Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: reallyME on November 02, 2006, 03:10:05 PM
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If anyone reads the newspaper or gets AOL news, you might have read an article about a man who met a lady from Brazil, through a dating service on the computer. His friends tell about how his whole personality changed, he gave up his interests, and suddenly showered this lady with gifts, only for her to complain that they were not THE BEST he could send her.
The man went out to meet with this lady- "love" several times, till finally, when he thought he was going to get married to her, his last visit was a fATAL one. She hired her REAL boyfriend to drug this man, drain his bank accounts of thousands of dollars, and finally strangle him and burn his body. Now, THAT...hmmm...an N gone to PSYCHOTIC? PSYCHOPATHIC? SOCIOPATHIC?
Just hearing more and more incidents such as this, pointing to just how messed up some people can become.
Yipes
~Laura
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Yipes is right.
(Makes a dull life feel a lot more pleasant...)
shivers,
Hops
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There was also the story of the woman whose nanny shook her baby and the baby has severe damage. BUT WHAT THE HELL WAS SOMEONE LEAVING A 5-DAY-OLD BABY WITH A NANNY FOR???????????? What was so important that she couldn't be with her brand-new baby? Why even have a child you won't be with?????
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Why even have a child you won't be with?????
Because some people are ignorant, selfish and emotionally immature.
Babies as accessories and status symbols? It's a sick thing.
This might make me angry because of my childhood.
Does that mean it is okay to have babies as accessories? I guess not, not to me. That's my value system.
Am I going to do anything about it? I'm not going to act, but I will think about why it makes me angry and decide my position on it, should anyone ask me. I think that's productive, knowing my values and beliefs!
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I know a woman who gave birth to her second child several weeks early, requiring him to stay in the hospital until he gained weight. She was an attorney who already had a full-time nanny for her first child. Instead of spending time with her new baby in the hospital, she went to work and sent the nanny to be with him while the other child was in pre-school. I heard that she only stayed home about 5 days with the first child.
To those kind of people, children are objects. They have them as status symbols and to appear "normal" to the outside world, imo. I don't understand why you would have a child, only to hand it off to someone else to raise. There is so much joy from watching your child go through all the various stages of growth and development and playing an active role in supporting them through that.
Hopefully, this site or something like it will still be around when those children become adults because they're going to need it--not to mention many hours of therapy.
Brigid
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I heard that she only stayed home about 5 days with the first child.
Brigid
Just long enough to recover from the birth and get back into human clothes.
Here having babies is becoming a major fashion accessory, especially amongst the 14-16 year olds.
Children raising children, its very sad.
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Down here in the stratum that can't never afford no nannies even if we wanted,
got to put in a word for working mothers, most of whom aren't high-end lawyers...
But in the first 5 days? I agree. Compromises have to happen, not to the extent of abandoning every professional dream...but you do have to make room for that baby.
Some women truly have no choice. They may have a baby in the expectation they'll be supported and have a mate...and then, no mate...
But a lot of others just pop 'em out with little planning.
Education education education, and flexible work opportunities, and part-time possibilities, and daycare on job site so you can feed and visit your baby several times a day, at the least...
One progressive publisher I worked for had an on-site nursery and the moms were paged every time the baby woke from a nap, and never missed a feeding, and spent every lunch hour rocking their children. It may not be as perfect as staying home for a year, but for the mothers who couldn't do that, it was good.
These babies seem to be growing up happy and loved, they're not just "parked" for long days the way so many are.
Hops
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Sorry Hops, I wasn't speaking against working moms. I was referring to an extreme case with a woman who thinks nothing of working 60 hours a week and letting her nanny raise her children. I'm not sure where the dad fits in, but I think he travels a fair amount.
I appreciate that being a full-time mom is a luxury that many can't afford. Although, my x and I lived very sparsely for many years and made many sacrifices that two income families didn't have to make so that I could be home with our kids. I will never regret any of those sacrifices.
Obviously, kids can develop just fine when day care is necessary. Some kids are probably better off depending on the kind of stay-at-home parent they have.
