Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: eyesopened on August 06, 2006, 10:22:55 PM
-
After a three year relationship, I have just come to realize I am involved with a narcissist. I've been told by friends to run for the hills, but obviously it's easier said than done. Just wondering if this is the correct forum to discuss this.
-
We'd love to hear some details and then maybe someone here will have some experience to share with you. It's hard to tell from your letter what you've been through.
Glad you found the site.
Beth
-
This is the right place - you'll be heard and understood here, and some people have not only escaped narcissistic relationships, but have found new loves who love them back!
So there are people who can encourage you from a solid base of experience.
Welcome, eyesopened. Tell us your story as you feel led to share.
-
Hi beth, long time no see. Start a thread, catch us up?
-
I met this man about three years ago when he was going thru and extremely trying time in his life. I work in a social work type position and of course tried to help. He pursued me until I caught him, there was a brief whirlwind, that was quite enjoyable but quickly became confusing, verbally abusive, controlling, and knocked the wind out of my otherwise normal and serene life. I stayed away from friends and everyone said I was no longer the same person. My work suffered, but I muddled along in my confused state. Whenever I got to the point I was ready to leave the "old" personality would return.
I should add, he is extremely close to his mother (an only child/54 years old), but has a love/hate relationship. He was affectionate at first, but now refuses any intimacy other than a perfunctionary hug and kiss hello. He actually is much more affectionate with ANYONE else besides me.he resents the fact that I am self supporting and have a close family. He has tried to get me to leave everyone, but of course not by words and if I did, it would be my idea.
I think this will give you the general idea, be glad to fill you in on anything else. thanks
-
Hi again eyes,
It sounds like you are catching this dangerous cycle early on... And truly, this is the type of relationship which can turn hazardous. Please don't allow him to isolate you. You should be so proud that you recognized that he is doing this now.
Have you been in this type of relationship before? Why are you reluctant to get out?
R/Beth
-
oh, there are definite abusive 'tells' in this... the high-speed 'courtship', the antagonism towards mom, with enmeshment, the business of isolating you from family and friends, and the 'ricochet' transaction of making sure you see how much nicer he is to everyone, anyone, other than you.
have you ever heard of Patricia Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship? It's really about the whole spectrum of abuse, verbal emotional and physical - there's some info about it at this link: http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3/index.php?topic=1620.0 . She captures these things and more.
Important thing: Do Not Blame Yourself; narcissistic and abusive lovers are incredibly talented at pushing the buttons and setting the hook. Another important thing: Do Not Isolate... your relationships are your lifelines...
I don't mean to 'poke a book at you and run', I do apologize for that. I have to get up in 7 hours, so I have to go to bed very soon - but I wanted to give you something that might be helpful. Others will be here soon, if they aren't already posting to you even as I type!
Hang in there.
On edit: hi beth, we cross-posted. Yeah, the isolation is key.
-
I was interested in your comment about the richochet transaction, I've never heard of that. Yes, I have been in a 27 year marriage that was similar, but not quite as intense. I suppose I just got use to it. My father also was a very unemotional man (I know, trying to win the love of someone not capable of giving it) and he was my only parent as my mother died when I was 5. What's more interesting is my marriage had been without physical relations for over 10 years, after only being intimate twice he decides we should remain on a friendship level. I know there is no one else, as his friends say I am the first person he's been with in over fifteen years. I thought this was an accomplishment at first, now believe I was the only one dumb enough to stick around and take it. I will certainly look into the book, I've been researching as much as possible. Thanks
-
Hello eyesopened,
If you believe you have been involved with a narcissist, then you are in the right place. Yes. Running for the hills is much easier said than done. However, if there are people around you who are seeing danger signs, please take heed.
ANS
-
Welcome eyesopened,
You have likely found the right place to find kindred spirits who have experienced and ultimately gotten out of n relationships. He has sent up many red flags and good for you to be seeing them before its too late. The inability for intimacy--both in this relationship and your marriage--is a key ingredient to nism. The fact that this man can show affection to others is because they are unavailable to him. N's can only be affectionate with those who they can't actually attach to, hence their often preoccupation with pornography and masturbation.
The others have offered good advice regarding not letting him detach you from friends and family. There are many good resources offered on this site as well. Share more of your story as you feel comfortable. There are many here who can relate.
Hugs,
Brigid
-
Hi again eyes,
So I guess it's time to get rid of this guy and for you to take a look at YOURSELF and what is good for you. You are going to live exactly ONCE. Do you want to be in a miserable sort of relationship for the one chance you get?????????? You have had all the experience now to see what you DON'T want from now on :)
I am also one of those people that used to like guys because they were "different." Oooh la la, I was able to "change" the guy. Except I didn't change him. ortunately for me, I didn't linger in the relationships. I don't know why I didn't, but gosh, am I grateful.
