Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on September 15, 2006, 12:19:53 PM
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I found this on www.aconbravehost.com
There are many issues connected with surviving an Nparent. Some of those issues are listed below with a variety of articles, links and recovery tools for support and research. The impact of the N abuse on a child has many repercussions which may include:
PTSD
Feeling voiceless
Suppression of many feelings to accommodate the raging-shaming-blaming of the Nparent which may result in the child of an N not being able to feel safe or permitted to express their anger, grief, sadness, fear or other emotions
Chronic low-grade or clinical depression, which may vary in seriousness from mild melancholy to total paralysis and may have an emphasis in anxiety, sadness or both
Panic attacks
Abandonment depression
Unhealing grief
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or traits
Self-mutilation, self-cutting
Self-hair-pulling
Pica
Eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia and obesity
Living in a messy environment
Not maintaining personal hygiene
Isolating
Feeling uncomfortable without dramarama
Attempting to self-medicate for depression or PTSD with other self-destructive habits
Boundary issues
Dependency issues
Co-dependency issues
Repeated relationships with emotional or physical abusers
Obsessing
Compulsivity
Migraines
Emotional and social issues connected with PTSD:
Eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia and obesity
Addictions to alcohol and/or drugs:
12-step recovery process links and articles
OCD
Deprivation issues and/or deprivation addiction
Needing to detox from years of psychological/emotional/spiritual/physical abuse
Splitting and dissociation
Self-destructive habits such as self-mutilation
Self hair-pulling
Not knowing how to feel emotions in healthy ways: anger, sadness, grieving
Mood swings
Promiscuity
Reactive Borderline Personality disorder traits
Feeling like their meaning in life is to be their Nparent's container
Feeling F.O.G. -fear-obligation-guilt as a continuous state
Abandonment issues
Stockholm Syndrome
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Can we talk about some of these? This really helps me. Some of these things are so validating for me. All my life I have asked, "What is WRONG with me." Now I know!!! Now I know why therapy has not brought about very remarkable results. I do have hope. I am so glad to understand why I have been so stuck. I really want to talk about this with someone.
These are ones that are or have been issues at various times in my life.
PTSD
Feeling voiceless
clinical depression
Panic attacks
Abandonment depression
Unhealing grief
Living in a messy environment
Not maintaining personal hygiene
Isolating
Boundary issues
Dependency issues
Promiscuity
Feeling like their meaning in life is to be their Nparent's container
Feeling F.O.G. -fear-obligation-guilt as a continuous state
Abandonment issues
Stockholm Syndrome
paralysis (listed somewhere on this same site)
The two most debilitating for me today are Living in a messy environment and paralysis, as a teen it was promicuity. I have never talked about that before - not even to my therapist. When I was in high school and college I acted out sexually. It was indescribably shaming. I didn't know why I did it. I never admitted to it even though, of course, other people knew about it. Well into adulthood I was still so deeply shamed by it. I did figure out that it was related to the utter emotional abandonment by my NPD father but it was shaming none-the-less.
Living in a messy environment I understand this as an outward manifestation of my inner shame. Years ago someone told me that my chronic lateness was a way of shaming myself. I wrestled with that for years. It never felt right. I wasn't late, don't live in a messy environment in order to shame myself but because I am shamed. Ditto for paralysis.
Feeling F.O.G. -fear-obligation-guilt as a continuous state
I've never heard of this before but I have described this to my T for many years. How incredibly amazing to see it written in this list of issues related to N parents.
What I feel is vindicated - vindicated for these wretched issues that describe me. I did not do these things to myself. I could not change these things until I understood them. I could not understand them until I became conscious of them in a meaningful framework. Now I've got it and only now can I begin to change it. THIS IS SCARY!! Dealing with and overcoming these issues is scary. I open my heart to receive encouragement and solace from this community. Thanks for being there for me the way my FOO was not. Thank you. - Gaining S
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(((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))
Scary is good. Just a feeling! Feelings can't hurt you!
I have never talked about that before - not even to my therapist. When I was in high school and college I acted out sexually. It was indescribably shaming. I didn't know why I did it.
We take whatever love we can find, even if we don't know what love is. It's okay. Forgive yourself if you need to. i did the same, no big deal. We both just needed love so much.
Gotta go. Keep talking! 8)
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Dear Gaining Strength,
Can we talk about some of these? This really helps me.
