Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: axa on June 30, 2006, 05:04:52 AM
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Hi guys,
still very conscious of the level of anger I hold inside of me. Interestingly enough, the more aware I am of owning the anger the less connected I feel with N. There seems to be some relationship with owning my anger and feeling less needy, more adult or something like that. I really want to work on this because I am convinced now that this is the hook for me.
There are so many Ns around and I cannot do anything about them but I really want to work on protecting myself from them. I have a gap in my defences and that is where I let them in. I recently thought that if N was a woman I would have spotted him from the beginning and would have had nothing to do with him but I am really caught up in rescuing "little boys". I am not sure where to do with this anger it has been hidden for so long, with the exception of occasional outbursts towards N.
Any thoughts,
Axa
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Hi axa - do a little googling about the 'fight or flight' response.
Working out, walking, or some other exercise related routine [putting something lively on the stereo and dancing till you're tired, or vacuuming the whole house until you raise a sweat, if there isn't any other option] is a really good way to give your body the chance to work out the anger in a physical way without acting out or acting in.
The only problem is that it's possible to become dependent on the exercise routine [we all know people who are addicted to the gym]. But I'd say that small risk is probably worth the benefit of having a way to 'valve off' that does you direct benefit.
--- some thoughts about gyms --- a lot of them are so loud, noisy, boomy, crowded, full of 'vain yuppies'*, etc. that you end up more jangled and annoyed when you go there than you were before you headed there. I know people who constantly complain about the TVs, people crowding them off the machines, people hogging the gym towels, etc. etc. --- who needs that??? --- I use a gym that's part of a rehab facility, for people recovering from accidents, surgery, etc. Its hours are more restricted, but it's quiet, never too crowded, the people are courteous to each other, there are genuinely qualified physical therapists on staff, and it's quite affordable since people can pay by the visit.
*boutique gyms are major N country. Easy to pick them out, though, they're the ones who never take their eyes off the mirror or their own muscles ;-)
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Hi Axa,
It's likely that the underpinnings of all that anger = a load of hurt, betrayal, and grief. Pride, too... after all, how dare they do this to me? And then fear, which is the glue, I think, which holds this toxic mix all together. Seems to be based on the faulty reasoning that if I forsake the anger, then I lose all protection against those who would consume me. A lifelong habit of operating in survival mode is not easily overcome, but I think that one of the first steps after recognizing the driving force behind our negative mindsets is to deliberately begin to form new habits of thinking. All emotions begin with a thought, possibly buried deep in the dim recesses, but a thought nonetheless. We do have control over which thoughts we'll allow to bloom into feelings. We also have a choice whether or not to act based on those feelings. I practice what the Bible calls "casting down vain imaginations" and literally envision myself choosing life over death each time I toss out one of those old thought patterns. It works.
You now have the anger out in the light of day. That's a great beginning! I don't know any way to overcome the flesh (thoughts, feelings, negative drives) other than by the Spirit. For me, this renewing of the mind is only possible when I focus on Christ instead of on myself or others who have wounded me. (Many times, I've been my own worst enemy, so this battle for the mind is a very real one to me.) For anyone though, I think that anger when it takes root as bitterness is the most destructive force there is, and again, forgiveness is the only way through. We can't receive anything as long as we have our fists clenched tightly around old rubbish. Gotta let it go.
With love,
Hope
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Axa , All you have spoken so well is what I have felt .I now have stopped expecting Love Understanding etc.from FOO.
That brings the next step the anger .Then another, step the why .But soon it comes to your own soul. And to your own
responsibility of self.Then you can claim your own beingness .It is your LIFE .Also there even is forgiveness for those
that caused the pain to begin with .For what caused their's? Then comes a true souls peace .Its not that I have done these things completely but
some things are on there way to be done.But still with some people you can only send love and forgiveness from a distance.
I still am angry mixed with forgiveness and Love its very odd place to be.But there it is.I expect more Love and acceptance to replace the anger.
Love
MoonLight
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thank you for your words of wisdom. Yes I do think I have been my own worst enemy. I sabotage my life by getting into dysfunctional relationships and I sabotage my spirit, which is joyful and light. I danced today to very loud music and it changed my energy from being very flat to joyful. I need to remember these things. I also bashed coriandor seeds with a hammer which felt pretty good.
