Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on September 21, 2006, 11:45:35 PM
-
snippets from a 1992 Atlantic Monthly article
Shame forces us in ways that are outside our control to behave destructively to ourselves and to others. – Leon Wumaer (The Mask of Shame). If you run from shame you may successfully avoid the humiliation you fear, but you constantly sense this anxiety within yourself and you know you cannot escape it – it follows you like a shadow.
Because of the pressures in our society to be independent, and the punitive ways this concern can reach a child, people of either sex may grow up with a wounding sense of shame over being needy. They experience their neediness ass a grotesque infantile deformity for which they will be rejected, abandoned, or contemptuously dismissed by others.
The pathogenic shame belief seems to block the creative avenue. It is crippling.
Nothing, apparently, defends against the internal ravages of shame more than the security gained from parental love, especially the sort of sensitive love that sees and appreciates the child for what he or she is and is respectful of the child’s feelings, differences, and peculiarities. Nothing seems to make shame cut more deeply than the lack of that love.
A woman who secretly despises herself for being selfish may feel that she should not take, should not ask, should not calculate in her own behalf, and she may compensate for what she sees as her shameful self-seeking with rigid displays of generosity.
If guilt is about behavior that has harmed others, shame is about not being good enough. To be ashamed is to expect rejection, not so much because of what one has done as because of what one is.
For guilt one can find a solution. One needs to make amends. “What does shame require?” That you be a better person, and not be ugly, and not be stupid, and not have failed? The only thing that suits is at this moment is for you to be nonexistent. That’s what people frequently say. I could crawl through a hole, I could sink through the floor, I could die. It is so acutely painful.
Shame has a contagious quality, because it makes our own shame demons restive. People are ashamed of being ashamed, so we don’t talk about it.
The child’s sense of being someone who counts comes in large part from the parents’ capacity to empathically tune into that child. Without that consistent reassurance the child begins to doubt the value of her efforts to engage, of the love she is trying to give, of her being.
The legacy of a person experience of being wrong as a child, can be to feel poisonously deformed and an unlovable thing. That legacy cannot be overcome so long as the shame remains unconscious and unspoken. Once the shame is spoken to someone who is able to listen and absorb without becoming anxious, something changes. Then a person can view herself from a freer, less tyrannical perspective, able, perhaps for the first time, to feel some sympathy for herself and her predicament. She is able to see that her cruel lack of sympathy for herself is in part what fuels her rages and her desperate need o blame. Gradually she may find that she is able to look at a deeper issue of shame, closer to her core – of feeling as a little girl, unwanted, a piece of excess baggage who constantly had to prove her worth.
Putting shame into words with a trusted companion enables one to step outside it – it no longer seems to permeate one’s entire being -- and allows some self-forgiveness to emerge. But such relationships are not always easy to establish, even in marriage. Many people have difficulty listening to pain without becoming anxious. If a friend confides something shameful he is asking us not to look away; what’s worse, he is provoking us to tune into painful aspects of our own life where shame lays waiting. We may try to escape from the moment by mouthing meaningless encouragements.
The fear of being known in only one aspect, the hesitation to be seen when we’re not ready, the worry about being known by some flawed or undeveloped part instead of being understood as a whole – none of these shame-motivated concerns are shameful.. They are a natural aspect of our need for privacy and for protection from the scrutinizing, judging, and humiliating power of the social world. It’s something like a photograph. If you too quickly expose it all and let it all hang out, you destroy it.
-
THANKS GS !
We just read this together & it SO seems to hit nails on heads with whats at least one of the things going on beneath with T.
Its been as if something is 'blocking' expression of feelings. Particularly remorse, guilt & shame. Actually kinda like so much shame is layered or attached or somehow affecting expression of remorse, or apologizing. It's like don't even get to feel sorry for something, let alone express it, because so much shame is felt instead of remorse.
Built in, or long term shame possibly even facilitates shameful acts because they don't feel much different doing or not doing something shameful, so why not do it?... dunno about that one, just a thought.
Anyway... Anybody got any good links or leads on expressing anger, guilt, shame, feelings ? Its spooky timing that you posted, cos I was gonna post asking for help on expressing feelings, in terms of having a conversation where feelings are expressed for the sake of expressing feelings, rather than for some verbal unverbalised 'goal'
& Anybody got any good links or leads on getting over relationship type post traumatic stress syndrome ? I realised this morning that thats what I've been going through, it's like depression but different, or is it just depression with a known cause I wonder.