Yes, of course! I clicked on the other list several times last night, but it all seemed like too much to approach just then. In fact, I think the heaviness of it all is part of what inspired my round of silliness... kinda one of those lapses into clowndom when life seems to be weighing down.
I was a late bloomer, so my phase of sexual-acting-out was post high-school and quite brief. This was not due to any great strength or high standard of my own, but mainly fear (an unhealthy fear of God and of people) and my deeply rooted belief in marriage.
Thankfully, having my first child at 22 drastically curtailed my escapades, and yet... there has been plenty of shame.
Receiving God's forgiveness for my choices and behavior has been the cure for that shame within me, not that it doesn't occasionally try to renew its hold. You know that passage: There is now, therefore, no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus" ... well, I claim that one regularly. As far as forgiving self, I think that's a pride issue. When I get stuck in the rut of "I cannot believe I could have done such a thing", it's time for me to humble myself and say, "Why not me? What makes me think I'm above all that? If I were so righteous on my own, of my own strength, I wouldn't need a Saviour, would I?"
Another thing re: sexual "sin", if I may use that term... I fully appreciate the Scriptural advisory that it does so much damage, often with longstanding consequences, because it is a sin against one's own body. Do you know that passage? Can't think offhand where it is, but Romans, I think. Anyhow, this is not a Bible Study, just some of the things that go through my mind re: this topic. I don't believe in alot of what I call mumbo jumbo that I've heard within the modern church, but the concept of "soul ties" (with one with whom we've been sexually intimate) is something with which I've had personal experience. I have no Biblical support for this concept other than the aforementioned passage, but I know that it took alot of prayer and rebuking for me to break the ties N-ex had on my spirit. I think there's a similar principle in breaking the ties to our own inner shame over past sexual issues. It's something that was very difficult for me to take to God, thinking that He would turn His ear away from me in revulsion. He didn't. Now I know that He never would respond that way, because He loves me and wants only the best for me, including healing from my own mistakes. Same with you, GS.
I have to git for a bit here, but just wanted to drop in on that part of it for now. More later... sending you big hugs, too.
Love,
Hope
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I didn't know why I did it.
GS, I don't know what you did. I know what I did: sleeping with guys simply because they wanted to sleep with me; feeling that unless I was sexually desired, I was nothing and alllllll the rest. Why? Because I didn't know I was worth anything. I didn't value myself other than staying alive and surviving. Sex was a quick way to get 'close' to someone (it is never a quick way to get close to someone). Sex made me feel wanted in the world (because I didn't feel wanted in the world back then). What did you get out of it, if you can say and you want to say?
Not that I particularly wanted to talk about sex ( :D :oops: :D) but if you haven't told your T, it must be pretty shameful in some way? Hey. If it was legal, it was okay. And if it wasn't, well, some laws are dumb. I ain't going into that one yet but let's just say if it was between consenting adults, that's okay by me. Take care. Going again. P
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Certain Hope
I think the heaviness of it all is part of what inspired my round of silliness... kinda one of those lapses into clowndom when life seems to be weighing down.
silliness or addiction you pick silliness or addiction
Let's see... UMMM
Love that levity - I once had a sense of humor. By the time I realized it was gone and that I needed it back, I was sooooo serious that I spent 6 months researching humor. LOL - that is PITIFUL!!
Receiving God's forgiveness for my choices and behavior has been the cure for that shame within me,
Absolutely. In fact I learned alot about "receiving" while dealing with this issue. For YEARS, I prayed for forgiveness and NEVER felt released and after YEARS of struggle I finally realized that in order to get that relief I had to accept that forgiveness. That was such an important revelation for me. And has been a real gift. Now I ask for forgiveness and then open my heart to receive.
the concept of "soul ties" (with one with whom we've been sexually intimate)
I am familiar with that. I get the concept. Not sure where I stand on that but have none-the-less had prayers to break those ties. Thanks for having to courage to mention that.
Portia
You've nailed it.
What did you get out of it, if you can say and you want to say?
exactly what you said
Sex was a quick way to get 'close' to someone (it is never a quick way to get close to someone). Sex made me feel wanted in the world (because I didn't feel wanted in the world back then).
And that would be followed by horrendous bouts of depression. I didn't know then what it was but I do now - shame and depression. But it was out of desparation to be held and to be (I hate to use the word here because it is so wrong) loved. It certainly wasn't love but it was as close as I could get. I would try to hide my actions. I would have sex with people who weren't part of my every day life. It was immense shame from the git go.
