Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: WRITE on September 13, 2006, 12:15:23 AM
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I am exhausted today, but tonight suddenly I came over all vulnerable. I want to cry myself to sleep, but I don't really have anything to cry about. Life is better than ever in so many ways.
My son and I had a pleasant evening, we've been on a bike-dog-walk then I just cooked bacon sandwiches for his supper, the house smells so cosy. He's tucked up in bed now.
My ex was chatting up a ( safe-married practice ) lady when I called into his office earlier! he saw the therapist yesterday and never even mentioned it ( again ) He's really doing well and I know he'll move on now, the signs are there and as he's warned me- his lack of empathy plus the fact we're not good for each other overall will probably mean he'll go from my life as a friend too.
I told the guy I have a crush on I won't be dating until after my divorce, and another friend who is much closer to me emotionally ( but not been heading towards romance until one day he took my hand ) the same. That's not going to be over until March 2007, 7 more months.
My latest career is soaring- everywhere I go leads to more work and is also branching off in a developing capacity as mentor and staff trainer. There are a few more habits I am working on changing, one at a time. My relationships feel in balance. Even my sore shoulder is easing up.
So why do I want to curl up in bed and cry? Stupid really-
I saw a young man and woman kiss earlier, a really beautiful gentle kiss. It was so pretty it was hard not to stare, but it hit me right away- I'll never be that carefree pretty young girl again. This morning a phrase came to me: what is the secret sorrow of your hidden heart? Maybe I heard it on the radio or something, but it's been in the back of my mind all day.
I guess mine is that I always put off my youth and took on things far beyond my years, and responsibility that wasn't mine, but underneath I believed my carefree time was all just on hold and I'd be able to go back, be the me I was meant to be if everything had worked out.
And- the deepest fear- I am so lonely in the secret sorrow of my hidden heart not wanting to even say this- that I will regret never getting to be the pretty young girl being kissed more than I am thankful for all the other stuff which came out of the past 40 years.
Because now I am the me I was meant to be- or closest I've been to it- and what if I'm not enough?
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ah write,
You hit me below the belt. I am and have been there a lot lately. I am not old... 36... but I am not young and beautiful. And, the truth is, I spent all of my youthful beauty as jac described, taking pictures of myself, looking at them and deciding I was fat and ugly. Now I look at them and I am so wistful... I was very pretty. I always caught the eye of any guy I wanted. And, honestly, I broke hearts and never had mine broken.
I think the harder one for me even is that I will never be pregnant again. I liked so much about being pregnant. My husband decided he had two perfect kids and was done and went and got a vasectomey (we discussed it briefly, but he really threw it at me bfore I was ready). I was very sad about that for a long time and hoped it wouldn't work and that I would somehow end up pregnant again.
write, I completely understand you. I don't have words of wisdom, just empathy.
Love, Beth
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Write ,
You are so much more than enough.
There are times I have read what you have written and you have touched a part of my soul that I did not know was there.
You know just the right words.And your honesty your incredible honesty well the beauty of your spirit is so lovely and gentle.
Maybe it is that things are changing I know when I am turning a corner I feel vulnerable.
But who would trade not having the capacity to feel for the depth of your heart.
Making room for the new for what is soooooooooooo better to come but still we look back. I do too............................
sweet dreams
moon
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hi write,
you are describing some feelings of regret...we all have those. Does it feel good to cry? Sometimes if it's been a long time, I am thankful for these tears as it's a relief to me to feel sadness. I don't know why..
I wonder if there is a person out there who doesn't regret? Nah.
hugs,
p bean
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what if I'm not enough?
That's it. That's the fear!!
I never was enough before - not in any capacity. I woke this morning, as EVERY morning of my life, with some dread fear, some unknown, unfathomable fear. And you have named it.
My work is set out - I must disavow that fear, extricate myself from it. Thank you WRITE, you have named my paralysis, you have named the hideousness of my life. Now I can do something about it. - GS
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Thank you so much Beth / Moon/ Bean / Gaining Strength.
