Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: WRITE on October 20, 2006, 12:49:45 AM
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ok, I talked to ex again, he has been dragging on the divorce because he has some kind of emotional block about proceeding, I asked what he saw as our alternative & he says he doesn't have one.
I told him I want to file asap also a Marital Settlement Agreement at the same time.
What I wasn't anticipating is how draining it is filling in and looking over those forms! And how it brings it home how I will be totally alone, not partially. Especially as ex said yesterday he doesn't think he can be friends any more when I divorce him- ironic really!
Tell me I'm doing the right thing. I know I am but it's weird it feels negative when I know it's positive....
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You are, honey. You are doing the right thing.
This is a hard step but you know it opens a door for you.
Don't panic, don't be afraid.
You are making space for yourself at last.
It's night-time, that's hard sometimes.
But tomorrow is going to come and you'll be here.
He is not your only friend.
(((((((((Write)))))))))))
Hops
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ok, I talked to ex again, he has been dragging on the divorce because he has some kind of emotional block about proceeding, I asked what he saw as our alternative & he says he doesn't have one.
I told him I want to file asap also a Marital Settlement Agreement at the same time.
What I wasn't anticipating is how draining it is filling in and looking over those forms! And how it brings it home how I will be totally alone, not partially. Especially as ex said yesterday he doesn't think he can be friends any more when I divorce him- ironic really!
Tell me I'm doing the right thing. I know I am but it's weird it feels negative when I know it's positive....
You are doing the right thing, Write.
I am very bad at filling in any kind of form, so I can feel for you on this one. Be nice to yourself, while you are doing it, and take lots of time. Maybe do just a page at a time, and then take a break.
((((((Write)))))))
btw, your ex sounds as if he is still trying to hook you emotionally. He is withholding compliance with the divorce, and threatening to take away his friendship afterwards. What is he trying to achieve by doing this? It reminds me of a child in the playground, holding onto his football, and refusing to play, and saying, won't be friends with you any more!
Clearly, he is feeling pain, but he is not the only one, and maybe he could benefit from realising that.
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(((((((((write)))))))))
You're doing the right thing.
it's weird it feels negative when I know it's positive....
Doing things which have positive outcomes can involve very negative feelings. No doubt it feels great to have run a marathon, but 5 miles before the end it must feel like ****!
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Write,
I guess this is one of the times when an attorney (even if only one to be used by both of you) would be helpful as he or she would handle all that paperwork, make sure it got filed, and stay in touch with it in the court system. It might be worth a few hundred dollars to remove all that emotionally draining work from your plate.
Yes, you are doing the right thing. Your h is acting like the child that he is and you need to keep that in mind and remember that you don't want a partner who behaves that way for the rest of your life. This same scenario would keep repeating itself until you eventually said enough is enough. Do it now while you are still relatively young and have so much of life left to live. You won't be alone forever. I know it seems scary now, thinking that that could be the case, but it won't be unless you allow it. I was so scared for 2 years when my ex left, thinking that I couldn't ever live a normal, happy life again. That I would never again have love in my life. Obviously, that wasn't true and I now have real love in my life. I have an adult for a partner, who I do not need to parent or direct or make excuses for. I have been allowed a chance to discover new things (never imagined being addicted to riding on the back of a Harley), reconnect with things I used to enjoy, and have lots of sex. Even if this relationship doesn't become permanent, I've had an opportunity to find out how good love can be with someone who is healthy and happy. I've also learned how much love I am capable of giving to another person, other than my children. Those are both life-changing learning experiences and I will be forever grateful for having had them.
As I have said to you several times in the last few months, you need to create some emotional distance from your h as you move through this final phase of the divorce process. The fact that you have not done this, is allowing him to manipulate you again and have you questioning your decisions. I know you have said that you know best how to handle him, but the reverse is true as well--and he is taking advantage of that now.
Please consider getting a third party involved to handle or at least guide you through the process. You don't need the excess stress that this will create for you.
((((((((write)))))))
Brigid
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Thanks Brigid Portia October Hop.
I am tired this week- he really does exhaust me but as I folded laundry and prayed this morning, it just came to me: losing his 'friendship' is a good thing, a stage in moving on.
It's not a friendship really is it, it's a mutual dependence we set up as teens to cope. Neither of us needs it now.
