Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on November 10, 2006, 02:26:31 PM
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I'm going to start small here. But I am ready to start making significant changes. I am ready to commit to becoming functional again. The threads about patterns and cycles have really inspired me.
Now that I am on anti-anxiety medication I am beginning to be able to talk back to my fears. But I have so very far to go. Looking back I realize that I have suffered anxiety my entire life but have only realized it recently. After my husband died in 2001 I went into a deep depression and for the first time started taking antidepressants. Six months later I was diagnosed ADD and encouraged to start with Adderall. within two months I ended up in a manic state that had far reaching disastrous consequences, which included a group of friends turning their backs, losing my non-profit organization that I had built from scratch along with my salary (had just lost husband's income and inhereted his debts). My mother and brother were 2 of 12 people on my non-profit board and I later learned that my brother led the charge to oust me or close things down. My house had sever mold from a gutter than allowed rain to wash down a brick wall, eroding the mortar and flowing down behind the paneling in the basement. That work - just to get rid of the mold cost more than my gross salary and I haven't yet had any of the walls replaced or marred ceiling and wall repainted.
This is just some of the nightmare that I have had to face along with raising my son who was only 7 months when his father died. All with a delightfully N family. So I am not surprised that I have subsequently become paralyzed. I already had great difficulty dealing with bills and financial obligations which is a purely psychological effect of growing up with a controlling, wealthy, conflicted NPD father.
But today I am still sitting here letting time just pass me by and not making progress towards resolving my tax problems or anyother serious issues. While I have begun to get some relief from my meds I must face stuff that even the strongest would find stressful. So just making a list of the problems is extraordinarily overwhelming. But I must find the courage and develop a plan.
I trust this community and I am turning to you at this time because I am not ashamed of my failures here. I feel accepted and understood. So I want to address one of my first patterns that simply has to be changed.
I have developed a pattern of running away. When I feel support or acceptance or progress my anxiety kicks into overdrive and I disappear - just shut down. Some of you may have noticed me do this when we have developed a dialogue in threads or in messages. Just as I feel supported or encouraged the fear of failure is just now beginning to emerge from my unconscious into the subconscious with momentary peeks into consciousness. I will have to tackle this problem before I can move on.
Opening up this issue of anxiety has revealed to me what has bound me so terrible all these years. I can easily trace it back to earliest childhood and the quiet, jaw clenched rage and demands of my NPD, OCD, perfectionistic, perfect father, whom I wanted so desparately to please and be loved by. In so many ways across the years of my life - the harder I tried the worse I got. My T explained to me a couple of weeks ago that anxiety grows from an original source to associated concepts and onward like a virulent virus until it takes over. And so it has with me, so that developing a plan and setting goals are so anxiety provoking that I freeze. Just as developing friendships even on line leave me stuck - fearing inadequacy and rejection.
If ever I am going to break this pattern this is a wonderful place to start. Hops, you and WRITE may have noticed that I didn't communicate as much after you went out of town as I did before. You may not have noticed but I did. I simply got stuck. You can imagine if I get stuck in such a non threatening situation how I get stuck in most important parts of life that would be stressful for a normal person. I have so much to offer in life - this terrible paralysis is no way to live and I am determined to break this wretched pattern.
I am breaking part of it by actually coming here and asking for help. I am asking and asking with confidence that you (the community here) will be willing and able to help me. The help I am asking for initially is just a dialogue. A place to talk and be heard and to receive encouragement and support. Then slowly but surely I want to begin developing and sharing my plan for action and then I will be open for advice.
I have never had the courage to ask for help from people before because my sense of being unable to repay my obligation was far too debilitating. (That came directly from my father who told me over and over that we (our family) had more than our share and I should not take what others need. Plus he learned from his N father that it is self serving for parent to help their own children. How F****d up is that? Well today I am ready to break that pattern of not asking or of feeling that asking and receiving is taking on a debt that can never be paid, because here those who help do and no debt is incurred. We all profit by helping each other. That is the world I've always wanted to live in.
Thanks for listening and thanks for your friendships and thanks for your support.
much love - Gaining STrength
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Dear Gaining Strength,
As someone who has been abused and abused as a result, I have a so many things to share with you.
