Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: gratitude28 on August 29, 2006, 10:47:47 PM
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OK, I'm going to go first on this one and admit a bad habit that I want to break myself of... I was doing much better with all compulsive behavior for a while, but feel I am slipping again.
You are all strong... still, I am guessing that you might also have a behavior or two you'd like to change... so here goes to see who wants to 'fess up and think about changing (you don't have to change... just think about it...).
I take NyQuil caps a couple times a week to make me sleepy... not a good thing, because that's not really different than drinking in a sense...
I'm also back to eating poorly... I won't eat one day and then more than make up for it the next. I have never been able to go by hunger cues... My whole life has been a diet or ignoring the problem and I am so tired of it.
Anyone else have anything to share?
Love you all,
beth
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Thanks for sharing this, Beth. I've slipped into careless eating, gained weight,feel tired all the time, and let my paperwork pile up. I'm on ADs, but still. I am just...not postive. Feeling a wave of identity crisis..
Hope plenty of folks have wisdom on all this...
Hops
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Man-O, man-O, man-O, where do I start!
I'm becoming more hermit like. Getting cozy with my asetic side.
I only leave the house when I must. When I must is too often!
teartracks
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LOL. I'm a hermit in a rat trap with clothes in such a disarray that I can't find a whole outfit to put on inthe morning. I am getting better about eating and taking medicine and supplements and now I'm putting exercise on my mandatory list. (I've got a battle with the dark version of perfectionism.) I realize that until I get going on the exercise I won't get my act together well enough to get back out in the work force. (But, being a perfectionist, I want my house and home in order first.)
Take that nyquil - sleep is essential to taking care of your self. I couldn't sleep at all last night and here it is almost 2am tonight. Not a good situation.
Gaining Strength with a few slips here and there.
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I spent a couple of weeks eating as much ice cream as I could get my hands on because it was the only thing that really 'put out the fire' with the duodenal ulcers I've been contending with.
I blew up like a zeppelin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm now deflating rapidly, but it took a tape measure, the inability to get into any of my slacks, and the sobering realization that I had only last winter faced the fact that I'd gone up ONE size in the last TWENTY years, and here I was up another size in THREE WEEKS, to get me to stop my personal inflation program.
On the plus side, it did definitely help the ulcers... so now I have ice cream for lunch. Only. With portion control. Rigid. Edit in: and a sobering life lesson about the metabolic changes that come with middle age... and an 'inside understanding' of everyone who has to contend with that kind of metabolism all their lives!!!
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my personal inflation program.
LOL - I LOVE this AND it applies to me as well. I've been doing so much inner work, that the outer has slipped, but I REFUSE to submit to all of the "shoulds" and "supposed tos" about body image as portrayed in our society.
THE GODDESSES WERE NOT SKINNY!
TV, lack of exercise, latching on to my angry side at times (it's a familiar place).
Movinon
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latching onto my angry side at times.
Did you know there are pretty good non-addictive sleeping pills? Ask your doctor if interested.. I did take all my b/f's pain meds, that he didn't take when he'd had his wisdom teeth out. But I really was having pain in my back from being hunched over the computer for 80+ hours that one week. I'm glad I don't have any more though...they're addictive.
hugs all,
bean
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Hi Beth,
Well... eating regularly is the biggest thing, I guess. I don't get the hunger cues either, and then when I do, I'll just have a couple pieces of toast. I do manage to stick with the multi-vitamins and drinking juices, but whole fruits and vegetables are not my friends :?
I've seen that I tend to trade one obsession for another, always with something to fill in the vacuum when one is given up.
My computer time is the thing I need to monitor closely now, since it can become such a distraction from routine... it becomes the routine! And if it weren't for my family here, I could surely become hermitified. Teartracks... I'm with you. There are so many errands still and so much chauferring to do yet, but it's all only by necessity! Homebody here.
How about ritualistic type behavior? Does anyone battle that? I'm not sure that ice cream for lunch (for medicinal purposes :))qualifies as a ritual, but I have ice cream nearly ever night before bed. Routine has a certain comfort-factor for me and when it's broken, I can feel kinda lost and shaky. We don't have to break through all of our personality quirks, do we?? :shock:
Love,
Hope
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hi hope,
I actually think I remember reading (M. Scott Peck?) that rituals and routine are the best thing we can do to be loving to oneself and others. If we develop good discipline and habits, that is. So no, not all ritual is bad - a lot of it just is, I feel. Love is a ritual, as it is the actions we commit to that are kind.
hugs,
bean
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Thanks, Pb!
