Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on August 25, 2006, 01:23:14 PM
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I grew up in a family with narcissists and narcissistic traits and later married someone with borderline personality disorder. Since me husband's death 5 years ago I have experienced one horror after another and have become psychologically paralyzed. I am ground to a halt when it comes to actions - basic, necessary actions such as paying bills, cleaning up, earning an income. But in the past couple of months I have identified the crippling force - nihilistic shame!!! and am now in the process of overcoming the wretchedness. I am looking to talk to others who have dealt with or are dealing with or have compassion for dealing with similar experiences.
I need encouragement! I have worked out a fairly detailed method utilizing positive thoughts and imagination. Coming from narcissists on both sides of my family and having married a borderline, I have NOONE to turn to for encouragement. Is anyone interested in taking this journey with me? It promises to be one of high positive energy - identifying the horrors of the past that grip me still and converting that darkness into positive, uplifting, freeing energy.
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Welcome, Gaining Strength,
I've never heard it called nihilistic shame, but I think that's a good description of the effects of dealing intimately with a disordered personality, particularly those who are extreme narcissists and bpd. (For a short while, I thought that my ex husband was bpd... but then I saw the criteria for npd and knew better.) I guess you could say that I was nearly annhilated.
Your level of exuberance to tackle the journey of recovery is awesome :) I'm a bit intimidated by such a high level of energy and not sure that I can match it, but I'm present and accounted for, and looking forward to reading more of your posts as you're able to share. Again, welcome.
Hope
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Hello GS! You sound so dynamic! I KNOW you can do this! Count me in!
Feel free to vent, give long historical narratives, ask for unconditional support, ask questions and even repeat yourself. I am going to be reading and giving what advice I am capable of. And all the support I can. You go!
Plucky
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I love your ID, "certain hope". That's a perfect phrase to describe the road to wholeness. I will keep that as a thought of faith.
I used the phrase "nihilistic shame" because my experience growing up under my father was complete nihilism. That must be a common thread among children of narcissists. But the ultimate crippling factor in my life, finally revealed to me in recent months, was the shame projected onto me by my father, my mother and my older siblings. I am hoping to find that someone else may have experienced something similar. Everything about being related to narcissists is alienating to me. I have not met others who have a clue of what it has been like, including my brothers because their role in our family necessitated accepting the line that the "problem" was me. Besides I have come to believe that one of my brothers is a narcissist like our father.
My father came from a prominent, wealthy family which he lorded over us - as though his family was better than ours - his own children's. How bizarre is that! Of course his family would be my family as well. (A couple of years ago my father's second wife had given me several boxes of beautifully framed family photographs. A few months later my father asked me for a particular picture. He came by my home - for the first time since my husband had died four years earlier - to get a photo and walked out with all four boxes saying as he went, "these are photos of MY family." As though I weren't related to his parent, grandparents, etc.) He simply does not see me or my child (whom I named for him) as related to his parents, grandparents, cousins, et.al. This is just one small way that I did not exist to him, one small sample of the nihilist part of being his child.
However, the way I have existed for him, is to carry his shame. He has no shame. When he experienced something that would be shaming rather than feel it he would simply immediately project it off of himself onto me. I carried it, I owned it, his and my brothers as well. Toxic shame, in and of itself, is annihilating. It says that the person, as opposed to an act, is bad. For my father, I became "the bad thing" on which he could place all his unbearable feelings. From a toddler on he expected me to get things right the first time - no learning curve allowed. When I was six, he took my brothers and me target practicing with a Colt 45. My turn came last so my ears were already ringing when I picked up the pistol. I was frightened to fire it but more frightened to not. The trigger was hard to squeeze and pistol heavy for my little arms. When I fired it the kick was so great that my arm jerked back over my head and pulled me backward to the ground. The gun, in my hand, slammed into the ground pointing uphill directly toward my brothers. I was terrified and traumatized and my father was ballistic. I was punished severely for committing such a horrifically dangerous act. Punished severely because I was not big enough, strong enough to handle a .45 pistol, because I had not wanted to shoot it. Punished because he had used poor judgment in forcing me to do something I was not capable of doing. Because he took on no shame for his mistake, he projected his shame onto me and punished me severely. This wasn't the first and wasn't the last but was one of the most dangerous examples. That is for me "nihilistic shame." I did not exist except to hold my father's shame.
