Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on September 20, 2006, 01:32:08 AM
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I am growing increasingly scared
The pressure at work...my job is all intellectual and my mind freezes under great pressure from Nboss
Six weeks to go before my income vanishes, no job...
Back pain
Mom failing and clinging
Daughter-sized hole in heart
thank you,
Hops
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You got it babe ((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
huge big clingy barnacle hug from old Blighty :D :D :D
getting a bright 25 yr old ready for your job eh?
I was told by a TARTY interviewer (haha not very PC of me but hey, she was! :o) young 'en, via a third party, that going back into that work scene would be a 'shock' for me. Oh yes dearie, creaking knees as I try and winch myself up out of the seat to punch her on the nose. Just kidding. i don't approve of any physical violence but it helps to fantasise... :mrgreen:
If you failed at the tasks he's giving you, what would happen? if you were much less than 100% perfect? What would happen? Can he really give you a bad reference - would that be legal? What if you went off sick with......ooooo...a broken leg? What would happen then? hey can this young bright one take over sooner rather than later? pile it on if you can, why not?
Hoping for Hops
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Don't you just HATE the major stresses of life? So if you have six weeks before you are laid off or whatever, get on the internet and post your resume (or talk to me about my ground level business!! :) )
Hopefully your daughter will come around.
The best therapy I have had in the past week is to champion little me - so I have been trying extremely hard to enjoy life. Look at sunrises and sunsets..............look at landscaping. Take walks......
You're in my thoughts and prayers!
Kelly
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I'm sorry Hops. I really don't have any words of wisdom to offer, but I hope you can find some bright spots to focus on, in between the scary and troublesome times.
((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))
Brigid
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here's some ->
\_O-O_/
That's a bra ( you can see why I am dropping weight...)
:)
Will write more sensibly later.
Pm me any time.
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Well, Hops, I don't think I can top WRITE'S bra!!!! It made me laugh, I hope you laughed too.
Laughing might work. Do you know any Irish people? I know a half Irish guy who tells the best "true stories" and it is so cathartic to listen to him tell these funny stories. In fact, he laughs at himself telling them and can sometimes barely get them out from laughing too much. So, I would say you need to meet an Irish guy as soon as possible.
Ah, the other stuff though. Well, you've got to feel those feelings too. Some scheduled crying might do the trick. We used to read this book, when my son was small, about an owl that made tearwater tea. He would think of everything sad and cry and cry and catch all those tears in a tea pot. When he had enough to make tea with, he stopped crying and made the tea and drank it. I wish I could remember the name of the book. Pretty wise I think. Well, of course. It was about an owl. To whit, to whoo, to whit, to whoo.
So, that's what I recommend. Laughing and crying. Plus, the "slacking off" that I suggested on another thread :wink: .
PP
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Okay, Hops... I'll just go ahead and "say" this out loud. This just plain stinks!
You are in the "big icky" right now. It will pass, but what a crummy place to be. What happened with your daughter? I thought things were looking up and you were feeling more encouraged.
Dig in and hang on. God didn't bring you this far to drop you on your head now. You are obviously tremendously talented. Any employer who watches the dirt kick up behind your back tires and isn't running frantically down the road after you to offer you a job is probably not someone you would be happy working for anyway.
ANS
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(((((((Hops))))))) I hope you find a good job soon.
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Just got here, Hops -- just saw this.
((((((((((Hops))))))))))
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I've thought them all through carefully and I think I'd like to choose a half-Irishman wearing Write's old bra who's chasing me down the road with a teapot because he wants to drive me off into the sunset (over my boss) and tell me endlessly funny stories, punctuated with understanding barnacly, spaniely hugs.
SUPPORT DOESN'T GET MUCH GREATER THAN THIS!
(Okay, okay. The boiled-down truth is I realllllllly want athe Irishman.)
Love and grateful thanks,
Hops
PS--ANS, see "Just a Vent Before I Go" thread for daughter update...thanks for caring.