Routine definitely brings me a settled sense of comfort and I'd hate to think I have to suddenly examine every element of that. Whew... some things just should be left be, I think! After being turned upside down and inside out by N-marriage, I am just thrilled to see some of my old discipline and habits returning, even if they don't make sense to anyone else.
Hugs back to you, Pb. I never thought of love as a ritual. Maybe because it always seemed to turn into a rut. But that was only because it was so one-sided. I hope you'll have a smiley day.
Love,
Hope
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NYQUIL contains cough suppressant and acetamenophin ( paracetamol ) as well as the anti-histamine which is probably making you sleep Beth.
Just take anti-histamine, lots of people do for sleep. During all my sleepless time I took a mild anti-anxiety called hydroxyzine ( brand name Atarax, also used for itching ) which helped maintain a pattern with no side-effects and non-addictive.
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My secret bad habit isn't very secret, since I've been banging on about it here for months ( ! ) but it's a tendency to obsessive love. I am getting better but when I fall in love I can't do enough for the person and don't recognise when they are not reciprocating or taking advantage.
I got so used to jumping through hoops with my father then my marriage a 'normal' relationship is easy for me now to shower someone with ideas and love...but it's still not healthy when I can't walk away from someone's indifference or lack of affection or issues.
Or recognise that I don't set the whole tone of a relationship!
As I type that this just came into my inbox: Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. ~Oscar Wilde
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Update on my new 'friend':
well, I had asked the usual questions on getting to know him and suspected he had either intimacy or commitment issues ( like many guys who seem a real catch but have never married etc by mid-thirties )
As soon as I started to respond to him romantically he seemed to back off, and now he's not calling me or writing- well he is but just enough to keep things there, it's not deepening, in fact the opposite. He's stopped being so affectionate and though he is gazing at me and I sense an attraction he is not acting on it.
So I don't know if it's just the usual limit-setting ( Judith Sils calls it 'the switch' where one partner steps up interest and the other backs off ) of an early relationship,or he just wants a friendship, and he's not saying except he said 'it takes me a really long time'.
Well I'm not like that- I'm very spontaneous even impulsive.
He forgot my birthday, which I wasn't making any fuss about so as not to hurt my ex but had told him my 40 th was coming up...at the same time another guy who really likes me but told me very nicely it wasn't a good time for him to get into a relationship right now remembered and sent me a great message & prompted all my friends to post me special
greetings- so it was an interesting contrast to help put things in perspective.
I know he's considerate to other people so it's more symbolic- he is choosing not to deepen our relationship right now, so I am going to tell myself firmly 'status: friendship' and back off.
But not mope around waiting or feeling rejected.
It helps that I am feeling really good physically and mentally, and getting my life back on track workwise and proceeding with divorce arrangements.
And Hops- Judith Sills is still kept in my bra like you told me!!!! ( good thing I didn't invite him in there, isn't it! )
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I've slipped into careless eating, gained weight,feel tired all the time, and let my paperwork pile up. I'm on ADs, but still. I am just...not postive. Feeling a wave of identity crisis..
you are in a difficult situation H, you need to give yourself EXTRA care right now, not less.
Start with one thing at a time, for example: clear that table/ go through a pile of bills/ wash the dishes/ cook a meal.
Remember me saying i was out of control with the house/ diet/ exercise etc, it's taken me weeks to get back 'in the groove' and I decided to approach it in a very non-punitive way.
I walk the dog three or four short walks, often all the neighbourhood kids attend on their bikes so it becomes a fun outing and exercise for everyone.
My daybook suggested doing housework in a contemplative way as an act of love so I've been trying not to race around multi-taskign, but be in the moment, and the house is definitely looking prettier.
I read http://www.flylady.net/ and they say it took time for the confusion to accumulate, give it time to sort it out by doing a bit each day and picking up habits like always doing dishes/ disposing of papers/ filling the charity bag or recycle box...
Went to Hobby Lobby and picked up a pile of pretty boxes for the stuff I couldn't decide what to do with, so the clutter is still there, but in disguise.
And I've got back into the habit of planning a meal, even if it's just a frozen tv dinner I select it, pick healthy, microwve some veg with it and buy fruit and take my vitamins.
I've sorted out 2 out of 3 outstanding health issues, and reworked my day- I now go to the swimming pool last thing at night almost every night when everyone else is asleep and it's quiet, it's an all-night place at $50 a month which I have budgeted for, worth every penny.
I wasn't enjoying trying to cram it in during the day.
All these habits have taken tiem to build, but they are my new life, and important to me and I don't let them get side-traced, which will be imnportant as my busiest work months approach.