Can anyone relate to my experiences?
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Plucky - thank you. I'm thrilled to have ears to talk to. Look forward to getting to know you.
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Thank you Jac,
I've never heard that a scapegoat is often the healthiest in a dysfunctional family but I get it. It makes sense to me. One of the ironies of my experience is that over and over I tried to get the very people who were projecting their flaws onto me to tell me that I really wasn't the person they were saying I was. Now, isn't that crazy.
Thanks for walking with me. I am enjoying talking the same language with my fellow travelers.
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Hi Gaining Strength,
Thank you for the compliment on my name here. It comes from the Bible verse in Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
When I first sought recovery, I thought that I was suffering mainly from the effects of three years' marriage to a man with NPD. It's only been very recently that I've recognized the existence of lifelong patterns which allowed me to get involved with him in the first place.
GS, from some of my recent reading, I'm seeing the difference between behavior which is narcissistic and that which is more in the realm of the psycopath. From what you describe of your father, he sounds like alot more than a garden variety N.
I can relate to what you say from the perspective of an adult who was used by my ex husband as a vessel to contain his shame, but I endured nothing so severe as a child. I am sorry that you experienced this and can only try to imagine. Mostly I'm very thankful and glad for you that you're now able to see what was going on in your family. My ex husband tried to play this game with my children (his step children), particularly with my son, who was just 5 when we married. Well, he tried with my daughters, as well, but they were older and wise to him. One example I can think of involved stormy weather headed our way when we were out in a wilderness area, quite a ways from our vehicle. My little boy was aware of the threat of severe weather and suggested that we begin heading for shelter. I agreed and began to pick up our belongings to begin the walk. Ex dawdled and puttered and groused and lingered... so the kids and I began walking... and I heard ex at the end of the line, quietly telling my son how stupid and weak he was to be frightened by a little lightning and bad weather. He was whispering, but I heard him. He sounded just like a snake hissing and I knew then that he would not hesitate to tear my son apart at the seams if it made him feel better. I tried to talk with him about this later and you know... I can't even recall what he said, only that it went round and round and wound up being all my fault. Nothing new there. I almost, almost settled for shouldering all the blame for everything that was wrong in our home. Why? My parents never did anything dramatically abusive to me at all, yet I had become an ideal target for this predator. I think it's because I had this warped view of grace, along with what it means to put others first. Now I hold truth as the standard and whether it hurts or not, I want to uphold that truth and not settle for anybody's tools of projection, transference, rationalization, or twisting of it... including my own. So yeah, I guess I am on this same journey with you. Feeling a bit worn and frazzled, but still marching. And you know... when I see high energy, I guess I often think it's driven by anger. I don't want to return to that place of wrath, so I think that's why I responded to you as I did the first time. Some more of my own projection, I suppose.
Glad you're here and gaining strength :)
Blessings,
Hope
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Boy! I don't know where to start. Thank you for your marvelous conversation, your helpful, informative replies. I feel as though I have just arrived at an oasis after traveling in the wilderness alone for years. And I plan to stay long and drink deeply before I venture far again.
Jac, what a powerful entry. I am looking forward to reading the thread you mentioned. Many years ago I read Alice Miller but I don't recall reading,
". . .The establishment of the actual historicity of trauma is particularly necessary with child abuse. Child abuse is a trauma uniquely characterized by the falsification of reality; it has invariably occurred secretly, in family systems that deny its very existence. Survivors of other forms of malignant trauma, such as war or violent crime, all received the profound support of consensual validation from survivor cohorts and the larger culture. The child abuse survivor. . . has been robbed of reality and of history; cure requires its restoration. (p.42)"
This excerpt really jolts me. It rings true to what I have come to understand and what has been an enormous block from healing. I have not been able to find that validation. What I found from family and friends was repudiation of my experience, not just denial but excoriating condemning denial often in the form of belittlement for even suggesting my perspective. So when I received validation from my therapist I really discounted it because, as my husband was quick to point out, I paid him to agree with me. Why wouldn't he, the therapist, go along with whatever I said? It is such a doubl bind that even as I write I catch myself caught in the whirlwind of the twisted logic.