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Hoppy,
are you in a place where there is a dole? Can you get unemployment income? Could you look into that just in case you need it? Also, you can stay where you are even with no income, right? Or with a smaller income?
Plucky
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I've thought them all through carefully and I think I'd like to choose a half-Irishman wearing Write's old bra who's chasing me down the road with a teapot because he wants to drive me off into the sunset (over my boss)
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
you can write like this and you're worried about making a living?
( and that's my best bra I'll have you know... :) )
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THIS TOO SHALL PASS
But it doesn't mean it doesn't suck right now.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hops))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sending you love and comfort. I was in the major dumps about a month ago and thought I'd never get back out. Soon you'll be on the other side.
Love you,
Beth
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:) Thanks, ((((((((((((((alll)))))))))))))))))
Plucky, if I have no new job by Nov. 1 I have to take early retirement (no way I could stay retired) for access to group health insurance...if I retire from the state I get their insurance rates for life (not cheap but much better than private benefits) ... not sure how that effects unemployment ins. but I'll certainly be finding out. All the legalities are a headached, mountains of forms and stuff but I'll take it one thing at a time. I would lose all the other benefits which have meant a lot (insurance for my D, long-term care insurance...even though they'd offer me a individual policy I couldn't ever afford it), etc.
I will have a roof over my head as long as my mother is alive. Lately I've been wondering whether this winter could be her last. I do obsess about security and need to stop it, just take care of what I can.
Worrisome things are medical costs above insurance, my dying car, my D's need to move soon for school....and some debt. Not a mountain but not easy to pay off on the dole, so to speak. I'll manage, and freelance some if I have to. (Really hate it since as you know I'm a procrastinator, hence deadlines are awful for me even though I have the skill.)
Enough babbling about me but thanks for caring, everyone.
I feel it!
love,
Hops
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Gosh I'm sorry Hops -
That's an awful lot of stress piled up so high. No wonder your back is giving you so much pain. I'm sending you courage to develop a vision all the stars aligning to set you free. It is easier to fall into the vision of the worst. Expend some energy now to envision the best. I'm going to take my own advise and hold a vision of a much better life right now. Let's do this together.
Your friend - GS
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deadlines are awful for me even though I have the skill
read that back to yourself then break it down.
Learning to manage deadlines is a skill too.
I cannot tell you how afraid I was that I would not be able to support myself or manage my life, but it really has been as easy- and as hard- as taking one thing at a time and learning how to do it, and not being held back.
You have helped me reframe so much of my life, and that is the biggest skill of all: adaptation.
It's easier for me because I do believe in my heart G_d will take care of me, but even that- I've had to adapt what that means. G_d is the river, but I am the one driving the boat! It doesn't mean I won't have to work for it or have bad days or self-doubt. It just means that everything will work out, and I will have what I need. Nothing more either- I've had to realise many things I thought I needed I can do without.
You told me to get loads of books lately and they have been invaluable, now you read Marsha Sinetar 'Do What You Love and the Money WIll Follow'. It changed my life.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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thank you so much, Write.
This is beyond kind.
Means a lot to me, and I will definitely get the book you suggest.
I will follow my bliss as soon as I rustle up some, I promise.
:)
Hops
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I will follow my bliss as soon as I rustle up some, I promise.
LOL Hops - rustle up enough for me too - do you mind? - Gaining Strength
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One of my friends is into Joseph Campbell.
He says
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
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I love that WRITE - that is very nice. So good to hear - yet again to let go and let God. Thank you. GS
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I have so much reading to do I haven't read as much as I'd like of Joseph Campbell, but my friend says his philosophy fits me perfectly and it'll be like a religion to me!
Goodnight!
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Hops,
We're all gathered around you cooing over you, encouraging you, giving you best wishes, and thanking you for being in our lives. Now close your eyes and feel the love! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
tt
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HOPS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sending sweet dreams to you
Love always
moonlight
Thank you for being you wonderful you
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hoppy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I guess everything happens for a reason.... just a lot of the time we don't know what that reason is. :D
Take care
Love H&H xx
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WRITE:
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
Daing! That is SO GOOD! This one is going up on my refrigerator. Thanks, WRITE.
