Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: mum on April 11, 2006, 05:19:11 PM
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In rock climbing, the most difficult and thus important segment of a climb is referred to as the crux.
In the dictionary, its a few things: a puzzling or difficult problem, an essential point requiring resolution, or the main or central feature (of an arguement, for instance.)
I have been coming to this board for a while now. When I started, it was because I saw my children as being voiceless with their father. I then found out about narcissism and identified so heavily with it (as my ex is certainly full blown NPD....don't care if anyone has "diagnosed him" ...that's my opinion.)
I am now at the crux of my life, I believe. I could use some angels, some support, some faith and love to get me through this.
Three years ago, I decided to move on with my life and move to the east coast with my children. My ex was travelling for extended periods overseas at the time. He flipped out, angry rage everywhere, I was terrified...,, and after a lengthy and expensive court battle, in which I chose to not make my children speak, or be interviewed, and said I would stay if they could not go....well, DUH, I lost, and rather than move without my children, I stayed, a prisoner of mostly my mind, and the courts, and my ex.
Back "home" (east) my mother languishes, still, in a nursing home and my siblings are mostly in that area, where I can make more money than here by a long shot. I have no one here, save my kids.
I married my college sweetheart (who also lives back east) this past October, I grew stronger and decided not to let this N moron have control over me. I got happy, I got strong. I worked hard at creating the life I wanted, not lamenting the one I still had....I have been healing. Now it's my daughters turn to learn in her teen years what I learned in my late fourties.
My son is now graduating from high school and is going to school next year on the east coast. My daughter is finishing middle school and will enter high school next year. My exN still travels extensively overseas, and still expects me and the kids to accomodate his schedule in visitation time when he misses. If we don't like that , or choose not to drop our plans for him, he threatens OR actually files court orders, etc.... (that simply cost me money as they rarely get to court). He is hiding his income, which the last time we looked, at least four times what I make.....and I don't care. I won't fight him anymore. I took my boxing gloves and left the ring.
Please understand that this man won't let go of me. He is re mariied, but calls or emails me to try and fight about ANYTHING...mostly as he freaks out over lack of control with me/the kids.
So, I am simply moving. I resigned my teaching position, am putting my house up for sale, and gave my ex his legal 60 day notice. I talked to my kids frankly and openly, and my son's opnion will not be counted, as he will be emancipated in May, but my daughter wants to move with me, and is prepared to say so to a judge. She will soon be 14.
Today, my ex got the notice, and the ******* hit the fan, as expected, His attorney called my attorney and basically accused her of lying to HER this past year by not disclosing my plans to her on the side. Luckily my attorney is smart, and of course I am doing everything that is LEGALLY required. They are filing papers TODAY to stop me. Well, they can't actually stop me, but they can try and stop my daughter.
OKAY: here's where I need the strength of angels....
My daughter is the current "possession" of my ex's that he won't let go (as he can only refuse my son college financial help, which he may do). She is totally prepared to tell him she wants to move, and she wished he would too, but she still wants to move. She told me that if he were to support this ("go ahead, honey, we will make it work so I can see you a lot, it's time your mom got to live her life"....what a fantasy, huh?) that she would be able to be soooo happy about it. She IS happy about moving, being near cousins, her brother, etc, it's just the FEAR of her father that ruins any happiness she might find.
BUT, we know him and she has been really worried about how he will "DRILL' her (her words) about what she knows/knew and when....and when the anger and rage don't work, he will begin crying and do the pity routine on her, parentifying and manipulating her into wavering on her decision, making what is already hard for her, simply unbearable. He didn't even talk to her, rather he instantly filed a petition to prevent the move. Last year, he would not agree to have her tesitify in judges chambers about visitation. HE WANTS HER VOICELESS. She is, after all, a posession in his eyes.
I know she must go through this, and when she does, it will give her strength for a lifetime. But she needs a lot of support, and I am asking it for her from you all. You have given me so much strength by proxy, I hope you can help her too.
And, help me. By simply wanting my own life, not one lived by permission of a man I divorced a decade ago, I have put my child in a position no child wants to be in.
My sister, who has an addict daughter (now, finally, in what seems to be a lasting recovery) told me she ruined her daughter's life by never letting her feel pain...by fixing everything for her. Well, I guess I can take that advice to say:
my daughter has a selfish father....and she will learn a great lesson in standing up for herself...so I cannot take that from her.
Thanks for listening...supporting...praying....whatever works...I appreciate it soo much.