Routine has a certain comfort-factor for me and when it's broken, I can feel kinda lost and shaky.
routine can be great so long as we are mindful of it- and the things which are working and those which are holding us back.
And a break in routine can be good too- a change is as good as a rest or something like that!
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Write,
I feel so inspired after reading you here. I think what you've accomplished with your own style of routine is absolutely beautiful and I want to try to emulate that. Having the "want to" is what often goes missing.
Re: antihistimines... allergy-season makes benedryl a staple item for me and sometimes I take it at bedtime to avoid waking up with that elephant-in-the-nose sensation. It doesn't make me sleepy if I take it during the day, but I guess it does most people.
And ~ I will remember this, Write ~ Mindful Routine. Yes. Don't want any invisible hooks reeling me in. Thank you!
Love,
Hope
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Dear ((((((Beth))))),
I am unable to sleep at night without ambien, on which I am totally dependent right now. I am not even going to try to wean off it until I have found a job. I also take my ADs.
I have gained 15 pounds in the last year and a half. I'm at the edge of the "healthy" range for my height. I eat gumdrops as though I have them confused with vegetables, and I do not floss. I can't suck it in anymore. When I do my head expands from the pressure so I can't fit through doorways. I keep staring at my stomach trying to figure out who glued this theater prop onto my frame. I am perfectly happy with my derriere because it's behind me so I never think about it, unless I am trying to get into pants that don't have an elastic waist. Someone has clearly been into my room at night and replaced my wardrobe with some other woman's clothes. It's either been very cleverly done or there's an alternate universe and I fell in.
Remember that cozy room I described on the Surroundings thread? It's here somewhere, but danged if I know where. I can see my dog because her tail goes around the bed like a snorkel tube. Most of the rest of my room I just remember by reputation.
I watch TV as though they just invented it and put the first one in my room. What if I miss something? Plus which, it is obvious that half the designers on Project Runway are depending on me to send them creative thoughts. It's an obligation. And they couldn't rescue all those puppies on Animal Planet if I wasn't sitting there moaning.
In a nutshell, I ain't doing so well, and if a little NyQuil is the worst thing you can come up with, dear, it's not so bad. Be kind to yourself and remember that Beth is Beth and the only one there is. You deserve to like yourself and BRAVO for being sick of the diet thing. Deprivation never works.
No beating up on yourself, hon. It's against the rules. (As must be obvious, I follow them all.)
((((((Beth))))))
Hops
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Dear Write,
I so so so so feel for you. You are trying VALIANTLY to break the old fusion-love habit. I know, absolutely know, you will get there. Bless you for staying so conscious about what is happening in terms of your own tendencies. That is extremely courageous and bodes very well for your life, regardless of whether This Is The One. I am very impressed.
My only cure has been to just stop. This coming Xmas it will be 2 years since I've been involved withanyone, and I've needed it. The first year was hard and since that benchmark I've been more and more at ease. I would still so like a partner, but not if it's going to take me back to that agony of feeling out of control and unbalanced. (I can manage that even without romance in my life.)
I am sure this man is a nice person so I do not expect this book to be a portrait of him, but since Judith Sills has been a good bosom buddy :? --trust me on one more title? Men Who Can't Love was invaluable to me, not because ALL the men I knew were commitment-averse, but because it SO SPECIFICALLY spelled out the signals and behaviors. It was also a huge huge huge help because it does not rule out relationships that are getting out of balance recovering, but it literally spells out the very specific responses you can/should have to specific distancing behaviors.
It really was a huge help...hope you'll give it a try. I do know what it's like, so well. (((((Write))))
And thank you so much for noticing I'm floundering and offering those caring suggestions. I am very touched and you just made me feel less lonely. (I did that sermon because it's a big issue.)
Thanks again for your sensitivity.
I'm sending you the steadiness I lack at the moment but I think sometimes it works that way...
Hops
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It's been a hard-working if happy few days of coming to realisations, working, talking to a close friend about her plans for her terminally sick husband, making divorce arrangements...the wind just dropped out of my sails on my return from doing a memorial service, my boy's been home sick all day so I haven't had the usual quiet time to re-compose.
I thought I'll log on here and suddenly hoped Hop would have seen my post and thrown me another line- the Judith Sills was so what I needed a few months ago- and here it is.
Thank you!
Steadiness received and- now I'm back in place- right back at ya!
made me feel less lonely
Life is such a balance between being engulfed/overwhelmed and being isolated. Don't be lonely Hop, pm me anytime!
Going to walk my dog and commune with nature.
ps our British gum drop candy favourite is called 'fruit gums', many days I have had my full five helpings...
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Aww, Jac.