But, in reply to Certain Hope, I think I am able to write about it today only because at long last I am free of it. But it is helpful to see this word "promiscuity" among the list of issues stemming from N parents. It makes sense to me out of what had not made sense for so long.
I saw a 20/20 last night about teen girls pitting themselves against each other with such viciousness. That really touched me (so I turned the channel.) We are so needy. We really need to be loved - and when we don't get that as children we do become desparate and that desparation moves out in different directions. For me now it has enshrouded me in messiness and paralysis. As a teen, I acted out sexually and then pulled in in shame. Just a terrible experience in life. But really what this list does for me is it frees me from beating myself up. I was acting out of deep, despair and need, powerfully driven unconsciously. And that is what is so frustrating to me today. I have brought so much of that which was unconscious and that which was repressed out to look at, examine, poke, prod and understand. But I'm not yet getting the movement I need. I'm not yet getting the unstuckedness. I do see signs but please, I have lived with this darkness and oppression for so long. I want freedom. I really do.
Thanks Certain Hope and Portia.
It does feel good to put this out there and to have some sense of having dealt with this. Now to deal with my present yuck - any suggestions there. Once OR pushed me. I really like being pushed. I have sorrow that my FOO could not, did not push. All they knew was belittling. C'est la Vie! - Gaining Strength - very impatiently
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What is PICA?
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GS,
Pica refers to the development of unusual tastes in non-food things to eat... like play dough. Sometimes kids show signs of this and I've also heard of it appearing suddenly in pregnancy, so it may indicate a dietary deficiency of some sort.
Hope
P.S. on edit... oops, I didn't see your other response!
Addicted to silliiness?? :o lol, not I. I've only recently rediscovered my own sense of humor, so I can't say it's an addiction, although quite possibly a mask used to avoid more weighty concerns at times. However, yesterday was a good day for me and I thoroughly enjoyed my lapse into levity here. Slept great!
I understand what you mean about learning to receive and accept forgiveness. To me, it's been another of those great gulfs between mind and heart. What it took to traverse that gulf for me was the unmistakeable, irrefutable love of God just drenching my life when I SO so so so didn't deserve it.
I am glad to hear that you're free of it with regard to the shame of past sexual encounters. Could the same process be applied individually to these other hurdles you face? All of that examination, prodding, and poking leads to intellectual understanding, I know. Now to distance that gulf to the heart. Do I hear you asking for a kick in the pants?? :wink: I'll tell you... my husband is the most laid-back guy. If I followed his example, I'd never get a thing done around here. I pretty much have to kick my own fanny into gear on a daily basis, so I've gotten pretty good at it lately, but this is a very recent development. One thing that really got me motivated immediately following N ex's departure from my home was my dedication to erasing his presence. I washed walls, painted, scrubbed, rented a Rug Doctor... you name it, I scoured it. There was great satisfaction in that for me, but then I'm odd :P Maybe you could make use of this method in some manner? I dunno what would most "psych you up" to get a move on, but I bet you do... and I pray that you will find that stirrer-upper all in good time. And you know... I wonder if it's not simply a matter of putting so much energy into this mental/emotional work that you're physically exhausted? When I pour all of my energies into this sort of emotional cyphering, I often feel totally drained. Maybe picture your mind and body as two entities, each on one side of the scale? Get the body moving at least as much as the mind and you'll have better balance?
Just tossing thoughts out here at random, knowing that you won't mind and you'll pick and choose as you see fit.
Much love,
Hope
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Certain Hope
I wonder if it's not simply a matter of putting so much energy into this mental/emotional work that you're physically exhausted? When I pour all of my energies into this sort of emotional cyphering, I often feel totally drained. Maybe picture your mind and body as two entities, each on one side of the scale? Get the body moving at least as much as the mind and you'll have better balance?
There is so much wisdom in you gentle push. I'm going to give that balance thing a try.
GS
Oh, by the way - not addicted to silliness but rather, "Silliness OR addiction" as in "Silliness is a much preferred mask of pain than addiction."
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Hi Guys ,
To me silliness is so spontaneous I do not see as a mask of pain any more than compassion or joy.
moon
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"Silliness is a much preferred mask of pain than addiction."
Oh yes. I stop myself doing it if I notice. That old entertainer/joker routine. Now I'm more like a Fool I hope (although not as funny or clever as fools generally were I think).