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((((((((((mum)))))))) and your (((((((((children)))))))
Sending loving thoughts and prayers. seasons
For those who suffer,
and those who cry this night,
give them repose, Lord;
a pause in their burdens.
Let there be minutes
where they experience peace,
not of man
but of angels.
Love them, Lord,
when others cannot.
Hold them, Lord,
when we fail with human arms.
Hear their prayers
and give them the ability to hear You back
in whatever language they best understand.
Submitted in January 1996 by Margaret A. Davidson
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((((((Seasons)))))))) you don't know how much that means to me. That poem is so soft, so loving, I am crying.
....I feel blessed......thank you.
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YEAH!!!!!!
I am SOOO excited for the BOTH of you! You are truely taking the bull by the horns mum. What a powerful woman you are!
HE WANTS HER VOICELESS
As I see it, he doesn't have a choice. Surely your lawyer can fight for that since it's a HUGE part of it.
His attorney called my attorney and basically accused her of lying to HER this past year by not disclosing my plans to her on the side.
Well, his attny will have to PROVE that won't she. She sounds like a crazy person...very unprofessional.
Suagarre, I hope you don't mind me following your lead, but I wanted to offer this as well:
How might it have been different for you, when you were terribly upset and full of harsh self-judgement, if there had been a place where you could be received by a woman whom you trusted?
If the woman had listened in silence as you began to speak? And there had been a feeling of such simple acceptance from her that you were able to weep...finally, able to weep out all of the confusion and pain that you had held inside for so long...
And she worlessly held your hand.
How might your life be different?
Judith Duerk
I am holding you and your daughter's hands....
Movinon
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Thank you thank you thank you........ Your strength is my strength. I cannot tell you how much your voices mean to me.
(((((((((((movinon, stormy, sugarre, seasons))))))))))))))))
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thank you stormy, it's just what I need, how did you know? My daughter will like it, too.
The kids are back from and evening at dad's. It was rough, but they survived. The stepmother will not even look at my daughter. My d stood her ground and is worn out, but not wavering on her position. She said her father was very surprised. Shocked, even, at her resolve.
She basically said: I am moving....what are you going to do, take us to court? To which he said, no.
Well, earlier he put his attorney to the task of stopping us...(or her from going with me). Perhaps, just perhaps, he is seeing the futility in this all. Time will tell.
My d took a very long nap for most of her time with him today at his house.
My son was grilled about how the deficit between his college scholarship and what his dad and I have committed to will be paid...telling him he may not be able to go to that college because of money. I see this as yet another tactic to make leaving less attractive for me, as in my son might not be in school on the east coast. But I will sell my shirt to make sure that kid gets to that school. He got in, he got a scholarship...he WILL go there.
They (and I say they because the step mom is always right in the middle of the conversations, inappropriately) will have nothing left to hold over him when he realizes (he is beginning to) that I will find a way to make his attendence at that school happen. It is his dream....I will get him started, and then, I am certain, he will get more and more help toward his career as a musician...more scholarships, paying gigs, etc. I am not worried, but am always amazed at these fear mongers and what they do to our kids just to stay in control. It's ok. It's my children's path as well...and they will learn from him too.
It's not over....but the first step is the toughest....and we made it......
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So, I am simply moving. I resigned my teaching position, am putting my house up for sale, and gave my ex his legal 60 day notice.
Wow! What an incredible statement this is. You have done your time in this "school". This sentence is like your writing your name on the bathroom stall on your last day: Mum was here!
You have an amazing spirit. What courage to make such a daring move! Of course I will offer you and your family up in prayer at this time. Good for you!!!
ANewSheriff
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HOORAY Mum.
You are strong and wow, have you produced one strong daughter.
What gifts you have given your children.
And now, finally, you are giving yourself happiness too.
MUM is just the right name for you. You really are.
(((((((((((MUM & her strong brave kids))))))))))))))
Hops
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Cheering you and your D (((((((((Mum))))))))) thoughts of strength and identity
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I am so happy for your daughter standing her ground. You must be so proud of both of your kids.
I truely hope that both of your children are able to go to whatever schools they choose and that your exH becomes a lesser and lesser influence on all of you.
((((mum and her children)))
You are obviously a wonderful strength and comfort for your children.
Move, and may you all have much happiness and peace!
(and I hope your lawyer tears him a new one!) :)
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Keeping you and your D in my thoughts and prayers.
(((((((((Mum and D))))))))))))
You are not just moving.......but moving ahead.....with skill and determination.
Like a ship leaving shore.......slowly, gently, but steadily.