Just your words made me cry and released some of the tension.
I also took an antihistamine last night- I know I've been sleeping less ie not enough lately. It says in Desiderata: many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
And the loneliness- that we will do almost anything to not face...
I feel like I just arrived at a banqueting hall and there's no one here but me wandering around with a sandwich...!
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Dear Write,
This caught me up: I saw a young man and woman kiss earlier, a really beautiful gentle kiss. It was so pretty it was hard not to stare, but it hit me right away- I'll never be that carefree pretty young girl again.
Is there really any truth in the concept "carefree" or is it simply a fantasy?
(Disclaimer: I believe in a care-free life in Christ.)
In reference to youth though, isn't it mere ignorance which gives the illusion of being carefree? This often goes hand in hand with illusions of immortality and omnipotence, as I recall. Would you really want those non-reality based qualities present in your life? I'm not sure that they can be present without ruling, and that's a very dangerous state of mind indeed, I think.
I have assurance in the existence of a sweet, gentle, romantic love even at 40-something. This is not based in fantasy, but in the wonderful knowing ... that of all the times that went before, this is the most real of all. I believe that you can have that as well.
Much love,
Hope
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Is there really any truth in the concept "carefree" or is it simply a fantasy?
(Disclaimer: I believe in a care-free life in Christ.)
well my brand of Christianity isn't yours but I do believe I am doing the right things in following Christ's example as much as I can and I do know that G_d is always in balance, it's me who fluctuates!
But the carefree really refers to youth- the inexperience and lack of knowledge I suppose...I know I can never go back to that. So that is ignorance in one sense.
But it is a stage of development I guess I grieve- I was born old and came at life backwards!
I have assurance in the existence of a sweet, gentle, romantic love even at 40-something.
I love to hear this...I do so so long for a life partner. I feel almost guilty for asking G_d for something like this, guilty for G_d and work and love of all the people in my life not being quite enough because that's just me and I want to be part of someone else too ( if that makes sense )
Love to you too, thanks for reaching out.
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I feel almost guilty for asking G_d for something like this, guilty for G_d and work and love of all the people in my life not being quite enough because that's just me and I want to be part of someone else too ( if that makes sense )
Dear Write, I felt guilty, too. So guilty that I didn't even ask. God gave anyway. Sometimes we receive not because we ask not. Sometimes He gives out of the goodness of His heart because He knows that our dreams have faded so far into the dim recesses that we are unable to even dredge them out.
It makes perfect sense to me to want to be part of someone else. I believe it is for that which we were created... for that oneness.
God knows the desires of our hearts even when we are too jaded to hope for them. I was that jaded. He restored my hope.
One thing I have learned is that He doesn't always give us what we think we want, but He does always provide just exactly what we need. I have the highest hopes for you.
((((((((Write))))))))
Love,
Hope
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what is the secret sorrow of your hidden heart?
I guess mine is that I always put off my youth and took on things far beyond my years, and responsibility that wasn't mine, but underneath I believed my carefree time was all just on hold and I'd be able to go back, be the me I was meant to be if everything had worked out.
And- the deepest fear- I am so lonely in the secret sorrow of my hidden heart not wanting to even say this- that I will regret never getting to be the pretty young girl being kissed more than I am thankful for all the other stuff which came out of the past 40 years.
Because now I am the me I was meant to be- or closest I've been to it- and what if I'm not enough?
WRITE, you said it all. I too believed that I would one day pick up where I left off. Could still be young, have the fun and friends, become the real me. That dream is what got me through some really trying times. I mean I just didn't realize, until now, that was it. This is it. To have done all the hard things and not enjoyed very much of it at all, because I kept thinking the good times were waiting for me, and ..... it turns out you don't pick up where you left off. Youth is gone. The friends I didn't make or keep--they aren't here waiting for me. The real me.... was there all along. Faulty, unhappy, screwed up.