But the most improtant thing that you really need to understand and please read this carefully
"YOU ARE A WORTHY PERSON, ONE WHO DESERVES RESPECT, ONE WHO DESERVES LOVE"
OK, said it. Now the hard part is and please understand this must be said and told to yourself by yourself over and over and over again.
I am a worthy person - I am not afraid of success - I am a contributor to others and its OK to have them contribute back to me.
Simple words of encouragement to yourself that maybe painful to say or to think about. But you must begin to REWIRE the thoughts that so easily jump back into your mind. Make 3x5 cards with these sayings so that you can read them and see them. Create a positive environment around you by having little sticky notes all around you reinforcing the truth about yourself!
I am a worthy person - I am loved by others - I am the only one qualified to live in my head - everyone else LEAVE.
Visually seeing and emotionally hearing these phrase over time will help you begin to rewire the mess people have left in their wake. I know its rather simple and perhaps stupid, but I believe it works. Its not going to cure you, but it will begin to help fight off the negativity that has been shoved upon you.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Strangers only known through the web, can still reach out and love through pain and emotionally contribute. Always remember, who you want to be and tell yourself that is who you really are. You have to take command of you thoughts - you have to aggressively take them back - they are yours and no one else's!
My God Bless you and give you mercy as you begin to travel through this. I know you can do it!
hounded
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Hi GS,
I support you but am not sure what to say to demonstrate it. So, at least know that I will be reading every single thing you write here and I will never judge you in any way other than with support and empathy. I am very much on your side, no matter what you say or do. I know how it is to be stuck, frozen, just coasting and trying to heal, having to learn new tapes, having to teach myself things that should have been taught me in childhood. I know how it is to have a house falling down around you!!!! You can do this, you can go forward even if it is teeny, tiny, little steps for now. That is really okay.
Love, Pennyplant
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Dear GS,
Please don't worry about ebb and flow.
I understand how it's scary to move closer, it can scare me too sometimes.
You've got my support completely, I do share this kind of battle,
and I'm not keeping score.
You take your time, hon.
(((((GS)))))
Hops
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((((((((((GS))))))))))
You're one of the bravest people I've ever seen.
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GS, forgive the hijack...
I just started a thread about security fears and decided to delete it.
I was fanning the flames of my own anxiety.
Just FYI,
Hops
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Thank you all for your replies and your encouragement. I am really excited to be able to recognize this trap and to expose myself to you without fear of recrimination. To understand that my anxiety created a trap so that when I set sensible and important goals the anxiety actually intensified to the point of panic and paralysis is the information I have been searching for for over 20 years. But of course it came when I found a community of support. This anxiety loop is so similar to self sabotage. The difference is that I could not control the enormous anxiety and now with the meds I have enough relief to begin to have results when I talk to my fears and for the first time in many, many years I am able to actually WILL myself to do something.
I've already begun. I got started on a task related to my aunt's estate. I have another task that I plan to work on tonight and two for tomorrow. I am starting with tasks with little pressure and will slowly build up to greater anxiety provoking tasks. As I told my T this week, "I am cautiously optimistic that I am on a true path to functioning." Thanks for being there for me everyone.
Gaining Strength
I feel like my life is on the brink of being saved. After all these years it is a very odd sensation, very subtle, hopeful and cautious.
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To understand that my anxiety created a trap so that when I set sensibly and important goals the anxiety actually intensified to the point of panic and paralysis is the information I have been searching for for over 20 years.
WOW.
[/b]
I get it.
:D
Hops
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GS ,
I think it takes as long as it takes to have results .Your courage bravery to keep on and keep on doing the work and with so much love is inspiration. :D
I have so far to go as well I am glad there is a place where we can come and reach out to each other .
The thing is I think getting a kind of momentum going like a running start and time to build up the positive energy And then use that and then give another go
At it .As I write this the mountain I need to move seems impossible But I am remembering when Hops said take it 2 feet by 4 feet ........................ 8)
xoxoxo :D
m
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I have so far to go as well I am glad there is a place where we can come and reach out to each other .
Amen Moon - Amen.