Thank YOU so much :D
-
Built in, or long term shame possibly even facilitates shameful acts because they don't feel much different doing or not doing something shameful, so why not do it?... dunno about that one, just a thought.
Absolutely - shame begets shame. I do shameful things because I am shamed.
post traumatic stress syndrome PTSD(disorder) is definitely a reaction to abusive relationships. I don't have any great sites off hand but jacmac is great with such resources. Also check out the resource panels and see if you find a relevant link. There is definitely material out there.
Tavia - nothing is more difficult than dealing with the shame. It is so painful but it is better than living with it. I am currently going through that and I think of it as a birthing process - and getting through that birth canal is no picnic but lucky you you have 2bbetter in it with you. I encourage you to talk and write about shaming experiences or unkindnesses as much as possible - once you get started it sort of explodes out, almost like an obsession. BUT be careful to whom you share because as it written above many people are not able to listen to shame. I'm glad this interested you two. This shame thing is my big issue for now.
Your Friend - Gaining Strength
-
GS, thanks for posting this article.
It describes how I have felt for most of my life and why.
It really sums it up for me.
This place is like that caring person who can listen and not turn away.
Must be that is why I have made so much progress in such a short time.
PP
-
It describes how I have felt for most of my life and why.
It really sums it up for me.
This place is like that caring person who can listen and not turn away.
I am so helped that you have this same deformity. It feels like a deformity to me.
Must be that is why I have made so much progress in such a short time.
I am so glad to hear this. It gives me such hope. Thank you - Gaining Strength
-
GS my dear.
BOLLOCKS.
You are not deformed.
You are learning about the interplay between your physical self, and the inner self. When they are happier with each other, you will befriend your environment. It won't be your enemy any more. It won't be a scary empty space. It'll be a friend you want to tend because you can project love and hopefulness from inside yourself into your space.
When I break out a bit, I have this exact feeling. I'm sending you some...
hugs,
Hops
-
Hey, GS, I think I know what you mean about feeling deformed. I have always felt so different from others. My husband has the same feeling to contend with. I think it is harder for him for some reason.
It seems to me that eventually we will each come to feel normal. Not deformed anymore. I'm hoping my husband will find a way soon to feel normal. I know that he wants to feel better about himself. He just needs to find his path.
Pennyplant
-
BOLLOCKS. Who can argue with that word Hops. I like it so much that I have to say it again. BOLLOCKS.BOLLOCKS.BOLLOCKS.BOLLOCKS.
Yep. I love that word. OK so I'm not really deformed but that S*** I took on as a child did deform my personality and my thinking and my view of the world, but I do believe with pennyplant that It seems to me that eventually we will each come to feel normal. And that is so encouraging.
It'll be a friend you want to tend because you can project love and hopefulness from inside yourself into your space. I believe you Hops. I got a small taste of this today. It didn't last long but it didn't have to. I got a taste and I will nurture it and grow it. I'm going to give it some Hug food. Thanks for sending some.
your friend - GS - hey I love the image of popcorn stuck on your toenails. I want to come to that slumber party.
-
You're just arriving!
Got oodles of toenail polish all lined up for you, and Bean (was it you, PB?) has made fresh popcorn.
Bring your sleeping bag and toothbrush and your favorite CDs.
WAT's new, puddytat, woe-woe-woe...
In the a.m. (meaning a half hour from now :lol:) I gotta get a move on.
We're having peace Sunday and I'm the worship helper person.
Going to read some things from Peace Pilgrim: I like her.
www.peacepilgrim.com (http://www.peacepilgrim.com)
happy Sunday,
Hops
-
Hops, have you considered becoming a Unitarian minister? It seems like a perfect fit, and honestly, this seems like the perfect time to consider it.... :shock: :shock: :shock:
8) ,
Storm
-
and, umm, that thug you work for would have no say at all in the recommendations you would need for this.
-
Stormy, thank you.
Oddly enough, yet another person suggested that to me this morning.
I think I'd love it.
I could check out what it takes to be a Community Minister. They have a
track that allows this. Because I ain't ready to pick myself up and just move
wherever there's a church. That's the biggest drawback to me.
Plus, I'm pretty wobbly to be anybody's minister. I'm helpful on my good days,
but when I'm shaking in my bed with irrational fears, not so much.
