Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Amelia Rose on May 03, 2006, 05:18:01 PM
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Hi, I used to go to this Board alll the time when i was married, getting a divorce - going forward with my life. I appreciate all the feedback I have received. After 24 years - in a voiceless - abusive marriage - I have been single for 4 years. I met someone who is VERY nice. Who talks with me and treats me nicer than any male has. Despite this - an inner voice tells me that "something just isn't right." Before I get deeper in this relationship (we've been seeing each other daily/nightly for 4 months) - I would like to come to some truth. Here goes. Your feedback is welcomed. I don't wish to be ignorant, however, I am very trusting. I believe peple when they tell me things because I like to think the best of them.
To get down to business here goes:
*I noticed all the people in his life have drugs in common.
*he said that he quit using cocaine 15 years ago.
*One morning - I was at work, he was in the bathroom - my 20 year old son was in the house. My son does NOT know his drug history. My son told his father - he swears he heard him snorting something in the bathroom and heard him say "yeh baby" at the end.
*I was at his apartment the other day - and there was a mirror on his bedstand.Never saw it before. I asked about it- he said "oh I found it - don't know what to do with it."
*I am not sure if this is important but one day he said to me "you are so innocent, you are like a lamb"
*he tries to pit me against my son. he told me he is afraid my son will talk me out of seeing him.
*my intuition is always telling me "something just isn't right here."
*my doctor told me to take Sudafed for a cold. My boyfriend told me "that's like speed! I take it when I need energy."
*I misplaced my box of Sudafed, when I found it - I said "oh here it is" and showed my boyfriend. The next day - I went back to get it and it was GONE.
I asked him (he's the only one who knew I had it and where it was). He said he didn't see it.
*I have had a tin in my cupboard that has pot in it. It's been there for months. I quit using pot and just have it- "just in case". Trusting me - showed him. Yesterday - the tin was gone. He said he didnt take it and tried to point the suspician at my son. He started telling me too many details -
*He smokes a lot of pot. probably at least $120 worth a week. Wouldn't be suprised if it was $180 at times. (that is 3 trips to the pot man per week).
*When we have sex - sometimes he can go for 2 hours. Is that uncommon? Is that drug related?
*He has extremely bad congestion in his chest.
*He never takes me out to dinner, but his spends lots on pot.
*he hasn't had a regular job in about 10 years.
*he sleeps a lot.
*he has lots of different pipes for smoking pot.
****Is there any other signs I should look for? To be sure?
thanks.
Amelia
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Hi Amelia
At the bottom of this web page are lists of specific symptoms associated with abuse of different drugs.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/drug_substance_abuse_addiction_signs_effects_treatment.htm
Meanwhile, I don't think you even need to look...because to me, it seems very clear your intuition already knows that's happening.
The bigger question is probably, imho, why are you not trusting your gut? (It sounds like a very smart gut to me, but having been in a voiceless marriage probably trained you not to listen to yourself.)
I am sure you wouldn't want to repeat a voiceless pattern. If you're with a man who lies to you and manipulates you, much less who's likely on drugs...that makes you voiceless. The drugs distort everything, and he'll hear the cravings before a partner, I think.
I hope you'll take care of yourself in whatever decision you make.
Hopalong
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AR,
Despite this - an inner voice tells me that "something just isn't right."
You don't need to listen to anyone here. You need to listen to yourself.
mud
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You said it yourself - you do feel something is not right. You have a 20 year old son. That makes you - what? At least late thirties, early 40's. By that time, I hope (I did it all, don't take learning experience as judgment) that you know that smoking pot (unless for medical reasons) is immature, unwise, and unhealthy. It gets in the way of life. You are not hearing someone here who doesn't know what they're talking about. It just does. Simple as that. It gets in the way. It's a strong addiction. And did you know that people with addictive traits tend to also have additional problems/disorders? Take a close look at the BEHAVIORs of your lover. I know you don't want to. I know he makes you feel good. Having a lover who makes you feel good may be YOUR drug of choice. But is it wise? This particular lover? And why him? What does he add to your life? Your son's? What does he take away? You are not "friends" with this particular man - you are friends with the "vision" he is holding up for you. Are you seeing the real man? I advise you to push that vision away one day and look directly at him.
K.
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Hi Amelia Rose.
When I began to read your posted question, I expected a more typical drug-related post. As I read your "laundry list" of his actions and excuses, I wondered why you didn't feel your answer in what you wrote. I find when I write, it is very telling and very healing.
I would like to ask if you could try to read your own post objectively? Although hard to do, try to take a step back..as if you don't know the people involved. Now read it! To me, it is very clear that you already know your absolute answer. Trust your instincts and your son. Act gently, yet with intention. It will also send a good message to your son.
Sometimes, what we want to be true and what we know to be true don't match. Often, we choose to see what we want it to be. We are all guilty of this, at times. What choice will ultimately serve your needs, and that of your loved ones? Let the truth prevail! Good luck in whatever you decide.
BJ
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RUN, RUN, RUN. I've been there, and I can tell you, you ain't seen nothing yet in four months. He's still on his best behavior.
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why do you need to keep pot 'just in case'?
If he's using pot ( or anything else ) then yes- you're with someone using drugs.
