Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: mudpuppy on June 21, 2006, 03:46:48 PM
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Jon asked for any good jokes on a different thread. Haven't got any, here's a bad one instead. No offense intended to anyone. If anyone is offended go soak your head, its a joke.
A Hindu, a Jew and a Narcissist are driving through the country when their car breaks down. Its late and its cold so they walk to the nearest farm and ask the farmer if he can help them. He tells them sure he can but it will have to wait until morning. In the meantime he only has room for two of them in his house, one will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, "I'll sleep in the barn, sahib. My friends here can use your home." After a little discussion the other two agree.
Everyone goes to bed until a short time later when there is a knock on the door.
The farmer gets up, opens the door and there's the Hindu standing there.
He says "There's a goat in your barn.Goats are filthy digusting animals. I can't sleep in a barn with a goat.
So the Jewish guy says, " Not to worry, my friend. You're a mensch. I'll sleep in the barn. Goats don't bother me"
Everyone goes to sleep again, until presently they hear another knock at the door.
The farmer opens it up and there's the Jewish guy standing there.
He says "There's a pig in the barn. Pigs are filthy digusting animals. I can't sleep in a barn with a pig."
At which point the Narcissist says, "OK I'll be big about this and sleep in the barn. Satisfied?"
So they all go back to sleep again.
Pretty soon, sure enough, there's a loud knock on the door that wakes them all up.
The farmer is pretty agitated by this time and throws the door open.
There standing in the doorway are the goat and the pig.
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Here's another for the pile, Mud,
There is a slight mention of religion in this one, so I hope anyone who's easily irked around religious issues will skip it...buyer beware, please.
After many invitations, a teenage girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents and he finally agrees. This means so much to her that the girl tells him that after dinner, she'd like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the teenage boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy decides on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at his girlfriend's house and meets her at the door. "Oh, I'm thrilled for you to finally meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and sits down at the dinner table with the girl's parents. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, head down. Ten minutes pass, still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." Without lifting his head, the boy whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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Hey this thread is for bad jokes not funny ones. :?
mud
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Jac,
My joke is based on a rather unfortunate ethnic joke. Substitute for Narcissist someone of, oh say, Polish or Irish descent and you get the picture.
But I figured what the hey, nobody likes Narcissists, not even other Narcissists.
mud
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I got this stinker (altho funny) in an email...
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so
I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there
that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not
to worry because they were trained professionals and I was
in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
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umm... Mud... our pastor tells the same joke, except the 3rd guy is a televangelist... the one who drives the goat and the pig out of the barn. ahem. :lol:
Hope
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A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and liking the warm tropical
weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing.
He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned
beyond belief.
He could hardly stand the pain and decided to go to the local doctor
for treatment.
The doctor looked at his lobster colored legs and shook his
head. "You must realize that this is only a small village medical
facility," he explained.
"I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking
this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of
Viagra.
Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn ... what's a Viagra
tablet going to do?"
"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep
the sheets off your legs."
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Ooh, These are good; even the bad ones are good! Your airport joke made me cackle, Sugarbear...so maybe I'm losing it? :shock:
Just remembered another one...blondes, please forgive me, since, eek, I'm blonde myself :P
There was a blonde woman who was really broke and desperate and lived near a school. So she started watching the playground and noticed that one little boy was always dropped off by an expensive car and wore designer clothes. She figured he must be rich. So one day, as school let out, she pinned a note to the boy's shirt.
The note read, "Put $20,000 in a bag near the oak tree on the playground or you'll never see your boy again. Signed, The Blonde. "
Dim bulb that she was, The Blonde sent the boy home with the note.
The next morning she went to the playground and there was the bag, money and all. There was a note taped to the bag, which said, "Okay, here's your money. I can't believe you would do this to another blonde!"
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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"
*giggling*
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I don't get it????? Help. I am blonde. Or I was before this last dye job... One with everything??? OK ha ha I get it now. Ha ha
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Hahahaha!! :D :D :D
My kinda thread. :mrgreen:
I think this one might fit here:
A Bug
Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
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Groooooooaaaaaaaaannnnnnn....