Keep us updated!!!!! You deserve some happiness and real love now!!!
Love, Beth
-
Welcome to the group, Eyes.
What you've described so far is very similar to the situation I experienced in my 3 year marriage to a man with NPD.
You said, He pursued me until I caught him
Yes, that's the set up.
That love-hate relationship he has with his mother is, from my experience, as good as it gets with N. I always felt that he wanted me to be the mommy his own mother never was. I might have been, if he had ever stopped punishing her through me long enough to give me a chance. I don't think there's a human being alive who can make you feel sorrier for him than an N. Trouble is, he's a bottomless pit for all your sympathy and empathy and never gives anything back. I hope you'll share more when you can.
Love,
Hope
-
I think I was just ashamed at first to admit that I allowed myself to get into a situation and not be willing to just leave. As you have all said, he knows the buttons to push and knows my lack of self esteem.My ex boss told me that I was terrific in everything but relationships. He felt I wouldn't give anyone a chance that really liked me (who would want to be a member of a club that would have me?)
I have noticed the relationship cycles. Every year in June he disappears, as that is the anniversary mark of when we met. Then it gradually gets back into a comfortable weekend thing. I always go to his house as he doesn't like my family and truthfully I want to spare them of the drama.Most people believe we are a couple or married (if they don't know us) we sleep together, but have no physical contact. I am not allowed to discuss any subject that is too deep. He once told me we could have a relationship as long as there was no talk of love or romance.
What's really funny, he can see how everyone else takes advantage of me (whether real or not), but doesn't see what he does, We are just now coming out of the punishing period. He is somewhat angry though, because I went back east to a class reunion. After I returned, he described our relationship like Rose and Jack on the Titanic, he'll die and I'll go on and have a good life. Bear in mind, we only have a relationship when it's convenient to him, otherwise we are "just friends". It's whatever he wants it to be at the moment.
I am currently in counseling and working on myself. I can't change him, but maybe I can get strong enough to break this cycle.
-
Hi eyes,
You are so right. You can't change him, but you can change your reaction to him. Frankly, the change I would make is dumping him so fast his head would spin. You are a person who deserves respect... from others... AND FROM YOURSELF. You are not showing any respect for yourself by staying in this one-sided "relationship." I know you know that...
Why are you staying? Do you not want to have to tell people that you "broke up." You know, you don't have to tell them anything... just say it wasn't working out. That is the truth and no one else needs any details. Then you can work on yourself.
Take care eyes.
Love, Beth
-
After a three year relationship, I have just come to realize I am involved with a narcissist. I've been told by friends to run for the hills, but obviously it's easier said than done. Just wondering if this is the correct forum to discuss this.
Oh, yes! This is definitely the right place to discuss dealing with an Nperson!
Bones
-
Hi again, Eyes,
It sounds like in a way, he's offered you an opportunity to live a sort of dual existence yourself... always going to his place, being someone different when you're with him. That's how it was for me, in many ways. N did bring out some positive portions of me that I'd never "actualized" before. The problem was, he had me deluded into thinking I couldn't have those qualities without him, as though he'd given them to me. The truth is, they were there in me all along and had nothing to do with him, except to the extent that he reflected them back to me. I just wanted to say that it's ok to acknowledge all of those parts of yourself together in one place, you, and not have them split into two or more frames of reference. I mean, you are still completely you wherever you are, no matter who else is involved or with whom you're relating. Not sure this is making any sense, but I think it will become more clear to you through your counseling and then maybe you can explain it to me :) hehe Not always so simple to verbalize. Anyhow, wishing you the best! You are going to come through this well and whole, I am confident.
Love,
Hope
P.S. BONES !! How's it going?? Last I heard, you'd just finished 3 big papers and were taking a break... what's new?
Love, Hope
-
Hi eyesopened! Just want to welcome you to the board. I have to run back to work, and haven't had time to read through all the posts on this thread, but wanted to say hello. Talk to you later, and congratulations on allowing yourself to receive the support you need.
Blessings,
Demian,
~DreamSinger
-
Hi again, Eyes,
It sounds like in a way, he's offered you an opportunity to live a sort of dual existence yourself... always going to his place, being someone different when you're with him. That's how it was for me, in many ways. N did bring out some positive portions of me that I'd never "actualized" before. The problem was, he had me deluded into thinking I couldn't have those qualities without him, as though he'd given them to me. The truth is, they were there in me all along and had nothing to do with him, except to the extent that he reflected them back to me. I just wanted to say that it's ok to acknowledge all of those parts of yourself together in one place, you, and not have them split into two or more frames of reference. I mean, you are still completely you wherever you are, no matter who else is involved or with whom you're relating. Not sure this is making any sense, but I think it will become more clear to you through your counseling and then maybe you can explain it to me :) hehe Not always so simple to verbalize. Anyhow, wishing you the best! You are going to come through this well and whole, I am confident.