Seems like you don't want to use yourself or be with someone who uses?
Even if he's not using then the fact he's messing with the dynamics with you and your son isn't good.
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Listen to yourself...good advice, Mud~!!
Now, just in case you aren't very good at that (listening to yourself....I've been there) then let me add my voice to the din:
GET THE HELL OUT NOW!!!!
NOW....and in case you didn't catch that...NOW!! Don't look back. NO, it's not complicated. You are a mother, you know what is going on....you know you are being led around by the nose....
I was where you are....someone talked to me nice, made me feel special after a lousy marriage to an N....but the next one was an N in alcoholics clothing.......(read, drug of choice). I knew something wasn't right, also. And it wasn't. I wish I had woken up sooner, or someone would have opened my eyes....but I didn't even ask....
Great news...you are asking!!! So you KNOW ALREADY!!!
If I knew you, I promise I wouldn't be cold, but I would ask you "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? YOUR opinion matters. YOUR voice, YOUR intuition. Now follow it!!!!" (and then I would hug you and help you pack up his things to put out on the curb)
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Drugs aside...Why would you want to be with a man you can't trust? What kind of role model is that for your son? From your list, I don't see a single good thing he contributes to your life.
Maybe it's time to think about how you want your future to be? Like write said, if you are not using, why would you want to be intimately connected with those who do? What ARE your goals? I am sure they don't include caring for a freeloader.
Good luck to you and take care of yourself and your son.
Beth
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If you think this man is doing these things, and then trying to make you think your son was the guilty party, that is just inexcusable. Blaming your child for something he is doing---ugghhh!!!! Can you imagine the wedge that will drive between you and your son if that's what is going on and it continues? It doesn't sound to me like there's much hope for a future with this man.
Gail
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it's funny, the whole drug issue. I use more drugs than most with my bipolar illness...
but I guess it's about issues of healthy vs not healthy.
And that's beside the point of addiction, drug use or anything; I would be wary of anyone coming between me and my child. What's the motive etc?
Some people are addicted to drama or self-importance, also not healthy.
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Amelia Rose,
This is hard, I hope you have the strength to get out now before more harm is done to you and your son.
I've been there and done that. It can spiral out of control and into so many unhealthy directions. My heart aches for you and the position you are in, vulnerable at this time in your life.
I was just chatting with my 16 year old about noticing abuse that comes in so many forms. We talked about why do they stay. Of course she said she would go, and the first sign say see you later etc.
But I knew better, it's not always that easy. I explained to her that sometimes when they start unhealthy or abusive behavior by you have feelings for them and don't want to believe they can't be fixed. I also explained how they really can be charming and get you right where they want you.......................vulnerable to their shit.
I left and never looked back, never took another call, stopped going to places he would be at, which meant I lost many good friends.
But I was safe, it was the best thing I ever did, I was strong and decided enough was enough and took care of myself. OF course restraining orders and all. Which didn't help until I was invisible as possible.
Good Luck, (seasons)
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If you have to ask...you are.
Time for you to listen to that wonderful, powerful intuition and get out before there is too much investment/pain.
BTW, Is smoking pot okay w/ you? IMHO, any active addiction is someone running from something. AND healthy people (non-drug addicts in his case) don't hang around w/ unhealthy people (drug users).
Movinon
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Hi All- pay attention to your gut. You know in your heart of hearts the answers to all your questions and suspicions. Make no mistake about it, you are currently with an addict. I'm an addict and although I'm clean and sober, I was an addict long before I picked up. My addiction goes everywhere in my life- money, work, food, shoes, men, love, sex, etc etc. I noticed that you mentioned you had been seeing this guy daily for four months. I recognize that pattern from my own behavior and I now see it's not healthy to jump into something with both feet, eyes wide shut!!! and see them every day,spend every hour you can with them, break commitments with other friends, alter your lifestyle to suit them, start drifting away and losing yourself- in YOUR FANTASY. I have been a love, men and sex junkie longer than I was a dope fiend!!!! I agree 100% with the RUN RUN RUN....NOW feedback. Your addict is active in his addiction and will destroy you. you're worth more than that and you can't rescue or change him. He is what he is. I believe that when one is healthy and has healthy self love, respect and boundaries, one doesn't attract or tolerate addicts, liars, predators, Ns etc. Healthy people attract healthy people. I can now see what a truly sick and twisted person I was in my active addiction and how I hurt people who tried to love me. I'm not that person today and I have room in my life only for healthy people who are worthy of my love and who truly love me. No secrets, lies, manipulation, cruelty, selfishness etc. Not perfect by any means- not even in the ball park and it's not remotely a " goal"!!! But I am a pretty decent, kind woman. Hugs, Moira
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I want to THANK all of you for your wise, heartfelt feedback. It took awhile - but my eyes finally opened!!! I am no longer seeing this person. Despite the good things that I enjoyed about him, the negative questionable ones were too important to ignore. There was the lack of trust - and I KNOW he was not being honest with me. I also realized - he is a very selfish individual. I said goodbye - and wished him well. Hopefully he will accept this and move on. I am glad and thankful to be out of the relationship. Thank you again and I wish all of you many blessings.
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I'm happy to hear that you listened to your gut feelings about this guy.
Best wishes to you.