Thank you Jac for your powerful iteration of the absolute necessity of validation. Dealing with narcissists is in it very nature, alienating and marginalizing. My life has taken me down such a wrechedly lonely path and I think this issue of validation is the key to unlock this whole issue for me. I can't help but laugh to myself that only a few short months ago I was so critical of myself for needing, longing for, feeling trapped without someone to validate my struggles. Jac your comments on validation are changing my journey. They are opening up a tunnel through the mountains, saving me another lonely trek over the summit. Thanks.
Certain Hope - of course your name comes from Heb. 11:1!. that's one of my favorite verses. One that I am relying on heavily on my journey toward wholeness. As Wayne Dyar refers to, "writing from end". I see myself in wholeness even though my life is not yet there. I hold my wellness in faith until I have it by sight.
Thanks for explaining your reaction to "high energy". I understand you reaction to andger and rage. I confess that I have been guilty of both for a long time but overcoming uncontrolable anger was an early step toward healing. But anger, along with fear, shame are related emotions are really low energy emotions. They are dark and depressing. High energy emotions are love (the highest), joy, compassion, etc. Once I began to let go of being anger, recognizing that most of it was an expression of fear or not having control then I moved into experiencing my fear and shame. My anger was a mask of these two horrible feelings. Anger feels better than fear and shame. It feels more powerful but in truth it is only a mask of them. But I have applied an eastern concept about the energy of specific emotions to counter the fear and am now using it to counter the shame. When I am aware of the fear I counter it with a high energy thought. Specifically I use the verse, "I did not give you a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind." I simply repeat that verse to myself over and over until th fear is conquered. I think of it as retraining my brain to function out of love rather than fear. I cannot tell you how remarkable this is. I have seen tangible effects in my day to day life. Nothing short of miraculous to me. So that's a long explaination of what I meant by "high" energy - the very opposite of rage. Thanks for your thoughts.
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Jac - where is the Denial of History thread? I don't see it.
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Hi GS,
It's on page 2, 5th one down...see it?
(And welcome. Taking me a while to take in your story, but I'm glad you're here.)
Hopalong
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Thanks Hopalong - I see it.
"Taking me a while to take in your story, "
I acknowledge that my writing is not especially clear. I think it is reflective of the twists and turns my poor thoughts have to take to get out of my scrambled mind.
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Hi again, Gaining Strength,
But anger, along with fear, shame are related emotions are really low energy emotions
I really never looked at it that way, but yes, of course you are right! I do understand the role of anger as a mask for fear and shame, the emotions of painful emptiness.
That passage about being given a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind is one of my very favorites! Also Philippians 4:8 ~
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.
Excellent material for meditation there. Retraining the brain... renewing the mind... casting out vain imaginations. Yup.. we're on the same course. Thank you so much for explaining the whole "high energy" thing... it helps alot. Maybe I recoiled from it a bit yesterday simply because I was feeling so tired and drained at the time, but today is a new day :)
Again, I'm so glad you're here.
With love,
Hope
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Thanks so much Certain Hope.
I am so glad to be here and thankful to find you, Jac, Moon et.al. Truly an answer to my prayers, a confirmation that I am on the right path and that I am coming close to walking in wholeness. I've been looking for this home for a long time.
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Thanks Lupine,
My little boy and I spent the night with my mother. My house is in shambles and presently has no air conditioning. After breakfast I must go home and once again face the horrendous mess. It is just unbearable oppressive. My utter powerlessness over it comes out of shame and induces shame. The loneliness of dealing with it is shaming. the length of time I have endured in it is shaming. And there are tendrills that I cannot access that also sting of shame.
I am convinced that the only way to break through is by fighting this dark monster is with positive force. By believing I will break through and step by step doing it. I know that there is some prfound shaming involved keeping me locked in this prison something extraordinarily painful but I cannot get to it. All I know is that as I begin to make order in my home the experience of shame is overpowering me. And day after day I set out to tackle this situation and come up empty. One day I will get there. But I am so glad that there is a cyberspace where I can tell someone about this gripping, paralyzing experience of fear and shame that cripples me in the most mundame activities of life. Thanks
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Dear Gaining Strength,
I would echo what Moon said about children being the force which gives you the strength to move through the pain and shame and guilt and blaming. In the short term it may be the only impetus you have for getting better and healing, but eventually you will realize that you are doing it for you, too--and that you deserve it.
