Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: WRITE on September 12, 2006, 12:59:20 AM
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Something I have realised I have quite a habit about: daydreaming.
I've always done it, it was escapism as a child, and an outlet for my creativity, in adulthood it filled a gap for the unmet needs I had.
But I am increasingly finding it problematic.
It fuels my romantic fantasies for one thing- I can daydream about someone and fill all the gaps in our 'relationship' ( if there even is one ) and I am discovering the pain of losing the fantasy is almost as great as the pain of losing a real relationship- and certainly much greater than the pain of being mindful and changing a habit, or accepting I am still a bit lonely sometimes ( and have sometimes been lonely A LOT )
It wastes so much time and my creative energy.
I haven't counted how many hours I spend daydreaming but I am guessing it's a couple a day. It's become a fix habit, escaping. And it means I am often not present in the moment, or I am distracted. It's strange, I do it so frequently and I'm not quite sure the technique of stopping it.
I thought it was harmless so I never paid much attention before but I think now my life and psyche are much better I think it's something I'd like to stop doing.
Any thoughts?
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(((((((((((((((((((write))))))))))))))))))
You've made so much progress everywhere!!!
This is a tough one. Maybe it's almost like meditating... but if you feel it's too much, then I guess you should try to scale back. Do you just slip into the thoughts? Is there a time you could set aside when you could let yourself get washed away by your thoughts? Could you somehow set a limit (a radio alarm that turns on soft music after you've let yourself slip away for a bit, maybe).
I don't think I daydream. It seems like I am always chasing thoughts that pop into my head and flit away. Sometimes its so annoying to me. I don't know if it's because my mind is on a lot and I am just not relaxing or what.
I think some daydreaming is a good thing. If you are using it to isolate yourself and escape reality, it's the same as a drug in a sense.
Does this help at all??????
Love, Beth
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yup, helps a lot! Thank you.
If you are using it to isolate yourself and escape reality
I think I am. I always have.
You know I've had this friend I have been fantasising about/ drawn to for weeks. I made myself be very present in the moment tonight when I saw him and I realised I am projecting out all kinds of mixed messages to him, no wonder he backed off. I know he likes me but I could sense his confusion.
I just emailed him and told him in a direct but slightly round-about way ( I'm still not quite sure I didn't dream up the whole thing or it's not just a casual flirtation to him! ) that I can't date in good conscience until I am finally divorced but I am looking forward to it then.
And it feels so much better already for slipping back into reality, I was feeling rejection and panic for no reason- and I am certain it's excessive daydreaming fueled it.
I know fantasy has its uses psychologically but it's one thing dreaming, and another to fuel a hope or future based on fantasy and then feel hurt and let down when it doesn't magically transform into reality!
You've made so much progress everywhere!!!
You know this is the first time I really feel I am, that the concrete changes in my life are the solid basis of my new life; work, friendships, my family more on my own terms. Minimal fantasy!
I've noticed my son likes to hang out with me a lot lately, but it was him who made me think about the daydreaming, he commented that I never pay attention and 'what are you thinking about anyway?' yesterday, then said I was being weird! He is very perceptive about me but if he's commenting, no doubt others notice it too, like any bad habit...
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WRITE ,
My 13 year old says I am weird or annoying and crazy but she loves me .
I was giving my 13 year old a kiss on her forehead .
A goodnight kiss and she asked me a question I forgot what but I answered in my usual way and
she said "mom do not answer me with that philosophy stuff I just asked a simple question" and we both laughed together.
Being as artistic as you are daydreaming sounds like just a part of your self .
I have a friend that is a poet in San Francisco
that daydreams he gets lot of inspiration from daydreaming.
But I can see IT IS GOOD to keep our feet on the ground too.
At least thats what I am told I am quite a daydreamer too.
I guess it is just a matter of balance.
Boy that is something I am always looking for in everything.
Sweet Dreams
MOON
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WRITE
Are you aware of what you are diug in the moment of day dreaming? That awareness is certainly the first step. When you are aware that you are daydreaming you can redirect your thoughts. Say for instance you caught yourself daydreaming, you can intentionally direct your thoughts to a piece of writing you want to work on, noe necessarily to produce something but perhaps, initially, to refocus your daydreaming toward a creative piece. You could actually make a list of thiings to redirect your daydreaming towards and in the moment of awareness you can select an item from your list.