He does say hurtful things when he's hurting, he said 'I'm not going to be your friend any more if...' 'what if you get breast cancer and there's no one here to help you' 'you just want a divorce so you can sleep around- and you're crap at sex'! It's all projection really. I am much better equipped to cope with all those things than he is.
Not that I need to keep hearing this toxic crap. It causes insecurity.
Brigid, I just can't go into legal-land with him, he'll regress like crazy in that polarized environment. I know him very well- and I don't trust in other people's expertise when they have a vested interest to earn themselves extra money, I don't trust other people's expertise much anyway frankly. I have found people's lack of competence and perspective more and more frustrating down the years, and so few people 'get' Nism, and the other side would have a field day with my bipolar. I know people worry about my ability to cope with it all but he'll have me for breakfast if he gets into a legal battle, it's just not worth it emotionally & would be mega-stressful anyway.
I love what you write about your life and thanks for sharing that- I will hang on to an image of me in the future being connected and happy ( single or with someone )
Even if this relationship doesn't become permanent
is this a new relationship? WHere did you two meet if you don't mind me asking?
The forms aren't too difficult using the online software. I'll try and overcome my abhorence of paperwork and do them a bit at a time like October suggests.
It does feel like running a marathon Portia- only dragging a barrowload of manure along!!!
What is he trying to achieve by doing this? It reminds me of a child in the playground, holding onto his football, and refusing to play, and saying, won't be friends with you any more
I said to him 'what do you want to do instead?' and he said he doesnt want reconciliation, he doesn't know what he wants he just feels sad. And like ever where I am concerned he can't keep it in- it has to get flung at me.
Don't panic, don't be afraid.
You are making space for yourself at last.
I guess I am just wobbling a bit. It's so hard to picture myself free after all these years. And after all this bullying. I want to be a butterfly but my wings aren't drying out fast enough, maybe I need to go walk in the autumn sunshine for a bit!
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Write
Fantasy replies for your inner <fill in your description>:
'I'm not going to be your friend any more if...'
Did I say I wanted you as a friend? I want you to be your son’s father.
'what if you get breast cancer and there's no one here to help you'
I suppose I’ll go into hospital, have it removed and so on and you will no doubt take care of our son. I expect I’ll be able to look after my own health but will you be able to cope?
'you just want a divorce so you can sleep around- and you're crap at sex'!
I want a divorce so I can sleep around and have more sex because I haven’t had much opportunity for good sex in the last x years.
It does feel like running a marathon Portia- only dragging a barrowload of manure along!!!
You could be dragging a dragon…. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/05/01/earlyshow/main1562964.shtml
:D
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:lol:
One of these days!
The irony of me bending over backwards to help him of course is completely lost on him. I typed 'id' lost- true Freudian slip!
But then Nfriend, who wrote after 18 months not for a chat or interest about me but to insist I call him 'it's very important' ( course it is if it's about YOU! ) didnt reply to my email saying please let's talk via email, I'm having a difficult time myself right now. Not a word.
And then they wonder why everyone drops out of their lives, stunned and hurt...and then they step up their 'engagement' and 'entrapment' behaviours. And it goes on.....
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Please consider getting a third party involved to handle or at least guide you through the process. You don't need the excess stress that this will create for you.
you know Brigid, you're right. I do need some extra 'professional' support. I'm going to call my therapist and book a few sessions to help me get through the next few weeks. I don't have to do this alone.
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Write,
I'm going to call my therapist and book a few sessions to help me get through the next few weeks. I don't have to do this alone.
Excellent idea :D! You absolutely do not have to do this alone. Garner all the moral support you can right now so you can continue to forge ahead. You will be so relieved when it is over and done.
Regarding my love life:
is this a new relationship? WHere did you two meet if you don't mind me asking?
We have been seeing each other for about 18 months--14 of which have been exclusive and continuously getting more serious. We were very casual in the first 4 months.
Interestingly, we met through an internet dating service, but our children were in school together (his son and my daughter graduated together in June and even had a class together senior year), we belonged to the same tennis club for a number of years, I knew his ex-wife fairly well years ago (they had been divorced 6 years by the time I met him), he knew of my exh, and we know many people in common. But we had never met each other. So it felt very safe for me from the beginning. I did, however, date a number of men through that service before I met my b/f, and highly recommend it as a way to meet men at this age (or any age for that matter) and in my living environment (which is a suburban, single family home, neighborhood). I know a number of people who have found significant others and marriage partners through the internet. When the time is right, give it some consideration.