I know where my anger comes from and have moved on from blaming my parents but I realise now I have not released it and that I need to do. For me to be focusing on MY dysfunction rather than Ns is real progress and I am glad to be at this place. I have no interest in blaming him anymore because I need to heal myself..........he is not the source of MY problem. He is just a sympthom....another one.
Reading the posts here has alerted me to my need to blame and side step my issues. I feel more focused on these now and hope that healing and movement will follow.
I was a little scared of the flatness I felt but also realise that it will pass.
Thank you all for your support and wisdom.
axa xxx
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Axa, this sounds good, you sound really solid and grounded, I'm extremely happy for you and worried sick that it sounds patronizing for me to say so... but the heck with that. You sound really solid and grounded. It's admirable! I'm admiring it. Go go go go go go go! 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
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Hi Storm,
Loosing ground a bit today. Woke up raging at n again but back focused on my anger. I keep rerunning the tapes of he did this, that and the other. It is such a waste of energy...mine. I am shifting again into focusing on my needs/issues.
I am such a caretaker that it really annoys me, often to my own detremint. everywhere else in my life I am able to function in an adult assertive way but show me an N and I become the mother who puts up with everything. Interesting enough, I have clear boundaries with my kids and am able to mother them in a nurturing and respectful way. Ns press all the old buttons for me. I go into pleading explaining mode which is so pathetic............more and more awareness.
axa
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:oops: :oops: :oops:
I think I might well be the prototype pleading caretaking explainer, axa, so I understand that one really well.
Do you have any of Melanie Beattie's books? She describes recovery as something like stairsteps, a spiral staircase, you may be on a landing for awhile then you move up; you may feel that you fall back but actually you're just above the same point on the spiral and then you move up again. It's not a continual climb... we're not made that way...
I'm really glad you're here. PS - do you do lucid dreaming? Waking up angry might mean you're processing things in your sleep and woke up right after a dream. It's valuable information.
On edit: I discovered this poem when I was about 13. It has kept me going through some of the hardest times in my life. I hope it gives you some of the same encouragement.
Mother to Son
by Langston Hughes
Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
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Got all the books, have read them all but processing is happening at a different level now. You know what, I want to be happy. I am sick of listening to myself complaining about all the terrible things that have happened to me. Even though I ended up with an N again I have made significant progress in my lfevel of awareness.
lotsof hugs
axa
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Stormy,
The Langston Hughes poem is excellent. I'se still goin', I'se still climbin'--that's what we're doing here on this board. It's good to have company.
Axa,
I guess you ended up with an N again because you still had to figure out the answers. I think that's why I'm at where I'm at these days. At any rate, I'm finding out things like crazy. So, I guess I'm in the right place. Even though I wish it were easier and felt better (because sometimes I just feel despair) I would rather just really know the answers, the truth. I don't see how I can live a good, right life if I keep hiding from the truth and the hard parts. I've sometimes just run away and tried to escape. Or I've thrown myself into the fire and put up such a fight that I still didn't see what was real and what I should do about it. Anger can be a distraction too.
I want to be happy too. Just don't know quite how yet. Progress, though, and understanding, must be part of it. For me it has to be. I can't be happy while I'm fooling myself and not understanding it right down to the last molecule.
Pennyplant
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((((((((((((((((((((all y'all))))))))))))))))))))
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Hi, Axa. Being in the middle of that realization of how much anger drives us is tough.....but essential. Pain and negative emotions of any kind are there to get us to notice something. If we don't take notice we are doomed to chronic conditions of anger and negativity....like so many N's we know.
You want something different for your life. Although your anger is totally justified and understandable (we all feel it or have felt it!!), all you really need to know is that you INTEND to let this go and be happy and not to stay stuck in it.
Now HOW it happens is where faith comes in. Set your intention....and let the universe do it's thing....the unconditional love thing. TRUST that you are loved, and loveable, and that good things will come your way. You don't want to be a vessel of anger...you will only rot yourself, as you well know. So don't worry if the anger isn't gone yet....geez, you got screwed by an N!
That's some pretty potent poison to get out of your system. I think we all know that here.
But INTENTION is where everything starts. So relax, you made a decision to be happy......now let that intention go out into the great LOVE and just wait for the wonderful fallout. Kinda fun taking back your birhtright of happiness isn't it???
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((mum)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Hi Mum
I do agree with you about intention..........I am working on focusing on the good, I have many good people in my life who care about me. I need to shift my energy to those people and myself. I keep forgetting myself. Sometimes I try and stand outside my life and think if it was someone else how would i feel. I know the answer is that I would admire me for the difficulties I have over come..the challenges I have taken on and the genuine sense of care I have for others. Need to self affirm badly.
