Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on September 02, 2006, 10:34:12 AM
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I have been excavating into the ruins of my unconscience and in the early hours tween dark and light I came across a skeleton I had heard existed. Underneath a slab of shame I found a treasure trove of "UNDERSERVING". It is a huge deposit, a true mother lode. What a find. I am chipping away at it with a small pickaxe of positive thoughts. But this will take a while. Does anyone have a sledgehammer I can use to smash this toxic layer?
I'm so glad to have found it. As I make progress clearing it away I think I will find my dump of a house is cleared away as well.
Send any tools (words of encouragement) you have to help me.
Thanks - Gaining Strength.
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Gaining Strength
Does anyone have a sledgehammer I can use to smash this toxic layer?
Heres a thought, Feed only the positive thoughts and starve the negative.
Soon the negative will become smaller and weaker.
All this didn't happen over night and will no doubt take lots of work to turn the negatives back to the positives you are deserving of .
happy feeding, my tool of encouragement. OR
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OR
Thanks - that's a big boost. I use that positive thought to go to work smashing those toxic words of "inadequacy". What an encouragement.
Gaining Strength
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jacmac
Attempt to discover what function is has been serving.
For example: You like to procrastinate and you want to stop.
The function procrastination serves and why you would choose to continue would be ?
Example:
I would not have to confront
I would be able to do something more fun
I could hope whatever it is would go away
I would never fail because I would not try to do whatever it is.
I could keep things the way they are, not rock the boat for fear of rejection.
I could keep telling myself negative things because self loathing keeps me from the success I fear.
So can I look at a function take on some emotional discomfort in order to achieve my goal.
What you think??
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teartracks - that's a great attitude to take. I'm all for it. I love taking on difficult adventures so I'll think of this as a difficult but rewarding experience.
jacmac and OR - I think I get your point. This "undeserving" layer served some purpose in my survival stages of life but now has become a liability. Is that what you mean? The sense of being "undeserving" has been unconscious until recently. Even the overwhelming sense of shame has been unconscious but both have had an incredibly oppressive force in my life. So if they have been unconscious can they still have served a purpose?
Thanks - GS
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GS.
Even the overwhelming sense of shame has been unconscious but both have had an incredibly oppressive force in my life. So if they have been unconscious can they still have served a purpose?
Think,,Think unconscious deep real deep ............ What is it that you fear? rejection? emotional discomfort?
Fear of failing who? You, your mother? Shame for a mistake ? Making people that have little respect for you happy? I believe oppressive forces unconscious or conscious would serve a purpose even to survive trauma.
Some people are jerks and they enjoy placing shame on others because of their own shame.
Feeling undeserving from people that enjoy building themselves up while putting you down will tend to overshadow you.
Step away from the emotional vampires so you can see more clear then you can understand you have strength to surpass their dim life and move to a brighter future.
I'm in a mood today! OR
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Makes perfect sense to me, Jac.
Always, always, we have to get at the root of the matter and when I do that, it never fails that I'll find one of two things..... fear or pride.
Hope
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GS want to share with you
What I feel undeserving about : Love from my mother, who would also punish my siblings in some way if they did not go along with her rejection of me. (I have lots of pain about this and keep my distance from them)
Who does not deserve love from their mother?
There is shame that goes along with being the outsider, knowing you're going to get the silent treatment and the unloving actions will be there..
So painful when you want to say "I Love You" and not have that love returned.
I have had many, many tears and tried to understand, I find reasons that could make sense to her, but they don't to me.
As an adult I know my mother likes the way things are and I have gone for so long with out her in my life I don't know what a mothers love is like.
I am able to show the love I have and give all I have to to my D.
Some times I need reassurance that my lack of mothers love keeps me from knowing for sure I'm giving my D the Love she is deserving of.
I think my ROOTword is fear
Never being perfect enough to deserve love.. I am flawed in some way.
In the past I gave away who I was, taking the back seat to my N-husband ,if he wanted me flaws and all he was better than me, more deserving to take what ever worth he believed I had.
I let him suck the life out of me, now 1 yr later Divorced and 1500 miles away I feel life returning, there is no N-mother and no N-husband sucking me lifeless.
I'm working my way out of that pit, it keeps me busy and still a work in progress flaws and all
... OR
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((((((((((((((OR))))))))))))))) your daughter is very blessed to have you. I'm so glad that you were able to put such distance between you two and those who are unwilling to value you.
Love,
Hope
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Bravo, OR.
That is a horrible pit.
I know I found in the company of loving and supportive friends, and in my church community, a kind of mother love that has made a great difference to me.
You can...go out and find mothering, as well as mothering yourself.
You deserve it and you did NOT deserve her rejection.
Consider it a horrible unforseen accident, like a car wreck. An emotional disease took your mother away. And you get to find love in soooooooooooooo many new places. It's there.