ANS
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Much better tonight folks...big thanks to all of you!
I sweated and struggled plowed through the panic paralysis and managed to perform very well at work, despite the thin-ice.... I realize I'm finishing this job up with quality work as a matter of personal pride. My boss could not complain today because I've produced. The other boss walked up and offered to include me in the lunch order (after nearly 2 years it was nice to simply say, thank you anyway, I brought a salad.... :twisted:) Also, it became evident to the researchers at a meeting that I'm the one who has been editing one of our projects into excellent shape from very raw copy all along...(Nboss, who can't write his way out of a shoe, was not-subtly trying to take credit for my work all along) and that helped my wittle bitty egowww. Oddly, he was nicer to me the rest of the day.
S&S, wow. Have you always lived there? I'd love to hear more about life in Mexico. I've never been there.... (Not that I'm having sell my mother, I mean everything else, and run away, fantasies or anything....) :lol:
I'm doing fine and anticipate a healthier weekend.
I send love and hopes for allayall that you have one too, each in every step that matters to you.
((((((((((Board))))))))))
Hops
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I sweated and struggled plowed through the panic paralysis and managed to perform very well at work, despite the thin-ice....
Hops - unbelievable!!!!! I am standing on table tops hooping and hollering. What a fabulous success!!!! You did it, You can do it. Plowed through the panic paralysis AND performed very well. Please mark this in some way so you can call this up when you need courage. YOU DID IT. and performed VERY WELL!!!!!!!
I'm so proud of you. And I'm going to take it in as mine so that when I am fighting my paralysis I will remember that you beat it and so can I. Thank you my dear friend Hops!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so, so proud of you. Aren't you?
your friend in overcoming paralysis - Gaining Strength
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Woo-Hoo back to you, my friend!
You hadda clear off the tabletop to stand on it! :)
THANK you for that burst of cheer and praise.
Means a lot coming from another who GETS the extreme procrastination/paralytic panic.
Hugs back!
(((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))
PS--I've noticed the more I daydream and space out and introspect the less I perform. I absolutely will never cut out daydreaming, it's part of being a writer...but I'm getting a clue I need to balance itmore.
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Hi Hops,
Delinquent in my support, but present and accounted for at long last.
As you know, some time ago, I chose to take offense toward you and let myself get caught up in a mode of anger and judgmentalism. That's an ancient habit which I really want to break. I'm sorry that you were the recipient of my childish snit.
I've harbored thoughts in my heart and said things about you that've been far from kind and gentle and I was wrong. I'm sorry for that, as well. It's taken me a couple of close encounters with some serious fear to recognize my need to speak up directly, in truth, and then let it go, not carrying a grudge for even a moment.
Yesterday, I was prepared to leave this board rather than grow through my fear and avoidance, not to mention my extreme irritation with some personalities. Oh, well... I did leave, actually, but then I talked it over with my husband and he said that I should remake my account and not hide. Just like that. He said, don't be afraid... nobody is going to come jumping through your screen... so simply. I don't know why it seemed so complicated and difficult and threatening to me, but I'm surely tired of feeling that way.
So here I am, a bit wiser and sincerely sorry for having put you down. I wish that I had answered you directly when you asked whether I was avoiding you. Well, actually, I was ignoring you, and then I felt bullied when you made a point of asking directly what was up. How dumb of me. I'm amazed at my own ignorance. When I tried to explain that to my husband how that felt, and he asked me "why afraid??"... I couldn't even answer. Just something about being put on the spot. He says, "where's your faith?" Sometimes he is quite annoying, too :P
Anyhow, I wanted to make my "first" post to you because this is some old business that has pricked my heart on many occasions, and it was long past due to try to make it right. I've tried to keep you in prayers, but I just couldn't seem to do it without clearing this up first. Now I know that I can. Thanks for listening.