I am very touched that you said it though.
I am a good reader. My stuff or anybody's. Quite a few people have asked
me about it and I haven't known why. Except it came to me driving home...
it's from all those decades writing poetry, and giving readings. It's that I read
aloud or sermonize at a slower pace, and I speak as though every word has meaning.
I also look at the audience or congregation as though they're my friends.
One line I wrote in my Dad's eulogy was that (since he'd grown up the adored only
child of genteel parents): "Did this make him spoiled or self-absorbed? Hardlly. He simply
assumed that everyone was just as welcome in the world as he was, and altogether
worthy of his attention."
I'm selfish and lazy and all sorts of stuff like that, but when I'm speaking my best
self shows. That's how poetry readings and church stuff came together.
Thanks again, Storm. You musta been there.
love,
Hops
-
GS and Pp,
The notion of feeling deformed is one that I seem to have buried deep, but I am recognizing it through you both.
I believe this to be true: Nothing, apparently, defends against the internal ravages of shame more than the security gained from parental love, especially the sort of sensitive love that sees and appreciates the child for what he or she is and is respectful of the child’s feelings, differences, and peculiarities. Nothing seems to make shame cut more deeply than the lack of that love.
Personally, I'd say that I received love and appreciation from my mother to the extent that I was willing to allow her to "form" me. It's as though she saw me as a blank slate, ready to be molded and shaped according to her preferences and desires. I do not think that I was ever recognized as a unique, valuable, worthy individual... just a lump of clay.
The pathogenic shame belief seems to block the creative avenue. It is crippling.
Indeed.
I know that there is within me an appreciation of poetry, music, art... of all things lovely. The compulsive, perfectionistic drive which my mother activated within me seems to have virtually quenched all that, but I am trying to revive it.
Shame has a contagious quality, because it makes our own shame demons restive. People are ashamed of being ashamed, so we don’t talk about it.
I wasn't even able to recognize the shame for what it is, because it was never blatantly attached to me... only implied and input by withholding of ... acknowledgment.
The child’s sense of being someone who counts comes in large part from the parents’ capacity to empathically tune into that child. Without that consistent reassurance the child begins to doubt the value of her efforts to engage, of the love she is trying to give, of her being.
Never. Not ever that I recall, did my mother "tune in" or "engage" me in anything but her attempts to control me.... yet it came naturally to me to feel this toward my own children... I wonder why. They have always amazed me, inspired me, just by being who they are, unique and individual. I certainly did not learn this by example.
That legacy cannot be overcome so long as the shame remains unconscious and unspoken. Once the shame is spoken to someone who is able to listen and absorb without becoming anxious, something changes
GS, what makes a person able to listen and absorb from us without growing anxious? Is it because they don't feel responsible... like our parents would if we ever tried to explain this to them? Are they able to remain un-defensive simply because they've been loved and recognized/acknowledged properly in their own formative years?
She is able to see that her cruel lack of sympathy for herself is in part what fuels her rages and her desperate need to blame
In other words, she can stop seeing herself as a victim?
If a friend confides something shameful he is asking us not to look away; what’s worse, he is provoking us to tune into painful aspects of our own life where shame lays waiting.
And if we are determined to keep that painful shame buried in our own depths, we won't be able to hear from another ... or, as the article says, offer anything but cliche encouragements. I think this is a big part of the reason my borderline friend has had such an impact on me.
She couldn't seem to be satisfied unless she'd wrapped me up in her own shame, which thereby brought her some relief. I recognized the same dynamic at play in that relationship as I used to face with my aunt, who was never so happy as when she'd laid me low, then she could be the one offering the vain platitudes. I think I'm beginning to see and understand, and it's only because I see you, GS, and Pennyplant, and others who are actively working through this, determined not to remain stuck and also not to simply dump the mess off onto someone else. It's a wonderful thing to recognize that shame doesn't have to be transferred elsewhere ... it can simply be overcome and allowed to dissipate.
Thank you.
Hope
-
Hi 2b,
You asked, Anyway... Anybody got any good links or leads on expressing anger, guilt, shame, feelings ? Its spooky timing that you posted, cos I was gonna post asking for help on expressing feelings, in terms of having a conversation where feelings are expressed for the sake of expressing feelings, rather than for some verbal unverbalised 'goal'
Have you and Tavia checked this site?
http://www.angriesout.com/
A brief description:
Got mads? Get ‘em out! Constructive anger management techniques for children, parents, couples, adults and teachers.
