Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: write on May 11, 2006, 05:36:00 PM
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What do other people think about debts?
I was out with a young woman last week who told me she is 'maxed out' ( her words) on several credit cards and has unpaid debt going back to her University days. She's got a good job now and no dependents or outgoings except her own upkeep but continues to spend way more than she earns so the debt goes up not down.
I know unexpected health or divorce or repair bills can throw people into the red, but taking a holiday or buying a tattoo (!) on the credit card seems way irresponsible to me.
She seemed to want me to agree, she said 'well, it's the way everyone lives isn't it?'
Then my neighbours have fallen on hard luck again, reduced hours at work, an unexpected a/c repair bill ( which I feel they should have approached the parents of the child who broke it for some of the cost, and I would have paid for it if my kid damaged it messing around )
They really struggle, so we went grocery shopping and I paid for hers ( not a lot, I guess $30 something )
But the next day she showed me a wooden trunk she had bought with the money I saved for her!
What can you say to that?!
I've noticed with the advertising here now there's been another subtle twist added: not just you'll look good with this or you need this, now you deserve this...
I am really anal about money- I have to be or when I get manic I'd buy a pony or 4000 luxury bath towels....but what do other people think?
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Hi Write,
I loathe debt (though I do have a little), loathe mindless consumerism, and think most of us in the developed world have waaaaaay too much stuff.
When a home is over-stuffed with stuff, imo, there's a cramped and stifling effect on the emotions and the imagination.
I think the media has trained us to equate purchasing things with happiness.
Hops
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Hi Write,
For the people I know who feel they "deserve" to buy things for themselves even though they can't afford it--I think it might be some kind of a drug for some of them, a way to feel less depressed. A co-worker of mine buys something for herself or her son every single day of the week. If there is a holiday or party, it has to be over the top with decorations, gifts, etc. Her house is jam-packed. She is single and knows she should save up for fuel oil and home repairs but doesn't. One week she bought hundreds of dollars worth of digital camera supplies. Close to one whole paycheck. I honestly believe she is depressed or having anxiety and thinks all this will make her feel better.
High debts can be a symptom just like too much drinking or any other harmfully excessive behavior.
Now your friend who actually showed you what she bought for herself with the money you "saved her" seems a little clueless. I don't think I would have done such a thing, but if I were weak and spent the money I owed you, I sure would be too embarrassed to show you what I bought! And she did this the very next day! She couldn't possibly have forgotten about the debt in that short amount of time--or could she? I'd bet she's got something she should be healing from.
Pennyplant
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Hi Write
I've been a member here for some time but have never posted although I read a lot of the posts. So...
Debt makes me very nervous. Even necessary debt. I suppose much of it goes back to the time when my husband and I were younger, raising our children, and had little income to work with. We're doing well financially now but I avoid debt like the plague. And don't understand how people can sleep at night if financial collapse is only a disaster away. I remember the times when unexpected expenses like a doctor visit for one of the kids made me wonder if I could feed them after paying for the doctor visit and any necessary medications. We did without a lot of 'wants' so we could hopefully cover the 'needs'.
In short I guess what I'm trying to say is just because we want it is no reason to go into debt.
Just my opinion.
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what winterbrite said, except in my case all of the children were covered with fur...
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Sometimes furry children are almost as expensive as the human kind!
PP
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Hi Winterbrite
~welcome!
I'm glad other people can see the irony of my friend's behaviour, I was telling myself a gift should be given freely, don't be controlling etc...but I did think next day- these are people who will never get straight!
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I definitely think spending excessively is a sickness just as is alcoholism or any other addiction. I have to watch myself with spending because sometimes I do like to buy things just for fun (although I am a big saver and more or less stay within budget). My Nmother is only happy if she is buying. She spends every cent and then runs up credit buying things that will be used once and then ignored. She thinks it makes her look "rich," but sadly it just makes her look wasteful and her house is piled, literally, with junk. I have no idea what she will do when my dad retires as what they have saved is hardly enough for them to make it through one year with the way they spend money. It used to worry me terribly, but I am trying to not fret about things beyond my control now.