Hope
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My dear friend Hope - I am not "in the know" about your post but I want to say - I am so very glad that you are back. You are so important to me. You ahve given me so much HOPE. In my first days I asked about your name and I loved that answer you gave and each time I see you I think of that marvelous verse.
Certain Hope is such a strong, empowering moniker. It suits you. What strength you demonstrate in this post. My love and prayers are with you. I'm so glad you did not go for long - your friend - Gaining Strength
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Dear Hope,
Thank you very much. It does feel good to have you acknowlege me...and you are very gracious to apologize, and reach out to me. Apology accepted, absolutely.
I was hurt by that one message, as I truly hadn't meant to alienate you. But you know, I did learn something important by respecting your wish not to speak to you (bit my fingers not to a couple of times!). Although I did not understand, you asked me to respect a boundary. And it was my job to do that, to watch my feelings about it come and go, and to eventually accept that...it just was the way it was. I've been in Jac's shoes at times, pursuing someone's acceptance. So I did learn that I have more ability to let things be what they are than I used to. Thanks for helping me learn that I've learned!
This is an unexpected gift. All the more valuable.
Just the other day I was feeling sad about being in the same "room" or support group with you and having the rule in place that I wasn't welcome to speak to you.
So now I will, whenever the spirit moves.
Thanks for your graciousness and courage.
And I hope you're having a wonderful Sunday.
Hops
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Thank you, Hops.
I think it's very gracious of you to even respond, let alone respond so kindly and gently. I would have understood if you didn't, but I'm very glad that you did.
I do know that you were not trying to alienate me by being direct and I see now that my response to you was inappropriate and exaggerated. I just have never known how to recognize, let alone process, my own feelings, so often I have experienced only a blurred, yet excruciating sensation of being backed into a corner with no place to hide. I've been so out of it, I didn't even know what it was I was trying to hide, until now... thanks to Gaining Strength and her discussions of shame. All of that is just now beginning to register with me, so I have no firm grasp of it yet, except I know that I don't truly believe I'm better than anyone else. So when I sense my own pride and fear rearing up, it's got to be a cover-up for some deep-seated shame.
I'm glad you've learned something, too, and can find some signs of progress through our... non-interactions :? I will welcome your responses as you see fit and do all I can to respond as a whole person, not some shadow of my self. I think that may mean asking each other plenty of questions and working a bit harder to communicate than might be required in some casual convos... but we shall see. I can't quite picture it at this point, but I do have high hopes!
Thanks for your support, too. I am not feeling courageous at all, but rather relieved. After making a bold statement about how I was here to stay, I promptly deleted my account and then felt like a miserable failure. Obviously, I have a lot to learn and plenty of areas of needed growth. Thanks for being willing to bear with me. I hope you're having a wonderful Sunday, too.
Hope
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Hope, this is wonderful to see. You're setting an example I intend to follow:
Hops, I'll admit I too was a tad annoyed with you, a couple of weeks ago.
I felt at one point as though you were trying to one-up me in areas that actually lie in the realm of my professional experience, as well as my personal experience.
This annoyed me terribly... but finally I realized I was being ridiculous; I know what I know, I've saved my own life and the lives of some of my animals by knowing what I know, and I don't need to prove it to anyone anymore. So, I got over myself, and the feeling passed, and I'm glad it did.
I know that I had an 'off' tone for a few days, though. And I'd like to apologize for that. I hope you will forgive me. If you were unaware of this entirely, and now feel annoyed at ME, I will understand completely, but I still hope you can forgive me, eventually. The fault was entirely mine.
I think it would be wonderful if none of us needed to be at odds with any one person in particular, in order to feel closer to someone else, or better about ourselves. As though we must be at war with one to be good companions with another. It's so counterproductive.
Something to contemplate. Something to strive for, definitely. Cliques built on shared animosity would disintegrate overnight, and think of all the freed-up energy there would be for doing constructive stuff instead!
