Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on July 28, 2006, 10:32:45 PM
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I just went to see my close friend R who's dying of ovarian cancer today while she was getting her last-ditch last chemo. She has been back in the hosp for a few days but didn’t want anyone to know.
Her doc told her yesterday there is some possibility her bowel may rupture (the tumor’s blocking everything and it’s made her terribly sick) and if it does, she has 12 hours. If it doesn’t, who knows. She had a transfusion but nothing’s changed. I think it's likely no more than a week or a month.
Her cat had been ailing and R thought she (the cat) was just picking up on what’s been happening and was moping. But her partner D took the cat to the vet and he told her the cat has advanced abdominal cancer, inoperable. So a nurse in the infusion center who's a friend, and D
smuggled Blackie in, and R fell apart, crying for the first time since her cancer began spreading fast a few months ago, and said goodbye to her cat who was put to sleep this afternoon.
D almost passed out a few days ago and some people from church had to drive her home. It turned out she'd gotten dehydrated from so much crying.
I feel I’ve just seen R for the last time. I bought one of her paintings this winter: a sunset over a field. She grasps the last faint glow of light on the land, very faint, but amazingly beautiful. Overhead the sky is ablaze with light and color, and two faint jet contrails.
On Monday my very close friend A has surgery for her colon cancer and "a large ovarian mass". She has not said so but I am sure the colon cancer is actually ovarian cancer that metastasized to the colon. Her wonderful hubby's first wife died of cancer.
My brain keeps boinging around between them. I think I'm in a little bit of shock lately. I know it's part of life, but they're way too young.
Hops
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:cry: ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops and friends)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
That is so sad and it must be so hard for you right now. I'm so sorry Hops. There are some things we are just not meant to understand. I hope and pray for both of your friends to have a peaceful passing, if it is time. And for you to carry only the good memories of them with you.
Wish I had some wisdom or something useful to offer you Hops. I'm sorry I don't. You and your friends are in my prayers tonight.
:( Sela
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Hi Hops ,
Life is so sweet and I know when loved ones are ill we just can do so much.
I just got out of hospital for hernia operation.
All went well and when in my hospital room there was a woman wishing to share prayer and comfort.
My hubby and two girls were with me .
I asked for us to say prayers for loved ones that are also ill .
We did not plan to pray that day and it was after my surgery was done and I was OK and very grateful to be ok.
It is hard to see loved ones hurting.
Hops smuggling Blackie in was so very dear.
Love,
Moon
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(((((((((((((Hoppy)))))))))))))
I am so sorry to hear this.... I wish there was something I could do or say to ease what you and your friends are feeling.
Sometimes miracles do happen, let's hope so.
(((((((Moon))))))) I'm glad to hear your hernia operation went well.
Wishing you both lots of strength.
Take care
Love H&H xx
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Good morning Hopalong,
the patients I work with are terminally ill, and death has become a part of my everyday life.
But also part of the joy- for helping someone die with comfort, dignity and peace is a blessing to be part of.
I bought one of her paintings this winter: a sunset over a field. She grasps the last faint glow of light on the land, very faint, but amazingly beautiful.
and it sounds like she did well her work on earth, and leaves her legacies.
I wanted to write a beautiful quote, and say grieve well, but suddenly this came to mind from stand-up comedian Will Shriner:
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
reminding me- I can remember few profound sayings from people's last days and hours, but loads of their wry comments or jokes....
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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(((((((Hops))))))) Praying here.
Love,
Hope
P.S. on edit... (((((((Moon)))))))) Very glad you're back and well again. I hope the healing will continue in your family.
Love,
Hope
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(((((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
friends make life wonderful
You’re a wonderful friend to many I think
You’re not alone.
(((((((((((((((Moon)))))))))))))))
glad for you Moonlight.
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Ezr 9:3
And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my mantle, and plucked off the hair of my head and of my beard, and sat down astonied.
Job 2:11
Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place; Eliphaz the Temanite, and Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite: for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him.
Job 2:12
And when they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven.
Job 2:13
So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that [his] grief was very great.
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'Sitting shiva' with you, Hops, and with D. I can't find words for this. I hope it's OK that I borrowed the ones above, I hope they help.
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Hi Hops ,
Hope you and friend are enjoying every sunset and the beauty of every cloud that passes .
Also I did not mean to hijack your thread Hops please forgive I am going thu some similar issues and do not know how to handle the emotions at times .
This is your thread about your dear dear friend and you all Love to you .
Love ,
moon
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Jac, you DID say it. And Sela, utterly useful. Thanks guys.
Moon, hon, so sorry you had surgery but so glad it's over! (Blackie thanks you too.)
H&H, you did it and said it. Mwah.
Write, thanks for 'seeing' her painting..and the great joke! :) :)
Hope, thank you. I always think I feel prayer's power. It's a loving thing to do.
Portia, I don't feel alone. Thanks you dear. This board is amazing.
Storm, those verses are very moving. Grief is so ancient. Thank you.
H & H, you're my friend too and you are welcome on any thread I sew with ever!