I am in the midst of redirecting thoughts in my life. It is a fascinating process. Not easy, nor comfortable at first but incrementally improving.
Creativity is life giving - it is "creating" and for me life-renewing.
your friend - Gaining Strength
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mom do not answer me with that philosophy stuff I just asked a simple question" and we both laughed together.
my son is like this too- though he doesn't always laugh, sometimes he can be mean, so we've been working on that...which meant I had to work on me too :oops: then ex :roll: then the boy :|
It's a work in progress... :)
I guess it is just a matter of balance.
Boy that is something I am always looking for in everything.
it is. You know I've had this shoulder problem, it's like I have to keep rebalancing my body too- every time I tense up, get upset or angry the pain comes back.
It's easy to lose focus on that, never mind a wider sense of balance.
Are you aware of what you are diug in the moment of day dreaming?
not really but I will be.
I think being aware of it I did it less today, and whenever I started thinking romantic thoughts I distracted myself. Told myself firmly- no dating until after divorce, and other things.
refocus your daydreaming toward a creative piece.
that is a great idea. :D
I used to carry notebooks for 'catching' creative thoughts, have them by the bed/ in the car/ in my bag etc and I think I definitely daydreamed less.
Not easy, nor comfortable at first but incrementally improving.
you're right. I found it so hard to 'sit' with anything uncomfortable- and so much of my life was hurting- for so long that I tend to try and block it out even now I don't need to.
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Is daydreaming and fantasizing the same thing? I fantasize about how I am going to sell our business. Or how my mom is going to leave and I am going to run our business. I plan the sale of the business..................I daydream about who I would put in what position. I think things through in my head. I become optimistic!! Things are going to change!! And then I realize I have my nmom in the mix and if she thinks for one minute that I am "plotting" against her she will dig her heels in ever so deep and none of it will ever come to pass. Sometimes I pray, "Lord? Is this a dream? Can any of this be Your will? Because if it is Your will, that would be awesome!!" "But Your will, not mine be done."
Same? Or different?
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Hi Kelly,
Your daydream about selling the business, or how you would run it if it were just yours, those sound like valuable ways to visualize a possible plan for the future. In a situation like that, daydreaming seems very useful to me.
My fantasies tend to be escapist. I use them to distract myself from solving the problem. I mean, if the problem is I'm supposed to disengage from an N and instead of fortifying myself with concrete ideas of how to do that, instead I think well, maybe we really can be friends and talk and have fun at work and he'll listen for a change, etc., etc. I mean that's just a pipe dream and it will most likely lead to hurt feelings, mine.
Also, I use fantasies to get some kind of adrenaline going, or whatever chemical it is that gives you a pleasant high. I use it like a crutch or drug. When I don't do it, like lately it has been far less frequent, my body actually feels different. Life looks different. It turns out that I have rarely been in the moment or really paying attention to actual life up to now. It is different to actually be paying attention to my surroundings without some other drama going on in my mind. I think I will learn that I prefer to be paying attention to real life in the moment.
Balance is the secret, like with anything you do. It wouldn't be much of a life if we didn't imagine other possibilities, if we didn't let our imaginations wander sometimes. But it's also perhaps not much of a real life if we don't pay attention to it and fully participate in the moment, even the routine ones. I would have hated to just give up my daydreams and fantasies all at once and arbitrarily. I'm aiming for some kind of balance with how I use my imagination. We'll see how that goes!
Pennyplant
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WRITE
I used to carry notebooks for 'catching' creative thoughts, have them by the bed/ in the car/ in my bag etc and I think I definitely daydreamed less.
Do it again. You will be so pleased with what the creativity does for your being! - GS
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Meant to reply to this yesterday.
Is daydreaming and fantasizing the same thing?
well I think for many things they begin as a dream, a fantasy.
A seed is sown in the imagination even if it's unconscious.
What I am concerned with is that instead of living life out there in the world I am replacing it with living in my imagination.
Which all writers and creative people do to some extent of course.