Brigid
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Thanks Brigid.
I know a number of people who have found significant others and marriage partners through the internet. When the time is right, give it some consideration.
I'm hearing this more and more.
I'm glad you are having a wonderful time.
It must be so nice to have a relaxed fun time as well as passionate- without hang-ups, drama and unpleasantness.
I was talking to a new friend I met at my gym, she said she and her husband have never rowed or yeled or been unpleasant to each other. At one time I would have seen that as 'weak' or something, now I think 'what a blessed life' to walk away from angry words or meanness, and go back and talk it out. Healthy anger isn't screaming and tantruming is it?
Called the therapist, booked a session next week, she has always been really good for me.
Evenings are hard, Hop said that last night, not the early evening when I'm busy, now, when I want to be snuggled up to someone! After all these years sleeping alone and never having that relationship it amazes me I haven't just got used to it, but it's my secret wish to be able to go to bed and chat and just have someone else there and feel close and comforted.
Hop- you also recommended I go back to that love addiction book. Is there anything in particular there you think I should read? I can recognise traits from the book, general things, but nothing's jumping out at me as in 'I really need to work on that'.
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I am tired this week- he really does exhaust me but as I folded laundry and prayed this morning, it just came to me: losing his 'friendship' is a good thing, a stage in moving on.
I am feeling really battered tonight. Then reading this thread is really strange, given what has happened.
A good friend of mine was going on holiday. He asked if he could leave his car here, and get a lift to the airport. So a week ago he brought the car here, and left it in my garage for the week, and I drove him and his friend to the airport. My car usually goes in the garage, but it stayed out on the drive. Then yesterday, he rang for a lift again, so I went to the airport, and brought them back here. Then they said they had to leave immediately, and so they did, without even coming into my house. I felt hurt about that, and sent a text today, to say that I did not think it was fair.
Here is the reply, which is really funny, in a way:
"For the first time in all these years I have asked myself why I have remained friends with you I was not happy to have turned up then to rush off but J wanted to get back sort his stuff and get back for a wedding in north wales"
Then later:
"From your standpoint thats true but of course yours is not the only one and thats where you always have trouble."
So there we are. Ten years of friendship undone by one statement of pain, caused by the other person. Funny old world, isn't it? :lol: Which is why I need this thread today, to help me to remain sane in the face of this kind of stuff.
:?
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Oh October
People who use you like that, and then turn on you when you call them on it, aren't friends, and never were... but oh, they fake it well sometimes, and oh, it hurts when it falls through.
So sorry!!!!!!!!!!
Write - you're so very brave, and I'm glad you aren't forcing yourself to go through this unsupported in realspace -
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Oh October
People who use you like that, and then turn on you when you call them on it, aren't friends, and never were... but oh, they fake it well sometimes, and oh, it hurts when it falls through.
So sorry!!!!!!!!!!
Well, of course from my point of view, and yours, this is true, but this is not the only way of looking at it, and that is our trouble, isn't it?
:lol:
Thanks, Stormy. And sorry for derailing, Write, but it seemed so much of a coincidence to read your thread again, having heard the same things myself, from someone I have really loved, and really given a great deal to for many years.
Now wondering, if he withdrew his friendship, how exactly would I tell the difference? :lol: :lol:
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Nothing particular, Write...I think I was worrying whether you were hooked into fusion as I have been so many times in the past but I think I'm projecting. I haven't had an 18-month relationship in I don't know how long!
I think you're doing way better, and I sympathize more than I knew with the yearning for touch. I thought my libido was dead in the water, but I just saw my "first love" for two hours yesterday, and I can tell I still have desire. It's just been snuffed and buried. He is married, we were just having coffee as old friends, and I wouldn't encourage or consider anything else. But I remembered in a surge what it was like, so many years ago, to love someone with my whole heart and whole body. I really have never loved anyone like that since. And I still felt the attraction after 38 years!!!!!!!!
(Didn't help that he told me he thinks about me a lot.) But we were very proper, despite the memories.
I wouldn't want to see him often, so it's good he lives far away. I am grateful for his visit, though, because I felt like a woman again. Now if I could only meet someone other than Unitarian geezers!
