Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on September 28, 2006, 07:35:53 PM
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DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you.
What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.
When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
Don't take anything personally because by taking things personally
you set yourself up to suffer for nothing. Humans are addicted to
suffering at different levels and to different degrees, and we
support each other in maintaining these addiction. Humans agree to
help each other suffer. If you have the need to be abused, you
will find it easy to be abused by others. Likewise, if you are with people
who need to suffer, something in you makes you abuse them. It is
as if they have a note on their back that says, "Please kick me." They
are asking for justification for their suffering. Their addiction to suffereing
is nothing but an agreement that is reinforced every day.
from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
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jacmac
I'm so glad this meant something for you. I posted it a few days ago under a different topic name but it got little traffic and NO responses. I really thought you might like it and I thought about sending it to you in a PM but decided to give it a better topic title. I think as I am able to implement this that it will really make a difference. There is another powerful line under this same chapter that I will post after bambino gets to sleep.
So glad to be here. So sure we can undo these dark ways taught us. There would be no hope for me otherwise and people who are wiser than I believe that wounded lives can be redeemed. Life would make no sense otherwise. I choose to believe. My heart is open for the teacher to come and the teacher has been coming in spades to me lately - here at Voicelessness, in books, real time people. They are coming and I have hope. I can't wait for the day when I can post that the paralysis has lifted. It truly feels close.
your dear friend - Gaining Strength
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Gaining Strength,
Reading this caused me to flash on some lyrics NPD ex used to quote, from the song "Sweet Dreams"... this part:
Everybody's looking for something
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused
I just looked them up online to be sure to get them correct and found the last verse, of which I wasn't even aware:
I'm gonna use you and abuse you
I'm gonna know what's inside
Gonna use you and abuse you
I'm gonna know what's inside you
Now I understand why these lyrics resonated with him.
Do you know what this "Don't Take Anything Personally" would do in the hands of N?
It would give him/her free license, I think. I can hear it now:
Miss Target: "N, the way you are speaking to me is abusive and I won't listen or respond to anymore."
N: "Oh no, that is YOUR reality, your dream, Miss Target, and you are projecting it onto me. I am all right and good, don't you know? You are the one who is abusive for refusing to hear me."
Miss Target: "N, I am going to leave you then, because I do not want to be the object of this sort of mental abuse."
N: "You are so cold, Miss Target, projecting your rubbish onto me. You surely do not care about me or you would not act like you're immune to me feelings. You say that I am abusive, but you're the one who's abusive and you need to grow up and stop projecting your problems onto me."
:?
Hope
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Hi CH:
Even if you don't take it personally, you can still refuse to take it.
Hops
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Hops,
Even if you don't take it personally, you can still refuse to take it.
Very true. Good point. Thanks.
I hope you'll feel better tomorrow... don't forget your sunny light.
Hope
P.S. on edit ~ Teartracks, I like that song so much. I like Rascal Flatts, too, but you know that guy Geoff Moore sings it better, I think.
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Certain Hope
I think Hops has the significance well stated.
Even if you don't take it personally, you can still refuse to take it.
This isn't a message for abusers to use, it is a message for the abused to defend against the abuser.
GS
OK here's some more from the book which I think goes to your point Certain Hope
Whereever you go you will find people lying to you, and as your awareness grows, you will notice that you also lie to yourself. Do not expect people to tell you the truth because they lie to themselves. You have to trust yourself and choose to believe or not to believe what someone says to you.
When we really see other people as they are without taking it personally,we can never be hurt by what they say or do. Even if others lie to you, it is okay. They are lying to you because they are afraid. They are afraid that you will discover that they are not perfect. If others say one thing and do another, you are lying to yourself if you don't listen to their actions.
When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personnally, you avoid many upsets in your life. Your anger, jealousy, and envy will disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you don't take things personally.
There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. You become immune to black magicians, and no spell can affect you regardless of how strong it may be. The whole world can gossip about you, and if you don't take it personally you are immune. Someone can intentionally send emotional poison, and if you don't take it personally, you will not eat it. When you don't take the emotional poison, it becomes even worse in the sender, but not in you.
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When you don't take the emotional poison, it becomes even worse in the sender, but not in you.
I have experienced this from both sides. I have tried to poison people in situations where I was certain they were wrong and when they simply ignored my (true) charges everryone ignored me as I seethed. But I have also taken on poison that someone sent unjustifiably and argued and railed against it while the false accuser went merrily on.
For years I have puzzled over these "unfair" experiences and noticed other examples in the world arena but I have never understood what was happening. That's why this material is SOOO helpful to me. It makes sense and it explains what heretofore was confusing and painful.
This philosophy sort of goes against the grain but I see its value and hope that others want to talk about it in the abstract and as applies to our lives. By the way the first agreement is BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD. And that is the most important of all. Boy have I fallen short on that!!! But I am called to reform.
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Dear GS,
Thanks for posting some more of this, especially:
When we really see other people as they are without taking it personally,we can never be hurt by what they say or do.
