at her age, that would be very rough. She's tough and would likely survive the operation, but I think would have a hard time bouncing back through recovery. With every hospitalization in the last six years she's been more debilitated. She made it about 85% back after her mastectomy about 8 months ago, but abdominal surgery is much harder.
I will ask her tonight what her wishes are. It's pretty clear she'd have to be in a nursing home for a time afterward, pretty helpless and deteriorating, and I don't know what she would want. She loathes the place. So it's up to her.
If she's not able to make the decision for herself and they could keep her pain free, I would not put her through that. She has been able to stay in her own pleasant home all these years. And has never been wheelchair-bound or any of the very common things that so often happen to the very old. She is walking on her own two feet, and my feeling is she'd rather end life that way, than have a colostomy and be bed-bound. She does get very weak very fast when she's bed-ridden. And each time, it's weaker. But I will ask her. She's not liking this, but she's clear headed and will be able to say what she wants.
It'll all be what it will be...
Thanks all for your support and steadying advice.
Hops
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Well, poor old Mom does have a bowel obstruction, and if it doesn't clear itself by tomorrow afternoon they'll do surgery. Even at her age, there's no alternative.
I am very sad that she is likely going to have to go through this. It's very risky, and if she survives the operation, the recovery is long and brutal. Given how much she's lost ground after every previous surgery, it's hard for me to imagine she'd make it through all this. Hospital for 5 days and then a nursing home for five or six weeks? It's hard to imagine.
I feel sad. After all my complaining, and even battling witih her over the last 7 years, it doesn't feel right that she won't be here in the house. Maybe never come home again.
One comfort is...that I feel so sad. I do love my mother. She has lately tried to be more loving than her innate nature would let her be. And I will miss her, even while I do have a scent of the relief I may eventually feel when it's all over. I know it is time for the next chapter of my life to begin, but it will be hard to say goodbye.
Hops
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dear hops she has lived very long time .so sorry you are going thur this my thoughts and prayers are with you.
moonlight
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Oh Hops,
I'm sending lots of hugs and strength to you. I'm happy you we're able to share Love you's with eachother. Your heart is so big!
I pray your mother is kept comfortable after surgery.
Thinking of you with love at this very sensitive time, seasons
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(((((Hop))))) You sound only too well aware of the situation you are both in, which is good (so many people I have known bury their heads in the sand at these times, or get angry etc).
Take care of yourself.
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Dear dear sweet Hoppy
I can only imagine the worry, fear and concern you are going through at the moment.
One thing to remember is that your Mum is in the best possible place and they will do the best possible job. Also take heart that your Mum is a good age and I know you have done the best you can do for her. With regard to the blowout you had, you are human Hops hon, please stop beating yourself up about it.
I know in my heart that if you really need your daughter, she will come through for you.
Take care
H&H xx
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Dear Hops,
I am so sorry that it has turned out to be quite serious. You will do your best and you may also find that there are many small gifts along the way even on such a sad and difficult path. Just take each moment as it comes. I am also glad that you pretty much know what to expect. If someone had told me sooner about my father's life expectancy I would have done a couple things differently. No big regrets, but it taught me that the truth is always best in the long run even though it can be hard to face at the time. I bet you already know that, though, Hoppy.
Please keep us up to date when possible.
Pennyplant
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Hops: thinking of you....comfort for your mom, positive outlook for you......
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Thank you so much everybody.
Mom had the operation and came through okay...they'll watch her closely for the next 48 hours.
I waited with her for hours today...we talked a lot and wound up compaionably reading. She truly enjoyed all the visitors and attention. (If she weren't sick she'd love the hospital...so many people to charm!)
Tomorrow I have dental surgery so I'll be home with an ice pack but knowing she'll have excellent care there.
Too tired to fully express my thanks but more later...
love,
Hops
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Take care Hopalong, what are you having done? (I have an unusual interest in dental work, having had just about everything done myself, including titanium screws in my jawbone, cool eh?)
(((((((((Hop's mouf & teef)))))))))
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Hoppy hon
I hate the dentist... hope it's nothing too major and you take care ok?
Love H&H xx
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Hiya H&H, just a vote for dentists here! Please don’t hate them, at one point they had one of the highest suicide rates amongst professions in the UK because they felt undervalued and hated by patients. Please love your dentist! :D Hate plaque and bacteria and gum disease! :evil:
When I had the screws put in I was only locally anaesthetised (my choice). When they’d finished the drilling (which felt like it was going up to my eye socket) I asked for the mirror to have a look. The main man said ‘no’ and I baulked ‘why not?’. He answered ‘I’ve had too many people faint in the chair!’. I couldn’t insist but I was mightily annoyed. It’s my mouth! Haha. Weird or what? Yes I am. :mrgreen:
Oh yes, another major annoyance. I was attending a hospital for this treatment and my brown cardboard file had these words printed on the outside: NOT TO BE HANDLED BY THE PATIENT :o :o :o
so i made a point of 'handling' it as often as possible. :D
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Hiya Portia hon…. Ok, maybe hate is too strong a word, but I don’t like have my mouth and teeth poked about and I never look forward to going to the dentist… my next appointment’s in Aug and already I get the nervous feeling in my stomach. You take care?.... H&H xx
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Hoppy, glad to hear things are all right for now.