And, write, I think what your friend did is atrocious. I have lived a large portion of my life working multiple jobs just to make ends meet. If anyone were to have helped me, I would have been grateful and used it wisely.
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one of my friends told me a while back she spent years helping her brother financially, to watch him stagger from one self-induced crisis to another and almost lose his home...eventually she said she felt like she was enabling him and she told him she wouldn't help him any more.
Now she won't discuss his financial problems or bouts of unemployment or 'get rich quick' schemes with him.
I need to do that; clearly I'm not helping & as you say Storm help them/ not help them it won't feel quite right either way.
It is interesting though what people buy and think they must have and cannot live without- especially when they clearly can't afford it and to other people it's just junk and clutter...
sometimes I do like to buy things just for fun
so do I, I think it's healthy if it's 'sometimes' and within the budget.
I bought me a chocolate cookie chip candle jar yesterday ( $3.99 FoodTown! )
But the pretty $17.99 cornflower blue pants at Target I didn't get- they'll probably be on half-price clearance in a few weeks!
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Hi all:
This topic got me thinking about one of my abusers, who I think has this problem of living above their means.
It seems like:
a) the person believes they deserve the absolute best stuff........simply because some other people have it.
b) it seems like a way to self soothe and it has become an addiction, imo.
c) it's also a way to look important/of higher class/above others.
d) and it seems like an attempt to satisfy some need (??) that will never be satisfied (because no matter what is bought, it becomes boring after awhile and must be replaced with something new and more expensive).
I'm not in contact with this person any more but when I was, there was debt accumulating each month (verses making ends meet or paying debt down) and yet the spending continued. This person demanded a large sum of money from me, one time, which I refused to give for a number of reasons, one of which being I was pretty sure it would never be repaid. The person had borrowed money from me once before, when I was in tight financial state myself, money I had managed to put away for my children's education (a whole whopping $750...but still....it was something and they were still small so I hoped to add to it). The person borrowed it and never paid it back.
I think this shows a lack of conscience. At least...it sure seems like it to me.
I don't think giving money to people with this problem....helps them in any way. I think it's like feeding bread to geese.....they'll always come back for more.
Sela
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I feel a lot better about money and material goods since I stopped even glancing at ‘women’s magazines’ (what brainwashing!), I don’t look or go in shops unless there’s a reason, I don’t look at magazines full of ‘stuff’ and I don’t listen to other people telling me about their stuff. Boring. Library is much more interesting! :D
'well, it's the way everyone lives isn't it?'
Just because 40 million people agree with an idea, it can still be a dumb idea.
(How we excuse our own behaviour by putting the responsibility on to others eh?)
Write, your neighbours create their own situations, it isn’t luck. I wouldn’t lend them another cent. If I had a cent! How about a Euro Cent? You’ll feel unappreciated when they blow it, so don’t let yourself feel unappreciated.
I said to my mother: “I live on 5k a year” (she knows I haven’t been earning). Reply? “Oh I wish I could live on that!” Give me a break. Her place is similar to Beth’s mom’s. Stuff about the place still in it’s packaging, unopened. Responsibility again.
Yes, the compulsion to buy stuff is an addiction, as serious as other addictions.
Money isn’t money (a tool) to some people. It’s love, admiration, respect, recognition, acceptance…..which is why the Murdoch types want more of it. But they can never get enough coz it don’t taste the same as mother’s love and never will do. Sad.
People who take money and don’t repay I guess are taking back the love they perceive you as having and they don’t have. I guess they think you ‘owe’ them, or that they ‘deserve’ to have what you have. Or some such twisted thinking.
At least geese are cute to look at! 8)
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The person borrowed it and never paid it back.
I think this shows a lack of conscience. At least...it sure seems like it to me.
absolutely; what better way to give you the message I don't care much, your feelings aren't a priority...
I never lend money simply because people who will borrow usually don't pay it back; what I gave to my neighbours was a gift.
But I'm still getting the message in that and a few other ways: your feelings aren't important.
I've just been out shopping actually; it's almost end of the year here and parents send little gifts to the teachers and staff who have served our kids all year.
It was perfect synchronicity- I found exactly what I needed at good prices plus some bedsheets and a whistling kettle I've been wanting for a while ( $9.99, $20 cheaper than when I first saw it )
One other thing I have noticed about buying stuff- if you've waited for it it's more enjoyable when you get it.