I know you're not vain.
Here's an odd thought:
You're just as beautiful as you're supposed to be.
Hmmm. If I say that to myself, anyway, it feels okay. (Hope it doesn't sound wrong. I'm sure you're very beautiful and your inner punisher won't let you enjoy it.)
What I think about Magazine Beauty (according to social standards now, which are all different from 50 years ago, which were different from 50 years before that, and so on)...is that it's LUCK.
Healthy Beauty, from self-care and more or less sensible habits, now that's a glow.
Think about the deleriously healthy and happy supermodels...?? (That was a quick thought, right?)
It's good you're Just Jac, imho. I bet you're STUNNING when you're smiling, breathing deeply, and in love with the weather.
Hops
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Love you all! This thread made my day on so many levels.
Hey... we're all human and we're allowed to be that way.
Some habits ARE part of us. Some could/should be stopped. All of us are special!!!!!
Thank you, thank you!
Love, Beth
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p.s. There is so much I want to respond to, but a bit short on time and mental energy today...
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One of the things my therapist proposed to me though is that everytime I withhold from myself, I'm teaching myself not to trust me. Which is why the next time I get a piece of cake or any food which I deny myself I binge on it - logically thinking, I bet she'll never let me have this again and then I feel bad, vow not to do that again, punish myself, and the cycle continues.
wow, I never thought of it like that. The subconscious does grant our desires. Next time I have a craving I'll know it's 'cos I was mean to myself somewhere else.
Thanks for that!
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Dear Jac,
Reading what you said here last night is what got me to thinking more about the improper boundaries we might have in place... those that are based either in lack of trust for ourselves or learned from poor examples set in our childhoods. If I didn't like cheese and ice cream so much, I'd be the ideal setup for anorexia, too :? I have no problem leaving the house with hair out of place, but I surely do not like to eat much. I'd just as soon skip it altogether, so disciplining myself to sit down and eat a "normal" meal is no easy feat. It's not a weight issue at all with me, but rather a matter of control, I think. Alot in my family revolved around food and drinking, and mealtime was often a time when my mother (and N-ex) would choose to sulk, so I think it's the whole "sit down meal" thing that I tend to avoid.
Also, in trying to reform some of what I've viewed as my bad habits (especially in overcoming perfectionism) I've tended to go far to the opposite extreme and then gotten stuck in that rut. Like keeping a schedule... I was feeling like a clock watcher and it was causing me alot of tension, so in determining to stop that, I was getting a bit overly relaxed and not getting my regular chores completed. Can't win for losing sometimes! So now, like with monitoring my internet time, I use the kitchen timer. Instead of watching the clock, I take a break when needed and set that timer, so that the day doesn't get too far away from me. I think for me, the "cold turkey" approach to some of this stuff just stirs up too much resentment and obsessive rubbish, so applying some more flexible self-discipline seems to be best. Maybe a similar approach would work with your cake? Instead of leaving it to chance, make an agreement with yourself to enjoy X number of slices of cake per week ( I dunno, 3?... lol, I can hear you groaning :P)
The point is, make it a reasonable number so that you don't feel shortchanged, but then stick with the agreement you make with yourself. I am finding that this technique truly builds a new level of self-trust and keeps me on track better!
Much love,
Hope
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Hi Bean,
Long day at work with just a quick peek at the board and I knew you'd written a beautiful line...couldn't remember what thread it was on, just found it now, and want to say THANK YOU!
Love is a ritual, as...the actions we commit to [it]...are kind
(hope the little edit wasn't incorrect or out of line--say the word if so and I'll zap it)
Hops
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I could just here my inner child groan. Can you believe that this good for nothing is gonna do it to us again!!!
Oh no, poor inner child!
I guess you'll have to work on the guilt associated with feeding your inner child?
I know for me the new sense of 'wholeness' I am feeling is about connecting all the parts of myself, including that playful fearful expectant quivering-with-wonderment soul inside of me...
Maybe it's a process jac.
What are you worried about the consequences?
CH said I surely do not like to eat much. I'd just as soon skip it altogether, so disciplining myself to sit down and eat a "normal" meal is no easy feat. It's not a weight issue at all with me, but rather a matter of control, I think.
and I had a friend who used to be very big but has had no weight issues ( but other issues ) for many years tell me recently- I'm always afraid of losing control.
One of the things I have fought with is the acceptance I can't control lots of things and the trust that I will be where and how I am meant to be.
I couldn't truly be with G_d until I accepted that I have to trust and not try to control grace ( through religion or prayer- prayer to me is really asking for answers now and listening to the calm voice inside which gives explanation )
I'm waffling! I guess it boils down to love, pure love.