2x4, 2x4. One step at a time. I can do one more step - each time. Thanks - GS
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I am needing my own advice this weekend.
Paperwork mountain again. The pressure is somewhat doubled since I have all Mom's paperwork plus my own.
Tomorrow:
I will get up, eat oatmeal, go to the gym and get that over with, then come back and start.
I do not want to admit it but the truth is I use TV for company and distraction and stay up way too late watching ... crap.
I even have a wonderful DVD to watch and I'll watch stupid shows intead.
(The DVD is the Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill.)
So, tomorrow, I'll check in here sometime and report on whether I got up, ate oatmeal, exercised, and got started.
Thanks for being here to hear me.
It is so simple but sooooo hard when you have anxiety.
hugs all,
Hops
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Hops - my anti anxiety meds have made it possible for the first time for me to actually feel better after I complete a task. Before - attempting or completing tasks actually exacerbated my anxiety so that was no enticement. Not to mention the fact that in FOO and marriage if I made public my plans to take on a chore and did not get it done, the incompletion was held as a failure and used to belittle and ridicule. That just added fuel to the fire on anxiety over just having a task. This place is the first I've ever been where there is understanding and no shaming. I really think I am making progress this time.
Today I set up three projects with an out on one. I have already finished one - packing away Halloween decorations. I have some ironing to do, clean up my cats' area, work on responces from my aunt's funeral and maybe take son to Veterans' Day Parade. After each completion I get to do something for me, like come here.
As you often remind me, break it down into manageable bits.
your friend - Gaining Strength
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Thanks, GS.
That really helps.
Okay, I've had my oatmeal.
I'm going to have one more cuppa tea, check the other threads, and then go to the gym.
One silly thing helps me.
If I MAKE MY BED, it reminds my psyche that today I have other things to do.
I'll check in later...it helps a lot!
thanks,
Hops
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Dear GS,
I really relate to so much of what you have said: The fear of asking for help, anxiety, dealing with the aftermath of death, feeling that receiving help incurs a "debt", trouble developing friendships, getting stuck, wanting to break self sabotaging patterns, recently deciding to "expose" myself, panic and paralysis.
Did you write your post, or did I write it?
I notice you posted on WRITE's post called "overwhelm!". I posted there too, so I won't repeat my sage thoughts on panic and fear.
Just really want to say that I hear you and I feel many, many of the feelings you describe.
I'm so happy that you're reaching out.
Wishing you hugs, strength and self love (the healthy kind).
dazed
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OK Hops - I've worked on my second chore and gotten some ironing out of the way.
I can't tell you how strange it is for the first time in my adult life to be able to push right
through the kick in the gut feeling (that I now know is anxiety) and force myself into working
on a task rather than being frozen out into a paralyzed state.
The shame and fear and expectation of rejection and sense of inadequacy to accomplish a task
have loomed so large in my life. And the final lock was the criticism and caustic teasing that
came from exposure as a child in my family. They loved to make fun of someones inability to
do something and then when I cried or pouted in response they would derisively shake their head while
muttering that they were just teasing and that I couldn't take a joke.
All of the rejection and belittling were suppressed until recently. Now that I know what even little tasks
dredge up and with the help of the anit anxiety meds, finally I can use those tools of talking to my brain
and changing my response from fear to strength.
I am going to be optomistic about this. Two characteristics that are mine are persistence and determination.
Now that I finally have understood what has been holding me back all these years I can once again work to
overcome them. So very glad to be here.
Dazed you are most welcome to work on any of your stuff right along side. - Gaining Strength
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Good DEAL, GS! Way to go!
(You too Dazed...so glad you're here.)
Well, got my bed made and went to the gym for an hour.
Came back and did dishes and hounded Mom down the sidewalk and back. (She's been declining in her walking ability and resisting walking, all of which makes the specter of immobility loom larger.) So I prodded and praised and she did really well. Much perkier than yesterday. (I also realized, d'uh, of course what she needs is praise. So I made it sincere and piled it on.) Then came back and fixed her dinner.
Then I faced facts (haven't done paperwork yet) and CANCELLED my movie out with my best friend. Felt wonderful to decide that. Gonna hit the shower and snuggle up with paperwork.