A priest, a rabbi, a pastor, and an imman went on a fishing trip in the Everglades. As they paddled along in their canoe, they had a lively discussion about religion, the troubles of the world, and many other important matters. Sometimes they got so worked up that they would gesticulate wildly, and the canoe would tip and rock. At one point, one of the fishermen leapt to his feet and unbalanced the canoe. Over it went, and they all were dumped into the water.
An enormous ancient crocodile, the biggest ever, swam up and ate the four men, one by one.
Then he crawled up on the muddy bank and had an ecumenical movement.
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Thanks Mud for the huge guffaw. Very visual, I love visuals and Sela the cockroach fits the bill (said the duck).
This isn’t a joke but I hope you’ll find it funny. Someone once said that “every joke has a victim” and I’ve remembered that because I can’t get into that way of thinking. I mean, every joke has a victim if the brunt of the joke sees themselves as a victim? A bit like the story here (sorry I forgot who posted it – Anansi’s thread?, but boy, I remember the story!) about the woman who took the fridge magnet message to heart: “80% of people are shit” and who reacted angrily!
The following happened to me and although it shows someone’s momentary dippy thinking, we both thought it was funny, so I don’t think she would see herself as a victim. Is that enough of a disclaimer? I think so!
I’m sitting at my desk. A colleague comes up to talk about an idea for mailshots to our clients. We discuss mailing clients on their birthdays and the various messages and insurance or investment products we might tailor to their ages. We’re about fifteen minutes in and pondering about timings and schedules for such mailings and she muses (looking away from me) “Hmmm I wonder how many of our clients have birthdays in any one year...”. I waited until she looked back at me before saying “all of them?” and we both fell about laughing.
Oh Hops! :D
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I love this thread. I suck at telling jokes. They get lost in translation.
Oh, and I agree with the every joke has a victim thing, and I think it's true because joking reminds me of performance arts:
the audience goes in with an unspoken agreement with the performers: what you do on stage, I will go along with....
I mean if you have ever seen any performance at all, the enjoyment comes from this agreement between audience and artist.
And joking also relies on surprise...so if you think the joke is funny because of that surprise, you are happily in agreement with the joke teller to be the "victim" or audience (except that lady with the refrigerator magnet.....she needs stick removal surgery, badly, ooh, I guess that's a little "Punny" considering what she was upset about).
So here's a bad joke that is truly VERBAL (so it will only be funny if you TELL it):
Two peanuts walk into a bar....and one of them is assaulted (a salted).
See? you were forewarned.
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A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender looks at the string and tells him to get lost "We don't serve string in this bar!"
So, the string goes outside ties himself into a knot and rubs his ends in the gutter and gets all twisted and split. He walks back into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender takes one look at him and says "Say, aren't you that same piece of string that I just saw?"
The string answers "NO! I'm a frayed knot!"
(a frayed knot... Afraid not...it's better out loud...)
Sorry, I have sooooo many bad jokes... :)
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Why aren’t there any Aspirins / headache pills in the zoo?
Because the parrots eat ‘em all………………
(Say it out loud)
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I LOVE Steven Wright...
Here are some of his "jokes."
Beth
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
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We haven't added to this in a bit. Feel like some humor today :)
My mate had just hopped into the shower after his wife came out , and the front doorbell went... she wrapped a towel around her and answered the door. It was Bob , their next door neighbour....she asked "What is it Bob?" ...and Bob was so amazed at this sight before him that he took a few seconds to come round..."Yes Bob what is it," she said rather irratated....Bob just looked at her and said how amazing looking she was with just a towle around her...and he would give her £200 to take it off and stand there naked for thirty seconds....She was going to tell him to go to h***, but it suddenly dawned on her that two hundred pounds could buy her that nice dress she had seen in the shops....ah , what harm would it do ? so she dropped her towel and stood there for thirty seconds with Bob getting his eyefull.....then he handed her £200. She grabbed the money and shut the door...she could not believe her luck, she went up the stairs and put the money in her secret hiding place, then a voice came from the shower room..."Who was at the door honey?" "Oh it was just Bob from next door," she replied ..... "And did he give ye that £200 pounds back that Iloaned him???"