Anyone got some more concrete thoughts on loving your inner child?
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Time is another commodity, it can be a wonderful gift or a source of constant pressure.
I remember this guy once, he had been raised by Travelling people and we went for a beer to celebrate his negative Hiv test. I had to get back to work, and was looking for a clock, he beamed at me, full of love and relief for his gaining more time/life, and said 'I grew up with gypsies. We don't carry time...'
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My opinion is, stay the heck AWAY from LUNESTA, whatever you do...the withdrawl effects are AWFUL beyond words!
I think taking meds to get a SOUND night's sleep, is not a bad idea.
My little struggle in life is with my intense almost HATRED toward my husband of 19 years. Since studying Psychology and learning things online, I now see him as the 7-14 yr old child that REFUSES TO GROW UP! He dresses like a geek, he wears white sport socks that show with his flood pants, he tucks his shirts in and wears a belt, when all the other guys wear their shirts relaxedly outside their pants, his underarms REEK, he has broken-off, ROTTEN teeth up in his gums, so when he smiles you see messed up gums with chunks of teeth in them, his hair is grey on the sides and he often cuts it in an ugly brush cut. I just really wish I believed in divorce sometimes, based on his physical appearance and lack of hygiene. He also talks to himself and paces back and forth across the floor constantly. He reminds me of my critical grandfather and constantly says "huh?" which also makes me feel annoyed.
He doesn't CARE about how he appears to me, that he no longer is attractive to me and I feel NOTHING toward him in the way of sexual attraction either. He refuses to change himself and I have been the one to constantly work on losing weight, improving my appearance, etc. It just all makes me so angry. I sometimes want OUT but the familiar comfort and ease of the "expected" is more desirable than the unknown of living on my own, or shall I say the KNOWN Of it...I do NOT want to be FORCED to have to support my children when I have a man to do it...selfish? maybe, but it's my right by virtue of marriage for almost 19 years. I lived homeless when I left him a few times. I KNOW that the government makes women look like the "VICTIMIZERS" and forces them to fend for themselves no matter what. Been there, done that, came back to the husband cause it was easier and I'm LAZY by choice when it comes to having to take care of myself by default.
So, please don't get on any "well you could always leave him" routines. I tried that and it's not that I couldnt' make it...number one, I KNOW me...I'd be searching for the next guy to marry. It is against my beliefs, number two, and I don't HAVE to take care of myself and the girls financially, so why put myself in that situation. There are 3 kids we're talking about here, who about lost their minds the last time I left and then turned ME into the "bad guy" the whole time I was separated...saying, "YOU LEFT DAD, HE DIDN'T LEAVE YOU! I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT" I was turned into the one who was WRONG and I hated it and will NOT go through it again.
anyway, so that's my struggle right now.
~Laura
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that's my struggle right now.
I have to run but not without leaving you a big hug (((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
and some love
~W
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Thank you for the big hug, Write
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Weee----llllll, Jac! If you get to eat cake on Friday, then I get to put away my timer!! :D So there :P !! lol
No kidding, gotta have those designated play times. I mean, regular chores are getting done (I've been up for hours) but there's really nothing pressingly urgent today till about midnight, when I'll have to run out to pick up daughter from away-football game. Ugh. Better squeeze in a nap at some point. Tomorrow kids will be home, so I'll have to be rested up to give them my attention. Today I shall relax and have fun! I have to say that to myself lest the guilts creep in and suggest otherwise. There is nothing so pressing that I need worry. Worry is not a virtue. I do not have to get everything: fixed, completed, made right, solved, etc... today!
Jac ~ And guess what I did? On Friday I thought to myself, But think how much calories you will save if you do NOT have that peice of cake. Come on, you can do it. Just skip it this week. You'll have it next week.
Sounds like you're in competition with your self! Oh my, is that a familiar notion. I think that critical parent needs to take an extended vacation?
Each time I read through these threads, I pick up on something else and it's wonderful. Just to see things in a new light, through someone else's experience, is so encouraging and little by little, the obsessive thinking fades into a distant memory.
((((((((((((Laura)))))))))))
Just a suggestion from me to you... I think your struggle would be eased if you make #2 into #1 and then define it further, making it concrete. What I mean is, make your primary reason for remaining married = your desire to please, serve, honor, glorify God. That decision of will simplifies so much as it removes self-doubt and self-focus from the mix. I believe it's the first necessary step to sorting through all the other stuff.