Now that my youngest is leaving to start college on Wednesday and she and my son are happy, healthy, smart, productive young people, I can take so much pride in that and know that whatever I did, it must have pretty much been the right thing. They are proud of me too. I have been a good example to them of someone who has survived a major life crisis and gotten my life back on track, but never lost sight of my job as their mom.
Be kind to yourself and take all the time you need. Don't consider everything which needs to be done, but look at small pieces and only do what you can manage. We only have so much energy to give to other projects while healing. The time will come when it becomes easier, but for now just do what you can do and leave the rest--there is no shame in that.
Hugs,
Brigid
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Moonlight and Brigid,
Thank you for your encouragement. I am taking the positive energy from your words and add it to my armor as I go to fight my ancient personal battle.
Finding this place has been like walking lost, alone and lonely through an eerie forest for days when suddenly the ancient trees begin to speak and tell me the way The voices may have always been there but suddenly I am able to hear them.
My journey and my battle is quite internal. I have to open up my heart to let these wretched voices of doom and criticism come to the surface so that I can then surplant them with your words of encouragement. I have for so long honored and valued the voices of superiority and contempt that were my parents' that words of kindness and caring have seemed weak and valueless. So part of my journey is changing that value system and acknowledging the superior power of love.
I am on the cusp of wholeness. It is a psychological razor's edge. But I will continue to seek and to harness the encouragement I receive here. Thank you beyond words for your healing kindness.
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Dear GS,
I understand at least a bit what you are describing. I know that every time I feel overwhelmed I have to battle the urge to give up. I know that emotional stress can disable a person just as much as an injury or disease. The disorder in my own life is not quite as extreme but when I stop functioning and yield to a similar parlysis, it is shame-based also. But I didn't realize that until I read Lupine, You, Brigid and Moon just now.
I think part of my shame is loneliness. I feel so isolated at times that I act out a desire to disappear. IOW, if I don't pay my bills or hang up my clothes, noone will ever know. My Nmom is downstairs, but on this floor, noone ever visits (it is just too awkward). Anyway, I am feeling a lot of compassion for you as you face your house today. A lot. After church I need to come back here and deal with what feels to me like Mt. Everest.
I was trying to imagine if there were any small things I could toss out, that I would imagine for you, to send you some practical support. These may make no sense but they keep popping up, so here is some "play advice" ("play" because I can only try to imagine the mountain you face). But it does sound as though it's become very physical, so I was trying to think of what might help you do one piece:
Here, just pretending I can visualize you going into the space, two off-the-wall ideas:
--take a Walkman if you have one and put music such as Handel's Joshua or something that is deeply inspiring...something massive and symphonic, something that sounds very big and very very beautiful.
If you have no portable stereo with headphones, find something as close as you can on the radio.
--take ordinary masking tape or painters' tape with you. Go into a room you need most, and tape off a four-foot-square section. You can run the tape right over clothing, pots, piles, boxes, any sort of chaos at all. That's it.
Do only that section today. Discard, put on the curb, put into bags to give away.
Do another section tomorrow morning. But no more. See how it goes...
Forgive me if it's nonsense but it was just how I visualized you might be able to reclaim your home.
Just take it back a four-foot-square at a time. With music.
What do you think?
Good Sunday,
Hops
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I got it Hops.
I've got to keep my focus. Pick one thing, tackle it and move on that way.
Keeping focus is key. As I start in any direcion I encounter a tangled mess and get stumped or th tangle gloms over into another mess ad infinitum and whap. I'm paralyzed again. But I get it. As I experience this process I am going to let each encounter with paralysis set me back at square one - as many times as it takes to get square one tackled. And then I can move on to square two. So I got it. Today's square is not a physical square in my house but it will be planning and executing meals.
I got it. Hops. Your suggestions and not new to me but timely. I don't have that particular music but I will get it or something like it. I have read in many sources that inspiring, uplifting music can change the whole environmental energy. Great suggestion. I'll report back - a little accountability helps me.