Award winning site
Best wishes!
Hope
-
Wow Hope - thank you for this post. You could put my name at the top of your post and it would be my story as well.
Shame has a contagious quality, because it makes our own shame demons restive. People are ashamed of being ashamed, so we don’t talk about it.
I wasn't even able to recognize the shame for what it is, because it was never blatantly attached to me... only implied and input by withholding of ... acknowledgment.
That is the trap about shame. For years I read "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by Bradshaw and made marginal notes. Each time I read it I saw something different. So this past May or June when I was trying desparately to identify that "thing" that had me literally parallyzed I identified through prayer and meditation that it was shame. And this time I realized that it was huge, bigger than I could even grasp. I was devastated because I had been working on "shame" issues for a long time. But I had not even begun to grapple with the unspoken shame and the shaming that my FOO would deny even today.
The child’s sense of being someone who counts comes in large part from the parents’ capacity to empathically tune into that child. Without that consistent reassurance the child begins to doubt the value of her efforts to engage, of the love she is trying to give, of her being.
Never. Not ever that I recall, did my mother "tune in" or "engage" me in anything but her attempts to control me.... yet it came naturally to me to feel this toward my own children... I wonder why. They have always amazed me, inspired me, just by being who they are, unique and individual. I certainly did not learn this by example.
My mother never taught me anything, has never done anything with me - not plan a party or a meeting, not wash dishes or shop, not teach me to put on makeup or shave my legs, nothing. Yet I love doing things with my child, I love teadhing him and playing with him. I think that be being a part of his life, I am healing a hole in mine. My mother likes to do things with him, I also find that healing - she is loving my child. That's a vast improvement over how she treated my first husband. I am truly thankful that she loves my child.
That legacy cannot be overcome so long as the shame remains unconscious and unspoken. Once the shame is spoken to someone who is able to listen and absorb without becoming anxious, something changes
GS, what makes a person able to listen and absorb from us without growing anxious? Is it because they don't feel responsible... like our parents would if we ever tried to explain this to them? Are they able to remain un-defensive simply because they've been loved and recognized/acknowledged properly in their own formative years?
This is a great question Hope. The great flaw with Bradshaw's book to me is that he gave this sharing as the only way to "heal" the effects of shame. The problem that left for me was that there was absolutely noone with whom I could share. Not that I hadn't tried but I always ran up against people's inability to listen and sometimes the cost to me was horrendous. I find this place is one of the only places that I have been able to talk about this shame issue and some of the specific shaming experiences of my life. It is harder for me to share these with my T b/c 50 minutes is not time enough to get into the issue, get it out on the table, expose myself, get some kind of resolution and then feel "covered up" enough to leave without falling into deep shame depression.
Are they able to remain un-defensive simply because they've been loved and recognized/acknowledged properly in their own formative years? I think these people are few and far between, that they are born empathetic or that they develop empathy by painful life experiences. I need to unearth and expose part of my shame in huge amounts and I really need some validation when I do. I cannot imagine a better means to do this than this online forum. Here I can write and write without worrying about taking up all the time and overstepping some boundary. Someone always writes something that gives me a sense of release. I guess most valuable for me is my understanding about how this shame has so hampered my entire life, that all the forces that I have fought to change my entire life are related to this shaming. So I have great hope and incentive that in getting out all of this shame I will at last be free and at last can finally use the potential that I have always been told I have but have not lived upto. That's alot of incentive.
If you don't want to put stuff out on the internet then find someone here who will listen. I will listen by PM and there are others here as well. I confess that I thought that I would be free from the parallysis a few weeks ago. I do think I am close but I will just keep going.
When I read this: I think I'm beginning to see and understand, and it's only because I see you, GS, and Pennyplant, and others who are actively working through this, determined not to remain stuck and also not to simply dump the mess off onto someone else. It's a wonderful thing to recognize that shame doesn't have to be transferred elsewhere ... it can simply be overcome and allowed to dissipate. I get another level of healing. That my writing about shame can help someone besides myself is incredible. That is HOPE, that is CERTAIN HOPE.
If a friend confides something shameful he is asking us not to look away; what’s worse, he is provoking us to tune into painful aspects of our own life where shame lays waiting.