The other thing that occurs to me is... re: his lack of personal grooming... ok, so he's got the mentality of a child/young teen and "doesn't care" how you feel about his nastiness. So use the same technique that works with someone of his mental age. What if you made it entirely his choice... he showers (goes to the dentist, tries a new deodorant, etc) and you reward that behavior by treating him with something you know he would enjoy. Instead of accenting his bad points, make it clear that he gains when he does something right. Kids understand this. Gee, honey, I'd like to take you over to your friend's house to play, but you chose to not: do your chores, clean your room, whatever. Let him know that he is choosing the negative when he doesn't make himself presentable to you. See... it's not you withholding physical affection, it's him not doing what's necessary to make that possible. Maybe he'll "get it" if it's presented with a smile (probably will take alot of non-nagging, positive repetition and reinforcement) when he finds that it's a whole lot more pleasant around the house when he does a few simple things to make it so. Simple cause and effect, without all the emotional attachments that muck it up.
Cheering for you, Laura.
Write, I recently bought a bumper sticker which says, "There is only one God. Quit applying for His position". Amen
Love,
Hope
Love,
Hope
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Hiya Laura,
It sounds like you are really living in a catch 22 situation. Your beliefs are keeping you stationed with someone you would otherwise rather be rid of. That's probably something that is alot more common than not, I would bet.
My little struggle in life is with my intense almost HATRED toward my husband of 19 years.
That seems like it must be a difficult struggle. You just don't seem to me like a person who hates easily. I don't want to sound like I know anything but I was just wondering if it might be possible to work on changing your thinking a little, to help yourself tolerate him better?
His behaviour sounds abnormal. He has been abusive toward his wife and kids. He doesn't look after himself hygenically. He's immature. Can you think of him as.... ill? A bit sick, right now? Not well?
The reason I'm suggesting this is because if you intend to stay with him, it seems logical that you will have to find a way to get to a point where you are able to live your own life, without letting him affect you. It just seems like the only way to stay and find peace, imo.
So if it were possible to consider him just sick/unwell/ill..... the strong feelings you have might lessen a little?
Don't know if this helps at all. I hope it does. If not, just disregard it.
Sela
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Hiya jac - well, yes, I can sort of relate to this vanity kick stuff. N Mom and Dad had/have that going pretty strong (Mom has had multiple surgeries - liposuctions/tummy tuck/reconstructive abdomonal surgery)...
I have had a surgery of my own (nose - which I never liked). Sometimes I feel a sense of guilt at being raised by such vain parents, as I know some of it has carried over to me.
It does help, me anyway, to be partnered with someone who is attractive (to me) but not vain at all. I don't know why, but when that happened, I stopped worrying about my weight (which is normal), my looks, presenting myself to others...all the Crap, I was raised to believe was Sooo important. It's not. The only thing my b/f has ever said to me was: I hope you will shower everyday, cause I don't want to be known as the guy at work with the "stinky" girlfriend... (which hurt my feelings a bit, cause since he also convinced me to wear deoderant without aluminum for health reasons since we met, my body chemistry is still trying to "adjust." Let's just say the alternatives don't work as well). :( Also, I have extremely dry skin, so when I shower a lot - like once a day- it gets even drier, which cause clogged pores and acne in my case. So I guess that is my other secret habit - obsessive zit squeezing. It sucks to be in your 30's and have worse acne than I had even as a teenager! (I already look young, so this makes me look younger, which I hate cause people at work think I'm in my 20's).
As I write all this, I start to laugh. It's stupid the things we become obsessed with, aint it?
Reallyme - I am very sorry to hear about your situation with hubby. Sela had some good suggestions. Just wanted to add one other one - is it possible your hubby doesn't want to spend money or appear selfish, so he's not taking care of himself for this reason? In your case, a small dose of Reverse vanity may be in order. Just so you wouldn't feel so repulsed by him.... He can have some of my vanity, I don't need any more!!!! :) I wish there was a formula for telling someone: hey, I'd really like it if you'd do X to look better (cut your hair this way, trim your nails, lose 15 pounds, whatever)...that didn't hurt their feelings, of course. What can you do though? :shock:
hugs all,
p.b.
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I have tried to handle the husband in the way you said, CH...been married, 19 years, remember? Tried everything, sis...nothing works.
~RM
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Laura,
Doesn't he get lonesome when you refuse to come near him unless he's bathed/shaved/desmellified? What if you wear a Victoria's Secret type get-up and a come-hither look and ask him, "Can I draw you a bath, dear?" I know what it's like to think I've tried everything, but if it isn't working, sometimes we just have to get a bit more creative. Sorry... I'll stop now.
Love,
Hope
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no one can change someone else!
If after 19 years he knows your feelings and isn't going to compromise it probably is time for you to move on.