Thanks - Gaining
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GS--
You're welcome!
(I'm offering only what I most urgently need to do too.)
I'm afraid to make promises but I have hopes we'll both soon be able to report at least one step taken.
It really is a one day, one chore, one step at a time thing, I think.
After I stop distracting myself, one day soon I'll start another thread on procrastination.
I think it has a lot of meaning we've looked at briefly here, would be a great topic to dig into.
good luck...won't distract you more for now!
Hops
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OK, Hops,
One step taken!!!! It took 24 hours but that is a blink in contrast to other possibilities.
Thank you for your words. They were more help than you can EVER know. Just responding and giving me someone to report to help get my first step done.
I put down figurative tape around my sink and got a load put into the dishwasher. Then get the vacuum out and ready to use before I pick up from kindergarden.
May I report my next progress?
definitely Gaining Strenght.
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GS,
BRAVO!
I absolutely totally understand what a HUGE step that was and yes, ma'am, you can report your next one. I don't care if it's just emptying the trash. There is no "just" when you've been paralysed.
I'd love to report in on my next step completed too...once I stop crying myself purple.
Thank you for coming back and sharing this accomplishment, and I am not laughing, I know EXACTLY what you mean!
Another one tomorrow. Let the tape lead you!
(And music too.)
Oh this is wonderful.
hugs,
Hops
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hi gaining strength,
I have two N parents, and your posts are really resonating with me. Yes, I will take this journey with you, as it is a matter of life and death for me to heal. Do you feel this too?
This especially reminds me of my N Dad:
He came by my home - for the first time since my husband had died four years earlier - to get a photo and walked out with all four boxes saying as he went, "these are photos of MY family." As though I weren't related to his parent, grandparents, etc.) He simply does not see me or my child (whom I named for him) as related to his parents, grandparents, cousins, et.al. This is just one small way that I did not exist to him, one small sample of the nihilist part of being his child.
We used to go back to his home town (in upstate NewYork) regularly to visit relatives..one time, I went back with him as an adult and he was showing me Grandpa's old hardware store (under new management now) and he was explaining the hill he used to ride his bike down, and how it was "his town" (he did grow up there). I looked at him and quietly said: Dad. It's my town too, I spent many summers here as a kid. I have memories of this place too (not to mention both grandmothers lived there). Another time, the last time I spoke (actually emailed) him, I told him what a fool he was and how narcissistic he was cause he always implied his parents (my grandparents) were "the Greatest Generation ever. They grew up in the depression and they were the greatest and we all knew it (he also implied this about himself and his generation, as he served in Vietnam)." I was like: OK? Which is it, grandma and grandpa were the greatest, or you and Mom are? In any case, I'm lowly scum no matter how I look at it right? jerk
Anyhow, I've successfully divorced my parents, have been in therapy now for almost a year. I am really enjoying my new life. I do still talk to one brother/sister-in-law, but the rest of my siblings are too enmeshed with N Mom/Dad. It's OK. It really does turn out alright. You are stronger than you know, and you have the strength within. You know you do, cause you had the strength to be the one who pointed out the craziness in the first place, hence, it's why you became the scapegoat. I agree with jac, it is one of the roles with the best "prognosis" for healing, but anyone can heal from N abuse/N parents, no matter how enmeshed you might be. I believe.
lotta other good advice above that I totally agree with too.
hugs,
p.bean
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Penelope,
It is so strange to read someone else's experience that is so similar to mine after so many years of talking into a vacuum. My father's recounting of his experiences exhibit the same type of grandiosity that your father's did. I got stuck on some strange psychological level, early on knowing simply that I could never measure up. Though I carry an air of confidence, a deep, prevailing, unconscious, inner voice says over and over, "you can't measure up, you can't measure up." By reading your post, I am able to really put that sense of inadequacy together with my father's grandiose descriptions of his life.
Somewhat like my father, my mother will tell stories of something that happened when I was a child, as though I hadn't been present. But then I suppose I wasn't present to her at all. It is so helpful to understand how they have perceived me. Until I had the framework of Narcissism to put them in, I have not been able to make sense out of my experiences with them. It never occurred to me that I did'nt really exist for them. It is still so strange to take in. My young son is my entire world. I cannot for the life of me imagine relating to him the way my parents have related to me.
it is a matter of life and death for me to heal. Do you feel this too?