I read in a Margaret Drabble novel a few weeks ago 'we had less stuff back then but more to look forward to' and it's true- everyone's disappointed birthdays and Christmas now 'cos it isn't really the stuff itself we remember, it's the anticipation, the having to wait or save up, and the fact that having treats was a special not overdone thing.
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Thanks write!
I don't care much, your feelings aren't a priority...
your feelings aren't important.
Ofcourse that's what the person was saying/meaning/showing by their actions!! Thanks for putting that into words so clearly like that.
if you've waited for it it's more enjoyable when you get it.
Ya it's the..........annnnnnnnnnnticiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
..................paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaation.....................that does that!!
:D :D :D :D :D Makes good stuff even better!!
Sela
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Hiya all
This post made me think of something that was on the news today. In the UK the NHS are making massive cuts because of overspending. Ultimately it's the patients that miss out, but I was annoyed at one point because they were following patients on dialisys (sp... I hope you know what I mean), and because of the cuts have stopped paying both ways for patients (and now just pay one way) who need this treatment to get taxi's to the hospital. They then interviewed a patient who said he spends £60 per week in taxi's which is covered by the NHS funds. This is £3120 a year and the newsreader was saying that patients would miss out on their treatment because they couldn't afford to get taxi's too and from the hospital and in a worse case after a short time they will become ill and very worse case may even die. But while I do feel for them, I thought isn't it still the patients responsibility to get to the hospital for treatment, not the hospitals responsibility to get the patient there? Can you not get friends and family to help out giving lifts? Is there no public transport?
Sorry... I've gone off topic!
Back to the topic.... 99% of the time I've borrowed money (which hasn't been very often in fairness) I've paid it back on time, and there has been the odd occasion that I forgot. Like when my brother got my Mum's mothers day present for me (It was an orchid and there was no way I could send it so I asked him to pick one up for me), and I said I could send him a cheque or give him the money when I saw him. He said for me to give him the money when I saw him which was about six weeks later, and he did ask me for it. I was mortified that I forgot about it!
I've never owed a substantial amount of money (apart from the mortgage, does that count?) and apart from the mortgage, have a loan for my car which will be paid off next Feb, and I have a credit card which I'm careful with and pay off each month. I think the thing with loans/credit cards etc is that it's too easy for people to get money nowadays. I went to the bank recently for something minor, and was offered a 7k loan, totally unrelated to the reason I was there... and no I didn't accept it. There's too much emphasis on what people own, do they have the best car/phone/clothes, you name it really. And I think it sums up the get it now, pay for it later... greed. There's a lack of saving up and the sense of achievement when you have saved enough that you can buy the item. I've lived through where I've hardly had two pennies to rub together, and my friends parents were providing me with food parcels to survive. I've come a long way since then, and I'm not prepared to get into so much debt where I have to go back there.
H&H xx
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Here's what's bothering me about the money issue lately...
My parents are getting older. My dad should be looking towards retirement. Also, whenever I make the trip back to the States, he is working at least part of the time (and sometimes most of the time). My mother gets on him about working when we are there. BUT SHE MAKES HIM BUY HER SHIT EVERY DAY. I want my father to be able to rest a bit in his older age and do what he likes, but he is too tired. She believes that she shouldn't have to work because she has a man to take care of her. She has worked here and there throughout their marriage, but she is most proud of the times she "didn't have to work." I find my work not only nice in that it helps support our family, but through my job, I am helping many people every day. She never has a desire to help anyone... although she was a nurse, she only worked for money. My mother loves to make my dad feel guilty about all the things she "had to do without" when they were younger and first married. SHe jokes (meanly) that she was tricked into wanting to marry him because he picked her up in different cars so she thought he was rich.
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Hi Beth
When he was alive, my step-father controlled all the cash, mother didn’t have a bank card. Now I know why. She spends like there’s a bottomless bucket. I worry about her future (although I imagine she’s got a lot of money, but I really have no idea) but then I think, what can I do? She’s in control, it’s her life. I can only try and control my life, irksome though it can be to hear about what I deem wasteful spending. I guess I need to not listen, or to devise some way of not hearing it!