I do understand it. This principle really removes the pressure by not leaving room for us to be taken hostage emotionally by another.
In the past, I went from zero experience with emotional intimacy to N, who instructed me that intimacy meant I was responsible for his feelings.
It was my refusal to accept that lie which allowed me to survive my marriage to him.
I do not believe that it is up to me to "make" anyone "feel better".
N would get convicted about his own poor behavior, become morose, and then demand that I stop making him feel bad, when I had done/said absolutely nothing to cause his pain. I couldn't even mow the lawn because that would make him "feel" bad (if all he wanted to do was sit on his fanny). If I dared to express a view ~ for instance, that his plan to drive a junk vehicle 900 miles may not pan out because the vehicle wasn't up to snuff ~ I had committed a gross atrocity against his sensitivity = the equivalent of calling him an idiotic loser. If I suggested that it might be a good idea to call a relative before just dropping in on them at dinnertime (again), he'd rage about how I thought I was so perfect and HIS family didn't REQUIRE him to ever announce HIS plans, because ... well, you know, he's "speshul". Bottom line always ~ he's right, he's the best, he's never wrong, and he deserves absolute understanding, tolerance, and respect... especially for his (self-pitying) feelings. The only way to get along with such an individual is to be a perpetual cheerleader and never, ever have a mind of your own. When it's humanly impossible to continue in this way, she/he tells you that you must have been lying all along because if you truly cared, you'd never suggest that she/he might be wrong.
You become immune to black magicians, and no spell can affect you regardless of how strong it may be.
Amen!
When you don't take the emotional poison, it becomes even worse in the sender, but not in you.
I've experienced this also, GS, from both sides. Sulking, instead of speaking up with my own thoughts and feelings, did indeed cause the poison to become even worse in me. This only nurtured anger and unforgiveness as I stewed over all of the things which I felt I couldn't express.
How have you tried to poison people, GS? By silent seething? If you want to share, of course.
I've taken in the poison of others, as well... like Elizabeth in that thread I posted on Learned Optimism... shouldering all of the blame for something that was not my responsibility, assuming that I, after all, simply must be wrong. I didn't argue and rail against it, except inwardly. I was absolutely without voice for most of my life.
Re: Be Impeccable With Your Word ~ as in... Say what you mean and mean what you say? Since finding my voice, I've often spoken too soon, with too much emotion and far too little thought. Impulsivity is another issue... lots to reform.
Initially, this philosophy did go against the grain for me, because I could only picture it in the hands of N, used as a tool to deny and deflect all accountability. Trying to see a more rounded view of it now. Looking forward to hearing more from you, GS.
Hope
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Dear Jac , I too was labeled still am ...........................
Example If one were told by a parent that you are a doormat and have no self esteem and this comes at the same time as speaking up about the abuse
I have experienced what do ya think?
I think its about the parent.But to busy being happy about the insights that I have received here .
I believe I am learning who's stuff is whose .It has been easier to "not take things personally"
than I thought and it is getting easier and easier.
moon
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How have you tried to poison people, GS? By silent seething? If you want to share, of course.
Oh yes - in so many ways - through gossip, because of jealousy and resentment. Pointing out the flaws of someone who has just had something good happen in their life. Of course the people I point it out to would rather celebrate the good than get in the ditch with me and so I was left stewing in my resentment since noone else would take it on.
But for me I am getting at the issue of having taken on that stuff of my father in order to be in relationship with him. To simply be his daughter. I have moved out of dealing with the large issue of shame and into a segment of it - condemnation because of inadequacy and the resulting anxiety. I'm glad to be making this move because it suggests progress in healing but it is so horrifically painful. I go to sleep in raw anxiety and wake in it. I think that if I could somehow disconect from "relationship" with my father then I could get out of this condemnation for inadequacy which really belongs to him and really before him to his father and on up the line. I'm not inadequate but I took it on and his condemnation to. So I hope to figure out how to apply this "Don't take anything personally" to my situation. I get that I accepted my father's condemnation in order to connect to him - how perverse. I don't know how to turn it loose. Perhaps I can work through this as I have seen others do here at Voicelessness.
I have to get dressed and take bambino to soccer but the anxiety is so dreadful I want to curl up in a ball and pull the covers over my head for a while. This is big yuck. Can't go around it - gotta go through it. - still believe I'm Gaining Strength Wishing you guys could pull me out of this mire.
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GS,
Wow! I agree with this. I am of the belief that I have created the world in which I am living in. This was not an easy awareness to come to because it forced me to be accountable for my life and all the times I have been victimized by others. But, claiming my part has freed me in countless ways. I now have a choice as to whether or not to participate in these old tales. On my good days, I am choosing to create a different reality.
ANS
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Yes ANS, that's it isn't it. This is empowering rather than defeating. I find it inexorably painful to process but I see the ultimate freedom that it offers. It is a matter of consciously revisioning my experiences. when some of them occurred I was powerless to experience them differently but as I gain knowledge I can reexperience them giving back the torment, refusing to accept it. As I start to do that I am finding the pain almost unbearable. But I am holding my eyes to the future. - GS
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I just wanted to mention 2 other songs that could be N songs:
Betty Davis Eyes and Man Eater
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Laura ,
I read the book that Bette Davis's daughter wrote about her mother. It is almost like her child was a prop.