But I am now doing it with relationships, and finding that rather than avoiding pain by staying in my imagination-cocoon I am just creating it in there!
And out there too- how can I be in the moment and fully present if I keep retreating...?
My fantasies tend to be escapist.
that's it. Mine too.
But I am learning as the others have suggested- you can harness some of these ideas and use them to enhance real life in work and planning for the future:
You will be so pleased with what the creativity does for your being!
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write,
I think you hit it on the button about artists. A writer must be a dreamer to come up with the ideas and solidify them. I agree that a notebook would be a great way to hold the images until you could transfer them into a work.
Love, Beth
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WRITE,
I have heard that daydreaming is good for us. I do not know that your daydreaming is nipping at your heels so much as your subject matter. Is it possible to shift over to some subject matter that would be less bothersome to you later?
ANS
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Is it possible to shift over to some subject matter that would be less bothersome to you later?
that is perfect synchronicity, because I was daydreaming a bit earlier about a guy I dated a couple of years ago, he wasn't suitable partner or friendship material and I haven't seen him since but he was a most fantastic kisser! As I pulled myself out of the daydream and focussed on what I was doing it occured to me- it's safe to daydream about him because it won't hurt my feelings...it's not safe to daydream about the guy I have a crush on who I have to see every week because it will hurt my feelings. The latter is something I want to happen I am projecting, the former is simply a fantasy.
Some people daydream about film stars or celebrities, that's never worked for me!
The daydreams I had about working for myself as a freelance writer and musician ( and now trainer ) are actually now becoming reality, they fuelled my interest and made me go away and learn how I could acheive them.
So it's the subject matter and whether it's an acheivable goal that is important.
My projected romance probably isn't so I need to try and stop thinking about that, at least until I have had chance to talk to the guy; and why didn't I do that in the first place??? I am such an idiot sometimes...
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WRITE:
I am such an idiot sometimes...
Nah... You are, however, perfectly, wonderfully human.
ANS
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really struggled with it today- wanted so much to daydream about this guy and to waste time after a productive day's work yesterday. In the end I worked for a couple of hours then took the rest of the day off, went for lunch, bought a lovely plate in a sale for $1.49! and walked the dog; there were loads of butterflies, the leaves were falling, and we walked through a flock of vultures who flew up into the trees and made me feel like Mowgli in Jungle Book, they are such stereotypes those birds! They might be cartoons...
Anyway, managed not to daydream anything romantic or wistful or wishful, but it wasn't easy!
Just been swimming, don't think I've ever swum angrily before, usually it's really calm but I was so agitated when I got there. Told the guy on the front desk ( who has lovely eyes- what, I'm a writer, we have to notice these details :) ) that I was in a bad mood and he smiled and said 'you're always happy!' which unaccountably raised my spirits. No idea why, but it is nice to be flirted with. Now is he safe to dream about, you think? It is bedtime...
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Dream away - the night is far from the day.
GS
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WRITE
I found this on the internet. It is an excerpt from the thread on SHAME but I think it might interest you.
Imagery is much different from fantasy. It is less arbitrary and more reality-based, and it occurs spontaneously, like a dream that exposes underlying feelings.
Maybe you can switch your day dreams to imagery. - Yours - GS
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Ok I'll try.
I guess it's on a level of knowing what is REAL and what is just my projected fantasy.
And not acting on my projected fantasy, for example it's no use me working up a load of feelings then being irritated when others don't respond to them!
On the subject of workign up feelings though- I need to stop associating so much with others who do the same. A line in a book jumped out at me a few days ago: healthy people don't fuel chemistry that's going nowhere!
If my friend continues to gaze at me, make subtle overtures, but never asks me out or communicates directly- I have to get used to other people do that too, and not read much into it with regard to our relationship.
I don't think it's any big mystery why I have had so many relationships with people who are also afraid of intimacy and rejection and who get easily overwhelmed with emotions.
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Mowgli rocks!
Write, I daydream of you planting things while you daydream.
Creating physical things that you become involved with, and that stay with you.
To balance the writing and dreaming.
Like sculpture, pottery, baking. Something 3-D.
dunno why.
Sorry for clumsy brevity but I missed writing you!
