Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Emily on February 09, 2004, 04:37:33 PM
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Hi everyone,
I've posted a couple of times, and lurk alot. I feel like I know alot of you, but know that I have as yet to post my story. I guess I feel sort of scared to post it.
So many of you talk on this board about the continuing hits and confrontations you have w/ the Ns in your life. It's been sooo helpful to hear your stories, how you handle these clashes etc. As soon as any of my Nparents or Nin-laws are confronted they excommunicate us from their life. There are no e-mails, no phone calls, or threatening letters,...just silence...for weeks and months...nothing to their grandchildren, nothing to me or my husband. Unless you come crawling back and apologize, they won't make one move of their own.
Probably some of you would welcome that silence, and in some ways it's liberating for me too. But nothing?? This feels so controlling to me, and heartless.
Any thoughts?
Emily
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It's sadistic. They will contact you again when they need supplies. Until then, well....Just realize you did nothing wrong and distract yourself. You may find that you don't miss their antics very much.
bunny
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I used to think I had been "abandoned" and "disregarded" by my family, at the direction of my NQueenmother -- but then I realized that "abandoned" would mean that I was examined and a decision was made to leave me, but I was never included enough to be left, so that was not a correct term. "Disregarded" means that I would have been looked upon and a decision made that I was not important enough for regard, but I was never looked at, so I invented the word "unregarded" and almost named myself that on this board.
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Discounted Girl: you're held in high regard here (even if you don't ever look at your private messages!) How does Counted Girl sound? :D P
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I couldn't agree more D. girl. You need a more positive handle!
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What a doofus I am -- I wondered why I never got any messages, wondered how my invisible suit got online :P -- I had the wrong email address listed. I got it fixed now. :)
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bye
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Ah, Swan, that's nice -- how did you know I had a long neck ?? You weren't asking me to sing my song were you? :lol:
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Emily, you have it right -- they are heartless. My NQueenmother has not tried to directly contact me in almost 3 years. She has asked others to tell me that she wants to speak with me, to discuss certain things, but I have not made any efforts. The Queen has summoned me but I have ignored her. I don't want to be around her ever again. I don't wish anything bad on her, really down deep I don't, I just don't want her to get any more nourishment from me. She ate me alive for so long. Emily, N's never can get past their unrealistic sense of grandiose and importance. Respectful, loving children and those with compassionate hearts don't challenge them on their inappropriate actions of superiority (at least not for a while) -- others who are detached and those who are themselves N's or partial N's trick the N's into thinking they adore them and allow a sort of pseudo food-fest from time to time, aimed at personal gains. If you're not "involved," then it can't hurt can it? If your parents are N's, they don't experience the heartache and sorrow that non-contact with a child should bring. You don't need them, but you feel like you do. All little girls need their mommas. I don't know what to say to help you except this -- be very careful in the amount, type and quality of the contact your children have with your Nparents. Monitor everything and don't put anything past them. It's almost impossible for people who have not been victimized by N's to even begin to understand. I swear to you, if you cover it up as I did, your children will not be aware and when their grandparents' Nfaces are unmasked they will not know how to handle it.
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bye
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Just something that crosses my mind: they know that by not calling they are hurting you. It's a form of having power, I believe.
I have had only few contacts with my Nmother last years, and I falsely believed I was detached and problems were getting solved. I didn't know yet she was N and I was still blaming myself and feeling guilty and not understanding anything like an idiot. And suffering of course, like all of you.
I believe it's only after going through a long way of understanding and restoring boundaries, that it will only hurt you less if they call or don't call randomly. It's the last weapon they have when you've run away: pretend as if it were their choice to ignore you. And hurt you from the other side of the globe like that. And seduce you to expose yourself again, pushing your newly constructed shaky boundary inward again.
They need raw flesh to scar or something ?!?
It might be that it's the only kind of extra hurts we can't protect ourselves against, after we finally unmasked reality and Nmother and saw the horror they really were.
Happily there's lots of other people to find that we will enjoy when they call, and that will respect these feelings.
Thank you all so much for the warmth.
Courage and love to all of you beautiful souls. I very recently discovered some love in me for the first time, and i'll want to send it to you all the first.
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How about this thought: if everybody knew it were the end of the world next week, I'll bet they would call before that.
So it's maybe a fake cut-off, and all by all a covert and coward form of attacking your weak boundaries again.
I think they shouldn't steal the cut-off from you (like it was not your cut-off, it was their idea).