H&H
I remember being fed by friends’ parents too. Some people were very kind to me.
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I know my parent's generation would work and save for something they "wanted". Nowadays it just seems that so many of us want that immediate gratification.
What???
I actually should work and earn the money before I go out and buy everything under the sun???
I have so many friends who are up to their eyeballs in debt. They all live well above their means. They have beautiful homes, cars, clothes, jewerly, etc which they are paying an arm and a leg for in finance charges. Heck, I know one family that financed a $10,000 swing/play set.
First, what kid needs a 10,000 playset and secondly something is very wrong if you find yourself financing a swing set.
But hey, it's the American way.
I don't like debt. I pay everything off as soon as I get the bill. I find that keeping everything on one charge card really helps me keep track of my spending. When the bill comes it shocks the heck out of me.
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I am so glad this thread got started...$$$ is such an important issue, and many people find it taboo or too painful to talk about.
Portia, you mentioned that you live on $5K (well, I guess that's pounds, not dollars! :shock:) annually. Do you mind sharing anything about how you manage it? When my mother passes, I may be in very similar straits. I do ZERO "stuff" spending. Two areas I can cut back a little are any meals out (I had been doing cheap lunches to have a chance to socialize...I still want to do that but think if I bring food every day I could load up on healthy snacks before I meet them, and then just order soup and water) and the other is the occasional movie night w/friends. Again, I hate to give that up because I love socializing, but I can ask that we go to the matinee which is cheaper. And I recently signed up for a $6/month Netflix...which is a great way to have my escapism at home. The third thing I can cut back on (and it's about time) is bailing out my 25 y/o daughter, who'd come to take my coffers (which are drained) for granted. And with the job about to evaporate, that's ridiculous. I've told her I can't do it anymore.
Anyway, anyone else, too? If people have any stories of how they live or lived in the past and managed well waaaaaaay below the usual "comfort" level, I think they'd be so valuable to hear.
Thanks!
Hops
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My husband and I have no debt except for our mortgage. Our only expenses are that and the monthly bills. We discussed cable tv, and decided that it was an unnecessary expense. I don't own a cell phone. We have one older car and one car that is around 2 years old. We go out to eat a few times a week, but it is the less expensive places that two people can eat at for under 20$ and we have an "entertainment" budget that still allows us to put a nice chunk of money into savings every month.
We paid off our school loans, car notes, and any extra expenses several years ago, and we pay off our credit cards in full every month. If we don't have the money, we don't charge it.
We both have good 401Ks, and a cushion amounting to several thousand in the bank in a savings account for unexpected repairs/vacation funds. We started our savings in our late twenties, and now in our early 30's, it is looking like we are well on the way to being financially secure and able to retire early.
I also HATE debt... I have gone without or saved up over several months/years to be able to afford something that I just had to have... I treat those things as "I deserved it, but also I EARNED it."
We have a few really nice pieces of furniture, that we saved for because we both thought they were worth it. We are planning a trip to Ireland, but it took us three years to get the funds for it... it will be paid for BEFORE we book the tickets!!
I don't understand the mentality today that has people living above their means or having debt for things that they can't afford. I know the American average is something like 10,000 dollars on credit cards, but that just boggles the mind... how on earth can those people sleep at night?? I would be in a state of permanent freaked'outedness (I know that isn't a word :) ) if I had that hanging over my head!
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Thanks, Sugarbear. Good to know there are youngish people who do get started and plan so maturely. Good for you and your H...what a sane and serene thing to do.
I would also really love to hear anecdotes from people who DIDN'T plan well and now are playing "catch-up" or trying new economies...perhaps in middle age. I'll bet among us are people who've come up with some very smart ideas!
(Even drastic measures can be empowering, I think...would just love to hear what some of those measures are.)
Hops
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Hi Hops,
My husband and I are among the middle-aged people who didn't plan. Part of it was the way we did things. First child born at age 18, only qualified for minimum wage jobs for a time. Plus, some other poor decisions over the years, made from the "trenches" so to speak.