Love,
Hope
P.S. BONES !! How's it going?? Last I heard, you'd just finished 3 big papers and were taking a break... what's new?
Love, Hope
I'm still working on the three papers. I'll be so glad when I pass this course.
Bones
-
Hi, Bones,
Sorry about that... I was thinkin you were done and on break about now. Soon, I hope!
Our children go back to school on Monday, so we'll all be in homework mode soon enough... especially with daughter (10th grade) taking chemistry and plane geometry. I can hardly wait :? Hope you have a wonderful and peaceful weekend, Bones.
With love,
Hope
-
Hi, Bones,
Sorry about that... I was thinkin you were done and on break about now. Soon, I hope!
Our children go back to school on Monday, so we'll all be in homework mode soon enough... especially with daughter (10th grade) taking chemistry and plane geometry. I can hardly wait :? Hope you have a wonderful and peaceful weekend, Bones.
With love,
Hope
Thanks, Hope!
I can't wait to pass this course!!!!
Bones
-
Why are you staying? Do you not want to have to tell people that you "broke up." You know, you don't have to tell them anything... just say it wasn't working out. That is the truth and no one else needs any details. Then you can work on yourself.
Take care eyes.
Love, Beth
Hey Eyes Opened,
Actually, since everyone seems to know what a jerk he is and have been telling you to run for the hills, I'd be tempted to hire a plane to drag a sign across the sky saying "I finally did it!!!" And then throw myself a party.
I don't mean to make light of your situation, but I know what it's like to be with someone who puts a controlling damper on what you can discuss and feel, and it is one of the most oppressive situations to be in. If I wasn't cheerful enough, (after seeing other women behind my back and leaving me), then he wasn't going to grace me with his occasional visits anymore. If I was too happy, because he actually spent a special time with me, then whoa! Better back off there, girl. Your happiness is a kind of heavy thing to carry.
So I started to edit what I was feeling, careful to not be too down when he was around or too up. It's not a matter of just watching what you say or keeping an eye on your emotions. You start to numb yourself out. You deaden all your emotions...and not just around his company. You can't just pick and choose...okay, I'll feel with depth here and I'll be numb here. This numbing out will creep into every other aspect of your life, until there's nothing left of you.
If you can't have your thoughts, if you can't have your feelings, what do you have?
Your thoughts and feelings are you. He's not censoring topics of conversation. He's censoring your humanness.
Oh, and by the way...he's no Jack. Jack would have wanted Rose to do just what she did, because he loved her and wanted the best for her with or without him. He encouraged her to live, to be true to her authentic passions. Does this sound like your guy?
And, please, don't feel ashamed you "got yourself into this". Many very smart, kind and sensitive people have found themselves in some of the most abusive relationships with narcissistic people. They don't target shallow, stupid, unfeeling people. That would be like hanging out with themselves. They need good people to make themselves feel better by association, and so they can have a high starting point from which to tear you down. Now, that would be an accomplishment and verification that they are superior, after all.
Demian,
~DreamSinger
-
Hello AND Big Welcome to Dream and,Eyes and Bones,
I HAD SURGERY AND WAS ON SOME PAIN PILLS THAT HAD ME FLYIN.................................
So now that I have landed a big warm welcome.....................
LOVE TO ALL :D :D :D
MoonLight
-
And, please, don't feel ashamed you "got yourself into this". Many very smart, kind and sensitive people have found themselves in some of the most abusive relationships with narcissistic people. They don't target shallow, stupid, unfeeling people. That would be like hanging out with themselves. They need good people to make themselves feel better by association, and so they can have a high starting point from which to tear you down. Now, that would be an accomplishment and verification that they are superior, after all.
I love that--it would be like hanging out with themselves :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: !
I have noticed that Ns very much dislike anybody who reminds them too much of themselves. Probably most of us dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves. Ns are probably no different in this. When I think of the people I work with who seem to have serious character flaws and then realized those are the very people my N friend seems almost repulsed by--that seems telling to me.
They also tear down those who are talented enough to be a "threat". They cannot handle direct competition. An N I worked for targeted any direct competition and would make the work day miserable enough for that person to cause them to leave. Time and time again that happened. There could be no threats to her "empire".
PP
-
Hello AND Big Welcome to Dream and,Eyes and Bones,
I HAD SURGERY AND WAS ON SOME PAIN PILLS THAT HAD ME FLYIN.................................
So now that I have landed a big warm welcome.....................
LOVE TO ALL :D :D :D
MoonLight
Thanks, Moon!
Bones