Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: WRITE on November 14, 2006, 09:00:16 AM
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This was a question Hops posed in another thread.
I tend to meet guys through work or social activities, are there some pointers which illustrate more about the kind of person than others?
Where did others meet the partner you are/were happy with?
I tend to be attracted to very talented men- is that inevitable for iNcreased likelihood of N?
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I don't know if there are reliable trends in where to meet men. I learned to keep distance from men who seem to need to grab all the attention. That was my first line of defense. I think the most important part is getting to know the person. Only time can tell. Are they, most of the time, consistently empathic, seeking to really know me better, respectful of my feelings. When I was dating my H, it didn't always go perfectly. We had a couple of misunderstandings. His attitude towards handling those is what really sealed the relationship for me. He was willing to listen to me even when it wasn't comfortable for him. And we were able to meet in the middle about things we didn't agree about at first. The pattern of handling disagreements that we started while dating has continued into our married life. And thanks to the guideance of my T, we keep getting better.
I think that one of the reasons children raised by Ns are easily seduced into the arms of Ns as adults is that we are wishing for a conflict free life. So often, Ns make it look that way in the beginning, in the seduction stage and it plugs into our need to be totally accepted. I think the misunderstandings that can arise in dating are so important in the decision making process about the other person.
So I truly believe it is less about where you meet the person and more about taking the time to get to know them. And I truly believe that people give clues very early on as to who they truly are. It is a skill to learn to read them. It has taken me many years to learn that skill. I think I've gotten pretty good at it...now I need to complete my learning about the clues that I give out about who I really am. That is the flipside, what are we saying unconsciously to others...
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Many good points you brought up, Accept. Especially the idea that we who are raised by Ns wish for a conflict-free life and Ns can fake that for awhile. I think that is so true.
I am married to the only boyfriend I ever had. I met him when my, at that time, best friend introduced me to her cousin who she thought would be perfect for me. We three spent a casual evening together and he gradually warmed up and seemed very happy to have met me by the end of that evening. He didn't show off too much, just a little tiny bit, just to make me laugh. He just acted like his true self, which I can say now after knowing him for 28 years. He didn't try to put on an act and neither did I. In fact, since I was 17 then and figured I would never have a boyfriend, I didn't have much in the way of expectations for this meeting. Maybe that helped me to relax. Hitting it off with him was a pleasant surprise. I don't know if it was just a fluke that my best friend was able to make such a match for me. She had plenty of trouble making her own match for quite awhile.
A little story about someone I work with who always picks losers. Yesterday, she came up to me and asked if I knew so and so. I said, yes, I went to school with him in grade school. I remember him because he was very cute and he also punched me and gave me a black eye for no reason. He was very "tightly wound" as a child, as I recall. [Well, I suppose I was, too. People can recover from a bad childhood, but it sure takes a lot of work. How many people do we know who are willing to do that work?] Anyway, this information didn't slow her down a bit. In fact, her smile got even broader and she said, Oh, I think he is so cute! And then she described his shaved bald head and gold earring. A flashy type of guy. He had been in our office that day right after we opened, looking for her, like a tomcat after a kitty in heat. They went out last night and apparently it was her version of a great night because she called in sick today and several of us had to cover for her. She is fifty years old with a ten-year-old son that she pawns off on her mother to take care of. Actually, it is too bad she can't hire herself out as a screener of men. Any man she is interested in and attracted to is going to have something seriously wrong with him. You would very quickly know who to cross off your list by just introducing her to your prospects!
Pennyplant
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Hi...what a great thread!
I, too, like talented and accomplished men. I think there is a higher likelihood of narcissism, but I can deal with it if it's lower on the scale...I mean, I don't expect anyone to be perfect, and a little touch of narcissism is, I think, something that often comes along with the willingness to be out in front in the public eye.
A little touch.
Not, however, full-blown NPD. That's always unacceptable. And that's my X.
It's all a matter of degree, which is what i'm dealing with...don't want to recreate the past...but I don't want to rule out someone who, though flawed, will treat me well.
So, I watch for obvious red flags...does he come across as arrogant? Can he say he's sorry? Does he seem too good to be true?
And the best place to meet men, I believe, is when you are engaged in something you love. That way, you are sure to meet someone who shares your interests.
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Write,
I don't think the physical place matters... it's where YOU are in life that makes the most difference. I met my husband in a bar... he was very sweet and kind. I was at the point where if I had one more married man approach me or one more loser try to grope me, I was going to enter a convent. My husband asked me for a date (after we had talked on the phone for about a month, getting to know each other). He was kind of a dork, because he asked before he kissed me... He took me home early b/c he knew I had work the next day, etc.