Pointed in the direction you want to go with more than enough steam and supplies to last the trip.
And you might have to ride out a few waves on the way but you will both arrive safe and sound at your destination!!
Pull up the gang plank.
Drag up the anchor.
Roll up the ropes.
You're on your way now ((((((((((((Mum and D)))))))))))).
Ahoy!! (salute icon please)
:D Sela
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Way to go, own your life and help your children own theirs, the best thing you could do for you and for them!!! Love to you all, CeeCee.
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I really like Sugarre's idea of your daughter making her own little bible of who she is and what she wants so she can remember when she needs to. It would be so easy to forget in the face of the storm her father can drop on her whenever he chooses. These Ns can make you forget your own name! For her to learn this lesson young--that is a lesson that will stick.
I'm with you all the way.
Pennyplant
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Wow! Thanks for all the support. I will need it. What my daughter told my ex doesn't matter to him one bit. He will fight this/her all the way. How sad and stupid. She is determined to move with me. What else is there to say? My attorney gave it one last attempt at reason....but they are raging forth on what will be a huge waste of time and money and something that will surely put the nail in the coffin of his relationship with our D. That really makes me sad for her, as my remembrances of my dad are so fond and positive. Oh well.
She is pissed and wants this over with. We will get her (through the courts, I am sure) her own attorney to speak on her behalf. She wants that done tomorrow! She has every right to say goodbye to her friends (only 6 weeks left of school here) so she needs this done.
Tomorrow the kids go to Dad's for Easter break. They will be okay, because of all the love and good wishes and strength that even absolute strangers are giving them. God will take care of them and keep them strong.
Thanks all of you.
I will keep you all posted of any significant developments.....
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Stormy: oh, boy I needed that... I told my husband and we are laughing so much. This IS his approach. WHAT the ??? is up with him? What is it he is trying to do? I think he's whacked!
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Hi MUM , Keep your spiritual gas tank full and ready to go..................................................................................
Moon
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Thanks, Moonlight. Sugarre, I told my daughter the idea of writing down how she feels when she feels "clear" so she can revisit it when she gets confused. And seeing as she is with the manipulator this weekend, she will need it...I didn't hover to see if she did, but she liked the idea...said she had thought she should journal this....
She did not really want to dad's for such a long stay (4 nights), but I told her (I hope it is true) that her dad will continue to love her no matter what, and that he won't treat her badly because of her position. I can only hope that is true. She also knows that she can come home whenever she wants while visiting him (and feels brave enough to stand up to her dad about it).
She knows this weekend may be the last really tough time about this...he may see this weekend as his chance to change her mind...and soon after she will get an attorney to speak for her.
I am just still baffled as to what my exN is thinking. She said she wants to go with me, loud and clear....and yet he will take her to court to "make" this teenager stay against her wishes. What could he be thinking??? She loves him but is so confused as to why he is fighting her (I know, he thinks he is fighting me, but that's not something I would tell her, or that she could understand...maybe later).
Anyway, I feel the love and prayers you all are sending, and so must she, as she has a remarkable resolve about this.
Thank again, friends.
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Mum,
She has a remarkable mother.
Sending strength to you both for this weekend, and joy for your journey.
((((((((Mum and D)))))))))
Hops
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they will more than survive- they will grow as people.
The level of support and honesty you provide is astonishing: you probably don't realise yet what they will gain from that!
And what you will gain when you see your kids as the free individuals you have released- not trained.
So many people want to teach their kids; I say ' learn yourself first'.
Any problem your kid has: go to the mirror- see if and what and where it's part of your problem.
You GET this without even thinking about it, you yourself are living the life you would choose for them.
Honesty, respect, careful decisions.
You held off moving until you were sure it was the right thing for you all.
You know and anticipate the N response.
He cannot help his pain or acting out his pain.
You have respected that and acknowledged that, and I am sure will continue to facilitate his relationships, however broken, whilst they benefit your children.
Your patience and tolerance and understanding inform your children more than you will know.
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Write: I humbly thank you, and all of you, for your support and positive energy.
My therapist retired a few weeks ago. It was sad as she is a bit like a mother to me. Anyway, she called today just to check in. We talked for almost an hour. She is still, without being paid, interested in me, in my life and giving me the emotional support she has for three years, just for free. Because she wants to.
I feel so blessed, by her, by all of you.
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what you gave out- is pretty much what flows back to you.
Not in any steady ordered way of us people, seeking security; but the greater flow of the universe, balancing all things, providing not only our needs- but the chance-space and experiences we need to grow.
"Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days it will return..."
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Hi Mum -
What could he be thinking???
This is a question that we'd all like answered, but can not. Who can figure them out anyway. Expect the unexpected w/ them.
How was the weekend?
Movinon
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thanks, friends.
Movinon, the weekend was ok. Kids are still with him. Until tomorrow night (long story). Both kids came over for part of Easter afternoon, and my d wanted to look at houses and room decorating ideas for "her new room". so I guess she still wants to move.
His attorney told mine that they will be taking me to task about "talking" to my daughter and gaining her "compliance" before making my announcement. HUH??? Like I wouldn't talk to my own 13 year old about her future??? Gimme a break.
Anyway, today he emailed me that if my son does not follow these "rules" he listed, then he will not contribute what he originally agreed to for his college tuition. One of the rules was that my son could not have visitors or relatives for regular or extended amounts of time (I guess this means me, as I will live a few hours away).
There were other ridiculous things, like, he can't take his car (hello, I own the friggin car! but it's not like anyone would take a car into that city anyway....), and that he (ex) demands to know where I am getting the money to pay for my portion of the tuition...(none of his business....) and that he will not be able to work his first year at all, and that he (ex) will not pay any amount above his already agreed to amount....and that he (ex) will only accept a certain amount of money that his son will be in debt (student loan) upon graduation. Yes, you read that right: HE will only accept a certain amount of indebtedness that his SON will be in....HUH??? If any of the above terms are not met: he will not contribute. Nice guy ,huh?? He's losing his mind.
Anyway: my husband and I and my attorney have all agreed: tell him to take a hike with his money. Yes, it's a lot of money, but we will make do. We will make it happen for this kid. The amount of "control" this man wants over his soon to be adult son is preposterous. He actually called this (paying for college) his "INVESTMENT". And he doesn't want to make a "bad" investment.
I feel like puking.
I have had a day from hell, but within every bad/hard/challenging thing at work, at home, with this crap,(I could fill ten pages with just today!!!!!!ARRRGGGHHH) I have found amazingly wonderful things and such kindness from people.
My mentor is willing to speak to me (crisis intervention like) tomorrow first thing in the morning...and she is hard to get an appointment with.....the guy working on my house (paid by the hour) did so much work today, it's amazing!!!.........the doggy day care would not take my dogs because I forgot to get the bordatello shots, but then MY VET (who they called for records) said "bring em on over!!!" and took them today!! (and gave me a break on both the shots and the boarding).
And the project I thought was in the tank, has miraculously recovered, and although it's going to be a crazy week, full of surprises with this student led project....at least it's a go (it means money for me).
OKAY< enough rambling. Love you guys!
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I'm glad the universe is taking care of you!
People often don't realise how much a moment's thoughtfulness or kindness means, especially when someone's going through a bad time. You've probably taken time to be kind to all these people at other times, and they remember and want to give you a break when you need it!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Time for bed y'all, g'night!
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WOW!! I am such a luddite....I have no clue how you did that Stormy!!! But I'm really tired and I just stopped to check in on things and what a surprise. Thanks.
I'm tired of this "fight". I just want to go home. But it looks like they are going whole hog for a full trial all over again. My poor d. No, not my poor d. My lucky daughter. She gets to learn this tough lesson while she is young. And then she will truly be free!
Thanks for the love....I wll keep channeling it toward my kids! Muchas Gracias!!!
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I feel a little ridiculous, bringing this back up top....but here goes.
My exN has upped the pressure on my daughter. He announced that he and his wife will be adopting a baby girl from overseas.
When my d came home from dinner with them last night she was alternately happy happy about it, and crabby about everything else....and then....at bedtime, came the tears. Afraid her dad will just have a new family and forget all about her.
Afraid that when we move, dad won't see her. She was a mess. Even crawled up in bed with me and cried like a baby. She had a hard time even talking about moving today (and usually she talks about it all the time in a good way).
His timing is rather interesting, don't you think? Both kids will be interviewed at his house this weekend by what ever agency it is that does this. My jaw has not come off the floor yet. Just when I think nothing he could ever do would surprise me...now this.
I tried to see if my reaction was because he would have a new family, and I was personally hurt. Nope. Don't think that's it. I feel bad for my daughter. Thats what I care about . I do feel sorry for that poor baby, though. They will control her they way they could never control my children. Poor thing. Control equals love. What a horrid way to do life.