And if we are determined to keep that painful shame buried in our own depths, we won't be able to hear from another ... or, as the article says, offer anything but cliche encouragements. I think this is a big part of the reason my borderline friend has had such an impact on me.
She couldn't seem to be satisfied unless she'd wrapped me up in her own shame, which thereby brought her some relief. I recognized the same dynamic at play in that relationship as I used to face with my aunt, who was never so happy as when she'd laid me low, then she could be the one offering the vain platitudes.
I think you have that 100% correct. It is helpful to have a name for what is going on don't you?
Thanks Certain Hope - what a gift. I will NOT give up letting go of this shame. Acting out of shame has led me where I am now - friendless, jobless, paralyzed. That is not what I want and it can't be what God wants for me and it is definitely not what my child deserves. I will not give up. Shame will not rule my life much longer, nor yours. - your faithful friend - Gaining Strength
-
Hi GS,
I think what you're doing here is magnificent. You're maximizing the potential of this place for healing, you really are. It's wonderful.
I need to unearth and expose part of my shame in huge amounts and I really need some validation when I do.
Is it possible for you to attend some sort of weekend workshop for women who need emotional healing and support?
I ask because you said
I cannot imagine a better means to do this than this online forum.
I agree! But while this board is the perfect healing place for you now...don't sell short the world of real people. MountainSpring, here, knows of a very safe and involving women's workshop community kinda thing...that's just one example.
I'm so glad you're doing what you're doing here...(and I don't presume to think I know when would be the right time for you to also--not instead of---reach out in real life again, and not be crushed).
Just thoughts, no alarms.
love,
Hops
-
Hops-
Is it possible for you to attend some sort of weekend workshop for women who need emotional healing and support?
What a great idea. I would love that. How do I find that kind of workshop? - GS
-
I think you could call a Women's Center in your community.
If you live in a city, most universities have them.
Ask them for any recommendations.
Hmmm...other folks here may have good ideas.
Many counselors in my community advertise weekend workshops of various sorts.
For couples, for women, etc.
Sometimes there could be a Dreamwork retreat or something like that
you could try, perhaps as a way of networking to just the right thing.
I do think a good women's center could lead you to some sort of 3-D
kind of support group where your parallel healing could make what's
happening for you here become more rooted, more...possible, less theoretical.
Hope that makes sense, I'm fading.
Uggh. Monday looms.
nighty night,
Hops
-
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Gaining Strength)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are more helpful than I think you realize. Your determination to dig through all of this shame and unload the burden is inspirational in and of itself. The fact that what I'm reading you say is finally sinking in to shed light on my own internal mess is beyond amazing to me. You see, I'd been reading in order to understand you... and in doing that, I'm beginning to understand myself.
I think that's just the way it's supposed to be, only so very rare... and what a blessing! You, that is... are a blessing.
Love,
Hope
-
I think shame is a good thing. Without it, there would be no checks and balances in life. I carry some deep shame from various times in my life and it surfaces occasionally - I consider it a reminder. I don't suffer shame now... the instances would be very rare. I try very hard to live my life in a way that is honest and good (for me and my family).
Funny,
I don't think my mother has ever experienced shame... even with her house a filty pen, people asking her why in the world she buys so many things, some sexual activities I know she took part in, etc. She has NEVER been embarrassed of herself. My father seems to always be embarrassed for her... and his shame of her and his life turns to bitterness, hate and anger toward the rest of the world.
Thanks for the topic. I needed to get some of that out...
Love, Beth
-
people need to be encouraged thats all .....................
m
-
Wow - Certain Hope
You are more helpful than I think you realize. Your determination to dig through all of this shame and unload the burden is inspirational in and of itself. The fact that what I'm reading you say is finally sinking in to shed light on my own internal mess is beyond amazing to me. You see, I'd been reading in order to understand you... and in doing that, I'm beginning to understand myself.
What a gift! Thank you - what a healing gift of encouragement! Thank you. GS
-
Hi GS,
Back again here with another excerpt re: this business of shame. I hope it helps to round out the picture and provide another perspective un the un-mucking process!
This is from http://www.angriesout.com/grown18.htm (http://www.angriesout.com/grown18.htm)
I know you're in the midst of alot of family business with the passing of your aunt. Just want you to know that, as always, you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Hope
The Paradox of Guilt and Shame
Typically the human response to guilt and shame is to increase the energy around these behaviors by resisting them and judging our self to be bad. Giving energy to shame makes it persist. The result is that the negative feelings do not dissipate but remain stored away in the body until we find a way to forgive our self.