Again, are you in the frame of mind to be straighforward and let the guy know what you want upfront? If so, you can meet him at the bookstore, the grocery store, the bank, whatever. I would just get out and do what you enjoy and I will bet that you will trip over him soon.
Lots of love,
Beth
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Oh, and by the way, I appreciate more and more things about my husband each year. We are going on 14 (15?) years and while at first I loved him for his humor and intelligence, I didn't even understand the depth of them until later.
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Thanks y'all. I just so love hearing about all the successful relationships.
You know as a child no one was happily married in my life- I never met anyone for years who had a relationship I thought 'I'd like that'.
You would very quickly know who to cross off your list by just introducing her to your prospects!
:lol:
I would just get out and do what you enjoy and I will bet that you will trip over him soon.
instinct is telling me this 'dry run' of being aware but not really 'out there' is what I need to firm up my new attitude and not slip back into old patterns.
it's where YOU are in life that makes the most difference.
thanks for that Beth- I need to pin it over my bed!
I'll read your suggestions again and think about it some more.
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Write,
I don't think there is any "particular" way or place to find potential good relationships. Much of it has to do with your lifestyle (i.e., where you live, the size of the community, kids/no kids, etc.), if you have a work environment which lends itself to meeting people, if you have a large social circle or groups you associate with, and most definitely your age. Much of it also has to do with your level of motivation in developing new relationships. Not that you should be desperate, but that you are open to it and welcome opportunities which come along.
As I have stated here before, my relationship came through a well-known on-line dating service. At my age, lifestyle and current living situation, it was the safest, easiest and most available option. I was also motivated and knew what I was looking for and kept moving on until I found it.
Knowing what you want (or more importantly, what you don't want) helps to keep the process moving and you from getting bogged down with men you know are not a good choice or could have potential if they would just . . . At my age, I KNOW they won't just . . ., so you better be willing to put up with it or move on.
As I have also mentioned here before, I am a curler. I have a number of friends in my club who have met their husbands and boyfriends in that venue, so getting involved in an activity which includes both sexes can provide a good source of dating material--and one with whom you already have a common interest.
I wish you well, as always.
Brigid
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As I have also mentioned here before, I am a curler. I have a number of friends in my club who have met their husbands and boyfriends in that venue....
Is it just me or does that sound funny?
Sorry Brigid but the mental picure of two lovebirds meeting each other's gaze and finding true love as they franticly sweep the ice is pretty darn amusing.
mud
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hi write,
I tried the internet dating thing, but found that too anxiety provoking. People seemed to me to be trying to impress, it was sort of surreal. I could tell a few just wanted to wrack up dates, for no other reason than to build their self esteem? maybe. I found plenty of 40-something-year-olds who were just flattered to be dating a 30-something-year-old (who happens to look 20-something). grrrr. Some just seemed bored, and needed something to do on a Friday night (or Sat afternoon..or whatever).
A few would have been good catches, but seemed too heavy into drinking (or pot) for me.
I met my b/f at work. We sort of catched each other's eyes, we were working together although not closely (in a group), and I found him wandering past my cube on Monday mornings, and I knew he was looking to ask me out. I thought he'd ask to go to a movie or hang out as friends for awhile. I was sort of shocked when about a month after working there, he called me on a Friday afterrnoon to ask me on a date.
I teased him and said, what, you don't want to be friends? He said very matter of factly, no, I want to date you.
:)
bean
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I read somewhere that if you don't fall in love with the person in the first few minutes, you can't make it happen later. There's got to be some kind of a click pretty quickly; you can't force it no matter how much sense it might make. I tend to believe that is true on some level. With my husband and me, we both "knew" by the end of that first evening. We had already connected even if we couldn't exactly verbalize it.
PP
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bean,
I always ended up dating people I met through work or school too... a friendship or attraction that turned into something more.
pp,
I beg to differ... I thought my husband was kind of dorky when I met him. He was so totally not the type of guy I usually liked and for a long time I was more attracted to his kindness that the rest of him. Now I wonder what I was thinking, as I find him quite hot :)
Love, Beth
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Ah, but you recognized his kindness right away and that's the stuff of the heart. That's the real love that endures. The very first instant I met my husband, he wouldn't look at me and seemed kind of expressionless. (I found out later he hadn't expected me to be so little and cute, because his cousin was big and heavy, and he was actually kind of stunned!) So, I thought, well, he doesn't like me, it's not going to turn out to be anything, oh well. But when he finally looked me in the eye a couple of hours into the night, I saw happiness right away. Just beaming out of him. And that was the moment that went right to my heart. If you can see below the surface pretty quickly, that's the real thing.