I do know that to get a baby from this country it takes soooo much money. And it is no coincidence that he is now refusing to pony up for his son's college tuition.
The worst part, though, is the way he is messing with my d's head. Unbelievable!
I am moving. Done deal. My daughter wants to move with me...but now simply feels worse about it. Well, I guess he accomplished his mission. He couldn't wait til this was over??
My attorney may be able to find leverage for us in this....like wouldn't the agency be interested in what custody issues he is currently having? My friend who knows about adoptions from this country says: they could care less. We will see.
In the meantime, sweet angels, keep my d in your thoughts.
Thank you forever.
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Mum,
Breaks my heart too much to verbalize well.
Much love and comfort to you and your poor D.
She doesn't deserve this. More the point, he doesn't deserve her.
I am so sorry.
Thank god she has you, steady you.
I know once the move is behind you she will gain perspective from the distance and be able to begin her long work of understanding why this creep is willing to hurt and discard her.
Hops
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Mum,
Stay strong! You are the figure that your daughter will emulate as she moves on in life. You have dealt amazingly well with a horrible situation. I don't even know how I would begin to react to all of your exes childish, ridiculous, self-centered behavior. Mum, if I may say so... maybe it won't be a bad thing if he adopts the baby. (Although, reflecting on this, it is, because no baby should have to endure that.) OK, scratch what I said. I was thinking of you, but I think that is a wrong thought too. What is his new wife like? Will she be good to a new baby? Give your daughter extra love from me, and your son too! They will need it. But I know that you are doing what is right, adult and responsible. They will see that. Can you move away soon? How iwll that work with the judge?
I'm sending you tons of love.
Beth
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Oh Mum I am stuck dumb what kind of parent could use his daughter this way .All love and Light sent to you
Moonlight
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You have to look at it from his dysfunctional point of view: you are making decisions which are without him and not for or about him.
Big trigger for him to need to act out.
Reassure your daughter- if she gets an adopted sister that's a wonderful opportunity to be a sibling.
Tell her how wonderful she was as a baby, and how much fun and joy babies are.
Make it a positive thing for her!
Ignore his perspective.
If he does go on to adopt a newborn from another country maybe the painful process will teach him something.
You are the first person to rejoice in a new child having improved opportunities and being a part of your own childrens' lives.
Expect your daughter to have mixed feelings, not only about his acting out, but about you guys moving on.
Don't worry too much, things will move on from you trying to protect her to her being aware of and able to accept her father.
That's the gift you give with your love and patience and support.
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Thank you all sooooo much for the good thoughts and support.
I have told my daughter: "parents don't forget their children", "isn't it wonderful that they are adopting a baby that is thought of as a discard in that society", "how fun for you, you get to be a big sister"....etc, etc.. and I have near bitten my tongue off of late. I will not protect him, but in my quest to be positive and show her how anything can be a plus....I know in a way, he gets protected. OH WELL!!
I see it like this: he will do anything to protect the lie that is his life and his fragile little bully ego. At any cost. I will do anything to protect myself and my children FROM the lie....if that means he benefits as a by product....well, not my concern or my problem.
But I do see my move as an unvieling of sorts.....or rather, I am simply stepping out of the way and letting the relationship between him and the children, however awful it hurts, to exist in truth. Or maybe it's that I am finally allowing MY truth to stand....and letting what ever else happens take it's course.
As far as the courts....well, he petitioned to not let my d go with me (or actually/stupidly, that I should not move, which will not be upheld as that is unconstitutional), we responded and petitioned additionally that my d be appointed her own attorney to represent her wishes, immediately. We thoroughly expect my ex will contest that, which means ANOTHER hearing before the main hearing, just to determine if the judge will allow her to have representation....
Honestly, it's CRAZY stuff, and sometimes I just have to laugh. It's like some kind of baaaad soap opera!!!!
I can't wait to leave all this drama behind. I do know that my life will be so calm and peaceful and happy, and REAL SOON!!!
Thanks again for the support!!! Love you all!!
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OMG ((((((((((((((((((((((mum))))))))))))))))))))))))))
This is soooooo HORRID. What a BASTARD. He is so low!!!! They really don't care who they hurt in their quest for power and control do they?
Your POOR d. She doesn't deserve this. And I know she probably can't understand it all right now. My friend jsut recommended a book to me called "Why do You Have to Get a Divorce and When Can I Have a Hampster?" It's put some things in perspective for me in that it is not illegal to be an @$$hole as a parent so...