We all have bits of behavior that are dark. That doesn't mean that we are evil or bad, but that we merely are human. One purpose of the negative emotions is to help us look at some aspect of ourselves that is incongruent with our deepest values and understanding of what it means to be human. Symptoms such as guilt, shame and resulting anger are merely the indicator lights of your body that something needs an adjustment. Negative symptoms show you where your life is out of balance. They give you a place to start doing some detective work on yourself.
Taking responsibility for your misbehavior and saying, "I am sorry" to the person you have hurt is the process of making amends and release guilt. Or you can write a letter of apology. Making an apology is a necessary step in releasing guilt for past and current misbehavior.
The pain that underlies the guilt and shame comes from belief that the event was harmful to the person. The person has the belief of "I am not safe. I can be hurt because I am bad. My physical body, my self esteem, my property or my values can be damaged." While it is true that your body, reputation and property can be hurt, the core essence of you cannot be destroyed. The negative feelings of being harmed and that you survived the traumatic experience. Beliefs about not being safe and beliefs about yourself as being unworthy can be changed, no matter what has happened to you.
Shame and guilt cause a deep breach or separation from the real self. The paradox of the emotions of guilt and shame is that these two base emotions keep the person from knowing that he is love and yet the solution to release them is to know that "I am love." Forgiveness and the firm resolution to stop harmful behavior is the answer to releasing guilt and shame.
Shame Shapes Negative Symptoms But It is also the Way Home
One purpose of the negative emotion is to help us look at those aspects of our self that are incongruent with our deepest values and understand of what it means to be human from a soul level. The anxiety around the painful past can be touched into and moved through.
The shame reduction work must be experiential; it cannot be released on an intellectual level. Laughter about one's former predicament can shift shame energies. The original feelings where shame first came up can be brought forward and examined to allow a shift. Shame can be released thorough confession and processing the original painful experiences. The repressed, uncomfortable feeling can be accessed and worked through to release the shame energies. You can get underneath the anger that hides the guilt and shame to find feelings of hurt, sadness, vulnerability and a fear of being rejected and abandoned. When these feelings are exorcised, there will be less shame.
Understand that the person who verbally, physically or sexually abused you had poor self esteem issues of their own that they were trying to throw on you. Critical parents felt bad about themselves and in their frustration in not knowing how to release shame, passed it on and projected it onto the child. You can learn to identify their shame in you and know that you do not have to hang on to it. Most good therapists know techniques to do this release work.
You can learn to detach and become an observer of your own internal states of guilt and shame. You can learn to become a detective on your own emotions and behavior to catch and break into feelings of guilt and shame. You can learn not to shut down the painful feelings or distract them with anger, but to stay present and learn from them.
Understanding how shame works helps release it. The cleaning out of the global belief of "I am bad" takes time and exploration. Mild shame might be processed and released on your own using these ideas. If you try to let it go on your own, but cannot, you will need professional help. Deep guilt and shame are best done with a therapist who understands the process of shame release and can stay present with unconditional love.
You can work through core negative beliefs such "I am a bad person. I am not safe. I will be rejected because I am unworthy. I will be abandoned." if you are willing to stop doing destructive behavior. The paradox of the base emotions of guilt and shame keep you from knowing that you are love and yet the solution to releasing these emotions is to get to the place of knowing "I am love." Feelings of vulnerability and shame can be the Soul's way of saying, "Look at this. These feelings are not who you are." Meditation and prayer help release shame, as shame is a tool of the Soul to get you to wake up.
When shame release work is combined in therapy with learning to speak up and say no, to state boundaries and to share feelings, self-esteem zooms upward. The opposite of guilt and shame is to accept yourself with all your human flaws and decide to not do any behaviors that create more disturbing emotions.
We are more than our physical body and we are more than our thoughts of shame. When you understand that what happened was merely a painful situation, which you made judgments about the unworthiness about your self, you can let the self-condemnation messages and bad feelings go. When you perceive that what happened was an opportunity for growth, then perhaps you can reframe the situation. No easy task, but there it is.