We're not doing anything too spectacular now, but are being more practical and have more to work with. Each of us has good paying jobs now. My husband works all the overtime he can get. I have a pension plan at work as well as a thrift savings plan I contribute to. My husband has some kind of 401k but no pension. I will also have a small pension from the state due to a government job I had long enough to get vested. These job-related successes have mostly been a matter of luck, not planning.
We did have a plan for how to cut the purse strings with our kids. The oldest knew ahead of time that we would support him in a very basic fashion until six months after he graduated from college. Sort of a grace period like they give for the student loan payments. I don't know what we would have done if he hadn't gotten a job in time (it took him until four months after graduation). During that time we only paid his rent (and it was pretty low as he had many roommates). Since he knew ahead of time what the deal was, and since he prefers independence, it was on his mind all the time that he had to support himself by a specific date.
Youngest son will have the exact same deal. Except he got really lucky, he has the use of a car we pay for. He pays gas and minor expenses. And he knows how lucky he is. He also prefers independence like his older brother. I've got my fingers crossed that he will be off our budget six months after graduation as well.
We have a Christmas club so that we don't have to resort to credit cards to have gifts under the tree (and we only buy for a select few people).
In general, we are not very good with money. No savings. Some credit card debt. We figure when we retire, we may well have to sell our house and be down to one car. That's just the breaks. We do what we have to do when it comes to surviving. We do expect to have our debts gone by that time. But our pensions won't be much and if we can't afford property taxes and upkeep to our house, then it's gotta go.
I have grown to feel that possessions are quite a burden. So, I'm not heartbroken that maybe we will retire to a subsidized apartment. I know many retired people who are on a pretty low budget and they are creative and find ways to have small pleasures. We have lots of good examples to follow.
We started out way behind the game and I don't think it is possible to make up for nearly two decades of not so great decisions and some not so lucky breaks. Our kids may do better than us and, if so, I will see that as a success.
Pennyplant
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Thank you, Penny.
That's kind of discouraging and heartening at the same time...it probablly makes a lot of difference to have a partner to face the future with. I'm glad you have such a great attitude--and I agree money can't buy happiness!
Hops
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Yeah, Hops, I know I'm pretty lucky in some ways. I've also got to own the mistakes. We'll probably have to have some kind of part time job or other situation that helps us make ends meet. Hopefully, I won't feel too jealous of the other people in my generation who will be wintering down south every year and otherwise doing well financially in their golden years. That is one aspect of the past that I have pretty much been able to let go of. I've pretty much been able to forgive our young selves for not being great with money when we really didn't have all that much to work with and did the best we knew how at the time. And now--we are getting more and more disciplined with each passing year so, there shouldn't be anymore really sticky situations coming up that we could blame ourselves for. Stuff out of our control? Well, we are survivors so we'll take it as it comes.
Hops, I'm hoping that the door opens pretty soon for you. There's an employer out there that would be very lucky to have you. Maybe a friend will hear of something soon and let you know :) . Yes, yes, yes!!!
PP
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Hi Well I just got back from a new Doctor .One my hubby and I really like .We found out today I have 3 complications from previous
surgery and it looks like we need to take out a loan to pay for the surgery I need now to repair the complications.At least we have a Doctor that really knows what is wrong .And thank goodness its not life threating but looks like we will have to take out a loan.Funny we pay so much into our health insurance and because of these exclusion clauses we are not covered.Well at least like my hubby says I
will have my heath back and we will just pay off the loan .Sometimes life can be unfair .But sometimes life can be so grand.
Love
Moonlight
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So sorry to hear that, Moon, but thank heaven you're not in danger.
Did you reach a dead end already with your appeal of the insurer's rejection? Or can that process continue? (Perhaps you're paying for it with a loan up-front, but will keep fighting in order to get reimbursed? I HOPE SO!)
Grrrr. I loathe these "insurance" companies that insure little but their own profits....when you really need them for serious things is when they like to pull the plug. Exactly the opposite of what should happen.
(((((((((((((((((Moon))))))))))))))
Chin up, Moon...your health matters more than anything else, dear.