Silliness is socially acceptable. Addiction causes shame on those close, if they're ignorant. Pffffft.
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I associate "the entrainer" with my previous bipolar cycles .And now that layer of "entertainer" is gone.
I still laugh and have fun with my children .In my FOO silliness is not accepted .
There is a difference between the "entertainer" who is on and simple joy or just not being in pain.
I guess since I have been on meds for bipolar my entertainer has been grounded also I understand the "routine".
I do not feel compelled to entertain anyone.Humor seems to be more a release like tears which is healthy
moon
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In my FOO silliness is not accepted .
Thanks for sharing that Moonlight.
When I wrote
silliness or addiction you pick silliness or addiction
I was being silly, but it did not translate at all in writing. I didn't mean anything derogatory about silliness nor that it is an addiction, only that when weighed down by the heaviness of life I would much prefer to use silliness to get me through the tought times than turning to adiction to avoid them. My words needed a little tone or inflection only available in voice. Sorry for the confusion - your friend Gaining Strength
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GS ,
I guess anything can be used to distract oneself from issues.
I am sending you love and compassion .
I took no offense.I was just stating what was not accepted in FOO.
Have a good weekend .
moon :D
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I took no offense.
Thanks Moon. Heaven knows none was intended.
I was just stating what was not accepted in FOO.
I understand. Same in mine - no silliness, not much humor, no joy.
GS
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I am glad you guys brought up the topic of promiscuity.......after my first love, who I adored.......there were a lot of young men. I would get drunk and then end up in bed with so many. Sometimes I would wake up and not even know where I was!! It was scary!! But after these sexual encounters, I wanted them to call me. For us to "date." Well, I guess to those guys having sex was a date...........gee whiz, a pretty cheap date at that. No strings. No calls. No emotions. Just sex. And all we were looking for was love and all we got was the feeling of being used, not valued, I felt like a piece of trash.........that definitely didn't help with the self worth issues. Somehow I thought if I could woo these guys enough to get them into bed, that somehow I won. But I always lost. A couple of times I had a boyfriend and I got drunk and ended up in bed with someone else. Now that boyfriend has been married to a gal for over 20 years....................2 grown kids, good life. But I have been told that I was his first love and I broke his heart. I would do anything to go back to that night and not drink and not go to bed with whoever!!
There are a lot of things I have done in the past that now that they are identified make perfect sense. Looking back on my life I could never figure out why I was driven to drink, or be promiscuous, or gain weight, or do drugs, or make poor relationship decisions..............or.......or.................or......................one thing after another. I would just be so happy if I from this day forward could make every decisions based on prayer and well thought out plans.......not some knee jerk reaction to my nmom or my nhusband.........................
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Gosh Kelly - your post hits me hard. I really grieve with you over
Looking back on my life I could never figure out why I was driven to drink, or be promiscuous, or gain weight, or do drugs, or make poor relationship decisions..............or.......or.................or......................one thing after another.
I think you make a great strategy
I would just be so happy if I from this day forward could make every decisions based on prayer and well thought out plans.......not some knee jerk reaction to my nmom or my nhusband.........................
I think that prayer and planning are a way out. I won't get it right the first time but if I keep at it perhaps overtime this will get us there.
Great post - thanks for your thoughts -
Gaining Strength
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Well, this thread hit me hard because when you read about the different things that manifest themselves because we feel worthless. My ex-husband (who was raised in a worse environment than I and is still the world's biggest loser..._ ) would pull out his hair and then eat it. He had that hair pulling AND that pica......he is still living his life with so many problems. He acts real good in public - almost arrogant but he is covering for all the things that were missing from his childhood......
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Hi Kelly,
your statement about your H sounds a little mean. Do you think it is somehow his fault that he had a bad childhood? If so, and more importantly, how does that apply to you? Deep down, do you think on some level it is your fault that you were born into the wrong family?
I can understand not wanting to be with him with all his issues and the fact that he does not seem ready to change anything. I guess I am just surprised that you sound almost as if he is a big loser due to his FOO, which is worse than yours, but still, what does that mean for you (and the rest of us)?
Plucky
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GS,
Two things came together in my early 20s (and very late teens).
I became aware of how women were subjugated, objectified, and devalued in our culture. And how they (we) collude. And how MASSIVE it all was. Absolutely overwhelming, and it broke my idealistic heart.
I loved my boyfriend but was too young to marry. After him...