Brigid
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I do know what you mean, Brigid.
Jon Stewart, I think, had some sort of a routine (I remember it foggily) on "Rainbow babies". It was a riff on Madonna's adoption of David, but I think the gist was:
Let's see, I'll have an Asian one, and then an African one, and oooh, a Native American one!
I think I have that wrong, but it's drifting around my head somewhere.
On the other hand, I have a single friend who went to Lima, Peru and adopted a baby whose biological mother lived on the garbage dump. The baby was her 5th child and she gave birth to her in an alley in Lima. The police took her to the hospital...they went through all the routines of international adoption. My friend and her mother stayed in a hotel for six weeks while the newspapers ran a notice: "Will xx and yy come to zz Hospital and claim their child." After the parents never returned, the baby was released and she brought her home. The child has grown up as the doted-on only child of a very committed Mom. She's now in college, multi-talented (writes, paints, sings) and very well-adjusted. It amazes me when I see her, I always think that with a slight shift of fate, she would have lived (for who knows how long) under the buzzards circling, trying to pick out her survival from a mountain of garbage. Horrible image, and so many children live there...
Boy do I ramble. Anyway, I guess the children in daycare that some worry about so much, are so much better off than so many children in the world. When I stayed home for six months, and then was able to work out a part-time schedule, then a FT schedule that worked around my H's shift schedule, so our baby was never without a parent for the first 3 years, I knew I was very very lucky. That said, it would've been wonderful to have pots of money so I could stay home and have another. I adore babies, and in my case, nothing about any job, ever, was more appealing.
But if I'd had more fulfilling work, I know there would have been a pull to juggle both. In my case, work was interesting for a while, but mostly drudgery. I just want to write.
We once knew a novelist who had such focus that he could write every night on a little table in the LR with his children scrambling all over. Then again, he had a wife checking on them and preparing dinner...
I want a wife!
Hops
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Hops,
My daughter is adopted from Korea. Most likely, her future would have been as a prostitute on the streets at a very young age if we had not brought her into our lives. Children in Korea who have no family have very little hope for a future. Of course, that was 18 years ago and I think things are better now. The cost of that adoption was also a huge financial sacrifice for us at the time. I could not conceive a second child and I did not want my son to be an only child. I would loved to have adopted another child, but we couldn't afford it.
Children are a blessing no matter how they come into your life.
Brigid
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My littlest d was only 5 lbs when she was born and then lost little one or two Oz's .
But I could not bring her home also she was born early.
So was my twin and I my twin and I were under three pounds each.
But any way I cried all the way home and my midwife who also had hospital privileges nagged the Doctors every day to let me take her home.
I had a machine that helped me fill bottles for my milk until I could get to the hospital.(Mr moon thought this was utterly ridiculous)
I came to the hospital at 6 in the morning and stayed until seven at night when they kicked me out and
Mr moon picked me up and cried all the way home.
The staff got so sick of me they let me take my sweetie home early.
There were other moms that had preemies that did not even come until it was time to take there little ones home.
I would have slept on the floor by my little moonlet's crib if they would have let me....................
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Brig,
People like you are blessings, too. Wow.
In fulfilling your wish for your son, look what you gave to your daughter.
Lucky, lucky kids.
Hops
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(((((((((((((Moon-mom, Mr. Moon,Moonlets and Moonbeams))))))))))))))
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Brigid and Hops
That is so cool my oldest d wants to have one bio baby and adopt a baby but we do not know much about adoption .
She does have a good guy now and he gave her a ring and they are happy.
Brigid that is so wonderful to adopt what a wonderful life you have given.
Adoption is something my d really wants to do as well as having her bio kids .
my d loves kids It is good to see her with children she was an nanny for a while.
What a great mom she will be.
and omg that will make me a grand mama some day :shock:
much love :D
moon
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Hops and Moon,
So many times I have heard what a wonderful thing I did by adopting my daughter, but I have never looked at it that way. She was truly a gift from God who was meant to be raised in our family. My d has never wanted to talk much about her birth situation, but I have always told her that her birth mom made the biggest sacrifice a mother could ever make, by giving her daughter a chance at a normal life, which she never could have had in her native country.