I did that in my head first: built my self-esteem and worked on myself.
It came to a point I knew I wasn't honouring G_d or him or myself by staying.
Plus- now we're almost divorced he is changing faster than ever.
I guess I set him free to pursue his journey, which was too tied up with mine :(
He even booked a therapy appointment of his own volition! and is reading- Judith Sills!!!
G_d is love RM, not this punitive judgemental human-like figure so many of us have been taught.
And the marriage vows- I said 'so long as we both shall live'; but our lives became a death...of our real selves.
I can give him far more love at a distance than I ever did close up when I was so hurt and disappointed.
sometimes we just have to get a bit more creative
it's hard to be creative when you're not being true to your authentic self though.
I remember that pain of turning into someone I didn't want to be and feeling constantly frustrated and cheated when all I wanted was to make a good life together, and we weren't on the same planet half the time.
I started to be really critical, he was 10 times worse. I guess we were both looking for some kind of perfection instead of realising it came from us and we just didn't have the compatability and both had emotional issues from childhood.
Now I want to be with someone who'll meet me half way and help create that beautiful life together. Until then, I'm going to cope and make a good life for me and my boy.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Laura,
I'm really sorry.
It's devastating to be repulsed by someone. It's really hard to overlook things when the love's broken.
I wouldn't care about the clothing style stuff, but the teeth are a deal breaker.
That is truly hard to be around...
Will he not go to a dentist? I know dental work is horrendously expensive but jeez. There are clinics.
Is he a sort of old-fashioned country guy? Does he think that once people marry even if they're miserable together that's just the way it is, and "a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do"? Was that what his parents' marriage was like?
I understand feeling economically trapped. You are so smart, though, RM. And you're in college now.
I wish you could become an LPN or RN. You'd never ever lack for a job....
I hope you can start dreaming some new dreams...put that anger and hatred you're feeling into ENERGY, for schoolwork and for positive plans. You don't have to plan divorce if that's wrong for you. But you could plan a whole lot of things.
I'm glad you're venting here. This is a very painful situation for you.
Hops
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Thank you all for your input.
I'm not going to respond to all of your posts, because I did find myself getting defensive, and I'm trying to learn not to do that.
I am going to respond to Hops, however:
Will he not go to a dentist? I know dental work is horrendously expensive but jeez. There are clinics.
Is he a sort of old-fashioned country guy? Does he think that once people marry even if they're miserable together that's just the way it is, and "a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do"? Was that what his parents' marriage was like?[/
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you PEGGED HIM! He is very old fashioned, grew up on a farm. He does believe that way about marriage and YES his parent's marriage was like that for YEARS. His father molested both Roland's sister and step-sister as children, after he broke his back in a work accident and was home all the time with them. My husband's mother was of the belief that you kow tow to the man and let him have what he wants, except there were some sexual things she refused his father, so the father used the promiscuous daughter for it instead. Of course my husband is the only one of 6 children who just about DEIFIED this perverted creature in his mind. So, he even left our daughter with they guy a couple times. In his eyes, his father didn't violate his step sister...she ASKED FOR IT, since she was already sleeping around as a teen. SICK, I KNOW!!!
His mother, even after her daughter came to her, telling her about being molested, stayed with the )^()^)*%)%! If you ask her why, she will give some line about "where would I go with 6 kids? They didn't have places like they do now for people in my situation!" yeah, right...sorry, ZILCH COMPASSION FROM ME! I WOULD HAVE LIVED ON THE STREETS IF MY HUSBAND MOLESTED MY CHILDREN IF I HAD TO!
So, that's how it is
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I really wanted to take the time to respond to everyone here because there is so much good stuff and I just didn't have time last week.
Laura, I am very sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time at home. Good luck to you in figuring out what you want and need.
Lupine, Welcome and congrats on a strong and wise decision! What character!
Jac, I always wanted to be anorexic, but only managed to become bulimic. Spent a few years like that. It was satisfying in some sick way. My parents found out through a dietician I was seeing when I was in college (long story) and they simply said, "Are you still doing it?" I said, "No, but I wouldn't tell you if I was." They nodded, shrugged it off and went on with life. Mysister was (is?) bulimic and abused laxatives. We were never taught to eat normally. Another long story. I never eat right and it's a pain in my butt.
write, I LOVE the way you have made such mature changes in your life. I like the idea of eating something healthful when I feel the need to just eat... I also want to start exercising each day and being kinder to myself. Thank you for an inspiring post.
sela, your wise words are always wonderful to hear.
all... I guess the thing about the NyQuil (and why it was hard to admit) is that I am using it to "feel spacey." Yes, it's to sleep. Yes, I am not sleeping well. But I am trying to be honest with myself and needed to see the words in front of me to admit my true purpose.
