Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: gratitude28 on September 26, 2006, 11:21:25 PM
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"One can live for years sometimes without living at all, and then all life comes crowding into one single hour." Oscar WIlde
Sometimes I feel like this lately... Especially about the ahppy times. It's like things are rolling along and I am not sure if I am happy and then a bit of happiness thunders in and passes almost before I know it's there.
I don't know what happiness is lately. I do know what beauty is. I see it in everything... from a leaf to a person to a color I happen to notice. But the beauty is a fact to me lately. I can see it and capture it, but I don't think I feel it. I am feeling very clinical.
Love, Beth
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(((((((((Beth))))))))) I understand that and can only say that I believe it will pass.
Much love,
Hope
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You depressed some, B?
Wanna borrow my HappyLight?
((((Beth))))
Hops
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Beth ,
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
I am sending some pink rose petals your way
Love from moon
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Beth OSCAR QUOTES
Life is one fool thing after another where as love is two fool things after each other.
To get back my youth I would do anything in the world except take exercise.
Life is too important a thing ever to talk seriously about it.
Keep love in your heart a life without it is like a sunless garden the consciousness of loving and being loved brings warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.
Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit touch it and the bloom is gone.
In this world there are only two kinds of tragedies one is not getting what you want and the other is getting it.
Always forgive your enemies nothing annoys them more.
And down the long and silent street the dawn crept in with silver sandalled feet.
Tread lightly she is near speak gently she can hear the daisies grow.
It is not whether you win or lose it's where you place the blame.
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
If, with the literate,I am impelled to try an epigram I never seek to take the credit We all assume that Oscar said it.
Dottie......................Parker....................Bless her little heart. 8)
much love
moon
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Beauty is happiness. Happiness is being with and in and still and being aware. Just awareness and acceptance of reality.
But the beauty is a fact to me lately.
I was like this sometime in the last year. Beauty is a fact! The facts can be beautiful. The layers of facts/beauty will build up until one day: you enjoy it and smile. And it's just okay, all is well.
I don't think I feel it. I am feeling very clinical.
<holds stethascope to patient> Normal. Pulse, temperature, brainwaves - normal. Patient in recovery, doing exceptionally well. Prescription: more of same, combined with board postings. Note: some re-cycling possible ahead: this will involve more cycles of shock: anger: denial: sadness: grief: acceptance, lessening in their impact and length each time.
Look at you! You're amazing! :D
(((((((((((((((((((Beth)))))))))))))))))))
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Beth,
Dear, I can certainly relate to those times when happiness came through without me noticing. Much of it are the ebbs and flows of life and a big part is the work you have been doing on your healing. If all we knew was happiness, we would not know how to deal with pain when it hit us; and if all we knew was pain and sadness, we wouldn't know happiness when it arrived. IOW, both feelings are necessary in order to appreciate the other.
You have a lot on your plate right now and it's no wonder you are struggling. I send blessings to you as you work through this painful time. It is good you can see the beauty of things. Hopefully soon, some of the other senses will start to kick in too, and you'll be able to smell, taste and hear the beauty as well.
(((((((((Beth))))))))))
Brigid
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Beth,
Lots of hugs.
tt
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Moon, Thank you for the Oscar quotes. I so adore his writing and wish I could have known him!
(((((((((((((((((((((((all)))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you. Not sure why I am here. I might talk to my Doc about my meds as I was thinking this has gone on for a few months now.
Thanks for the rose petals and warm wishes...
Love, Beth
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I don't know if this is the right place for this. I feel that half of me is just dead. I love my children and taking care of them, I love reading and learning things, I feel passionate about some social and political issues, I love music and beauty and order. But I can't even imagine having a relationship again. It just feels like that part of me has been cut off and at best I occasionally have some phantom pain, but it soon passes. Now and then when I hear someone going on about their love, or I read about a passionate love affair or see a movie, or let's be honest, see a hot guy, I feel wistful as if I have missed something. But this feeling is not very deep. Sort of along the lines of, I wish I had seen Ella Fitzgerald before she died.
Anyone have this experience?
Plucky
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Hi Plucky,
I'm there with only one difference...I do not know if it's permanent.
I have given up thinking I can date, maneuver and will a relationship into existence.
I know that if I get a job and Mom is at peace and I have some new freedom in my life, I might be intrigued by dating again.
But right now, I'm having more fantasies about snuggling up with a very ugly little dog.
(Shhhh. Don't tell Bagel. She's my old lady dog.)
I've just been so...devoured...between my parents' needs of the last many years, and my daugther's, and 2 unhappy marriages, that I've almost been forced into a better relationship with myself.
I hope one day soon some nice man will walk up to me and say hello. Or I might say hello to him.
But I really have figured out that there are a lot of forms of love, and if I never receive the kind I've always dreamed of, the best anodyne is trying to give love out.
