Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: reallyME on June 05, 2006, 06:50:45 AM
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Hi all
I have a dilemma and it's time to show a weakness in myself to all of you, so maybe I can find help for this.
My 6 year old has a fear of being alone at night when it's time to sleep. By the time it's bedtime for her, I'm exhausted and just want to drop into bed and not be bothered, so I end up very irritated. She will repeat over and over again, "but I'm Scaaaaaaaaaaaaaared that there's not gonna be anyone with me." When I ask her, "but why does that scare you? you go in rooms alone during the day and now you will be sleeping, so what about not having someone with you, scares you, honey?" She responds, "I don't know, I'm just scared." By that time I launch into the "there is NOTHING to be scared about. I'm right in the room next to you, etc...." I don't want her to cry herself to sleep, and I sometimes sleep next to her till she falls asleep, but she is going to turn 7 years old soon and this is getting a bit ridiculous and annoying.
I'm planning to set up a nice little music player of some kind in her room, when I can get some money. Music seems to soothe her a lot. Right now, though, I'm just feeling really frustrated, being such a logical person, thinking "alone at night is time to sleep, nothing will harm you because I'd kill it before it got near ya, so kiddo, PLEASE JUST SHUT YOUR EYES AND MOUTH AND SLUMBER FOR ME :)"
Any advice?
A really frustrated mommy of an almost 7 yr old daughter,
Laura
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Hi Laura,
I bet you will get lots of suggestions and something is bound to help.
I was scared of the dark when I was little and my parents always kept the hall light on for me. It shown right into my room as I didn't have a door. But it helped me sleep because it helped me be less afraid. Did occasionally have night terrors. Just toughed it out most of the time. My parents didn't like to be bothered once we were in bed, and I knew that. So, it took a lot for me to call for them. When I did usually my mother would come in and be calm and help me out for a few minutes till I slept again. But I didn't push my luck!!!
When I got older I had much less trouble with it. But I really enjoyed being able to fall asleep with the radio on. The music was very soothing. I would listen to a local radio station that played top 10 hits. Happy music. At first it was a transister radio that I must have turned off in my sleep or my parents did. Then I got a clock radio with a timer on so it would turn off after an hour and by then I was already asleep.
My oldest son had a terrible time sleeping for years. I was so frustrated and angry about it because I had to work and I was tired and I just didn't handle it well. I was like a tired, cranky child myself. He would have anxiety attacks at night. He walked in his sleep too. The thing that finally helped was leaving his light on all night long. It was bright as day in there but that was the only thing that finally allowed him to sleep relatively peacefully. It seems to me he eventually had a radio too that he could fall asleep to. Wow, it is getting to be so long ago, that I don't remember it that clearly.
My youngest rarely had trouble sleeping and in fact preferred pitch darkness and his door closed. I was amazed. I guess every child is different. I just followed his lead with that. He learned how to sleep much more easily than his brother. Made life easier for all of us. But it just seems to have been the luck of the draw.
I definitely feel for you. It can turn life upside down when a little one can't sleep. I hope you can get some music in there quick because I bet it will work.
Pennyplant
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Hi Laura We hippies probably did something really dumb .But this is it When our 13 year old was 6 or 7 and scared to go to bed
some times we let her fall asleep in our bed and Mr Moon picked her up and put her in her bed ,this lasted for off and on for a year.
And then we used a nite light then she was fine .This was probably wrong way but small moon is okey dokey.Laura hope you get more professional ideas than mine .And hope you and your sweet little one will get sweet dreams.
Hugs
Moon
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Hi Laura,
Is she scared of the dark, or scared of being alone? I ask because I was very scared of the dark when I was a kid--overactive imagination, I guess. (I couldn't tolerate a scary movie until I was well into my teens.) Although my mother didn't like it much, I just kept a light on. I fell asleep just fine with it. In fact, to this day, if there's nobody in the house, I keep a light on when I fall asleep.
But if she's scared of being alone, that strikes me as more complicated. I think the music might be a good idea. Have you tried the gradual withdrawal approach that I've seen and read about (Supernanny recommended it, among others)--where you're by the bed, then by the door, then right outside the room, etc.? Even though she's a bit older, this might work. I do think it's important to try to work on it actively rather than wait for her to outgrow it. I have a niece who is ten and still has this problem because it was never systematically addressed.
best,
daylily
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Hi Laura,
Doing the same thing each night helps my 8 year old. She does her homework, takes a bath, reads in bed for 15 minutes and falls asleep. She has 2 nightlights in her room. The routine gives her a winding down process that helps her to sleep.
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Hi Reallly,
Snuggling up together for 20 minutes with wonderful children's literature did the trick for me.
Charlottes Web
The Secret Garden
Stuart Little
the Narnia books by CS Lewis
Little House on the Prairie series (one chapter a night)
Gulliver's Travels
Dickens
etc....
Nothing can affect a child positively (and soothe them into relaxing) more than being read a gripping story by a parent who'll get lost in the story with them, imho...
Hops
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Hi Laura,
My daughter has also been going through this lately. I thik it's for two reasons... she's becoming independent, but is scared about it at the same time and she doesn't want to lose the closeness of being my little girl (she won't!). At any rate, she has chosen to go to sleep with the light on in her room each night. I go and turn it off after she is asleep. I don't know if that will work for you, but that is what we have been doing.