The truth is that you are a beautiful person who was shamed as a child, and your mind and body incorporated that shame. You need not let feelings of unworthiness shape your life in negative ways. You are more than your physical body. You are much, much more than your painful emotions. You are essence longing to return to your true self. Shame asks you to get to the lies underneath that you are unworthy and unlovable. Use your guilt as an opportunity to stop doing things not in accordance with your conscience. Then, having cleaned up your life, address the lies of being unworthy that shame has foisted upon you.
You can put yourself in a space of love and light and hold the bad feelings up for examination. Your Higher Power and the integrity can help give you a different understanding of the early painful experiences that caused shame. Turning the shame over to something greater than oneself, such as God, can help negate those global beliefs of unworthiness.
-
Certain Hope -
Thank you so much. I was just writing something in response to Hopalong on N as Pathological Liar about where I am stuck and then I come here and you have provided the answer. I have only read part of this article. It is very heavy reading to me because it really gets at those shame places. But this is what I got to first:
The shame reduction work must be experiential; it cannot be released on an intellectual level. Laughter about one's former predicament can shift shame energies. The original feelings where shame first came up can be brought forward and examined to allow a shift. Shame can be released thorough confession and processing the original painful experiences. The repressed, uncomfortable feeling can be accessed and worked through to release the shame energies. You can get underneath the anger that hides the guilt and shame to find feelings of hurt, sadness, vulnerability and a fear of being rejected and abandoned. When these feelings are exorcised, there will be less shame.
I've written before that in recent months I got "under" the anger. Finally, I no longer lash out. Miraculously, that part of me has gone. And this article helps me understand how and why I am so tired now. The shame energy no longer is used in anger but it is tied up in feelings of hurt, sadness, vulnerability and a fear of being rejected and abandoned. It is so strange to see yourself so clearly exposed in a piece of writing.
Thank you so much - Gaining Strength
-
GS,
Did you say you go to meetings? Did you do a fifth step??? Am I talking a foreign language here?
Love, Beth
-
((((((((((((GS)))))))))))) my pleasure. I figure we each keep adding a brick and pretty soon we have a really neat paved road to health.
Love,
Hope
-
Thanks Hope - (((((((((((((((((Hope)))))))))))))))))))))
Gratitude - I went to Al-anon for many years but that was over 10 years ago. I did work the steps at that time. Do you see something that makes you think doing a fifth step would be helpful for me now? Please feel free to say so. Your insight could be VERY helpful to me. - thanks - GS
-
Yes, GS, I think a fifth step would take care of the shame you are feeling. Is there someone you trust to read/tell it to?
Please start by writing down (really) all the things you feel shameful about. Honestly, I wrote mine in another language b/c I was so scared someone would read them :)
Look at them and think about each one. Why did it happen? What was your part? What was due to an outside influence? Be as honest as you can be.
Then take your trustworthy partner and tell her these hurtful secrets. The ask God (or whatever your HP is) to take them and anything else you forgot to add to the list...
Go sit for a while in a pretty place and just let your mind and heart clear.
It helps so much... When you have done that... you can move along to some other things, but that will truly cleanse you.
Love, Beth
-
Thanks Gratitude,
I think a 5th step can always be cleansing. But the shame I am feeling comes not so much from anything that I have done but from the shaming done to me growing up with an NPD father and mother with N traits. Here's a quote from Certain Hope's info on shame that points to what I mean:
Critical parents felt bad about themselves and in their frustration in not knowing how to release shame, passed it on and projected it onto the child. You can learn to identify their shame in you and know that you do not have to hang on to it.
I would be humiliated for doing things that met with the standards he taught me but which for some reason conflicted with something he wanted at the moment. I think this act of humiliating his children came from the rage and shame he had internalized. But another thing he did was hold me responsible for other's actions - for example once in 8th grade a nice 35mm camera which he had given me, was stolen from me at school. He held me responsible and punished me. If my brothers tormented me about something, he would hold me responsible - on one occasion he blamed me for reacting to my brother's torment because I had stayed up late at a spend the night party. And if I made a mistake - there was real hell to pay and no opportunity was lost to remind me of a mistake or failure. Home should be a place where you can bring failures or mistakes and open up your wounds for examination to learn from and grow from - but not in my home. Home for me was a place where wounds and weaknesses were exposed and exploited. That's where my shame comes from. My healing will come from comfort and solace for the wounds and encouragement and support for new strategies and moving forward. As a child, the comfort and encouragement would have come person to person, as an adult I think part of it must come on a psychological and spiritual level.
Thanks Gratitude - Gaining Strength