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
the courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I am simply stepping out of the way and letting the relationship between him and the children, however awful it hurts, to exist in truth. Or maybe it's that I am finally allowing MY truth to stand....and letting what ever else happens take it's course.
Amazing mum. You are standing back and finding some serenity, and living life on life's terms...BRAVO!!
Stay strong.
Sending love and light,
Movinon
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have told my daughter: "parents don't forget their children", "isn't it wonderful that they are adopting a baby that is thought of as a discard in that society", "how fun for you, you get to be a big sister"....etc, etc.. and I have near bitten my tongue off of late. I will not protect him, but in my quest to be positive and show her how anything can be a plus....I know in a way, he gets protected. OH WELL
Oh (((((mum)))) you are so loving and selfless. I'm so happy you have eachother to love, hold and triumph
forward in the mist of your daughters struggles with her father.
I can't wait to leave all this drama behind. I do know that my life will be so calm and peaceful and happy, and REAL SOON!!!
We can hardly wait for you. I can't wait to join in the celebration of calm, peace and happy with and for you and your children.............very soon!!! (((((thoughts and prayers always seasons))))
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mum,
Once again I'm sorry for you and your children as you negotiate with the a$$hole. As a mother of a child from a foreign country, I feel so badly that your ex and new wife could end up as parents. We had to go through a very rigorous process, but not all countries are as thorough. I do think this is a lot for your daughter to process at one time and I don't doubt that she is very confused and emotional right now (they are at that age under the best of circumstances). I do think that it will get better once you have moved and settled with your new hubby and his children and the environment is peaceful.
I don't think you can worry about how your ex will act toward his daughter if they get the new child. A friend of mine's very horrific ex legally disowned his (at the time) 14-year-old son (but not his 12-year-old son) when the son became angry at his father for leaving his mother, marrying the woman he was cheating with and having 2 new babies with her. It actually was the best thing that could have happened for the older child as he doesn't have to deal with whacked out dad and evil step-mom and my friend wishes he had disowned them both so she didn't have to deal with them either. I don't doubt that the younger child will have lasting damaging effects from being forced to continue in a relationship with his father.
It never ceases to amaze me how parents can be so cruel to their children and use them as pawns in a very ugly and painful game. I have great faith that you will get your d through this in flying colors because you are such a great mum.
Hugs,
Brigid
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good for you- yet another opportunity for you to demonstrate what a great mother your daughter has.
I am simply stepping out of the way and letting the relationship between him and the children, however awful it hurts, to exist in truth. Or maybe it's that I am finally allowing MY truth to stand....and letting what ever else happens take it's course.
absolutely.
Who knows. it might make them closer in time. You can't see all outcomes. I'm sure with your upbringing she'll be just fine.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Thanks again, friends. You can't know how much this ongoing support means at a time like this.
My attorney called. They want to do mediation. But get this: they want private mediation with a specific psychologist MY DAUGHTER WENT TO AND HATES!!!! When my d went to him, she clammed up, counted the books on the wall and he told me, she won't crack and I'm not going to push it. My d told me she hates him and loved to make him squirm while she wouldn't talk (she was not impolite, just didn't want to talk). My ex knows this.
I simply said, absolutely not and by the way, NO psychologists/interpreters, etc. She gets her OWN VOICE. Her own attorney, or to talk straight to the judge. NOT with someone who will mess with her head, or spend hours in her face with both parents present (can you even think of anything more horrible for her??)
I have decided that I like to say NO when I mean NO.
and I have found a new theme song....by Bonnie Raitt: "I Will Not Be Broken".
The saga continues.
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You GO, Mum!
Amazon mom.
Hoo-ahhh!
You are a mother tiger.
Hops
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Wow Mum.... What a fabulous mature daughter you have and what a great Mum you are. You have a daughter who knows her own mind, who can stand firm when something is important to her and she has a Mum who encourages her to do this. What a great combination.
Whatever he throws at her (and you), he doesn't stand a chance. When you can move into the light, there is no going back to darkness. Move on to your new life as a family with the knowledge that you know it's the right decision for you all. If he withdraws the money for college, it's only money... it doesn't buy you happiness and with N's, it always comes with conditions.
Take care
H&H xx
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He's toast. :twisted:
And he put himself in the toaster. :twisted: :lol:
I feel sorry for the poor little adopted kid though. The world would we be better off if its just another N lie.
Mum, I try to emulate your righteous, positive anger when junk like this comes along. Kinda hard sometimes, but its a nice goal to shoot for. :wink:
mud
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Aw, thanks you guys!