I am so grateful to have all of you to run things by. It sure helps keep my life sane.
Love and kindness to all.
Take care of yourselves!!!!
Love, Beth
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Thanks moon!!!
I actually had a very happy week last week and I am feeling more myself again. I went through a serious rough patch (you know, every day seems it can't get worse... and then it does.) So, the curse was broken with a lovely snorkeling trip and a healthy baby guinea pig (he got better!) and getting my car fixed for half what I thought it would be and meeting a very nice person with two great kids who get along with my kids... lots of things.
I said the serenity prayer about 8 million times and kept trying to remember that, This too shall pass, " but it was a long one...
So... the reason I'm spouting off about all this is to say, maybe now is a good time for me to start changing some of the bad habits...
And moon, congrats on making so many changes in your life!!!!
Love, Beth
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Dear Moon,
I do not know what it says in the Bible about what I owe my father as far as respect goes when he soooooooooooooooo does not respect me ?
You may like to read this re: honoring an abusive parent http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2006/003/4.38.html
There is no simple answer, but I hope this helps some.
Love,
Hope
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I do not know what it says in the Bible about what I owe my father as far as respect goes when he soooooooooooooooo does not respect me ?
For YEARS, I have been trying to understand the 5th commandment, the only commandment with a promise in light of growing up with parents who were not loving, caring, nurturing. "Honor thy mother and father, that it may go well with you." What does "honor" mean? I have wondered. There are not built in exceptions, such as "unless your parents are abusive or commit infanticide." So this has to apply even to the most wretched of parents. And in that case - what does "honor" mean. The best I can make out is that it means to view them as children of God. Children who may have drifted tragicly far from God's will, but children whom God loved. How else can I fit these two concepts together - "child abuser" & "honor your parents"?
That is a tough theological question for me.
Thanks for raising it. I am looking forward to reading responses to your post. - Gaining Strength
Certain Hope
Your post came up while I was typing. Thanks for that link, I'm headed right there.
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Colossians 3 ( chapter 20? ) goes on to say
Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged
One of my friends told me last week she didn't go to church when the Pastor told her ( during marital counselling after her husband beat her ) Wives, be subordinate to your husbands, as is proper in the Lord.
He omitted the next line ( also from Colossians 3 )
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter toward them.
Jesus repeated Honour thy father and mother- well I honour mine by not becoming the woman they mistakenly tried to raise, and by forgiving them their ignorance and selfishness.
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Hope you are feeling better Moon, I know arguments upset you.
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Maybe it meant honor them and you'll inherit the sheep.
I think every line in the Book is transcended by the Golden Rule.
And with abusive parents, I think you can do the golden rule like Moon does....and like somebody up thread said better:
You can honor the life they gave you by making your own life whole, healthful and happy. You can honor them by recognizing them in their full humanity and reality and responding in a life-affirming way. And maybe that includes firm boundaries, little contact, and no war. Because you disengage.
THe word "honor" may have had other translations, but as I feel religious truth evolves, I would encourage you to REWRITE that commandment in words that come from the place of deepest life and health within you. We can all translate, humans interpret. And you can too.
Hops
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Maybe it meant honor them and you'll inherit the sheep.
LOL - I'll do that for the sheep!
You can honor the life they gave you by making your own life whole, healthful and happy. You can honor them by recognizing them in their full humanity and reality and responding in a life-affirming way. And maybe that includes firm boundaries, little contact, and no war. Because you disengage.
Now that is absolutely beautiful. That is profound beyond words. I hope to absorb that to the fullest.
Thanks - GS
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Regarding Moon's question about "honor thy father and mother" and what the Bible says about it...
I'd like to point out that the Bible is a book of BALANCE...
God also told the fathers "provoke not your children to wrath" and...in the book of Proverbs, there are plenty of things mentioned about parent-child relationships.
Recently I have decided to keep in mind that the Bible was written in a very different day and age and mindset, than what we live in now. Although I believe that the Bible is still the WORD of God, I also realize that things need to be taken as a whole and in the context and era they were written...all of that needs to be considered, and also to remember that what was written, often times was the IDEAL situation, barring abuse, narcissistic dysfunction in families, etc.
~Laura
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Moon, you have come SO far since I first heard your voice.
I am dazzled.
I love the way you responded to one of his lies by saying, "Well that will have to be a mystery."
That's a brilliant response.
Steadiness to you, hon. You are SO doing the right thing by holding your ground.
Hops