I know stillness is a big part of my answer but run from it. Will keep reminding myself of the need for stillness and COMPASSION.
Thanks all,
axa
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Axa, you are doing so well. Remember compassion only comes when we first give it to ourselves. (((((((((((((Axa)))))))))))))))
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Hi Mum,
Am very good at being compassionate to others but lack aiming it at myself. I think this will be my goal for today, to be soft and gentle with myself. I have had a very hard time but discount so much of that and get on with things. This seems to be one of the keys which keep me hooked also, transferring my compassion and empathy to others at the expense of myself.
The concept of intention is also whizzing around in my brain. My unconscious intention in relationships has been to resolved the unresolvable...........rewriting the script with my N parents. No wonder I am where I am. I thought I had moved on from that, but it seems not. The answer seems to be unconditional, adult reparenting by me for me. Now there is a tough one.
Over the past few days I have a sense of softness creeping into my being. Without a doubt the acknowledgement of my anger has lessened the rage and seems to be replaced with a sadness and a softness, feels like progress.
I find that I forget that healing is not a linear thing and when I slip back into old ways I admonish myself for not having "learned enough". So the order of the day is compassion for axa.
Many thanks to all for joining me and supporting me on this difficult journey.
axa
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Hi Axa,
You have much clarity...what you describe reminds me of the idea that anger is a covering emotion for either hurt or fear. So in feeling your sadness, you may be going beneath the surface (rage) to feel the deeper emotion beneath. Beneath is where the deeper healing takes place, I think.
I think if you don't let the sadness turn to depression, but let it sink to its natural weight, which may be grief...there may be some deep crying, which would be a release of pain that's been clutched inside.
Thank you for sharing here.
Hopalong
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Axa. You are amazing. Sharing with us here helps me more than you know.
I forget which Pema Chodron writing this is in: so I will paraphrase:
She talks about that small moment, right after we are hurt or injured by others, where there is a softness...a soft pain, as our defenses are down and our soft underbelly is open....and so quickly we cover it up, we harden, shell it over, make it better, get angry, get tough. Her message in this teaching is to connect with that soft pain, to really feel it, to leave it open, not harden....it is in this moment that we have compassion, for ourselves, for others who have ever felt this same pain, and this is how we heal.
I have found this to be extremely difficult, after the repeated injuries at the hands of N's...we are so very reactive. I do believe it is necessary to connect with this pain and see what it's about, why it's there. We learn from pain. We don't learn if we cover it up, gloss it over, fix it or try to escape it. We become very hard and scarred when we do that.
I think you get this....I think you are doing this. I think that's why it hurts so much...you are allowing it.
I agree, the order of the day is compassion for Axa. You DESERVE this....you are a peaceful warrior.
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Hi Axa,
It's good to hear you feeling progress, being gentle with Axa. I think that's the key to changing behavior: with self-love and understanding (fuel for the journey) versus self-scolding (beating head against the internal walls). The head against the wall, so far as I can tell, after extensive research, only ensures more emotional detours, head banging, and bad feeling. The endless loop. imho, you describe it perfectly here, and the tangible difference of self-compassion as a means to paint your way out:
Over the past few days I have a sense of softness creeping into my being. Without a doubt the acknowledgment of my anger has lessened the rage and seems to be replaced with a sadness and a softness, feels like progress.
I find that I forget that healing is not a linear thing and when I slip back into old ways I admonish myself for not having "learned enough". So the order of the day is compassion for axa.
Of all the draining/backward things I've done, (and would mercifully wish the rest of the world to avoid) blaming myself for how I feel, or my sloppy progress, is maybe the dumbest loop I've ever lived in. imho, you're wise to see healing as something to court rather than poke at with a stick. Took me years of the stick approach to be 100% sure which stick was the sharpest and most likely to explode. :shock:
Your way is much gentler. Hope you keep feeling all that compassion for Axa, it's the best-tasting stuff!
LoH
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You are all so kind and supportive and more than that I feel heard and not judged..........seems like there is some gentle encouraging parenting going on here. Thank you all.