(((((((Plucky))))))) I was never lonelier than in an unhappy relationship.
Hops
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I wish I had seen Ella Fitzgerald before she died.
you can go hire a movie and have an Ella night!
We have to be creative to make the kind of experiences for ourselves that we want our life to be.
I said a few weeks ago I was going to make my bedroom nice. It's never been that happy a room for me until now, my ex wouldn't even share it with me, never mind anything else. I was hurt and frustrated and rejected all my marriage.
Last night I lay in my big rosemary scented bath listening to romantic music with a candle burning before bed and wondered 'why on earth did I never do all this before?'
It's almost as if in waiting for the perfect 'dream' thing I missed the lovely things I can give myself now.
Now any more- I don't know or care if I will be married or have a long-term relationship with someone else but I sure as heck will be having one with myself!
the best anodyne is trying to give love out.
it is Hop, but I would add a caveat: most people don't have any spare love to give out. I see every day people who are really mean-spirited, who will take and take and never reciprocate, and that's the norm. I used to take it personally, now I just realise they are wrapped up in themselves and not very organised.
I don't want to be keeping score- but it is frustrating when you go the distance for someone again and again and they take you for granted and then when you need something they are reluctant.
I'm in a social group and often will go to an outing I'm not too fussed about if someone isn't being supported just to keep things bouncing along. This couple I haven't seen for ages had an initial huge reponse to a theatre trip then everyone flaked out, so I got a ticket and jollied them along and in passing said 'we can do a drink after if you like'. The guy responded with something about having an hour's drive at the other end, let's see how he feels etc! I have a similar drive incidentally, and guess what- I'm busy and tired too...but his sense of entitlement makes him feel like he's got to be the one setting the agenda where I would probably go with the flow to make the whole thing a success.
I'm not whining- I'm just pointing out, too much of this and it gets to feel incredibly one-sided.
The guy I had a crush on did me a favour and evaporated my interest a few days ago when it was his turn to drive to a concert I had bought tickets for some weeks ago- he said 'I think I'll pass, I'm doing a run next day'. No thought of paying for his ticket or my reduced budget/ will I have someone else to go with/ it's my favourite piece and that's why we were going! It tells a lot about someone when they are inflexible about their needs taking priority- call it selfish, call it oblivious, but the end result is the same: I'm going to be feeling disregarded and unloved.
That prompted me to examine our 'friendship' and I couldn't think of a single time he had put himself out. Yet he's all over me when we meet as though there's this deep relationship forming. Well- it's NOT forming for me at least!
I told y'all a couple of years ago about the family who I adopted into my life, we were all so close and I was the second mother to the kids and we're all in and out of each other's lives. Same thing happened there. At first I loved them all so much I didn't notice that it wasn't reciprocal. We were all having a difficult time and we leaned on each other. Then the second Christmas I realised that though I spent many hours putting together the kids Christmas presents I didn't receive anything from one of them in return, the funny thing was I had suggested they make me desk pots for pens etc, knowing they didn't have much money. No, they couldn't be bothered. I remember talking to Portia about it, and realising- they don't really care. It won't matter how much I love them, they are just taking advantage. After that I was more mindful and realised that not only were they not going to respond- they actually thought I was a soft touch and were disrespectful of me and, what hurt in particular- mean to my son, who had been saying little things for ages that I had been disregarding!
I'm no less loving now- just more selective about who I love. I've found a big outlet for that in work, and I am starting another volunteer project next month with children of homeless families.
Sorry, that turned into an outpouring then. It's something I've had to accept and move on about, the way people will just take and take you for granted. I hate playing games but I am finding being less available and backing off when people are selfish is the only way to stop relationships becoming totally one-sided with some people.
Sometimes I don't mind the one-sidedness, like with my housebound aunt who really is incredibly needy and selfish in truth but it doesn't matter- it's just an act of kindness to respond to her many letters knowing that she's lonely etc. and I hope someone would do the same for me in the same circumstances.
But if I want to build reciprocal relationships- I am realising the unconditional love route can be disappointing if the other person simply slips into taking it for granted and is deep down going to be a needy spoilt brat!
End of rant...
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Yes WRITE
Last night I lay in my big rosemary scented bath listening to romantic music with a candle burning before bed and wondered 'why on earth did I never do all this before?'
It's almost as if in waiting for the perfect 'dream' thing I missed the lovely things I can give myself now.
Good for you - what a lovely night. I see how powerful this is - waiting v doing. I am in this place psychologically - waiting to be released, waiting to be built up, waiting to be sanctified and supported. But I must do this for myself - and yet I must be stuck in infancy because to do so somehow seems life threatening rather than life giving. I am reliving this wretchedness. I hope this is part of the processs of going through.