Y'all. My heart feels warm. Think you didn't "do anything useful?" :)
((((((((((((((((((everybody, including anybody reading)))))))))))))))))
Hops
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Hops,
You are in my prayers. Blessyou
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Thanks, RM.
You're in mine too.
Hops
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My friend R called me Saturday, sounding very weak. I was so happy to hear her voice...I had thought we'd never talk again. She asked me to come out Sunday, picking up some of her pain Rx on the way.
I drove out and she wasn't there...but several of her family's cars were. I thought, she's had a little burst of energy, maybe they've taken her for a little drive so she can see the moutain views she's loved and painted all her life. I walked in her garden, there were butterflies everywhere, looked at the amazing things she's planted and tended, looked at the great field and mountain. Came inside and just sat, looking at her paintings, a wall of cards and drawings sent her by so many many friends. Brreathed in the serenity and beauty, patted her sweet dog.
Finally checked my home messages and her BIL had called. Her bowel ruptured Saturday night, she's in the hospital. She will be dying very soon. Her family, her father, her sister, BIL, niece, nephew and her many friends, are gathering. There's some hope if they can adjust her pain medicine that she could go home to die, but I don't know yet.
The vigil will be over soon, as will her pain.
I just wanted to testify to the remarkable life (beginning in Japan, where she was the child of missionaries, and learned to paint from an old Japanese man, moving home to the states at 18) of a dear woman. She has an amazing ability to be present and create safety for those who are around her.
Thanks for listening,
Hops
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Praying for your friend.
(((((Hops)))))) ((((((Hugs Hop's Friend)))))))
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Peace my heart...
Peace, my heart, let the time for the parting be sweet.
Let it not be a death but completeness.
Let love melt into memory and pain into songs.
Let the flight through the sky end in the folding of the wings over the nest.
Let the last touch of your hands be gentle like the flower of the night.
Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a moment, and say your last words in silence.
I bow to you and hold up my lamp to light you on your way.
~Rabindranath Tagore
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(((((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((R)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Friends and family)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
This is something that is hard for me to deal with too. It is hard not to ask, "Why?" And I fear dying, I must admit. Someone told me once that their religion says that a person dies when he or she has become as good as he/she can be in life and have accomplished what they needed to accomplish. It's a nice though at any rate.
Take care of yourself and be glad that you could be such a great comfort to your friend.
Love, Beth
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Thanks, ((((MS))))
Write, thank you for taking the trouble to type that. It is so beautiful...I am thinking of sending it to R's partner.
Beth, I know what you mean. I was with my father for a long period as his night nurse every weekend for six months and then alll the time in the last few days of his life...I watched so closely. Cancer had made him skeletal, but he was a radiant person. The pain was controlled and I believe he found peace. I was holding his hand when he died, and alone with him. We had beautiful music playing. He released his last fears, and I remember telling him, trust, go toward the light, and it was as though even though he couldn't speak I could feel him agreeing, cooperating, showing he was going into the light. I will never forget the look of wonder on his face.
I know R's death will be similar. She will be surrounded by love and touched only by loving hands.
I'm not afraid of death. Not too keen on pain, but most of the time, there's good control. Morphine.
One thing about R. She brought so many people together. The church will be filled with singng, the local women's choir, a famous country singer who was her childhood friend, flowers and so many people who loved her. She will be, as you said Write, leaving such a legacy of beauty.
It's just hard that she is having to leave it all behind, at 54. She loved life so much, and made so much beauty from it. She was so eager to keep painting, wanted to so much. But it's her time and I believe she has accepted it.
I hope I'll have half her courage when the time comes.
Thanks, all, I feel your sympathetic hearts.
Hops
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HOPS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
PEACE BE MY HEART SO VERY MOVING
I saw the same look of wonder on my mothers face............
54 is very young (((((((((((((((((((((((((((HOPS FRIEND)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
M
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So very, very sorry Hops.
(((((Hops)))))
((((((R))))))))
PP
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((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))
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((((((((((R))))))))))
((((((((((R's partner))))))))))
((((((((((Hops))))))))))
((((((((((R's family, church, and other friends))))))))))
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(((((((((((((((((Hoppy))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Last night she told her family and her partner D that she wanted to sleep outside. So she spent her last night under the stars, next to her beautiful garden, with the silhouette of the mountain in view. This morning, she spent several hours on her patio. She was calm and lucid, saying goodbyes. The Hospice nurse said her bravery and her lucidity was amazing. Finally she rested, and died with D holding one hand and her father the other, and one of our minsters with them. She was surrounded until the end with the love of friends and family, in her beautiful home, with the sounds of nature.
What made me feel best was that one of her friends who spoke to her last on the phone told me that R told her, I am ready to go. I felt peace when I heard that.
I sure will miss her though. Thanks everyone for all your kindness, for someone you don't even know.
love,
Hops
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(((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are such a kind friend. What a lovely end to R's life, to be surrounded with love and beauty.