Today I told the loud old judgement voice in my head to shut up. I am doing okay, maybe I am not doing things the way others are but I am taking this gently. I am also acknowledging my shadow side which can be withdrawn and in that cruel and hurtful. I have been reading a lot about ones shadow side and see the amalgamation and acceptance of that part of me as integral to my healing. I acknowledge that I have the capacity to be as cruel and nasty as any N but I choose not to and that is the difference I make choices as an adult.
If I do not acknowledge this shadow part of me I polarise myself and become the "good one" who in turn turns into the victim. I do not want to be a victim. I want to be an adult with strong boundaries who knows how to take care of herself.
Any thoughts on the shadow side?
xxx axa
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Rejecting the shadow is not very different from 'splitting', axa - as long as we need all the bad to be in 'them' and all the good in us, we're still stuck to 'them'; they're carrying part of our personality and we can't get loose. When we can own our own shadows, and let them own their goodness as well as their shadows, we begin to be free.
Isn't it interesting - that only three dimensional real things - have shadows.
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Storm,
Yes, Yes, Yes, eureka............just hit me when I read your post. I needed him to be the bad one so that I could be the good one. I am bored with being the long suffering victim and I take responsiblity for setting myself up in that place. What I have been aware of when posting here is that I have not been talking about him very much which I see as progress. I am moving on from the blaming and taking responsibility..........feel a lot older than the helpless child I usually visit at times like this.
For me, I am sure, the key is the integration and claiming of my own shadow side. That nasty mean part of me that I have disowned and not allowed any room to see the light. Owning my anger seems to me to be part of letting that shadow move out of the darkness.
I had a thought yesterday that in some ways, and i write this begrugingly, that N has been my teacher. Without the events of the past while in this relationship I would not have allowed myself see through the games and my part in them. I wish I did not have to go through what I have gone through but it feels like the only way forward.
Wonderful insights and learning here
axa
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Everyone ,
I am doing what feels like work on what I can only describe as a 3-d chess board.
On one level there is victim hood and on another embracing Tinker bell's shadow self spooky huh .Shadow self- judgment not comfortable in that seat.
On another level compassion and forgiveness.What ever going on is fast and furious .
I can hardly keep up with it .Its like all spiritual toxin's are being removed from my being.
I COULD NOT STOP IT IF I WANTED TO.
MoonLight
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Moonlight
Right back at ya sister. Something is shifting for me around the victimhood. In fact I think it a sense of loss and sadness have replaced this feeling. I am so sad that I have ended up in the games again but I see that I had to go back to them before I can step out of them. Sometimes I feel really happy and powerful and then the abandonment stuff hits and I get scared and panicked.
Your image of the 3d chessboard is really helpful. When I find myself in victim/helpless I call on the strong compassionate adult side of me, rub my stomach and tell the scared part that this time I will be the one to look after her, she is not alone. It is a bit like a rollercoaster but I think I am the one with control of the buttons for a change..........hard work. The more I stay aware the less scared I am. Also thank God for the present. Right now writing this I am fine. I need a sign stuck in front of my eyes to remember that.
Scary part coming up for me soon, will not go into it, but will stay in contact and try and concentrate on myself rather than the other while this is happening..........wish me luck
axa
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axa, Maybe try to choose not to feel quite as scared because of all the folks that understand you right here .
I am really not feeling loss I do not want to be around people that do not understand me and like to hurt me and make fun of me and think they are better than me.That's no fun .
I feel sad a little but I am so excited about finding out about the real me. I do not give a hoot what they are up to.(family of origin FOO)
All they care about is money and power.No one can abandon you .Looking inward with your heart full of love ,be kind to your self..........................more and more each day can help.
I have all this stuff going on in my head this healing .I do have my Faith to thank for it.AWWWWWWWWW let yourself feel what your going to feel .Thats what heals us.
Its holding them in that prevents healing.Be gentle with yourself .Every things Oakey Dokey.
Axa you are a wonderful, kind person.Oh here's some extra special luck :D :D :D
BIG HUGS
MoonLight
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Hi Axa,
For me, I am sure, the key is the integration and claiming of my own shadow side. That nasty mean part of me that I have disowned and not allowed any room to see the light. Owning my anger seems to me to be part of letting that shadow move out of the darkness.
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Sounds like you walking toward your whole centered self, like Jac said. A kind of soul- and heart-lightening strength, imho.
One of my big before and afters came when I finally quit seeing my hardest behavior struggles (flaws/weak links/shadows/worst traits) as bad things, or something other, and understood they were just part of me. No bigger or smaller than the things I like best about myself once I stopped giving them all that power over me. Suddenly, less self-blame, judgment, emotional brick walls. It was like passing through a pinhole into a whole other universe of living with myself. And by extension, with everyone else.