I was promiscuous for several years. I believe it was because it gave me a sense of power I did not know how to grasp any other way. At that time, I needed to feel it.
I flirted, enjoyed my youthful attractiveness, delighted in delighting men. I was a bold young woman.
I do not regret it. I am not ashamed.
Hops
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Pliucky: After I reread my post, I guess that did sound a little mean, but let me put it in context. This is my EX husband.......he had over 25 affairs while we were married..............a real sex addict. We have been divorced for 10 years. He had a good job but hasn't worked steadily for the past two years. He jumps from one woman to take care of him to the next. He never sees the girls or pays me child support. He's way behind...................so when I call him a loser, it's not because of his FOO but because he doesn't do his part for our children and I am sick of him...........
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hi all,
All the posts here resonate with me.
I think the biggest legacy from being raised with N parents for me, has been not knowing what I'm feeling. It is so confusing, trying to figure out what I feel. After years of being told what I'm feeling/thinking, it's hard to sort out.
I think I'm slowly getting in touch with feelings, though, and it is a relief to identify one at times. When I do - even if it's anger - I'm just relieved now. I'm so happy I have these feelings and can recognize them, I forget to be fearful that I'm angry!
Does anyone else relate to this?
hugs all,
p bean
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I think the biggest legacy from being raised with N parents for me, has been not knowing what I'm feeling. It is so confusing, trying to figure out what I feel. After years of being told what I'm feeling/thinking, it's hard to sort out.
I think I'm slowly getting in touch with feelings, though, and it is a relief to identify one at times. When I do - even if it's anger - I'm just relieved now. I'm so happy I have these feelings and can recognize them, I forget to be fearful that I'm angry!
Does anyone else relate to this?
Oh yes, PB, I do understand this. It is only in the last few weeks that I have been able to be aware of each emotion I have and recognize it as being an emotion and which one. Emotions and recognizing them and allowing them is so important because emotions are such a large part of our personalities. And how can you even function in the world at large, let alone be as happy and successful as possible, when you don't even understand who you are? (And by successful I mean using one's talents to their fullest capacity. I don't mean awards, money and recognition.)
It feels calm and orderly inside of me when I recognize each emotion and allow it to exist. It takes away some of the anxiety I tend to feel. And maybe part of not having fear with the strong emotions is that each time you allow an emotion, you have the chance to learn that you can survive an emotion and life will go on again and you will be okay. You are okay. Lately, in fact, I have taken to telling myself, Remember, the last time you felt depressed in the darkness of night, you were still able to get up in the morning and go to work and let someone cheer you up, and you let yourself feel happy again that time, so it will happen this time too..... Fear is not necessary with this new knowledge gained of experience.
Maybe my speech to myself sounds a little articifial, but to me this is all still so new. If I had learned these things when I was three or four, the way some lucky souls do, then my little speech would perhaps sound more natural. So, I guess that is little Pennyplant making herself heard in the darkness of the night. The little one is teaching the old one some things :wink: .
(((((PB)))))), you are certainly not alone in this!
Love, PP
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Hi Pb,
Yes, I can relate to the struggle to recognize and identify feelings. It is such a relief!
For a long time in me... there was fear and there was anger, alternated with love, yes, but I think it was a false sense of love, because it was based on neediness and a terror of displeasing others. Now, as the emotions rise to the surface, I'm finding that they don't demand action nearly so much as just to be seen and acknowledged. The feelings are not at all irrelevent or weak, as I used to believe, nor do they need to be considered dangerous and overwhelming. In fact, what makes them seem dangerous and overwhelming to me is when I deny them and try to keep them stuffed. It's very liberating indeed to be able to draw these things out into the open, consider them in the light of the present, and then make a rational decision as to whether they should prompt action or release. When I first brought them out, they were all making so much noise screaming to be acted upon that I ran around in circles trying to decide which move to make first. They are much more calm and orderly these days :)
Oh, best wishes on your doctor appt today... I hope you get one who really listens and is willing to take the time to consider your individual circumstances!
Love,
Hope
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Hi Kelly,
I see that I misunderstood. Thanks for explaining further and in such a healthy, nondefensive way. I will have to concur that he is a big loser. Yuck.
Plucky
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Thank you for this, PP!
It feels calm and orderly inside of me when I recognize each emotion and allow it to exist. It takes away some of the anxiety
That is really helpful to me. I am anxiety-riddled too, and this simplicity of thought DOES help.