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One more... a list for the girls on our board...
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder
excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like and idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
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This post is gold. I feel like I should contribute, being the "official self-proclaimed inspiration" for the thread.
(http://64.4.26.250/cgi-bin/getmsg/PHONESEX.jpg?&msg=5ABF9EF9-5005-4216-8BA0-CA7FE718D984&start=0&len=29826&mimepart=5&curmbox=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001&b=f0f77e7ab9fa9b9a390e3779af7b7c56&disk=10.1.106.210_d1765&login=jonathonwallace&domain=hotmail%2ecom&hm___sig=fa8c89ac01c69b53f04939e05a0f8488f942d6e26a624686)
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:o :lol:
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Happy Friday!
Tommy Cooper one-liners, a selection:
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaarrrrrrgghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
:D
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Hey P,
While a couple of those got lost in the translation from the King's english to this backwards colonist, overall very funny. :lol:
Parking fine. :lol: :lol:
mud
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Here's a clean one, about doctors.
An internal medicine doc, a radiologist, a pathologist, and a surgeon are out duck hunting. They have all agreed to take turns attempting to 'bag' a duck as opportunities arise.
Shortly after they settle into the blind, several waterfowl fly past. It's the internist's turn. He aims, then says: "looks like ducks. Rule out geese... rule out swans... rule out loons..." and by then, the birds are out of range.
Next chance comes for the radiologist, who just watches the birds fly past, observing that "The appearance is consistent with, but not necessarily diagnostic of, ducks."
Third chance falls to the pathologist. But as a large flock of birds passes over, the surgeon suddenly raises his gun and fires, bringing down a large fowl. He then turns to the pathologist and says, "Right. Go get that, and tell me what it is."
And yes, this is an N joke too, isn't it? ;-)
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Here is a musician joke.
Tropical island. Beautiful. Beautiful. But every visitor learns quickly that they had better have earplugs, or get used to the sound of constant, endless drumming. And when they comment about it, when they complain, all they hear from the local citizens is: "Drums are good. Drumming must not stop."
Hour after hour, day after day, the drumming continues... and the tourists buy earplugs, or leave, or slowly go dotty...
Then, one afternoon, all of a sudden,
the drumming
stops.
And the local citizens come scrambling out of their houses, terrified, clutching each other, wailing, beside themselves.
One intrepid tourist, bravely removing an earplug, runs over to a small group of locals who are holding onto one another out on the pavement.
"I don't understand... what's wrong? The drumming was maddening, it went on and on and on... and now it's stopped. How can that be a bad thing?"
And the locals turn to him and wail:
WHEN THE DRUMS STOP -- NOW COMES THE BASS SOLO!!!!!!!!!!!
[Yeah, I learned this one from that sweet hairy bass playing guy.]
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My favorite Steven Wright:
I was at this restaurant and ordered soup. When the waiter brought it there was a fly in it. I was so depressed. I ordered a moth.
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[This one works best if you read it aloud.]
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"; "er" kan bekum "a". And after ziz fifz yer, zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted anyvay!
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Just to keep things from getting too serious around here and because Stormy's last joke involved our european friends,
here's one of my favorites....
Q. Why is the Champ Elysees lined with trees?
A. Because the German army likes to march in the shade. :lol:
mud
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The Pearly Gates
There once was a rich man who was near death .
He was very grieved because he wanted to take his wealth with him to heaven.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him "sorry but you can not take your wealth with you" .
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth follow him to heaven.
The angel reappears and tells the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him to heaven.
Overjoyed the man gathers his suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon the man dies and shows up at the pearly gates of Heaven and greets St. Peter .
St.Peter says I must check your suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found so precious to leave behind.
Then St. Peter exclaims "you brought pavement"!!!