Hops
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Write, I daydream of you planting things while you daydream.
Creating physical things that you become involved with, and that stay with you.
I am planning to plant some stuff out front, pots of herbs I think would be nice:
rosemary,
mint,
lemon balm,
basil
parsley
cilantro ( which we call coriander and some people call Chinese parsley )
Apparently ginger and patchouli thrive in Houston climate but lavendar and sage need special care. Tarragon don't bother.
I'd also like to grow a rose and some physallis ( which we used to call Chinese Lantern ) and a pot of narcissus for the spring.
Cooking I do more and more, very basic and from scratch.
I also started painting- watercolours- again. Not much and not well but I love it.
I missed writing you
me too!
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I've been really focused this week and got much more done.
The house is a wreck, I need to dig out that thread and remember how I was handling that!!!
This is what is so lacking in the hum ho normal routine life of an
engineered to die society.
love it!
I wrote to someone recently no one ever lay on their deathbed wishing they had cleaned more. Well maybe someone with terminal food-poisoning...
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Sovereign+Safe
That is just beautiful. So glad you are here.
Gaining Strength
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Hi
I'm a little late in posting here, but was offline for a week. Trying to do some catch-up. I have/had the same issues with daydreamng all my life. Some of it was reality based, most was just imagination. But I found that when life was really getting tough, my imagination was what kept me going. Fantasy, imagery, daydream, whatever you call it, I was told by my therapist that the brain does not know the difference between a "real" memory and a dream or a fantasy. It responds the same way to both. So the feelings I could feel in my imagination were just as real as the feelings old memories stirred up. And i didn;t have to live in the past to enjoy them.
I began keeping a journal of those sweet little dream bits i would get in my sleep of a gorgeous man wrapping me in his arms, or of being in the presence of someone I loved. When my waking-life pain was too much, and my imagination failed, i could re-read (and remember) the feelings associated with those sweet dreams. Somewhere I began to add little sweet moments that happened during the day, such as getting a sincere smile from some hot young thing at McDonalds or seeing a man alone in the grocery store with 3 little children trying desperately to appease them and get his shopping done. Just little things that made me smile spontaneously. (The sound of Jackson Browne singing "It is One" in my headphones was one).
I know the value of having the ability to daydream. Even if it is purely fantasy. It serves me. At least it used to. That is one of the things I seem to have lost in the past 18 months, and I have recently begun to see some signs of it returning. But now my fear is that ALL of my fantasies, dreams, imaginings, etc were nothing but fiction. Useless in a very real, survival sense. It's difficult to fantasize when you can't pay the electric bill or buy food.
Don't know if this helps at all. But some major part of my soul is screaming to tell you
DON'T STOP DREAMING!!!!
~DRAGONSAMM~
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Write,
There is so much beauty in fiction .I love the imagination of writers .I love to read.
If all I did was paint and read and hang out That would be cool . 8)
But I too chase around the house not getting everything done.
Mr m does not give a hoot...............
He's not a perfectionist
But when company comes I zoom around the house and get everything done.
Write , watercolors are fun. I have some watercolor pencils in every color imaginable.
You make your drawing and leave it that way or use a wet brush over where you want a watercolor "look".
I use those pencils both ways .
You can find my water color brushes every where . I found one in the kitchen Mr. m was using it after grinding coffee beans to get
the grounds out of the grinder.
MUCH LOVE TO YOU WRITE AND ALL
MoonLight
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Dragonsamm!!!!
You've got everything you need to get unstuck!!!!! Here you've written about your incredible "dream" mind. You and I could make a perfect team. You have the great gift of imagination and I have an indeterminable faith, assurance. Put them together and we are out of the dephs and into the sweet life. I love sending you encouragement. Won't you accept it? What you got to lose? Ending up where you are today?
Well you have encouraged me to dream big, to imagine big. thanks. - GS
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I have got a lot more done and been more together the past few days, today I let myself have a little daydream and the wishful thinking got the better of me.
So back to mindfulness for now!
I wrote a huge post earlier but it disappeared 'page expired' and I didn't have time or energy to write another.
Better go cook dinner...more later.
Thanks DS/ M/ GS ( ) ( ) ( )