I plan to take her back to So. Korea some day and explore the birth records which are kept in the orphanage in Seoul (you cannot see them any other way than in person). The nice thing for her too is that in our extended family (actually not mine anymore as they are my ex's cousins), there are 3 other Asian girls--one other from Korea and 2 from China.
BTW, she has also always been the perfect child. Aside from a few tantrums during tired times during the toddler years, she has never given me one minute of trouble. She has always been a good student, her teachers always adored her, she has a lovely group of friends, and she is absolutely drop dead gorgeous with a body to match. Mind you, I am not pregidous one bit, but unfortunately, I cannot take any credit for the brains or the beauty.
Moon--like you, if I had had a baby in the hospital, they would have had to pry me loose with a crow bar to get me to leave his or her side.
Love,
Brigid
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Hi Brigid
Yeah that was hard but because I was such a pain they let her come home earlier than the two weeks .
My oldest daughter wants to have a bio child and adopt this is very important to her she will be a good parent kinda a lioness .
my oldest d is a stunner but so anyway she's busy with college and I am glad she is such a sweetheart.
my little moonlet is a cutie but has no idea how cute she is...........This even makes her cuter she is a tiny.
Here at the moon residence we are small not tall so cute is what ya get tee hee my h is 5"10 ' the giant of the house.
Both my girls have lots of friends too I think this is so good.
They did have to pry me loose and my oldest d was in the hospital in ICU I did sleep on the hopital floor.
And then when she was put in regular room I sept there.
I am so happy you and your wonderful d are doing so well
Hey Brigid did you see the photo Hops put up for you with the Harley Dawg? 8)
hugs
moon
I sure am glad my oldest d is fine when in hospital I knew she was getting better when she started getting persnickety(is that a word) :D
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My nmom and dad bought a home from a couple (with kids) where one of them got transferred out of town...........so they sold the house, the lady moved out of town and the husband stayed here and I think the mom flew home every weekend to be with the "family." That seems stupid, doesn't it? The couple finally got divorced.
Also, my nmom "tried" the stay-at-home mom thing - cooked goulash...............but it didn't last long. My dad was an enlisted man in the Air Force and when my nmom took us to the swimming pool and the officers wives snubbed her............something snapped inside. When I was three she went to college, and when I was six she started a career which basically made her a lot of money but also took her away from my brother and I (and my dad tried to raise us while she was gone two weeks a month........) My brother says we paid our dues and now she owes us for the neglect................but again, she holds her wealth close to her heart and only throws crumbs when we look "needy." And then we weren't "perfect," we were both hell raisers!!! Look at us!! Pay attention to us!!! Well, she pretty much "tolerates" us even to this day.................................
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I met my husband through a dating service on the radio, so I'm not one to poo poo dating services altogether either. I also ran a dating service personally years ago, through AOL and the internet/phone. I had a lot of success with matchmaking...I tend to have a knack at discerning who belongs with whom.
As far as children...I have 4 daughters, ages 21, 17, 12, 7. They are wonderful and so unique from each other.
My eldest, Carol, age 21, is living with her boyfriend right now, trying to find herself somehow. She works as a Medical Assistant at a mental health clinic. She will be going back to college for her RN degree. She is possibly battling some depression, sadly, but does not choose to deal with it.
Anna, age 17, is sharp, nicely-dressed, a bit too "full of herself" which she admits. She wants to be a photographer and already has a good start in that direction. She does well in school and is a Cadette in Girl Scouts. She was starting to show some N signs for a while, but since her boyfriend entered the picture, she has tamed down pretty well. She was actually FUN to be with today. I'm so glad I never gave up hope with her, cause there were times when I just wanted to ship her OUT THE DOOR, let me tell you!