Hugs,
Hops
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Hops, m'dear, if you want to meet someone other than Unitarian geezers, you have to hang out with people other than Unitarian geezers ;-) ... does your church not have a 'midlife singles' group? Are there other church 'midlife singles' groups in the vicinity? Not all of them demand that you show up on Sundays too...
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Ten years of friendship undone by one statement of pain, caused by the other person. Funny old world, isn't it? Which is why I need this thread today, to help me to remain sane in the face of this kind of stuff.
maybe not undone. If you have bipolar 1 you become an expert at patching up relationships, can you get past this emotional exchange?
Now wondering, if he withdrew his friendship, how exactly would I tell the difference?
sometimes a friendship has just gone stale, sometimes it dies....it's nice to be on good terms with everyone but if it doesn't feel reciprocal it hurts after a while. Only you know if you're holding onto something that doesn't work for you or if it is worth keeping. Sometimes old friendships where there's nostalgia etc it's hard to tell though!
Here's a great big hug for you (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
It's hard when someone can't hear you.
The irony of typing that is that my ex just attacked me saying I don't hear him. Sometimes I wonder if I really have computer privacy and he looks at what I'm doing, he set up all this network and is still the administrator....not that I care, I have nothing to hide and don't write anything I wouldn't say to him....and his undermining makes me paranoid enough.
We're having a party and trying to be nice I have invited everyone- him, the street kids, all my friends, his friends, crush guy ( who hasn't said whether he will come or if he'll bring a date ) Anyway ex has focused in on crush guy, and decided that he broke up our relationship ( I didn't even know this guy until 18 months after we separated! ) All the N came out anyway and he said he'll be mean to him and 'assert his superiority' since he's the reason for his pain.
Now I know my ex, and he'll go away, work out how unreasonable he's being, and calm down; that's why I talked to him a week in advance really.
But it is quite a slap in the face to have tried so hard to do right with him and see just how intractable his behaviour is.
He really does not care about me, can't care. He has no love for me, no way of taking care of my feelings.
He said I always prioritise myself, I don't hear him and I am only rushing my divorce to be with other guys. I don't know anyone who has taken this long over a divorce! It's so unreasonable of him it's laughable.
I've been detaching by degrees for a while, but today was the first time I realised there will be no more corporate occasions, and I am not going to share my experiences or feelings with him from now.
It's not helping him, and it's too painful for me.
I thought my libido was dead in the water, but I just saw my "first love" for two hours yesterday, and I can tell I still have desire. It's just been snuffed and buried. He is married, we were just having coffee as old friends, and I wouldn't encourage or consider anything else. But I remembered in a surge what it was like, so many years ago, to love someone with my whole heart and whole body. I really have never loved anyone like that since. And I still felt the attraction after 38 years!!!!!!!!
(Didn't help that he told me he thinks about me a lot.) But we were very proper, despite the memories.
wow, it's neat some attraction woke you up Hops, though I am glad you were proper given he is married, affairs don't feel right.
Probably helps that you've been getting the rest you need and are more relaxed away from work too.
Will you have to work not to let this turn into a 'fantasy relationship' given what you've said, or is that something you are over doing? I'm not quite sure about this fusion concept, I'll have to look it up.
Now if I could only meet someone other than Unitarian geezers!
hah! My ex came to church with me once and remarked 'distinct lack of testosterone around here!'
Write - you're so very brave, and I'm glad you aren't forcing yourself to go through this unsupported in realspace -
Maybe I'm stubborn! And I'm sure when my ex becomes unpleasant & cuts me off I'll feel like I've been stupid for a while, but I have done my best, I really have. I'm tired now though.
It's interesting, my ex didn't approve of me seeing the therapist. He said I was wasting money.
He's stalling on the divorce, I know he'll be a pain the next few weeks until it's done. Maybe talking to him today i was just anticipating ( even precipitating ) that. Anyway it reinforced calling her was the right thing.
I couldn't cry despite his stinging words, it's not worth crying any more over. I've cried so many tears he'll never even know whilst he's been switching his emotions on and off.
I do wonder how all this is going to affect my son long-term though, my ex was spoiling for this fight ever since I told him i was going ahead with filing....he said 'daddy's mean' this morning and then he can't explain, but I know exactly, that bombastic sneering that comes out whenever he's conflicted.
Going to go out to the cinema with friends now, let's salvage the rest of the evening!