I'm working on not having the regrets, though. I wasted my younger years resenting everything I had to do. It was like I had "pre-regrets". But now that it has turned out that this is it--I want to really live it anyway. It's not too late to actually participate in my own life even if it is not what I thought it would be. Time's a wastin'. As hard as the younger years were, I realize what a big mistake it was not to have tried to get some joy out of it. What a big mistake it was to think about a foggy goal of "when the kids are grown, when I have money, when blah, blah, blah..."
I feel like I really fooled myself. But I just didn't know. I was a kid and I had no idea that life doesn't wait for you.
PP
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He doesn't always give us what we think we want, but He does always provide just exactly what we need.
I don't even see G_d as a 'he' or a 'being' you know, but you're right, every step of my journey has been guided, time and again I have felt 'put in place' or given strength I needed.
Part of my grief now is I am feeling more and more that G_d does not want for me the marriage and family thing, I am called to something else and afraid of it because it isn't what has been my secret heart for so long and I can't let go of that yet.
I have the highest hopes for you.
thank you.
I'll try not to let you down ( smile )
I had no idea that life doesn't wait for you.
no, it does not. And we have to embrace it even where it scares us and we're uncertain- stumble along rather than remain motionless with fear.
On a practical level it's like undertaking a diet- or not. I always feel sick when I have a long-term goal which requires stamina. So I tell myself the months will pass anyway, whether or not I lose or gain weight...never managed to be goal weight yet though!
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Dear Write,
I know that you and I do not share the same concept of God. Thank you for being willing to share with me despite our differences.
Re: fear that God might not want for you the fulfillment of your secret heart, I just wanted to say that I have seen how it works in myself, that God stirs up new desires and truly does make all things new again. When I thought that I was on my own to fulfill myself, there was great fear. Once I recognized God's great goodness and tender love for me, I knew that I could trust Him to give me only what is truly best for me... that for which He divinely suited me in the first place. A pastor I know says it this way: If God wants to send you to Africa and you'll have to eat bugs while living there, God will give you a taste for bugs! This has been true in my own life and it's not been because of any great strength or spirituality within me... it's all Him.
Love,
Hope
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If God wants to send you to Africa and you'll have to eat bugs while living there, God will give you a taste for bugs!
I love it. You're right of course.
It's funny, one friend told me he battles with cynicism in his faith, I never waver on that, it's the fear of pain always gets me.
~W ( off to eat diet pizza, not bugs!)
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Part of my grief now is I am feeling more and more that G_d does not want for me the marriage and family thing, I am called to something else and afraid of it because it isn't what has been my secret heart for so long and I can't let go of that yet.
I think I am not as far along the path yet. Isn't grief farther along than anger? I am angry that I am probably not meant to have my secret heart. And as angry as I have been for much of my life, I still don't know what to do with that emotion and it gets turned into depression. Letting my feelings be and exist is helping. But maybe I haven't let them be free enough in a useful way. Because it keeps coming back to anger.
Obviously my secret heart has been wrong all these years. Or sadly mistaken as I like to say when I screw up really badly. Or maybe my secret heart is still that 14 year old girl who was in so much pain and needed for her life to be the opposite of what it really was just to get by in life.
This life I've built and let evolve seems to be more of a fit for who I'm turning out to be. But what a letdown from that youthful dream. A letdown in almost every aspect.
Logic doesn't enter yet. I know for a fact that many people who know me envy some of what I have. Good marriage, a home, health, good kids, good job. Still others who approve of what they know of my life. Hard worker, polite, faithful, law-abiding, helpful. Those are just pieces of me!!! Everyone is so much more complex than they seem, including me. And I keep wishing I could bring the complexities to the surface and know what to do with them because my secret heart seems more real to me, more alive.
Ah what a mess this post is. Your idea gives me so much to think about, WRITE. I'm not going to rush myself, though. I've done that my whole life too.
Does anybody have any idea how to integrate the secret heart into your real life? That's what I want to do.