I am so glad that you are claiming your life for yourself. Your experience with your "crush" sounds disappointing but freeing. It sounds like you are actually growing away from those who cannot see beyond their own toes, becoming whole and soon your sights will look towards those who are more wholly integrated. I'm celebrating your recognition of this before you really engaged. Look at the difference between what happened with him and what happened with the family you were 2nd mother to.
"That prompted me to examine our 'friendship' and I couldn't think of a single time he had put himself out. Yet he's all over me when we meet as though there's this deep relationship forming. Well- it's NOT forming for me at least!"
You saw this guy for what he is before you really connected. You saw that family for who they are but only after being fully engaged. That seems like tremendous growth WRITE. It suggests so strongly that you have discovered where NOT to look and I think this is a precursor to finding where TO look. This is a good day - your friend in faith for a new future - Gaining Strength
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WRITE,
It is good to see spelled out how you have identified the one-sidedness of some of your relationships and how you have learned to disengage and stop being taken advantage of when it is unfair. It makes me feel like I can learn to do this as well. It seems empowering too.
Pennyplant
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Hear, hear, Write!
(And wonderful observation, GS, about Write being farther along the curve in recognizing lack of reciprocity SOONER.)
I totally agree, Write. Giving love out, I finally figured out, doesn't mean doing that indiscriminantly or giving it to users (except in the abstract). Your example of helping homeless kids is exactly perfect. I think it's altruistic love (giving love in a setting where there's no possibility of return considerations except possibly gratitude) is the kind that makes one feel better.
I think some people find after a steady habit of that, that they recognize a healthy and reciprocal relationship more easily. It's as though all that practical altruism "tunes" them for spotting reciprocity and healthiness in another being more readily...and they naturally are uninterested in being used.
Hops
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Thank you.
I think I am still working out how the mechanics of relationships are going to work for me.
I believe a relationship is two people moving their lives in line with each other, so if it's one-sided the person who is doing the more has a choice of hang in there or back off- but not move closer!
I do know what beauty is. I see it in everything... from a leaf to a person to a color I happen to notice. But the beauty is a fact to me lately. I can see it and capture it, but I don't think I feel it. I am feeling very clinical.
that's exactly it- emotion cuts off when things are painful or ambivalent.
I too FEEL CLINICAL to have all this love and to put up a barrier and not move toward the other person the way I would free a trapped animal or try to paint a leaf, instinctively with no thought of me.
But that doesn't work where reciprocity is required I don't think: I don't need the adoration of someone rescued or to gaze upon someone as though they are a beauriful object.
Does it make sense?
If the other person were full of love also though so we were both moving toward the other and caring about the other it might be more satisfactory? My Buddhist friend is very like this and we have become very close in the same time my crush has been doing this dance back and forward and never moving any ground.
That's what it feels like actually- a kind of negotiation, the Judith Sils book says it's to get a balance between intimacy and engulfment.
But I think it's also because people see things superficially: extracting the maximum advantage from a situation without committing to it really. It's cultural: I am entitled therefore why should I give unless I am sure it will bring me material rewards.
I've sort-of gone beyond this really, I don't care if my partner is super-cute, or what he earns, or if we'll fit into a category someone else defines....it's the intimacy of two people aligning themselves and growing together which attracts and intrigues me.
My friend yesterday who has been married to 2 guys now and the second time is going sour said 'I'll marry for money next time' and I didn't say anything but she actually married for money this time, because her first husband was unreliable that way. Her second husband has taken on board everything she instructed him on that, but he doesn't want to be faithful! She told me she would not have sex with him until she was certain it was leading to marriage, she was very formulaic about it, what she wanted and she wasn't budging until it was what she got. From the outside I can see the frustration of her husband now, who believes he is giving her that and the intimacy they have not explored together ( which she thinks will make her weak and vulnerable ) he is looking for elsewhere. Because you can't manipulate someone into that, or control it. That's what I meant when I said 'love goes where it will'. It empowers the other and hopefully it empowers them to love you the way you want them to. But like with my ex- it just empowered him to start loving himself, which was what he needed but he still didn't want the intimacy I was seeking with me....
being farther along the curve in recognizing lack of reciprocity SOONER
which is why I can't go back, and the love which has developed with my Buddhist friend is showing me this in many ways, I can feel a shift in reality almost physically when I am with him because I never had this degree of being with someone before. Of understanding and being understood. And not worrying where the love will go or trying to make it into anything ( romance/ not romance etc ) other than love.
they naturally are uninterested in being used.
it's interesting Hop, because somehow when we start preconceiving and trying to control it and decide what we are to each other a distance occurs.
I don't want to be like my friend and start to believe i have a formula for 'getting what I want' because I don't, and anyway what's that phrase 'be careful what you wish for...'
Oh, this just arrived in my inbox as I type:
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Plato
He also said: there is no such thing as a lover's oath!