Randi, age 12, is homeschooled, doing pretty well, but very very stubborn and irritable at times. Some people tell me it's just the pre-teen thing with her, and she will get past it. She is going to be seeing my counselor on Monday, I think. I think she may have a touch of ADD, like her mother. Overall, she is spunky and willfull, and wants to be an interior decorator, which she does IMPRESSIVELY in her own room. She misses having her own room, since 17 year old Anna moved back home and out of the apt with her older sister.
Amber, age 7, will talk to ANYONE who will listen, which is cute yet concerning. She can make a friend out of an enemy in a few seconds of chatting with people. I'm always watching her over my shoulder, without her knowing it, because I don't trust people who tend to be overly friendly with her. I've heard too many horror stories in my lifetime. I'm not by far a "smother-mother" but I am paranoid, because this world is a very deceptive place at times. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Little Amber is doing ok in school, but struggles with not liking to do any writing. She is in first grade, cause she was held back a year, and now might be held again in 1st, because she refuses to do homework or writing work. We shall see.
That's my family, plus there is my hubby of 19 years, who I am just now getting to learn how to listen to without screaming at him in anger and frustration, thanks to ANTIDEPRESSANTS!
~Laura
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((((((((((((((((((alla y'all))))))))))))))))))))
this may sound corny but I just choked up reading about everyone's children
and families because I was just watching a show about New Orleans and while
I was reading these Aaron Neville was singing "Stand by Me" and I was just
thinking how much love there is...
Those of us who didn't get enough still pour it down...
:) :cry: :)
:)
Hops
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Moon & Hops,
Thanks for the heads up on the Harley photo. Very cute. I just returned from a few hours on the bike. It was actually a little warmer today than it was for most of October. They say it will be in the 60's on Wednesday, so my honey is going to play hooky (he is the boss afterall) and we'll go out for the afternoon. You never know when it will be the last ride of the season.
On Saturday, we're heading over to see my son at school. He is in an acapella men's choir and they are doing a performance (he is singing a solo) on Saturday night as part of a bigger show at the Student Union. I haven't seen him since mid-August. Then on 11/22 both the kids will be home for the Thanksgiving weekend. I look forward to a few days of my kids and their friends making the house lively once again. I miss them so much.
Moon--my d should be little based on her heritage, but she is actually quite tall (5'5") for an Asian girl (but wears a size 0--when did that become a size BTW?). She was a late bloomer and still might grow a little more. I'm so anxious to see how she's changed (both physically and emotionally) since I dropped her at school in late August. She had really never been away from home before.
Love,
B.
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Hi RM/Laura,
Has Amber been looked at for learning disabilities? I am asking because if she is talkative, intelligent, curious,etc but intensely dislikes reading and writing, these might be signs of dyslexia or vision problems. She could be screened by a behavioural optometrist (problems can exist even if she has 20-20 vision) for specific visual skills related to reading, and there are also tests for dyslexia.
If you have already looked into this, sorry to assume. I just know that statistically, many children don't get identified in school until age 9 or later, and by then their self-esteem has suffered from being left back or last in the class and so forth.
Plucky
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hey Pluck, thanks for the concern...what is a behavioral optometrist and where can I find one around me? I'd like to look into this further, because at this point, a friend of mine is planning to help homeschool my daughter vs putting her back into the school next year
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Hi RM,
here are some links to get you started. PAVE is a good org in the US ut it looks like their website has expired!
http://www.babo.co.uk/importance.html
http://www.babo.co.uk/signs.html
http://www.evansmcmahon.com.au/behaviou.htm
These are about vision.
http://www.davisdyslexia.com/isit.html
This one about dyslexia.
Good luck. If I can be of any help, please don't hesitate.
Plucky
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Laura,
Writing is a really tough skill. I found these great books when the kids were starting out writing and reading that had you mostly illustrate and then move a bit closer to writing. Maybe if you look under writing or pre-writingon amazon you will find them. My son used to avoid writing at all costs... but these books kind of got him going. I wish I remembered the name or brand... they are about fairy tales and monsters and such, so they are fun for the kids.
Love, Beth