Take care,
Beth
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Laura,
Why did you need to start this thread in a confrontational manner? Why do you assume people see you in a negative light? Also, in starting your letter that way, it feels that you are saying we are beneath you, but you will reluctantly share your problem with us.
Beth
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Beth,
Actually I didn't start this thread in a confrontational manner. When I said Miss "Has it all together," I was referring to my own tendency of thinking I have things all together. God has been dealing with me about my attitude lately. Sorry you thought I was slamming you and others. That was an attempt to poke some "fun" at myself only. The request for help was very sincere.
~Laura
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Hey Laura,
I understand that...sometimes humor doesn't translate as well w/o a face!
(I figured it was tongue-in-cheek because of the quotation marks...)
Hope your little one settled down better last night...
Hops
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Thank you, Hops
Yep, she actually fell asleep on a chair last night, while watching tv. It's nice when she is tired enough just to drift off, and I have never been a stickler as to where the children choose to sleep.
~Laura
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Hey Laura,
My sons used to fall asleep on the floor in mid-play and one of them fell asleep laying on a stair with his knees bent and crossed over each other. I don't know how he didn't roll all the way down the stairs! I did take a picture of that one though.
Neither one of them has every really LIKED to sleep. I think they figured they would be missing something.
Pennyplant
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I have a 7 year old daughter too..and at times she is afraid of darkness and being along
i simply let her throw an air bed on my floor and let her sleep in my room
She is does that for a few days and then is fine..back into her own room
Its no biggie to me..The bigger YOU make it the more fearful she will become
I was terrified of the dark (I was very abused as a small child and would sleep walk right out in to the street) One night i woke up to tell my N mom i had a nightmare and she slapped me across the face and slammed her door telling me
"you are not afraid" (she also told me i didn't have asthma when i could not breath)
I spent the night curled up on the floor besdie her closed door until the sun came up then ran to my room ( I was about 7) I never slept well...a.l the time i was growing up
My daughter is tough cookie...but she has her moments of being scared. I let her have her fears and she can share them with me...in my room....if that is where she feels the most comfort
Parents make mountains out of mole hills...which only makes everything worse....
Acknowledge her fears and feelings...
blue
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Thanks Laura!
I also tend to put myself in the position of "has it all together" until I break down from sheer exhaustion of trying to do what I need to leave to others to do. I'm sorry I read your post that way. I am glad to hear your daughter fell asleep! My 6-year-old (just turned 6) is so clingy right now... not like herself... I am struggling with how best to deal with it.
Love, Beth :oops:
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Hi Beth
It's ok about your misinterpreting what I said. That's a human thing to do for anyone for sure, especially after having to deal with N's who PURPOSELY do that to us.
By the way, my middle name is Beth. I love that name.
My 6 year old is one who constantly needs to be the center of attention and will do almost anything to have that. Drives me nuts, cause I'm a very focused person on my goals, and I have to make a real effort to laugh when she acts silly sometimes, and not get aggravated. I just realize they are only with us for a short time.
Today my eldest daughter opened up to me about some struggles that she isn't sure how to deal with. That was such a blessing to me, but also a sad thing because she is hurting herself.
~Laura
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Parenting isn't easy... unless you are an N... :(
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Blue,
I am stunned at the cruelty you survived.
I hope you have found loving companions in life and most of all, have learned how to mother and comfort the terrified, gasping, sleepness little girl inside you.
The image of you needing care so much and being treated worse that most people treat their dogs breaks my heart. I am so very sorry you were stuck with such a cruel childhood.
How are you now, Blue? Have you found some way forward?
((((((((((Little Blue, Big Blue)))))))))))))))
Hops
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Jac,
Your insights and thoughts on your reactions are so powerful here. Lots to think about! Thank you!
Beth
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Jac,
Your post not only blessed me because of my situation with my lil daughter, Amber, but it also showed me why Jodi ignored me for 5 weeks and left me alone and crying saying "I know you needed a hug, but I just couldn't give in to you like that!"
~Laura
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Maybe a new teddy bear or other bedtime item of comfort might help. What about a boo boo bear with bandages that needs to feel loved and care for? Do you think it might help if she and a teddy bear took care of each other? I'm just a mom with this thought and I don't know how the "security blanket" thing might play into this. Would it be exchanging one dependency for another or... maybe it's a good idea?
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I have had problems with this for years - much further - into my 40's and probably on into old age.
One of the best things I've found to do is not watch anything weird on tv before bed. And - yep - the Wizard of Oz counts as weird.
The movies I've turned on are movies that are comforting and stuff I watch when I'm sick (I don't really have to pay attention) Sleepless in Seattle, While You Were Sleeping, Man from Snowy River - any movie that I've seen over and over again and wouldn't feel bad about falling asleep to.
You have mentioned you're a Christian. . .and I've got some videos my niece loves falling asleep to: "The Best of Mark Lowry, Volumes 1 and 2".
Things are better for me now that I live in a secured building - meaning someone has to punch a code to get in a door just to get into my dead-bolted door. With me, my nightmares were all about security.
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BJ
I don't want to encourage the security blanket thing too much with her unless she comes across something naturally that she wants to have with her. She is almost 7 yrs old. My 17 yr old still sucks her thumb.
Cat,
I LOVE MARK LOWRY! HE IS A RIOT!
Laura
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And - yep - the Wizard of Oz counts as weird.
Those flying monkeys alone are enough to creep anybody out.
mud