A long time ago, my mentor told me that as soon as I got to LIKE NOT liking this crap between me and my ex, that I would know the energy had changed and be free of him. Today, for the first time, I actually LIKED it. Not just saying,"oh, I realize that the hard stuff helps me" which it does, but honest to goodness, FEELING GOOD about NOT liking this crap. I think it is because several times in a row now, I have said NO NO NO NO. I have not minced words, I have not been afraid or worried about consequences. I finally feel the way I always hoped I would: "BRING IT ON SPARKY!!!!! Throw more ridiculous stuff my way that I can say NO to!!!!!"
Perhaps this is what my mentor said when we first talked.. I sure hope so. OR maybe I'm just pissed off, and happy to be able to stand my ground here. In the meantime...my d is at his house for an extended weekend.
Keep her in your POWERFUL prayers.
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Mum,
I am picturing a shield of love, strength and courage around her. Resistance.
Hops
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Mum -
"BRING IT ON SPARKY!!!!!
I LOOOOOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! No means know. Your powerful words match your actions!
I will send prayers to your D. She sounds SO strong. She must have an AMAZING mom!
Movinon
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Hi, Movinon, I cannot take credit for "Bring it on Sparky!!" But I think you, in particluar, might like to check out this website I lifted it from some time ago..., where, in some article, a female attorney is taking on an issue with a really horrible guy and she is NOT backing down.... www.thelizlibrary.org
It's a parental custody website, with an almost militant mother's rights bent (thought I'd let others in on that, as not everyone would be interested).
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Hi friends. Just an update and request for support: this week we go to court to get my d permission to be heard, either through her own attorney or directly to the judge. ExN is opposing it, saying she needs a shrink instead, who will "interpret" her needs and desires, because I have "brainwashed" her. If I had brainwashed her, would she be crying hard every night about how tough this is?? Ironically, she had a psych eval last year, and in the report it says she is competent to make her own decisions regarding custody and visitation. Exact wording.
But In my d's words: "I am upset because this is really hard....not because I need "help". I want to speak, and I don't want someone else to "figure me out" and then say what they think I am thinking."
Hopefull the judge will see through the stall tactics and take things into his own hands and just LISTEN TO HER.
Any positive energy you can send her/our way would still be much appreciated. She needs her angels now.
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Mum,
I didn't realize you were going through this, i am so sorry. This must be so awful for your daughter. Hopefully the judge will see through the bull. Isn't it awful how Family Law cases can be hijacked and manipulated by the party with the least emotional investment. My thoughts are with you and your daughter.
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Mum, hon,
I think your amazing D has an EXCELLENT, strong voice.
I feel a lot of confidence that she will be heard.
Prayers for you both,
Hops
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This just so sucks for your daughter mum! I hate your stupid worthless piece of crap exN-husband for not letting his own daughter have a normal childhood! That is so unfair! I hate him and his stupid N tactics for the last 10 years, and I'm sending positive energy to your son and daughter and to you so that they can find the strength to move in this quicksand they'e in. They are going to be stuck in it for awhile, and that is the unfortunate thing. There is no "quick fix" here. BLAH BLAH bleh yucky Yick. Why can't they have a normal father so they don't have to grow up wondering WHY? It is so senseless and unfair and they don't deserve this. you're the only good thing they got going and you're their only shield. thank you for taking care of yourself so well, so that you could be there for them when they need you. You're awesome! You're the best mum in the world.
crap, dangit and Phooey Piss on him! bleh, it's got such a horrible aftertaste doesn't it?
penelope
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I want to speak, and I don't want someone else to "figure me out" and then say what they think I am thinking."
doesn't that sound like the recovering child of an N!
Given last year's report said she's competent to make her own decisions, she's only gotten more mature. Unlike your ex...
Sending you lots and lots of positive thoughts (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Mum I am sending all Love and Light I do admire you and your daughter's strength
Moonlight
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Mum,
I will be thinking of, and praying for, you and your daughter. I hope you know that whatever happens here, this will bring you and she closer. It already has. In everything you write about her, I sense love and empathy. You see her and treat her as her own person. You want her to grow and flourish. Of course she knows that and responds to it. So whatever happens with the battle, you've already won the war. You have provided a young woman with a tremendous model of what it means to be a mother. She'll carry that with her and pass it on.
All that said, I'm hoping hard that your daughter gets to speak for herself. Only she can give voice to what she wants and needs.
And congratulations on pulling the trigger on your new life!