Most people hate the dentist, but I have times when I feel like in the dentist chair I cannot DO anything, or get anything done, and no one can bug me to do something...(can you tell I am a hyper "do-er" type?) so it's a chance to me to have some FORCED relaxation (except for that damn drilling sound!!!).
Tomorrow I go for hand surgery again, and I am LOOKING FORWARD to a day off of work!!! How sick is that?
But back to you and your mom.....I am glad she is finding something to appreciate in this....and that you are as well. I will continue to send love and light.
Mum
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Well, they got the titanium rod halfway in (yup, it was for an implant, Portia--I had a baby tooth with no permanent tooth beneath it...it had come out some time ago) --but midway through the procedure a "check where we are" x-ray showed they had to abandon it...something about the nerve in my jaw showing too close, risk of nerve damage if he continued. Doggone. I was somewhat disappointed and frustrated since now I've got to get a bridge...but heck, no big deal.
Mom's doing well and is not expecting me to visit again until tomorrow, so I'm savoring the downtime alone. Not hurting much so far.
And I'm feeling a sense of peace and release about Mom. What will be will be...and thanks, Sugarre. I really am starting to recognize I did the best I could, and most of the time it was patient, generous and nurturing.
thanks,
hops
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Hiya Hoppy:
I'm a bit late coming in here (been out of town the last few days) but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for the struggle you're going through with your mum being in hospital and all the stuff that goes along with that. I'm glad you wrote:
I really am starting to recognize I did the best I could, and most of the time it was patient, generous and nurturing.
That's really good to hear because from what I recall you have tried so hard to be and do those things and it's important to give yourself credit and be as kind to you.
((((((Hoppy))))))
Sorry about the disappointing dentist visit. Hopefully it'll be all fixed up next time.
Keeping you and your mum in my thoughts and prayers.
Sela
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Aw, Sela.
You are so kind.
Such a big heart.
I thank you most genuinely.
Love,
Hops
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She must be bulletproof.
Mom's weathered emergency exploratory surgery (they found and fixed an intestinal blockage Weds.) and she's up in bed in the hosp., reading the papers from cover to cover, working crosswords, and charming everyone who comes in to visit. Her biggest issues are boredom and weakness (for the latter she'll need several weeks of nursing home PT, which she's not looking forward to). But her spirits are good and she is amazing.
I am honestly savoring the time alone, however.
Just me and the dog...extra sleep, not being caaa!aaaaaled for this and that.
But...no guilt. We've both done the best we can.
Job interview next Weds....wish me luck!
Hops
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Thanks so much, Stormchild!
(If I get the new job I'll earn a good deal less which will make things precarious, but the mental health benefits of such a nicer atmosphere would likely be worth way more than the difference. Hope so, anyway.)
Hops
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Hops , I do hope you get the job you wish . Following your bliss is so good for your mental health . Any where you go the atmosphere is so much nicer.I am glad your moms better and i am sending heartfelt love to you.
Moon
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Hey Bean,
I'm not feeling resentful. She went through a horrible night of violent illness and it really distressed me. She's content and well cared-for, it's a nice hospital and the nurses are very patient. Once she's at the nursing home she'll be a lot unhappier, but I will restrict myself to half-hour visits after work, and I'm sorry, but that's all I'm going to be able to manage. Last time she was in there, she had so many urgent demands for me to fetch this and that, that it wore me out. I'll set limits at the outset this time--have already told her I'd come by after work every day. The rest of the day will be work and my own well-being...
What I'm feeling most is relief that she is okay for now, and equal relief that I have a respite at home. The peace...
Hops
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Hops,
What I'm feeling most is relief that she is okay for now, and equal relief that I have a respite at home. The peace...
I'm so happy to hear all is going well. Your one amazing lady. ((((hugs)))
Oh, and the best of luck to you and your new job prospect!
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Thanks, Seasons!
I am drained but okay.
Short-term struggle is to focus on yet another freelance thingie (sound familiar)?
Here's the truth: I have a terrible resistance to doing things I don't want to do.
I work really hard at work, and as a caregiver. I am very responsible in those ways.
But when it comes to adding more things to the plate, I reeeaaaaallllly drag my feet. In particular, when it's something I find both boring and stressful at the same time, and there's no outside motivation. (Such as a boss or parent) Left to motivate myself, I can doze away a day.
Hmmm. Big thing to think about there.
Thanks for the luck for Wednesday! I'll need it and I'll be sure to update everybody.
Hops