Pennyplant
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WRITE,
don't give up hope for your desires. If it fits your theology ask that God conform your will to God's will. Then it is not up to you to mourn your unmet desires nor to change them. If opening your heart, in prayer, to have your desires conform to God's fits your theology then you take that "figuring it out" off your shoulders.
Jus a thought - GS
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Hello Write,
you saw your ex seeming to move on, and even though you know intellectually it is the ight thing, emotions take a while to catch up with that.
You also made a mature decision to postpone romantic involvement until you are more ready for a real relationship.
And then you saw someone who looked like they were unencumbered by all this adult stuff. It brought you down.
It is a lot more trouble to be grown up, isn't it! But really, how many young girls have it all together the way we all wish we had? Not very many. The whole carefree, pure, easy love thing is a myth for the most part. Most young girls are insecure, plagued by peer pressure, pressure from family and young boys, worried about what to do with their lives......just as we were!
So mourn if you must. But recognise that some of what you are mourning, never did, and never could exist. It is a thought, an ideal. Your reality is not that bad right now. Live it! Optimise it! Don't let it pass by and then mourn it too.
Plucky
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PLUCKY WOW
Being an adult and making mature choices is not easy but once we see and understand what is right and good
the feeling this BEHAVIOR brings is so much joy.
I would have to say my understanding of true adult thinking came later than some but better late than never.
WOW YOU HAVE SAID IT ALL 8)
Love to you
MoonLight
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What a heros message Plucky. I will drink from that trough too. Mourning what never was while missing out on what is can be applied to my whole life. Thanks for jerking me back to reality. There is goodness here. I'm conditioned to see what's missing but I intend to refocus on the blessings.
Your post has snapped me out of a sadness that overcame me today as I have come to understand more about myself and the world. Just in time to refocus before I go to sleep. Thank you - now I have a chance of not poisoning my dreams. - GS
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Hey write,
Can I go back to the original post??? I have to say that although I do get wistful, it's almost always about my LOOKS. I actually don't long to be "carefree." I am fortunate to have a fabulous husband and great kids and my various beasts. I honestly love my life the way it is, and I can say that the feeling you described is one I had a lot before, but not now (except that I want to be pretty again and not watch myself age).
I am not bragging here... my point is that there is a life out there that will make you happy and take that feeling away. You are just at an in-between period now and longing for you-don't-know-what. So hang in there!!!!! Things will settle once you get through this change.
What are the things most important to you in your life? What do they mean to you?
Love, Beth
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Thank you Moon and GS,
it is very nice to hear that something I said was helpful.
Plucky
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Plucky,
I hope you don't think I was glossing over your helpful info... I just had a spark of soemthing I wanted to tell write.
Your posts are great and I didn't mean to infer anything or come across as being rude!! So sorry if I did!
Love, Beth
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Hi Beth,
I did not take any offence, it didn't cross my mind. It would be pretty cheeky of me to think that everyone should be praising my little writings with every post!
Plucky
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ask that God conform your will to God's will. Then it is not up to you to mourn your unmet desires nor to change them. If opening your heart, in prayer, to have your desires conform to God's fits your theology then you take that "figuring it out" off your shoulders.
Thank you, I never thought of it like that- I am so blinded by emotions sometimes!
I have been doing just that since you wrote this and whilst I am not eaxactly clearer about my personal life I have got so much done on the professional level.
Can I go back to the original post???
I don't see why not! My goodness we are all so polite, it's so nice :)
You are just at an in-between period now and longing for you-don't-know-what. So hang in there!!!!!
okay!
Your reality is not that bad right now. Live it! Optimise it! Don't let it pass by and then mourn it too.
okay!
refocus before I go to sleep.
okay!
Thank y'all, thank you very much!
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WRITE
I have been doing just that since you wrote this and whilst I am not eaxactly clearer about my personal life I have got so much done on the professional level.
Wow! - GS
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Oooooooh write...
I've been meaning to comment on this forever....
You use the word WHILST. I love it!!!!!!!!!! It ruins my thoughts of you as a Texan, though.