What's everyone else doing? ( I realise the folks in the UK are probably headed to bed! )
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Ow, Write:
I recognize "bombastic sneering." My first H was quite good at that. Thank you for reminding me. As painful as this event has been for you it sounds like a blessing to me (or will be in hindsight)... Now I KNOW you're going to push on through this okay. Better than okay. Bravo to you. He has been getting the best of you for a loooooooooong time, and you just drew a real and significant boundary by not rising to the bait and by deciding not to confide in him any more. BRAVO.
Remember that long list I typed of the characteristics of "faux intimacy" from Schaef's book? I was worried you were heading in that direction with El Crusho. That's why I suggested it again. But you know best what your tolerance is (though it's been too high for pain for too long, you know!).
Thanks for taking the time to respond to my little drama when you're going through this stuff...
wow, it's neat some attraction woke you up Hops, though I am glad you were proper given he is married, affairs don't feel right.
I know. Wouldn't consider that with him at all. In fact, when he took my email address, I said don't write me anything you wouldn't want your wife to read, okay?
Probably helps that you've been getting the rest you need and are more relaxed away from work too.
Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Less stressssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss !
Will you have to work not to let this turn into a 'fantasy relationship' given what you've said, or is that something you are over doing? I'm not quite sure about this fusion concept, I'll have to look it up.
Nope. No work. I am not considering anything of the sort, he was just in town for a wedding and is on his way back to Florida. It was, however, a great comfort to my soul to see this person I loved once with all my heart, and have him acknowledge it was just as real for him. He was literally my first love. My first lover. My first romance. And it was a passionate one. I was grateful that he basically told me he has never forgotten me. And likewise. But I have no illusions about adult compatibility...and I am very glad he found a suitable, good woman to marry.
Now if I could only meet someone other than Unitarian geezers!
hah! My ex came to church with me once and remarked 'distinct lack of testosterone around here!'
Wellllllllllllll now. That's brutal! True I do want a manly liberal feminist guy. I'm sure they're out there! One thing I told my first love today when he remembered one fight we'd had...I said, "Nobody's going to tell me what to do, you know and you were trying to." He said, I was wrong.
THAT was wonderful. I still remember the boy in him, and he clearly remembered the girl in me!
hugs,
Hops
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I am dazed Hops, it's like there's no end to my ex's odd behaviour.
The truth is in trying to help I've got too close, he doesn't do close, and I guess he'll run from the open honest relationship we've been trying to set up.
The worst thing is- it hurts. I said something today about having come so far, getting so healthy, and he looked at me and said 'but that's about you' and suddenly it hit me forcefully- he'd rather I was mentally ill, an alcoholic, no self-esteem, messed up- anything so long as he still has some control. It's not a relationship he cares about with me, it's about keeping me down so I don't move on, which he doesn't see as healthy for us all but as rejection.
I just looked at one of your posts, the one with 'instant intimacy'. I didn't do that with El Crusho ( as he'll be known hereafter) but I did think there was intimacy developing between us and as it grew he stopped returning my calls/ emails whilst still being very affectionate even sexual when he saw me. When I pulled back one day he grabbed me to hug me he seemed hurt. So yes, there's something not right. I suspect he wants sex not a relationship and from what he's told me about his life/background that's not easy for him. T'ain't going to happen with me! I haven't seen him flirt with anyone else. Heck, I can't even analyse it any more- I just don't know- but I've put things on a friendly basis and now it's time to tiptoe backwards out the room, in case I set off another psycopath!
when he took my email address, I said don't write me anything you wouldn't want your wife to read, okay?
I think that's right. I haven't ever done an affair but I had two very brief flings in my life & one of the guys I knew was married, she was a friend & I could not face her after, decided not to see either of them any more ( the other was deceptive at first- though I did see him 3 or 4 times after I realised he was very married ) it was so crappy I vowed never again to do anything mean.
I know sometimes these things seem to 'just happen' and I did start to drift into another when I was very lonely but I'd learnt my lesson and said no.
I still remember the boy in him, and he clearly remembered the girl in me!
sweet.
I never had any 'normal' relationships back then, I've been with ex most of my life apart from a couple of breaks and a divorce and the last two years 9 months.
Strange evening tonight. The friends I met, she is very insecure about her boyfriend and when I arrived she waved but didn't come over, she looked at me a bit strange? So by the time I got to the huge theatre I couldn't find them. I went and watched the movie on my own! Bumped into her in the ladies on the way out and I wondered if they would have waited for me at all? She was all friendly on the phone when I was driving there.