Hmm. It's all so complicated. Still trying to figure out all this stuff.
This place and your posts sure help a lot.
Thanks again
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bye
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Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies, you've definitely given me some food for thought!
Portia, you're right, I do cease to exist,...I'm having a hard time accepting that reality...but if I'm honest I've denied this pattern for a long time. I used to tell myself that they just didn't have any support to give,..that was just theirway,...blah blahblah,..I let them get away with alot of hurtful stuff because it was so important this idea of having an extended family(to me). I could just sit and cry for a long time about how much time I've wasted trying to make it pretty when it just wasn't. My parents don't miss or consider me, so why did I think they'd give a hoot about their grandchildren? But I did,...I just kept trying to get it right. When I was going through a really tough spot w/ a teenage son, and couldn't host or even think about company for the holidays(like I always do)...they simply dropped us. No calls, no Xmas card, no nothing,...then a few months later, it's like nothing everhappened. Consider me?..forget it.
Discounted Girl, you've made me think alot about the idea of being "seen"(or not). Of all the members of my extended family, I seem to have come up with the reputation of the one "who clashes" most. I am really a problem, because I will fight my way out of the corners they try to put me in, and I say NO. So I'm shunned. I've got too much to say, and they don't want to hear it. I've allowed my King Nbrother(who has no kids) to jerk me and my kids around,..I've watched as my awful parents just say no to young grandchildren's requests..like,..can you come to my soccer game?(because it happens to overlap with their 1 or 2 short visits per year), I was there when my father reamed out my 11 year in front of company in My home at aholiday dinner. This latest stunt was the last I have heard from him, since I told him to shut-up or get out. You are so right DG, that kids will be shocked and not know how to handle it..my 11yo looked like a deer caught in headlights. Never again, and you're right I don't need them.
Phoenix,yes andyes,...the years I could have spent making a life of my own,..wow! My life is half over too, but unlike you, I can' t stay away from these boards,...they are a lifeline, sometimes the only one I have and though I haven't contributed much yet, I take away something I can't put a $$tag on. My illusions are shattering with force right now, and I'm getting even more mouthy, especially with my sister who has taken a neutral (read superior) position. Her position is that they're old and they ARE our parents and did the best they could. But then, she lives thousands of miles away, and has a phone relationship with everyone. The ole geographical cut-off. I loved all these people so selflessly, I provided holidays and family get-togethers for years, but it doesn't count for anything.
pp, you know, they just don't contact me! they just cut-off their ususal birthday checks, oh and yes a magazine subscription my mother had been sending me for the past 5-6 years without a word. Granted I haven't called as much since the holiday (11yo)incident, but they haven't called at all, and the actions are taken without a word of discussion or?
The reason for the cut-off on my part anyway, is that there's been no apology. There's no way he's having any more contact with these kids without one, and I don't expect one. At the time that this incident happened, while I was in the midst of shouting him down, I turned to my mother and said"This is ok with you?"???!!! She said no, but was definitely cowed as usual. But even she hasn't called to talk w/me about it, and it's been over a year. Sometimes I really worry about her, but latelyI just can't get past the feeling that her silence is condoning. How can she not stand up for a kid?her grandson?? The uncomfortable looming truth is that he has a strangle-hold on her.
Thank-you for the part about "successful life strategies. That was a wake-up call for me, because, I AM suffering, and I know that these 4 boys know it. The whole piece about raising boys(teens-some) and the flying testosterone levels, and aggresion and power,...whew, I never really thought about that angle or "attraction" before. Thanks for sharing!
I try to keep these 2 younger boys (11&14) pretty busy, and as I have homeschooled them for 6 years, we have so many great friends in that community for which I am forever grateful. We've come through so much, but I know all of my sons will carry this with them. And I haven't even told you about my husband's family!!#?* Maybe I'll save that for another day. :shock:
Thanks everyone for listeningand sharing
Emily
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Phoenix said "The impossiblity of ever getting what you want from these people, that you can be bleeding in the streets and they'll step right over you, and go their merry way, this was so hard to accept after investing years of trying to be seen and heard. To realize that it has been in total vain. And half my life is over. The years I could have spent on building a life all for myself was spent pursuing an illusion. And it wasn't because I was stupid. It was because I loved them selflessly, and didn't understand that the definiton of love in their dictionary was limited to money, appearance, and prestige."
AMEN ON THAT!