Yes I do. Absolutely a matter of life. Without healing, I am just the loving dead and I know that my life is worth more than that. The one positive characteristic that I have always had is persistance. I will never quit working on my healing. I believe it can be done.
yours - GS
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P.Bean and Gaining Strength,
I've only recently faced the fact that I truly was never a factor (in my mother's view) in anything that we experienced together as a family while I was growing up. She is the only one she will see. I think that's the only way she feels safe.
To me, the word "anal" sums up her view of life... a scarcity mentality that knows no bounds.
She is quite stoicly proud of having grown up during the years of the Great Depression, with rationing and all of the other trials of those times. I can understand that. What I don't understand is her envy. I can only think that she must have so resented this atmosphere of deprivation in her own life growing up that she assumes everyone else feels the same way.
For instance, when my children were small , I would provide for them the "really big" Christmases and birthdays which, to me, made the occasions memorable. (ok, so I was more materialistic then and went a bit overboard at times, but it was FUN!)
None of this was extreme, but it was memorable indeed... and I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to indulge them a bit. I feel the need here to add the disclaimer... my kids have never gone the route of having a driving need to have the latest and greatest, fad items, or name brand stuff in order to feel good about themselves. This was just "fun" stuff and apparently not practical enough to suit my mother's taste. Over the years, I could feel her cringe and just generally get "sour" at these times. Inevitably, the occasion would soon be followed by one of her monologues about how rough things were for her growing up and how very little they had. Never mind the fact that this all happened over half a century ago and throughout her 58 year marriage to my Dad, he has been an excellent provider and they've prospered greatly. What I'm taking the long way around to get at here is... I now see her reaction as envy in action. She not only resented my children for having an easier time of it (perhaps that's why she made them sit on her hard floor to eat), but she resented and despised me for providing better for them than her parents had for her. Along with this, I believe she thought I had always wanted more and was trying to give my kids something that SHE hadn't provided for me. This is absolutely untrue, but I think that because she's this way... she presumes that everyone else is the same. You know... I've encountered a similar sort of envy in others since, and nothing is worse to me than trying to coexist with a person who hates you simply for taking up space in a world they want to own for themselves. My mother has tried for years to enforce her way of being on me personally and on my household. When she meets with failure, she withdraws and sulks. I cannot please her unless I become her and that is surely not an option.
Hope
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Because he took on no shame for his mistake, he projected his shame onto me and punished me severely.
Ok, first of all, his MISTAKE? Sweetheart, putting a gun into a 6 year old's hands is NO MISTAKE. That is just plain SICK on his part.
It reminds me of the years when my husband told me that he wanted to take my daughter to a slaughtering house, cause she might ENJOY that, since HE did when his own father took him.
When I told a lady in the church that my husband and I were close to, what he planned to do, though her own husband was a hunter, SHE WAS HORRIFIED and said "I had NO IDEA you were enduring all that with Roland." It took years before people would stop seeing this man that I married, as their STAR CONGREGANT, just cause they felt sorry for his geekiness and cause he was the janitor...you know, like those mentally retarded people who clean buildings cause they are unable to do anything else...but of course, because Roland is an N, he saw their favor as being a result of how WONDERFUL he was...and how could i NOT also join in with their sentiments...hmmm, I guess it was somewhat in between seeing him yank my daughter up by the arm and just start whacking her...or maybe the times when he held my head against the bed and tried to CHOKE me for standing up for myself....maybe, just maybe, that has something to do with my not being so ENAMORED with the man back then or even now?
~ Laura
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Laura,
Has your husband's physical abuse of yourself and your children stopped?
Hope
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Yep it has stopped LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG AGO.
After the last incidence of my 2 year old being thrown up against the hood of the car and beaten, I told him that if he ever laid a hand on me or children again, I WAS OUT OF THERE!
He never did, we went to counselling, so I'm still here.
Sometimes he throws it up in my face, "well if YOU would have let me spank the kids!" I say "You REALLY DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE!" That ends things, since he is a walking Robot who can only spit out the same stuff over and over again, like a broken record or tape player.