One of the best things about being fat all my adult life was it got rid of this jealousy reaction from insecure women, I am starting to look good again now and it's happening again!
Guess I'll have to toughen up though, 'cos I intend to get to goal weight this time and stay there. I'm really careful not to flirt or make people jealous these days, honestly- I need some more healthy people to hang out with, who said that the other night? I refuse to tread on the eggshells with anyone any more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feeling crappy- time for a big long sleep.
Night everyone.
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Sleep tight, Write.
I went to a movie by myself tonight too!
Flicka, a young girl's horse movie....terrible acting but great horses and great Western scenery....
You're doing good, Ol' Skinny.
There's a WORLD of decent caring people out there for you to discover.
I'm very sorry for the pain and emptiness you're facing about your soon-to-be-Ex.
Eventually, I promise word of honor, you will look back at him UNMOVED.
I'm sure you'll feel a detached compassion one day, but no more pain.
It will come. Have faith, ride the waves, and Write, you will be there, in your better life.
love,
Hops
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wish you lived inTX- we could maybe go together?!
It was funny ( like so much ) I had 2 lovely conversations waiting in line, then didn't talk to my self-obsessed acquaintances all night, and even though I drove an hour to get there they were tired after the movie so no coffee invite....in my thankfulness journal it was 2 strangers who provided me with human contact after my difficult day with X-man ( my friend's term which I am now going to steal, er borrow )
And you Hops- you give me more kindness than I deserve, you are so encouraging and loving.
In England we used to differentiate that- friendship from acquaintance- and I'm going to revive the concept in my mind. It's easier not to attach to an acquaintance and know 'it's just superficial' and just enjoy the very limited contact at times when you need to get out and keep busy.
Saying that I popped into Barnes and Noble on the way home, and thought I will do this more, there's one not far from my new apartment and noone says anything here if you read their books all night and there's a nice coffee shop.
You're doing good, Ol' Skinny.
well, I'm getting thinner and healthier, wouldn't say skinny yet! But I always rejoice when someone else does this and enjoys the buzz of looking and feeling better, so I think I can brush off any jealousy or negativity comes my way. I guess it's a touchy subject for some people, my friend last night and her boyfriend have both gained loads, maybe it was just projected anxiety about that.
I'm going to find a couple more 'Saturday night' activities though, and I read a bit of a book about a good life for one last night....I don't want to feel pressured to be with negative people just so as not to be alone.
I remember reading Flicka when I was a girl, and Black Beauty! My favourite books then were Dodie Smith's 'I capture the castle' and William Rayner 'Big Mister' but I read everything. I did have a lot of superficial friendships and get invited to things, but I didn't connect much with other people. My happiest hours were in nature or curled up on my bed under the covers with a bag of candy reading!
I'd learn reams of poetry by heart ( still can recite it! ) and listen to music, I was perfectly content and that's what I want to rediscover.
How life comes full circle...you will be there, in your better life.
Mantra for Sunday.
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Hops,
I was pretty much celibate for the last 10-15 years of my marriage (we probably had sex 5-6 times a year, but only when I insisted). When you don't have it, you stop thinking about it and desiring it (for the most part) and you think your libido is in the tank. But I'm here to tell you, that if you have a partner with whom you have great chemistry, that libido can start doing backflips--even at 56. :wink:
BTW, I agree with Stormy that you need to find a better source for men than the UU church crowd. If a good feminist is what you're looking for, I would say the coffee shops at your local university would be a good starting point. I was contacted by several university professors while searching for love on the internet. They're out there looking for love, too.
Write,
I'm so glad to hear you saying the things you are about your stbx. You seem to be getting much more realistic about what you can expect from him in the future and the way he has been treating you. I think you are quickly gaining the strength and determination necessary to complete the nasty task of divorce. You really will feel a great sense of relief when it is over and done.
It has been so nice to have someone with whom to cuddle up with on a regular basis. In 18 months, we've never even said an angry word to one another, so we do have peace and harmony, but also a lot of fun. For both of us, it is so different than it was with our ex's, that we don't even know what to make of it sometimes, but we are grateful to have it and try to make the most of it.
Hugs,
Brigid
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You bet, Write...would be happy to be your movie mate!
You are sounding really good. I hear all kinds of openness and possibility popping into your head.