I'm no closer to perfect now, but am quicker to recognize emotions behind my behavior, accept and forgive myself, and move on. Even laugh at myself in the middle of a bout of irritation. Or let it flow through and out. Rather than let it snowball into the kind of emotional spirals I used to have, which always ended in self-recrimination. Head versus wall. As in, I suck. I feel like a lousy person. Now I know another way, how it feels, and the warning signs. I still slip into self-nastiness once in a while, but it's a quick visit.
I had a thought yesterday that in some ways, and i write this begrugingly, that N has been my teacher. Without the events of the past while in this relationship I would not have allowed myself see through the games and my part in them. I wish I did not have to go through what I have gone through but it feels like the only way forward.
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I think N can be a stellar teacher, as can folks who hurt us. Sometimes the most profoundly healing lessons arise from sheer pain.
I wish you bottomless luck for the scary part, Axa. Though I think you already have something stronger than luck: the power to keep knowing and loving yourself better. The cool part is, you already have that inside you, and every scary thing will feel a little smaller with this shift you keep making towards you. Like you said, Thank God for the present, 'cause it's all we ever have.
:D
Please take good care,
LoH
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I love reading these posts...all of you....way better than some books I am reading!!!
Axa, you nailed it. He IS your teacher....that's why you chose him. Kinda puts you back in the driver's seat, no? That's because you are.
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Hi Axa,
Occurs to me too that maybe part of the fear is that in letting go of the victim role there might be some grieving going on. I mean, you don't want to be Victim any more, but she was familiar. So saying goodbye to her/that...you are letting go of something that had been quite comfortable, in a way.
Maybe some of the fear and discomfort is simply about changing--moving out of that familiar part. And as you endure the process, because you know it's for your healing and greater good...it will become easier to NOT be her, than to stay her.
Make any sense?
Hopalong
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Hi axa.
How are you doing .I am really putting into practice the wisdom from everyone on the board.
Today ,I woke up in gratitude, good start.All I am doing are routine tasks .
But my body is doing them in such simple gladness sounds goofy .Something has changed .
A real desire to live my life ,its my life and I do not have to live up to some weird standard my father made up in his head .
It just went POOF.Its like someone cut the strings on Pinocchio and he becomes a real boy.There are no strings on me.
Its like what Stormy says its about becoming real. I think this feeling is because of the mental detachment from family members that just after years of trying I can not seem to have a healthy relationship with.
Its too bad, maybe things will change,I know I am.The heart is a lonely hunter I have compassion for self which is what I need to build on before I can be of more helpful to others.Forgiveness and Compassion and Love
What else do you need to be in your heart pocket?
MoonLight
P.S Is there a girl Pinocchio? Well any way glad the strings are gone . :D :D :D
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The heart is a lonely hunter I have compassion for self which is what I need to build on before I can be of more helpful to others.Forgiveness and Compassion and Love
What else do you need to be in your heart pocket?
The heart is a lonely hunter--I've never heard it put this way before. Very beautiful, Moon.
Pennyplant
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Hi PP--
Carson McCullers wrote an amazing novel by that title...The Heart is a Lonely Hunter.
you might like it!
Hops
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Hi PP ,There is also a wonderful musician named David Byrne (His band The Talking Heads)
David Byrne song Welcome to my Spaceship Name of CD The Cosmic Game.
But there was a lyric in it "The Heart's a Lonely Hunter" and I had read the book years ago .
The lyric was floating around my mind last 2 days because of listening to CD.
Maybe thats where David Byrne got the line ?The CD is great.
Hops Did you love Carson McCullers too .Her close friends were Truman Capote ,Tennessee Williams
Love,
Moon
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The South did a lot of things wrong...but boy did it produce some great writers!
Eudory Welty, McCullers, Faulkner, Robert Penn Warren, more...
Hops
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axa ,I have a dear friend that is a poet and he called today.
Wow, It seems we are going thu so much of the same parallel family of origin stuff .
It is so good to have a friend that understands.It eases the confusion.
Also it is good to try to remember the small kindness others bring.
A kind phone call this means so much to me.Today my tiny girl had a fever and sore throat
not enough to go to the doctor.
But in bed all day.I am grateful she is better now .And sometimes a day with no anger.
Hugs ,
MoonLight