~Laura
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Hi Laura,
So glad that part of it stopped. Sounds like he at least is capable of changing some behavior, when held accountable. With my ex, the abuse was all mental/psychological and if I pointed out some tactic he used that was hurting me or my kids, he only escalated that behavior. What's really a shame to me is that although your husband has stopped physically striking out, he still seems to think that sort of abuse is ok. Seems like if he really saw how damaging it was, he would never throw that back into your face. Physically overpowering a child (or anyone, for that matter) may bring behavior into line, but when cooperation is inspired by fear, the heart doesn't change. Same thing with adults who are forced to give up something lest they lose a valuable relationship... like the old saying goes, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still". Again, I'm glad you and your family are safe now.
Love,
Hope
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GS,
Just checking in with you...how are you doing?
I was wondering if part of the difficulty in focusing enough to clean, etc., might be ADD?
Have you ever been evaluated for that?
(I wonder because I've been "diagnosed"--wrongly, apparently--with it. I don't have it but I certainly have a ton of distractibility and anxiety, which makes the paralysed times especially tough. It's like breaking a logjam...I know it can all flow again, but it's that first battle with the logs is the hardest.)
Hope you're feeling hope today.
Hops
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Well Hops -
Funny you should ask. As a matter of fact, I have been diagnosed with ADD and on Monday I actually took Adderall for the first time in months to hel kick start my cleaning. Unfortunately, I was not able to sleep that night and very little Tuesday night. So that started a whole other cycle of being exhausted and not eating well which has in turn led to a sinus infection and ....
Yeah, I'm definitely ADD and that is part of my struggle. I have what is known as Executive Function disorder. The frontal lobe of your brain controls Executive Function which is about getting started, setting goals and such. I suspect that a head injury as a young child might be part of that issue. But I also know that the shaming and inadequacy, worthlessness issues that have gripped me are also part of it.
My strategy is to meditate daily, eat nutritiously, exercise daily and to replace the feelings of shame with positive feelings. I will make progress in one or more of these areas for a while and then cycle back down. But even when I slip backward in one area, I am making progress overall.
I see such a great improvement in my attitude in recent months. I choose to believe that problems I have been struggling with for the past couple of years are going to get resolved instead of being frustrated and anxious. That shift has really helped me begin to see things shift. And as I feel less resentful over the difficulties I've endured, issues emerge out of me unconscious mind and are laid out for me to deal with.
So I am making progress. My house clutter is probably the manifestation of the clutter of my unconscious shame and sense of inadequecy. I suspect that I might have to clean house of my psyche before I can clean my physical house.
I just hope it doesn't take 20 more years of counseling.
Gaining Strength
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GS,
I understand this so well!
Although my T does not believe I have ADD, I do have quite a few pieces of it.
I am struggling with it now. In fact, the truth is, I have not been struggling. I have been lollling aroundn letting things slip...and it's dangerous (financially). I keep my mother's life on track, but not my own.
I know part of it is depression and oddly, I think part of it is a self-sabotaging defiance.
I know I can't tidy up my psyche before I tidy my house because by then I wouldn't have a house.
My Executive Function urgently needs a secretary, but none has arrived.
Just before I read your post I was thinking how I'm going to sit and pray for help with this tomorrow. I really do feel that paralysed. I have 2 days now when I absolutely have to get things paid and filed.
I'll send you help, and maybe I need to get out the tape myself!
Here's luck to you for a good and breakthrough (however small) weekend.
Hops
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My Executive Function urgently needs a secretary, but none has arrived.
LOL, Hops - I've been looking for that same secretary for a couple of decades. I've even put ads in the paper and he or she has never shown up.
Listen, I am taking the challenge to pray that action descend on you like a dove. You open your heart to receive God's healing spirit and let's see what happens with those bill and files. God is all powerful.
My prayers are with you for the next couple of days.
Gaining Strength
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Thank you, ((((((GS)))))))))))))
We have a wonderful time in our service when people get up and silently light a small candle.
I'm going to light one for you and me.
This issue is our lives, our precious time, our capacity to hope.
Thanks again for thinking of me.
Hops
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Thanks Hops -
I'm off to bed and prayers. Thank you for lighting a candle for us. I'm in your corner. I can't wait til we both report the good news.
Yours - GS