And that song maneater it expresses the kind of person that see's people as objects to be used....................
Hey RM I am really glad to see ya what's shakin how is school?I have missed you . :D
Love to you,
moon
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Hi Moonbeam (I think of you has a light that shines through my darkness personally, not just as an overall general moonlight)
School is going great for me so far, although I had to make up a lot of it, due to my trip to NY to see relatives recently for a week.
I have a project in Child Development, coming up on Monday, so keep me in prayer...it's a presentation of a Play Kit for preschoolers to my class and teacher. I'm doing "starchild" which consists of wearing a funny headband with stars on it, a star wand with streamers, star-shaped bean bags to throw into a star-decorated bucket, a flashlight shined behind a sheet of tinfoil with holes in it, to create stars on a material piece, star-shaped building blocks (if hubby ever makes them) and of course the song Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I have to present these things in front of the class, so time for some NERVES. hehe
I have spent the past 3 days being ill, but am feeling a little better now.
Swim class has been good but I have one more to make up in that one.
Interpersonal Communications is interesting, but I have a big test coming up that I'm concerned about...it will be a lot of memorizing for me.
That's about it...oh yeah, the restaurant is doing well too. Thank you for asking and for missing me :)
I've been in communication with Jodi and Marie, N and BPD (the one who replaced my former-best friend, Dove, after me), in my life as well, and things are just fine, as long as I keep telling them how thrilled I am that they found each other. Go figure!
RM, Laura
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Laura In this life I had ten years of depression after my twin passed .That was enough of depression.I do let myself feel all the feelings that come up and knowing that life is short I am choosing to be optimistic and positive as I can .We really are safe in this world.I accept the world and believe not adding to the fear is good.But I still feel afraid at times but that is letting it's grip off of me.
Laura Your project sounds so neat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I so love kids.You are in my prayers.Kids will love the idea of STARCHILD and I am sure the kids will too Laura no need for nerves.I am glad you are feeling better .My oldest daughter's major is in communications.We laugh about our own methods sometimes we are very intense.
Glad the biz is doing great too.Glad your back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jodi and Marie ya got to love them.
Love always , :D :D :D
moon
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Hi Laura,
I remember those two songs you mentioned, along with the feeling I'd get listening to them. Like Moon said... that it was all about using other people as objects... or trying to cause a certain overpowering effect onto others. Bette Davis was so... domineering, at least to me!
You sound good, Laura... sorry you were sick, but glad you're feeling better now. Your "Starchild" presentation sounds so cool!
Maybe if you just forget about the people watching and imagine that they're only a bunch of little children who are thrilled to watch... cuz really, I think, it will wake up the little child in them and everyone will enjoy!
Re: things are just fine, as long as I keep telling them how thrilled I am that they found each other. Go figure!
Yup... just nod and smile and keep patting them on the back and they'll be contented as 2 peas in a pod :|
Moon..... That was enough of depression.I do let myself feel all the feelings that come up and knowing that life is short I am choosing to be optimistic and positive as I can .We really are safe in this world.I accept the world and believe not adding to the fear is good.But I still feel afraid at times but that is letting it's grip off of me.
Me, too, also, indeed... enough grinding against the world and those who inhabit it! In acceptance lieth peace.
(((((((((((Moon)))))))))) Thank you for this.
Love,
Hope
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I just got a little insight - my mother treats her youngest sister much the way she treats me.
I have alwyas taken her treatment of me personnally and responded as such.
but the way she treats me has much more to do with her than with me.
The same is true of my NPD father. When my parents or brothers were dismissive of me,
I took it to mean that I was not worth much. It really hurt and I began to be filled with rage.
But it wasn't about me.
Now I must learn to apply that to my every day life.
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Dear Gaining Strength,
My mother treated her younger sister much the same... with barely veiled contempt and disdain. She was the aunt of mine whom I described previously as "borderline" p.d.
... but the way she treats me has much more to do with her than with me.
Yes, exactly.
You used the word "dismissive" here and that strikes such a chord with me. Often the dismissal was with regard to something quite trivial, yet the overarching pattern, especially with my mother, was ~ it didn't matter what my perspective might be, she'd cast doubt and dispersion and contempt all over it to the point that I no longer bothered sharing a thought... not with her or with anyone.
This must have started at quite a young age with me, because it surely became a deeply engrained trait.
Hugs, GS... time for developing new patterns.
Hope
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Thanks Hope
time for developing new patterns.
It is indeed. I want to take a pill for that. I'm ready for the new patterns. - GS
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I just got a little insight -
I think it's huge, GS!
:) Hops
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Thank you friend - I replied to one of your post some time yesterday.
It was the one that had a BIG GS right in the middle. I wrote a lengthy
reply and posted it but cyberspace ate it right up. I've had a hard
time getting on several times today, too. C'est la vie. - GS