Rooting for you,
Hops
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Hiya Hops, no problem, I’ll talk about sweaty armpits if you like! Yes £5k a year or thereabouts. How? I don’t buy stuff. I live in this tiny one-bed house which I bought in 92 at the bottom of the market. Paid off the mortgage in 2001 when I stopped work. (I owe a mortgage of £1 which means they keep the deeds safe for me.) I don’t have children, no pets, tiny heating and electricity bills (small houses cost less to maintain too). Everything I buy, bar consumables (food, wine, cigs) I think ‘do I need this?’ (yes, I ‘need’ chocolate). I fly Ryan Air to Spain using the net offers at exactly the right moment (£2 plus taxes = £25 return…crazy, pollution rating is terrible and this service won’t last). I don’t socialise at all, bar a trip every six months on the train to see some family. I don’t eat or drink out in the UK (way too expensive here in the south) and don’t go out to spending events (movies, anything…). I love my library.
But I’m running out of saved cash and I have to work! At least I can see some different opportunities available and those old suits – they still fit me. I just refuse to wear heels these days. I can’t quite believe I used to wear them! What for? Just to put my back out? That’s crazy. I see younger women hobbling to our local train station every morning in them and I look at their posture, their backs and think – who’s the one that’s nuts here? Anyway, shoes, let’s not. Manolo Blahniks? :P Perleeease! And yes, living on less is easier if you don’t work. Going to work costs money.
(((((Moon))))) healthcare is one area where no country seems to have it right yet.
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Portia,
I wish you a wonderful and fulfilling job. I think it's stellar that you had this time to regenerate and live without outside influences! No wonder you are such a thoughtful person!
What do you want to do for work??????
It's true... it DOES cost money to work!
Take care.
Love, Beth
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I directed a lovely concert this lunchtime, and received compliment after compliment for my black and white sequinned skirt. And top.
The former cost $6 because someone had burst the button, it took me 30 seconds to make new with a new button.
The top my sister sent from the sales in England, tesco I think she said.
So not only is it thrifty but I get a good feel beacuse it was a thought-out gift from my sis!
***
once we tune in somehow though- these bargains seem to become more frequent.
My ex says it's because I am more tuned to the world...I wonder if it might possibly, crazily be the universe is more attuned to me?!
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Bravo, Write! Sounds very classy, that getup.
Wish I could hear the music (don't know if it's choral but I love music of almost all sorts...)
Hops
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Beth, thank you, I heard! What do I want to do? I don’t know! But I’m getting there. Hey, I figured it was have a total breakdown (mental and physical) or give up going out and get my head sorted. Best use of two years so far.
Write,
loved the hot water bottle story too. But hang on what’s so bad about a douche….? Except ladies: don’t use them, they’re not good for you!
You want one of those butterfly shaped tops, black silky stuff with black, white and silver sequins, size about UK 14? I don’t want it. Can’t see myself doing that again. :idea: Ebay! That’s what I need to learn! :D
The universe is not separate ….. you are a part of it and it is a part of you…oh zen again, better go, brain’s run out for the day :mrgreen: :arrow:
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How's this write... I believe that when you tune into the world, the world tunes in to you! Does that make sense?????
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Money is just money. It's not nearly as important as everyone wants it to be. It's just energy, like everything else. I know from my own life, that when I worry, the money faucet stops. Not a drop. When I don't worry, and have faith....like everything else, good things happen. A forgotten check will arrive, my realtor says my house is worth more than I thought (YAY), or some family inheritance shows up.....All I know is it's not worth losing sleep over. Well, nothing is (unless you are cramming for exams...that's worth the sleep loss).
I totally believe that I will continue to be a fortunate person, and in my book it means: food on the table and a roof over my head...and then some if I am lucky. I am grateful every single night for those two things, and well aware that there are many people in the world, for whom that would seem a luxury.
Am I debt free? No way. I was, before three years of legal fees fighting for my freedom! So nope, I have debt. I have a plan to get out of it. But I am not freaking out. I have yet to see where freaking out over money helps at all. And I have seen where it makes it worse.