That is funny that your dork is so sexy now :lol: . Who ever woulda thunk it?
PP
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Here's a goopy story...
When we were "dating," (after we had become... uh... really close... Basically he moved in and wouldn't leave... We used to go to this Chinese restaurant for lunch often. So one day we went, and I don't know why it was like a bolt of lightening... but I got a fortune cookie that said, "Stop looking. Happiness is right beside you." And at that instant I realized the cookie was right. Is that weird or what???????? Like, the happiness could have been that there wasn't a roach on the table, but it hit me right through the heart.
Ahhhhhh..... seems so long ago. I asked him today in an email how long he thought it would be before we started annoying each other when he gets home :)
Love, Beth
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Wow, Beth.
I am glad you wrote that.
What would you make of someone who's professed to love you for a long time asking you in the same conversation, how long do you think it would be before we got sick of each other?
Hops
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I hear that people are meeting on matchmaker websites a lot nowadays.
Plucky
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I think it depends how you ask it... details, please ;)
Having known Ruf as long as I do, I know that he has some annoying habits. Sometimes I find them amusing... at other times I don't. And... over the years, there have been periods of time when I haven't even liked him much (a week, a month)... But I know when those hit, that after a while we'll be back to normal. I'm sure I more than disgusted him during my drinking... He went through a phase of being a giant asshole when he got promoted... I could name more. But if you count up the time we're happy vs the time we're not... the good stuff definitely comes out on top. A lot of my problems with him have been my own projections (he must think that I am...)...
So... how'd the subject come up????
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Hi Beth,
He's far away and works 60 hours a week in a huge job he's just begun. No hope for connecting anytime soon.
It was on the phone that he made that remark. I was unsure whether it was dry weary humor or cynicism.
Hops
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Last time I was at Wal-Mart I saw a door near the front of the store that said "MEN" on it. And sure enough, they kept walking out that door all day long. (JK - Please don't hate me for trying to be funny. K?)
BTW - There was also one that said "WOMEN". If I'm ever single again I might check it out.
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hi hops,
I bet his last girlfriend got "sick" of him? My guy seems to project old girlfriend stuff onto me a lot. wadda ya think?
love,
bean
tony - youf funny!
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if I hang out by men's bathrooms and take along PP's friend and weed out all the guys she's attracted to, most people under 30, most people over 50, anyone who spits...I really am narrowing the field!
:)
I've been thinking more and more about El Crusho this week, about when we first went out and how much I liked him. Isn't it funny how that hopefulness is more than you can bear to look back and realise it wasn't meant to be? Maybe so we don't avoid future relationships like the plague!
I should type it out that Wendy Cpe poem I have quoted so often:
I can't forgive you. Even if I could,
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you
And yet I can't quite cure myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you.
I'm really pretty content, so it's not loneliness. Guess I am tuning into the old pattern of someone loving me despite all the odds righting the wrongs of a rejected childhood....something like that.
Of to slap self on side of head then make big cup of hot breakfast tea with evaporated milk!
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Sorry Brigid but the mental picure of two lovebirds meeting each other's gaze and finding true love as they franticly sweep the ice is pretty darn amusing.
speaks of intense passion to me Mud! And if you find you've made a mistake you're already armed with a stick!
I'll add ice arenas to the above list...men's bathrooms at ice arenas Tony!
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Mud,
Sorry Brigid but the mental picure of two lovebirds meeting each other's gaze and finding true love as they franticly sweep the ice is pretty darn amusing.
My dear brother--have you never heard how sexy it can be for a woman to see a man doing household chores? Sweeping would certainly qualify. :wink:
Seriously though, I would say that the romantic part most likely developed during the social aspect of the sport--and there is a LOT of that.
Write,
I'm really pretty content, so it's not loneliness. Guess I am tuning into the old pattern of someone loving me despite all the odds righting the wrongs of a rejected childhood....something like that.
I think we all deal with that on some level. We want so desperately to be loved, but not be desperate to find love. It can be a two-edged sword and keep us blinded to the faults of a potential partner.
Of to slap self on side of head
Not necessary!!! It is totally OK to want to find and feel love again after having been devoid of it for so many years. Heck, I've had to go back into therapy to get help working through the struggles I'm having with my relationship right now. There is nothing easy about this process--especially for those of us who were not loved as children and never learned how to properly navigate through the world of love and relationships or more importantly, feel worthy of receiving love without feeling the need to earn it somehow.
Brigid