Love, Beth
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You use the word WHILST. I love it!!!!!!!!!! It ruins my thoughts of you as a Texan, though.
Well I do also try to say y'all wherever possible!
In England there are community dialects where dost and canst and thee and thou are still in common use; I've always loved that link with the past.
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(My grandparents were Thee and Thou Quakers.) Lovely words... :)
Tonight, my dream is still ahead, not behind. That's a big realization. Thanks, Write.
The dream:
Long shining white hair down to my bountiful curvy behind. Children touch it all the time.
Wrinkled lips from lots of kisses. Yep, wrinkled lips. Ain't nothing wrong with 'em. Take those magazines and...(oops)....
Saggy old boobs babies and animals rest trusting heads against.
Glowing happy-looking skin from eating veggies and fruits. Wrinkles and spots...but skin soft to touch and well cared for.
Lovely flowing happy clothes. Joy in the colors and the comfort.
A laugh. A laugh that never leaves me. More laughter every decade.
A love...a man who loves every bit of old me, an old goof who will do anything
to make me laugh. Both of us keen to the absurd, and the delights of simple
everyday miracles. A new bird on the feeder. A squirrel that never gives up.
A dog with a sense of humor.
Sunlight on a little patch of spinach we planted together.
Music, lovely, floating from a window.
That's all.
Hops
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Have you read 'Love in the time of cholera'?
I got to meet Siddarth Shangvai a few weeks ago, his 'Last Song at Dusk' is about love and growing old and what love means to people later in life that is purer than the passion of earlier life....it's a first book but it has much beauty and compassion.
A love...a man who loves every bit of old me, an old goof who will do anything
to make me laugh. Both of us keen to the absurd, and the delights of simple
everyday miracles. A new bird on the feeder. A squirrel that never gives up.
A dog with a sense of humor.
Sunlight on a little patch of spinach we planted together.
Music, lovely, floating from a window.
That's all.
That's all you deserve. And I can't wait to see you get it; the guy who gets you will be so so thrilled.
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What a great page. 8)
Write, me old china:
Have you read 'Love in the time of cholera'?
Yes, is that the one where “with a sailor’s shout of ‘Every man for himself!’, the parrot fell in the soup”? or is that the other one? Either way, I laugh every time I read that, a lot. Guess it’s the visual.
Thank God everyone gets old and it isnt just a few of us that are singled out for it!
Here here Sovereign+Safe :D
edit in: Google is my friend and I am a complete nerd:
But one day he began to do acrobatic tricks on the beams in the kitchen and fell into a pot of stew with a sailor’s shout of “every man for himself!”, and with such good luck that the cook managed to scoop him out with a ladle, scalded and deplumed but still alive.
Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, first section. The parrot causes the death of {spoiler edited}.
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I know, what did we do before the internet!
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Write, seriously for a moment….a pause for the beauty of the internet itself. 8)
Is it democracy in action? We can get information from official sources and from unofficial sources. We can search for whatever we like (well, we can). We have the freedom to know, to access things that so little time ago – it would have seemed amazing. And maybe using the internet causes us (us being people in general) to think more independently. We meet all sorts of people from other countries and cultures. The web is a great leveller.
I love it. I’m seriously considering chucking out my television because I don’t use it any more. Take my car, my TV, oh a whole load of ‘stuff’ but please spare my internet connection! :D
Before The Internet: I hadn’t heard the words dysfunctional, personality disorder, even ‘abuse’ was something I thought happened in pubs between drunken men. Without the internet would I still be towing the line, walking around blind, whispering in reply to others when I was feeling at my worst? Possibly.
The internet represents such freedom and independence and inter-dependence to me.
Without it I wouldn’t know you Write and that would be a loss.
I can get real maudlin' when i want to eh? :mrgreen: Eulogy over.
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Posted by: Portia
Write, seriously for a moment….a pause for the beauty of the internet itself
Pause duly noted and recognized. I love the net and ditto all you've said, Portia.
Hope