And I think you would make a dynamite Unitarian minister, Hops. As I said elsewhere... and I meant it.
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Hi Stormy,
Re: So, I got over myself, and the feeling passed, and I'm glad it did.
That's it, in a nutshell, I think. Getting over our selves. I can't imagine anything more liberating or fulfilling, really.
Re: I think it would be wonderful if none of us needed to be at odds with any one person in particular, in order to feel closer to someone else, or better about ourselves. As though we must be at war with one to be good companions with another. It's so counterproductive.
Amen. It's not only counterproductive, it's childish, I think, and absolutely wrong. God help me to never participate in another instance of clique-ing.
Hops,
I think you would make a dynamite Christian :)
Hope
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Well... now we need a thread on humility.
I'm not being sarcastic. I really mean it... and I've started several threads lately so I don't think it'd be right for me to take the lead on this one.
Not to mention, I probably have less relevant experience than anyone else on the board :oops: :oops: :oops:
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(((((Stormy))))) Starting a thread doesn't really mean taking the lead, does it? Sounds more like taking the initiative to me. Initiative is a wonderful quality and not a bit prideful. Anyhow, whatever you decide... this is one Bible verse which always comes to mind at times when I really want to dig my heels in and wallow in my own stubborn-ness:
Proverbs 13:10 Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.
Hope
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:D
Wow. Stormy, you sure hid it well.
I bet I was blatting on about some health-related thing. Didn't realize I was sounding so cocky though, sorry. With a few subjects excepted, overall I know a little bit about a lot of topics.
I promise you--I know even more about annoying myself, and I do!
Thanks for sheltering me from your irritation (which I'm sure was well deserved). :?
Hope,
I'm sorry I scared you with my question...
please don't worry if the answer why doesn't leap to the surface instantly, I'll abide.
(And thanks for saying I'd make a good Christian. I'm touched by that.)
(((Stormy and Hope))) I'm glad we don't do cliques.
Hops
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Thanks, ((((((((Hops)))))))))
Just so I don't waltz off into the sunset having missed something, is there another question on the table?
I'm sorry I scared you with my question...
please don't worry if the answer why doesn't leap to the surface instantly, I'll abide.
Shining the light into all these dark spots seems to be working wonders for evaporating the old fears :)
Hope
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No...not a new one.
Just that past one that scared you so.
All is well...
Hops
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ok Hops, just checking so as not to assume .... thanks :)
Hope
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No problem...
I don't want to press you on figuring out what was happening for you, since it's not my place and you said it's still kind of a scary, murky thing.
But I'll be glad to listen, anytime you find something you'd like to share.
(I just realize something was hurt in you, and I don't want to unwittingly poke a bruise.)
Take whatever time and space feels right for you.
(I'll be here!)
Sweet dreams to you, Hope--
Hops
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Lol...
Ok, Hops, I am confused. Genuinely. So there is a question? I don't feel pressed. So are we back to the same question you asked before to which I responded that I felt pushed, is that it? I must not have all brain cells firing in sequence here, cuz I can see that I am missing the bus.
As I recall, you asked me then whether I was avoiding you. No, I wasn't avoiding you, I was ignoring you. At the time, there seemed to be quite a distinction between the two. Those lines are now blurred, but I'm glad that I no longer feel the need to do that.
It's not nearly such a scary, murky thing at this point, so feel free to ask... and please be specific (lest I be slow and dense in response, again) if there's another question on your mind?
Sweet dreams to you, as well.
Hope
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Oh good.
Glad it's not scary any more.
(Naw, it was just that orginal question: asked and answered.)
I am glad the fear's faded.
I really don't want to quiz you about it,
because I think that fear came from somewhere
and I don't want to be the cause of hurting you. So I don't think I'm your
teacher, just your respectful classmate.
I'm sorry you were shamed by your robomom, and you've sure been rocking
with awarenesses here. I'm sorry you felt like leaving for a while but glad you
decided not to go.
Hops