It's been a beautiful day.
And what a beautiful feeling. (Just now, I thought about the pile and my shoulders tensed. Thing is, I caught it. Took some breaths.)
More later, lvoe,
Hops
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That'll do Hops, That'll do.
Way to go. Now that is truly a day of accomplishment.
Mine too. Mundane = but much of life is and we live in
the mundane and grow in the mundane. - GS
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So happy for your Saturday, GS.
Thanks for being here. I love "reporting in." It really helps!
Yesterday I got all my mother's bills paid and the stubs ready to file. Took about 4 hours, now about a half-hour of filing for her and that's done.
After church it's time for my own paperwork. It may be two or three days' worth but I'm not feeling afraid of it now.
Can't tell you what a difference it's made to know someone here understands how hard these basic chores of adult life can be, with anxiety. (I've always felt shame about it, but no more.)
hugs, and Happy Sunday,
Hops
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Hopalong -
It is so good to hear your report. I am so glad for your progress. It gives me a little incentive to work
on my projects.
I have a cold and am congested and have zippo energy. Plus, my strong willed son has become quite
difficult to dress and today I didn't have the energy to battle him about dressing for church. So this
week I have a goal of buying so Sunday clothes that he will wear. Plus I must get back to the gym.
I am just exhausted and I know that exercise will help.
Fighting fear/anxiety is easier even when I'm too tired to lift my head. I know from experience that
the outcome from changing my thought patterns are not automatic and so I can keep it up without
gettnig discouraged.
My little boy, age 5, has been diagnosed with ADHD. No surprise - his father and I both are ADD. But at his teachers urging
I revisited the psychiatrist and he has us trying methylin. It definitely helps. I knew we would have to resort to meds eventually
but I would have rather waited. Having said that I can't tell you what a difference it makes. He gets so wound up that
I get completely sapped, and am almost zombie like by the end of the day. Without question this adds to my anxiety.
I am feeling very run down. I've got to find a way to get some energy. I hope after this cold goes away I can really get about
finding some renewed strength. Thanks for listening to this run on. I'm so glad to have a place to talk - I am feeling
especially lonely today. - GS
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Making a little more progress
"not enough" is a powerful subconscious message that hounds me.
new goal - bring it out up and out in to my couscious mind
gently counter it. Every effort I make is enough. Each
effort I make by it's nature counters the paralysis which is
my greatest obstacle.
I am so thankful for my friends here. For the first time in my life
I feel free and comfortable to expose my weaknesses and fears
and failings. I am not afraid of retribution, of being exposed
or belittled and I can count on support and encouragement.
This is what I have been looking for, longing for all my life. I
am going to take full advantage of this place and of your
kindnesses. -
Even as this day began with a struggle, I keep setting very small
goals attached to time. Time has been a big bugaboo. But I am
doing it and giving myself encouragement. That's how I finally heard
the whisper, "not enough."
Thanks for listening - GS
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Dear G.S. ,
Time is a bugaboo .I so like that .
Not enough yeah I am only now realizing this is not true in the deepest part of me I know finally I am worthy.
Still this awareness now is so good it gives energy to lift ourselves up.
The understanding here is brilliant
And as you say safe to be here .
I am so glad you are feeling free and comfortable.
So very glad ............ G.S. :D
Have a good day.And thank you for all your thoughts and kindness.
love to you,
m
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GS,
Cold, roaring 2-year-old, 2-steps-forward-1-step-back is PLENTY.
I love the clarity and sanity of your thinking.
I love the way you take the lack of judgment here and grab it and USE the board's strength to augment your own. Bravo!
I'll cheer you on about exercise too, if you like. I've had that paralysis too, and it's begun to yield.
I just joined the first gym of my life. The cheapest in town (very bare bones), small, quiet, nice people. I am doing the world's most gradual program and feel good about that (my back is so easy to reinjure).
I've only just begun, yesterday was my fourth time. (When you join you get 2 free sessions with a trainer who helps you design a program. He listened and was very nice. I still cut the weight in half for all my "machines" by the second time, since the first time hurt. Not muscle, but nerve pain is what I have to watch out for. And that worked well. I added one set to most of them. Perfectly content doing baby weights!)