Best,
daylily
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((mum and D)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I'll say it again...What an AMAZING young woman you have there (no thanks to the phooey man!). She WILL be heard. No judge in his/her right mind could blink about what she said. The eval. should prove to be VERY valuable.
I will be sending love, light and strength your way.
Movinon
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Life is strange, isn't it?
Today I went to court, to fight for my daughter's right to be heard. Instead, I left with an agreement, made in front of a judge, that my daughter will be able to move with me. That's right. She will be allowed to move with me. It's over.....but....
we still need to hammer out an agreement on parenting time, travel, etc, etc... and for a while it looked like my ex was wavering...but his attorney insisted, it seemed that he not change his mind. So it looks like this now: She will get to move with me. We will try to come to an agreement (while he is working overseas, I guess...he left after the hearing) regarding a long distance parenting plan, child support changes, travel expenses, etc etc. If we cannot do this in the next week or so, we will then go to mediation for the same. But again and again, the judge and my lawyer kept clarifying: but d gets to go, right? YES, that is a fact. If mediation doesn't work, then there will be a hearing (still on the books for the original relocation) at the end of the month, to settle those things in the courtroom. It may still get messy.
I think all this happened because of a few things: my lawyer started playing hardball, insisting on knowing where every penny of his money is, etc... and I have always thought that his big fear is in being exposed in that department.
Or perhaps, he realized how futile it was. Or perhaps he really felt bad, putting his daughter through all of this.
Whatever the case, I thanked him after it was over and he wouldn't say anything, but gave me a look of well, pure hatred.
An hour later, he called me on his way to the airport. We had the first fairly normal discussion we have had in years.
I spent most of the conversation reasurring him that he was not "out" of his daughter's life by any means (I wanted to add that if that happens, it will be his doing...but I resisted).
I am very relieved, to say the least.
I want to add this, and it may sound sooo strange: before I went into the courtroom and while there, waiting for my attorney, I prayed/meditated... I did tonglen meditation, which is basically a practice of taking in the feelings we all have, the pain we all have, and doing my best to send love to the situation, to my ex. While doing this, I really felt love for him. Not romantic (YUCK) but really a true compassion for his part in this, and I felt a gratitude for his being in my life (however painful) and for making those incredible kids with me. I also knew that whatever happened in the courtroom today, I would accept as part of the devine plan, and let the pain involved teach me....and let it go, too.
I don't know if that had an impact on this situation, as I think he knew what he would offer coming in, but I did my best to really listen to him, to the judge and pay attention to what was going on, without reacting to it.. I was calm and centered, and it made a big difference...to me.
Thanks for listening and for supporting me and my d....I do know, that made a difference.
She still needs lots of prayers, as she is sad, so sad that he will not move to be near her. So she still feels torn. She is relieved, but sad.
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Congratulations mum. I told Mia the other day, those who persevere win, and I believe it. Good job by you and your D.
Or perhaps he really felt bad, putting his daughter through all of this.
Thanks, I needed a good laugh.
mud
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Dear Mum,
This is wonderful news. I know your daughter will still have stuff to go through. But all in all this is a great outcome. Congratulations!
PP
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Mum, dear--
I think your serenity and centeredness in the courtroom says it all.
You have been magnificent.
Tonglin is amazing.
I am so glad and can't imagine how relieved you are.
All my compassion for your daughter...it is such a hard thing to face a parent's willingness to let you go.
But she can heal, with a mother like you.
She can certainly heal.
Bless you both.
Hops
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Hi Mum,
Nothing to add but, WOW!
And, boy, Happy Mother's Day to you and your family, and everyone!
Thank you for sharing this struggle with us...and your loving example of courage in the clinches. Rare, amazing, an inspiration, and so generous of you to bring it here.
I will pray for grace like yours the next time the you know what really starts to fly.
:D
LoH
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Dear Mum Happy Mothers Day to You all Good Wishes to you and your sweet daughter
Love and Light
Moonlight
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MUM,
I'm so sorry I'm soooo late on this but YAY for you and YAY for your daughter!!!!!!
You are so strong and courageous. I really admire you.
It's been a long road for you and your children but you are finally getting out of his reach. AMEN!!!!!
We need to have a party to celebrate this new beginning.
Mud is right. Those who persevere win.
As always you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Please keep us posted.
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Thank you all for your loving support. I am ridiculously busy right now, but I will check in and post when I have time. Mia: thanks for the congrats..... and hang in there. There is a way, Keep your head down, keep your focus. Breathe. It's going to be great. You'll see.