Hops
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OR and Jacmac - I wrote a long, searching, heartfelt exposee of a reply and posted it 10 minutes ago and bizarrely it disappeared in cyberspace.
I'm too tired to reconstruct it but bottom line is thank you for your profound, insightful posts. I am going to spend some time dwelling with your thoughts. I think you are pointing me in a significant direction.
I'll keep you posted on my results.
Thanks is not close to what I would really like to convey -
Gaining Strength
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GS, I have learned to copy and paste into a note pad then use the alt tab and insert the text as I move along.
there must be a timer to post a reply.
I hope your gaining some healing with what has been shared.
HL
[quoteLConsider it a horrible unforseen accident, like a car wreck. An emotional disease took your mother away. And you get to find love in soooooooooooooo many new places. It's there.
I have let myself use the emotional disease for both my Mother and EX. now I look for my D to do the same about her father.Never wanted this to be my first choice so you continue the best you can with what you have, then move on. (I wish I could sheild her from this, Im powerless to a point)
With an N-Ex husband I went 27yrs with little support from others, ex was good to Isolate any friends and with the problems with my mother Isolation became easy. He often said No to family gatherings and No to everthing or cause unbelievable drama when he would say yes.
Now I have friends D and I are having a blast and finding all kinds of support.
Life is good (-) Ns in my life... OR (dog wants out, got to go)
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Now I have friends D and I are having a blast and finding all kinds of support.
Life is good
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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OR ,
life is good - N's in my life. The relief I have experienced since my decision to not allow the N's in my life has brought me peace.
I do not think there is anything wrong with me.My hubby and 2 daughters see the change in me and he is not in my head.
Every day that goes by I feel my life is mine.My N dad still calls me.He has never done this before.
But he does not understand the new me.I love him at a distance and my life is mine.When he calls there are times I speak with him because I know he misses the sound of my voice but the voice and words have changed he can not push me back to where I once was ,I have taken my power back.
Still when he calls there is a twinge of fear then it disappears.He wants control back but there is something else some sort of loss for him like the last thread of all that was good in his life is leaving him.I do feel sorrow for this but I can not sacrifice what I have gained.I always called him now he knows he would not hear my voice unless he called.
He is deserving of what is in his life I am deserving of what is in mine .And finally peace comes I only wish him well but I can not go back to place that mask upon my face again.
MoonLight
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ML: N's come in different types, some at times are like fearful lost little children, then they turn on you to suck the life out of your emotions leaving you empty. My ex would come back the next day like nothing upsetting had ever happen and I would let it go just to get through the day. Then he would be all sweet again just to turn around and do the same thing again.
Feed the positive and starve the negative
Your feeding : ( I have taken my power back.)[/quote
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He is being starved: My N dad still calls me.He has never done this before
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some sort of loss for him like the last thread of all that was good in his life is leaving him
When N's want control they will NOT stop until they win... if they think your winning like an Army General they will will search for weakness to move in for the control they believe you may have.
N's believe they are deserving ......of everything grand and wonderful at the cost of everyone else.
I'm sorry that a mask no doubt one with tears was ever upon your face .
I wish that mask is now one with a smile. Wish him well so you can be at peace, his turmoil is deep so deep only prayers can change his stony heart. Move on and keep a safe distance until your strong again.
He is deserving of what is in his life I am deserving of what is in mine .And finally peace comes I only wish him well but I can not go back to place that mask upon my face again.
Got to go Hope this makes sense ...OR
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To the Cosmos -
I am thankful for having a place where I can put my sadnesses out there and have them acknowledged and understood and responded to. That was a huge hole in my childhood, a hole that became abscessed as I got older. Finally, I have a place to talk about my pain - large and small.
I love that phrase, "safe harbour." I wish so much that my home had been a safe harbour and hope that my son will find our home a safe harbour. When I, even as a very young child of 5 or 6, had a bad experience at school, my father would tell me that it was my fault and that I should have not "caused" someone to be mean to me. Even today when I read Wayne Dyar's "Power of Intention" in which he says, "you have taught people how to treat you." I cringe. I really do understand where he is going with that. I know he is trying to give his readers power to change their (my) reaction to being mistreated. And now as an adult I am beginning to be able to do that. But at 3,4,5, 12, 13 etc., I could not do that. Because I like Dyar's writings and find them helpful, I simiply insert the word "unwittingly" in his phrase "you have [unwittingly] taught people how to treat you." Otherwise it is far to painful, recallling that home I longed to feel home in but where there were no arms of comfort for hurt feelings, there was no snug harbour against the storms of life. Consequently, in recent years I have been knocked senseless by gentle breezes and incapacitated by hard winds.