There will be simple days that are peaceful and even if every piece isn't in place, you will be there.
We're all taking the same walk...because even "there" is always moving.
Life's today. Now. And I'm happy to be typing to someone who deserves every kindness.
(And me too, I need to plan Saturday night fun.)
Brigid,
Your relationship gives me such warm feelings. It is absolutely clear to me that if I want a lovely companion I'll find one. I think soon I will go on the Net. I enjoyed it before my last exercise in bad judgement, and have no fears of having coffee with a string of nice men. I know my red flags by heart now, and I've also learned how to say, one date's enough and thank you. So that's easier.
Meanwhile, I'm nursing my back, and need to get some things done at home (paperwork...) before I venture out in new social directions. Maybe early December, sounds a good time. I think I remember more men were looking around then, as the holidays are tough for singles.
Will keep y'all posted! (No pun intended.) :)
Hops
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the coffee shops at your local university would be a good starting point.
I am going to hang out in Barnes and Noble more- for the books not the guys, honest!- but I will check out who looks single there!
You seem to be getting much more realistic
or less hopeful....
Actually he was fine again today. I think he thinks he's 'setting boundaries' when he acts like yesterday! He's a pretty toxic guy to hang out with, not much respect for anyone else. I want things sweet as possible if possible, if not maybe it'll be a signal to make an even bigger break and move away.
I am so glad you are happy Brigid, it gives hope to people like me. I'm quite excited to think I will one day soon be free to find happiness, or at least keep looking!
It is absolutely clear to me that if I want a lovely companion I'll find one.
wow Hops, that is so positive. And you are right, a lovely guy will be entranced with you.
I've also learned how to say, one date's enough and thank you.
that's what I'll need to learn, I can say 'no thank you' in my best British accent and move on!
the holidays are tough for singles.
the holidays were tougher being married for me- how I love it now dropping in on X-man and having him cook and I help him load the dishwasher and leave...
I don't even put up a tree, he does it all, this guy who stayed in bed most of the day when we were together!
Where would you post on the internet, match.com or eharmony or something?
ps. hope your back's better soon.
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I think I would do the internet (match.com) again. I tried eHarmony but at first their test didn't even allow me to be a Unitarian Universalist, and I got no matches. And it's expensive. And...I think it doesn't (or it didn't use to) allow you to look locally...you have to look all over the country?
One of our local alternative weeklies also does its own.
One thing I've been wanting to try is www.singlebooklovers.com. Just sounds different.
And Storm, thanks for suggesting other churches' midlife groups (ours has none). Do you think it would be offensive for a UU to turn up at an Episcopalian group, for example? Feels funny.
Hops
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Do you think it would be offensive for a UU to turn up at an Episcopalian group, for example?
I don't know much about Episcopalians, but most churches are very welcoming with me as I travel around on Sundays, it's only the strange personality cult shaped ones where people have been unfriendly ( and a couple of them were UU! )
A lot of the churches here do concerts and talks with refreshments after, I'd be really comfortable to talk to anyone in that setting.
****
Well, told X-man ( again ) I will be putting the first divorce petition in, and the process. He seems resigned now, he did say earlier 'you won't do what I want' and I turned and said 'what do you want?" and he said 'oh, I don't know!'
He was fussing about money- why do I insist on tying him in to it legally and it might be unfair on him, I told him he has a habit of doing mean stuff when he's hurt, and this is how it has to be. He said 'if I didn't want to pay it I wouldn't' and I said 'I am well aware of that, I am trusting you will do what you need to do for our family'.
To be honest, I don't much care in a way- I have to detach, he'll do what he'll do, and I have learned from experience the mean stuff comes when I am least expecting it and like this week saying I am rushing divorce after taking 3 years over a separation, he can be irrational when he's worked up.
I'm ill today- laryngitis, literally voiceless, funny I didn't feel panic, I worked today and it wasn't so good with not much voice ( I was teaching and music directing not singing ) so I called tomorrow's job and she said stay home and rest, and that I can slip in an extra group if I need the money when I am better.
I feel so balanced- well today I do- everything will be okay.
*****
El Crusho wrote to me again yesterday, my heart has stopped thudding over that too, it's down-sizing into a pleasant correspondence & I'm not too worried where it leads for now.
Let's just get my divorce done with- so pleased for OR- that will be me in a few weeks!!!!!!!!!!