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"Here then at home, by no more storms distrest,
Folding laborious hands we sit, wings furled;
Here in close perfume lies the rose-leaf curled,
Here the sun stands and knows not east nor west,
Here no tide runs; we have come, last and best,
From the wide zone in dizzying circles hurled
To that still center where the spinning world
Sleeps on its axis, to the heart of rest."
--- Dorothy L. Sayers
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She died so peacefully. I'm so sorry for your loss Hops.
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HOPS What a lovely sweet passing
love and blessings
moonlight
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(((((((((((Hops)))))))))))
If only all lives ended with such love and beauty.
Live, Hops, live, and plan a wonderful end!
Thinking of you.
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Thanks everybody, much much.
Just took a quiche out and left it at the family's house, then stopped by R's house and D was there alone and distraught so it was good timing.
I feel wrung out. But okay.
(((((All))))
Hops
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(((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))
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((((((((((((((((((Moon, PP, Stormy, Adrift, Beth, H&H, Portia, TT, Really, MS))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thanks.
I have been sleeping soooooooooooooooo deeply, like I got decked with a sledgehammer.
Happy news on another thread.
love y'all,
Hops
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((Hoppy)))))))))))))))))))))))
So sorry for the loss of your dear friend. I'm glad she went peacefully and at her own home. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers that you will meet again.
Sela
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Thank you, Sela.
If premature death can ever be beautiful, hers was.
I wish you could all see what she spent her last morning gazing at, the mountainside in sunlight.
Hops
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I have been sleeping soooooooooooooooo deeply
it's amazing isn't it. D H Lawrence wrote
And if tonight my soul may find her peace
in sleep, and sink in good oblivion,
and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower
then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.
I wish you could all see what she spent her last morning gazing at, the mountainside in sunlight.
and that's a wonderful reminder- we can.
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Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
W. H. Auden
[for Hops' friend D., bereaved]
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Ahh, Storm.
Thank you so much for doing this...I will share it w/D.
Auden caught the BIGness of grief.
Hops
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"An Old-Fashioned Song"
-John Hollander
[<<Nous n'irons plus au bois>>, from an old French children's game]
No more walks in the wood:
The trees have all been cut
Down, and where once they stood
Not even a wagon rut
Appears along the path
Low brush is taking over.
No more walks in the wood;
This is the aftermath
Of afternoons in the clover
Fields where we once made love
Then wandered home together
Where the trees arched above,
Where we made our own weather
When branches were the sky.
Now they are gone for good,
And you, for ill, and I
Am only a passer-by.
We and the trees and the way
Back from the fields of play
Lasted as long as we could.
No more walks in the wood.
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It was a gorgeous service, about 300 people, friends of hers from many states, the Grammy singer's music and two local choruses, her art all over the sanctuary.
Everyone said such similar things, about how powerful R's presence was. Some of that came from growing up in Japan...an outsider's view of the culture and so many of our habits. She loved people without ever talking much about it, had an extraordinarily welcoming nature. One thing I said before I bawled my way through reading the poem was that I've never felt so accepted in my life.
Thank you for letting me share my grief here. I was so moved by this taciturn, forthright woman who lived so close to the land she loved, and painted...I wish I could share her paintings with you.
The service was a blessing. I could see how her father and brothers and so many relatives and friends were lifted, how everyone who knew and loved her were joined in gratitude for having been part of her life.
Hops
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Hi Storm,
I want to thank you for the Hollander too.
You have good taste in poetry! I really appreciate the trouble you took.
(Wanted to mention too I've removed my poem...it felt good to share it here but as with the one a while ago, I prefer not leaving it up. Folks who've been around a while will recall.)
I just broke my boycott-Woody-Allen-because-of-Soon-Yi pledge to see a movie with a friend.
He annoys me as much as ever, clever or not. But it was good to not be alone.
Hops
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hey hops, rats, ya took it down too soon. i caught it in the revised version while at work but can't post from there, and I wanted to look at it again tonight. Put it back? Pretty please?
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HI Storm,
I'll PM it to you (and anyone who likes).
love,
Hops
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Hi Hops
FINALLY got back here. Been up since oh-very-dark-hundred, took car to shop before work and self to shop after work.
Thanks for PMing your poem. I am going to chat about it out here in public in front of God and everybody, though. :P
I don't know all the terminology, so I'll paraphrase where I have to. This is one powerful poem, and powerfully crafted... I like the way you begin, "Eyes let in light." and then build upon that with one visual after another that R, the artist, has let in - let into the canvas, let into your mind's eye, let into your memories...
Gorgeous use of alliteration and internal rhyme - Let in light... eyes and light... leap at the knees of... trees... bales bent like bison... richly rough... chuckling at the cold... the words are like music here. Lovely....
and heartfelt, too. Is that hawk crying freedom far off the canvas her sharp-eyed soul now free to soar?
Beautiful, hops. just beautiful. Technically gorgeous, a feast for the logophile, and all held together with feeling that reaches off the page and shakes you.
Thanks for sharing this.
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Oh, Stormy. You got my faucet going again.
You got it. (Hawk...everything...I meant to convey.)
thank you so much for that deep reading.
You'll never know how much I appreciate it.
Hops