The world I live in expects more from me than I can produce. But tha world has no knowledge of the storms I have weathered. And at long last I am able to acknowledge those expectations and support and encourage myself despite their misperceptions.
I am really just talking into the air, and not looking for a response.
Gaining strength
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Hi GS,
And the cosmos says, that is good what you did, added the word "unwittingly". That makes it more fair, I think. Because it is true, that we just didn't know as children what we were doing that might have led to the very, very poor treatment. More blame doesn't help us. Even if it is "unwitting" blame.
You seem to have some useful tools in yourself in spite of the harsh childhood.
Love,
Pennyplant
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Thanks pennyplant -
Your words brought a smile to my face. And your kindness a little tear of something.
I'm off to take my little one to "Monster House." He will love it. I hope it is funny.
Love,
Gaining Strength
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Me too, GS. Ditto what PP said.
I love it when people do not take any guru, however talented and well-meaning, as having all the answers. We can read and hunt and find inspiration and support in many forms, but the wisest voice to guide our own lives is within ourselves.
It's a "still small voice within." (It can be defined in religious terms if one likes.) But there is a core wholeness in everyone, no matter WHAT.
The kind of work you're doing now is what helps it get more and more expansive, until one day, it's not buried within...it's consistently you, within and without.
Hops
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I'm lonely today. I've made some progress but I keep coming here as if to find some cure. So, having said that I am off to clean so more, make some more progress. Fight that shame a little more. That will be my goal, not to clean but to fight that shame. I will not let it run rampant anymore. I will continue to gain strength. I will fight a little more today.
It is so frightening to fight, to move forward. The only way I can make sense out of that is that I think that my existence and flourishing were very threatening to my father. (He has very strong mysogynistic tendencies though he masks them under perfect manners.) I think that doing well or even improving feels threatening to him and that I have so internalized him that I feel actually threatened by my own improving. It's as though I have become an autoimmune disease.
This is where I have to have some kind of affirmation some kind of weapon to keep going. I'm going to sign off now because I am presently Voicelessness as a distraction. I hate to let go but I'll come back later. Send thoughts of courage cyberspace, send thoughts of courage and aim your lasers at my shame.
Thanks - GS
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O-HO!
People who are thinking thoughts as smart as THIS...
I think that doing well or even improving feels threatening to him and that I have so internalized him that I feel actually threatened by my own improving.
...literally cannot stay stuck forever. I am excited for you, GS!
It's not going to be a constant high. Don't worry about gray days. What matters is this good and real direction. I am so happy to hear you say, I hate it, I fear it, and toodles, I'm going to clean. That is wonderful.
I think you have more courage than you know but I am sending you extra!
Habits are only that. NEW habits of thinking if you persist (and you are doing that) will eventually wear out the old. Because the old are anti-life, and deeper than your fear is a desire for peace and wholeness. Your own instinctive desire for wholeness and serenity is going to win this challenge.
Your core, whole, sick-father-free self. You're becoming your own NEW father now. The inner kind who lovingly teaches and helps a child who's found something challenging to master. And then smiles a smile that lights you for years. (And you have years ahead. One day you'll be talking to some other person who's been stuck even WORSE--there always are, remember--telling them how you found the courage to work on through it. Moving an inch at a time.) An inch is excellent and don't minimize one little step you're taking! Not one!
InnerStrength...is within you.
(Have you done any music yet?)
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sun is coming back out for you...this is just a cloud. They'll come and go, don't be afraid.
Hops
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Habits are only that. NEW habits of thinking if you persist (and you are doing that) will eventually wear out the old.
An inch is excellent and don't minimize one little step you're taking! Not one!
(Have you done any music yet?)
Hops
Yes, yes Hops - I believe that. I believe that thinking habits are the key and I am just beginning to develop good ones, kind ones supportive ones. Why I going to take some of the things you have written me and make them my own. So much better than the ones I took in as a child. I like yours, you don't mind if I internalize your encouragement do you?
An inch is excellent. I can't walk a mile if I don't make the first inch. You are right. As I was posting earlier I realized that for my entire adult life once I got behind in something, no amount of catch up was going to be good enough because I shouldn't have been behind in the first place. Now if I don't get past that then I am putting my own sad self in a double bind. Why I don't need to old N's to tie me up, I'm doing their dirty work for them. Ain't that crazy?
Oh yeah! Music. Oops. You know what I'm going to buy Dreamsingers latest release from her website - it's fabulous and it will be a great boost. Plus I want to buy a great night time CD Sleep 101. Thanks for reminding me.
I actually went out for tai chi in a park and a pizza with a guy who I have enjoyed talking with in recent years. he is recently divorced. I'm not interested in romance at this time but I loved going out and having a life. So I am in a much better place tonight than I was in earlier.
Thanks again Hops - I've got your files in my mind and I'll be opening them tomorrow.
Yours - Gaining Strength