The little one is teaching the old one some things
She's teaching me too.
Hops
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PS about promiscuity:
It's important to me to try to express myself well on this... the reason I say I do not regret it is that I don't want to feel shame at something I know I was doing out of a desire to not loathe and devalue myself. It may have been a backwards way to approach it (celibacy is what I'm doing now!)...but I was given the gift of life, and I was likewise given the female gender.
What I have carried since that first terrible consciousness-raising is NOT anger at men (they are burdened by so much as well, it's just different kinds of wounds, and different power). What I've been carrying in the years since is, hurt.
Just heartbreak. I'm not good enough? I'm second class? I can't go to this public university I grew up playing in? (Yup.) I am someone to mock or to attack or to grope or to laugh at or to make jokes about because of my GENDER?
It was just uncomprehending heartbreak. I shouldn't have been surprised, my brother's scary bullying should have warned me about the real world for women. But I also had a gentle father...and trusted him to represent the real, grownup world. The shock of how much brutality was out there, just because of GENDER, is something I never got over.
But it's grief. What's the point of being angry at half the human race? Men are wonderful. Those who aren't...were taught....
Hops
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Hops: About the gender bashing. I had two jobs where I was the only woman in a world of men. Once I was a restaurant manager with six other men on the team...........I remember one guy saying to me, "If you want to work in a man's world, you're gonna have to do a man's job!!" And then, right after college I sold cars. The ONLY woman car salesmen with about 15 men. I could try to hold my own with them but it got harder and harder the longer I was there. When I first got the job, they wouldn't even cuss around me. By the end, they were stealing my deals..............it was hard.
Plus the promiscuity thing? I wonder how many locker room jabs I got??? But you know? My friend and I kind of do the same thing about guys. She's single and promiscous NOW.....so why laugh and joke about all HER escapades!!
And Plucky? Thanks for understanding. Sometimes I just get to the point where I cannot be nice. He's an idiot and I know it!!! (But he is the father to my girls so I would never say that in front of them!)
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Ahhhh..... promiscuity....
Well, I had such an internal fight between what was taboo and waht was healthy...
I won't go into it all....
But, I thought sex and the power that you could hold over a guy with sex was awesome. I also liked to challenge myself and get a guy to like me/want me... even if it seemed a difficult prospect. I thought a guy wanting you meant he really liked you. I also wanted a guy to always be dying to see me after an encounter. I didn't usually do the one-time thing... usually I would be with one guy for a while and then move on.
BUT I always felt "dirty" about it and had some idea that I was a "bad" girl because of it. I liked and feared that image.
My sister, who had healthy attention, never had hangups or issues with sex. She was never treated like a slut; she was the "clean" one. And I was treated that way LONG BEFORE I ever even kissed a boy, no less got into sex.
Whew, this is a ramble.
GS, don't be embarrassed for something in the past. If you move forward, the past becomes a good measurement of where you came from. Also, as one of my books states, the beautiful lotus flower grows out of muck. We too grow out of muck.
Love, Beth
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Hopalong
the reason I say I do not regret it is that I don't want to feel shame at something I know I was doing out of a desire to not loathe and devalue myself.
I thank you for this. You are conveying something that is very important to me - not just about this particular issue but about any "dysfunctioning" behavior that came out of not being given a secure and loving and knowledgeable basis. This is one of the things I came to understand in my darkest hours. Society expects everyone to function as though they have all been given the necessary resources. It is unreasonable and it works against our society as a whole. Where I am strong I can help someone else who doesn't have that strength. Where I am weak I need someone to help pull me up. But society is judging and condemning and excluding when it identifies a weakness. And we suffer as a whole because of that condemnation.
Excuse me for taking a particular and expanding it exponetially. But I do this in order for me to be able to grow. I can let go of those things I did when I knew nothhing else and in letting go, I can surmount them and get to healing. When I get to healing I expect more from myself.
Just working out my thoughts along the way.
gratitude
GS, don't be embarrassed for something in the past. If you move forward, the past becomes a good measurement of where you came from. Also, as one of my books states, the beautiful lotus flower grows out of muck. We too grow out of muck.
Thanks. I'm not so much embarrassed as much as shamed. They are so similar but the nuance is slightly different. I so love your analogy of the lotus flower. That is really beautiful. I don't mind having been in the muck - (but I hate being stuck iin it.)
your friend - Gaining Strength