I would have a few years back, but that was when I was married to a miser with a "poverty mentality". He was and always will be "the starving artist". Very proud of it. He used me and my good fortune (use to say: "this time around (I was his third wife) I got a better looking, younger wife, and a much better house "(it was and is MY house). He spent hours each day counting up where every single penny went, checking every reciept and tracking it on the computer (MY money, mind you). He focused so long and hard on those two nickles he had to rub together, that he missed opportunities for actually making money, and he resented the heck out of the "priveleged" clientele whose children we both taught. He hated money and never made much. Convenient, hating those more "fortunate" so that when you take 3 months off work each year you can somehow make that ok in your head (at least I am not rich??? HuH?)
My first husband (the one y'all hear about here a lot) makes tons of money, and likes to spend it on "interesting" things, that make him look good/interesting/smart. And he likes to hide it from his kids. But you know that story. And as rolling in dough as he is, he also has a poverty mentality as well. His goes like this" there is not enough _____ (fill in the blank with money, love, fun, stuff) to go around. There is a limited supply...so I will hoard what I can". He likes to flaunt what wealth he has...because it's an extension of his....um... Ego. yeah.
Some people in my family are in horrible debt, but they spend money like crazy. Not my job to judge them. Some people in my family make a lot of money and criticize those who don't for being in debt. Whatever. Not my place to have an opinion. I figure both of these types are entitled to thier opinions. I've got too many other things to think about than what they do with their money (or lack thereof).
Write: But if someone was taking advantage of me like your friend, I would definately put up a fence. I was appalled by your friend's behavoir. That's not really about money. That's about boundaries and a total lack of integrity.
"Neither a borrower or a lender be": good advice. It's hard to lend without attachment or borrow without guilt.
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Write: But if someone was taking advantage of me like your friend, I would definately put up a fence. I was appalled by your friend's behavoir. That's not really about money. That's about boundaries and a total lack of integrity.
I love my friend and her family, but one thing I have noticed mum- she is sure of my love and friendship and therefore takes it for granted.
I am putting up more boundaries with her.
Yesterday I was out watering and she came out with another mutual friend I went to say hi and was going to offer to cook for us all ( I know her new schedule of college Downtown is very tiring )
She didn't appear to particularly want to talk to me, walked in and shut her door, so I turned around and came in also.
I don't know what it was about, if anything, and I don't care; I've had enough of people stropping around in my life.
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My ex came over ranting Saturday pm, I know he's havign a difficult time, and it did make him go back to the psych Monday, but I was trashed and threw him out eventually. Of course then I have to put on a brave face for Mother's Day for our son.
Then last night he called in again, I had had a couple of glasses of wine and he disapproved so I get that old N-treatment of looking at me like I did something unacceptable then anything I say even if I know he really agrees he'll say the opposite.
So he'll be another person discouraged from visiting if he can't be more respectful.
And it's not about apology- he called and apologised after. It's just impossible to retain piece of mind when someone is prepared to act out all the time.
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She didn't appear to particularly want to talk to me, walked in and shut her door, so I turned around and came in also.
I don't know what it was about, if anything, and I don't care; I've had enough of people stropping around in my life.
Guilt. It's about guilt. She knows she did a bad thing, and she is feeling guilty. Too bad she doesn't have the guts to own up to her mistake, and repay you the money, with apology.
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well it's impossible to know. I have discussed stuff like this with my friend before and always think we're past it, but it keeps happening...
as for ex. He just put the phone down on me.
Think I'll take the high ground for an hour or two! ****** 'em all!
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Aww, Write,
What a rough couple days you're having.
Sometimes it feels like all the bad energy and frustration comes together like breezes to make a tornado.
Wishing you soon on your emotional "feet" again.
(((Write)))
Hops
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Thanks.
I don't care as much as I thought I would, I cried last night, but it's all part of the letting go.
I'm going to ask for a divorce.
do you notice a pattern though- every time I'm getting on with things and things are ok my ex ( and now it seems my friend ) are quick to jump in and either tell me I'll make myself ill or if that fails be horrible and upset me!
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Write...
You've been provoked. Hope you keep a grip on your own "upset" button as much as you can...and be kind to yourself.
You can't do their work for them (ex or "friend")...and you're doing such a good job with your own work.
You don't deserve to have doors shut in your face or to be ranted at.
(Sometimes apologies come too late, if the last straw's been loaded on the camel.)
Hops