I find it really helps me to just walk on a treadmill and zone out to the TV. It's not blaring, just there. Later, when I have a braver relationship to my body, I may not need the distraction. But now it's a help, just as music can sometimes be. Seeing older people, heavier people, fitter people, no strutters or showoffs...it's just comfortable. Enough motivation to get me there, and a peaceful safe-feeling place to try to restore my body.
I hope you stoke up on Vit. C and garlic soup and echinacea and good rest and lots lots lots of fluids.
Feel better soon...
Hops
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G.S.
I can relate to so much of what you say and I think our fathers must have been very similar. I told my b/f today that I only remember my father ever saying one nice, comforting thing to me my entire life--and that was only because it involved my grandmother who he did not like or get along with.
I have been feeling that stuck and anxious feeling so strongly of late--so much so that I finally made an appointment to see my therapist this week. It has been almost a year since I saw him last. I honestly thought I would never need his services again. But I have to give myself credit for recognizing that I am in a place where I need help and it's OK to reach out for it.
I did want to pass something along based on the following statement you made:
My little boy, age 5, has been diagnosed with ADHD. No surprise - his father and I both are ADD. But at his teachers urging
I revisited the psychiatrist and he has us trying methylin. It definitely helps. I knew we would have to resort to meds eventually
but I would have rather waited.
This weekend, my b/f and I visited my almost 22-year-old son at school. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 5, but prior to entering kindergarten. By recommendation of the social worker and pysch who counselled us, we put him on meds at that time. He has been on a variety of meds over the years, but continues on Strattera today and most likely, for the rest of his life. But he is an amazing kid who would not be who he is today if he hadn't had those meds.
He attends one of the best state universities in the country, maintains a 3.6 gpa, scored a 32 on his MCAT's and is currently waiting to hear from the 14 medical schools he applied to. He also volunteers at the university hospital, holds a leadership position in his fraternity, teaches Sunday School, and sings in an acapella men's choir. We went to visit him this weekend because his choir was opening for a larger performing group at the University's Union Theater. I got to hear him sing a solo for the first time since his senior year of high school when he had a lead in the musical. I was so proud of him and every day wonder where this bright, talented kid came from.
But as I watched that performance and I realized the role I played in creating and supporting him, it really helped to diminish all those feelings of anxiety--because if I never again accomplish another thing in my life, I will always be able to be so proud of the job I did raising my kids. Being a mother and a wife, for that matter, was my passion in life. It was the only thing that made me feel good about myself and gave me the strength to take on bigger tasks. It was also what gave me the strength to turn my back on my mentally abusive father (dead for nearly 7 years) years ago. It gave me the strength to get through my divorce and try to pick up the pieces so that my kids could see an example of how someone can deal with adversity with grace and dignity and rebuild their life. I'm certainly not totally there, but I know they are proud of how far I have come.
You have been dealt some terrible blows over the last few years, but you have a reason in that little boy of yours to heal yourself and make a better life. It sounds like you are setting reasonable goals for yourself and taking the small steps forward that will finally create the giant leap. Don't give up, because that little boy who is creating havoc in your life right now, just might be the next brain surgeon, firefighter, or Broadway star and he'll need you to support him all along the way.
Hugs and blessings,
Brigid
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Whoops, your little man isn't 2, he's five!
Sorry, GS.
I remember now why I had two years in my mind...your loss two years ago.
Do you think your little boy is probably acting out his grief?
I know 7 years later my D is still processing the loss of her Dad. Maybe for little ones who didn't have the words for their sadness and fear at the time, maybe there's a later reaction?
((((((Little GS Guy)))))
Hops
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Brigid
Thanks so much for this encouragement.
By recommendation of the social worker and pysch who counselled us, we put him on meds at that time. He has been on a variety of meds over the years, but continues on Strattera today and most likely, for the rest of his life. But he is an amazing kid who would not be who he is today if he hadn't had those meds.
With that I will not again apologize for putting him on medication. Oh darn I'm being interuupted. - GS